State of Flow Through Sushi Go!

if you think these spreads are too lucky to be unstaged... you would be right.

Today, Beardy and I played Sushi Go!

It was the weekend, we felt like we deserved to do fun things after a tiring week, and since there were enough days between today and the next work day, I actually could relax into it, and my panicky "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE FUN" mode was completely off.

It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed trying for a change, to do some of the shuffling and dealing of the cards, and adding of points. Something I always let Beardy do because he does it faster and more efficiently, and we often play with friends and not just the two of us, so I don't want to take other people's time. But today was all about just enjoying ourselves, and Beardy is like a very supportive father when it comes to me trying to do it on my own, no matter how embarassingly slow.

Afterwards, I had some very queer feels, which I shared with him: That was relaxing, but also exciting! ("Just like Japan!" I had to say, not only because of Sushi, but because this day we're also trying to sort out the itinerary for the trip we'll take there in May)

Relaxing and Exciting.. Two things that don't normally come together for me. I'm either relaxed and therefore kind of demotivated to do anything but lay around, or excited, and therefore agitated and leaving nice wads of hair all over the floor.

But I think that's what the ideal state of flow is supposed to feel like.

It's easy to know how one should be like, to know about a state of mind, or a state of heart, but to truly be able to be there, in that state of mind or state of heart is really the only way one can be familiarized with in in such a way that can make it easier to recognize and therefore capture, or inhabit more often.

And when it clicked, when I recognized it as it happened, I thought, could I try and inhabit this state when creating art? When writing songs, playing, singing, when writing creatively?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to just write and create, without thinking about results, but just to create in order to improve, to go through the sensation of discomfort when something isn't panning out easily, when the words don't come, without letting the desire to correct myself absolutely engulf the whole experience?

So I thought of writing this, here, now. Hoping that I could inhabit all of the "This, Here, Now"'s of my life with more ease, more clarity, lightness, and me-ness. 

it's not about me. it's not about you.

in this production that is life, where we make scripts out of ideas and perform our humanity by sharing ourselves and our work, some of us will choose to be on camera, to be under the spotlight, to be the ones on the stage.

some will choose to stay backstage, behind the camera, working their magic from behind the shadows: their work doesn't have their faces on them, and we critique their work without making it personal.

but a lot more of us will choose to be part of the audience.

the audience plays a crucial part in any performance - we are the ones with enough distance from the productions to be able to objectively critique them. we are not operating on the survival mode level of "the show must go on" and are able to keep our wits about us. sometimes too much wit, that we forget to empathize with the performers in their heavy costumes under the hot spotlight.

we are the lucky ones able to just sit down and digest whatever's offered, and to place judgement. we don't feel the frantic energy behind the production that might make our opinions about inauthentic props and bad makeup feel very petty and unjust.

oftentimes, we forget that this is a privilege we receive by taking on this more passive role.

when you are onstage, people can hear you more, but you are also given fewer chances to be wrong. each failure, each misstep, can taint your name and even remove you from the stage, if it gets too bad.

we are all people, when stripped of our roles: we have preconceived notions, biases, unkind thoughts, misdirected emotions...

but when we only operate in the realm of ideas, and not so much in the realm of action, we are safe to think wrongly of things at first. our silence becomes a safety net for peoples' perception of us. we can try again, change ourselves, and choose to just show up when we're better. someday...

as i get older, i try harder to remember this, and to remind myself to look at everyone, whether they be actors in the spotlight, crew members behind the scaffolds, or vocal audience members, as parts of one whole. it is this one whole, this production, that needs to be critiqued. to be improved upon.

what is it to be human? what are we imparting to this world? where are we going?

i see no harm in criticizing points of view, in fact, it's crucial. but i find it important to remember that it's not about individual vendettas, that everyone comes from some place when forming their ideas about the world. it's all about trying to tip the scale, not writing someone off because they had a bad day, chose the wrong word once, or had a fuzzy brain day, like i'm having today as i write this.

(but of course, there will be those who will repeatedly resist any efforts people around them to put them on track, those who probably need some time off and take some time alone. i am not talking about those people. sometimes some people just need to SIT. DDOOWWWNN for a bit.)

i keep getting creative blocks whenever i get new ideas. i can never put anything forward because i fear being criticized in this way. i find the warm safety of my silence to be nice and familiar for little old low-impact me.

but i'm thinking that maybe if i am able to offer myself this same kindness, it wouldn't be so bad. i will just have to ignore the little nonconstructive audience member voices in my head, and accept that when you're ~in there~, you will be imperfect, you will make mistakes, but you will exercise the muscle of being out there, and little glimpses of what's right will eventually outshine the parts that are wrong, or awkward, or poorly done.

so, here's to me having to write sentences without capitalization because it ruins my flow and i'd rather write ugly than not write at all.

here's to me probably having a few typos or grammatical errors in here somewhere that i probably won't see until someone points it out because i don't want to risk not wanting to post this at all by reading back too many times (please do tell me if you find any! i'd appreciate it.)

here's to making mistakes on stage, in front, out loud, on camera, here's to exposing myself and to accepting that sometimes, audience members can forget to be kind, but that i don't have to be unkind to myself too.

here's to deciding to fill in one role fully instead of mentally splitting myself into all roles at all times, running the risk never getting anything done as a result.

here's to less of me, and more of what i want to bring forward.

here's to less of you, and more of our interaction and its effects.

here's to the production we are creating together.

may we be both grittier yet kinder somehow.

Emotional Minimalism

What if you could declutter your feelings?

What if you could look over the stock of emotional reactions you keep around, decide which ones to keep, and which ones aren't serving you anymore, and let them go?

Sure you can't toss people out in your life, there will always be bad apples in your circles, maybe even your family, but what if you can toss out the guilt, shame, undeserved care, or any other feeling associated with them that doesn't do anyone any good?

What if you can free yourself from the insecurity of not being as good as you want to be, and make some space to stock up on feeling excited about how much you can improve instead? After all, minimalism isn't about merely having less, but rather having what is essential, and forgoing everything else.

What if you could accept and recognize the effect of toxic people on you and decide not to feel obliged to impress them, and allow yourself to keep a civil, safe distance?

The thing is, you can. Sure, it's not an exact analogy: there is no before-and-after picture you can take, and it cannot be done over one long holiday. Emotions are habits, not things, and saying they're easy to quit is like saying beating addiction is as simple as just not buying cigarettes anymore.

Most days it would feel like giving away old clothes, only to find them back in your closet the next day. Emotions are clothes, if clothes were alive and could crawl.

Emotional decluttering feels more like training a muscle. You'll have to do it regularly, but there will always be an improvement, and it should only get easier over time.

And the way to start is to stop and decide to be aware of what you have in there in the first place. A lot of objectivity, a listening ear from a friend, maybe even a bit of journalling, but the most important thing is to choose to be aware of how you feel from now on.

Know that your emotions don't have to BE you. You don't have to let the monstrous black tides that wash over you pull you away into an endless sea of hopelessness or anger. You are more like a shelf, and emotions are the books you put into it. And sure, the longer you keep some books in there, the more they're going to look like they're part of that shelf, and the shelf won't ever be the same without them. That's all fine and good if you're keeping good classics in there that remind you of how to strive in life, and how to create and keep joy. How to love, or feel grateful, so sure keep those. But if they're shitty novels or gossip rags, would the shelf never being the same be such a bad thing?

It's hard, and it will take time. But it's a choice you can always make.

And again, Minimalism is not about having the least possible amount, but about having less of what you don't need, and more of what is essential. So perhaps, replacing the bad with the good will do you more favors than just trying to create a void and resisting the icky feelings when they come. Build the habit of hopping onto a happier train of thought instead of boring a hole into an awkward memory of a moment that you can't change.

There is loads of good advice out there about the hows of it all, but the most important part is to remind yourself that it's an option. There is a different way to live. There is a way to think kinder, that is, thinking in a way that is kinder to yourself, and this will allow you to also be kinder to others.

Since we're welcoming a new year soon, perhaps it would be a good time to start.

It's Longer in the Thick of It

If you're expecting anything raunchy because of my title, prepare to be disappointed. I'm here to talk about a very un-sexy topic for most people.

The passage of time. Or maybe more like your passage within it.

Time flies, they say, when you're having fun. And time supposedly goes faster for you as you get older. As you notice and remember patterns from every day life, repeat sensations will start to feel like your brain just skimming a page, never letting your consciousness settle or find a home within the moments. And in the end, you look back, and much of it would feel like you just floated by, with your senses numbed. Tewwifying!

A couple nights ago, I walked home on my usual route, and a thought made me freeze: This street I'm walking on feels suspiciously shorter. Am I letting "the Now" slip by too fast? Am I skimming this page of my life?

When things like that happen, I like to recall what it was like to be a child, to have every sight, scent, and sound assault me. So vivid, my days felt like dreams within dreams, and every sunset would feel like saying goodbye to a good friend. I try to conjure that up in me, with varying results.

These days, they feel more and more like missed chances with encounters of smiling strangers. We could have been friends, but I didn't quite get to know who you were, Day, or what we could have been. So bye I guess.

This pattern recognition thing, although I'm sure it helps us function easier from day to day, sometimes feels like a bubble suit acting like a barrier between me and the world. As more patterns form, it's as if the bubble crystallizes, letting me feel less and less, separating me from the world.

Except when I'm scared shitless.

I realized, while walking that night, that it wasn't that I was savoring my walks more in the past. It was more because I always felt like something was going to hurt or kill me, and I've grown out of that somewhat.

Now that I have less travel anxiety, I could function like most folks during transit or on foot. I'll sort of just go my way automatically and think about something far far away in my head, and that probably makes things feel shorter.

I feel more safe now, and that's a good thing.

But for other things in life, too much safety, too much of the same, not taking risks... It can make time feel so short.

Are we always going to go through hardships that feel drawn on, only to find that once we've reached the resolution of our challenges, time will slip by beyond the finish line?

I'm still holding on to a hope that I can keep things fresh without having to resort to risky behavior.

But a comforting thought that I get from all of this is that: Right now, I'm in the thick of figuring things out. And it will feel slow, and at times, it will feel like things aren't changing and can never be the way I hope them to be. But even though I'm challenged and I find myself anxious and fearful a lot of the time, I'm at least in a safe place where I can grow, I am cared for, and I have people to talk to. That's far better than where I used to be, and I have hope that my challenges will evolve and change, but I will always be able to step back once in a while to see, smell, feel all of it in all its glory.

I will always remember in gratitude the things I used to be unable to filter out, and in the future, when I'm over my current ones, the things I still can't filter out to this day: all my over-analyzed interactions, my illogical fears, all the times I think I come off too strange...

Someday that might change, but I won't forget that it did. And so time will slow down in reverence, and I will be able to stop and stare in wonder at all the beautiful ways that a person can evolve within a lifetime.

Tricycle Therapy aka Dealing with my Demons in the Dark

Coming home today I had a nice talk with Beardy. It was one of those talks where what you say just unfolds by itself, sort of a live epiphany in front of a one-man audience.

It helped that we were in the dark, in a cramped tricycle, loud motor running, me buzzed from sitting all day making* art. I felt like bursting, and was in a safe space to do so.

I told him about how I think I've been avoiding being "seen" for a long time, because I wasn't comfortable with myself.

Being "seen" as in leaving any sort of impression. At first I claimed that I didn't want to leave any strong impression on anyone, and so I feel scared when people seem to get a whiff of my critical/agit side (I attempt to mask this by showing my kooky/awkward side so people know I don't bite) but I suddenly realised that I was trying to not make ANY impression at all.

Thus I had an aversion to speaking my mind without being asked (by name, not as part of a crowd), or to volunteer for things, or to make friends with people I liked or admired.

But recent developments had made it so that I've been spending more time with those people, and so it's becoming very unlikely for them to not have any impression of me. And so this provided a stark contrast from how things were just a year ago, which made the reasons, I guess, bubble up to the surface.

let's provide a visual! the oil = deep seated issues. they were stuck to the bottom when i was socially empty and friends = water!! 

It's because I have an ideal self, and I know I'm far from being her as of yet.

My ideal self would be kind enough to speak her mind, ask questions when in doubt of what someone says, but sound calm and reassuring enough that the person wouldn't feel attacked. But that takes a lot of nerve. It takes a very calm person. And I'm typically a very nervy person.

I get too nervous when speaking up around people because I'm overly either sensitive or imaginative about what they would think or how they'd feel of/about what I say.

It's kind of funny to realise this now, at a point in my life where I've supposedly very decidedly stopped caring what other people think about me. But now I realise that that only goes as far as my appearance. I don't care about being ugly, fat, or hairy. But I do care about being kind.

Beardy reassured me that it's already a lot for me to be so ambitious about being a better person, instead of being too happy about who I already am. I told him I admired him and others, who felt comfortable to be seen as who they are. Comfortable about people knowing their impatience, pickiness, all of their glorious idiosyncrasies, but he said he admired that I'm aware of mine and would like to improve upon them instead of settling.

I'm realising that perhaps I've reached the point of no return. There are things to be worked on that could only be worked on under the lamplight of the company of other people. I may feel like I got it together when I'm alone or unstimulated, when my mental, emotional and physical energies are untapped and thus feel abundant. I did feel like I was searching for a "flowier" state of being, rather than the safe and stagnant shell I felt I was in. Maybe I'm here now. Maybe this is how it will feel for a while.

I will feel more watched, my palms and feet will be sweaty, but I'd be learning and relating to other people more, at an exponential rate. I will feel misunderstood, I will feel scared about perhaps having said the wrong thing, but this way, I'd be able to reach and help more people, with whatever I'm called out to do. I'd be nervous because I care, and uncomfortable like I'm in a tricycle.

And maybe sometimes, that's the kindest thing to be.



 (*term used loosely: our mentor tells it's just copying because the composition is directed) 

🛫expanding the target🎯

there will be times where it will feel like

you're jumping off
                               a
                                   c
                                     l
                                      i
                                       f
                                        f

towards a --------------->   tiny target   <-------------------


and so it'll feel like it means E V E R Y T H I N G to you,

like it was somehow so very...
dense



in that, it's    so    very  
                                           small,       so         very     
                                                                                                            far,    so     very    hard   to   nail

but

weighed 

so, 

so 

MUCH.

and there's just this formidable nothingness

surrounding it

enveloping it and

threatening your life

and the more you look at it

the harder it is to look away

and more and more you feel like

there is no way

that you wouldn't fail

that you wouldn't miss

that you wouldn't just

go back to nothing


And when that nothingness threatens you
I hope you remember

That nothing doesn't have to be nothing
you can fill all that space with
a whole bunch of somethings

And those whole bunch of somethings
can turn into   c                                                    o                                                       w      s    .         .
                             l      o        d     s,               s          f                   p      i               o                        .
                                          u                                            t                         l    l


on which,

                 if you fail,

                                  (and we're still hoping that you won't)



                                              you can softly,



                                                          gently,




                                                                 land



                                                                  (even if it's with tears in your eyes)


                                                                           so that instead of s h a t t e r i n g

                                                                                you can simply find your feet

                                                                                    dust yourself off
                                                                                             get back up
                                                                                                                and walk over

to something  new.         

🍋what do wit all dees lemons🍋

Man this week has been rough on me. 

But that's why I'm here now, actually posting something after weeks of just meaning to, in a very frustrated kind of way. 

Normally I try to write something that's helpful, or at the very least, thoughtful. I write with the hope that the reader won't feel like I wasted their time. But lately it's been hard to complete drafts. I've been feeling on edge and I can't sit still enough to finish what I start writing, even when I'm passionate about it (actually that makes it harder -those things are usually longer and stressful to write, especially during these weird times we're having on this planet).

But this time I'm reaching out to writing in an attempt to add value to my own life: this is completely for me this time, a form of self-care. I decided, since I can't write because of my struggles, I'll attempt to write about these struggles. For catharsis, for therapy, I don't know. Maybe to simply get out of the writing rut I'm in.

I have an important appointment coming up, something probably routine for other people, but of crucial significance for me, personally. There's much (perhaps irrational) anxiety surrounding it due to past experience so maybe it won't be the best thing for me to directly summon what is, it that must not be named, so suffice it to say that it's the most probable cause of all this, but it's not what I'm going to write about.

I want to write about the anxiety it's causing, the strange way it manifests this time around, and what I've been doing to cope.

Two weeks ago, I noticed my energy at work being at an all-time high. I did things faster with more focus, and obviously thought this was a good thing! Why wouldn't it be? I probably had adequate rest during the Christmas break. Then early this week, I noticed something else: I felt anxious when I'm still and there was a bit of desperation in the act of doing my work that I thought I was doing gleefully. I felt weird things in my chest. I've felt like I was about to pass out once. I wondered if I was actually exhausted by all the work I've chosen to do and could not sense it for some strange reason. I couldn't sleep soundly. Sometimes I felt a strangling feeling in my neck.

Then I realised (with a bit of guilty Googling I admit) that I've felt this before. It was during the time in my life when I was a terribly anxious wreck and incredibly fragile, something I believe I've moved on from now. I thought I wasn't taking my looming appointment so bad, I've been more or less positive and didn't linger as much as I used to for stressful thoughts, but I guess my subconscious has been having a different experience? Not sure. 

But I do believe I have moved on from that and am very much past that phase. It's just, well, I assume that someone in recovery might still regress a bit when exposed to the right triggers and environment. The important thing is, this time around, I've been coping a lot better.

Things I've tried to combat my anxiety:

(that have sorta worked)

• Talking about it, laughing about it - Once I became aware of what was happening, I tried to talk to people I meet everyday, both as a way to express my feelings and feel less alone in carrying the psychological weight, but also to ease any voice that might eventually tell me "Your anxiety is making you act weird and now everyone hates you." I'm going ahead of it now because that's better than explaining myself after the fact. And of course, laughing about it makes the psychological weight get lighter in the first place! Highly recommend especially if you're as awkward as me. Sometimes, this makes people tell me reassuring things, so that's another plus!
• Conscious breathing - It was especially bad on Thursday, and in the bath I felt like I wanted to tear my hair out/thrash around/bang my head against the walls. Then I luckily found the sense to give the Mindfulness Exercise we've been doing at work a try, but less focusing on what I feel (it was working too slow!) and more on focusing on long, drawn out exhales. I imagined myself as having taken too much air inside, the feeling of anxiety as having been caused by excessive inhaling (as it does feel a lot like I'm about to burst at times) and this anxiety deflating/escaping up into the atmosphere and away from me as I breathe out. This brought me back to a place where I could sort of grab my thoughts which before felt like little noisy children running chaotically in random directions. I sat dose chirren down. They were still buzzing and jittery and I was incredibly tired, but I can stop chasing them around now.
• Moving a lot - I noticed that I had difficulty in sit-down tasks that need more than a few minutes, this very blog post included (I started writing this on Thursday)! I also had a hard time updating my planner, which made me sad because I'd been doing such a great job since December. I couldn't write, couldn't draw, couldn't study the software I was meaning to tinker with. I guess this is also why I've been doing chores nonstop at work and at home. I keep finding things to clean. And on Thursday, when it got so bad, I asked Beardy to come run with me upstairs, which of course turned into brisk walking after one lap because I'm no runner. I guess because there's a dangerous room in my brain right now, my whole body is working against coming near it, so I'm mostly staying down here in my body rather than up there. I was hoping this would exhaust me so much that I'd sleep better, but that's not quite working out. It does stop the bad feelings from building up though. Maybe it's endorphins! I don't expect this to help me get rid of my December chubs just yet, because I feel like my body holds on to fat more when I'm scared, like it thinks I'm about to die and it's in survival mode (I just Googled this to make sure I'm not writing complete nonsense here and apparently cortisol, the stress hormone, and weight gain, have a relationship with each other. I don't know how serious it is between the two of them but I just don't want to get involved that kind of threesome)

I do feel like I have to point out that running seemed to have made me sick now, so maybe make sure not to do the running in the rain when you're stressed and probably have lower immunity to viruses and whatnot.

There's still a couple of weeks until my appointment, and I'm hoping the worst is over, but I'm going to keep trying to keep on with these techniques until then. I do feel like I've been doing a better job than I have in the past in not bothering myself with everything at once, in taking things one step at a time. My planner helps me to set days for tasks that can stress me out, so I don't need to worry about them until it's time, and when I fail to write it down, I try mental notes. Unreliable method, but you do the best you can do when you simply can't do the best you can do.

You are not a fantasy. You are an experience.

Don't look at mirrors to find your worth

You were not born to be

eternally striving

to be easier to look at

Your eyes were meant to look

asymmetrical

and outward, into the world

to find things that give you life

Your knees needn't be smooth

to prop you up

into greater heights

and bruise and bleed

into greater strength

Your body was not meant

to be stuffed into tight spaces

and to be hidden in the dark

to stay porcelain, and unexposed, and brittle

You were meant to move,

to laugh with your mouth open

to love with eyes intent

and not looking down on your feet

Let us be with you

through the spilling of your soul

let any image of you fall to the wayside

of the life you live

Just something I'm writing to myself, (and people like me) for those dark moments where I feel ugly, ungraceful, awkward and unlikeable, and needing to clam up, hide, and basically cease to be in the presence of people I want to befriend but find intimidating because I feel bad about myself. Or those times where I feel bad for having dirty nails and unkempt hair because I've been busy and too tired to fuss over myself more. I'm slowly finding out that: 1. Creating something is more valuable than how you look while making it, get your hands dirty! who cares. & 2. Warmth is usually very contagious and the world has more kindness to give if you're only able to be more open to receive it.

Hey Questioner Artists! Perfect is the Enemy of Good: When Self-Doubt & Perfectionism get in the way of Creating

If you read back in my blog even a little bit, you'd notice many times where I allude to writing more from then on and then stopping after a couple weeks of doing so.

I get cold feet when I start writing, and I'm always trying to fight against it but it seems that I always know the perfect thing to say to stop myself from making progress:

The information is probably going to be inaccurate. I'll miss some important detail and fail to get my point across. Why bother?

Oh it's a sensitive issue, I don't want to offend anybody.

There is no way anybody's going to find this interesting enough to read.

I'm pretty sure I've said this before in one way or another. It's too redundant.

I don't know what to write right now so instead of staying on the page to figure that out I'll go and watch/read something to occupy that void I feel that could really only be filled by me writing and not this thing I'm about to watch/read.

I'm not in the zone just yet so I'm going to passively wait for the zone to come to me while distracting myself from the zone instead of staying in this blank page a.k.a. just putting myself in the zone like seriously it's so simple why do I keep doing this....

I've been catching up on Gretchen Rubin's Happier podcast because I finally stumbled on a note I wrote a while ago (I'm really bad at actually reading my notes-to-self as much as I keep writing new ones) to watch out for her episode on Questioners - the type I identify with within her Four Tendencies framework, which attempts to categorize people based on how they respond to things they are expected to do. Here is the basic summary of it on her site:

• Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations
• Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations
• Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves
• Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike

For a while I started doubting if I was indeed a Questioner and not a Rebel instead, because I seem to keep failing to follow my own expectations even after I've convinced myself about why I'm doing them the first time (read: previous parenthesis!). I sleep, wake up, then poof! My mood is the captain of the ship again.

But now I realise that it's not because I want to be disobedient to myself, or that I want to be in charge of each moment as they come - it's because for some strange reason, I somehow lose touch of my reasoning very easily in the face of more immediate concerns, often fear and anxiety. Honestly, I'm hoping it's just a case of me having established bad habits so strongly that it's hard to start new ones without having a strong external reset signal for them, like a renovation, a new house, a near-death experience (please don't let it get to that Bea!) ?!?!

Anyway, the conclusion that seems to make sense to my questioning self after having listened to the podcast is that I can combat these unhelpful rationalizations with some helpful ones! Here are some I've compiled:

1. When speaking about something I care about and I'm doubting the thoroughness and carefulness of my work- This whole thing does not rely on me, I am just one person speaking their mind who might touch just a couple of others. Inaccuracies, or left-out sentiments are just an edit or a comment away should they arise.
2. When I irrationally fear a backlash in spite of not having enough readers for that to happen anyway- It's highly unlikely, and if it even happens, that's a good thing! That means you have readers who are engaged enough to respond. And you can always respond back, and you've grown in such a way where you are able to argue amicably. Use that skill, trust it, develop it! Use it or lose it! That's the point of social media anyway.
3. When I am tempted to forgo talking about my own very messy experiences, and attempt to just relay good advice instead of talking about my own journey - Being honest and genuine is more important than being correct, because there are a lot of people far more qualified to speak to specialized information than me. That's not my job here. My job here is to be me and to speak about what I experience, and yes I can sprinkle my theories here and there, but I have to show my flaws too. I need to be open about how messy the journey is for people who might have the same problems. Showing my weaknesses and vulnerability in light of what I am trying to change will be more helpful and insightful than purified advice that has been heard many times. That's how I learn, through watching other flawed people overcome things, and that's how I can most effectively teach anything, too, if at all.

These are the things that apply to me for my internet spaces (YouTube and this blog) where I'm attempting to both document and make sense of my own life. If it does not apply to what you're trying to do, the guidelines in making counter-rationalizations is to lay everything out when you're in a state of analysis paralysis, and take only the parts that stir you to action, and focus on those. And if you're as forgetful as me, make a system where you are reminded of those helpful, actionable rationalizations when you need them.

When Inspiration Gets... Scary.

A lot of the time when I get artist's blocks, I would offhandedly claim that I lack inspiration. "I need to get inspired!" I would think to myself, often writing "Get inspired!" on my daily checklists as a reminder to not wait for it to come and go looking for it instead.

But lately I've been noticing something happen a lot.. Something very curious and unexpected. I find myself being very inspired very often... And it doesn't make me feel better.

Instead it makes me feel scared, overwhelmed, and instead of adding clarity to the mess of bobbing ideas in my dirty bathtub of a mind it feels as if it just adds more noisy rubber duckies in the mix, squeaking, squawking, demanding my attention.

Listing ideas usually help, even if only to calm the anxiety symptoms these moments cause. Enabling me to try and lure the rubber duckies to form a straight line so I can deal with them one by one. (Sorry, I'm a little stuck in my rubber duckie metaphor.)

So I've had a change in priorities. Now I'm more about learning how to compile ideas that come up and being able to organize them in such a way that I can understand in the future. But the most important part that I'm dealing with is the one in which I have the most trouble with - following through. 

I'm trying to train my mind into finding it natural to actually work on things which feels sooo different from the imagining part. Coming up with ideas is something I'm alright at, it feels easy and natural, I can plan extensively in my head, come up with ways to do things... But once I need to execute, I'm like, wat is dis.

i actually just made this in memegenerator high five

Inspiration is useless if no work is created. It's merely a first step. Still, it's a thing that I lacked that I'm glad to have found. It's a step up. A box checked off. And that's what I want all of this to be about - not being perfect, just being better all the time.

What eases me to think about is the thought that I'm not failing anyone else as much as I'm failing myself.

Just kidding, that doesn't really comfort me much.

But it shifts my feelings of having to appear alright to wanting to just be alright. To allow myself to be in the thick of the struggle, to get my hands dirty, get embarassed, fail, be rejected, and hopefully after everything, learn things I can use as I go along.

So yeah. That's where I am right now.

Knowing my faults is key.

Spiralling into inaction thru spiralling into chronic imagination

ALRIGHT. Since I've been finding it hard to sit my butt down and write a proper post and consequently forgot to update this blog about my channel's first vlog (?!?!?!?!?) Let me attempt to gather myself today and do just that.

There. now that's that out of the way...

I have big plans for this year. I'm attempting to veer closer to the edge of my comfort zone (and maybe even... step on the line??? possibly.. step... OUT? of it???! even??) and even though I saw January come and go without much of my plans really working, I'm still daring, still trying, still figuring out what works for me and how I can trick myself into making things happen because I have the worst attention span.

I feel like I have short term memory a lot. It's hard to see my whole life in one picture in my brain, it's always in bits and pieces and I lose touch of what I need to accomplish a lot because of this. 

It seems that the more plans i have in place, the less I get done! Perhaps I can use the fact that we have a dying dog and a sick dog as an excuse, but I spend far too much time playing Neko Atsume and watching YouTube to even buy that.

No, there is no excuse. The explanation though? I had a fuzzy brain for days and have sort of settled into the type of lifestyle that it causes. I can't latch on (focus my attention) to creative activities, except when it's in an erratic and impulsive way instead of an organized scheduled one.

So, things I can't do at the moment:

1. edit things
2. focus on tedious attention-requiring tasks (but some of them that can fall into this category can help if i do them impusively! see below)
3. write in a calculated manner
4. mentally connect ideas from different days into working tasks without INTENSE EFFORT
5. in the same manner, coming back to a task that takes time again and again with breaks in between is really hard ~ once i do something else, i am repelled by coming back to what i need to finish.
6. COME BACK TO MY PLANS AND DO THEM?!

But! things I #1 can do / #2 am doing / #3 should do more of:

1. deep cleaning, any cleaning, organizing, chores (they clear my head and help me get back to doing meaningful things)
2. impulsive writing (what i'm doing right now!)
3. imaginative activities, in short!! bursts!!! (also what i'm trying right now)
4. physical tasks (if i am caffeinated enough and have an electric fan facing me to cool me off cos it feels like i'm a hamster and am constantly shaking slightly and creating heat and have sweaty pits)
5. impulsively singing and turning my life into a musical because it releases tension i get from trying to focus (only counts as a #1&2 this is useless and annoying but i'm turning into Linda Belcher AAALRRIIIIIGHT)
6. DEEP TALKS AND LIKE THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WANNA DO AND STUFF (also writing things in parentheses too much)

So since I have a video series lined up about PURGING MY THINGS anyway i might just shoot the timelapse parts where i show some of the action happening while I'm in this neurotic state. And then I'll do the rest when I'm back in fighting form. Also I'm going to keep "scribing" with my journal and planners to help ground me and remind me of things I need to do. Even though it takes so much effort to focus on that too!

Also yesterday I had a very fruitful date with my Frond Carmen in which we brainstormed about projects of a personal and collaborative and speculative nature. I'm excited about those, but I need to plot them properly in my planners! I HOPE I FIND THE FOCUS TO DO SO

So yeah. I'm just going to work with what I have right now, because it's the best thing to do given the circumstances. I can't keep waiting for the composed, coherent, functional me to surface before I make anything because it's starting to be clear that if I do that, I won't be showing the whole picture. And the point of all this documenting and reflecting that I'm doing with my blogging and vlogging projects is to be honest with myself, and to whoever tunes in, so that I can paint an honest picture of struggles that people like me face everyday, and how I make things work, when I do. I don't want to give people who might need whatever help or insight i can offer the impression that anything is effortless, or a straight line going up, when you climb uphill these things.

And because there's a severe lack of visuals in this here blog post let me impulsively reward you with a taste of my very raw Photoshopping skills. With a takoyaki border. It's what we ate while discussing things yesterday. Hahaha.

 God it was so good.

Replace Rather than Resist!: Easy Tip for Simpler Change

We all have behaviours that we'd like to change. And we're especially aware of them during this time, when the year is still new. But no matter how sure we are about knowing what behaviours need to be changed, when our habits are already deeply rooted around our vices, it can get hard to resist them. Because our habits are usually done mindlessly, it can be hard to distinguish which ones lead to things we want to avoid, until it's too late.

Oh right, I was supposed to stop midnight snacking. Shit. Always forget during my nightly fridge trip.
x

We must remember that whenever we cut something out, we leave a void. Voids are vacuums that will fill themselves up. Your five hours of playing Candy Crush will leave you with five free hours. And if you don't put something else in there, it will be hard to keep your cursor away from automatically going for that bright candy icon.

Just... One more level. Swear I'm done.
x

Let's apply this to something simple. Say you're trying to eat healthier. Your first thought might be to cut out "the bad stuff", like highly processed meat, excess fats and sugars, etc. Or you tell yourself you'll just eat less of the same, plain and simple. This won't work as well as if you instead:

• shopped for healthier food so it's what's in your house in the first place
• cooked said food more often than ordering takeout
• filled up your plate with more veggies first, and then putting the rest

Focusing on "including more good stuff" in your grocery list instead of "avoiding the bad stuff" is easier on your willpower reserves because it cuts the time spent trying to resist something you like. When you mentally resist something you desire, you spend time thinking about the thing you like a lot anyway. And you'll just end up giving yourself more chances to fail. It would be better if you just didn't think about it, not by telling yourself not to, but by thinking of other things right away.

This can also be applied to a bad habit I personally have: subjecting myself mental show-reels of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Read this statement, will you:

Don't think of a boy in a blue shirt holding a red balloon.

Chances are, you thought about a boy in a blue shirt holding a red balloon. You couldn't resist, there was no other choice. Stop trapping yourself in the same way by just giving yourself something else to think about and completely immerse yourself in it, instead of telling yourself I shouldn't be thinking about this. Why am I thinking about this? Stop thinking about this please!!! I promise that no matter how strong the urge is to go back and comb through every detail of the memory, any findings you may acquire during the torture would not be as valuable as the peace you'll find in knowing how to move on.

So yep. This one has been hard for me to do, but I'm getting better at it, I'm excercising my letting-go muscles. I've always been a very attached person with abandonment issues, so I understand how long it might take. But even now, as I still struggle with automatically fighting myself internally sometimes, I can already feel the benefits of practicing just moving on to the better things right away. It sure lightens the load, and when the rest of life is already such a struggle, who wouldn't want to stay at peace with their own selves?

A Christmas C..error. A Christmas Horror Story.

404 Error. I missed.. How many days? Four days. Yes.

HMP.

It got hectic, and we all know how easily I get overwhelmed! (I mean you probably didn't actually know that, but now you do)

I'll be honest, this Christmas hasn't been the best so far.

• I did my best to help out and plan meal ideas and do a lot of the grocery shopping, but we didn't end up cooking a lot of what we planned and we actually just slept on Christmas Eve instead of having a Noche Buena because we had to go to a reunion really early the next day.
• Sansa got sick on Christmas Eve so I had a hard time sleeping because my anxiety-riddled brain was screaming "SHE IS GOING TO DIE WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING SHE WILL NOT MAKE IT ON HER BIRTHDAY" Which by the way THANKS A LOT BRAIN.
• So I woke up super early on Christmas day with barely any sleep because I thought we were leaving at 6am AND I had to check if Sansa was better/ still alive D:
• She was fine, but I was already dressed and so I stayed downstairs even though apparently nobody else was ready :( and I REALLY wanted to stay in bed when my alarm went off so that made me feel really bad...And I didn't want to go back upstairs and have to be called downstairs again when they are ready because I'd be so tired and I didn't want to be blamed when I was ready before the others were
• But my little cousin decided that it was time to experiment on how sensitive my hearing is ("How noisy can I get without her waking up? *BANGS TOYS TOGETHER FOR NO GOOD REASON*" Answer: I heard EVERYTHING and kept asking him to stop but somehow he kept going. Blame it on Christmas cheer! *bah humbug*) so I didn't even get to catch up on a little sleep while waiting for everyone else.
• On the ride there, it was too hot and noisy and cramped in the truck so even though I closed my eyes it was impossible to really sleep
• When we arrived, I couldn't function well even though I was so excited to meet my little cousins. I tried REALLY HARD but I could feel my eyeballs trying to roll back into my skull the whole time and I was pretty loopy so I stayed in the shaded hut instead of outside with people. So I couldn't take too many pictures waaaah.
• When we got home, we still couldn't really do a real Christmas dinner because everyone was tired!!!!! And we had to prepare for the smaller gathering on the next day!!!

R YE FOOKEN KIDDING ME RN.

So yeah, on Christmas night, I was trying to keep it together, but I was super stressed by not being prepared for the next day, and too disappointed in being too tired to be fully awake during the 24th and 25th, that I ended up just bawling my eyes out to Beardy who also admitted that he didn't have the greatest time (we tried to Skype his family on the Eve but the connection was being poopy so it was a bit short and it was difficult to hear each other :'c, but luckily we got to have a second call with Anne and it was really nice! But like me he was a bit run down and rushed and clueless about how to celebrate because we didn't have our time in our own hands)

An actual photo of me and Beardy on Christmas night

But you know what? I felt a lot better after crying. I didn't realise how much I needed to just admit that I wasn't having fun, and that I was being really stressed. I have been trying to suppress it because it was Christmas and trying my hardest to have a good attitude, to not be a grinch, but I realised that suppressing this wouldn't make it disappear. But maybe expressing it would. And it did! Sharing it with Beardy brought us closer, and made me feel like someone understood. That it was okay and understandable to feel the way I did, considering what had happened, and I wasn't being crazy. 

After that, things were better. I had a slightly better night even though it was still short, but it was restful enough that I managed to still help out in the house while we had guests, talk to people (although not as much as I'd have liked!) and be really attentive to the kids (I just want them to have good memories of Christmas, okay?! While having fun is still the only thing expected of them this season!)... At the end of that day, I was still reaaaally tired, but had less frustrations about how things went.

(I didn't get to attend to my little cousin who stole Christmas just yet, but the good thing about him living here is that I had time to make up for it... Which I did today! We made popsicles, played with cars, puzzles and bubbles, and talked a lot. After a bit of guilt-tripping because I've lost my will to try with him recently, I decided to change my attitude about him being a difficult child, and try to change my approach to positively influence him again and make him feel secure. Because insecure children are more difficult and become insecure adults!)

So yes! That's why I missed five days! I'd feel bad about it, but I think I reached my quota for things to feel bad about and actually don't mind it as much as I minded having a tiring Christmas so far. And and and! There were also good things about it:

• I got a couple of really nice presents
• I feel proud for not disappointing my mom for once by helping a lot even though I was more tired than I could even believe
• I moved on from feeling horrible really quickly and therefore have reason to believe that I'm becoming more emotionally resilient
• I met my uncle from Canada again, and his family for the first time!
• I managed to get presents for my family even though I thought I'd be too broke to manage it this year.. with a lot of help from Beardy!
• Even though one of them cried a lot when it was time to go home, I feel good about letting my nieces play Minecraft on my computer and painting their nails for them all preedy. I know that it looked like I fussed over them too much and I know that carrying my computer around and setting it up wherever my nieces wanted to play, and designing their nails when everyone else was just chilling and being festive looked very tedious and like I spoil them, but I just don't want them to lose their festive Christmas feels too early. I know they were excited about those two things before coming to our house, and I didn't want to disappoint them because disappointment really sucks, and I sure knew it firsthand that day. I just want to protect them from that when I have the energy to. 
• I was prepared and didn't really expect that much from Christmas; I was sober enough to not be too disappointed whenever plans didn't push through; I just broke down mostly from me not being super awake the whole time, but I feel like I had a healthy expectation which made it easier. Honestly, even if things went the same way, I wouldn't be so sad if I wasn't so tired because I'm sure I would have had the energy to come up with something to make it better.
• I learned things that are super important: One, sleeplessness depresses me and tires me too much for it to be worth waking up too early or staying up later than needed. And two, even if I'm at my worst shape, I can still manage to work hard at things I decide are important. Which are the people I love. 

EDSAnxiety

EDSAdness

Metro Manila scares the shit out of me.

If I could choose, I'd never leave Santa Rosa. I'm always so anxious and suspicious of people when I'm in Manila. In fact, this anxiety had kept me from living my life to the fullest when I was in college. I just never felt secure, no matter how long I stayed. And now that I only go there when needed, the anxiety I get before every trip is much worse.

What am I afraid of? Getting run over, cockroaches, pickpocketers, slashers, armed thieves, armed lunatics, traffic, rain, casual rudeness, scam artists... the list is long. And my fears are not helped by the news. It's as if all of the new Modus Operandis are rampant in Manila, especially now during the holidays, and when I'm here in the Safe South, I just don't want to come back (even though where I am isn't 100% guaranteed safe either!).

But you know what? Once I'm there, my commuter switch turns on and I've always come home just fine. In fact I'm one of the calmest people during long waits and traffic jams (even after being puked on by a baby that one time). The worst I've ever been is tired and dirty. I've been very lucky.

Most of the fear only exists before the fact, but it causes enough stress to have bad repercussions all on its own, outside of whatever happens to me when I'm actually out there. It causes sleepless nights, falling hair, and severe anxiety.

It's amazing to know that most of the bad things that happen to me happen inside my head.

In a recent interview, Justin Trudeau said "Fear doesn't make us any safer. Fear makes us weaker." And at least for my own life, this has proven to be true to a point. I do believe that my cautious nature has protected me from many dangers in my life, and I will continue to be careful, but worrying about what I cannot control just wears me out. There are times where I just need to step out of my literal comfort zone. And when those times come, like today, it's better that I just save my energy for the actual trip ahead rather than for tossing around in bed the night before.

Don't Habit Yourself Up About It

Before we start I just want to say "You're Welcome" or "I'm Sorry" for the horrible pun, depending on your personal reaction to it. Good. K. Let's go.

I've spent a lot of time in my life failing at maintaining good habits. Just to name a few of the ones I've been failing at for a long time, there's:

1. Going to bed earlier
2. Drinking more water
3. Studying French regularly
4. Blogging
5. Eating right

For the last two, I've actually been doing an OK job lately, but I'm still working on the others.

Something I've noticed is that when I do something right, even after maintaining it for a considerable amount of time, if I slip once, it gets really hard to come back to it. I get discouraged so easily! But one thing I learned is this:

If you have one bad day, may it be about your diet, or smoking one cigarette after you've quit, or losing your temper, or whatever else, the progress you've made from doing the right thing in the previous days is not yet lost! There are still positive repercussions in place from the days that you've done the right thing. But if you let yourself discouraged, then one day becomes a week, a month, and then you'll have to start again. Don't let one bad event destroy your confidence in yourself!

Change is a gradual thing. If we are mean to ourselves and beat ourselves up about one mistake, then it gets harder and more embarrassing to get back up. So we need to be kinder to ourselves. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend and invite yourself to get back up. "It's okay, Buddy. Just keep going! I'm right here with you."

Sure it sounds a little weird, but I believe this is the purpose of imagination. It allows our world to be bigger than what's there, frees up space for us to move with ease. So be your own imaginary friend, and be an encouraging one! Don't be your own worst enemy.

Year's End, Wit's End, Bell End.

Ah, here it is. The year's end. Two things happen at this time, and as much as they contradict each other, they always come in tandem:

1. People start giving up on things they resolved to do this year
2. People start making new resolutions for the next year

As for me, I've tried enough times to know well enough that the typical kind of New Year resolution making is just not a thing that works for me, but I still use the pumped-up feeling that new years give me psychologically to push myself to dust myself off and try again.

*chiki-chiki-whow*

But I don't limit myself to just the start of the year. At the rate in which I stumble in my life, that simply would be unsustainable and I'd become a pile of self-loathing mudslosh. No, in fact, I'm doing another Aaliyah right now as I write this, because after a few weeks of hitting my post goals, one night of merriment has thrown me off! Yes, I've been doing well, posting once every two days to make up for the lull in November which was already a re-do of a failed re-do in the first place, but on the weekend it all went to shit.

I love my family though. They are a trip.

Here is what happened. We had a family gathering set for Saturday, and instead of just forgetting my responsibilities, I decided to plan ahead and be ready to make a post whilst away. At first I was even going to bring my laptop but at the last minute I decided pakdatshet and decided to do all my blogging on my phone, since I use it for my #EatMindfully posts anyway. And then I left my phone at home! I managed to salvage my food post by using Beardy's phone and posting it the next day, but by the time I was home and needing to make a quick post the alcohol in my system from the night before had already made me a sad, tired, loopy mess and I just wasn't feeling it. Hard drinking and I are not very good friends and we have not met for a while so I was pretty weak. I like beer and wine but I rarely drink for the sake of being drunk, which is the type usually done in Filipino gatherings. Unfortunately, the alcohol is usually really strong and not very tasty, and it makes me feel icky the next day. So I missed my personal deadline, and that in turn made it a bit emotionally daunting to try a day later. I'm really the easiest person to discourage at times.

But! Here I am. After a pep-talk with Emmy I decided to just talk about my process honestly instead of avoiding writing at all because of how shitty I feel. Feel too shitty to write something good? Write about feeling shitty instead to move on, then go back to normal programming. Yas. Good. So where was I ~

Ah yes, I'd like to discuss my "why". Why do I bother trying? What makes me feel like I should go on? It's not like people rely on my posts and can't go on without them. In fact, only a handful of people even see them.

Well, it's a matter of principle at this point. I'm making a conscious decision to do what fulfills me as a person. Writing and creating content is something that I'm truly passionate about, but I never gave it a real shot, never really stuck to it. I was too afraid to fail on my own. But now I feel like I have nothing to lose. Also, I want to come at the end of the 90 days and be able to tell myself that I started something, and I finished it! I've always pegged myself as someone who doesn't finish things she's started, and I want that to change. And how do I change that belief? By proving to myself that I can finish what I start. I need so much more than ever to trust and believe in myself. So that I could exert myself more creatively and be less defensive in my actions. I NEED SELF-CONFIDENCE!!!

Me on Christmas trying to make this work without losing my Christmas cheer
or rather my ..Christmas chill

So yeah, even though it might have sounded like I don't believe in resolutions (I do! - It just depends from person to person and how realistically you plan your actions), I actually think it's something that shows an admirable thing about being human - we always have hope. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy dose of it every now and then.