Emotional Minimalism

What if you could declutter your feelings?

What if you could look over the stock of emotional reactions you keep around, decide which ones to keep, and which ones aren't serving you anymore, and let them go?

Sure you can't toss people out in your life, there will always be bad apples in your circles, maybe even your family, but what if you can toss out the guilt, shame, undeserved care, or any other feeling associated with them that doesn't do anyone any good?

What if you can free yourself from the insecurity of not being as good as you want to be, and make some space to stock up on feeling excited about how much you can improve instead? After all, minimalism isn't about merely having less, but rather having what is essential, and forgoing everything else.

What if you could accept and recognize the effect of toxic people on you and decide not to feel obliged to impress them, and allow yourself to keep a civil, safe distance?

The thing is, you can. Sure, it's not an exact analogy: there is no before-and-after picture you can take, and it cannot be done over one long holiday. Emotions are habits, not things, and saying they're easy to quit is like saying beating addiction is as simple as just not buying cigarettes anymore.

Most days it would feel like giving away old clothes, only to find them back in your closet the next day. Emotions are clothes, if clothes were alive and could crawl.

Emotional decluttering feels more like training a muscle. You'll have to do it regularly, but there will always be an improvement, and it should only get easier over time.

And the way to start is to stop and decide to be aware of what you have in there in the first place. A lot of objectivity, a listening ear from a friend, maybe even a bit of journalling, but the most important thing is to choose to be aware of how you feel from now on.

Know that your emotions don't have to BE you. You don't have to let the monstrous black tides that wash over you pull you away into an endless sea of hopelessness or anger. You are more like a shelf, and emotions are the books you put into it. And sure, the longer you keep some books in there, the more they're going to look like they're part of that shelf, and the shelf won't ever be the same without them. That's all fine and good if you're keeping good classics in there that remind you of how to strive in life, and how to create and keep joy. How to love, or feel grateful, so sure keep those. But if they're shitty novels or gossip rags, would the shelf never being the same be such a bad thing?

It's hard, and it will take time. But it's a choice you can always make.

And again, Minimalism is not about having the least possible amount, but about having less of what you don't need, and more of what is essential. So perhaps, replacing the bad with the good will do you more favors than just trying to create a void and resisting the icky feelings when they come. Build the habit of hopping onto a happier train of thought instead of boring a hole into an awkward memory of a moment that you can't change.

There is loads of good advice out there about the hows of it all, but the most important part is to remind yourself that it's an option. There is a different way to live. There is a way to think kinder, that is, thinking in a way that is kinder to yourself, and this will allow you to also be kinder to others.

Since we're welcoming a new year soon, perhaps it would be a good time to start.

Tricycle Therapy aka Dealing with my Demons in the Dark

Coming home today I had a nice talk with Beardy. It was one of those talks where what you say just unfolds by itself, sort of a live epiphany in front of a one-man audience.

It helped that we were in the dark, in a cramped tricycle, loud motor running, me buzzed from sitting all day making* art. I felt like bursting, and was in a safe space to do so.

I told him about how I think I've been avoiding being "seen" for a long time, because I wasn't comfortable with myself.

Being "seen" as in leaving any sort of impression. At first I claimed that I didn't want to leave any strong impression on anyone, and so I feel scared when people seem to get a whiff of my critical/agit side (I attempt to mask this by showing my kooky/awkward side so people know I don't bite) but I suddenly realised that I was trying to not make ANY impression at all.

Thus I had an aversion to speaking my mind without being asked (by name, not as part of a crowd), or to volunteer for things, or to make friends with people I liked or admired.

But recent developments had made it so that I've been spending more time with those people, and so it's becoming very unlikely for them to not have any impression of me. And so this provided a stark contrast from how things were just a year ago, which made the reasons, I guess, bubble up to the surface.

let's provide a visual! the oil = deep seated issues. they were stuck to the bottom when i was socially empty and friends = water!! 

It's because I have an ideal self, and I know I'm far from being her as of yet.

My ideal self would be kind enough to speak her mind, ask questions when in doubt of what someone says, but sound calm and reassuring enough that the person wouldn't feel attacked. But that takes a lot of nerve. It takes a very calm person. And I'm typically a very nervy person.

I get too nervous when speaking up around people because I'm overly either sensitive or imaginative about what they would think or how they'd feel of/about what I say.

It's kind of funny to realise this now, at a point in my life where I've supposedly very decidedly stopped caring what other people think about me. But now I realise that that only goes as far as my appearance. I don't care about being ugly, fat, or hairy. But I do care about being kind.

Beardy reassured me that it's already a lot for me to be so ambitious about being a better person, instead of being too happy about who I already am. I told him I admired him and others, who felt comfortable to be seen as who they are. Comfortable about people knowing their impatience, pickiness, all of their glorious idiosyncrasies, but he said he admired that I'm aware of mine and would like to improve upon them instead of settling.

I'm realising that perhaps I've reached the point of no return. There are things to be worked on that could only be worked on under the lamplight of the company of other people. I may feel like I got it together when I'm alone or unstimulated, when my mental, emotional and physical energies are untapped and thus feel abundant. I did feel like I was searching for a "flowier" state of being, rather than the safe and stagnant shell I felt I was in. Maybe I'm here now. Maybe this is how it will feel for a while.

I will feel more watched, my palms and feet will be sweaty, but I'd be learning and relating to other people more, at an exponential rate. I will feel misunderstood, I will feel scared about perhaps having said the wrong thing, but this way, I'd be able to reach and help more people, with whatever I'm called out to do. I'd be nervous because I care, and uncomfortable like I'm in a tricycle.

And maybe sometimes, that's the kindest thing to be.



 (*term used loosely: our mentor tells it's just copying because the composition is directed) 

Sitting Duck (poem)

living in a cage called Psychological Time

I run away from a familiar feeling:

anxious heartbeats, sounding inside

like footsteps behind me, running.

knitting lists from an unraveling mind

until all they are are identical rows

meaningless squiggles, constant warnings

of failures only the future knows

clearing out big spaces of time

to let the work catch up on crutches

brain jumping onto parallel planes

the clock doesn't stop, but watches.

waking up near the bottom of the lake

after dreaming about struggling on the surface

a desperate hope for diamonds to form

from the chances that slipped into the furnace

💫2016: slow, subtle, steady af.✨ (my 2016 year review using pages from The Giving Journal)

Now, I know, I know... When it comes to the state of the world, "slow, subtle, steady af" is nowhere near applicable for describing the year that was. It was a rough ride. But looking at it through a more personal, introspective set of eyes, that was how my personal development in life was like this past year.
I used a CBTL Giving Journal in 2016 and it had these cutesy pages that I had fun filling out, and now that it's 2017 I'm using them to get a feel of my progress, to remember where I was at at the start:

Late in 2015, subject to numerous tiring bus rides, I had a lot of time to think of a way to picture how I wanted 2016 to go. What steps I wanted to take. That was when I got the inspiration to imagine my life as a flower:

I imagined:

1. that in the first quarter, I'd be preparing a good foundation for myself through good health and a saner state of mind (the roots of the plant, but i called it seeds for the sake of the pattern -.-).
2. In the second quarter, I'd be aiming for better structure, and an upwards movement kinda feel through a stable job and habits that I hoped would be automated thereafter (stalks),
3. the third quarter was going to be when my efforts in making regular output were going to be refined and focused into the channels where I'd find myself gravitating more towards, so that
4. in the fourth quarter, after concentrating my energy on those, I'd acquire the blooms, or in other words, I was going to have everything I do "pay off" in the end.

Of course that didn't go exactly as planned. I unexpectedly found a real life job I actually liked going to, and so that occupied me. That being said, I still managed to make it halfway through the flower thing. I felt healthier because I was more active and slept better, my work makes me feel involved and improved me in aspects I wanted to improve on. I was just really ready for feeling rooted and stable, I guess. But in my opinion, I didn't get to do much of gearing towards personal projects, and I think that's vital for me to feel truly balanced.

BUT if I may, past Bea, there's something I'd like to change in that whole flowchart/metaphor thingy you got there:

I think the fourth one was a bit too focused on receiving things, like I needed success to be guaranteed. Blooms shouldn't be about things that are not in my hands, methinks. It should just be about me being able to look back into what I worked on and feel like I finished things I started. But I still like the part where I say something to the effect of "to know how to introduce myself to strangers." I think blooming should also be about getting a better sense of my identity through things I've done, so that's staying.

So I only made it to the halfway point of the marathon, but I'm still much better off from where I'm started, so I'm really happy! Aim for the stars, make it to the moon, I guess.

That being said, "my 2016 life mantra" in the CBTL Giving Journal guided me quite well:

I grew in so much ease (I guess it pays off to take things slow), much more ease than I thought was possible. And indeed, it was through being kinder to myself (and others - tension arises when we assume the worst of people who hurt us, and love blooms when we give them a chance)...

So! Good improvements:

• I've been taking on more things than I'm used to for work, and I'm staying afloat! It's done my confidence a lot of good. I used to think I had no perseverance. But I'm learning that I just need people around me sometimes, and that accountability works on me.
• Managing that by finally, finally being able to naturally apply the "one thing at a time" thing that I've always been trying to learn how to do (I say this time and time again - it's one thing to know something, and another thing to apply. Think of that the next time you nag someone or yourself.). I can actually stop worrying once I decide that it's not time for it yet; such a big relief!
• Being more open about my flaws, being able to dissect my own behaviour and change. A lot of people are good at seeing other people's flaws, but it takes a certain level of perseverance to see your own flaws and not be defensive about them. I've always admired people who can do that and in turn create wonderful things with that self-awareness, and I feel like I'm slowly getting there. Makes me happy. (And relieved!) It also allows me to get closer to people easier.
• I'm getting a little better at hushing that negative voice in my brain! Sure, I look crazy at times because sometimes I tell it to stop out loud, but hey, whatever works, right?
• I sleep at night and wake up in the morning regularly now. It's kind of a huge deal.
• I can moderately extrovert a bit more than before. Still wrecks me with anxiety from time to time, especially when I have a lot on my plate, but I'm managing!

And here are the things that need improvement:

• WRITE THINGS DOWN AND DON'T LOSE THEM AND ACTUALLY READ THEM AGAIN PLEASE?! So many missed opportunities for blog posts and fiction and whatnot.
• Speaking my mind about a risky thing without getting scared/shaking/feeling like my throat is full of ice
• Working on personal projects for real this time outside of work
• More balance between trusting myself and honing the mindset that allows me to feel accountable enough to meet that trust
• I'd also like if there was less automatic negative self-talk to hush in the first place
• More physical activity!!!

Goodbye, 2016. Was nice knowing you!

You are not a fantasy. You are an experience.

Don't look at mirrors to find your worth

You were not born to be

eternally striving

to be easier to look at

Your eyes were meant to look

asymmetrical

and outward, into the world

to find things that give you life

Your knees needn't be smooth

to prop you up

into greater heights

and bruise and bleed

into greater strength

Your body was not meant

to be stuffed into tight spaces

and to be hidden in the dark

to stay porcelain, and unexposed, and brittle

You were meant to move,

to laugh with your mouth open

to love with eyes intent

and not looking down on your feet

Let us be with you

through the spilling of your soul

let any image of you fall to the wayside

of the life you live

Just something I'm writing to myself, (and people like me) for those dark moments where I feel ugly, ungraceful, awkward and unlikeable, and needing to clam up, hide, and basically cease to be in the presence of people I want to befriend but find intimidating because I feel bad about myself. Or those times where I feel bad for having dirty nails and unkempt hair because I've been busy and too tired to fuss over myself more. I'm slowly finding out that: 1. Creating something is more valuable than how you look while making it, get your hands dirty! who cares. & 2. Warmth is usually very contagious and the world has more kindness to give if you're only able to be more open to receive it.

The Mind is Always a Step Ahead.

There is an Icelandic word called "Lifspeki",
which means ‘The practical philosophy by which one lives one’s life’.

Not a philosophy one believes; nor a philosophy one aspires to live by.

Not a state of mind. A state of being.

I wrote about the feeling of being split in half in this regard, and it made me think of the concept of daemons in Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials book series, the first book set that Beardy gifted me. In the world of the protagonist Lyra, one's inner self is animated and projected through a daemon - a being that takes an animal form. In our world, it is assumed that our daemons are already inside us. But it does not necessarily mean, I guess, that we are more united within than a person from Lyra's world - because they are made aware of the disconnect and have more opportunities to work it out, while we are estranged to the fact that parts of us may contradict each other.

I think harmony between my philosophies/thoughts and actions is the highest thing I can ever aspire to in life.

My thoughts and actions are friends.

They do not seem to be one and the same.

My thoughts run around, and have the ability of flight. They can be free, unbounded, and can be in more than one place at a time.

My actions are creatures of the earth. Bound by the ground I step on. Always lagging at least a little bit behind.

They are the best of friends. At least they try to be.

But they often leave each other behind.

They can move in different speeds, not always forward, and they tend to get each other lost.

My thoughts tend do throw themselves up as if the stars are calling them by name when my actions can barely lift feet off the mud.

And so sometimes it feels like they part.

My mind can live in a completely separate plane from my actions, feeling free and wild like fire,

But the whole of me lives on Earth, where only My Actions matter.

And so the whole of me stays troubled.

A human without their daemon.

My Actions, not My Thoughts, allow me to connect with others, and to change reality.

My thoughts to my actions are what souls supposedly are to bodies.

Without a body, a soul is just a ghost. Unable to speak, to hold, to connect. Its existence questionable.

And without a soul, supposedly, a body is lifeless.

When my actions don't match my thoughts, what becomes of me then?

A thoughtful ghost.

A lifeless drone.

One piece at first glance, but two incomplete halves in any other angle.

My mind will always be a step ahead. 

But it needs to let My Actions catch up, hold its hand, so it can 

at the very least

follow closely by.

Chasing The Present

photo: mine from Christmas Day. heheh.

Why is it so hard to stay present in our own lives?

It's probably not because of a lack of being reminded of it. We get reminded of it all the time, and yet, like being told to put sunscreen on, it soon becomes like background noise. Something you expect to hear, and agree to, it's just hard to apply it to your life. But why?

I'm guessing a lot of it is because of the fact that even though there are so many ways to put it into words (eg. live in the now, YOLO, be here now, wherever you are, there you are, be present, etc), as a concept, it has an odd ability to stay just a bit out of grasp, even after you understand it one time.

Because it's a way to be and to do things, not an activity in itself.

We can never hand out how to be present in specific, all-encompassing terms. We can only talk about what it could feel like, what it could cause, things that could probably help get us there.

It's not a one-size-fits-all type of deal. Everyone will have a different level of openness to the present that could give them the most benefit, and everyone would respond very differently to different ways to achieve this mental state.

However. it's a little bit easier to notice a severe lack of it.

We lack presence when we feel time go really fast. It means we spent a lot of time in our heads and have come back to our surroundings on a much later date or hour than we expected it to be. When we are riddled with regret, we know that we were stuck back in the past for a little bit. When everything around us seems dull compared to our dreams, we know we spent too much time imagining the future instead of being here, to make the future happen.

I guess what I'm saying is... being in the present moment is a little bit like happiness - it is best to approach it calmly, with open eyes and an open mind, and allowing it to fall into your hands. When you chase it, you lose it. Because it doesn't come from anywhere else but inside yourself.

See, it's hard to not sound mystical when trying to explain it!

But as I've said, a little bit more openness is helpful. And quite worth it, once you get to a point where it comes a lot easier. But things get a bit weird when what you need to be open to is not to do something more, but to do something less. To stop trying so hard.

Here are the personal tools I use when I attempt to pull myself back into here and now. I hope you find them helpful, if you feel open enough to receive them:

• Stop trying to be present. When you are fully present and are used to the sensation, it should not feel like trying at all. If it feels like trying at first, that's okay. But don't try too hard. You'll lose the calm required, and you'll use up will power that you could use for other things that let you function in your life. It's alright, we are humans and we need thinking about the past and future to make sense of our surroundings and lives. The key is to just stay open and to not get lost in these thoughts, so we can let the present flow, and be at peace with whatever comes.
• Let go of worry. A nice albeit morbid activity that I've recently embraced is to think about the impermanence of life and our eventual death, or Memento Mori. The first time I came across the idea, though. I internally flinched, because I thought I could never really think about death without feeling haunted by it. I can't not worry about it. But that actually goes against what Memento Mori is trying to achieve. Reminders of how short life is are not there to make us worry about it, which would take us away from the present, but to make us accept what's there at the end, and so we end up valuing what's here, now, even more. "Death is there, not here. Let there take care of itself, and let me take care of here."
• Be curious. Perhaps the most natural way to be in a state of flow. Follow your curiosity, and for any other old thing that you need to deal with, be genuinely curious about that. We often take curiosity for granted, as if it's something that can only occur spontaneously, but it can be helped along by a little effort from ourselves. It can be what makes a boring, soul-sucking errand turn into an interesting, complicated and stimulating activity. This is the only thing in this list that doesn't ask you to stop doing something, and that's what makes it the most important one. Avoiding things will never be as effective as simply replacing them with something better (even with diets!). And so never forget this most important step.

When Love Comes First

When love comes first,

"Don't leave without me" will be met with "Why would I?".

"Sorry I'm like this." would be answered with "No need to apologise, I understand it must be hard."

You wouldn't have to ask to be considered in their life decisions, you just automatically are.

You wouldn't feel dry and used, and every bit of love you give is replaced by love from them.

You wouldn't need to choose between being perfect or being left alone. They stay by your side, fights, warts, and all.

There are people out there who put love first. These people exist, and in more numbers than you think is possible right now, when you have given yourself so freely to people who just take your love for granted.

These are people who grew up in love, who had doting parents listen to every word when they were just learning to speak, jumbling their words and finding it hard to explain anything. They were taught to give, to understand, to not compare and compute the value of people. They were brought up without judgement by the adults they trusted with their innocence and vulnerabilities.

To these people, reciprocity of love is natural. They will care for you back if you show them love and attention. At the very least, they will not feel entitled to taking it all from you when they cannot give it back. And when they can, they give it a hundred percent.

And for people like us who feel yearning for this kind of love, who feel like we can love so much more than we have been given a chance to, to love better than we could imagine right now due to sheer lack of examples... we only need to stop settling for less. We need to learn to love ourselves so much that being treated less than with love, kindness, and tenderness will not look like a normal tolerated thing, but something that we simply cannot stand for and will have to move on from. We need to make the act of letting love come first the most natural thing there is, until it's the default of our world.

This was where I was five years ago, realising I was Beardy's girlfriend over Facebook haha, and funnily enough it was also where we were last night with friends! :p

Five years ago today, on the 22nd of December in 2010, Beardy and I made our relationship "official" between ourselves, after about 1 & 3/4 months of talking and sharing our lives online. I didn't know how transformative this relationship was going to be in my life. At the time it just felt very natural to call it a relationship because we felt naturally connected and committed to seeing the thing we had between us grow. Beforehand, I've had bad experiences of caring for people too much, who didn't really care about me the same way. I really had a warped perception of relationships and was going about things the wrong way until I lucked out and met him. We started out as just friends, until realising we were what the other was looking for, even if we didn't know it at first. I used to think he was an exception in the way he handles love but I sincerely hope and believe that there are many people out there who love like we do, and it's just not a thing that people are used to looking for (even me!).  I hope that the people I care for, at the very least, find a love that really works for them and fulfills them and lifts them up, and is plainly and simply reciprocal without needing mental justifications. I believe that whoever can love fully, deserves to be given that love back, and relationships like that can really emanate a love of love not only between the two people, but all around them, too. I'd like to live in a world with a lot of that!

The Inner Lives of Strangers

A picture I took out my window yesterday while the rain was pouring. I snapped it just as this person was walking by and thought it looked a bit like something off of a Ghibli film.

I enjoy people-watching. And I know many other people who enjoy it too. I think it's natural for people to come into a somewhat voyeuristic trance when doing this, and sort of feel detached from their surroundings, as if they are looking into a glass window. It can be fun to be curious, to wonder about where everyone comes from, how they find the weather, who they love, and if they are happy.

But every so often, there is a risk of this detachment turning into something a bit more cynical, and it's as if we are looking into a glass bowl instead, with puny mindless fish inside. We are tempted to fancy our lives and minds more complex and colorful than theirs, simply because of the context we see them in. I come across posts online that on the surface seem to be helpful and insightful, asking for the reader to keep their eyes off their phones, to rush less and enjoy their surroundings, unlike the zombies in the picture with their eyes glued to their phones (non-verbatim of course). Just because everyone around you is rushing around, or doing common things, doesn't mean you are alone among mindless creatures of passive, mundane existence.

I believe there is a danger to painting with very broad brushes when we look at others in their unguarded moments. Any bitter sentiment stemming from feeling like everybody is dull more likely stems from an issue we have to deal with in ourselves, rather than the actual people around us that trigger these feelings. It reflects our own limited perspective, or perhaps imagination, when it comes to the complexity of life outside of our own immediate awareness.

It can be very helpful to approach thinking about the inner lives of strangers with suspended judgement, and more curiosity instead. Helpful not only for the people in question so that we may be kinder to them, but also, and this is true even if we never even interact with them; to our own peace of mind. Because we then feel less loneliness in being our complicated selves, when we realize that there are so many various interesting lives that we are not living, and we can only witness through being open to others when we interact with them. 

When to Listen to Envy

The last time I remember being intensely envious was when I found the instagram feed of someone I briefly knew from childhood. She now has a big following for being a beauty/lifestyle/fitness online personality. I remember looking at her abs, feeling a sense of envy slowly radiate through me, but I couldn't stop looking at the pictures. And then I ended up doing something I've raaaaaaarely done in my life.

I put my sneakers on, and ran outside.

I ran and ran, until my thighs were too itchy from the sudden rush of blood to my capillaries, something they're not used to. I went back home, still in the same doughy body, but somehow, I felt a lot better.

Now, I'm still no runner (I still prefer forms of exercise that don't make my jiggly bits bounce around like they want to leave my body) but when I think back to that memory, I remember it fondly. 

Isn't that odd? 

Envy isn't something we think of as a positive thing, yet it can unlock things that are otherwise inaccessible to us when we are complacent and content.

The trick is to accept envy, and to not stop there.

Think of envy as that stretch of road in a different city from where your final destination is, that welcomes you and then says goodbye because where you ultimately need to be is somewhere farther along the road.

There's someplace else you gotta be, but sometimes you just have to pass it by to get there.

What is there to see in that stretch of road? What redeeming factor could a crappy feeling like envy possibly have? 

It bares your own deep-seated desires in front of you. It lets you know yourself better, and possibly point you towards what you need to do next.

I remember this memory fondly because that's the turning point for me when it came to my relationship with envy. It ultimately transformed it from an unhealthy source of self-loathing, to a tool I now use to point myself to parts of myself that might need more attention.

Nowadays, when I feel myself get envious of someone, I:

1. Stop, acknowledge, and welcome the envy. "Hi, yes envy. You are here because I saw someone really fit on Instagram and I feel like a lazy slob."
2. Ask myself what part of the thing I just witnessed roused desire (/covetousness) in me and why. "Possibly I'd like to be healthier. Possibly I want to look as good in clothes! Probably both of those things."
3. And finally, I ask myself if there is realistically anything I could do now, or soon, that could make me come closer to that thing's realisation in my own life. "Ideally, I'd exercise and eat as healthy as she does! But I know myself; I'm a lot more laid-back and cannot be bothered to be so strict with myself. Simply taking care of my health a little more would probably be enough. Maybe I should go for a run right now, just to get some exercise."

After that, any sort of bitterness I might have towards the person just goes away, or gets replaced by appreciating, and then excitement and motivation for my own life. I have to say though, a lot of the time now, I bypass the bitterness altogether and get straight to appreciatin'. 

Here's a simple example of the sort of mental process that goes on:

"Ugh. He draws SO WELL! What makes it so awesome? Oh yeah the way it looks so effortless. I should practice more. I'm glad to have this guy on my feed. So inspiring."

I try hard to stop myself from self-depreciation, and lately I haven't been needing to try very hard: it's started to come more naturally to me, and it's really very nice. Even though it took a while to get here.

When we try to understand envy at its core and let it reveal to us our true selves, we open ourselves to the possibility of transforming its role in our lives from being a competitive, destructive force into being a cooperative, and possibly nurturing one. Because we let the people that we envy influence us for the better while observing their lives. Instead of being a reason to tear each other down like it usually is, envy could then build us up.

This will not always easily be the case, of course, and there will be times where we get stuck with being envious of someone. There are just some things we will wish for ourselves that are more attainable for other people. We are especially vulnerable to this when we haven't taken enough time to truly know and accept ourselves. When we are out of touch with our own paths, we don't get to adapt insight to fit the mold of our unique journey, because we don't know what it is. Instead, there would be a tendency to superficially imitate and copy our sources of envy instead of adapting the important substance or element that is lacking in us, and is the ultimate source of the envy.

(Like being tempted to buy a skincare product used by someone with great skin instead of just using the good ones you have more regularly, Bea!)

Sometimes, that can be good enough for the mean time, but we will soon have to face ourselves and our true lives. Unfortunately, self discovery is something that is somehow just meant to be potentially painful and uncomfortable. But the rewards are always well worth it! There is always a feeling of invincibility and expansion that follows a successful round of self-reflection.

So face your envy. In fact, embrace it! Let it be your friend. Don't hide it or hide from it. Take its hand and let it lead you to a better self.

Shopping for Advice and Hoarding Wisdom

Imagine shopping for clothes one day, when a beautiful green sweater catches your eye.

You take it home, beaming with happiness. You feel like you've been looking for this sweater all your life. 

It makes you feel a sense of completeness; pride; even.

Then you put it in your closet with all your other clothes.

A few months pass, and the sense of completeness fades. You start itching to go shopping again. You go look for a new sweater.

You only ever wore the green sweater once.

Here's another one. Imagine buying a book that catches your fancy. You're relieved to snag a copy. You know the prints are limited and not everyone can get it. You feel very relieved that you are one of the chosen few. You put it on your shelf to read for later.. You smile at it every once in a while when you pass by your book shelf. You like how it looks like in your room. It feels very "you." But you struggle in finding time to read it. It spends so much time in your shelf that looking at it makes you feel a bit guilty now, and it dampens the feeling it once gave you.

When we buy things, getting the thing is just the first step to the experience of having it. For the item to fulfill you, it must be used according to the purpose it was made for.

The more we forget about the value of what's already there, the more we accumulate more of the same things. We start hoarding, uhm..."collecting" things that kind of just sit there, gathering dust.

Now stop thinking of the sweater and the book, and start thinking about advice you've gotten, read, stumbled upon, through the years. This kind of behaviour isn't strictly reserved to stuff we have in our rooms or houses. Beyond the physical realm, a lot of us have a habit of hoarding unused wisdom. In the sacred room that is our brain.

You receive it, and feel very enlightened to be someone who has this wisdom in their possession, but fail to use it. And so coming across this valuable piece of information becomes meaningless.

You know what I'm talking about right? There are figurative truckloads of overused quotes that you hear or read so much that they start to mean nothing. There are so many nuggets of wisdom that are quite universally familiar to the common person. And yet... Well, look at our world. Heck, just look at your Facebook feed.

Everyone knows they need to value their time more than they value money. Everyone knows that not all available knowledge is verifiable truth. Everyone knows how important empathy is. And yet... And yet.

The thing is, this is difficult for all of us. The second step after acquiring a good -which is actually using it- isn't always natural to us. And it's doubly hard to use advice and wisdom, because at least for our belongings, we are physically reminded that we have them, by their mere presence. It's far more difficult to do this to the contents of our brain and the behaviour that stems from it. Self-Awareness is the trickiest part of self-improvement.

Tricky because it's unlikely to be triggered to even really stop and think about it. There are no obvious signs that point to a lack of self-awareness in ourselves, even though it's easy to see it from other people. But if one feels that they've received so much good advice and yet their situation feels dis-aligned from what this wisdom was supposed to cure, it's pretty safe to say that they've probably been hoarding and not using.

I find this in my own life plenty of times. There are moments of clarity and peace, but every once in a while, because our lives naturally have ebbs and flows, I look at the state of my mind and my life and just go:

Then I'll have to gather myself, and try to focus on just a few nuggets of wisdom and really work on implementing them. Intently, whole-heartedly, self-criticisingly. It's always really messy and painful and humbling, but I always feel better, more together afterwards.

I'm currently undergoing a 90-day project after going to Arriane Serafico's workshop: I'm trying to create content regularly. And I have been struggling. In trying to come out of the rut, I find that using advice that I've known for a long time works just as well as looking for new inspiration. Especially if I've lost touch with the "old" advice. I just have to dust it off, and try it on again. It takes lots of practice and repetition before I feel like I've really learned and used a lesson and not just acquired it, and that first one is the secret to making the advice valuable at all.

It's easy to share a picture with a quote on it when it seems to make sense and is clever. But to be honest, a lot of the time, the people I see who do this very often, and with very varied (not ideologically-aligned) content, I've observed, seem to contradict themselves a lot, or seem to not really apply the wisdom to their lives, or worse, seem to have a habit of preaching, being offensive, or sub-posting (nagpaparinig in Filipino). While the people who do it less often seem to "curate" these pieces of wisdom and have them align with the way they live. They are not swayed by something just because it sounds clever, if they don't believe it. I think it might have to do with a person's relationship and openness to wisdom. Sometimes people like to skim the surface and be entertained or amused, or to criticise, and shame, while other times, they want to embody, teach, and share. Or maybe it has more to do with how careful a person is about what they impart to the world (some of those people I mentioned earlier post a lot of unverified "facts", too. haha.)

It is very easy to find faults in others, but hard to see them in yourself for the same reason that it's easier to make an inventory of what you own in your house VS what memories you have in your brain. We can see, hear, sense these faults around us, because we encounter these people and observe them. There are observable signals from outside ourselves that trigger our conclusions. The only way to observe ourselves is to make a point to do so. It rarely comes from the outside, and if it comes from other people, it's painful and will likely make us too defensive to make a real change.

So where do we start? First of all, when you see a quote that starts with "Some people..." Stop yourself from immediately thinking that you're not one of those people before you even read it. We always think we're on the right side of everything until we are proven wrong. It is very important to try to jump at any occasion to better oneself, before immediately thinking of someone else the advice must be useful to. Nobody wants to be that person who pushes their views, criticises and preaches to everyone but is unaware that everyone else thinks they don't follow their own advice. It also reminds people of advice they think you could use, if you get very critical and preachy to everyone else.

Second, think of the things that make you unhappy that you feel you have no control over. Then, think of the ways you can influence it. Accept that even though a lot of life is about luck, and social systems make it so that it's harder for some people than others, there's a way for you to make it at least a little bit better, and do that thing. This isn't to say that you shouldn't criticise the people that might be responsible, like, it's healthy to criticise some things, like the government, corporate greed, bad parenting or whatnot, but don't stop there and just give up. Do something from where you are. Every little bit helps. Everyone wishes someone else had done something, and yet they don't do much themselves.

Also, word to the wise: as much as you might think someone isn't criticising themselves, don't blatantly tell anyone that they never do. We don't fully know each other's inner journeys and if you happen to accuse someone of this who's actually undergoing a lot of self-criticism at the time, they might just stop trusting you. If you feel it is needed, maybe suggest it as a gentle nudge or ask it as a question. Don't assume!

Lastly, beyond understanding newly-acquired Golden Nuggets of Wisdom (or even old ones, because I'm sure you have a lot of gems in there that you haven't used to their full potential), try and find ways in which they apply to your own life, and think of specific behaviours you have that you could change accordingly. This part is very difficult for me, but I'm slowly learning to make my actions match my thoughts. The key is to keep trying, keep practicing, do it wrong, see what went wrong, change accordingly, fail better, keep applying again and again, keep learning, and to never give up. Or, to try again after every single time where you do give up, because ~even the best fall down sometimes~. 

It's never too late! Let's all do this together!

What Love Could Feel Like

Guess what! Beardy and I are celebrating our Fifth Year Anniversary today!!! Yes, five whole years of being in each other's lives. It's a little crazy to think about! To celebrate, we filmed a vlog together doing The Boyfriend/Relationship Tag:

And on my own, I want to share some insights that I've gathered and observed to be things that need the most sharing from people who have experienced a nurturing, stable kind of love to people who are looking, or have been perhaps going after the kind of love that isn't really what they want in the end. In things that are common among us humans, we need to have a better line of communication in order to guide each other. That's what I think.

And love is a pretty common goal in people's lives. Humans are vastly preoccupied with romantic love. Not everyone, of course - but a lot of us are. We can philosophize about why this is so, but for most of us it's a very real, very deep-seated need, and done the right way, it can do a lot of good to a person. But it's as if we are used to being preoccupied with only the stage where it is sought, and when we have it, we are preoccupied with fixing it because a lot of the love we find is broken. I observe this a lot in the way that we often speak about love. How it feels. How it hurts. It's lead me to think that maybe we are made to have the wrong expectations about what it is, what it should be. I feel like maybe in a large extent, we are being made to look for the wrong kind of feeling in our search for love. I sure had the wrong expectations before befriending Beardy. I was looking for, and kept crashing head-on towards an idea of it that was simply unsustainable. Luckily, even without realising it at the time, starting a friendship with Beardy five years ago today eventually led me away from a long, painful path towards a really nice easy-going one so that I could, you know... Start worrying about other things. Life is about so much more than finding a partner after all.

Like being able to act like dumdums together once you've found each other.

Love shouldn't feel like competing to be the best one around in order to deserve being loved. It should feel secure, like the decision has been done. You should treat each other in a way that makes you feel confident and secure in your relationship. It shouldn't feel like a constant competition, like you always have something to prove. You should be able to show your whole self, not just the best parts. To be accepted for the good and bad, and to accept your partner wholly as well.

Love shouldn't be something we brace ourselves for, and reserve our strength for, but rather, something that gives us strength, and is a safe place to rest in in times where we are weak. Love should give us strength, not take it away from us. Yes, sometimes challenges may come that will need us to be strong, but it shouldn't come from the way we treat each other. I've observed that some people in relationships tend to fight and bicker a lot - about things big or small, and I think this causes a lot of lovers to have their guards up when they are around each other. I think it should feel like you are coming from the same place from every time you wind down, and face the same direction out to the world, together. The space you create should feel safe and nurturing, not like a battlefield.

Love shouldn't feel like the goal, the happy ending. It should feel like a beginning. It should improve your life in many ways, and not be the end goal. It should be a source of your energy, and the light to your way for the rest of your life.

Why "doing what you love" isn't just self-indulgence

There recently had been backlash towards the "Do What You Love" philosophy, the way of thinking that promotes pursuing your passion instead of financial pursuits or prestige. This way of thinking had been deemed classist and inconsiderate of people who simply cannot live day to day without juggling three jobs to make ends meet, or people who are locked down in their jobs because of loan debt or other crises, among others.

For the most part, I agree. The backlash, as I understand it, targets people who offhandedly attempt to suggest that doing what you love is possible for anyone, and people who don't do what they love are somehow wrong or at fault for having the lives that they do. This is not true at all - it is short-sighted and simply obnoxious to try and prescribe this to everyone and anyone who is unhappy without looking at their particular situation. 

However, for people who do have the ability to choose, I do think that there are colossal merits to trying to pursue this ideal. I feel that too many people feel as if pursuing their passions is somehow self-indulgent, just because not everyone else is given the same opportunity as they are.

I think this way of thinking helps those people just as much as eating all of the food on your plate when you were a child helps all the starving children in the world...

Hint: it does not...

It just makes you guilty, and possibly nauseous.

“I really believe that the world needs more people working on things they love.” 

-Arriane Serafico

When we do something that we love, we simply have more spirit fuel to try and do this thing in the best way we can, and for longer. And we are more likely to be spiritually awake when we do things we love rather than when we do things we feel obliged to do that we dislike. When I say spiritually awake, I mean that state of genuine engagement with your work where you are more likely to think creatively, to think of the moral implications of the work you put out, to feel involved in this work, and to feel like it is something you will be proud of putting forth into the world, when you're at the end of your life. Instead of feeling like a passive cog or gear in a machine that you have no real control over.

Disclaimer: When I say love, I don't mean simple enjoyment, which can fade after your calling becomes your job or when the going gets tough. I mean love as in fierce love - when you believe in your heart of hearts in the value of something, and you treasure it no matter what; much like the love we have for people in our lives.

Of course, it is possible as the intelligent and dynamic beings that we are, to simply choose to have this mindset, to be spiritually awake, in whatever it is that we are already doing. So if you're in a particular occupation or field right now that you don't really particularly despise, but you wouldn't say that it has really been "what you always wanted to do" either, if you're somewhere in between, then give passion a real shot in whatever it is! Get obsessed with it. Learn more about it. Try to see if you can be more passionate in whatever it is that you do everyday, and heighten the experience! And if you are already in there but have lost your passion, try to get it back. Remember, it goes both ways: Do what you love, love what you do.

But if you are, like me, at a place in your life where you're just about to choose what it is that you'll be doing, give yourself a favor and truly consider work that will make this passion occur spontaneously. Skip a step. Get to that place where you can be passionate and therefore make better work that much quicker. It will not only be a favor to you in this way, but clearly, through playing to your passions, (which would then through sheer force of love and will, be your strengths) a favor to whoever it is you would be serving through your work. 

Here is a video from The School of Life (a recent gem I discovered!) that attempts to guide one in one's pursuit of finding fulfilling work. I'm in the process of applying this advice myself, and found it very refreshing and comforting, so I want to share it with you, because I'm grateful that you're here reading my blog, which is currently where my passion is. Haha!

Hope to see you again here soon.

Inside Out and how Empathy lets Joy "Grow Up" (and its parallelisms with Hector and the Search for Happiness)

*slight spoiler warning*

Inside Out reminds me of Hector and the Search for Happiness.

In this film, Simon Pegg's character Hector starts out pretty unhappy even though he is quite well off. He feels very meh about his very comfortable, "tidy" life. He is a psychiatrist and he listens to his clients' stories with emotional detachment. He tries to find meaning in his life and goes traveling, being the privileged individual who can afford it that he is.

I highly recommend this film for good vibes, by the way.

There is a moment in this film that keeps coming back to Hector, when he finds himself under Tibetan prayer flags, and he hears a voice saying that it takes all of the different colors. It takes all colors.

In Inside Out, this concept is illustrated through the five emotions in Riley's head. At first, it seems as though Joy is the only positive, functional emotion. I'll try not to spoil Hector, but at the end of both movies, the lesson is clear: processing, or working with the other seemingly negative emotions is the way to sustain Joy's functionality. We should not suppress "negative" things, but deal with them and let them allow us to empathise with each other, so that happiness can have meaning. 

As children, for us who are privileged enough in terms of where we live, our world is kept small and simple. At this stage, it is easy and natural for Joy to be the only emotion we come across often. But as we grow up, our world becomes bigger. We are made to deal with a lot of uncomfortable changes in our own lives, and we see the state of the rest of humanity. We also hopefully start to understand other people better, and we are pressured more to take other peoples' feelings into account. A lot of people cannot choose to live without these negative feelings as a result of their life's circumstances, or mental/psychological capabilities, or the experiences they've had.

Even though Inside Out and Hector demonstrate the same concept in very different life stages, both stories put Joy in charge, and allow her to work with the others. Joy is in charge, because it motivates us to keep going on so that we can make things better.

 Both stories attempt to teach the lesson that a meaningful life, one we can be happy to look back on, requires us to be open to all emotions and not suppress pain and discomfort when they come. Processing and going through all of them together, "all the colors", and not clinging too much to joy and comfort so much that it loses all meaning. 

Joy in itself is a dead end, if we don't put it in context with the other emotions. We need to use joy to propel us to ease each others' pain, and our own.. But only after we open our eyes and hearts to find out where that pain is.

Movie Rating: 4 STARS. Really cool, but makes me really want a sequel to feel like it's enough.

Two-faced Hope

Each day is like a bite-sized summary of how my life has been as a whole (at least, so far). I entered this world with my eyes full of stars, with my head held high. My conviction and confidence clear and solid and easy to see. But that was back when the world around it was still hazy, and I understood little. A hazy, misty, blissful, blue dawn. I was a streak of black ink; brazen, bold, standing out. But the background doesn't stay hazy for very long in anyone's life.

We start learning things; seeing the world around us. How big it is, how small we are.. How little we can change. What's worse, it becomes clear how hard it is to stay in control as we grow up and build habits, good and bad. And how much of living can become automatic and prescribed and inauthentic.

 The world is coming clearer to me in streaks. A sunset so full of color and vibrancy. My voice, once so strong, turns into an uneasy whisper. My hopes become like smoke, dull among the brightness of all life. 

They say happiness is all about managed expectations. And my hopes were too high yet empty. I dreamt of ziplines so high that where I am now, starting from the ground to make mounds from the ground to step on instead, seems so unexciting. But mounds of dirt can make hills, and maybe even mountains someday. Mounds of dirt are what makes ziplines even possible.

I was too sure in my blindness, too complacent in that hazy view, that now that things are clearer, the vibrancy of the vast sky brings me fear. I don't want to be afraid. Instead of being weak and quiet smoke, I want to become a cloud. To ride the sunset and to be a part of the vibrancy itself.

It's Hard to Write When I'm Happy

This is a brilliant piece by Sarah Kay that freakin' spoke to me. Or rather, more accurately, felt like I ...spoke it. I found it unbelievable how true it was for me. Mostly because it was literally the first thing I clicked on random when I decided to check more of her stuff out.

Lately, especially since the recent literary trend of "hugot" became popular (which is a filipino word for pulling something out from somewhere) in the local scene, I've been feeling out of place as a writer. It is where you basically express bitterness and hurt from your own life (usually lovelife) through innocuous posts that look like general advice or insight at first glance. Kind of like subtweeting, but you're subtweeting your own life.

When I was younger, all of my work came from a place of hugot. Seems that the more hurt I was, the easier it was to squeeze out some songs and poems and whatnot. Out of necessity, if you will. They made me feel saner and gave a sense of purpose for the mental turmoil.

I watched this performance and it came together in my head. For better and for worse, I've grown into a state of mind that this form of art no longer is a necessity that my mental peace depends upon.

Writing has been a way for me to pick my own head and emotions apart, to process reality and also the less-real monsters that only exist in my head. I used to have to do all that on my own, but now it's as if Beardy has become a constant sounding board and confidant. I definitely don't believe that I feel less things and therefore write less things. In fact, I feel more things now. It's easier for me to cry now, and easier to laugh. It's like that age-old adage that says that the more room you make in your heart for sadness, the more room it also has for happiness and love. Or something like that anyway.

In fact it was with Beardy that I first shared this realisation. I showed him the video and told him it's what's been going on with me. At first he was like, wow that was really nice and well-written. Then after a beat.. Wait, how do you relate to it?

And I said (and please excuse the nauseating cheesiness of language, because I'm pretty straightforward with him with my feelons):

"like hurt and anger and dejection fueled my writing
but i found peace and comfort in you
and often feel glazed [i meant like drunken-like smiling here, im now aware that it's not what glazed eyes signify, haha] and writing has stopped being a primal need
there's no emotional scab to pick at anymore"

And that last line felt insightful to me in a way that I used to feel about my writings and I realised that I still use my words in that kind of heart-baring, fizzy-head causing way. But I don't write it in blogs and notebooks much, going around and around in circles replaying things in my head, burning holes through memories until all that's left are the blackened and incomplete ugly parts and burnt fingers. Instead I do it with him, and my friends, and alone, in my own head. But unlike before, I don't overthink my emotions as much and it's lead me to become a more stable person.

Instead, I've been more likely to stay silent and think about things as they are, or better yet, to just... try and experience and know life as it is right now. Where am I right now? Who am I? What's the next step? What should I do? How much am I enjoying this? How can I express my love more? It's still imperfect, and still involves too much time in my head as opposed to just being, which is the ultimate goal, but it's a step closer.

In thinking about this I also got reminded of a poem I wrote about Beardy a few years back, upon observing that even though my usual "move" when I get infatuated with someone was to write them songs, I actually just end up drawing him. (I've written maybe a couple songs for him, but nothing that stuck and I honestly can't remember them! I think I'm really aging, or just not as impressed by my own work anymore as to remember every single thing I make.)

i sketched this while watching him sleep on Skype. i called it Chasing You While You Sleep. STAP JUDGING MEEEEEEE~

I loved all of them with words

I sang to their shapes in my memory foam head

I wrote stories around the ghosts they left

But you, I like to draw you instead.

Loving you is silent.

Tracing your forehead, your chin and your nose

No need for composing melodic weeping

True love doesn’t dream, it knows. 

[13.10.2012]

I can feel you cringing all the way from here. Are you done? Good.

Moving on. even though it's mostly been a positive experience ending up this way, I would still like to eventually find a way to not need to have writing be a thing that I absolutely must do to not be sad. That would make sadness a prerequisite. I would like to write to write, because I think it's the core practice that brings my interests together, and it's the thing that can express the meaning behind all the other things that I do that don't have writing as an element. I feel that I've lived too long using it as a way to just be okay because I wasn't, and I'd like to elevate my experience in a way that I strive for more than that in a more automatic way. I want working harder and creative more frequently to be part of my nature again, even though it's not needed in an urgent, grasping way. I don't want to live mostly on autopilot anymore. And I have been trying lately, and yet the results seem very small.

But that's the thing that makes being present really helpful to me right now. Instead of focusing on that fact, I am able to let myself experience the journey itself and accept it when it is slow and difficult and frustrating, and keep at it anyway.

After all, it's not like I have anything better to do!