Starting Where You Are

There are many ways to do the right things. Many means to go about accomplishing a certain end. When we seek for help in accomplishing our goals, or in creating a more favorable situation for ourselves, we are faced with a million choices when it comes to  H O W  T O  G E T  T H E R E.

"There" usually being:

• better health
• better living situation
• a more fulfilling career path

Et cetera. There could be a thousand versions of even this list if we're being honest, but here let's just call them General Things to be Better at. That doesn't really work. How about Betterment Goals. I don't like how that sounds either. But this illustrates my point. Words can fail. 

The main focus of whatever journey you take on in getting yourself somewhere better in life, in whatever form "Being Better" would manifest in your imagination, should be 

W H E R E V E R  Y O U  A R E.

 R I G H T  H E R E

R I G H T  N O W.

And this is why many self-betterment guides would start with you listing your own answers to their questions. And yes, I am not here to discount you searching for those guides. In fact, depending on your personality, it might be better to look for more than one "guru" or whatever you want to call it, so that you can curate whatever resonates in your life in particular from many different sources, and make the roadmap you eventually follow your very own.

We like learning from others because we like information already processed and laid out for us to take in. This is easier than having to start from scratch, scrambling to find crumbs that will lead us to the bread, trying to find all the ingredients on our own. This is why we have grocery stores. I think I need to eat soon. I'm getting a little sidetracked.

Anyway, this is not a bad thing. This really does help. What I want to emphasize though, is that we should not be so naive and think that betterment ends in that learning. We take many things in. We make it our own. We share how we made it our own. Maybe more people will find it resonate better. They will take some of it in, just like how we took from others. Then they will make it their own.

Words do not contain the entirety of meaning. Other people can not provide the secrets to your success. Something has to come from you.

And yes, a lot of it relies on luck. But your luck improves when you improve your striving in finding these answers.

So, let me ask you a bunch of questions:

1. Outlook: Do you think you have a positive one? When you think about your day upon waking up in the morning, how do you feel? What causes anxiety in you? What causes joy? Do you notice yourself feeling one more often than the other? Why do you think so? Are you okay with that? (Like I wake up meh most mornings, but I'm cool with it. I think it's just how I am and it's fine) And if you're not, is there anything within your power that you can change?
2. The Good: What's already working out? This is important. What do you like that you don't really want to change in yourself, your living situation, your habits? You don't have to change everything. Maybe you don't even have to change very much. Honestly you don't even have to change at all. Let's be real. Your life your rules.
3. The Bad: But if there are things that aren't working out, maybe take some time to look at them. There are things that don't work out that are too uncomfortable to even acknowledge so we fail to realize that there's something there that we can actually control. But then there are things that we feel we have no power over. For those things, is it possible to tell someone? "Misery loves company" and this isn't just a sadistic urge that humans have for no reason. When we find others with the same problems, we are able to pick each other's brains about possible solutions. There's another one, "Two heads are better than one". Maybe there's something you're not seeing that someone's who's gone through the same thing knows about. That was a long painful sentence to read and I apologize.
4. The Ugly: Let me just talk about that word, Ugly. It has a bad rep. But I love it. I'm part of the niche crowd that uses it with a sense of endearment. Much of my hang-ups in life, I solved by changing my relationship with Ugly. More than my sense of self-worth ceasing to depend on my outward appearance, I see ugly as a sign of progress. Ugly is something that's on its way towards becoming. It's finding one's way. It's not incomplete, it's just in the process, and that's what life is. It's only complete when it ends. And So I Therefore Conclude: Ugliness and Beauty is like Life and Death. Polar opposites that are unalienable from each other. Just like.. well, poles. 

          So. In your life, what's being completed? What's in the middle of the process; something you started but haven't finished? Something you like but isn't "quite there yet"? And maybe, how do we look at it differently? As you being a Real Live Person, in the middle of figuring things out?

So there are questions for today. Maybe we ask them every now and then. This can be a model we use everyday when we meditate in the morning, or this could be just a one time thing. It's a dish I've made from ingredients I've taken from different sources that I have now served to you. Maybe you take something out from it, or maybe you just eat and run, and burn off all of the energy. But that's your process. Make it yours. As for me, I'm done with this one, and hoping to make more in the future.

Now, lunch.

Sitting Duck (poem)

living in a cage called Psychological Time

I run away from a familiar feeling:

anxious heartbeats, sounding inside

like footsteps behind me, running.

knitting lists from an unraveling mind

until all they are are identical rows

meaningless squiggles, constant warnings

of failures only the future knows

clearing out big spaces of time

to let the work catch up on crutches

brain jumping onto parallel planes

the clock doesn't stop, but watches.

waking up near the bottom of the lake

after dreaming about struggling on the surface

a desperate hope for diamonds to form

from the chances that slipped into the furnace

💫2016: slow, subtle, steady af.✨ (my 2016 year review using pages from The Giving Journal)

Now, I know, I know... When it comes to the state of the world, "slow, subtle, steady af" is nowhere near applicable for describing the year that was. It was a rough ride. But looking at it through a more personal, introspective set of eyes, that was how my personal development in life was like this past year.
I used a CBTL Giving Journal in 2016 and it had these cutesy pages that I had fun filling out, and now that it's 2017 I'm using them to get a feel of my progress, to remember where I was at at the start:

Late in 2015, subject to numerous tiring bus rides, I had a lot of time to think of a way to picture how I wanted 2016 to go. What steps I wanted to take. That was when I got the inspiration to imagine my life as a flower:

I imagined:

1. that in the first quarter, I'd be preparing a good foundation for myself through good health and a saner state of mind (the roots of the plant, but i called it seeds for the sake of the pattern -.-).
2. In the second quarter, I'd be aiming for better structure, and an upwards movement kinda feel through a stable job and habits that I hoped would be automated thereafter (stalks),
3. the third quarter was going to be when my efforts in making regular output were going to be refined and focused into the channels where I'd find myself gravitating more towards, so that
4. in the fourth quarter, after concentrating my energy on those, I'd acquire the blooms, or in other words, I was going to have everything I do "pay off" in the end.

Of course that didn't go exactly as planned. I unexpectedly found a real life job I actually liked going to, and so that occupied me. That being said, I still managed to make it halfway through the flower thing. I felt healthier because I was more active and slept better, my work makes me feel involved and improved me in aspects I wanted to improve on. I was just really ready for feeling rooted and stable, I guess. But in my opinion, I didn't get to do much of gearing towards personal projects, and I think that's vital for me to feel truly balanced.

BUT if I may, past Bea, there's something I'd like to change in that whole flowchart/metaphor thingy you got there:

I think the fourth one was a bit too focused on receiving things, like I needed success to be guaranteed. Blooms shouldn't be about things that are not in my hands, methinks. It should just be about me being able to look back into what I worked on and feel like I finished things I started. But I still like the part where I say something to the effect of "to know how to introduce myself to strangers." I think blooming should also be about getting a better sense of my identity through things I've done, so that's staying.

So I only made it to the halfway point of the marathon, but I'm still much better off from where I'm started, so I'm really happy! Aim for the stars, make it to the moon, I guess.

That being said, "my 2016 life mantra" in the CBTL Giving Journal guided me quite well:

I grew in so much ease (I guess it pays off to take things slow), much more ease than I thought was possible. And indeed, it was through being kinder to myself (and others - tension arises when we assume the worst of people who hurt us, and love blooms when we give them a chance)...

So! Good improvements:

• I've been taking on more things than I'm used to for work, and I'm staying afloat! It's done my confidence a lot of good. I used to think I had no perseverance. But I'm learning that I just need people around me sometimes, and that accountability works on me.
• Managing that by finally, finally being able to naturally apply the "one thing at a time" thing that I've always been trying to learn how to do (I say this time and time again - it's one thing to know something, and another thing to apply. Think of that the next time you nag someone or yourself.). I can actually stop worrying once I decide that it's not time for it yet; such a big relief!
• Being more open about my flaws, being able to dissect my own behaviour and change. A lot of people are good at seeing other people's flaws, but it takes a certain level of perseverance to see your own flaws and not be defensive about them. I've always admired people who can do that and in turn create wonderful things with that self-awareness, and I feel like I'm slowly getting there. Makes me happy. (And relieved!) It also allows me to get closer to people easier.
• I'm getting a little better at hushing that negative voice in my brain! Sure, I look crazy at times because sometimes I tell it to stop out loud, but hey, whatever works, right?
• I sleep at night and wake up in the morning regularly now. It's kind of a huge deal.
• I can moderately extrovert a bit more than before. Still wrecks me with anxiety from time to time, especially when I have a lot on my plate, but I'm managing!

And here are the things that need improvement:

• WRITE THINGS DOWN AND DON'T LOSE THEM AND ACTUALLY READ THEM AGAIN PLEASE?! So many missed opportunities for blog posts and fiction and whatnot.
• Speaking my mind about a risky thing without getting scared/shaking/feeling like my throat is full of ice
• Working on personal projects for real this time outside of work
• More balance between trusting myself and honing the mindset that allows me to feel accountable enough to meet that trust
• I'd also like if there was less automatic negative self-talk to hush in the first place
• More physical activity!!!

Goodbye, 2016. Was nice knowing you!

Hey Questioner Artists! Perfect is the Enemy of Good: When Self-Doubt & Perfectionism get in the way of Creating

If you read back in my blog even a little bit, you'd notice many times where I allude to writing more from then on and then stopping after a couple weeks of doing so.

I get cold feet when I start writing, and I'm always trying to fight against it but it seems that I always know the perfect thing to say to stop myself from making progress:

The information is probably going to be inaccurate. I'll miss some important detail and fail to get my point across. Why bother?

Oh it's a sensitive issue, I don't want to offend anybody.

There is no way anybody's going to find this interesting enough to read.

I'm pretty sure I've said this before in one way or another. It's too redundant.

I don't know what to write right now so instead of staying on the page to figure that out I'll go and watch/read something to occupy that void I feel that could really only be filled by me writing and not this thing I'm about to watch/read.

I'm not in the zone just yet so I'm going to passively wait for the zone to come to me while distracting myself from the zone instead of staying in this blank page a.k.a. just putting myself in the zone like seriously it's so simple why do I keep doing this....

I've been catching up on Gretchen Rubin's Happier podcast because I finally stumbled on a note I wrote a while ago (I'm really bad at actually reading my notes-to-self as much as I keep writing new ones) to watch out for her episode on Questioners - the type I identify with within her Four Tendencies framework, which attempts to categorize people based on how they respond to things they are expected to do. Here is the basic summary of it on her site:

• Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations
• Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations
• Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves
• Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike

For a while I started doubting if I was indeed a Questioner and not a Rebel instead, because I seem to keep failing to follow my own expectations even after I've convinced myself about why I'm doing them the first time (read: previous parenthesis!). I sleep, wake up, then poof! My mood is the captain of the ship again.

But now I realise that it's not because I want to be disobedient to myself, or that I want to be in charge of each moment as they come - it's because for some strange reason, I somehow lose touch of my reasoning very easily in the face of more immediate concerns, often fear and anxiety. Honestly, I'm hoping it's just a case of me having established bad habits so strongly that it's hard to start new ones without having a strong external reset signal for them, like a renovation, a new house, a near-death experience (please don't let it get to that Bea!) ?!?!

Anyway, the conclusion that seems to make sense to my questioning self after having listened to the podcast is that I can combat these unhelpful rationalizations with some helpful ones! Here are some I've compiled:

1. When speaking about something I care about and I'm doubting the thoroughness and carefulness of my work- This whole thing does not rely on me, I am just one person speaking their mind who might touch just a couple of others. Inaccuracies, or left-out sentiments are just an edit or a comment away should they arise.
2. When I irrationally fear a backlash in spite of not having enough readers for that to happen anyway- It's highly unlikely, and if it even happens, that's a good thing! That means you have readers who are engaged enough to respond. And you can always respond back, and you've grown in such a way where you are able to argue amicably. Use that skill, trust it, develop it! Use it or lose it! That's the point of social media anyway.
3. When I am tempted to forgo talking about my own very messy experiences, and attempt to just relay good advice instead of talking about my own journey - Being honest and genuine is more important than being correct, because there are a lot of people far more qualified to speak to specialized information than me. That's not my job here. My job here is to be me and to speak about what I experience, and yes I can sprinkle my theories here and there, but I have to show my flaws too. I need to be open about how messy the journey is for people who might have the same problems. Showing my weaknesses and vulnerability in light of what I am trying to change will be more helpful and insightful than purified advice that has been heard many times. That's how I learn, through watching other flawed people overcome things, and that's how I can most effectively teach anything, too, if at all.

These are the things that apply to me for my internet spaces (YouTube and this blog) where I'm attempting to both document and make sense of my own life. If it does not apply to what you're trying to do, the guidelines in making counter-rationalizations is to lay everything out when you're in a state of analysis paralysis, and take only the parts that stir you to action, and focus on those. And if you're as forgetful as me, make a system where you are reminded of those helpful, actionable rationalizations when you need them.

Post-Romantic Love Conquest: The Dreamiest Life

Valentine's Day amiright?? All the love-themed memeing has got me thinking and reflecting about love in my own life, and what my love "conquest" is going to be now that I'm A-OK in the romantic love aspect.

A lot of us grow up thinking that we are to search life looking for that other person to complete us, and V-day is supposedly about that kind of love. Recently though, I find that people are more sensible about it being a commercial holiday and have decided to own it instead and put their own spin: it's morphed to become a holiday that's about just love itself, and we express it to people who are important to us, not necessarily just our lovers or crushes. Our friends, parents, siblings, even our pets! Personally, I've been spending the past Valentine's Days with either my friends or my family. And now that Emmy and I are actually together on Valentine's Day for the first time?...

 We both spent it with my family. Haha!



I got to try Umenoya for the first time - it's located in the Microtel by Windham hotel that Emmy's family stayed in two Christmasses ago (woah! I almost said "last Christmas", how fast time flies!) Only my mom has tried it before in my family.

I had a Nigiri set meal as usual, and I find this place to be REALLY GOOD. The fish was fresh. The Uni was clean on the palette and service was nice. My mom opted for a private seating room - the kind where you can put your feet down into the floor - not sure what the terminology is! It has interesting decor, but it's muted compared to Ryuma, which is more kitsch. It was more relaxing and intimate. And the prices are lower, at least for the meal I got.

Emmy and I got a picture taken at the entrance - this was where we dropped his family off after New Year's Eve - it was very bittersweet for me. 

The day after Valentine's, we remembered that we had downloaded Sense and Sensibility in January so that it could be our special V-day movie. We figured it was never too late, and since our Mondays are free for now we had a nice Film/Show watching day complete with Mcdo and the long-awaited V-day Bob's Burgers episode.

Today though, I decided to openly ponder, through writing, about my current love conquest. And that is the search for my own ideal life. I want to take a few moments to fangirl over not my dream boy or girl, but my dream life... Aaaaaah.

And because most of pondering occurs in lists, let me list down the aspects of this dream life in bullet points!

• I want a creative life - It seems like it should be obvious that a creative person automatically will have a creative life, but as I grow older it takes more effort to seek creative activities actively. I want to spend more time deliberately painting, drawing, crafting, generally working with my eyes and hands, alone or with friends! My best friends and I have been discussing activities that can make this happen in a communal kinda way, because everything good is better when shared.
• I want to get back with music, and to stay together with it - because it's been hard for me to write songs lately, I've stepped back from singing and playing at all, and that's super strange! Especially since, like I told Emmy a few weeks ago, music used to be what I identified with when I was younger. When I self-identified, I would say "I'm a singer and a songwriter". And for years now, that hasn't been true, and it feels very bizarre and surreal how far away I feel from that person now. I know people change, and if I've naturally moved on as a person to something else then I'd be fine with that, but recently I've been itching to come back to that. It's not gone from me. It's still inside, wanting to come out. I just haven't taken the chance to have a real go at it again.
• I want a lifestyle change!!! - I want to take charge of my daily habits even more.

1. I want to wake up earlier and sleep more soundly, 
2. I want to eat less meat and dairy, and more whole foods, and to drink more water 
3. I want to move moderately and regularly, and form fitness habits that work for my lifestyle (I don't like pushing too hard, I don't want to have to go somewhere else to do it, I like dancing)
4.  I want to use my time more actively rather than passively. Less browsing, more editing videos, writing content, practicing my skills in those areas, and in art and music! And French.
5. I want to be more mindful of my belongings and have less unaccounted-for stuff in my place.
6. I want to start saving for my future and my creative projects. I'm currently in the process of finding a job that suits me, and I gave myself an ultimatum that if I don't find anything else, I will do what I used to do: be a call center agent! Scary! But I found a place that seems less stressful, and again that's just my option for when I don't find anything more suitable.

I've been going towards the right direction but very slowly, and it's a forward-and-back-again kind of process. But once Emmy and I move into our own place, I'm looking forward to really dive into it face-first! That being said, even now that we're still living in my room all of the time, I can still do a few of these changes:

1. Using my free time more purposefully. I'm still struggling at this bigtime, as can be seen through my very sparse posting habits here and on YouTube, but I'm sure I'll get a hang of it, I just have to keep at it everyday. 
2. I'm going to have a major decluttering session! I'm going to apply the KonMari Method (with alterations) to the things in my room, so that when I move into a new space, I will feel like a NEW WOMAN. whoo. It will also help me worry less about the attic caving in from the weight in my room. Haha.
3. Less-intense diet changes. We have trouble keeping our ideal diets when we live with other people, and end up eating McDonald's a lot! But even though we can't make our own food, I've kept on pulling my intake into the reasonable side, which was greatly helped by my #eatmindfully project last year. To be honest, I've been eating a little more, but it's still under control B-) And we still keep our owl water cups handy all the time!
4. Very easy exercise! A little goes a really long way for me. Just 12 reps of weighed squatting leaves me sore for a couple of days! Then I can go again. And I really feel improvements right away. It's pretty nice.
5. Keep learning about how to make things happen. I know I say this all the time, but Gretchen Rubin books are so effective and helpful to me. I love that she takes into account everyone's idiosyncrasies and real data, statistics, and sprinkles personal accounts and accounts of real people in the mix. It's just... So easy to understand and doesn't ring my "THIS IS BS" alarms. Right now I'm reading Better Than Before, which I was thinking about preordering on her website, thinking it might take a while to get here, but suddenly found on a shelf in the bookstore with the minimalistic original cover that I really like!!! Anyway, it's teaching me how to prioritize and effectively attempt change, so that's exciting because I can really use the guidance.

So yeah! A creative, functional, healthy life! So dreamy!!! I hope I make it werqq this year!

Shopping for Advice and Hoarding Wisdom

Imagine shopping for clothes one day, when a beautiful green sweater catches your eye.

You take it home, beaming with happiness. You feel like you've been looking for this sweater all your life. 

It makes you feel a sense of completeness; pride; even.

Then you put it in your closet with all your other clothes.

A few months pass, and the sense of completeness fades. You start itching to go shopping again. You go look for a new sweater.

You only ever wore the green sweater once.

Here's another one. Imagine buying a book that catches your fancy. You're relieved to snag a copy. You know the prints are limited and not everyone can get it. You feel very relieved that you are one of the chosen few. You put it on your shelf to read for later.. You smile at it every once in a while when you pass by your book shelf. You like how it looks like in your room. It feels very "you." But you struggle in finding time to read it. It spends so much time in your shelf that looking at it makes you feel a bit guilty now, and it dampens the feeling it once gave you.

When we buy things, getting the thing is just the first step to the experience of having it. For the item to fulfill you, it must be used according to the purpose it was made for.

The more we forget about the value of what's already there, the more we accumulate more of the same things. We start hoarding, uhm..."collecting" things that kind of just sit there, gathering dust.

Now stop thinking of the sweater and the book, and start thinking about advice you've gotten, read, stumbled upon, through the years. This kind of behaviour isn't strictly reserved to stuff we have in our rooms or houses. Beyond the physical realm, a lot of us have a habit of hoarding unused wisdom. In the sacred room that is our brain.

You receive it, and feel very enlightened to be someone who has this wisdom in their possession, but fail to use it. And so coming across this valuable piece of information becomes meaningless.

You know what I'm talking about right? There are figurative truckloads of overused quotes that you hear or read so much that they start to mean nothing. There are so many nuggets of wisdom that are quite universally familiar to the common person. And yet... Well, look at our world. Heck, just look at your Facebook feed.

Everyone knows they need to value their time more than they value money. Everyone knows that not all available knowledge is verifiable truth. Everyone knows how important empathy is. And yet... And yet.

The thing is, this is difficult for all of us. The second step after acquiring a good -which is actually using it- isn't always natural to us. And it's doubly hard to use advice and wisdom, because at least for our belongings, we are physically reminded that we have them, by their mere presence. It's far more difficult to do this to the contents of our brain and the behaviour that stems from it. Self-Awareness is the trickiest part of self-improvement.

Tricky because it's unlikely to be triggered to even really stop and think about it. There are no obvious signs that point to a lack of self-awareness in ourselves, even though it's easy to see it from other people. But if one feels that they've received so much good advice and yet their situation feels dis-aligned from what this wisdom was supposed to cure, it's pretty safe to say that they've probably been hoarding and not using.

I find this in my own life plenty of times. There are moments of clarity and peace, but every once in a while, because our lives naturally have ebbs and flows, I look at the state of my mind and my life and just go:

Then I'll have to gather myself, and try to focus on just a few nuggets of wisdom and really work on implementing them. Intently, whole-heartedly, self-criticisingly. It's always really messy and painful and humbling, but I always feel better, more together afterwards.

I'm currently undergoing a 90-day project after going to Arriane Serafico's workshop: I'm trying to create content regularly. And I have been struggling. In trying to come out of the rut, I find that using advice that I've known for a long time works just as well as looking for new inspiration. Especially if I've lost touch with the "old" advice. I just have to dust it off, and try it on again. It takes lots of practice and repetition before I feel like I've really learned and used a lesson and not just acquired it, and that first one is the secret to making the advice valuable at all.

It's easy to share a picture with a quote on it when it seems to make sense and is clever. But to be honest, a lot of the time, the people I see who do this very often, and with very varied (not ideologically-aligned) content, I've observed, seem to contradict themselves a lot, or seem to not really apply the wisdom to their lives, or worse, seem to have a habit of preaching, being offensive, or sub-posting (nagpaparinig in Filipino). While the people who do it less often seem to "curate" these pieces of wisdom and have them align with the way they live. They are not swayed by something just because it sounds clever, if they don't believe it. I think it might have to do with a person's relationship and openness to wisdom. Sometimes people like to skim the surface and be entertained or amused, or to criticise, and shame, while other times, they want to embody, teach, and share. Or maybe it has more to do with how careful a person is about what they impart to the world (some of those people I mentioned earlier post a lot of unverified "facts", too. haha.)

It is very easy to find faults in others, but hard to see them in yourself for the same reason that it's easier to make an inventory of what you own in your house VS what memories you have in your brain. We can see, hear, sense these faults around us, because we encounter these people and observe them. There are observable signals from outside ourselves that trigger our conclusions. The only way to observe ourselves is to make a point to do so. It rarely comes from the outside, and if it comes from other people, it's painful and will likely make us too defensive to make a real change.

So where do we start? First of all, when you see a quote that starts with "Some people..." Stop yourself from immediately thinking that you're not one of those people before you even read it. We always think we're on the right side of everything until we are proven wrong. It is very important to try to jump at any occasion to better oneself, before immediately thinking of someone else the advice must be useful to. Nobody wants to be that person who pushes their views, criticises and preaches to everyone but is unaware that everyone else thinks they don't follow their own advice. It also reminds people of advice they think you could use, if you get very critical and preachy to everyone else.

Second, think of the things that make you unhappy that you feel you have no control over. Then, think of the ways you can influence it. Accept that even though a lot of life is about luck, and social systems make it so that it's harder for some people than others, there's a way for you to make it at least a little bit better, and do that thing. This isn't to say that you shouldn't criticise the people that might be responsible, like, it's healthy to criticise some things, like the government, corporate greed, bad parenting or whatnot, but don't stop there and just give up. Do something from where you are. Every little bit helps. Everyone wishes someone else had done something, and yet they don't do much themselves.

Also, word to the wise: as much as you might think someone isn't criticising themselves, don't blatantly tell anyone that they never do. We don't fully know each other's inner journeys and if you happen to accuse someone of this who's actually undergoing a lot of self-criticism at the time, they might just stop trusting you. If you feel it is needed, maybe suggest it as a gentle nudge or ask it as a question. Don't assume!

Lastly, beyond understanding newly-acquired Golden Nuggets of Wisdom (or even old ones, because I'm sure you have a lot of gems in there that you haven't used to their full potential), try and find ways in which they apply to your own life, and think of specific behaviours you have that you could change accordingly. This part is very difficult for me, but I'm slowly learning to make my actions match my thoughts. The key is to keep trying, keep practicing, do it wrong, see what went wrong, change accordingly, fail better, keep applying again and again, keep learning, and to never give up. Or, to try again after every single time where you do give up, because ~even the best fall down sometimes~. 

It's never too late! Let's all do this together!

Happiness on Purpose

When's the last time you did something just to make yourself happy? 

And I don't mean comfortable, or relaxed, as how we would often describe habits we have just become accustomed to. They don't really make us happy so much as they just are the easiest thing to do.

When was the last time you went out of your way to make yourself happy?

Seems counter-intuitive, right? Why would I have to "get out of my way" to be happy? Doesn't getting out of my way mean doing something I don't really want to do?

I've eventually found the answer to this to be: "Not really silly billy."

Most people settle into habits as they grow older - not necessarily a working routine, especially if they are more on the lazy side of the spectrum, like me. More like autopilot behaviours that you sort of just find yourself falling into as a usual response to a type of daily trigger. Lately, I've been trying to take in charge more of my time. I'm trying to go out of my way to do things I know will make me happier for longer than things that feel like just scratching a random itch on my butt. Sudden relief, but does not add much to life.

For example, I have a collection of games on my laptop that I find myself mindlessly clicking on whenever I feel uneasy or stressed by a wave of thoughtsicles. Like right now, while I'm writing this, whenever I hit a mental block or find a phrase that needs a bit of thinking for me to word it in a way that isn't awkward, I keep running to my games for comfort or stress-relief. And even though that calms me, it keeps me from finishing what I'm writing, which is ultimately what would make me happier in the long run.

scene of the crime. i loik borgors.

Writing is something I do completely out of love. It doesn't give me anything that would provide me a sense of urgency should I be behind with work. And I'm not sure if it's because of that or in spite of that, that it gives me more long-term happiness than instantly gratifying things like entertainment or food. If I get to bring myself to do it, that is. So I've been trying to take it more seriously now.

But it's not just productive things like writing that I've been trying; even pointless things that can seem like they would bring about a happiness that resembles the urge-relief type of gratification, but are actually better for the mind and soul because of them being a new experience, or because they awaken and engage the senses instead of dulling them (like computer games can), or because they can be meditative and conducive to productive thought. My own examples are trying to progress on the really hard third level of my puzzle (still unfinished hoho), pushing myself to draw or paint when even the tiniest urge flutters and lands on my shoulder, and things like that.

Still not finished after employing the help of Emmy and Anne who are veterans haha jk. kinda

I guess that's what following your heart really means. I somehow subconsciously held the idea that following your heart applies strictly to scenarios that happen within something like a dance movie setting - "My parents want me to be a doctor.. But all I wanna do is DANCE!"- a particular individual feeling intensely passionate about one thing and the outside world trying to pull them towards the opposite direction of that thing, but them sprinting towards the thing they love anyway. I've always been a bit scattered about what I really want in the first place, so I never really felt that "follow your heart" resonates with me. It just sounded like a cliché that never applied to me personally, even though I'm a creative type. I'm slowly finding out that it can apply to me, but instead of it being about a huge lifelong dream or occupation, it's about the little things I do everyday that might, all together, lead me closer and closer to feeling like I'm living the life I want to live.

It's saving up for a Lush sale, obsessing about the bath bombs all December but waiting 'till the January sales to buy anything so they can be half-off:

...which makes me feel like it's something I waited patiently for and finally have (for half the price!). Even though they're just something I bought out of the shop, it's a delayed type of gratification, which ended up being a really fulfilling type of gratification because I took time to know and really let myself desire them, to know what's good about them,  to know what to expect, and to know what to pay attention to in particular when I do use them. To be fully engaged in something as simple as a bath, having my senses soak in and be fully engaged in experiencing the delicious smell and the matching music I played (Sigur Rós, duh).

Yes I did break up the bath bomb. Don't judge! I just want the magic to last ~

Or receiving a Christmas card from a dear friend (Hello Abby my liddol cherub) through snail mail (and boy does it live up to its post-internet name: took two months to arrive!), finding pretty golden stars and glitter inside and having an impromptu photo shoot with them starring my other hand, because apart from potentially putting glitter in my camera, why not?

Leo constellation :D I'll show you the rest of these soon :)

These things, due to years of hardwiring automatic procrastination into my system, didn't exactly feel super easy for me to do. At times, especially while writing, I actually experience moments of eustress or micro panic episodes that come with the experience of preparing, starting, creating,  or finishing anything. But they give me happiness - the kind that makes me hate myself less when I'm down, and lets me be excited again about life.

What I'd like for anyone to take from my experiences (should they want to) is simple: Try to get out of your way to be happy. Or better yet, get out of your own way. As in, stop deterring yourself. You might find it easier to do than I am, because I'm no expert, but here are things that can make it easier:

1) Don't try to do so much at a time. We can only realistically make a limited number of decisions per day without losing our willpower. You may feel like overhauling your whole life from this point and that's alright, but try not to micro-manage every single detail and daily task or you'll lose track. Make enough effort to make it mean something, but not too much effort that it ends up overwhelming you.

2) Keep it simple. Don't overthink it. If no idea for a happiness-causing activity comes to you, don't force it. Maybe wander around a bit, let it come to you. Don't let a lack of intensity of an idea keep you from pursuing things, either. Try to go with an impulse, even if it seems like a small thing. Find something pretty to look at? Grab your camera and document it. Find a nice recipe for a sure-hit dessert? Maybe buy the ingredients and make it on the weekend. Little things done with joy make a happy life.

3) Respect your individuality. Try to get to know yourself well and sincerely think of what kind of things will make you happy. You may look for inspiration from others, but there's a line between being encouraged by others to do something you really enjoy and being a plain old copycat. But don't stop doing something you're interested in just because it's difficult at the start. Just because it has stressful parts doesn't necessarily mean it's not for you. Just because it doesn't feel natural right now, it doesn't mean it can't be your thing. All that matters is you're going after what you want to be doing.

My hope is that I find the grace and willpower in me enough to keep on pursuing the things I love. It seems like it should be so simple, but sometimes life just happens and teaches you things you find you need to unlearn. I'm trying that thing where I'd rather make mistakes than not try at all. I'm glad to report that for the first time in my life, I can imagine myself being happy with just trying my hand at fully embracing my creative interests, even if I don't succeed at them in the typical sense. They make me happy, and if I'm not happy, did I really succeed?

could it be??? (a day-in-a-life liveblog of a day of potential)

7:30 

I'm about to have a normal, productive day after so long?

It's seven-thirty folks, and I've been awake for three and a half hours.

I've jotted down some notes, ate (AND COOKED) breakfast, fed the dog, had coffee and tea and have entertained myself with some youtube.

Look at my sexy suggestive breakfast:

dat face tho

10:30

(Three hours, a few more youtube videos, a "bit" of Tumblr, an actual bit of note-taking and a lot of puppy cuddling later:)

i found a marker and marked my skin, starting with the crown's bigger gem and got carried away much like Ice King's very own lack of struggle against his slow descent to dementia, letting too much time pass again without making much value from it

have i gone too far

yes i believe that i have gone too far

11:00 

snacktime, or maybe just plainly, my second meal of the day, and my mug expressing my sadness because beardy finally went to sleep.

a bunch of dandelion furballs dancing in the air after brushing my dog's fur a bit.. dogs are a wonderful addition to a family and everyone's voices turn musical, their disposition happy and light whenever the dog is in their presence, greeting them with overflowing cuteness, tails wagging in the air, never attempting to stifle excitement over seeing their favorite human.. and at this age of three months everyone is Sansa's favorite human. furry/beardy adorable pups and boys are time vacuums. i must resist.

setting an intention to make noon time count. but a dip in energy approaches. will i make it without being lulled into half-asleep automatic procrastination? (or napping)

maybe exercise will help?

tip: don't touch your face after drawing a penguin on the palm-side of your thumb.

3:00

i cooked this days ago. i'm kinda proud of it

few pages read, lunch, exercise (kinda), yeah.

4:00

doodled, notes, made coffee to stay awake, took a nap. Whoops.

5:00

"Sansaah!" *sits*

woke up, ate pizza, cookie, and the coffee that has already become cold. more puppy lovin.

6:30

End note: I didn't get to do as much as I'd have liked, but the night is long and the fight isn't over! And it's still a lot more than I've been doing lately. Will attempt to sleep "early" tonight and to wake up early tomorrow to have another go at normalcy.

★

all retch and no vomit... MORTAL COMBAAT

here you are, facing your one last big opponent

you do some jumping jacks, 

breathe deeply,

and pump yourself up to fight

..to this song in particular

and you do achieve the energy you felt you needed

yes

you feel ready

to take on this enormous task

you decide to start

and

and

get sidetracked about 10394 times and end up doing very mundane things with all the energy you gathered

please tell me i'm not the only one who has this problem

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING GRADUATE T.T

it takes effort to be effortless

it's a big fat paradox, but adult life has taught me that paradoxes consist a lot of the biggest truths in life.

this particular one hit me while i was in the shower today, deliberately showering in the dark, so that i can block out mental chatter, close my eyes, and reframe my thinking so that i can proceed to work calmly instead of in a forced manner.

don't try to study, i told myself. just become a studious person. by which of course i meant, that instead of forcibly and begrudgingly pushing myself to doing things that feel unnatural, i should internalize the character of a person who does not need to be forced to do these tasks.

it takes effort to be deliberately effortless. when rachel ray or jamie oliver make 30-minute or 15-minute meals, they don't simply hack into it out of nowhere after getting out of bed, they prepare the ingredients beforehand, set up the kitchen a certain way, pre-plan fast ingredients into the recipes, so on and so forth.

Seems backwards, doesn't it? If it takes effort, then it can't be called effortless.

After four hours of deliberating, Mary Kate finally finds the perfect "I just pulled random stuff out of my closet and put them on" look.

Well, the trick is devoting effort towards a different direction. To plan action in an efficient way, so that you end up working smart, instead of hard.

to effectively be able to go through life in an easy breezy covergirl manner, you have to step back too, and not just walk forward. slowly and steadily. you know how they say that "life is a marathon, not a race"... You have to stop every once in a while to change tires or whatever to stay in shape and in the game for longer.

That's the piece of the puzzle that takes a back seat in a lot of the stuff I used to read about mind power and the like. Beware of anything you read that makes change sound like magic. It is like flipping a switch, but you have to translate the change in your mind onto your life on your own. There is still some work to be done after you've flipped that switch. So don't get so disheartened right away. Mind power does exist. But you have to put it to use practically.

But that's my personal experience. I'm no expert.

How about you guys? Do you ever take time to recollect yourself before you go through a big undertaking? Or are you effortlessly effortless? Can you just plow on without too much thinking/meditating beforehand and still produce great results? (I want to think that time will come eventually that I'll be able to be that way. Momentum and stuff.)

Anyway.


Life Updates:

• In a few days, a new puppy will be arriving to our house! it's a chipoo, that is, a chihuahua poodle mix, and I'm weirdly so excited to potty train it! haha.
• I've finally kinda started on my paper. But things have yet to become intense! But at least I'm starting a lot earlier than I normally would have. (which is too little too late)
• In case I haven't announced it yet, Beardy has already bought his plane ticket for June! YAY!
• Eldest brother had been doing a lot of decorating and our house feels more and more like a home.
• Going out to buy groceries still makes me feel very happy.
• I recently subscribed to this site after reading an article that was very enjoyable. :)

big birds with small stones

I love the idea of micro efforts that yield HUGE results.

some of my examples:

• buying little Christmas gifts ALL YEAR instead of last minute (or month) makes Christmas a lot less stressful
• buying and eating healthier food (as opposed to avoiding all bad food)makes a little less room for bad food in your life
• choosing a specific day of the week to do laundry makes home life less chaotic
• cleaning one little area of your room at a time, or just a few things at a time instead of all at once: 1) takes a shorter time and requires less courage so you won't stall so much 2) helps you habitualise the act of fixing and cleaning, so that it never gets to a bad point again.

I'm the sort of person that paces around to gather courage between thinking up a great idea and actually doing it. Improving my life in effective, bite-sized pieces instead of trying to swallow a huge chunk of change relieves me from having to deal with this torment.

Lately I've been eating more fruits/fruitshakes (with no added sweetener!) and switched to Diabetasol when I want my tea/coffee to be sweet. But generally I just take black coffee cos I want to be weaned off overly salty/sweet stuff. This has made me feel fuller during the day, and more energetic too!

I'm trying to remember to stretch often, too (it's hard to remember to do it every day though. but i'll try)

Tomorrow mom and I are going to start doing yoga every thursday and tuesday. i guess that's a small effort high yield thing too! I'm really excited because I miss yoga.

so there! i'm really feeling my age lately. what with getting really excited for MediCard because I love the idea of free check ups, and losing my desire for the fast life. i just want to live every day nicely, to progress slowly, to find joy in the small things. I really changed and I really like it.

Little by little, one day at a time, i'll make thousands with nickels and millions with dimes! (nice. i rhymed.)

lists don't take you everywhere

do you ever get the sense that you list so much on your to-do list but end up doing so little?

i'm trying this thing where, when ideas come to mind, like little chores, i do them instead of noting them down for later.

i got so many little things done today because of this. i feel like when i list tasks, they somehow feel partly finished to me, and i end up being lax at actually doing them. weird.

so far i've done a lot of preparing for tomorrow and other random chores, namely:

1. cleaning up and repolishing my nails
2. using my nose strip thing
3. brushing my teeth a second time (im trying to brush three times a day to whiten em; so far i only remember to do it twice a day)
4. packing up my bag 
5. queuing two blog posts for tomorrow and the next day
6. fixing my room
7. taking out the trash
8. charging my phone and camera
9. etc

and i do feel like i accomplished a lot. if i listed them down before doing them i don't think i'd have done them all. so even though i was really itching to list them down because i felt like i was going to forget some if i don't, i resisted and mentally checked them off instead. surprisingly, my brain was able to remind me of things just fine. as long as i kept moving. i'm learning to trust you more, subconscious. yay for our partnership.

i think i'll stick to doing lists for the next day instead of the present day. a bad habit of mine is to pace too much back and forth, gearing myself up to do something. i mentally over-prepare, but i under-do.
listing them down the day before will prepare my subconscious without me having to look at the list again and again while im in the middle of things. i think that's what i did in freshman year anyway. back when i was super productive.

Taking "acting naturally" seriously

...sounds like an oxymoron no? But I'm slowly learning that it often pays to push yourself to do what's natural to you, just because no matter what we are genuinely interested in, (we being lazy, detached people like me) our mindless, default habits simply have the ability to win us over very easily.

I see it in myself all the time. For example, I have so many passions in life: food, comedy, writing, fiction, non-fiction, biographies, travel, animals, music, art... But how many of those things do I really get to do everyday, or at least regularly? A very small percent. Why? Could it be that I'm not actually at all that passionate about them? I considered this once, and decided to "take it easy" and to do what's natural. I ended up sitting on my butt and procrastinating for years.

What's natural isn't always what's the easiest, although it's always easier than what isn't natural.

Inaction can very easily look like you're only doing what's natural, and that's scary. It's like a raisin cookie disguising itself as a chocolate chip cookie. But once you see the difference between being in your element and taking action, and just going by whim and, say, watching TV all day and not producing anything worthwhile because it feels natural, then it will be easier to catch yourself and to familiarize yourself with the feeling of creatively being in your element, so that you can follow that feeling again and again.

I'm beginning to think that once you do it enough, then you won't have to push everyday. It will feel like second nature, life Finn over here. He's just always ready for adventure. He takes foolin' around and punchin' buns seriously, like it's his job. Because he's habitualized it, he feels antsy when he just sits around. And that thought is very comforting to me. Gives me hope, man.

Redirect, redirect.

One lesson I've decided to take into heart recently is to not be too hard on myself about plans unmet and to be zealous instead at re-planning based on daily assessments and developments in my work. Taking what is as it is. No mourning allowed. Energy that I don't want to spend mourning would stay clear off the "negative emotions zone" better if I spend it on something else, and the most useful thing to spend it on is re-orienting my intention into new plans.

Basically I'm recycling the tension, transforming it into motivation. Distress to Eustress.

The problem with plans for me is that I can't plan too far ahead lest the often-inevitable scenario wherein I lose interest in what past me wanted to happen and completely avoid the goal. I have a bad case of the floating world complex, as you may call it.

This coming week I decided to condense goals into one or two a day, and moved my deadline farther to accommodate such a feat. I'm nearing the actual deadlines too much so i only stretched so far as to have a few days before the actual deadline for possible corrections and follow-ups.

If this technique works, then it would mean that I have found the correct pace for me. I usually try to jam so many stuff into the span of one day, seemingly momentarily, repeatedly oblivious to the fact that although there may be 16 waking hours of life every day, I never have 16 hours of focus.

On Friday night, it was caused by another experiment that failed. The concept of me planning only for the next day and not beyond, to avoid the aforementioned dissonance in intention between present me and future me. I listed three goals and respective times for beginning and ending, stressing out Saturday self, making her nap and stall compulsively. It was not pretty.

On the upside, I found a really cheap laptop I'd like to purchase.

On the downside of the upside, I don't have even that much money and I do not reside in the US.

On the upside of the downside of the upside, I learned a lot of new, very useful information about computer specs, reviewed some grade school math, and talked to precious friends.

To be completely fair though, it might have worked if the three goals were small ones instead of humongous ones which involved an invisible roaring beast fan in my laptop which bared its fangs whenever I attempted to progress.

So, TL;DR:

Failed: Big numerous goals in rigid day-long timeline.

Testing: One big goal (or small numerous goals) each day for the week + space (read: day/s not hour/s) for corrections and unexpected stuff.

Also, I have to get my laptop repaired, but can't yet because I'm using it.

Also, calm your tits, look ahead, keep trying.

Also, I probably shouldn't think too much about my sleep schedule. I bet it's counter-productive. Times wherein I successfully slept during normal person hours came from me not giving a rabbit's butt and just going about my day as if sleep will fall into place wherever and it doesn't matter. It's 5:50 AM, yes, but I'm going to sleep soon-ish, have an activity set for the day, and will probably fall asleep earlyish-like. But if not, that's okay too.

Let the subconscious handle the sleeps, make the conscious focus on the tasks.