Tricycle Therapy aka Dealing with my Demons in the Dark

Coming home today I had a nice talk with Beardy. It was one of those talks where what you say just unfolds by itself, sort of a live epiphany in front of a one-man audience.

It helped that we were in the dark, in a cramped tricycle, loud motor running, me buzzed from sitting all day making* art. I felt like bursting, and was in a safe space to do so.

I told him about how I think I've been avoiding being "seen" for a long time, because I wasn't comfortable with myself.

Being "seen" as in leaving any sort of impression. At first I claimed that I didn't want to leave any strong impression on anyone, and so I feel scared when people seem to get a whiff of my critical/agit side (I attempt to mask this by showing my kooky/awkward side so people know I don't bite) but I suddenly realised that I was trying to not make ANY impression at all.

Thus I had an aversion to speaking my mind without being asked (by name, not as part of a crowd), or to volunteer for things, or to make friends with people I liked or admired.

But recent developments had made it so that I've been spending more time with those people, and so it's becoming very unlikely for them to not have any impression of me. And so this provided a stark contrast from how things were just a year ago, which made the reasons, I guess, bubble up to the surface.

let's provide a visual! the oil = deep seated issues. they were stuck to the bottom when i was socially empty and friends = water!! 

It's because I have an ideal self, and I know I'm far from being her as of yet.

My ideal self would be kind enough to speak her mind, ask questions when in doubt of what someone says, but sound calm and reassuring enough that the person wouldn't feel attacked. But that takes a lot of nerve. It takes a very calm person. And I'm typically a very nervy person.

I get too nervous when speaking up around people because I'm overly either sensitive or imaginative about what they would think or how they'd feel of/about what I say.

It's kind of funny to realise this now, at a point in my life where I've supposedly very decidedly stopped caring what other people think about me. But now I realise that that only goes as far as my appearance. I don't care about being ugly, fat, or hairy. But I do care about being kind.

Beardy reassured me that it's already a lot for me to be so ambitious about being a better person, instead of being too happy about who I already am. I told him I admired him and others, who felt comfortable to be seen as who they are. Comfortable about people knowing their impatience, pickiness, all of their glorious idiosyncrasies, but he said he admired that I'm aware of mine and would like to improve upon them instead of settling.

I'm realising that perhaps I've reached the point of no return. There are things to be worked on that could only be worked on under the lamplight of the company of other people. I may feel like I got it together when I'm alone or unstimulated, when my mental, emotional and physical energies are untapped and thus feel abundant. I did feel like I was searching for a "flowier" state of being, rather than the safe and stagnant shell I felt I was in. Maybe I'm here now. Maybe this is how it will feel for a while.

I will feel more watched, my palms and feet will be sweaty, but I'd be learning and relating to other people more, at an exponential rate. I will feel misunderstood, I will feel scared about perhaps having said the wrong thing, but this way, I'd be able to reach and help more people, with whatever I'm called out to do. I'd be nervous because I care, and uncomfortable like I'm in a tricycle.

And maybe sometimes, that's the kindest thing to be.



 (*term used loosely: our mentor tells it's just copying because the composition is directed) 

Post-LDR Weirdnesses

Raise your hand if, like me, you're in complete disbelief that it's already friggin' April.

This message Emmy left on the bathroom mirror is a month old now 0.o

Wha---?

That means I met him sixty-five months ago now, and he's been living ~on shore~ (lol) for nine months by next week!

That's four (and a half) times as long as any other time that we've been together in our five year long relationship.

Life has been tough and it hasn't been all butterflies and rainbows, but the thing is, it doesn't have to be for love to be awesome. In fact, that's how it gets a chance to prove its awesomeness - when life gets tough around you, and your love, instead of crumbling in the pressure, just gets tougher and denser in the thick of it all too.

*cue cheesy picture with light effects pa*

But check yourself if you imagined the process to be a dramatic one - heroic struggles with knights, villains, and romantic suffering. If there's anything I've learned about love standing the test of time, it's that it does so through ease and lightheartedness, in moments of silliness and laughing at the same things. In being very good in talking, experiencing little moments together, and being each other's best friend.

I don't know why but I just felt like this picture of a cute potato seal we found while grocery shopping together belonged here.

 Over time, I found that in the imaginary venn diagram of things we find funny, Beardy's circle and my circle have progressively converged more and more, and for the areas where they couldn't, our circles made up for it by straining new space in the middle for things that shouldn't even be considered as funny to make way for gems including:

• horrible, HORRIBLE puns in all languages possible
• intendedly incorrect exchanges that we do for fun/out of habit (ex: "i love you so much!" "I love you too, so much!" ; "thank you, please" "thank you too, please." -maybe these don't seem too strange, but we have a special accent for them that I noticed we use on each other a lot)
• etc (that's all I'm going to say because I don't think it's proper to elaborate on how much we talk about poop)

this pun, not intended. i just think this, too, belongs here somehow.

So yeah. Overall, we might be struggling on the life front, but I'm happily learning that even though life can give you many reasons to be dramatic, love doesn't have to be one of those things. I wish I could reach out to my younger self to tell her this, because I could have saved myself so many tears, insecurity, and time spent yearning for a perfect romantic scenario, which, to be honest, as I see it now, doesn't look at all that fun in the end.

You don't have to be each other's everything, but you can be each other's person-to-share-everything-with. You don't have to fight about differences or ignore them altogether but instead develop a healthy habit of talking and arguing constructively. You don't have to figure everything else in your life out before being together. Just be responsible, and encourage each other to do be better and to pursue what's fulfilling and makes each other happy. It might be near impossible to get a perfect scenario, but keep looking to work on a better scenario each and every time.

What you lack in natural attitude tendencies, make up for with a willingness to understand and accommodate each other's shortcomings. Keep working on your communication skills.

And lastly, instead of trying to be perfect for one another, just choose to be the unconditional, lucky witness and celebrator of each other's type of weird.

What Love Could Feel Like

Guess what! Beardy and I are celebrating our Fifth Year Anniversary today!!! Yes, five whole years of being in each other's lives. It's a little crazy to think about! To celebrate, we filmed a vlog together doing The Boyfriend/Relationship Tag:

And on my own, I want to share some insights that I've gathered and observed to be things that need the most sharing from people who have experienced a nurturing, stable kind of love to people who are looking, or have been perhaps going after the kind of love that isn't really what they want in the end. In things that are common among us humans, we need to have a better line of communication in order to guide each other. That's what I think.

And love is a pretty common goal in people's lives. Humans are vastly preoccupied with romantic love. Not everyone, of course - but a lot of us are. We can philosophize about why this is so, but for most of us it's a very real, very deep-seated need, and done the right way, it can do a lot of good to a person. But it's as if we are used to being preoccupied with only the stage where it is sought, and when we have it, we are preoccupied with fixing it because a lot of the love we find is broken. I observe this a lot in the way that we often speak about love. How it feels. How it hurts. It's lead me to think that maybe we are made to have the wrong expectations about what it is, what it should be. I feel like maybe in a large extent, we are being made to look for the wrong kind of feeling in our search for love. I sure had the wrong expectations before befriending Beardy. I was looking for, and kept crashing head-on towards an idea of it that was simply unsustainable. Luckily, even without realising it at the time, starting a friendship with Beardy five years ago today eventually led me away from a long, painful path towards a really nice easy-going one so that I could, you know... Start worrying about other things. Life is about so much more than finding a partner after all.

Like being able to act like dumdums together once you've found each other.

Love shouldn't feel like competing to be the best one around in order to deserve being loved. It should feel secure, like the decision has been done. You should treat each other in a way that makes you feel confident and secure in your relationship. It shouldn't feel like a constant competition, like you always have something to prove. You should be able to show your whole self, not just the best parts. To be accepted for the good and bad, and to accept your partner wholly as well.

Love shouldn't be something we brace ourselves for, and reserve our strength for, but rather, something that gives us strength, and is a safe place to rest in in times where we are weak. Love should give us strength, not take it away from us. Yes, sometimes challenges may come that will need us to be strong, but it shouldn't come from the way we treat each other. I've observed that some people in relationships tend to fight and bicker a lot - about things big or small, and I think this causes a lot of lovers to have their guards up when they are around each other. I think it should feel like you are coming from the same place from every time you wind down, and face the same direction out to the world, together. The space you create should feel safe and nurturing, not like a battlefield.

Love shouldn't feel like the goal, the happy ending. It should feel like a beginning. It should improve your life in many ways, and not be the end goal. It should be a source of your energy, and the light to your way for the rest of your life.

Post-LDR CaNoodling

Hello blog I've missed you!!! Just passing by to show you this vlog Beardy and I made together. Foodventure Time: Buldak Bokkeum Myeon. It might turn into a series, we'll see. But I do want to start making Youtube videos. Both conceptual stuff and more vlogs like this about our life post-LDR. You know, our life together after being a long-distance couple? Cos yep! We aren't long distance anymore! Beardy has finally arrived (In July) to stay. We're just a regular couple now, making it work.

Today we went to the Immigration Office to extend his Visa and may I just say, what a relief to be done with it! I was so stressed before going, but it all went super smoothly. Our local office was transferred to our huge City Hall and it was really good, fast, friendly service. I feel happy about my city.

We might be leaving it soon, though. It's more than likely that we will move out of the city when we find a place. But Santa Rosa will always be home :) There will just be new adventures to make, new places to discover! And I'll make sure to update you! For 90 days (since the 15th, but I'm only starting the real work today), I'm setting my mind to posting regularly on here and on Youtube. To give it a real shot! I just gave myself a couple of weeks to think about what to do. I haven't figured it out completely, but I set myself to start no matter what when September comes, so here we are!

It's good to be back!

Playing with myself

No, shh. I heard what I said. Don't even.

I just played a game of chess with myself.

On the palm of my hand. No seriously, this chess set is so adorable and tiny, I can play the game against myself on my hand. Here's another photo with an AA battery for size comparison:

While Beardy was here I really looked around for a tiny magnetic chess set and was so happy when we found one, only to realise nobody's going to play with me when he left.

I thought about doing this before, but I just thought it was impossible to play with myself. Until I tried it. And you know what? I enjoyed it! And I finished my first game!

The down side is that it's hard to make long-term schemes. Cos I have to sort of clear my head everytime I switch sides. Oh well. Better than just staring at the thing all sad cos it's so cute but I can't use it.

In case you were wondering who won, I did. Yay! (I wasn't kidding when I said I'd find any excuse to feel good about myself)

Me: Black won!

Him: Haha, congrats.

Him: And sorry for your defeat.

He gets it.

The Funny Frenchman

Hi internet! How is everyone doing? How was everyone's July? I somehow kept thinking it was August 1 for three days straight, which made life really confusing. I greeted Beardy two days in advance for our 33rd monthsary and I woke up today noticing that it's still our monthsary... I was like whaat? I guess time just goes a looooot slower without Beardy around. Because it's not nearly as fun! Three days felt like a whole week, while the two months he spent here with me felt like nothing at all. We did so much stuff, and I honestly had the best time of my life. But of course it ended all too soon!

But I'm not one to sulk. (Hehehe, at least not anymore. I didn't take it well last year when he left!) So I've been cheering myself up by watching a lot of Girl Code, re-playing some Plants vs Zombies, and downloading a bunch of other stuff to entertain me with to pass time in between bouts of job-hunting.

(I just noticed that it's been mentioned more than three times in my timeline that today feels like a friday.. HAS SOMEONE STOPPED TIME FOR EVERYONE AND MADE EVERYONE JUST REPEAT AUGUST 1??? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING lol)

yup my camera still has a problem

And now to cheer myself up further, I'm going to fondly reminisce about the funny shit that came out of Beardy's mouth during our trips.

i dunno, i find this picture hilarious. looks like a panic attack after finding out the zoo is closed (it wasn't, we were just early)

Backstory for first one: When we went to the indoor zoo, we found Jenny the orangutan lounging on her seat without her trainer. We were very eager, but shy and apprehensive about approaching her without supervision. But he slowly, very slowly approached her, making eye contact, and walking very slowly closer.. Until she offered him a finger and they did the ET thing:

yeah he has a way with animals

But then afterwards I got to take a picture beside her with her trainer there:

Me: Mine isn't as organic cos she was told to pose with me. Yours was a natural encounter.

Him: Yeah... A natural encounter... 
Him: With a monkey in a t-shirt.

The zoo was really nice, I would highly recommend it for anyone who's looking for one in Metro Manila!

here's a picture of a lioness breathing some dragonballs. just kidding. it's just reflections of lamps

There was only one thing I found to be not so great about it (aside from some sad-looking animals, but they weren't sad cos they're maltreated, it's just natural for wild animals to be uncomfortable in captivity, even with ample space and food!) ...At least, on the day we were there, they played current radio-circulation music and it just really didn't suit the surroundings.

Me: They should play jungle music instead...  Or African music.

Him: Yeah... Like Phil Collins. 

Beardy: bringer of funsies. whisperer of birdies.

And there was a time where we were sat down watching a movie in my room and he was caressing my shin, and he smiles at me very affectionately, and says:

Him: Even when you're a bit hairy your legs are very soft...

I think it's the non-ironic sincerity of it that made it really hilarious to me.

we regularly had movie nights/afternoons where we'd just make ourselves some iced drinks (with straws!) and popcorn or chips

We were reading the news and there were some awful, unacceptable racist behaviour going down and he was visibly upset by it:

Him: I wish there was a way to turn people black... You can punish neo-nazis by turning them black!

The last one's a bit harder to explain. I'll do most of it after the excerpt, but for now let it be said that we have a thing for puns and point-winking at each other to applaud good ones and that we've been trying to teach each other our mother tongues.

the nice people from Makati Apartelle did this really cute thing and chose somewhat a french theme for our kitchen decor and placemats XD

We were at the place we stayed at in Makati. He was on the bed and I was at the fridge and he said something like..

Him: Pass me the ice please.. Glacons.
Me: Small.. ice? Oh, like, ice cubes?
Him: Small cubs! Get it? Cos small bears ("ours") are oursons

Haha okay, okay I admit that one doesn't really translate well written down but it was adorable when he said it.

I feel like my Beardy is getting funnier and funnier as our relationship gets older. I dunno, maybe it's just our humours kind of adapting to each others'? Whatever it is, I'm loving it! Laughing burns a lot of calories, you know.

PS: I got a job at a call center nearby! It's not exactly related to my field, but it's a good start! I need to learn how to talk to strangers. That's a skill that's universal in its application. Would be nice to be paid to learn something you can really use :) Also, obviously I started writing this at the start of August and it's already the 9th so... Yeah.

❄ explain what crinkles are ♨

(x)

• Him: whats a crinkle again ? a biscuit ?
• Me: like a cookie/brownie thing.
• Me: like a cookie and brownie had prom sex
• Him: hahaha
• Me: and threw the baby in a powdered sugar dumpster
• Him: is that the thing with the funny surface that you explained to me when i was there ?
• Me: haha! yes i think. if you remember cracks on the surface then yes
• Him: yes thats the one

EDIT: I read this today.. it's been a while since I've read a motivational article that actually does it for me! what do you think?

"like rain outside when you're cozy in bed"

Just Good Friends by James Needham

me: i really really love this 
and it makes me giddy
but i just found out the title and it made me a little sad.
him: why sad?
me: the title is "Just Good Friends".
him: hahaha weeird
me: it's so sad.
him: bah, not our problem, we have the best thing
me: yup! but its nice to feel sad for those kinds of situations
because you always end up being happy for what you have
him: hahaha yup, to me it's like rain outside when you're cozy in bed

one very important tip i got from the happiness project is feeling gratitude instead of disillusion after sympathizing with "bad" circumstances that you don't find yourself in presently.

it makes the beauty of what you do have more magnificent and beautiful.

I love having him in my life, and he makes it so so worth it even if we have to be far from each other for a couple years more. :)

remember when.. (a hairy tale..or tail)

I like sifting through the pictures and videos that we have accumulated during Emmy's vacation/staycation. Most of the videos are acts of "cambush" on my part (get it? camera+ambush=cambush) which kinda make them funnier. Here is a video of me harassing him during a game of Happy Wheels:

Santa Claus is magic.

I read in The Happiness Project about the importance of saving happy memories. During the aforementioned days wherein I would dream at night about losing him or him leaving, (by the way last night I dreamt about him again, but this time it was a good dream! Just us kissing. It was a foot-poppin kiss.) I noticed that I lacked happy memory tapes in my braindeck. The book did say that sad people tend to remember sad things. And I admit to having been a sad person lately. So I decided to brush up on my happy-memory saving-and-remembering skills!

Even with the pictures, a lot of them serve as evidence of me harassing him. One of the perks of being someone's girlfriend! Here is when I jedi-braided his hair around his birthday:

He wasn't generally unhappy about what I'd done, I just picked this photo cos the look on his face is hilarious.

See?

I like Emmy's hair, I like how much it contrasts from mine. His hair is really fine and wavy and ranges from foozyfuzziefrizzy to angelic and mine is straight and thick and can hurt people. I'm not even kidding. I've whipped a couple of people by accident and even have gotten papercut-like wounds on my fingers from them.

We wonder from whom our babies will take after on this matter.

It was nice having someone with hair I can play with. Perks of having a boyfriend with long hair (AAAND THE BEST BEARD)!! And play with it I did! 

On his birthday, Emmy and I made some crêpes (I might make a separate post about this memory too!). He did most of the work, and I did most of the documenting: 

Poor creature awaiting what is to befall him

Poor Emmy is of course not used to how hot and humid it is in the Philippines, and he was sweating so much! I offered to put his hair up, a request met with variations of stern "no's"...

But it only takes one yes to make it happen...

Yeeeeee... my boyfriend, with his hair up and from behind, is a prettier girl than I'll ever be *3*

I  vaaaaageuly remember promising not to show his face online with this hairdo, but two months later I'm hoping that his desire for me to keep this promise has weakened as much as his desire for reminiscing has strengthened. 

VOILA!

THERE I made it tiny cos I'm the best girlfriend ever. Riiight? RIIIIGHT?

Emmy isn't really a crazy balls-out guy, he's very shy and reserved. So I want to take this opportunity to express how grateful I am that he lets me do what I please with him anyway. He's usually still and compliant and patient about it. For example, his "look" in the video is very douchebaggish and not him at all! He just didn't fight me when I insisted on putting his cap on backwards while he was playing something on the laptop:

My patient litol beardy <3 :')

Anyway, as much as this post may imply otherwise, he dishes it out as much as he takes it! Exhibit A:

We're just a delightful couple-o-goofballs.