Starting Where You Are

There are many ways to do the right things. Many means to go about accomplishing a certain end. When we seek for help in accomplishing our goals, or in creating a more favorable situation for ourselves, we are faced with a million choices when it comes to  H O W  T O  G E T  T H E R E.

"There" usually being:

• better health
• better living situation
• a more fulfilling career path

Et cetera. There could be a thousand versions of even this list if we're being honest, but here let's just call them General Things to be Better at. That doesn't really work. How about Betterment Goals. I don't like how that sounds either. But this illustrates my point. Words can fail. 

The main focus of whatever journey you take on in getting yourself somewhere better in life, in whatever form "Being Better" would manifest in your imagination, should be 

W H E R E V E R  Y O U  A R E.

 R I G H T  H E R E

R I G H T  N O W.

And this is why many self-betterment guides would start with you listing your own answers to their questions. And yes, I am not here to discount you searching for those guides. In fact, depending on your personality, it might be better to look for more than one "guru" or whatever you want to call it, so that you can curate whatever resonates in your life in particular from many different sources, and make the roadmap you eventually follow your very own.

We like learning from others because we like information already processed and laid out for us to take in. This is easier than having to start from scratch, scrambling to find crumbs that will lead us to the bread, trying to find all the ingredients on our own. This is why we have grocery stores. I think I need to eat soon. I'm getting a little sidetracked.

Anyway, this is not a bad thing. This really does help. What I want to emphasize though, is that we should not be so naive and think that betterment ends in that learning. We take many things in. We make it our own. We share how we made it our own. Maybe more people will find it resonate better. They will take some of it in, just like how we took from others. Then they will make it their own.

Words do not contain the entirety of meaning. Other people can not provide the secrets to your success. Something has to come from you.

And yes, a lot of it relies on luck. But your luck improves when you improve your striving in finding these answers.

So, let me ask you a bunch of questions:

1. Outlook: Do you think you have a positive one? When you think about your day upon waking up in the morning, how do you feel? What causes anxiety in you? What causes joy? Do you notice yourself feeling one more often than the other? Why do you think so? Are you okay with that? (Like I wake up meh most mornings, but I'm cool with it. I think it's just how I am and it's fine) And if you're not, is there anything within your power that you can change?
2. The Good: What's already working out? This is important. What do you like that you don't really want to change in yourself, your living situation, your habits? You don't have to change everything. Maybe you don't even have to change very much. Honestly you don't even have to change at all. Let's be real. Your life your rules.
3. The Bad: But if there are things that aren't working out, maybe take some time to look at them. There are things that don't work out that are too uncomfortable to even acknowledge so we fail to realize that there's something there that we can actually control. But then there are things that we feel we have no power over. For those things, is it possible to tell someone? "Misery loves company" and this isn't just a sadistic urge that humans have for no reason. When we find others with the same problems, we are able to pick each other's brains about possible solutions. There's another one, "Two heads are better than one". Maybe there's something you're not seeing that someone's who's gone through the same thing knows about. That was a long painful sentence to read and I apologize.
4. The Ugly: Let me just talk about that word, Ugly. It has a bad rep. But I love it. I'm part of the niche crowd that uses it with a sense of endearment. Much of my hang-ups in life, I solved by changing my relationship with Ugly. More than my sense of self-worth ceasing to depend on my outward appearance, I see ugly as a sign of progress. Ugly is something that's on its way towards becoming. It's finding one's way. It's not incomplete, it's just in the process, and that's what life is. It's only complete when it ends. And So I Therefore Conclude: Ugliness and Beauty is like Life and Death. Polar opposites that are unalienable from each other. Just like.. well, poles. 

          So. In your life, what's being completed? What's in the middle of the process; something you started but haven't finished? Something you like but isn't "quite there yet"? And maybe, how do we look at it differently? As you being a Real Live Person, in the middle of figuring things out?

So there are questions for today. Maybe we ask them every now and then. This can be a model we use everyday when we meditate in the morning, or this could be just a one time thing. It's a dish I've made from ingredients I've taken from different sources that I have now served to you. Maybe you take something out from it, or maybe you just eat and run, and burn off all of the energy. But that's your process. Make it yours. As for me, I'm done with this one, and hoping to make more in the future.

Now, lunch.

State of Flow Through Sushi Go!

if you think these spreads are too lucky to be unstaged... you would be right.

Today, Beardy and I played Sushi Go!

It was the weekend, we felt like we deserved to do fun things after a tiring week, and since there were enough days between today and the next work day, I actually could relax into it, and my panicky "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE FUN" mode was completely off.

It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed trying for a change, to do some of the shuffling and dealing of the cards, and adding of points. Something I always let Beardy do because he does it faster and more efficiently, and we often play with friends and not just the two of us, so I don't want to take other people's time. But today was all about just enjoying ourselves, and Beardy is like a very supportive father when it comes to me trying to do it on my own, no matter how embarassingly slow.

Afterwards, I had some very queer feels, which I shared with him: That was relaxing, but also exciting! ("Just like Japan!" I had to say, not only because of Sushi, but because this day we're also trying to sort out the itinerary for the trip we'll take there in May)

Relaxing and Exciting.. Two things that don't normally come together for me. I'm either relaxed and therefore kind of demotivated to do anything but lay around, or excited, and therefore agitated and leaving nice wads of hair all over the floor.

But I think that's what the ideal state of flow is supposed to feel like.

It's easy to know how one should be like, to know about a state of mind, or a state of heart, but to truly be able to be there, in that state of mind or state of heart is really the only way one can be familiarized with in in such a way that can make it easier to recognize and therefore capture, or inhabit more often.

And when it clicked, when I recognized it as it happened, I thought, could I try and inhabit this state when creating art? When writing songs, playing, singing, when writing creatively?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to just write and create, without thinking about results, but just to create in order to improve, to go through the sensation of discomfort when something isn't panning out easily, when the words don't come, without letting the desire to correct myself absolutely engulf the whole experience?

So I thought of writing this, here, now. Hoping that I could inhabit all of the "This, Here, Now"'s of my life with more ease, more clarity, lightness, and me-ness. 

it's not about me. it's not about you.

in this production that is life, where we make scripts out of ideas and perform our humanity by sharing ourselves and our work, some of us will choose to be on camera, to be under the spotlight, to be the ones on the stage.

some will choose to stay backstage, behind the camera, working their magic from behind the shadows: their work doesn't have their faces on them, and we critique their work without making it personal.

but a lot more of us will choose to be part of the audience.

the audience plays a crucial part in any performance - we are the ones with enough distance from the productions to be able to objectively critique them. we are not operating on the survival mode level of "the show must go on" and are able to keep our wits about us. sometimes too much wit, that we forget to empathize with the performers in their heavy costumes under the hot spotlight.

we are the lucky ones able to just sit down and digest whatever's offered, and to place judgement. we don't feel the frantic energy behind the production that might make our opinions about inauthentic props and bad makeup feel very petty and unjust.

oftentimes, we forget that this is a privilege we receive by taking on this more passive role.

when you are onstage, people can hear you more, but you are also given fewer chances to be wrong. each failure, each misstep, can taint your name and even remove you from the stage, if it gets too bad.

we are all people, when stripped of our roles: we have preconceived notions, biases, unkind thoughts, misdirected emotions...

but when we only operate in the realm of ideas, and not so much in the realm of action, we are safe to think wrongly of things at first. our silence becomes a safety net for peoples' perception of us. we can try again, change ourselves, and choose to just show up when we're better. someday...

as i get older, i try harder to remember this, and to remind myself to look at everyone, whether they be actors in the spotlight, crew members behind the scaffolds, or vocal audience members, as parts of one whole. it is this one whole, this production, that needs to be critiqued. to be improved upon.

what is it to be human? what are we imparting to this world? where are we going?

i see no harm in criticizing points of view, in fact, it's crucial. but i find it important to remember that it's not about individual vendettas, that everyone comes from some place when forming their ideas about the world. it's all about trying to tip the scale, not writing someone off because they had a bad day, chose the wrong word once, or had a fuzzy brain day, like i'm having today as i write this.

(but of course, there will be those who will repeatedly resist any efforts people around them to put them on track, those who probably need some time off and take some time alone. i am not talking about those people. sometimes some people just need to SIT. DDOOWWWNN for a bit.)

i keep getting creative blocks whenever i get new ideas. i can never put anything forward because i fear being criticized in this way. i find the warm safety of my silence to be nice and familiar for little old low-impact me.

but i'm thinking that maybe if i am able to offer myself this same kindness, it wouldn't be so bad. i will just have to ignore the little nonconstructive audience member voices in my head, and accept that when you're ~in there~, you will be imperfect, you will make mistakes, but you will exercise the muscle of being out there, and little glimpses of what's right will eventually outshine the parts that are wrong, or awkward, or poorly done.

so, here's to me having to write sentences without capitalization because it ruins my flow and i'd rather write ugly than not write at all.

here's to me probably having a few typos or grammatical errors in here somewhere that i probably won't see until someone points it out because i don't want to risk not wanting to post this at all by reading back too many times (please do tell me if you find any! i'd appreciate it.)

here's to making mistakes on stage, in front, out loud, on camera, here's to exposing myself and to accepting that sometimes, audience members can forget to be kind, but that i don't have to be unkind to myself too.

here's to deciding to fill in one role fully instead of mentally splitting myself into all roles at all times, running the risk never getting anything done as a result.

here's to less of me, and more of what i want to bring forward.

here's to less of you, and more of our interaction and its effects.

here's to the production we are creating together.

may we be both grittier yet kinder somehow.

Emotional Minimalism

What if you could declutter your feelings?

What if you could look over the stock of emotional reactions you keep around, decide which ones to keep, and which ones aren't serving you anymore, and let them go?

Sure you can't toss people out in your life, there will always be bad apples in your circles, maybe even your family, but what if you can toss out the guilt, shame, undeserved care, or any other feeling associated with them that doesn't do anyone any good?

What if you can free yourself from the insecurity of not being as good as you want to be, and make some space to stock up on feeling excited about how much you can improve instead? After all, minimalism isn't about merely having less, but rather having what is essential, and forgoing everything else.

What if you could accept and recognize the effect of toxic people on you and decide not to feel obliged to impress them, and allow yourself to keep a civil, safe distance?

The thing is, you can. Sure, it's not an exact analogy: there is no before-and-after picture you can take, and it cannot be done over one long holiday. Emotions are habits, not things, and saying they're easy to quit is like saying beating addiction is as simple as just not buying cigarettes anymore.

Most days it would feel like giving away old clothes, only to find them back in your closet the next day. Emotions are clothes, if clothes were alive and could crawl.

Emotional decluttering feels more like training a muscle. You'll have to do it regularly, but there will always be an improvement, and it should only get easier over time.

And the way to start is to stop and decide to be aware of what you have in there in the first place. A lot of objectivity, a listening ear from a friend, maybe even a bit of journalling, but the most important thing is to choose to be aware of how you feel from now on.

Know that your emotions don't have to BE you. You don't have to let the monstrous black tides that wash over you pull you away into an endless sea of hopelessness or anger. You are more like a shelf, and emotions are the books you put into it. And sure, the longer you keep some books in there, the more they're going to look like they're part of that shelf, and the shelf won't ever be the same without them. That's all fine and good if you're keeping good classics in there that remind you of how to strive in life, and how to create and keep joy. How to love, or feel grateful, so sure keep those. But if they're shitty novels or gossip rags, would the shelf never being the same be such a bad thing?

It's hard, and it will take time. But it's a choice you can always make.

And again, Minimalism is not about having the least possible amount, but about having less of what you don't need, and more of what is essential. So perhaps, replacing the bad with the good will do you more favors than just trying to create a void and resisting the icky feelings when they come. Build the habit of hopping onto a happier train of thought instead of boring a hole into an awkward memory of a moment that you can't change.

There is loads of good advice out there about the hows of it all, but the most important part is to remind yourself that it's an option. There is a different way to live. There is a way to think kinder, that is, thinking in a way that is kinder to yourself, and this will allow you to also be kinder to others.

Since we're welcoming a new year soon, perhaps it would be a good time to start.

Trying to be who we want to be.

This is a human. An imperfect, asymmetrical, beautiful, lovely mess. 

Perhaps one of the biggest obstacles that come in the way of change in our lives is our lack of self-awareness. We all have a perception of ourselves that is more complete in terms of knowing our thoughts, our intentions, fears, and wants, but we see all of these as somewhat default reactions and ways of being.

We generally gain clarity in understanding most things we encounter in life by way of comparing and contrasting them with other things. When it comes to people around us, we are able to view them as they appear and place them beside each other in our minds, to make sense of what they are like: "Gina is a shy person while Linda is very comfortable around people." But most people see themselves as neither shy nor social until they are told. They just interact with the outside world in a way that feels like the only way they can. Their default. And because we all experience our lives and who we are from inside, it's quite a different thing to get to know ourselves.

When we grow into adults, we are given insight as to what types of personalities might do better or find it easier in life and we try to adjust ourselves accordingly. And yet, many of our efforts fail due to a sneaky tendency to assume that once we know how we should be, then we are already how we should be.

Some of the people who say "don't judge" a lot actually do a lot of premature judging themselves. Some people who keep telling other people how to be healthier are smokers.
Some people who complain about a lack of discipline in society can't even put their trash where it belongs.

It should do us some good to accept by default that we are imperfect, flawed, and learning. To try and observe ourselves as we live our lives and not as how we think we should live our lives. Even living needs practice when you put a set of values in the mix.

I am very humbled whenever I take a good look at myself. With all my learning, I'm still a very new, very elementary, very lost n00b. I know of many methods in productivity, health, business, that I know work, but I still find hard to apply anything well, because everyone's different, and will come across different things in their journey, and will have to adjust accordingly. Personally, I have a low attention span, and a great longing for habits but I am simultaneously allergic to them. I get impatient with myself and am prone to self-loathing, but I try to just learn something new about myself that might make it easier next time. And it always gets a little better next time. But I still have a long way to go.

When I try to change, I take it slow. I don't expect myself to be able to do it well right away. Because that's just not how it works. Learning takes time: nobody can say they know how to paint well just because they watched someone else do it. They have to take the time and make an effort to get there.

And they have to be ready to face the truth about where they are right now. Not to wallow about being really bad at the thing they want to be good at, but to know that there's still some-a-ways to go. I know that this quote from Ira Glass has been circulating a lot, and I'm pretty sure you've already read it in its original context:

Now try to think about this, but about how you live your life. 

About how much you want to be someone who does good in the world.

There is a gap between your understanding of what a good person is, and what you are able to bring to the table right now.

You will have to keep trying, but once you try enough, you can get there.

Just keep being honest with yourself.

Chasing The Present

photo: mine from Christmas Day. heheh.

Why is it so hard to stay present in our own lives?

It's probably not because of a lack of being reminded of it. We get reminded of it all the time, and yet, like being told to put sunscreen on, it soon becomes like background noise. Something you expect to hear, and agree to, it's just hard to apply it to your life. But why?

I'm guessing a lot of it is because of the fact that even though there are so many ways to put it into words (eg. live in the now, YOLO, be here now, wherever you are, there you are, be present, etc), as a concept, it has an odd ability to stay just a bit out of grasp, even after you understand it one time.

Because it's a way to be and to do things, not an activity in itself.

We can never hand out how to be present in specific, all-encompassing terms. We can only talk about what it could feel like, what it could cause, things that could probably help get us there.

It's not a one-size-fits-all type of deal. Everyone will have a different level of openness to the present that could give them the most benefit, and everyone would respond very differently to different ways to achieve this mental state.

However. it's a little bit easier to notice a severe lack of it.

We lack presence when we feel time go really fast. It means we spent a lot of time in our heads and have come back to our surroundings on a much later date or hour than we expected it to be. When we are riddled with regret, we know that we were stuck back in the past for a little bit. When everything around us seems dull compared to our dreams, we know we spent too much time imagining the future instead of being here, to make the future happen.

I guess what I'm saying is... being in the present moment is a little bit like happiness - it is best to approach it calmly, with open eyes and an open mind, and allowing it to fall into your hands. When you chase it, you lose it. Because it doesn't come from anywhere else but inside yourself.

See, it's hard to not sound mystical when trying to explain it!

But as I've said, a little bit more openness is helpful. And quite worth it, once you get to a point where it comes a lot easier. But things get a bit weird when what you need to be open to is not to do something more, but to do something less. To stop trying so hard.

Here are the personal tools I use when I attempt to pull myself back into here and now. I hope you find them helpful, if you feel open enough to receive them:

• Stop trying to be present. When you are fully present and are used to the sensation, it should not feel like trying at all. If it feels like trying at first, that's okay. But don't try too hard. You'll lose the calm required, and you'll use up will power that you could use for other things that let you function in your life. It's alright, we are humans and we need thinking about the past and future to make sense of our surroundings and lives. The key is to just stay open and to not get lost in these thoughts, so we can let the present flow, and be at peace with whatever comes.
• Let go of worry. A nice albeit morbid activity that I've recently embraced is to think about the impermanence of life and our eventual death, or Memento Mori. The first time I came across the idea, though. I internally flinched, because I thought I could never really think about death without feeling haunted by it. I can't not worry about it. But that actually goes against what Memento Mori is trying to achieve. Reminders of how short life is are not there to make us worry about it, which would take us away from the present, but to make us accept what's there at the end, and so we end up valuing what's here, now, even more. "Death is there, not here. Let there take care of itself, and let me take care of here."
• Be curious. Perhaps the most natural way to be in a state of flow. Follow your curiosity, and for any other old thing that you need to deal with, be genuinely curious about that. We often take curiosity for granted, as if it's something that can only occur spontaneously, but it can be helped along by a little effort from ourselves. It can be what makes a boring, soul-sucking errand turn into an interesting, complicated and stimulating activity. This is the only thing in this list that doesn't ask you to stop doing something, and that's what makes it the most important one. Avoiding things will never be as effective as simply replacing them with something better (even with diets!). And so never forget this most important step.

The Inner Lives of Strangers

A picture I took out my window yesterday while the rain was pouring. I snapped it just as this person was walking by and thought it looked a bit like something off of a Ghibli film.

I enjoy people-watching. And I know many other people who enjoy it too. I think it's natural for people to come into a somewhat voyeuristic trance when doing this, and sort of feel detached from their surroundings, as if they are looking into a glass window. It can be fun to be curious, to wonder about where everyone comes from, how they find the weather, who they love, and if they are happy.

But every so often, there is a risk of this detachment turning into something a bit more cynical, and it's as if we are looking into a glass bowl instead, with puny mindless fish inside. We are tempted to fancy our lives and minds more complex and colorful than theirs, simply because of the context we see them in. I come across posts online that on the surface seem to be helpful and insightful, asking for the reader to keep their eyes off their phones, to rush less and enjoy their surroundings, unlike the zombies in the picture with their eyes glued to their phones (non-verbatim of course). Just because everyone around you is rushing around, or doing common things, doesn't mean you are alone among mindless creatures of passive, mundane existence.

I believe there is a danger to painting with very broad brushes when we look at others in their unguarded moments. Any bitter sentiment stemming from feeling like everybody is dull more likely stems from an issue we have to deal with in ourselves, rather than the actual people around us that trigger these feelings. It reflects our own limited perspective, or perhaps imagination, when it comes to the complexity of life outside of our own immediate awareness.

It can be very helpful to approach thinking about the inner lives of strangers with suspended judgement, and more curiosity instead. Helpful not only for the people in question so that we may be kinder to them, but also, and this is true even if we never even interact with them; to our own peace of mind. Because we then feel less loneliness in being our complicated selves, when we realize that there are so many various interesting lives that we are not living, and we can only witness through being open to others when we interact with them. 

Confidence: An Underrated Virtue

We often regard confidence with the same aversion and slight intimidation that we do arrogance. In fact as a child, I saw the two as ultimately the same, save for how one has a positive connotation while the other has a negative one. But in my adult life, I find confidence to be a necessary trait that I often yearn for and find myself lacking in.

I find that in my culture, confidence is often discouraged. One would often hear a qualifier or an apology next to any statement that has any semblance of self-assuredness or assertiveness and one would risk isolation if they came off too strong or believed in themselves too much. 

However, there are more things separating confidence from arrogance apart from how positively or negatively their connotations are viewed. While arrogance is about an inflated sense and projection of oneself that may stem from insecurity, confidence can be alternatively interpreted as something that rests on a certain tranquility in who a person is, a steadiness of being, and accuracy of intent behind one's actions.

In fact, in this School of Life video, (which by the way do watch it after you read this if you have time. changed my life.) it is listed as a modern age virtue, along with compassion, resilience, empathy, hope, and other things that we'd expect from such a list. 

"Confidence is not arrogance. It is based on constant awareness of how short life is and how little we ultimately lose from risking everything." - Alain de Botton

Confidence, viewed as a virtue, becomes a very crucial part of self-actualisation. We need confidence to go after our ideas, even some of the untested and seemingly impractical ones, in order to make anything new or useful in the world. We are beings of action. No matter what beliefs we have, no matter what our insides look like, it is through action that we interact with the world and cause change. And without confidence in ourselves, we are missing many opportunities to be a source of goodness, comfort, or help in the world.

Many things, I find, are only as easy as we preemptively estimate them to be. There is only a certain number of times in which you need to do an action before the learning curve is done and you could do it without much conscious thought, but when we start doubting ourselves, that automation falters. Sometimes, we shoot ourselves in our own foot when we start off with zero confidence.

Even the best messages fail to inspire when shared with a shaky voice. We might do our good ideas a disservice if we are not confident in ourselves while trying to implement them. In fact, we might end up not doing them at all if we had no confidence.

Here are three tips I try to implement in my own life in order to be more confident (I haven't mastered them of course, we are all learning these things together!):

1. Stop micromanaging information - I tend to be someone who wants to know every single detail before progressing with tasks, or even my life. Some things that catch my attention are so tedious and ultimately non-important but take so much of my energy away from what matters. And once it's taken the reins of my thought process, it leaves me with so much uneasiness in myself, insecurity, and anxiety. I try now to block unimportant, nagging thoughts that drain my energy (like embarrassing conversations from years ago that nobody else remembers, or all the possible ways I could write a sentence better) and try to re-orient my attention to the present moment, and the next important step. This can be very hard when I'm really lost in a thought process, but I've started doing this thing where, when I catch myself starting a thought spiral, I shout and call Beardy and just ask him what's up. He knows what it means now. Haha.

2. Be present, or in non-mystical terms, focus on the task/event/conversation at hand. - Once I've put all of the noise aside, what's left to think about? This is where some perspective training is needed. I try to take on the perspective of a normal functioning adult, as I interpret it, and just focus on the task at hand, or the topic being discussed, instead of, for example, how I sound or look to the person I'm talking to, which might kill my confidence. As a very distracted person, it can be quite hard to figure out what the meat of the matter is at any given moment; I often get lost in my own head, but I'm training myself to see what everyone else must be seeing, by trying to stay present and truly pay attention to what people communicate, and to what's happening around me.

3. Practice. - A very important step. Many things we learn don't help us not because they weren't insightful enough nor blatantly false but simply because we didn't implement them well enough. To learn anything, we need to practice it until it becomes second nature to us, until it stops being something we have to think about and push ourselves to do. It just becomes who we are. Take Mindy Kaling's example:

I love the implications of this statement. Confidence is a thing that happens by default when we are not subdued by events or people in our lives that make us think we should be anything less than we are. As unnatural as confidence may feel to some of us, it is only right that we try to regain it in ourselves because it's not something that we can wait for in a society as skewed as ours. We must accept ourselves as however we come into the world and then proceed to take advantage of the limited time we have by taking a chance on our own dreams, ideas, and whatever brings us joy.

Shopping for Advice and Hoarding Wisdom

Imagine shopping for clothes one day, when a beautiful green sweater catches your eye.

You take it home, beaming with happiness. You feel like you've been looking for this sweater all your life. 

It makes you feel a sense of completeness; pride; even.

Then you put it in your closet with all your other clothes.

A few months pass, and the sense of completeness fades. You start itching to go shopping again. You go look for a new sweater.

You only ever wore the green sweater once.

Here's another one. Imagine buying a book that catches your fancy. You're relieved to snag a copy. You know the prints are limited and not everyone can get it. You feel very relieved that you are one of the chosen few. You put it on your shelf to read for later.. You smile at it every once in a while when you pass by your book shelf. You like how it looks like in your room. It feels very "you." But you struggle in finding time to read it. It spends so much time in your shelf that looking at it makes you feel a bit guilty now, and it dampens the feeling it once gave you.

When we buy things, getting the thing is just the first step to the experience of having it. For the item to fulfill you, it must be used according to the purpose it was made for.

The more we forget about the value of what's already there, the more we accumulate more of the same things. We start hoarding, uhm..."collecting" things that kind of just sit there, gathering dust.

Now stop thinking of the sweater and the book, and start thinking about advice you've gotten, read, stumbled upon, through the years. This kind of behaviour isn't strictly reserved to stuff we have in our rooms or houses. Beyond the physical realm, a lot of us have a habit of hoarding unused wisdom. In the sacred room that is our brain.

You receive it, and feel very enlightened to be someone who has this wisdom in their possession, but fail to use it. And so coming across this valuable piece of information becomes meaningless.

You know what I'm talking about right? There are figurative truckloads of overused quotes that you hear or read so much that they start to mean nothing. There are so many nuggets of wisdom that are quite universally familiar to the common person. And yet... Well, look at our world. Heck, just look at your Facebook feed.

Everyone knows they need to value their time more than they value money. Everyone knows that not all available knowledge is verifiable truth. Everyone knows how important empathy is. And yet... And yet.

The thing is, this is difficult for all of us. The second step after acquiring a good -which is actually using it- isn't always natural to us. And it's doubly hard to use advice and wisdom, because at least for our belongings, we are physically reminded that we have them, by their mere presence. It's far more difficult to do this to the contents of our brain and the behaviour that stems from it. Self-Awareness is the trickiest part of self-improvement.

Tricky because it's unlikely to be triggered to even really stop and think about it. There are no obvious signs that point to a lack of self-awareness in ourselves, even though it's easy to see it from other people. But if one feels that they've received so much good advice and yet their situation feels dis-aligned from what this wisdom was supposed to cure, it's pretty safe to say that they've probably been hoarding and not using.

I find this in my own life plenty of times. There are moments of clarity and peace, but every once in a while, because our lives naturally have ebbs and flows, I look at the state of my mind and my life and just go:

Then I'll have to gather myself, and try to focus on just a few nuggets of wisdom and really work on implementing them. Intently, whole-heartedly, self-criticisingly. It's always really messy and painful and humbling, but I always feel better, more together afterwards.

I'm currently undergoing a 90-day project after going to Arriane Serafico's workshop: I'm trying to create content regularly. And I have been struggling. In trying to come out of the rut, I find that using advice that I've known for a long time works just as well as looking for new inspiration. Especially if I've lost touch with the "old" advice. I just have to dust it off, and try it on again. It takes lots of practice and repetition before I feel like I've really learned and used a lesson and not just acquired it, and that first one is the secret to making the advice valuable at all.

It's easy to share a picture with a quote on it when it seems to make sense and is clever. But to be honest, a lot of the time, the people I see who do this very often, and with very varied (not ideologically-aligned) content, I've observed, seem to contradict themselves a lot, or seem to not really apply the wisdom to their lives, or worse, seem to have a habit of preaching, being offensive, or sub-posting (nagpaparinig in Filipino). While the people who do it less often seem to "curate" these pieces of wisdom and have them align with the way they live. They are not swayed by something just because it sounds clever, if they don't believe it. I think it might have to do with a person's relationship and openness to wisdom. Sometimes people like to skim the surface and be entertained or amused, or to criticise, and shame, while other times, they want to embody, teach, and share. Or maybe it has more to do with how careful a person is about what they impart to the world (some of those people I mentioned earlier post a lot of unverified "facts", too. haha.)

It is very easy to find faults in others, but hard to see them in yourself for the same reason that it's easier to make an inventory of what you own in your house VS what memories you have in your brain. We can see, hear, sense these faults around us, because we encounter these people and observe them. There are observable signals from outside ourselves that trigger our conclusions. The only way to observe ourselves is to make a point to do so. It rarely comes from the outside, and if it comes from other people, it's painful and will likely make us too defensive to make a real change.

So where do we start? First of all, when you see a quote that starts with "Some people..." Stop yourself from immediately thinking that you're not one of those people before you even read it. We always think we're on the right side of everything until we are proven wrong. It is very important to try to jump at any occasion to better oneself, before immediately thinking of someone else the advice must be useful to. Nobody wants to be that person who pushes their views, criticises and preaches to everyone but is unaware that everyone else thinks they don't follow their own advice. It also reminds people of advice they think you could use, if you get very critical and preachy to everyone else.

Second, think of the things that make you unhappy that you feel you have no control over. Then, think of the ways you can influence it. Accept that even though a lot of life is about luck, and social systems make it so that it's harder for some people than others, there's a way for you to make it at least a little bit better, and do that thing. This isn't to say that you shouldn't criticise the people that might be responsible, like, it's healthy to criticise some things, like the government, corporate greed, bad parenting or whatnot, but don't stop there and just give up. Do something from where you are. Every little bit helps. Everyone wishes someone else had done something, and yet they don't do much themselves.

Also, word to the wise: as much as you might think someone isn't criticising themselves, don't blatantly tell anyone that they never do. We don't fully know each other's inner journeys and if you happen to accuse someone of this who's actually undergoing a lot of self-criticism at the time, they might just stop trusting you. If you feel it is needed, maybe suggest it as a gentle nudge or ask it as a question. Don't assume!

Lastly, beyond understanding newly-acquired Golden Nuggets of Wisdom (or even old ones, because I'm sure you have a lot of gems in there that you haven't used to their full potential), try and find ways in which they apply to your own life, and think of specific behaviours you have that you could change accordingly. This part is very difficult for me, but I'm slowly learning to make my actions match my thoughts. The key is to keep trying, keep practicing, do it wrong, see what went wrong, change accordingly, fail better, keep applying again and again, keep learning, and to never give up. Or, to try again after every single time where you do give up, because ~even the best fall down sometimes~. 

It's never too late! Let's all do this together!

Fate·a·li·ty

Just a warning, I will say the word "fate" here at least 1/10 times as much as it was said in this ^ movie.

I used to romanticise a few things that I find silly now: Unrequited Love, my future that I believed was "destined" for me, my fate in general.

I fancied myself a martyr for love, and I guess deep inside I was holding out for fate, believing it was destiny I sensed that caused my obsessions for those innocent bystanders that I happen to ordain with my affection from afar.

Of course it was not, and instead it was me choosing them, I didn't know I was, but I chose them while simultaneously holding on to the belief that I wasn't choosing them; that fate chose them for me somehow, and thus my obsession lingered and festered and ate me from inside.

I fancied myself special, someone inherently "meant to succeed", who cannot possibly fail, someone who'd find their way handed to them even if they just sit idly by, because people will recognise whatever value they had within them.

Of course this wasn't the case, and I soon found that I had to actively Show Up, Get Inspired, Have Ideas, Create Things, and Show My Work in order to be of value to anyone. I will not always be able to rely on people assigning things for me to create. Life as a creator means finding the needs myself, and filling up the spaces I find; a skill I'm still trying hard to learn to this day.

Life does not choose. Life is a book where our stories are written as they happen. Fate on the other hand, is like an imaginary book where things that have not happened are already written and fixed. How do we find out our fate? We can't. It cannot actually exist outside of the present moment and the moments that have already passed. Fate is a concept we pick up in our deck of psychological ways to cope when we want to be sure of things, or contented with what is there. It is something we sometimes use to soothe ourselves of our own responsibility in how our lives turn out. That's the difference between saying "Whatever happens is meant to be." and saying, rather that "Whatever happens, happens." The first one assumes that there's something else that is in charge. The second one does not imply anything, just that what is, is. In taking life as it is, we are closer to truth, and we can more easily access how to deal with this truth.

When they say "You make your own destiny", that means there is no path to find. You are dealt with a set of random cards time and again, and for every round, you choose. You can either choose carefully, knowingly, choosing as your heart desires, or you can play the whole game thinking the book of fate tells you all the answers, leaving you to second guess your choices endlessly.

Here are the facts:

1. You can't control everything.
2. Neither can anybody else.
3. But everyone can control something. No matter how it looks, you have ways available to you right now to at least steer towards the right direction.

And sometimes, that is all you need to do good in this world.

Why "doing what you love" isn't just self-indulgence

There recently had been backlash towards the "Do What You Love" philosophy, the way of thinking that promotes pursuing your passion instead of financial pursuits or prestige. This way of thinking had been deemed classist and inconsiderate of people who simply cannot live day to day without juggling three jobs to make ends meet, or people who are locked down in their jobs because of loan debt or other crises, among others.

For the most part, I agree. The backlash, as I understand it, targets people who offhandedly attempt to suggest that doing what you love is possible for anyone, and people who don't do what they love are somehow wrong or at fault for having the lives that they do. This is not true at all - it is short-sighted and simply obnoxious to try and prescribe this to everyone and anyone who is unhappy without looking at their particular situation. 

However, for people who do have the ability to choose, I do think that there are colossal merits to trying to pursue this ideal. I feel that too many people feel as if pursuing their passions is somehow self-indulgent, just because not everyone else is given the same opportunity as they are.

I think this way of thinking helps those people just as much as eating all of the food on your plate when you were a child helps all the starving children in the world...

Hint: it does not...

It just makes you guilty, and possibly nauseous.

“I really believe that the world needs more people working on things they love.” 

-Arriane Serafico

When we do something that we love, we simply have more spirit fuel to try and do this thing in the best way we can, and for longer. And we are more likely to be spiritually awake when we do things we love rather than when we do things we feel obliged to do that we dislike. When I say spiritually awake, I mean that state of genuine engagement with your work where you are more likely to think creatively, to think of the moral implications of the work you put out, to feel involved in this work, and to feel like it is something you will be proud of putting forth into the world, when you're at the end of your life. Instead of feeling like a passive cog or gear in a machine that you have no real control over.

Disclaimer: When I say love, I don't mean simple enjoyment, which can fade after your calling becomes your job or when the going gets tough. I mean love as in fierce love - when you believe in your heart of hearts in the value of something, and you treasure it no matter what; much like the love we have for people in our lives.

Of course, it is possible as the intelligent and dynamic beings that we are, to simply choose to have this mindset, to be spiritually awake, in whatever it is that we are already doing. So if you're in a particular occupation or field right now that you don't really particularly despise, but you wouldn't say that it has really been "what you always wanted to do" either, if you're somewhere in between, then give passion a real shot in whatever it is! Get obsessed with it. Learn more about it. Try to see if you can be more passionate in whatever it is that you do everyday, and heighten the experience! And if you are already in there but have lost your passion, try to get it back. Remember, it goes both ways: Do what you love, love what you do.

But if you are, like me, at a place in your life where you're just about to choose what it is that you'll be doing, give yourself a favor and truly consider work that will make this passion occur spontaneously. Skip a step. Get to that place where you can be passionate and therefore make better work that much quicker. It will not only be a favor to you in this way, but clearly, through playing to your passions, (which would then through sheer force of love and will, be your strengths) a favor to whoever it is you would be serving through your work. 

Here is a video from The School of Life (a recent gem I discovered!) that attempts to guide one in one's pursuit of finding fulfilling work. I'm in the process of applying this advice myself, and found it very refreshing and comforting, so I want to share it with you, because I'm grateful that you're here reading my blog, which is currently where my passion is. Haha!

Hope to see you again here soon.

Inside Out and how Empathy lets Joy "Grow Up" (and its parallelisms with Hector and the Search for Happiness)

*slight spoiler warning*

Inside Out reminds me of Hector and the Search for Happiness.

In this film, Simon Pegg's character Hector starts out pretty unhappy even though he is quite well off. He feels very meh about his very comfortable, "tidy" life. He is a psychiatrist and he listens to his clients' stories with emotional detachment. He tries to find meaning in his life and goes traveling, being the privileged individual who can afford it that he is.

I highly recommend this film for good vibes, by the way.

There is a moment in this film that keeps coming back to Hector, when he finds himself under Tibetan prayer flags, and he hears a voice saying that it takes all of the different colors. It takes all colors.

In Inside Out, this concept is illustrated through the five emotions in Riley's head. At first, it seems as though Joy is the only positive, functional emotion. I'll try not to spoil Hector, but at the end of both movies, the lesson is clear: processing, or working with the other seemingly negative emotions is the way to sustain Joy's functionality. We should not suppress "negative" things, but deal with them and let them allow us to empathise with each other, so that happiness can have meaning. 

As children, for us who are privileged enough in terms of where we live, our world is kept small and simple. At this stage, it is easy and natural for Joy to be the only emotion we come across often. But as we grow up, our world becomes bigger. We are made to deal with a lot of uncomfortable changes in our own lives, and we see the state of the rest of humanity. We also hopefully start to understand other people better, and we are pressured more to take other peoples' feelings into account. A lot of people cannot choose to live without these negative feelings as a result of their life's circumstances, or mental/psychological capabilities, or the experiences they've had.

Even though Inside Out and Hector demonstrate the same concept in very different life stages, both stories put Joy in charge, and allow her to work with the others. Joy is in charge, because it motivates us to keep going on so that we can make things better.

 Both stories attempt to teach the lesson that a meaningful life, one we can be happy to look back on, requires us to be open to all emotions and not suppress pain and discomfort when they come. Processing and going through all of them together, "all the colors", and not clinging too much to joy and comfort so much that it loses all meaning. 

Joy in itself is a dead end, if we don't put it in context with the other emotions. We need to use joy to propel us to ease each others' pain, and our own.. But only after we open our eyes and hearts to find out where that pain is.

Movie Rating: 4 STARS. Really cool, but makes me really want a sequel to feel like it's enough.

the n00b advantage

I've always been vocal about being a fan of Cesar Millan. I even dedicated a campaign proposal project in school to his philosophies. Today I watched an episode of the Dog Whisperer that pulled on my heartstrings a lot of different ways.

First of course, the main story of the episode and the basis for the episode title, there was Gotti and his late owner Jimmy who was a great follower of Cesar (from afar) and looked up to him in the way he trained Gotti. 

Cesar came over to his bereaved family months after Jimmy died to rehabilitate Gotti, who was already used to the techniques from Jimmy because Jimmy watched Cesar so closely when he was still alive. By this time Daddy had already passed away, and Cesar noted that Gotti has similar behaviours to Daddy. Jimmy's sister emotionally expressed that she felt really honoured by Cesar's comment, (and to be honest I felt emotional too) and felt proud that Jimmy seemed to have done things right with Gotti. Like Cesar said, it was like he met Jimmy in spirit, and he was very much still alive through his legacy in raising Gotti.

Second, there was the story of Madison and her owner Adrianna. Madison's only real behaviour problem was how she jumps at people when she greets them. At 150 pounds, it proved to be a bit serious after Adrianna's dad sustained a neck injury and had to wear a neck brace. Adrianna seemed to be aware from the start that she had problems asserting herself, specifically in terms of personal space. She grew up with a twin sister and never had to familiarize herself with owning it. She said she "wasn't good" at it, because of this fact.

Cesar and Daddy

But Cesar digressed and said (this is paraphrased from memory):

That's good! To me, all I see is possibility. ‘Cos you don’t know how to do it wrong! You’ve never tried it. It’s a blank canvass.

That hit me on the head like a bottle of cold water on a hot, sweaty day. Unexpected, eventually what you needed in the first place, and ultimately refreshing.

I realised that there are probably many things in life that I put myself down about, but have never actually tried to know for sure. Selling, working in a professional environment (that isn't run by my mom that is), croquet, tennis, writing a book, even the big things, like running a business!

There are so many things too, that I felt like I've tried and failed at, when I in fact haven't given them a real good try and can't possibly judge myself on them fairly. So much things that I've mentally sorted as "not my thing" when I've in fact not really given them a good go to be sure. And they're things that I find really interesting so it's not like there's no reason to try!

What I do know I'm not very good at is constancy and determination. I definitely know how to do those wrong. But the fact that this comes from knowing something changes my paradigm: Maybe I can change the way I know about them, and get a way that will work for me! Cesar had certainly changed many people who knew very well how to do stuff wrong. It's harder and needs more repetition, but not impossible.

But first I need to focus and re-frame the way I think about the things that I'm "bad" at but haven't really tried. Who knows, maybe I'm actually good at them.

First things on my list:

1. making documentaries
2. doing citations
3. finishing college

Okay okay, I admit I kinda molded that to my current needs but.. It's hard to focus on much else. But hey, I'm usually bad at that so that's a good thing!

holding yourself accountable doesn't work

without displacing your debilitating deep-seated beliefs.

In trying to be an over-all better person, I've been finding myself face-butting the same obstacles over and over again. I just devolve into doing the same bad stuff I did before the life change, because I wasn't vigilant enough to see through some of my brain's sneaky ways. Some beliefs are already impulses; hard to detect and blow up. They're already habits. Mannerisms. Sometimes as difficult to change as intentionally changing the way you laugh. They beat with your heart and ride in your blood. You have to catch them again and again and again, and willingly change them, a number of times that I personally am having trouble believing I can keep up with.

These are some beliefs I recently discovered I actually had:

1. I only start things and flake out so why bother or ruin the fun of the present moment (the present moment being something a lot of fun but not gratifying like watching cartoons)
2. Immediate gratification is the shortcut to happiness why bother taking the long route
3. I'll never be really happy, only momentarily so why bother

Oh bother.

I have all of the reasons to believe otherwise, and when I catch myself at these thought patterns I usually can firmly say I am wrong. However, everything else, like what I do, how I feel, tell me that I still inwardly hold these beliefs. Subconsciously. They are the way I function by default. And the following beliefs support those bigger ones:

1. Ah it's okay to rest once I've done good. Stopping the good action is a way of rewarding oneself.
2. If I shuffle around and do random things based on my mood I'm sure I'll keep progressing in life ^^
3. This action right here even though not urgent nor important, boosts my mood, so it's good to do it.

Once again I know how dumb these statements are. Especially when written down.

And I know how many people have taught that changing your beliefs is one of the most important steps. Unfortunately, just looking at me tells you that there's a road there that you can only discover and tread and solve alone.

 It's not really about learning anymore. It's a big, dirty, messy process of detecting the belief as it comes and physically forcing myself to build different habits. The task suddenly looks bigger and more daunting. Like trying to learn how to draw with my left hand when my right hand is just much more stronger and more coordinated. And it's too easy to just block everything out and keep doing what I've always been doing. But I already know how ugly the end of that road is.

Ah growing up is hard.

Laidback Thursday v.1 (Tao of Pooh and undergraduate thesis stuff)

Hi! Yeah I'm saying hi now because I feel like I've earned the right to, (or at least it won't seem AS stupid anymore) since I'm only a little less than a hundred views away from a thousand. I'm still an unknown but, I think I've earned saying hi and pretending someone's reading this by now. B-)

So hi! Whoever you are, be you a personal friend who loves me so steadfastly that you'd actually check out mumblings I scatter around the web or a random passerby who's been Googling about Ricky Garduno after watching an episode of Family Guy... Hi to the five or maybe ten of you!

This week in retrospect has not been very great on my self-esteem (regarding my hopes for graduating this semester) but today actually felt a lot better and hopeful. After some days of serious down times of wishing I could just run away to a forest with lots of trees, no people and maybe a single beautiful waterfall, isolating myself from all of society to live in peace and untested stillness, and struggling bigtime to make my thesis film happen, today, I feel more in the process than ever before.

This is, hugely, thanks to the help of The Tao of Pooh.

I let my friend borrow it right after I borrowed it so I didn't have time to read it. She kept it for more than a year! Haha. But gave it back at the MOST. PERFECT. TIME.

Things work out that way.

And now I present to you my trailers and posters.

I've got a LOT of nerve posting these. I haven't even finished shooting! 
(The music in the trailer was made by spontaneously downloading Audacity and humming and "bumbum"-ing to my laptop's crappy mic over and over and over again. The posters were made with MS Paint.)
But yeah, what do you think?

It's playtime. :)

It's somehow became a trend in everything I read lately: what people regret when they're dying. It showed up in the book I just read, It showed up blogposts and facebook newsfeed updates. All from different people. We are mortal beings. We will die someday. What we have here in front of us, the Now, is all we have at any given time. And one day we won't be conscious of it anymore. We will become unconscious earth matter again. Wasting time is a greater sin than wasting electricity, money, water, anything at all.

Something happened in first period made me disappointed in myself today. It made it so clear how I've let many things that are so near to me slip by. But I'd dare say that actually feeling disappointed by something like that is a HUGE improvement on my part. Because I see now, clearly, how things can be really better. Why it's important to try. Why it's not a big waste of energy. I see that picture in my head, I see what I'm missing. And it all came to me before it's too late.

I feel my higher Self calling out to me, telling me it's time for another paradigm shift.. (I hear Scott Pilgrim in my head: "One of your famous paradigm shifts?")

When I came home, I was so set on making things right. I had a flash of a magical feeling of presence during third period while watching a documentary about Global Warming and I was planning to use it to its full potential. But somehow the afternoon turned into playtime with my nieces. First I was teaching my 8-y/o niece new french words (she likes making me teach her some french that I learn from class) and my 3-y/o niece kept piping in and so I let her join us. Then it turned into a wonderful wonderful time. We practiced handshakes, little tickling rhymes, and other games. Then we pretended to be animals. I was so fully immersed in these activities, fully going for it, ignoring whatever it was in my head that was making me a bit embarrassed about how silly I was being. The distinction between the adult and the children disappeared. All that was left were three children, just one "leading" with more experience and knowledge under her belt. But all of the things we were doing were not below me at all. We were equals.

It's time to look at independent life as one huge playground.

Why? I just put some things together, very recent things (as if the universe was singing me a song), and it all made sense:

1. It's useless to aim for "adultness". Because what is an adult anyway? Weren't we all kids at some point? What makes a kid any less of a human being than a fully grown human being apart from the fact that a child is new and has less responsibilities? I've always felt insecure about the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in a really childlike mindset. This has caused a lot of fear and resistance on my part. But I've now come to terms with the fact that there's nothing wrong with feeling like a kid having adult experiences. That maybe it's not me being a child. It's just who I really am, and that's okay. A person is a person is a person. I should apply the respect I have for children (trying to talk to them as equals instead of manipulating them with my advantages in practical knowledge and experience) to my own self. I am me no matter what age I am and I don't need to act in a way that isn't me.
2. Playtime creates REAL dreams, goals, aims, personalities. I know that treating life like it's playtime and to not take it seriously seems irresponsible. But when I really think about it, when I used to play games as a kid, when I pretended I was a doctor, a mom, a talented violin player, in my head, it was pretty darn serious business. It felt important. It was just pretend, but I really lived and was present in those "characters" much more than I ever have been in my real adult life so far. Playtime generates REAL, USABLE LIFE ENERGY. And if I employ the same enthusiasm and presence to my life now, there will be far more resistance and more enjoyment in every step I take.
3. It's all about self-validation. If this is what works for me, then I should use it! Awakening the child in me shakes off A LOT of the inhibition. It feels good being able to let go of all my preconceptions about how I should act. Or how I need to do things. Nobody else really knows what they're doing anyway.

Isn't this a more exciting concept anyway? Being a kid doing adult stuff? Having fun, doing what you want, but also KNOWING what you're doing and having the liberty to decide?

I agree. It definitely is. And if immersing myself in this paradigm shift is really all it takes for me to make the most of the time I've got left than isn't that just a classic case of "Back to Basics"? Ah well. I never would have really understood its importance the easy way.