tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76337882632311017352024-02-02T10:59:13.733+08:00☽★☾★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.comBlogger338125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-77169971436648941062021-01-26T09:59:00.000+08:002021-01-26T09:59:17.610+08:00I got a hunger<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvfuiUHUv6SjfPDd_AwRUyBS1ZFrLRPlN0AlJ8MwzBIm1hiC9gkSGEYWz9IbJMTgveGlWb89Zow7k-8M168akUUlcwdot56JkOwsE0biL7DUxub1-cpZIQQvfms-e_8H2jbZOvcVGiOyq6/s1009/kisspng-takeshi-kovacs-ouroboros-dragon-tattoo-art-avatan-plus-5c0ee63a52db07.6636779515444803143394.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1009" data-original-width="700" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvfuiUHUv6SjfPDd_AwRUyBS1ZFrLRPlN0AlJ8MwzBIm1hiC9gkSGEYWz9IbJMTgveGlWb89Zow7k-8M168akUUlcwdot56JkOwsE0biL7DUxub1-cpZIQQvfms-e_8H2jbZOvcVGiOyq6/s320/kisspng-takeshi-kovacs-ouroboros-dragon-tattoo-art-avatan-plus-5c0ee63a52db07.6636779515444803143394.png" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p style="text-align: center;"> pit deep bone deep soul deep</p><p style="text-align: center;">i try to kill it with food but it doesn't want to eat</p><p style="text-align: center;">it wants to satiate itself by consuming me like fire</p><p style="text-align: center;">is this why they call it a burning desire?</p><p style="text-align: center;">i've got a hunger to be used, like fuel to a flame</p><p style="text-align: center;">and in the ashes, find out what stays the same</p><p style="text-align: center;">i'm hungry but don't feed me, i don't want to be full</p><p style="text-align: center;">i'm hungry to be whetted so my blade won't dull</p><p style="text-align: center;">and use it to slice me and feed the soil of the earth</p><p style="text-align: center;">eat me to feed me, to my soul give birth</p><p><br /></p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-65857114613237462202021-01-15T11:48:00.001+08:002021-01-15T11:48:43.586+08:00deumbiliclation<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://c8.alamy.com/comp/DB7XAH/medicine-birth-gynecology-cutting-a-babys-umbilical-cord-wood-engraving-DB7XAH.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="638" data-original-width="800" height="319" src="https://c8.alamy.com/comp/DB7XAH/medicine-birth-gynecology-cutting-a-babys-umbilical-cord-wood-engraving-DB7XAH.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"> the child in me will always latch onto the next pressure point</div><div style="text-align: center;">though i long for release from external pressures</div><div style="text-align: center;">in their absence my mind automatically searches </div><div style="text-align: center;">for another womb to blame</div><div style="text-align: center;">for my softness and nakedness and inability to feed myself</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">let me be a toddler falling around on their knees</div><div style="text-align: center;">i want to scratch them on the surface as the muscles and joints strengthen inside</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">let me make noise and be ungraceful like it's to be expected</div><div style="text-align: center;">let me take all the steps rather than dress myself</div><div style="text-align: center;">as an adult whose adult clothes</div><div style="text-align: center;">are just another womb</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">let me be naked and rely on my own hands and feet</div><div style="text-align: center;">a child everlearning from every game's defeat</div><p></p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-23104198732042137232021-01-13T14:31:00.001+08:002021-01-13T14:31:07.152+08:00The older I get the more I wanna write<p> to write lives i've never lived</p><p>and slowly feel like i'm never going to be able to live</p><p>i want to write about a woman that does everything and has all the energy in the world</p><p>and constantly gives</p><p>someone who takes care of their dad on his deathbed and lets him tell them his life story before he passes on</p><p>my body is so tired, though i may be so young </p><p>there are stories i want to write that hopefully will pull me towards themselves</p><p>the un-impossible ones</p><p>creativity is a salve to my soul - a placebo in place of worlds lost, a preview to worlds that can still be, just not right now.</p><p>I've wasted so much time</p><p>but in a way, if i write</p><p>I might gain more timelines to live lives that are not mine</p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-73753889315837184352020-10-22T11:48:00.001+08:002020-10-22T11:48:14.606+08:00A Pointless Post about Dalgona Coffee<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3No2bgiUpiZZed5ATPQno5yjCAJ-8PPO_3DKr6YxLoq20VrQ_7Cx0FMFKyD65ifgLc8dv_eBybMLKfWW-t63yTb_-nt9LDOfMVWpSNH3-gIIYWUg4_Cp305QnZ4L2u1u7p8n0kNv5vBHL/s2048/IMG_20201022_102602.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3No2bgiUpiZZed5ATPQno5yjCAJ-8PPO_3DKr6YxLoq20VrQ_7Cx0FMFKyD65ifgLc8dv_eBybMLKfWW-t63yTb_-nt9LDOfMVWpSNH3-gIIYWUg4_Cp305QnZ4L2u1u7p8n0kNv5vBHL/s320/IMG_20201022_102602.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Dalgona Coffee will forever be tied to this time in my mind. <p></p><p>It's already started. I made one today and found myself <i>reminiscing </i>about the early pandemic days. Has it been that long already? I was struck by how distinct those days felt. There it is: a now and a then. A subtle line in time forming without me noticing until I looked back and saw it. </p><p>A few years from now, this <i>now </i>will get muddled up with that <i>then</i>. They will just be <i>the pandemic days</i>, altogether. </p><p>The closer you are in time, the more you remember how distinct moments are from each other. The farther you get, you zoom out, some moments stand out, as the capillaries of time, little moments, fade out until you only see veins. Big events. <i>A wedding, a pandemic. Both happened in my life this year.</i> Zoom out even more, and then there'll be arteries. <i>These are my early 30's.</i> And then, they all connect and there's just you. At the end, looking back. All of the <i>then's </i>are one. And there is only one <i>now</i>, as there always was.</p><p>Some things will stand out, and many of them from the beginning of the more distinctly defined phases, when everything felt so new. Before the pandemic, very few people wore masks. Even after the volcanic eruption. After the pandemic, people started making bread, caring for plants, and yes, at the very beginning at least, making Dalgona Coffee.</p><p>__</p><p>I have a frother that I use, but I've seen many people use forks. It takes time. It takes the right amount of curiosity and frustrated energy. We already knew what instant coffee tastes like, what sugar tastes like. What foam feels like. Yes, it's interesting to put together; but to spend so much time making it, only to mix it all up with the milk because the foam will be too sweet otherwise, tells us a lot about the quirks of humanity.</p><p>Sometimes, it's not about the end result, but about the process. Finding new ways to make things. Sharing something with others, no matter how far away. Trends allowed us to feel like there was still an <i>us </i>during this isolating time. </p><p>___</p><p>It's hard to feel like you're living in the moment, though that's really the only time you ever do live. It's easier to feel like you lived after the fact. That's a little sad, but there are ways to feel present during the moment. It just will never feel the same living something as it will looking back. </p><p><i>Nostalgia is not what it used to be.</i></p><p>Looking at your life and who you are, the memories are what you first see. They're at the very top. Foamy, sweet, strong, but on their own, they are both too much and not enough. You need the stillness and the blandness, and yes, ironic <i>richness </i>of the present moment. You need to let the foam mix and sink deep with the milk is hiding underneath. (Now milk, you can definitely drink on its own. But for many it is bland, because very few of us have the choice to start with a blank slate. We have known sweetness and bitterness before. In fact are you able to truly choose anything before your slate has been un-blanked?)</p><p>All of the reflecting on the past can only be done in every present moment, and so we never actually choose between the two. Our choice is to mix or not mix. And how much to mix them up.</p><p>Unmixed, you get strong memories that can sweep you away, leave you floating on the surface of every moment, until you have to take a sip of milk to temper it out. By meditating, dissociating from memories and being completely catatonic and removing all stimulation by staring at your immediate surroundings... - this is the type I have been drinking. It's quite an emotionally turbulent way to live life.</p><p>If I had enough self control and could choose, I'd choose to mix the way I mix actual Dalgona Coffee. Mixing at the very top, leaving some intense flavors suspended at the top, and some milk untouched at the bottom, make room for surprises, for the end. Consume with a spoon. <i>Take what you need, and be on your way, (and stop crying your heart out).</i></p><p>Of course I could just choose to, you know, just mix the sugar, coffee, and milk all up together, skip all of the frothing part. But I would argue, that though that may be fine for an actual cup of coffee, it's not a way to live life that is natural to humans. In this way, Dalgona Coffee demonstrates human nature pretty well: we could have definitely just taken life as it already was. Left nature completely alone. Kept wandering, scavenging, hunting, hiding, procreating, eating, and shitting. But no. What's natural for us, is to add to what's natural. In a way, we are what is actually <i>supernatural </i>about this world. We add to the natural. And yes, it often ends up going awry, but it's in our nature to try.</p><p>To look into history, though it may be long gone, to guide us in our way forward.</p><p>To collect knowledge and memories, and record them, for a future us, beyond our individual lifetimes.</p><p>To create art, be frivolous, and individualize to an astronomical extent, much more than other species can, because of our abilities to imagine and ideate. </p><p>It's always been about the process, and not the point for us. Because the absolute, objective, pre-human point is that we all die, and we will all keep trying to avoid it the best we can, for as long as we can. But the process is that we get to live out moments, and remember them, even when they are gone, and imagine moments that have not yet come. And we so we get to choose the point. That's the real point. Or at least, what we've so far chosen it to be.</p><p>That we are human beings with human doings and human thinkings, but first and foremost, we are human <i>beings</i>. At least for a little while. We get to make our coffee however way we like it. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-29849194765982982432020-10-20T10:17:00.001+08:002020-10-20T10:17:18.969+08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blog.etemetaphysical.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/floweroflife.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" src="https://blog.etemetaphysical.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/floweroflife.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;">the world does not get smaller when you choose a part of it</p><p style="text-align: center;">it zooms in and more details refresh</p><p style="text-align: center;">a sphere made up of magnifying glasses</p><p style="text-align: center;">go into yourself, leave out the rest</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-47147217045548297322020-09-22T12:55:00.001+08:002020-09-22T12:55:53.649+08:00Self-ish Altruism<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmTGmfFXnx2lLl61v2oseTo-glEgpqFlCtkUi1evpQ8Qsh4K0vZzp7Cbokvim4DONczitEq3q_2qQiZQzC8TQqhm9smAsGJ2V3D_CTJa13jJpARYgAGj1tjIIR7TP7DsIYNtdkO3p0azdv/s884/holey.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="884" data-original-width="805" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmTGmfFXnx2lLl61v2oseTo-glEgpqFlCtkUi1evpQ8Qsh4K0vZzp7Cbokvim4DONczitEq3q_2qQiZQzC8TQqhm9smAsGJ2V3D_CTJa13jJpARYgAGj1tjIIR7TP7DsIYNtdkO3p0azdv/s320/holey.png" /></a></div><br />I don't mean using altruism as a way to serve the self, although there's definitely something to be said there. I mean approaching altruism from the self.<p></p><p>It's hard to find genuine concern and interest in the world beyond when we don't find a connection through ourselves. Empathy hinges on the motion of imagining oneself in another one's shoes. We must be able to imagine the pain within ourselves before we can sense that it must be taken away from another person.</p><p>When there is a lot of external pressures to "be altruistic", without using the path from inside, one would be taking action from a place of fear.</p><p>Fearing that they are selfish for not thinking of others, for not naturally feeling the urgency and gravity of other beings' needs. What results is action for the sake of action, of course, this is better than nothing in the grander scheme of things - many people doing the same thing for different reasons still results to many people doing the same thing. </p><p>But I think that this kind of altruism will not feel as fulfilling, and neither will it be easy to sustain.</p><p>What is important to you? What things are you able to do? What causes are you curious about? Do you feel that you have something to offer that could be of use to others? Start with that. </p><p>The man who has more coats at home is the one who is able to give away the one he is wearing to a person without a home, and spare a cold walk to his very own.</p><p>Fill your cup, and give from its overflowing.</p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-65540141002398027062020-09-08T14:35:00.001+08:002020-09-08T14:35:25.490+08:00<p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/JtGtqmC5wU4" width="320" youtube-src-id="JtGtqmC5wU4"></iframe></div><br /> <p></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/NvZi7ZV-SWI" width="320" youtube-src-id="NvZi7ZV-SWI"></iframe></div><br /><p></p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-44211490884852944722020-09-08T12:42:00.003+08:002020-09-08T14:36:38.811+08:00I solation<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://cdn.wallpapersafari.com/66/73/ZUhod6.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="800" height="360" src="https://cdn.wallpapersafari.com/66/73/ZUhod6.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"> Let me be in my suit, where I can breathe</div><div style="text-align: center;">Does this count as an escape?</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">When I was born in Earth's atmosphere</div><div style="text-align: center;">Not in the vacuum of space</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">I'll take my helmet off and see beyond it</div><div style="text-align: center;">When I find my way back home</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">For now let me float alone in my suit</div><div style="text-align: center;">My little Earth, in this void I must roam</div><p></p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-17148416149317040812020-09-07T20:19:00.003+08:002020-09-07T20:21:06.807+08:00Misfit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/64/70/45/647045393ec24194fe3c5c3255f91697.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="800" height="360" src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/64/70/45/647045393ec24194fe3c5c3255f91697.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p><p> I wish I loved you, perfect shoe...</p><p>You're beautiful but on me you don't fit.</p><p>There's nothing like you, perfect shoe</p><p>But for you and my foot, this is it.</p><p><br /></p><p>Whatever we cut, the toe or the heel,</p><p>the blood will show through the glass</p><p>Stay shiny and clean, wonderful shoe</p><p>Let me dirty my feet on the grass.</p><p><br /></p><p>I can't keep you just to put you on a shelf</p><p>Your beauty is meant to be worn</p><p>By a lady who missed you, yet to be found</p><p>From whose perfectly-sized foot you were torn</p><p><br /></p><p>I've danced with you on me, beautiful shoe</p><p>and we dazzled some innocent eyes</p><p>But to wear you I've strained, and I fear that you might</p><p>end up cracking for I'm the wrong size.</p><p><br /></p><p>I love you, dear shoe, and to honor you true</p><p>I will keep loving you from afar.</p><p>You will be a great memory, beautiful shoe</p><p>No matter on whose foot you are.</p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-60351102482233741672020-09-07T14:34:00.003+08:002020-09-07T14:34:35.976+08:00psychological tumor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/media/catalog/product/cache/2/small_image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/c/a/cancer_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="675" src="https://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/media/catalog/product/cache/2/small_image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/c/a/cancer_1.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>maybe you will find<div>the lumps you feel but can't find</div><div>are ones in your mind</div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: right;">teratomic lump</div><div style="text-align: right;">terrorific mental bump</div><div style="text-align: right;">toxified brain dump</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">you are not dying</div><div style="text-align: center;">malignant manifesting</div><div style="text-align: center;">is what you're sensing</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;">extract that tumor</div><div style="text-align: left;">chemotherapic humor</div><div style="text-align: left;">your sword and armor</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: right;">you are not that sick</div><div style="text-align: right;">paranoia is a tick</div><div style="text-align: right;">flick it, that's the trick</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">just get it all out</div><div style="text-align: center;">dissolve all the lumps of doubt</div><div style="text-align: center;">That's what it's about</div>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-77737267872098164592020-08-27T12:22:00.004+08:002020-08-27T12:23:12.525+08:00my heart is shouting || i can't mute it out<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/lAIGb1lfpBw" width="320" youtube-src-id="lAIGb1lfpBw"></iframe></div><br /> <p></p><p>but i'd rather be deafened by it than be without</p><p>the pounding of the drums</p><p>in my inside parade</p><p>will make my ears bleed</p><p>i can not dissuade </p><p>the music from playing</p><p>the beings marching out</p><p>i cut myself open</p><p>to see what it's about</p><p>it's a festival for me</p><p>my worlds have been hiding</p><p>for oh, so very long</p><p>and now they are emerging</p><p>starting with a parade</p><p>a startling stampede</p><p>the banging and crashing</p><p>makes me fall from my feet</p><p>everything's in disarray</p><p>but at least i'm coming out</p><p>i'd rather burst out open</p><p>than be stitched together by doubt</p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-8886389115967356452020-08-24T20:02:00.009+08:002020-09-08T15:16:22.466+08:00Pinky Toes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/7a3f714b-c8a5-48d8-96be-dab562bb9c28/ddjlcux-47cc13aa-f2b1-4df0-929d-bd4090630830.jpg/v1/fill/w_400,h_267,q_75,strp/crab_pinch_little_toe__by_artiste1222_ddjlcux-fullview.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3siaGVpZ2h0IjoiPD0yNjciLCJwYXRoIjoiXC9mXC83YTNmNzE0Yi1jOGE1LTQ4ZDgtOTZiZS1kYWI1NjJiYjljMjhcL2RkamxjdXgtNDdjYzEzYWEtZjJiMS00ZGYwLTkyOWQtYmQ0MDkwNjMwODMwLmpwZyIsIndpZHRoIjoiPD00MDAifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6aW1hZ2Uub3BlcmF0aW9ucyJdfQ.trPmj2zdgXuwGQhhyGH7bqgxUY6YTv0NEB4xmUDGhYY" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="267" data-original-width="400" src="https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/7a3f714b-c8a5-48d8-96be-dab562bb9c28/ddjlcux-47cc13aa-f2b1-4df0-929d-bd4090630830.jpg/v1/fill/w_400,h_267,q_75,strp/crab_pinch_little_toe__by_artiste1222_ddjlcux-fullview.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3siaGVpZ2h0IjoiPD0yNjciLCJwYXRoIjoiXC9mXC83YTNmNzE0Yi1jOGE1LTQ4ZDgtOTZiZS1kYWI1NjJiYjljMjhcL2RkamxjdXgtNDdjYzEzYWEtZjJiMS00ZGYwLTkyOWQtYmQ0MDkwNjMwODMwLmpwZyIsIndpZHRoIjoiPD00MDAifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6aW1hZ2Uub3BlcmF0aW9ucyJdfQ.trPmj2zdgXuwGQhhyGH7bqgxUY6YTv0NEB4xmUDGhYY" /></a></div><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">I feel
inwardly narcissistic and shameful of it, but I must allow myself to be, to let the
full extent of creativity flow.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">What is too
much self? The self gets in the way: both in thinking too much of itself, and in
prohibiting itself from showing too much of itself. ( ?? !!!)<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">As my life
is now, I don't feel free - <i>nobody is stopping me </i>from being myself, but the roles I
have taken up in my life constrict the flow of <i>me allowing myself. </i><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">The self is
a vessel of perception and truth. There is no way but through it, but we must also rise beyond it. What a dizzying task.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">I am creating
an environment where I can feel safe to let my negative feelings around using the
words “Me, Myself, I” <b>fall away</b>, and get to truth. Making space for myself, without judging, or self-flagellating.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">Art is
exploring truths - daring to get into a state of existence, rawness,
vulnerability, and emotion, (shamelessly), that may not be convenient or
practical. Yes, it is in the fringes of reality. Yes it is an escape. But
like bathing in the sea, there are ephemeral things that we have to momentarily experience to allow us to continue
with the everyday and essential with more ease, perspective, calm, freshness. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">I guess I'm finding out that I want to live beside the sea. Storms, sand, and all.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">Art is Caring
less about convention, diverging. Creating. Something new. Even if it’s essentially
useless or frivolous.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;"></span></p><blockquote><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Art is human.
Like wisdom teeth. Like pinky toes. On our way to being <i>this</i>, life gave us a little extra. But it's part of who we are.</span></span></blockquote><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;"> It may not be essential to the survival of
the body, but it is essential to the survival of will. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">At the end of my life, when I'm dying, this is the thing I'd wish I'd done if I don't. So the least I can do is let myself try.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-PH;">Make a mess.</span></p>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-40111421660907607962020-07-28T10:28:00.002+08:002020-07-28T10:31:55.337+08:00Read Yourself Like a Beautiful Book<div style="text-align: right;">
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<a href="https://s3.r29static.com/bin/entry/4e2/0,0,460,552/720x864,85/1272325/image.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="552" data-original-width="460" height="320" src="https://s3.r29static.com/bin/entry/4e2/0,0,460,552/720x864,85/1272325/image.webp" width="266" /></a></div>
<i>Etched on your skin</i></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>Is a long story</i></div>
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<i>Wrinkles of laughter</i></div>
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<i>Freckles of time in the sun</i></div>
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<i>Stretchmarks of expansion and contraction</i></div>
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<i>And every change in between</i></div>
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<i>Your skin is lined and dotted</i></div>
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<i>With evidence of your existing</i></div>
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<i>In many stories and places</i></div>
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<i>Many still to come</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>I hope you never want to erase yourself</i></div>
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<i>Though you may choose some of the writing</i></div>
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<i>I hope instead of scratches of anger,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>You choose ink, color, even piercings of healing</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>I hope you celebrate the canvas that you are</i></div>
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<i>I hope the lines, the marks, and even the scars</i></div>
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<i>Let you see yourself as a sacred book</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>One of many, but the only one of itself.</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>You are a work of art.</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
July 28 2020</div>
<br />★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-58063005060542742362020-07-27T20:02:00.002+08:002020-08-02T22:21:50.266+08:00The Big & Eternal Oof"Pick your sacrifice"<br />
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"What will you suffer for?"</div>
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I think I may have found, that what I'm ending up choosing, is the struggle of finding my place, or having to question my validity as a human being every so often, because of my refusal to pick my suffering. I want to agree that in order to find meaning you must suffer for a cause, but something inside me can't agree to it. Maybe because my cause is different?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel as if the meaning of my life is something I can only find by going deeper into the quiet dignity of just... being... and accepting when I am not able to do more --and maybe being able to comfortably sit in that space, where I can look it in the eye, the fact that there are many things I cannot do, or that I can only do many things a little bit, and continue to be, and live, and experience life day to day, maybe that is the "sacrifice" I will end up choosing.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe I'll never be proud of myself, in the most typical sense, and will just have to grow out of feeling like living up to whatever potential I may have thought I had. </div>
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<br /></div>
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But I know I'm able to be happy. I've been happy many times. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I'll just keep being here. Keep doing what's in front of me. Keep breathing, and keep going through.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I will keep my dreams. Maybe someday they will come true, but wherever I am is where I am,<br />
<br />
and I am not there, *not* yet... I will never be there. "There" does not exist.<br />
<br />
So I'll be here.<br />
<br />
Better and better each time.</div>
★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-65173814397086647122020-07-23T09:23:00.002+08:002020-07-23T09:23:35.506+08:00Go Bore Yourself<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Hu4Yvq-g7_Y/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Hu4Yvq-g7_Y?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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Trying this one out for size.</div>
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In a nutshell, when you're overstimulated, try to drop everything and do something REALLY BORING for a while to reset your brain a bit. I guess meditation does it a little bit too. Try to find something repetitive and uneventful and sustain it for a few minutes. This guy does things for a whole hour. Like watching the clock. That sounds very hard, but I can really imagine how it can work. For me, I'm going to meditate, make friendship bracelets, maybe do some handwork. Cleaning can be another thing. </div>
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I'm desperate.</div>
★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-4094540194978658862020-07-20T17:23:00.002+08:002020-07-20T17:23:59.443+08:00The Tao of Pooh<img alt="Winnie-the-Pooh - quiz | Children's books | The Guardian" src="https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/5241d79b2ed7797f3d3b91fd28762ad5691998dd/0_141_1143_686/master/1143.jpg?width=700&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=14c2f1b4c10b90869c7e9610bf8f5e0d" /><br />
<br />
<br />
This struggle is part of it. This struggle is part of what you must allow to unfold. It will often not feel like doing nothing. An active allowing.<br />
<br />
It's as much "floating" as you can do when the waves are trying to crash you down into the drowning deep. As much "floating" you can do while hanging from a balloon, being chased by bees.<br />
<br />
But it is allowing.<br />
<br />
You are allowing parts of you to become, through welcoming the ways they might hurt you and change you, maybe even improve you.<br />
<br />
I'm afraid the path of least resistance is not the path of least discomfort.<br />
<br />
Some discomforts are not to be avoided, if we truly are to open up to the ways of life.<br />
<br />
Breathe into the tight muscle, and <i>Namaste.</i>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-91523112020671678632020-04-02T14:27:00.001+08:002020-04-02T14:27:34.072+08:00Post-post-postSo! I forgot to write this update yesterday, but here are my takeaways after my experiment:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Choosing to delay net-negative tasks takes the pressure off. "I shouldn't do that" sounds final and scary and makes your <i>pleasure </i>feel threatened. But if you just delay it for ten minutes, it's less threatening. And if in those ten minutes you find something more fulfilling to do, then great! </li>
<li>It was unclear to me though, what to do, when the same urge comes after doing a more productive task. So I ended up doing one for an extended period of time. But the good thing is, I was able to truly enjoy it rather than feel nagged to stop the whole time.</li>
<li>The "ten minute" aspect of it isn't as important as just the act of delaying certain things and replacing them for a set period of time. The amount of time is arbitrary. It's the impulse to replace that makes more difference.</li>
</ol>
<div>
I will keep it short and leave it at that for now! Woop</div>
★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-14244857176367481072020-03-31T11:24:00.000+08:002020-03-31T11:31:48.532+08:00Wheezy Waiter's Ten Minute Rule ... AMPLIFIED<h1 class="title style-scope ytd-video-primary-info-renderer" style="background: rgb(249, 249, 249); border: 0px; color: var(--ytd-video-primary-info-renderer-title-color, var(--yt-spec-text-primary)); font-family: Roboto, Arial, sans-serif; font-weight: 400; line-height: 2.4rem; margin: 0px; max-height: 4.8rem; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px; text-align: center; text-shadow: var(--ytd-video-primary-info-renderer-title-text-shadow, none); transform: var(--ytd-video-primary-info-renderer-title-transform, none);">
<yt-formatted-string class="style-scope ytd-video-primary-info-renderer" force-default-style="" style="word-break: break-word;"><span style="font-size: small;">How to Stop Procrastinating With The 10 Minute Rule</span></yt-formatted-string></h1>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/5bVMkduWDGY/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5bVMkduWDGY?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
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I'm going to do an experiment on myself. </div>
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It is currently March 31 as I write part 1 of this whole thing. But I am going to do this challenge for the next day, and update this post with another post. A post-post-post.</div>
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If I remember.🤷</div>
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So, if you can't or don't want to watch the video attached, Craig's rule goes like this:</div>
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If there is something you have been having a hard time <i>habitualizing </i>in your life, that means, a good habit probably (hopefully...? otherwise .. why?), then tell yourself you'll just do it for 10 minutes, and then you can stop. That supposedly should:</div>
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1. Take some pressure off</div>
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2. If you get in the zone, and then have to stop, then you'll probably crave more. </div>
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He actually times himself doing the things and forces himself to stop.</div>
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I'm tweaking my version a little bit, because of the "Be Bea" rule, which is to adapt every advice to my own personality, guided by the self-awareness that I've been trying to develop keenly over the past decade or so. (I got this from Gretchen Ruben. Her rule is "Be Gretchen" obviously. Just like the concept, the name should change to yours! be! your! self!)</div>
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So here are my tweakies:</div>
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1.<b> If the action is important for someone else (like deadlines for work) I will not stop myself after 10 minutes, </b>and then reward myself after to replace the supposed "craving" that stopping should develop (here I'm applying the Reward aspect of habit formation according to James Clear). <b>If the action is just for me, then I will stop</b>.</div>
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2. This part is more crucial for me - the flip side! These days I am actually never bored. As an introvert, I enjoy time at home far too much and can find myself drawing, playing guitar, cleaning, cooking, eating, playing games, or watching videos, or reading the news, or watching videos about games, or listening to news playing in the background while playing, or eating while watching something, or reading something while listening to something (which I keep pausing because I keep missing things, obviously - I do these on autopilot so most of them are very dumb things to do) or playing a game while playing Info Videos about the same game in the background so I don't know if I'm actually being hit by Zombies or it's just the video in the background so I go on split-screen mode and the computer gets fried and spazzes out and lags just when an actual Zombie is around.</div>
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Wasn't that super aggravating to read? That's what my brain is like every day these days. So as I was SAYINGGGG, the second tweak is that <b>when a craving for a net-negative* action arises, I will tell myself "I will do it AFTER ten minutes" and do something relatively more useful for ten minutes. </b>(*net-negative because I don't feel like any of these enjoyable activities are inherently negative! They are just easy to do in excess~ which makes them ultimately nega)</div>
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3.<b> I will not use a timer</b>, because knowing myself, the hassle will prevent me from trying at all. I have a huge clock in my tiny apartment, and a clock on my screens. And two watches I can see. Dassit.</div>
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Now it will actually not be so easy to decipher if a craving is pushing me to do a negative action when it arises all the time, so it helps to list down which things I consider to be possibly damaging for the rest of the day:</div>
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<ol>
<li>Gaming</li>
<li>YouTube (unless it's for a particular specific purpose and not entertainment)</li>
<li>Snacks (unless I'm really actually hungry)</li>
<li>Scrolling through any social media feed.</li>
</ol>
I can replace them with positive or neutral tasks:<br />
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<ol>
<li>Cleaning</li>
<li>Drawing</li>
<li>Writing</li>
<li>Exercising</li>
<li>Anything Creative Really</li>
</ol>
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So I will update you tomorrow! Ok Go</div>
<br />★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-3535385611100129672020-03-25T18:44:00.000+08:002020-03-25T18:48:43.744+08:00Turdy Flurby and Trifling<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like in the film, I also feel like a 13-year-old in a 29-year-old's body sometimes.</td></tr>
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So I'm turning 30 in less than a month. And guess what. That doesn't really mean anything. At least, it doesn't <i>have to</i> mean anything. It means what I want it to mean, and I think, what I want to do with this point in time, not because I have to, but because I want to (OK Bea, don't hurt yourself), is to look at what things I've been working on. To combat any nagging voice that may come in the next month that might say "You did NOTHING with your 30 years of existence! You need to get up and do a thing!! What thing?! I don't know! But you have to get stressed over not doing it! Because anxiety says so!!!"<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Things Bea is working on.. </span></b>(.. are? Bea are? No, Bea am. Yes.)<br />
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<b>Building Buildable Habuilds -I mean- Habits.</b><br />
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Yes. The H bomb! I dropped it! (no Bea stop) </div>
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Everyone knows this, but habits are like that invisible ghost in your house that you need to befriend and get on your side so it can help you and not trick you. </div>
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Okay, maybe not everyone thinks about habits in <i>that </i>way, specifically, but you get the point: The habits you have are the invisible, automatic forces that power your day - and so many of our habits are UNCONSCIOUS. You probably don't really think much about how every time you plop down the couch, you have to eat a snack that unconsciously adds 50 grams of added sugar every movie night. You probably don't think much about how you always have to check your phone every 10 minutes or so, even without the trigger of a notification. Or how you tend to eat the inside of your lips when you're thinking really hard (I'm sure many other people do this.. Right?? Please make my auto-cannibalistic habit feel normal? No? ok). </div>
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Lately I've been trying to be more CONSCIOUS of my habits, because that's the first step. But just because you know something (I repeat this so much pero true eh) doesn't mean it automatically crosses over to application. With habits, your brain is always on the side of least resistance. It will take strategy to remove/add triggers and whatnot. I try to use trackers in my Bullet Journal and to just practice more mindfulness and intentionality during my day.</div>
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I recommend the book <a href="https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits" target="_blank">Atomic Habits by James Clear</a> if you want to know more.</div>
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In my own habit-creation journey, I thought that it might do me good to set "Foundational Habits" first. Ones that can make it easier for me to form other habits on top. I tried to apply those first (very imperfectly, but don't let perfect be the enemy of better) to make the rest easier.</div>
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<u>The Habits I am currently working on are:</u></div>
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<ol>
<li><b>Mindfulness exercises</b> - I find this to be maybe the #1 "foundational habit", because it primes the "canvas" which is your mind, so you can paint on it intentionally. I'm quite poor at consistency, but according to James Clear, it's more important to be able to hold space for an action and do it repeatedly than to do it very well, or in the same way every time. So sometimes I just do breathing, sometimes I do the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise, sometimes I just do stances or movements that I feel are soothing, or a short body scan... It's different everytime. <a href="https://open.spotify.com/show/0184ojF3hjFhKfktahQK4G" target="_blank">Here's a podcast that details a few exercises you can do in case you don't know any </a></li>
<li><b>Health habits</b> - Unless you find a way to live life without a body, you need to be in a physical state that allows you enough mental and physical ENERGY to do the things you want to do. I try to be a little more conscious about my mental energy and physical energy by tracking them, and I try to see if there are patterns or actions that help or don't help so I can do more or less of them.</li>
<li><b>Learning Habits - </b>Because I'm very bad at doing the same thing the exact same way every time as I said, I find ways around it. I try to be consistent in different ways. For example, I try to learn something everyday. Some days I practice French, some days, I read my books (yes, I'm the type that reads many at a time. I TOLD YOU IT'S REALLY BAD) Sometimes I practice guitar. Sometimes I can do all of them. But they only count for one tick in the tracker. As long as I intentionally learn something every day.</li>
<li><b>Creativity Time - </b>I'm still very bad at this, but I try to "create" something at least once a week. It can be a blog post like this, a painting, a drawing, a song, even just recording a cover of one. Like the previous habit, I let it count as one tick.</li>
<li><b>Plannery - </b>This year, I have been more consistent with my planners and journal than in the past year. This has really helped me find some continuity in my own life. I had some periods of discouragement with tracking, journalling, plannering, because when I compared mine to other "influencers", mine are far too inconsistent and fluid. But at my age now, I'm learning more and more that I can adapt things to suit my own personality. It's not all-or-nothing. Yes, it's better if I'm more consistent, but the only way to be more consistent is to keep going, even as inconsistent as I am. The alternative is just not trying at all. That doesn't help! Embrace error. Embrace failure. Be you, be better. Speaking of that...</li>
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<b>Being myself </b>is another thing that I've been consciously working on. I know, I know. The more you think about it, the less natural it is. This is a really philosophically confounding topic, so I'll spare you. But suffice it to say that I'm just trying to allow myself more space to be. To censor less, to trust more. To let myself find and do things I genuinely love. To remove more worries and make room for magic.</div>
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<b>Being with others </b>is another thing. One of the biggest "a-ha moments" I've recently had is the one where I read through the journal I've been sporadically filling out for five years, since Beardy first moved to the Philippines. It was very moving. I saw patterns in myself, and in my journey, and I realised that even though I feel generally stagnant, I've changed SO MUCH. And it pointed me to the next step I felt I was being called to. There was a page I was examining, which had a drop of water on it. This drop of water made two words disappear on two separate lines, so I couldn't really understand what I wrote fully. But it was a page where I was brainstorming what I could do with my life next. I have many pages like this, in many separate notebooks, and no matter how well thought-out the plans I write seem to be, there was always something that I could sense was missing that prevented me from moving forward. As I squinted at the two words on the page, I jokingly told myself "whatever these two words are, they're probably some secret code I need to crack to figure out what the missing ingredient is to all of this. hekhek." But then I got creeped out:<br />
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Because when I stared at it and tried to guess it from the context of the rest of the sentence, it seemed to have said "other" and then "people". OTHER PEOPLE. That actually makes sense and is really profound. I always stay on the sidelines and watch things happen. I've always been shy and afraid of other people. I thought, huh. Maybe it's my current mission to learn to look at actual people to serve and the "next step" will be easier to see.</div>
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However, writing this today, while procrastinating on my reports (my day job, which has been prematurely terminated for the current term because of COVID-19, is teaching kids) I now see that it actually says "smaller" and not "other" ... SMALLER PEOPLE!! My students!! I think the universe is telling me to get my head out of the clouds and to get back to what's my CURRENT DUTY because the opportunity is already here if I just choose to see it! My current job already is helping me be better at communicating and cooperating with people. Smaller or not. </div>
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I have long resolved myself to not making the event of turning 30 into an enemy. I want to look at it not as a mirror that points out my greatest flaws and shortcomings, but as a mirror that lets me see myself, however I am, to be able to accept what is, appreciate what has been, and to be determined for what else could be.</div>
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LET'S GET IT 30! Stay silly, stay strive-y, stay free!</div>
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★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-22527394593713687822020-03-21T12:53:00.001+08:002020-03-21T12:53:06.861+08:00Some Notes About Notes<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Steve makes it look SO easy.</td></tr>
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I have, in my three decades of existence (I'm turning 30 soon!) amassed a formidable stack of notebooks. I've used them all my life and yet, I haven't made a system that TRULY works for me just yet. I'm too much of a Rebel when it comes to these things. I mostly write things down to get rid of anxiety, but end up relying on my memory most of the time anyway. Still, I want to keep working on making it work for me. Because as I grow older, I can rely less and less on my memory! It's already started. Sometimes I look at my notes and feel like a stranger had broken into them and wrote jibberish while somehow being able to imitate my handwriting. It's creepy. So here I am writing down notes about notes, and some things I thought I should do to make them work a bit better:</div>
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<li>During activities that require concentration, I'll make a note when distraction strikes. This serves two purposes : </li>
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<li>If the distraction is an idea I want to pursue, this saves it for later so it doesn't get lost </li>
<li>I can keep keep focusing on the task at hand by replacing the pursuing of the thought with the jotting of it down.</li>
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<li>Be more specific about the call to action - many times, I end up jotting down something really vague (like just today, my notebook screamed at me saying "BIRDS!!!" and I'm like.. Okay?) and so when it's time to visit the notes I have no idea what I meant</li>
<li>When note taking for songwriting, I should write the date and record the tune on my phone. I've lost so many songs this way.</li>
<li> Make a habit of revisiting the notes. I know, "make a habit" is SO MUCH HARDER to do than to say, but well. That's what it takes.</li>
<li>Sometimes, I revisit something and it doesn't feel so exciting anymore. So... Take what you will with that. Either "strike while the iron is hot" or "maybe it wasn't so interesting" both are probably true. I have to make your mind up about what to do with that.</li>
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None of this ultimately matters for anyone but myself, so I get to decide what to do, how much I can enjoy it, how much time to spend on it, etc. Sometimes you just have to do right by yourself.</div>
★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-37462121365878524482020-03-18T18:48:00.000+08:002020-03-18T20:20:31.832+08:00MOMENTUM IS SO IMPORTANT<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Note to self!!! It's so much easier to keep a ball rolling than to get it rolling!<br />
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Just because you've managed to do something you love to do doesn't mean you can rest easy and just leave it like it's <i>wala lang</i> - you need to make an effort to keep going, because even if it stays <i>there </i>somewhere in your head, it doesn't mean it's going to stay easy to get out into your hands or whatever you use to get your work out <i>there 2.0 - </i>the rest of the world <i>outside </i>of that big old head of yours!<br />
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This explains my absence for many months. I could never just keep the ball rolling here. So here's a non-edited, super <i>wala-lang</i> post, just for the sake of getting things rolling.<br />
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These days, most of us are stuck. If you're one of the lucky ones, like me, that means stuck <i>indoors. But </i>for many brave souls, they are stuck <i>outdoors, </i>stuck outside of their usual routines, having to brave so many new perils, apart from Covid-19 itself - lack of transportation, the difficulty of staying three feet away from every other person, a suddenly very dangerous job (every "frontline" job entails being around other people!).<br />
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The lucky ones face a different peril - the peril of not feeling like you can choose what to do with your time. It feels as though we are all on guard, our fight-or-flight responses just waiting to respond to any new danger - and when you're relatively "safe" indoors - that might just mean being on high alert for any new announcement from the government, or the news. Any red ping on your social media channels, any new hoax or report, or anecdote. And it's so easy to remain frozen in your seat, with wide bloodshot eyes, and suddenly free time isn't really free anymore.<br />
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Today, I felt truly stuck. I felt that familiar dopamine ride of having to keep scrolling my feeds to get updates. Updates on what, I don't even know anymore. But I just knew I had to stop. I had left so many things alone for days now, and have lost sight of what's important.<br />
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In December I had started a plan of re-hauling my lifestyle - I wanted to do a less-is-more approach and to monitor it through my journals. Since then, I'd have stretches of time where it was easy and good, and a few times where things suddenly changed drastically and I get confused and feel unable to keep habits going. 2020 has been a particularly topsy-turvy year. But I wanted to treat it as an opportunity to train and test the habits. But these days since I've been stuck indoors, I have done little apart from just watching my feeds. I guess it's the ambivert in me, wanting to know how everyone else is doing. But today, I'm taking my control back.<br />
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I decided to leave my feeds alone for 5 hours. Just 5 hours! Just to break the negative momentum. I decided to look back on my habit plans. I'm going to take back my control.<br />
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I need to put out at least as much as I'm taking in.<br />
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I hope you find a way to find yourself, take a bit of yourself back, during this strange time. Remove the non-essentials. It's a good easy way to suddenly have some perspective in life, when things suddenly go very very wrong. Find what it is that would make your days feel like they're what you want to make of them. Take a little bit back each time. Find who you want to be, no matter what the rest of the world is like. Then take it day by day, until you can just keep it going. Upward. Forward. Onward. That's my new catchphrase. I know it's corny. But I love spacey stuff (U.F.O.! Isn't it cute?!) and to me it truly works to make things catchy and silly. Whatever works!<br />
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Let's keep moving, friends. We can do this. We can stay human.<br />
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U. F. O. !🚀<a href="https://emojipedia.org/flying-saucer/" ping="/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://emojipedia.org/flying-saucer/&ved=2ahUKEwjBpKqL7KPoAhVSyYsBHfO_AW8QFjAAegQICRAC" style="background-color: white; color: #660099; cursor: pointer; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;" wrc_done="true"></a>★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-40808618214736399892019-12-06T00:03:00.002+08:002019-12-06T23:43:48.413+08:00Merry Memories (Broke on Christmas? Here are free gifts that keep on giving.)I used to be super excited about Christmas every year. To me, there was nothing quite like that old-school, no-school, cool breeze, christmas lights, crushing on someone in church feeling (haha). A time to get patted on the back for making food even if it's just potato salad and jello, or other very inconvenient holiday recipes that only a couple of your brothers try with you, like cold hot chocolate, pumpkin spice latte, or a ridiculous amount of fudge. Just fudge... not even put on top of anything. Just out of a microwavable container. Why not. (Yikes, young me.)<br />
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But there was also that feverish excitement that I look back on now with a sort of muted horror. The "Department Store Christmas" type of excitement. A heady feeling when going down a street of shops that are lit with a string of fairy lights, speakers blaring with increasingly annoying Christmas songs. Okay, even until now, the Christmas lights, I still get it... They're just undeniably pretty to me. But just like that desire to eat fudge out of a tub, I remember having an unhealthy excessive relationship with spending money on a bunch of small things to "give to people" around the holidays. And I remember all the gifts that <i>I </i>receive, how I genuinely feel nice when I receive them because someone thought of me, but then... Never actually really use. Then I wonder how many of the gifts I give other people they actually use, and when they do, only keep out of guilt.<br />
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Ok. Whoever is reading this, if I have given you something in the past that you're only keeping because I gave it to you... PLEASE GET RID OF IT! Give it away! Throw it (responsibly) ! Sell it if it's even possible, I don't want you to keep it just because I might look for it. I won't! It's ok! I don't remember it anymore!)<br />
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Every Christmas, a bunch of people buy a bunch of stuff for a bunch of other people, and people just keep accumulating more and more things! But most people don't need more things!!! What does that tell you?! I'm getting sweaty just thinking about it. And I just took a bath!<br />
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<b>So here are a few thoughts, and please read my disclaimer at the end:</b><br />
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1. <i>What if instead of spending money, we learned how to really <b>spend time </b>with people in our life? </i>Do we still know how to have a real conversation? Our phones make it easy to be around people without really <b>being with </b>them. We take some people in our life for granted because they're "always around", that one day, we realize we have no ideas about their aspirations, struggles, what they like, what they <i>are </i>like, how they feel about certain things. We can spend years living with people and not really know them at all. Do something with someone, have a nice talk about something interesting to the both of you.<br />
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2. <i>What if instead of paying big bills for fancy dinners, we learned how to <b>pay attention</b>? </i>To truly notice when someone does something for us, when someone makes an effort in their outfit or their home. When someone looks sad, or even happy, to ask them to tell you the story behind why. To really listen when the story is told, not just as a chance to give an opinion, but to take the opportunity to get to know someone better, and then maybe to share some part of yourself as well. This is the kind of gift that will still matter no matter how many Christmases pass.<br />
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3. <i>What if instead of giving a bunch of last-minute, barely thought-out gifts, we learned how to better <b>give thanks</b>?</i> Think of the people who have always been there, show them your appreciation. Getting appreciation is one of those timeless gifts that stand the test of time. People might take it for granted that others know they're doing a good job. But sometimes it needs to be said. A nice thank you note with a little drawing might probably be kept longer than a random shiny thing you find in a department store. And it would cost less, too.<br />
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When we try to rethink the holidays this way, instead of collecting things, we <b>collect memories. </b>When I write down my Gratitude Log for the day, it is rare for me to write about a material thing. Because at the end of the day, the materials don't matter as much as the experience. And even when they do, it's the experience of them that stays with you.<br />
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To summarize here's a Hallmark-y doodlydoo I made with PicMonkey because I felt clever at 12am last night :<br />
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Trololol.<br />
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Things weigh you down, and they rot, and they accumulate, then you need to get rid of them, and you'll always want more. Memories can be kept with you, they take no physical space. They don't need a box or a bag that ends up in a landfill or eaten by some poor turtle in the ocean that will haunt your feed one day. Feeling connected with others is often free, and is a lasting gift.<br />
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But ON THAT NOTE, I am also compiling a list of gifting guidelines for myself that feel more "aligned" to post-department store Christmas me. Again I might post it here, who knowwwwssss?<br />
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<i>Pay attention </i>to my posts to find out. Haha.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: x-small;">disclaimer: if things are toxic at home or in family gatherings, it is not your responsibility to power through interactions that leave you in pain if people in your life are not checking themselves or are being intentionally hurtful. If people are toxic you are absolutely allowed to cope with a device and try to get by with just minimal civil interaction. Take care of yourself! </span></b><br />
<br />★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-58475476324388584122019-12-03T22:32:00.004+08:002019-12-03T22:38:40.842+08:00Goals (When You're Exceptionally Bad at Keeping Them)You know what, I try to be a very decent human being. I try to be nice, kind, helpful. But when it comes to following through with my own plans, I'm completely the most terrible person in the world. If there ever was a Bad Place like in the TV show<a href="https://beawilderment.blogspot.com/2019/09/wtf-good-place-human-ness-reimagined.html" target="_blank"> The Good Place</a>, that's what I'd go to the Bad Place for. Disobeying myself, when I only had my best interest in mind. (Mama, if you're reading this, don't feel too bad. It wasn't just you when I was growing up. I never listen to myself either.)<br />
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I'm a huge fan of planners, planning systems, goal setting strategies, spreadsheets, totally interested in <i>setting</i> goals. Yes. A hobby I've loved since 2007 when I went to college and used my very first planner. Setting goals? Sign me right up and I'll even sticker-bomb the borders. But actually doing what's on the list? Bye.<br />
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This <a href="https://www.facebook.com/JanjanComics/?__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARCN-1JvkAa8M_muCkExARtClWLJShER-akej6hriFuNHJSVVswOXgTj9XPQgPV7A7C3A-Yk9sMgHU3Rnu88Uf7rs7Xr4Q66VJ1aU_BpRMf3b2jWc0NJwwtZ_L-5vdSoG5Qyb-_8XbsteKNuzcdDw6mJOD2vEH_v68jKRGIHRUIthmSttBuc0UHUqxfz6YRoNz52B4bwLl6pAOfTm-XXYPRSRdWw-Ln_0_X6jmNsmJtiKTGZ5sc_gu5AezaSm9RJVOsXJkHraFFAej4J48XG9wWLZG8gux1Yi2tINgg690KI2I8RUP72XwDMGolZxiLtBPU5C3wBtR89owVsZjWB&__tn__=k%2AF&tn-str=k%2AF" target="_blank">JanJan Comics</a> character is me, 100%:<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"I've listed all the things that need to be done."<br />"I don't want to do them anymore."</i><br />
Facebook: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/JanjanComics/?__xts__%5B0%5D=68.ARCN-1JvkAa8M_muCkExARtClWLJShER-akej6hriFuNHJSVVswOXgTj9XPQgPV7A7C3A-Yk9sMgHU3Rnu88Uf7rs7Xr4Q66VJ1aU_BpRMf3b2jWc0NJwwtZ_L-5vdSoG5Qyb-_8XbsteKNuzcdDw6mJOD2vEH_v68jKRGIHRUIthmSttBuc0UHUqxfz6YRoNz52B4bwLl6pAOfTm-XXYPRSRdWw-Ln_0_X6jmNsmJtiKTGZ5sc_gu5AezaSm9RJVOsXJkHraFFAej4J48XG9wWLZG8gux1Yi2tINgg690KI2I8RUP72XwDMGolZxiLtBPU5C3wBtR89owVsZjWB&__tn__=k%2AF&tn-str=k%2AF" target="_blank">JanJan Comics</a></td></tr>
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I've tried different ways to keep myself motivated. I've tried setting Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic/Relevant, Time-Bound Goals. Tried. Now that I'm older and wiser *cough*, I realise that I was built to be kind of very incompatible with this model, personality-wise. The way I think is not solid at all, it's more like water. It molds itself to whatever the vessel is, and with no vessel, it seeps through cracks, and spreads everywhere, getting everything wet, until my goal metastasizes into a bunch of things that are all <i>it</i>, but not really<i> it</i> at all. So Specific and Measurable is out of the question. Attainable and Realistic/Relevant? I question myself far too much to trust my justifications about anything when I write the goals, and always end up challenging my past self. Reality kind of keeps changing depending on my mood, and Time-Bound.... Well. I've spent the last 15 years of my life pushing deadlines and I've become too desentisized. My feeling of time is so warped and needs a lot of help, even now.<br />
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So like any self-respecting, <strike>aging</strike> maturing human would do, I stopped trying to act like my personality is super fluid and flexible funky fresh, and accepted that, partly, <u>the fluidity of my personality itself is the fixed part of my personality that is too set in stone, that I need to revise.</u> What a paradox.<br />
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I started accepting that things need to be simpler, much much simpler, for me to even remember them. So I changed my style completely and brought things down to<b> just the essentials</b>. Instead of a long list of specific goals every year that I always end up looking at and feeling badly about, I write <b>attitudes</b> that need to be changed in me (those were always easier for me to do weirdly enough), usually healthier ways to relate to stress. Hehe. As an anxious person, this has helped me a lot.<br />
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Then I just started using my planner to remind myself of things that <i>absolutely </i>need to be done, instead of peppering it with a bunch of aspirational stuff like "write a... <i>song</i>..?"... It helps a lot that I have a day job and really have things to put into my calendar. It helps a lot to just simply be able to tick boxes.<br />
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I've also known for a while that when motivation <i>does </i>fly by for whatever reason, you need to hop right on that elusive beast and hold on for dear life. So I've always been waiting...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Though sometimes, inspiration or motivation is so distracting and possessing that it's hard to stay accountable with any written goal</td></tr>
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Sometimes, it's a near-death experience, sometimes, even scraping your knee (happened to me one time. I was SO motivated for the next few months), and sometimes it's just a new year coming by.<br />
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This year end is particularly significant to me. We are having our <b>wedding</b> on the first day of the year, (more on that in a separate post, maybe) and it's the <u>beginning of a new decade</u>. Objectively, that doesn't mean anything, but there are just things like that that I choose to ascribe meaning to, for the sake of fun and a semblance of "meaningfulness" in life.<br />
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While getting ready one day, I came across <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiM97bP8500&t=316s" target="_blank">this video from Lavendaire</a>, and a certain magical set of different conditions (the fact that I had just had coffee and L-theanine, it was the end of the month and it was time to start December on my planner, etc etc etc) just <i style="font-weight: bold;">did the thing </i> for me, and I felt the dragon coming towards my way. So I HOPPED ON OBVIOUSLY<br />
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Again, it took a very particular set of conditions, and it was really mostly luck. But I was inspired enough to make brand-new-spanking goals, and for the FIRST TIME in a LONG TIME, they actually feel tailored to me. They are "S-M-A-R-T" yet fit my personality.<br />
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If you're as bad at accomplishing goals as I am, Lavendaire has a bunch of very helpful tips in the video I linked. But basically, here are the ones that helped me the most, or at least my interpretation of them:<br />
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1. <b>Start Small:</b> Attainable and Realistic shouldn't mean "technically possible" to you, if you're like me at all. it should mean "I'm likely going to be able to push myself to do that, the way I am <b>now, </b>even under bad conditions"... Therefore, instead of saying "I'll do 10 pushups every morning" I'm starting with "I'm going to move every morning, even if it's just stretching. I'll do what feels good." That may seem too small, but it's still an improvement from what I normally do. Build a ladder. Don't attempt to do parkour if you're not the type.<br />
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2. <b>Build Momentum: </b>The small mini-goals shouldn't be random. R means Relevant or Realistic, not Random. Even though they're small, they should be the mini-version of what you eventually want to do. In my case, my big goal is <i>"to have discipline, consistency, and accountability"</i> because all the things I've been trying to chase and failing to all this time, namely<i> mental and physical health, a calmer disposition, being able to start and finish passion projects, </i>all hinge on the premise that I would be able to keep doing things I set out to do, and build habits that I am able to sustain often, if not daily.<br />
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3. <b>Chunk Actions Together: </b>Chunking is a memory technique where you put stuff together with a thing you know you'll remember or something you'll do anyway. Like putting your inhaler next to your car keys because you know you can't leave without your keys.<br />
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Planning the actions to meet my goals has always been my biggest goal-setting roadblock. I'm too impulsive and my days are too unstructured, even with a job, that I find it hard to put action items within the day and follow them. This time around, the idea of a<i> "Morning Routine"</i> had been on the front of my mind because it's so trendy in the self-improvement world, and I thought, what better way to chunk things together than to put all my small goals together in the morning? I've been needing motivation to get off the bed when I wake up anyway. So this makes it Attainable and Realistic to me. And if I get a task done at the start of the day, I start off every day feeling accomplished. This also gives it a Time-Bound element.<br />
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4. <b>Tracking: </b>I've NEVER.. And I repeat, N E V E R been able to track anything successfully in my life. Not once have I ever filled out a monthly tracker in my Bullet Journal, and I know I'll probably miss some days on the current one I started. But to me, tracking doesn't have to be a physical, complete record of my actions (especially because that's going too far into the edge of my Attainable zone). Tracking to me is just a way to keep myself accountable, and to me, a visual prompt, as long as I can easily see it when I need to, can do it.<br />
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So out of cardboard, I created a list of my simple <i>Morning Routine</i> that I made that ticks all the small habits that I want to build up on. Every morning, I can look at this to track if I'm done for the morning, before heading out.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I might write about this on a separate post, too. Again, Maaaybee</td></tr>
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Now I've been somewhat successful so far .but I have yet to see what happens once I come back to regular work days. My goals are very small, yes. It may look like I'm going too easy on myself, but really. I've been at the other end of it when I let momentary ambitiousness or impatience of <i>past-me</i>'s set booby traps for lazy <i>present-me</i> to fall into.<br />
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What's important to me is that the changes <u style="font-weight: bold;">last.</u> Because I've made it clear to myself that my goal is to build <i>habits, </i>and an attitude that is more consistent and accountable with things. The intensity of the habits are not what's important for now. It's building the <i>muscles </i>that I'll need to eventually accomplish my goals. That's the plan, anyway.<br />
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I'm hoping to remember to update this space after a couple of weeks to see if I get to keep at this, or if I revise anything. Right now I feel like coming back here to write about these changes I'm trying out. But I'm trying to go easy on adding more goals to fail at. So I won't add this to my list, and just hope I remember anyway, and find time to write. That way, it's like a bonus. Hehe. (I could also chunk it with my journalling habit, who knowss)<br />
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See you again soon, Maybe!<br />
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<br />★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-33695573813803767562019-09-21T12:37:00.000+08:002019-09-21T12:37:09.854+08:00WTF: The Good Place: Human-ness reimagined<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/thegoodplace/images/4/49/4poster.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/670?cb=20190904224306" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="377" data-original-width="670" src="https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/thegoodplace/images/4/49/4poster.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/670?cb=20190904224306" /></a></div>
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To get into what my ideas about the afterlife were like in what feels like a past life, without getting much into <i>why, </i>(I will really really try!) I used to think that whatever was ~beyond~ would be a timeless space, unbound by whatever simple three-dimensional idea we have of "places". That made thinking about what "Heaven" or "Hell" (or even "Purgatory".. I know, I said I won't get into it!) would, or even could be like was very tiring and confounding. I can't be the only kid who thought that was way too simple!<br />
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So of course I ended up just half-accepting what "people-who-somehow-knew-even-if-they're-still-alive" would claim, and what the general consensus around me seems to think at any point in time, (which was never consistent of course!!!) to save <i>some</i> energy for the life I'm supposed to be living in accordance to ..whatever dictates what it takes to get into whatever The Good Place is after this life, which now I can't focus on, because afterlife. Argh! I'm such a Chidi!<br />
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Anyway, that's all behind me now, and I said I won't get into it, so I won't, but all of that stress I had provided the perfect contrast for me to really, really, <i>really </i>appreciate this show.<br />
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The Good Place is an NBC/Netflix show about the afterlife. Specifically, Eleanor Shellstrop, who gets toured around by Michael, the Arch...itect of the Good Place. I will not get much into the story, because it's so twisty in such a GREAT way. I do not have the heart to spoil ANYTHING for anyone. So here's just a simple list of what I appreciate about the show:<br />
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<ol>
<li>The <i>lightness </i>of it. Of course if you're the type of person who might find this heretical or sacrilegious to talk about afterlife things with any degree of lightness, then I might not be selling this to you well right now, but I have faith in humankind, and I want to believe you will still find something to lightheartedly chuckle about. But I love how it approaches this topic, that used to give younger me so much doom and gloom, with so much lightness, and yet:</li>
<li><i>Insight. </i>Make no mistake - just because it is lighthearted, does not mean it is empty and vapid, or even pokes fun at the striving of humans to be better people! On the contrary, I think, to it's core, the show is about dissecting and really taking an <b>honest </b>look at goodness, that doesn't favor any group of people. What is goodness, how does intention factor into it, and what is a well-lived life?</li>
<li>The <i>depth </i>of each character: They take on tropes for the sake of caricaturish hilarity in line with the perky mood of the show, but as you watch more episodes, your understanding of each character deepens, and they turn from being two-dimensional character tropes, to actually very satisfying archetypes that illustrate a lot of what being human is like!</li>
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They are starting their final season this month, and I do admit that it went more and more loopy and random after the main crux was fully developed and resolved in the 2nd season, but if you haven't yet, and have the time and the Netflix subscription to do so, definitely give it a watch! It's a Good Show.</div>
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<br />★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7633788263231101735.post-90444329107057089242019-05-05T17:13:00.002+08:002019-05-05T17:31:26.581+08:00WTF: The show Coffee Prince ...was ahead of its time!<div style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="Coffee Prince" src="https://6.viki.io/image/ac137e87c97e47b386b2fb8f1ec69082.jpeg?x=b&s=460x268&e=t&f=t&cb=1" /></div>
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Unlike me, who is, effectively, twelve years behind on this.<br />
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<a href="https://beawilderment.blogspot.com/2019/04/conscious-consuming-of-creation.html" target="_blank">Super late reaction, I know, </a>but I'm sure I'm not the only one, as Netflix had just recently added it to their roster.<br />
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On my birthday, Beardy and I were chilling in my mom's living room the whole afternoon. My family was out on churchly duties but had left Coffee Prince playing on Netflix, and we sort of just left it on, paying attention every now and then as we go about our business. I started paying real attention about half-way in the story.<br />
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You see, I had my doubts. Everytime I see gender-bending outside of what I percieve to be LGBT-safe contexts, I'm afraid to pay attention because I'm afraid to see transphobic things. And knowing that many of my friends have seen this show, I did not want to feel bad or worried. I'm not really the type that enjoys catching people make mistakes, like what many people seem to do in our current call-out culture. I see too clearly how damaging ideas are formed and do not feel free to blame any one particular individual a lot of the time. I just see how systematic the problem is and end up feeling quite bad. But after watching the rest of it, I actually ended up feeling quite good! Such a nice, weird, fun, but heartwarming show. Here are some points!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Image result for eun hye helmet coffee prince" src="https://ocdramadee.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/cp_ep1_02.jpg?w=800" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">EUN-HYELMET IS SO CUTE DEMMET</td></tr>
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<b>Subversion that isn't merely for the sake of shocking:</b> I have to admit I judged it pretty hastily. "<i>What? How could they not know that she's a girl after she took her helmet off?! Come on." </i>I thought it was purely an immature "BoYs aRe liKe thiS bUt GiRls are norMalLy nOt! heuk heuk" shock-and-awe type of humor, but the more I watched it, the more I saw it as a tool to be able to write a well-rounded female character. When the characters make statements about gendered expectations, it doesn't feel like the show is taking a stance, but rather, it feels like it is reflecting a realistic portrayal of how people currently think about gender, and how when we get over it, more organic, diverse ways of being a woman or being a man are allowed into existence.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like the cute friendship of these two!!!</td></tr>
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Of course, there was still space for caricatures for humor, and this doesn't necessarily get used for all the characters in the show, but you see that perspective shine through every now and then. Remember, this was 2007 so that was pretty great already! It was subversive for the sincere purpose of writing realistic people.<br />
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<b>Characters with deep emotional depth:</b> There isn't a switch in the hearts of the characters that can be clicked on with the use of a grand gesture plot device. When they get hurt, there's a struggle between holding and moving on. It takes time, and you can see them negotiate and deal with their feelings. They ask for space, and explain how they feel.<br />
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<tr><td><img alt="Image result for yoo joo hang sung fight" height="299" 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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">When Hang-sung and Yoo-joo make up, or not? or yes, or no? Yes. They did.</td></tr>
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The male lead in particular is really shown as immature, and even though they seemed to make that look "cute" at times, I didn't feel like it was ever portrayed as valid. It is often repeated that he needs to "grow up". The female lead, even when she inadvertently hurts his feelings by choosing to study abroad, is shown to be reasonable for doing this, and rather than breaking the relationship off, the two are shown maturing in their own ways. The girl's horizons widen, and the boy's emotional endurance becomes strengthened. Instead of going back to his playboy ways, he actually makes a long distance relationship work. He is able to be patient for once, and for his character, that's a huge development.<br />
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<img alt="Image result for grandma coffee prince" height="222" src="https://66.media.tumblr.com/dc81099bf0d1a02938b528c170636937/tumblr_ov34nzUkNf1tvpzvko1_1280.jpg" width="400" /><br />
His grandma is also a very interesting character in this area. She isn't portrayed as a simple villain. She is trying to do what's best for her grandson, and she is a victim of falling for her first impression. She is eventually won over, but not by a grand gesture. It took time, and she gave a condition that also lets the girl gain something, and eases her own qualms about the relationship. It is still pretty extreme, but it's suited to the character once again. It doesn't feel like a stance from the writers, but just a natural extension of the character.<br />
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<b>Romantic authenticity</b>: This show didn't have the weird alien "air-brushed" feeling that other shows have nowadays. Remember that delightfully disgusting Jjajangmyeon battle?!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
If you have a weak stomach, just don't. Pretend it's just a picture.</div>
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There is awkwardness (A LOT OF IT OMG?), there is sex, there are potty mouths, brash characters, and you love it all in some way, because it feels sincere. Even when you're slinking at the end of your seat during the convertible scene. That's TOO LONG TO NOT PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON WHY ISN'T ANYONE PULLING THEM OVER?<br />
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All in all, I felt like the show was trying to say that everyone's different, and you must be authentic and true to yourself, but you do not use this as an excuse to never improve yourself. Everyone will have their own way of "being better", and will have their own conditions that they need to sustain their individuality while giving part of themselves to others. It's a freestyle dance, and you cannot expect people to line up in rows and do a line dance for the sake of making it simpler. There will be bumping involved, but there will always be space for who you really are.<br />
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<img alt="Image result for coffee prince grandma" 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" /><br />
I just wish they left space for her boyish style and short hair until the very end!!! But that's just me. That's her life journey, and I respect that.</div>
★ Bea ★http://www.blogger.com/profile/01984734352779446938noreply@blogger.com0