Post-Romantic Love Conquest: The Dreamiest Life

Valentine's Day amiright?? All the love-themed memeing has got me thinking and reflecting about love in my own life, and what my love "conquest" is going to be now that I'm A-OK in the romantic love aspect.

A lot of us grow up thinking that we are to search life looking for that other person to complete us, and V-day is supposedly about that kind of love. Recently though, I find that people are more sensible about it being a commercial holiday and have decided to own it instead and put their own spin: it's morphed to become a holiday that's about just love itself, and we express it to people who are important to us, not necessarily just our lovers or crushes. Our friends, parents, siblings, even our pets! Personally, I've been spending the past Valentine's Days with either my friends or my family. And now that Emmy and I are actually together on Valentine's Day for the first time?...

 We both spent it with my family. Haha!



I got to try Umenoya for the first time - it's located in the Microtel by Windham hotel that Emmy's family stayed in two Christmasses ago (woah! I almost said "last Christmas", how fast time flies!) Only my mom has tried it before in my family.

I had a Nigiri set meal as usual, and I find this place to be REALLY GOOD. The fish was fresh. The Uni was clean on the palette and service was nice. My mom opted for a private seating room - the kind where you can put your feet down into the floor - not sure what the terminology is! It has interesting decor, but it's muted compared to Ryuma, which is more kitsch. It was more relaxing and intimate. And the prices are lower, at least for the meal I got.

Emmy and I got a picture taken at the entrance - this was where we dropped his family off after New Year's Eve - it was very bittersweet for me. 

The day after Valentine's, we remembered that we had downloaded Sense and Sensibility in January so that it could be our special V-day movie. We figured it was never too late, and since our Mondays are free for now we had a nice Film/Show watching day complete with Mcdo and the long-awaited V-day Bob's Burgers episode.

Today though, I decided to openly ponder, through writing, about my current love conquest. And that is the search for my own ideal life. I want to take a few moments to fangirl over not my dream boy or girl, but my dream life... Aaaaaah.

And because most of pondering occurs in lists, let me list down the aspects of this dream life in bullet points!

• I want a creative life - It seems like it should be obvious that a creative person automatically will have a creative life, but as I grow older it takes more effort to seek creative activities actively. I want to spend more time deliberately painting, drawing, crafting, generally working with my eyes and hands, alone or with friends! My best friends and I have been discussing activities that can make this happen in a communal kinda way, because everything good is better when shared.
• I want to get back with music, and to stay together with it - because it's been hard for me to write songs lately, I've stepped back from singing and playing at all, and that's super strange! Especially since, like I told Emmy a few weeks ago, music used to be what I identified with when I was younger. When I self-identified, I would say "I'm a singer and a songwriter". And for years now, that hasn't been true, and it feels very bizarre and surreal how far away I feel from that person now. I know people change, and if I've naturally moved on as a person to something else then I'd be fine with that, but recently I've been itching to come back to that. It's not gone from me. It's still inside, wanting to come out. I just haven't taken the chance to have a real go at it again.
• I want a lifestyle change!!! - I want to take charge of my daily habits even more.

1. I want to wake up earlier and sleep more soundly, 
2. I want to eat less meat and dairy, and more whole foods, and to drink more water 
3. I want to move moderately and regularly, and form fitness habits that work for my lifestyle (I don't like pushing too hard, I don't want to have to go somewhere else to do it, I like dancing)
4.  I want to use my time more actively rather than passively. Less browsing, more editing videos, writing content, practicing my skills in those areas, and in art and music! And French.
5. I want to be more mindful of my belongings and have less unaccounted-for stuff in my place.
6. I want to start saving for my future and my creative projects. I'm currently in the process of finding a job that suits me, and I gave myself an ultimatum that if I don't find anything else, I will do what I used to do: be a call center agent! Scary! But I found a place that seems less stressful, and again that's just my option for when I don't find anything more suitable.

I've been going towards the right direction but very slowly, and it's a forward-and-back-again kind of process. But once Emmy and I move into our own place, I'm looking forward to really dive into it face-first! That being said, even now that we're still living in my room all of the time, I can still do a few of these changes:

1. Using my free time more purposefully. I'm still struggling at this bigtime, as can be seen through my very sparse posting habits here and on YouTube, but I'm sure I'll get a hang of it, I just have to keep at it everyday. 
2. I'm going to have a major decluttering session! I'm going to apply the KonMari Method (with alterations) to the things in my room, so that when I move into a new space, I will feel like a NEW WOMAN. whoo. It will also help me worry less about the attic caving in from the weight in my room. Haha.
3. Less-intense diet changes. We have trouble keeping our ideal diets when we live with other people, and end up eating McDonald's a lot! But even though we can't make our own food, I've kept on pulling my intake into the reasonable side, which was greatly helped by my #eatmindfully project last year. To be honest, I've been eating a little more, but it's still under control B-) And we still keep our owl water cups handy all the time!
4. Very easy exercise! A little goes a really long way for me. Just 12 reps of weighed squatting leaves me sore for a couple of days! Then I can go again. And I really feel improvements right away. It's pretty nice.
5. Keep learning about how to make things happen. I know I say this all the time, but Gretchen Rubin books are so effective and helpful to me. I love that she takes into account everyone's idiosyncrasies and real data, statistics, and sprinkles personal accounts and accounts of real people in the mix. It's just... So easy to understand and doesn't ring my "THIS IS BS" alarms. Right now I'm reading Better Than Before, which I was thinking about preordering on her website, thinking it might take a while to get here, but suddenly found on a shelf in the bookstore with the minimalistic original cover that I really like!!! Anyway, it's teaching me how to prioritize and effectively attempt change, so that's exciting because I can really use the guidance.

So yeah! A creative, functional, healthy life! So dreamy!!! I hope I make it werqq this year!

Chasing The Present

photo: mine from Christmas Day. heheh.

Why is it so hard to stay present in our own lives?

It's probably not because of a lack of being reminded of it. We get reminded of it all the time, and yet, like being told to put sunscreen on, it soon becomes like background noise. Something you expect to hear, and agree to, it's just hard to apply it to your life. But why?

I'm guessing a lot of it is because of the fact that even though there are so many ways to put it into words (eg. live in the now, YOLO, be here now, wherever you are, there you are, be present, etc), as a concept, it has an odd ability to stay just a bit out of grasp, even after you understand it one time.

Because it's a way to be and to do things, not an activity in itself.

We can never hand out how to be present in specific, all-encompassing terms. We can only talk about what it could feel like, what it could cause, things that could probably help get us there.

It's not a one-size-fits-all type of deal. Everyone will have a different level of openness to the present that could give them the most benefit, and everyone would respond very differently to different ways to achieve this mental state.

However. it's a little bit easier to notice a severe lack of it.

We lack presence when we feel time go really fast. It means we spent a lot of time in our heads and have come back to our surroundings on a much later date or hour than we expected it to be. When we are riddled with regret, we know that we were stuck back in the past for a little bit. When everything around us seems dull compared to our dreams, we know we spent too much time imagining the future instead of being here, to make the future happen.

I guess what I'm saying is... being in the present moment is a little bit like happiness - it is best to approach it calmly, with open eyes and an open mind, and allowing it to fall into your hands. When you chase it, you lose it. Because it doesn't come from anywhere else but inside yourself.

See, it's hard to not sound mystical when trying to explain it!

But as I've said, a little bit more openness is helpful. And quite worth it, once you get to a point where it comes a lot easier. But things get a bit weird when what you need to be open to is not to do something more, but to do something less. To stop trying so hard.

Here are the personal tools I use when I attempt to pull myself back into here and now. I hope you find them helpful, if you feel open enough to receive them:

• Stop trying to be present. When you are fully present and are used to the sensation, it should not feel like trying at all. If it feels like trying at first, that's okay. But don't try too hard. You'll lose the calm required, and you'll use up will power that you could use for other things that let you function in your life. It's alright, we are humans and we need thinking about the past and future to make sense of our surroundings and lives. The key is to just stay open and to not get lost in these thoughts, so we can let the present flow, and be at peace with whatever comes.
• Let go of worry. A nice albeit morbid activity that I've recently embraced is to think about the impermanence of life and our eventual death, or Memento Mori. The first time I came across the idea, though. I internally flinched, because I thought I could never really think about death without feeling haunted by it. I can't not worry about it. But that actually goes against what Memento Mori is trying to achieve. Reminders of how short life is are not there to make us worry about it, which would take us away from the present, but to make us accept what's there at the end, and so we end up valuing what's here, now, even more. "Death is there, not here. Let there take care of itself, and let me take care of here."
• Be curious. Perhaps the most natural way to be in a state of flow. Follow your curiosity, and for any other old thing that you need to deal with, be genuinely curious about that. We often take curiosity for granted, as if it's something that can only occur spontaneously, but it can be helped along by a little effort from ourselves. It can be what makes a boring, soul-sucking errand turn into an interesting, complicated and stimulating activity. This is the only thing in this list that doesn't ask you to stop doing something, and that's what makes it the most important one. Avoiding things will never be as effective as simply replacing them with something better (even with diets!). And so never forget this most important step.

Last Moments of the First Day

New Year's Happiness Guidelines, because I did say the reflecting will come later for me.

Wrote this on my journal. They are not exactly measurable Resolutions in the usual, effective sense but more of a meditation and an emotional compass. There is so much negativity and hung-up-ness that needs shedding, even after years of thinking I was a positive person. Goes to show that it's not about staying happy all the time, but about aiming for wellness, which is to say, you explore your demons and work through them and move on from them, rather than just dousing everything with icing on the surface.

I see myself as more flawed than I've ever seen myself, but at the same time I've never loved myself more.

Avoiding Post-Shopping Guilt: Money Can't Buy Happiness... Unless...

Now that Christmas gift shopping craziness is over and we get a few sober days before the January sales, I decided to reflect a bit on the significance of shopping and spending in our lives. You know, to arm you for January!

January Sales: For people who don't mind stocking up really early for next Christmas.
Photo from Reuters

Have you played SimCity before? In that game, you create cities and assign spaces for industrial, commercial and residential buildings. And you could lose major happiness points from residents if there is an imbalance between the three. That's right, the city people become sad and might even leave if they don't have enough good places to shop. At first, I found that really weird if it's meant to be based on real life tendencies! But that's probably partly because I'm more of a DIY kind of person. I try to make things if I can, instead of buying right away. Unless it takes too much time and effort, or worse, when it's more expensive to buy the materials needed to make them than to just buy them in the store! But then I realised that those commercial spaces probably include not only places to shop for things, but maybe arcades, restaurants, spas, basically consumerist spaces where the Sims can buy not only things, but experiences, too. And science supports the idea that for most people, spending on experiences is the way to get the most happiness from your money.

That being said, I genuinely do enjoy spending money on things. But only if they meet a certain number of requirements that ensure that the act of buying them wouldn't infringe on things I find are more important to me, personally. I find that we are happier when our actions successfully represent our personal ideals, and that encompasses our shopping habits too, as trivial as it may seem!

One of my favorite authors, Gretchen Rubin, wrote in her book The Happiness Project that money can't buy happiness, but it sure influences it a lot. When we are able to put our money where our real interests are, or where we truly believe it is needed, or into things that make us grow as people, or even simply towards things we truly enjoy and use, then money can really help make us happier people.

All that being said, here is the mental list of requirements I usually find myself weighing in my brain whenever I am faced with the option to buy something:

1. Is the value it will add in my life proportional to its price, relative to the current amount of money in my possession?

There are three things there that need consideration there, and in equal amounts.

It's not as simple as just asking myself "is it worth the price?". I need to make sure I'm getting something I want, and to look at how much money I have at my disposal, and not get swayed just because something is cheaper than it usually is! For example, look at this large collection of stylish footwear for women at ZALORA. There is a very thoughtful option at the top to browse discounted items, or to arrange them by price. Use things like that to your advantage by using it to filter things that are outside of your current budget, rather than aimlessly browsing anything that's cheap! The value it adds to your life is as important as how much money you're saving by getting something at a lower price point. Remember that the things we buy stay with us for a long time, and so we need to keep this in mind when we get something on sale. A slightly more expensive shoe that gets a lot of usage and love in its life is a far better buy than a cheap one that doesn't suit any of your clothes or is uncomfortable. Just make sure you won't go broke buying it.

2. Am I going to use it enough to justify the space/effort/maintenance it may require?

There are things that seem like a good idea, until you have to build a shed in your garden to store them. Or until you realise how easily it can be damaged by humidity if you don't keep cleaning twice every other full moon under midnight dew. As much as our consumerist ways as a species makes us believe that we need a separate peeler for a specific vegetable, or five different black dresses for different types of parties, there are very few things we actually need in life, and the rest are mere wants in varying degrees. These degrees vary from person to person, and it's important to know yourself well enough to know when you actually want something enough that you wouldn't randomly stumble upon it a year from now wondering why you forgot about it and which lucky person in your life you could hand it down to. So that they can be the ones abandoning it in a shelf somewhere.

"Now where the hell is that yellow cherry tomato bisector"

3. Do I need to buy it now?

There are things we will eventually need to buy, but not right now. We will run out of toilet paper one day, but we don't need to keep 30 packs of nine at all times. Or, we will need to get a nice dress for our cousin's wedding, but maybe not while he is still 13 years old. There is probably going to be another nice dress to find down the 15-odd year long road. These are severe examples, but just remember to consider timing whenever you feel like splurging on a deal that feels like it's once-in-a-lifetime. There is only so much space in our houses, and when they get cramped, our brains get cramped too. Also, the excitement of acquiring things tend to wear down with time. Best to be able to use things we buy right when we still feel great and excited about them!

And if the answer happens to be yes, then of course, JUST!!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is Shia LaBeouf and he approves of you buying the thing.

This is my personal list, based on my own priorities. Feel free to make your own! Just make sure that you make your money work for you, and not the other way around.

The Inner Lives of Strangers

A picture I took out my window yesterday while the rain was pouring. I snapped it just as this person was walking by and thought it looked a bit like something off of a Ghibli film.

I enjoy people-watching. And I know many other people who enjoy it too. I think it's natural for people to come into a somewhat voyeuristic trance when doing this, and sort of feel detached from their surroundings, as if they are looking into a glass window. It can be fun to be curious, to wonder about where everyone comes from, how they find the weather, who they love, and if they are happy.

But every so often, there is a risk of this detachment turning into something a bit more cynical, and it's as if we are looking into a glass bowl instead, with puny mindless fish inside. We are tempted to fancy our lives and minds more complex and colorful than theirs, simply because of the context we see them in. I come across posts online that on the surface seem to be helpful and insightful, asking for the reader to keep their eyes off their phones, to rush less and enjoy their surroundings, unlike the zombies in the picture with their eyes glued to their phones (non-verbatim of course). Just because everyone around you is rushing around, or doing common things, doesn't mean you are alone among mindless creatures of passive, mundane existence.

I believe there is a danger to painting with very broad brushes when we look at others in their unguarded moments. Any bitter sentiment stemming from feeling like everybody is dull more likely stems from an issue we have to deal with in ourselves, rather than the actual people around us that trigger these feelings. It reflects our own limited perspective, or perhaps imagination, when it comes to the complexity of life outside of our own immediate awareness.

It can be very helpful to approach thinking about the inner lives of strangers with suspended judgement, and more curiosity instead. Helpful not only for the people in question so that we may be kinder to them, but also, and this is true even if we never even interact with them; to our own peace of mind. Because we then feel less loneliness in being our complicated selves, when we realize that there are so many various interesting lives that we are not living, and we can only witness through being open to others when we interact with them. 

3 Simple Ways in Which We: Can Be Kinder To One Another

art: charlavail

Correct People Without Shaming Them - Because we all start ignorant at some point about the things we know today. As much as many things may feel like "common sense", much of these things are common sense through the information spreading and raising awareness, and not because we were born with it from the start. The next time someone says something ignorant, attempt to correct behaviour without shaming them, because antagonistic information is often ignored. It is easier to swallow truth when it feels like it comes from your side, and not a way to attack your personhood. As much as it may be tempting to act high and mighty, we must put ourselves in the other person's shoes, for someday we might come across something we are ignorant about and wish people could be more understanding of us. 

One can see clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.

Cut People Some Slack About How They Look - A lot of meanness can stem from people being too preoccupied about people's appearances. As much as we seem to be hardwired as a species to let appearances influence the way we treat others, human agency obliges us to act above our instincts and to try and be open to seeing the beauty in others beyond what our eyes can see. Some put too much correlation between a person's care in their appearance and their care in the people around them, or even their job. So they might see an unkempt person as apathetic or lazy, and inversely, they might think that people who are well-dressed and well-kept are superficial. The problem does not lie in what society prefers between the two, but rather in its tendency to make appearances be evidence of what a person is like, when the only thing that sets well-dressed people apart from other people is their active interest in dressing well. This also applies to elements in our appearance that are out of our control - our weight, our complexion, our height, our disposition and natural inclination to smile or frown, and whatever else. We must try and see beyond what our eyes can see and therefore give ourselves a chance to interact with others deeply.

Refrain from being mean to people based on what little you know about them; even (or especially) people you think you know well. - All of us have inner struggles we wish other people would take into account when interacting with us in a way we are uncomfortable with. The world would be better off if we all tried to remember that when we deal with others. Sometimes the harsh criticism we throw at people's faces because we think they deserve it could just be the last straw that makes them break down, because they have been dealing with something we knew nothing about.

It's easy to apply this to interactions with people we barely know, because there is less incentive for us to devote so much energy in pulling them apart. In our close relationships however, we assume we know a lot about our loved ones, so we might feel like we are in a good position to be a judge. But this is where a lot is at stake. We can deeply wound people we are close to, and like it or not, there are still some things that we will not know about them simply because we are not them. In fact, they might already be self aware and trying to be better, in which case, the best thing we can offer is emotional support. So it is safe to assume that we need to be kind, even when we criticise for what we feel is a good reason. Throw unnecessary meanness out the window, because when we are able to guide people towards what's best for them without breaking their spirit, then we build trust, instead of a wall of defensiveness.

There will be times where we will have to criticise and fight in order to stand up for a common good-for bigger things, for our countries, the world, the galaxy, THE UNIVERSE?!?!?!!?!
...But in dealing with the people we have in our lives, we can really use trying to be more caring and foster a cooperative, nurturing environment so that when that time comes, we can come together easier. When we are kind, it becomes easier to educate each other, inform each other, care for one another, and come together for common goals that benefit everyone. This is really the simplest, easiest golden rule to live by. It's so simple that it sounds silly, but I think that's part of the point:

Friends and FOMO: Let Live Does Not Mean Let Go

FO·MO

ˈfōmō/

noun

informal

1. anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on a social media website.

I've always thought I was a victim of FOMO. A fear of missing out. I think about it whenever I feel my face get red from the shame of feeling like an obsessive ex-boyfriend when I see pictures of my friends hanging out with other people on my feed. It makes me feel like I'm stalking their lives, which is silly, because the whole point to a news feed is that the information is fed to you. I didn't exactly seek it out!

Well, okay, I actually make a point to visit their profiles every now and then to check on them. Which is sometimes a futile act because the reason I feel this need is due to unanswered private messages, which are probably unanswered because they were offline in the first place. And I'm pretty sure I'm the one who is online the most among all of us. I'm the one who's online the most, and goes out the least. So yeah, as you can see, it's a recipe for disaster.

But recently I tried to look into what I truly do feel, and I realised that I don't actually have FOMO, per se.

I don't fear that I'm missing out on a good time; I fear that I'm missing out on their lives. I fear that they don't want me in them anymore.

I'm being clingy. 

We are all individual people with complex lives. The beauty of friendship is that you choose to be friends. You don't own your friends. You don't belong to your friends.  You are not forced to be together by some external force like work or being neighbors (although many good friendships can start that way). But you choose to interact in a deep way anyway. As individual people.

So I told myself, and now I guess I'm telling anyone who needs to hear it: It's not all or nothing. They say we should only keep those who always make an effort, but there are times where our friends are the ones who make an effort and it's us who don't notice. So when we feel like they're being absent a bit, we must take a step back and realize that sometimes, a friendship needs distance for the individuals to roam around and have some stories to return with. Sometimes, people just need to put other things first, or just finds a different person really cool to hang out with right now, and that doesn't mean you don't matter. And at times, the best thing we can do to maintain the great friendships in our lives is to let our friends bloom into the people they're meant to become. To offer support and to be there for them when we are needed, but ultimately, to wish them the best (and sometimes help them get the best!)

Of course, I am not including toxic friendships here, I hope you already know that! Some people are just bad for us. But for the people who are good for us but we keep missing chances to be with, we must stop ourselves from feeling abandoned by them. Let live. No need to let go!

This is not to say of course that we should give up on trying to be in their lives more frequently (I sure as hell am not done trying! We'll make this work guys!) but that when things don't work out, we don't need to feel discouraged about the value of our friendships. In fact, when our friends live rich and colorful lives outside the scope of our friendship, we also expand as people through seeing the world through their stories from when they were apart from us! Hanging out less doesn't have to mean falling apart. Sometimes, pursuing other things can decrease the quantity but increase the quality of our conversations.

So yep, after thinking of all that, I hope that like me, your FOMO has been replaced with excitement instead about the next time you get to sit beside each other and talk about ALL THE THINGS!

♥

Five Friday Favorites

Here are some recently acquired/crafted/appreciated things that puts a smile to my face / have been making my life better. For good vibes, cos it's Friday!

Pretty Journals

I've been on the lookout for a journal for a while now and I recently found this really cute one; a simple watercolor woosh-y washy design with purple detail. I know I wanted it to be in the purple/blue color scheme to be calming because I intended to write on it before bed. Of course, I just write on it whenever in reality :D The floral one is a notebook where Beardy and I just write letters to each other. It's meant to evoke the feelings from when receiving letters from each other was the only way we could communicate. I don't know, it's kinda romantic. :)

Tin Lid Magnet Mount

I really felt bad when I didn't have a use for these lids. There are four tins and I used just one lid and stacked the other three under so these were left without a purpose! Until I got the idea to stick them onto this blank space on my wall because I was desperate for a way to use some cute magnets I got. And now the blank space is used! I like sticking stuff on it like paintings and stuff :)

Water Heater

This plug-and-heat thingy is a lifesaver. We've been having water pressure problems, and water doesn't eat in our room when there's not enough pressure. And if you know Beardy well you'd know that he can't bathe if the water isn't hot. This heats water SUPER FAST. It's so awesome! Just plug and drop it!

My Most Favorite Owl Mug

I have two of these but this one keeps the contents cool faaaar longer than the other one. I think it's that thick double wall. We have been looking for a twin so that we can both have one to keep water in the room, but we haven't found one that's as cute at this one :)

 WiFi Extender!!

Okay, this has been here for a while. We get bad WiFi reception from the router downstairs so Emmy had the brilliant idea to get an extender! Now I can use the internet anywhere in my room! You don't understand! I used to have to stay near the door to use the internet or just keep lugging my laptop up and down the stairs to get stable internet everyday. This just makes life so much better.

Taking time to appreciate the small things has really made me happier overall. Try it! Just focus on the little things that make life better, stare at pretty things more, and don't be ashamed that they are little things. If they make you happy, then that makes them great!

Fate·a·li·ty

Just a warning, I will say the word "fate" here at least 1/10 times as much as it was said in this ^ movie.

I used to romanticise a few things that I find silly now: Unrequited Love, my future that I believed was "destined" for me, my fate in general.

I fancied myself a martyr for love, and I guess deep inside I was holding out for fate, believing it was destiny I sensed that caused my obsessions for those innocent bystanders that I happen to ordain with my affection from afar.

Of course it was not, and instead it was me choosing them, I didn't know I was, but I chose them while simultaneously holding on to the belief that I wasn't choosing them; that fate chose them for me somehow, and thus my obsession lingered and festered and ate me from inside.

I fancied myself special, someone inherently "meant to succeed", who cannot possibly fail, someone who'd find their way handed to them even if they just sit idly by, because people will recognise whatever value they had within them.

Of course this wasn't the case, and I soon found that I had to actively Show Up, Get Inspired, Have Ideas, Create Things, and Show My Work in order to be of value to anyone. I will not always be able to rely on people assigning things for me to create. Life as a creator means finding the needs myself, and filling up the spaces I find; a skill I'm still trying hard to learn to this day.

Life does not choose. Life is a book where our stories are written as they happen. Fate on the other hand, is like an imaginary book where things that have not happened are already written and fixed. How do we find out our fate? We can't. It cannot actually exist outside of the present moment and the moments that have already passed. Fate is a concept we pick up in our deck of psychological ways to cope when we want to be sure of things, or contented with what is there. It is something we sometimes use to soothe ourselves of our own responsibility in how our lives turn out. That's the difference between saying "Whatever happens is meant to be." and saying, rather that "Whatever happens, happens." The first one assumes that there's something else that is in charge. The second one does not imply anything, just that what is, is. In taking life as it is, we are closer to truth, and we can more easily access how to deal with this truth.

When they say "You make your own destiny", that means there is no path to find. You are dealt with a set of random cards time and again, and for every round, you choose. You can either choose carefully, knowingly, choosing as your heart desires, or you can play the whole game thinking the book of fate tells you all the answers, leaving you to second guess your choices endlessly.

Here are the facts:

1. You can't control everything.
2. Neither can anybody else.
3. But everyone can control something. No matter how it looks, you have ways available to you right now to at least steer towards the right direction.

And sometimes, that is all you need to do good in this world.

Inside Out and how Empathy lets Joy "Grow Up" (and its parallelisms with Hector and the Search for Happiness)

*slight spoiler warning*

Inside Out reminds me of Hector and the Search for Happiness.

In this film, Simon Pegg's character Hector starts out pretty unhappy even though he is quite well off. He feels very meh about his very comfortable, "tidy" life. He is a psychiatrist and he listens to his clients' stories with emotional detachment. He tries to find meaning in his life and goes traveling, being the privileged individual who can afford it that he is.

I highly recommend this film for good vibes, by the way.

There is a moment in this film that keeps coming back to Hector, when he finds himself under Tibetan prayer flags, and he hears a voice saying that it takes all of the different colors. It takes all colors.

In Inside Out, this concept is illustrated through the five emotions in Riley's head. At first, it seems as though Joy is the only positive, functional emotion. I'll try not to spoil Hector, but at the end of both movies, the lesson is clear: processing, or working with the other seemingly negative emotions is the way to sustain Joy's functionality. We should not suppress "negative" things, but deal with them and let them allow us to empathise with each other, so that happiness can have meaning. 

As children, for us who are privileged enough in terms of where we live, our world is kept small and simple. At this stage, it is easy and natural for Joy to be the only emotion we come across often. But as we grow up, our world becomes bigger. We are made to deal with a lot of uncomfortable changes in our own lives, and we see the state of the rest of humanity. We also hopefully start to understand other people better, and we are pressured more to take other peoples' feelings into account. A lot of people cannot choose to live without these negative feelings as a result of their life's circumstances, or mental/psychological capabilities, or the experiences they've had.

Even though Inside Out and Hector demonstrate the same concept in very different life stages, both stories put Joy in charge, and allow her to work with the others. Joy is in charge, because it motivates us to keep going on so that we can make things better.

 Both stories attempt to teach the lesson that a meaningful life, one we can be happy to look back on, requires us to be open to all emotions and not suppress pain and discomfort when they come. Processing and going through all of them together, "all the colors", and not clinging too much to joy and comfort so much that it loses all meaning. 

Joy in itself is a dead end, if we don't put it in context with the other emotions. We need to use joy to propel us to ease each others' pain, and our own.. But only after we open our eyes and hearts to find out where that pain is.

Movie Rating: 4 STARS. Really cool, but makes me really want a sequel to feel like it's enough.

It's Hard to Write When I'm Happy

This is a brilliant piece by Sarah Kay that freakin' spoke to me. Or rather, more accurately, felt like I ...spoke it. I found it unbelievable how true it was for me. Mostly because it was literally the first thing I clicked on random when I decided to check more of her stuff out.

Lately, especially since the recent literary trend of "hugot" became popular (which is a filipino word for pulling something out from somewhere) in the local scene, I've been feeling out of place as a writer. It is where you basically express bitterness and hurt from your own life (usually lovelife) through innocuous posts that look like general advice or insight at first glance. Kind of like subtweeting, but you're subtweeting your own life.

When I was younger, all of my work came from a place of hugot. Seems that the more hurt I was, the easier it was to squeeze out some songs and poems and whatnot. Out of necessity, if you will. They made me feel saner and gave a sense of purpose for the mental turmoil.

I watched this performance and it came together in my head. For better and for worse, I've grown into a state of mind that this form of art no longer is a necessity that my mental peace depends upon.

Writing has been a way for me to pick my own head and emotions apart, to process reality and also the less-real monsters that only exist in my head. I used to have to do all that on my own, but now it's as if Beardy has become a constant sounding board and confidant. I definitely don't believe that I feel less things and therefore write less things. In fact, I feel more things now. It's easier for me to cry now, and easier to laugh. It's like that age-old adage that says that the more room you make in your heart for sadness, the more room it also has for happiness and love. Or something like that anyway.

In fact it was with Beardy that I first shared this realisation. I showed him the video and told him it's what's been going on with me. At first he was like, wow that was really nice and well-written. Then after a beat.. Wait, how do you relate to it?

And I said (and please excuse the nauseating cheesiness of language, because I'm pretty straightforward with him with my feelons):

"like hurt and anger and dejection fueled my writing
but i found peace and comfort in you
and often feel glazed [i meant like drunken-like smiling here, im now aware that it's not what glazed eyes signify, haha] and writing has stopped being a primal need
there's no emotional scab to pick at anymore"

And that last line felt insightful to me in a way that I used to feel about my writings and I realised that I still use my words in that kind of heart-baring, fizzy-head causing way. But I don't write it in blogs and notebooks much, going around and around in circles replaying things in my head, burning holes through memories until all that's left are the blackened and incomplete ugly parts and burnt fingers. Instead I do it with him, and my friends, and alone, in my own head. But unlike before, I don't overthink my emotions as much and it's lead me to become a more stable person.

Instead, I've been more likely to stay silent and think about things as they are, or better yet, to just... try and experience and know life as it is right now. Where am I right now? Who am I? What's the next step? What should I do? How much am I enjoying this? How can I express my love more? It's still imperfect, and still involves too much time in my head as opposed to just being, which is the ultimate goal, but it's a step closer.

In thinking about this I also got reminded of a poem I wrote about Beardy a few years back, upon observing that even though my usual "move" when I get infatuated with someone was to write them songs, I actually just end up drawing him. (I've written maybe a couple songs for him, but nothing that stuck and I honestly can't remember them! I think I'm really aging, or just not as impressed by my own work anymore as to remember every single thing I make.)

i sketched this while watching him sleep on Skype. i called it Chasing You While You Sleep. STAP JUDGING MEEEEEEE~

I loved all of them with words

I sang to their shapes in my memory foam head

I wrote stories around the ghosts they left

But you, I like to draw you instead.

Loving you is silent.

Tracing your forehead, your chin and your nose

No need for composing melodic weeping

True love doesn’t dream, it knows. 

[13.10.2012]

I can feel you cringing all the way from here. Are you done? Good.

Moving on. even though it's mostly been a positive experience ending up this way, I would still like to eventually find a way to not need to have writing be a thing that I absolutely must do to not be sad. That would make sadness a prerequisite. I would like to write to write, because I think it's the core practice that brings my interests together, and it's the thing that can express the meaning behind all the other things that I do that don't have writing as an element. I feel that I've lived too long using it as a way to just be okay because I wasn't, and I'd like to elevate my experience in a way that I strive for more than that in a more automatic way. I want working harder and creative more frequently to be part of my nature again, even though it's not needed in an urgent, grasping way. I don't want to live mostly on autopilot anymore. And I have been trying lately, and yet the results seem very small.

But that's the thing that makes being present really helpful to me right now. Instead of focusing on that fact, I am able to let myself experience the journey itself and accept it when it is slow and difficult and frustrating, and keep at it anyway.

After all, it's not like I have anything better to do!

Happiness on Purpose

When's the last time you did something just to make yourself happy? 

And I don't mean comfortable, or relaxed, as how we would often describe habits we have just become accustomed to. They don't really make us happy so much as they just are the easiest thing to do.

When was the last time you went out of your way to make yourself happy?

Seems counter-intuitive, right? Why would I have to "get out of my way" to be happy? Doesn't getting out of my way mean doing something I don't really want to do?

I've eventually found the answer to this to be: "Not really silly billy."

Most people settle into habits as they grow older - not necessarily a working routine, especially if they are more on the lazy side of the spectrum, like me. More like autopilot behaviours that you sort of just find yourself falling into as a usual response to a type of daily trigger. Lately, I've been trying to take in charge more of my time. I'm trying to go out of my way to do things I know will make me happier for longer than things that feel like just scratching a random itch on my butt. Sudden relief, but does not add much to life.

For example, I have a collection of games on my laptop that I find myself mindlessly clicking on whenever I feel uneasy or stressed by a wave of thoughtsicles. Like right now, while I'm writing this, whenever I hit a mental block or find a phrase that needs a bit of thinking for me to word it in a way that isn't awkward, I keep running to my games for comfort or stress-relief. And even though that calms me, it keeps me from finishing what I'm writing, which is ultimately what would make me happier in the long run.

scene of the crime. i loik borgors.

Writing is something I do completely out of love. It doesn't give me anything that would provide me a sense of urgency should I be behind with work. And I'm not sure if it's because of that or in spite of that, that it gives me more long-term happiness than instantly gratifying things like entertainment or food. If I get to bring myself to do it, that is. So I've been trying to take it more seriously now.

But it's not just productive things like writing that I've been trying; even pointless things that can seem like they would bring about a happiness that resembles the urge-relief type of gratification, but are actually better for the mind and soul because of them being a new experience, or because they awaken and engage the senses instead of dulling them (like computer games can), or because they can be meditative and conducive to productive thought. My own examples are trying to progress on the really hard third level of my puzzle (still unfinished hoho), pushing myself to draw or paint when even the tiniest urge flutters and lands on my shoulder, and things like that.

Still not finished after employing the help of Emmy and Anne who are veterans haha jk. kinda

I guess that's what following your heart really means. I somehow subconsciously held the idea that following your heart applies strictly to scenarios that happen within something like a dance movie setting - "My parents want me to be a doctor.. But all I wanna do is DANCE!"- a particular individual feeling intensely passionate about one thing and the outside world trying to pull them towards the opposite direction of that thing, but them sprinting towards the thing they love anyway. I've always been a bit scattered about what I really want in the first place, so I never really felt that "follow your heart" resonates with me. It just sounded like a cliché that never applied to me personally, even though I'm a creative type. I'm slowly finding out that it can apply to me, but instead of it being about a huge lifelong dream or occupation, it's about the little things I do everyday that might, all together, lead me closer and closer to feeling like I'm living the life I want to live.

It's saving up for a Lush sale, obsessing about the bath bombs all December but waiting 'till the January sales to buy anything so they can be half-off:

...which makes me feel like it's something I waited patiently for and finally have (for half the price!). Even though they're just something I bought out of the shop, it's a delayed type of gratification, which ended up being a really fulfilling type of gratification because I took time to know and really let myself desire them, to know what's good about them,  to know what to expect, and to know what to pay attention to in particular when I do use them. To be fully engaged in something as simple as a bath, having my senses soak in and be fully engaged in experiencing the delicious smell and the matching music I played (Sigur Rós, duh).

Yes I did break up the bath bomb. Don't judge! I just want the magic to last ~

Or receiving a Christmas card from a dear friend (Hello Abby my liddol cherub) through snail mail (and boy does it live up to its post-internet name: took two months to arrive!), finding pretty golden stars and glitter inside and having an impromptu photo shoot with them starring my other hand, because apart from potentially putting glitter in my camera, why not?

Leo constellation :D I'll show you the rest of these soon :)

These things, due to years of hardwiring automatic procrastination into my system, didn't exactly feel super easy for me to do. At times, especially while writing, I actually experience moments of eustress or micro panic episodes that come with the experience of preparing, starting, creating,  or finishing anything. But they give me happiness - the kind that makes me hate myself less when I'm down, and lets me be excited again about life.

What I'd like for anyone to take from my experiences (should they want to) is simple: Try to get out of your way to be happy. Or better yet, get out of your own way. As in, stop deterring yourself. You might find it easier to do than I am, because I'm no expert, but here are things that can make it easier:

1) Don't try to do so much at a time. We can only realistically make a limited number of decisions per day without losing our willpower. You may feel like overhauling your whole life from this point and that's alright, but try not to micro-manage every single detail and daily task or you'll lose track. Make enough effort to make it mean something, but not too much effort that it ends up overwhelming you.

2) Keep it simple. Don't overthink it. If no idea for a happiness-causing activity comes to you, don't force it. Maybe wander around a bit, let it come to you. Don't let a lack of intensity of an idea keep you from pursuing things, either. Try to go with an impulse, even if it seems like a small thing. Find something pretty to look at? Grab your camera and document it. Find a nice recipe for a sure-hit dessert? Maybe buy the ingredients and make it on the weekend. Little things done with joy make a happy life.

3) Respect your individuality. Try to get to know yourself well and sincerely think of what kind of things will make you happy. You may look for inspiration from others, but there's a line between being encouraged by others to do something you really enjoy and being a plain old copycat. But don't stop doing something you're interested in just because it's difficult at the start. Just because it has stressful parts doesn't necessarily mean it's not for you. Just because it doesn't feel natural right now, it doesn't mean it can't be your thing. All that matters is you're going after what you want to be doing.

My hope is that I find the grace and willpower in me enough to keep on pursuing the things I love. It seems like it should be so simple, but sometimes life just happens and teaches you things you find you need to unlearn. I'm trying that thing where I'd rather make mistakes than not try at all. I'm glad to report that for the first time in my life, I can imagine myself being happy with just trying my hand at fully embracing my creative interests, even if I don't succeed at them in the typical sense. They make me happy, and if I'm not happy, did I really succeed?

Be kind to happy people too

“It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton.

I have to admit that I used to be one of those people who shy away from enthusiasm. I feared it would make me look dumb. I didn't realize the power of enthusiasm until I decided I want to be happy and enthusiastic and just did it, and saw the effects.

It made people ease up around me. It made people feel welcome. Best of all, it made people feel enthusiastic about the same goals.

That being said, there are downsides. When people are in a good mood, people around them immediately assume that it's because they have it good. It's not a person's first instinct to assume that a person WORKS to achieve happiness, they assume that the person is happy as an effect of good things happening in their life without any effort on their part.

When you communicate that you have it better, intentionally or not, you subsequently assert power over them, like stated in this Cracked article. And that makes people want to assert their power, to soothe their ego.

Unhappiness is also way to assert power because

1. people who are critical tend to be perceived as more discerning and smart
2. when you don't ride someone's flow, someone's enthusiasm, it's like saying "you don't have power over me", regardless of what the end point is to you cooperating with their goals. (PROTIP: cooperating towards a single goal yields better results for everyone)
3. to say you are unhappy is a way to tell people they have to cut you some slack, to take it easy on you.

Only, unhappiness is easier to maintain than happiness. Happy people are normally treated like shit because they are perceived as shallow, dumb, and bereft of substance. Therefore, a lot of times, being happy is a huge social risk, and intentionally choosing it is actually very brave, for someone who naturally isn't this way.

This is the fear I found is attached to the fear I keep encountering in trying to make this project I have for Valentines work. I feel silly having to act enthusiastic about my own product. I feel stupid having to promote my own creations. I feel dumb having to promote myself.

I exposed too easily. I'm an introvert and need to be on my own a lot. It's easier for me to talk about ideas, and at most my discernment of them than to paint a very detailed picture about my life and experiences everyday, as you can maybe sniff out from this blog of mine. I just often can't risk exposing myself.. I don't like feeling like people are picking me apart.

But I want to believe that that's how everyone feels when they put themselves out there. Every artist feels this way when they paint, draw, write, etc something. It's something we all have to eventually face. And even though I was a very exposed person in higschool, I have to go through the process of opening up again, because I've changed a lot from that time, and my goals and missions are very different.

And choosing to be happy is a way of choosing to put one's self "out there"... You're choosing to expose your happiness, allowing other people to put you down for it. And it's not dumb as it may seem. You need to wrestle with a lot of challenging mental exercises in knowing how to deal with people effectively and kindly.

So if you reader, if you're someone like this, if you're one of the happy ones, and if you're struggling because of it, I want to tell you that I appreciate what you are doing. I want you to know that there are people who understand how hard it is. And I hope you don't let people bring you down. Stay happy. Stay strong. Surround yourself with supportive people and support people like you. We need more people like you in this planet.

passionate... on purpose.

A huge bulk of my personal journey into adulthood has relied on the realization that many things we take for granted as involuntary states ofbeing are alterable with the use of some vigilance and willingness to change.

Vigilance, because like many bad habits or mental/psychological diseases that work on the subconscious level, a negative mindset or auto-complacency is not usually a state of mind we acquire on purpose. Because of this, they swoop from under the radar to bite all of us in the booty. 

a good trick to employ in catching these creepy nega crawlies is to let your feelings be your guide! Let feeling bad for no immediate reason be your personal alarm to knowing that you're spinning some bad, old mental record in your brainplayer. pause it, take it out, replace it with a new, positively helpful record. it will likely crawl back to push the new record off the player to play itself when you're not looking, but then your feelings will alert you eventually and you'll throw it out again. repeat cycle until record is too scratched and beat-up that it can't even crawl back or play its noise anymore. ;)

Willingness to change, because nothing's going to happen if you're happy just being where you are even with what you're seeing. In which case, to each his own! I just personally am not content with some things, so I try to change. I figured I just didn't want to feel like shit and do nothing about it. Luckily, just doing something feels better than doing nothing, I've found. So there's that!

And of course the final ingredient: my affinity for devising methods to trick myself into doing things, no matter how hard it is to stay on the horse... of things... (I.. might have just invented an idiom there, nobody really says that do they?)

I've gotten much better at being happier on purpose, and next on the list (what list? there's no list! i just go as i feel) is being passionate on purpose. 

I guess this still delves into the realm of happiness. If I would attempt to describe what happiness is to me, it's being amused, excited and content. The practice I've had now allows me to kind of summon feelings of happiness when I want to easier. That is, finding beauty in things, feeling content with moments instead of overanalysing...

I guess the difference is that passion has the power to give me long-term happiness. What I've practiced, and have been better with is the kind of happiness that is instant. Passion allows me to create, and creating things leaves me more content for longer.

I plan to do this by seeking out inspiring things daily, purposely looking for things that make me want to go on.

“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.”

                                                                                                              -Zig Ziglar

I've been trying to consume media that particularly serves this purpose. I find that following artists on tumblr is a good way to do this. I guess it also helps that I'm somehow just in the mood for it. But I'm somehow doubting that even moods are all that arbitrary.. I mean, I've been on this journey for years... Maybe the new record has started playing itself on its own.