Merry Memories (Broke on Christmas? Here are free gifts that keep on giving.)

I used to be super excited about Christmas every year. To me, there was nothing quite like that old-school, no-school, cool breeze, christmas lights, crushing on someone in church feeling (haha). A time to get patted on the back for making food even if it's just potato salad and jello, or other very inconvenient holiday recipes that only a couple of your brothers try with you, like cold hot chocolate, pumpkin spice latte, or a ridiculous amount of fudge. Just fudge... not even put on top of anything. Just out of a microwavable container. Why not. (Yikes, young me.)

But there was also that feverish excitement that I look back on now with a sort of muted horror. The "Department Store Christmas" type of excitement. A heady feeling when going down a street of shops that are lit with a string of fairy lights, speakers blaring with increasingly annoying Christmas songs. Okay, even until now, the Christmas lights, I still get it... They're just undeniably pretty to me. But just like that desire to eat fudge out of a tub, I remember having an unhealthy excessive relationship with spending money on a bunch of small things to "give to people" around the holidays. And I remember all the gifts that I receive, how I genuinely feel nice when I receive them because someone thought of me, but then... Never actually really use. Then I wonder how many of the gifts I give other people they actually use, and when they do, only keep out of guilt.

Ok. Whoever is reading this, if I have given you something in the past that you're only keeping because I gave it to you... PLEASE GET RID OF IT! Give it away! Throw it (responsibly) ! Sell it if it's even possible, I don't want you to keep it just because I might look for it. I won't! It's ok! I don't remember it anymore!)

Every Christmas, a bunch of people buy a bunch of stuff for a bunch of other people, and people just keep accumulating more and more things! But most people don't need more things!!! What does that tell you?! I'm getting sweaty just thinking about it. And I just took a bath!

So here are a few thoughts, and please read my disclaimer at the end:

1. What if instead of spending money, we learned how to really spend time with people in our life? Do we still know how to have a real conversation? Our phones make it easy to be around people without really being with them. We take some people in our life for granted because they're "always around", that one day, we realize we have no ideas about their aspirations, struggles, what they like, what they are like, how they feel about certain things. We can spend years living with people and not really know them at all. Do something with someone, have a nice talk about something interesting to the both of you.

2. What if instead of paying big bills for fancy dinners, we learned how to pay attention? To truly notice when someone does something for us, when someone makes an effort in their outfit or their home. When someone looks sad, or even happy, to ask them to tell you the story behind why. To really listen when the story is told, not just as a chance to give an opinion, but to take the opportunity to get to know someone better, and then maybe to share some part of yourself as well. This is the kind of gift that will still matter no matter how many Christmases pass.

3. What if instead of giving a bunch of last-minute, barely thought-out gifts, we learned how to better give thanks? Think of the people who have always been there, show them your appreciation. Getting appreciation is one of those timeless gifts that stand the test of time. People might take it for granted that others know they're doing a good job. But sometimes it needs to be said. A nice thank you note with a little drawing might probably be kept longer than a random shiny thing you find in a department store. And it would cost less, too.

When we try to rethink the holidays this way, instead of collecting things, we collect memories. When I write down my Gratitude Log for the day, it is rare for me to write about a material thing. Because at the end of the day, the materials don't matter as much as the experience. And even when they do, it's the experience of them that stays with you.

To summarize here's a Hallmark-y doodlydoo I made with PicMonkey because I felt clever at 12am last night :

Trololol.

Things weigh you down, and they rot, and they accumulate, then you need to get rid of them, and you'll always want more. Memories can be kept with you, they take no physical space. They don't need a box or a bag that ends up in a landfill or eaten by some poor turtle in the ocean that will haunt your feed one day. Feeling connected with others is often free, and is a lasting gift.

But ON THAT NOTE, I am also compiling a list of gifting guidelines for myself that feel more "aligned" to post-department store Christmas me. Again I might post it here, who knowwwwssss?

Pay attention to my posts to find out. Haha.

disclaimer: if things are toxic at home or in family gatherings, it is not your responsibility to power through interactions that leave you in pain if people in your life are not checking themselves or are being intentionally hurtful. If people are toxic you are absolutely allowed to cope with a device and try to get by with just minimal civil interaction. Take care of yourself! 

Goals (When You're Exceptionally Bad at Keeping Them)

You know what, I try to be a very decent human being. I try to be nice, kind, helpful. But when it comes to following through with my own plans, I'm completely the most terrible person in the world. If there ever was a Bad Place like in the TV show The Good Place, that's what I'd go to the Bad Place for. Disobeying myself, when I only had my best interest in mind. (Mama, if you're reading this, don't feel too bad. It wasn't just you when I was growing up. I never listen to myself either.)

I'm a huge fan of planners, planning systems, goal setting strategies, spreadsheets, totally interested in setting goals. Yes. A hobby I've loved since 2007 when I went to college and used my very first planner. Setting goals? Sign me right up and I'll even sticker-bomb the borders. But actually doing what's on the list? Bye.

This JanJan Comics character is me, 100%:

"I've listed all the things that need to be done."
"I don't want to do them anymore."
Facebook: JanJan Comics

I've tried different ways to keep myself motivated. I've tried setting Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic/Relevant, Time-Bound Goals. Tried. Now that I'm older and wiser *cough*, I realise that I was built to be kind of very incompatible with this model, personality-wise. The way I think is not solid at all, it's more like water. It molds itself to whatever the vessel is, and with no vessel, it seeps through cracks, and spreads everywhere, getting everything wet, until my goal metastasizes into a bunch of things that are all it, but not really it at all. So Specific and Measurable is out of the question. Attainable and Realistic/Relevant? I question myself far too much to trust my justifications about anything when I write the goals, and always end up challenging my past self. Reality kind of keeps changing depending on my mood, and Time-Bound.... Well. I've spent the last 15 years of my life pushing deadlines and I've become too desentisized. My feeling of time is so warped and needs a lot of help, even now.

So like any self-respecting, aging maturing human would do, I stopped trying to act like my personality is super fluid and flexible funky fresh, and accepted that, partly, the fluidity of my personality itself is the fixed part of my personality that is too set in stone, that I need to revise. What a paradox.

I started accepting that things need to be simpler, much much simpler, for me to even remember them. So I changed my style completely and brought things down to just the essentials. Instead of a long list of specific goals every year that I always end up looking at and feeling badly about, I write attitudes that need to be changed in me (those were always easier for me to do weirdly enough), usually healthier ways to relate to stress. Hehe. As an anxious person, this has helped me a lot.

Then I just started using my planner to remind myself of things that absolutely need to be done, instead of peppering it with a bunch of aspirational stuff like "write a... song..?"... It helps a lot that I have a day job and really have things to put into my calendar. It helps a lot to just simply be able to tick boxes.

I've also known for a while that when motivation does fly by for whatever reason, you need to hop right on that elusive beast and hold on for dear life. So I've always been waiting...

Though sometimes, inspiration or motivation is so distracting and possessing that it's hard to stay accountable with any written goal

Sometimes, it's a near-death experience, sometimes, even scraping your knee (happened to me one time. I was SO motivated for the next few months), and sometimes it's just a new year coming by.

This year end is particularly significant to me. We are having our wedding on the first day of the year, (more on that in a separate post, maybe) and it's the beginning of a new decade. Objectively, that doesn't mean anything, but there are just things like that that I choose to ascribe meaning to, for the sake of fun and a semblance of "meaningfulness" in life.

While getting ready one day, I came across this video from Lavendaire, and a certain magical set of different conditions (the fact that I had just had coffee and L-theanine, it was the end of the month and it was time to start December on my planner, etc etc etc) just did the thing  for me, and I felt the dragon coming towards my way. So I HOPPED ON OBVIOUSLY

Again, it took a very particular set of conditions, and it was really mostly luck. But I was inspired enough to make brand-new-spanking goals, and for the FIRST TIME in a LONG TIME, they actually feel tailored to me. They are "S-M-A-R-T" yet fit my personality.

If you're as bad at accomplishing goals as I am, Lavendaire has a bunch of very helpful tips in the video I linked. But basically, here are the ones that helped me the most, or at least my interpretation of them:

1. Start Small: Attainable and Realistic shouldn't mean "technically possible" to you, if you're like me at all. it should mean "I'm likely going to be able to push myself to do that, the way I am now, even under bad conditions"... Therefore, instead of saying "I'll do 10 pushups every morning" I'm starting with "I'm going to move every morning, even if it's just stretching. I'll do what feels good." That may seem too small, but it's still an improvement from what I normally do. Build a ladder. Don't attempt to do parkour if you're not the type.

2. Build Momentum: The small mini-goals shouldn't be random. R means Relevant or Realistic, not Random. Even though they're small, they should be the mini-version of what you eventually want to do. In my case, my big goal is "to have discipline, consistency, and accountability" because all the things I've been trying to chase and failing to all this time, namely mental and physical health, a calmer disposition, being able to start and finish passion projects, all hinge on the premise that I would be able to keep doing things I set out to do, and build habits that I am able to sustain often, if not daily.

3. Chunk Actions Together: Chunking is a memory technique where you put stuff together with a thing you know you'll remember or something you'll do anyway. Like putting your inhaler next to your car keys because you know you can't leave without your keys.

Planning the actions to meet my goals has always been my biggest goal-setting roadblock. I'm too impulsive and my days are too unstructured, even with a job, that I find it hard to put action items within the day and follow them. This time around, the idea of a "Morning Routine" had been on the front of my mind because it's so trendy in the self-improvement world, and I thought, what better way to chunk things together than to put all my small goals together in the morning? I've been needing motivation to get off the bed when I wake up anyway. So this makes it Attainable and Realistic to me. And if I get a task done at the start of the day, I start off every day feeling accomplished. This also gives it a Time-Bound element.

4. Tracking: I've NEVER.. And I repeat,  N E V E R been able to track anything successfully in my life. Not once have I ever filled out a monthly tracker in my Bullet Journal, and I know I'll probably miss some days on the current one I started. But to me, tracking doesn't have to be a physical, complete record of my actions (especially because that's going too far into the edge of my Attainable zone). Tracking to me is just a way to keep myself accountable, and to me, a visual prompt, as long as I can easily see it when I need to, can do it.

So out of cardboard, I created a list of my simple Morning Routine that I made that ticks all the small habits that I want to build up on. Every morning, I can look at this to track if I'm done for the morning, before heading out.

I might write about this on a separate post, too. Again, Maaaybee

Now I've been somewhat successful so far .but I have yet to see what happens once I come back to regular work days. My goals are very small, yes. It may look like I'm going too easy on myself, but really. I've been at the other end of it when I let momentary ambitiousness or impatience of past-me's set booby traps for lazy present-me to fall into.

What's important to me is that the changes last. Because I've made it clear to myself that my goal is to build habits, and an attitude that is more consistent and accountable with things. The intensity of the habits are not what's important for now. It's building the muscles that I'll need to eventually accomplish my goals. That's the plan, anyway.

I'm hoping to remember to update this space after a couple of weeks to see if I get to keep at this, or if I revise anything. Right now I feel like coming back here to write about these changes I'm trying out. But I'm trying to go easy on adding more goals to fail at. So I won't add this to my list, and just hope I remember anyway, and find time to write. That way, it's like a bonus. Hehe. (I could also chunk it with my journalling habit, who knowss)

See you again soon, Maybe!

Conscious Consuming of Creation

"Do or do not. There is no try."

All my life I imagined myself to be "a Creator".

I'd create crafts, songs, and stories. Whatever can be made by a human, I wanted to figure out how to make myself. I'd tinker with things, watch "How it's made" videos. I always wished that I could grow up to be a person that made things. I didn't have a clear idea about what specific thing, though. I sort of imagined I'd do many different things at once.

Now that I'm an adult (I'm 29 today!) I've let that slide willingly towards the sidelines. Graciously and consciously. In fact, it was just a few days ago when I actually decided. For too long now, it felt like the universe was pulling an unwilling me towards that decision, but a couple days ago, I sat down on the bed, demanded Beardy's attention, and declared it: "I'm going to start and chill about pressuring myself so much to do something on the side!"

 Since I started teaching, I feel myself pulled towards too many directions, wanting teaching to be the steady thing that will allow me to do "what I'm really about" (whatever that was!) during my free time. Well, that turned out to not be very easy when you're an amateur at the "steady thing". This "steady thing" now needs to be my focus, so that it would actually be steady, as I found that it's the one that gives me a feeling of purpose, and it does give me the opportunity to be very creative. I want to be good at this.

Like any naive young creative person, I suppose, (I hope! but really I was a lot more stubborn than my peers) I started out quite frenetic, unstructured, angsty, and untethered in my creative life. There was just too much to fix within myself. It had often felt like my life as an artist was the human equivalent of a plastic bag that had holes on it, filled with different colors of paint, and the color just had to burst out of it towards any direction. I had a lot inside, and sometimes the outcome was beautiful, but I was not in control.

Now I am deciding that as I try to be better as a teacher, I will sit down and enjoy Creation. Meaning, I want to sit down and consume what other Creators have made! When I was in college, my angsty nature somehow made it hard for me to open up and be vulnerable to other people's works. There will be times where a piece (art, music, a film, a building) would touch me, but now that I know myself better, I can read my past self actually building up a wall as soon at that happens. I felt too much like I had something to prove, when all I had to do was to sit down and be real. I couldn't be real. There was just too much to take, and not enough of me to take it.

Now I feel more whole as a person, I'm able to truly relax and be vulnerable in the presence of art. I am able to truly lose myself, let go of my ego, and just witness things, and I think that's important. I was wrong when I was young to think that you are either a creator or an audience. Oftentimes, it's being a good audience member that allows creators to create well. Consuming creation is the way to connect to humanity itself, to get truly inspired, and when needed, to create something that there is a void of. You cannot fill the gaps when you don't stare at the wall with the cracks.

So with this newfound mission, to be more human, by witnessing humanity's creation, I am going to start a series called.... *drumroll* WTF! What The Fuss.

I am going to review shows, books, movies, any sort of media, business, building, concept, any Creation that has captured people's fancy, and my awareness as an effect, to see What The Fuss is all about. I am not going to pretend to be a professional critic or anything, this is really just me writing about my experience of things, so I can literally review anything, for the sake of being more mindful of my experience of Life.

I am a human Being, I think this is what that is about. More than just creating, witnessing. Taking it all in. Living. In a state of peace, and no longer in the state of feverish longing. I will either do things, or not do things, and follow Yoda's advice. I want to worry less about what I am not doing, and just do it, or forget about it, until it is time to do it. We spend so much time worrying about doing. What about just being? :) Feeling! Sensing! Eating! Sleeping! I'm getting sidetracked again by my very humanly urges! Help me! aaaaaaaaa

Ok. I'm still here. So that's it for me for now. What's weird is that now that I've chilled about creating, I've been feeling more creative than usual! Proving the previous point I made. Ah well. Let's just see how it goes. Going with the flow now. And right now the flow tells me: "Time to end this post, Bea."

I'll see you next time! On the first WTF post! Soon, friends!

Starting Where You Are

There are many ways to do the right things. Many means to go about accomplishing a certain end. When we seek for help in accomplishing our goals, or in creating a more favorable situation for ourselves, we are faced with a million choices when it comes to  H O W  T O  G E T  T H E R E.

"There" usually being:

• better health
• better living situation
• a more fulfilling career path

Et cetera. There could be a thousand versions of even this list if we're being honest, but here let's just call them General Things to be Better at. That doesn't really work. How about Betterment Goals. I don't like how that sounds either. But this illustrates my point. Words can fail. 

The main focus of whatever journey you take on in getting yourself somewhere better in life, in whatever form "Being Better" would manifest in your imagination, should be 

W H E R E V E R  Y O U  A R E.

 R I G H T  H E R E

R I G H T  N O W.

And this is why many self-betterment guides would start with you listing your own answers to their questions. And yes, I am not here to discount you searching for those guides. In fact, depending on your personality, it might be better to look for more than one "guru" or whatever you want to call it, so that you can curate whatever resonates in your life in particular from many different sources, and make the roadmap you eventually follow your very own.

We like learning from others because we like information already processed and laid out for us to take in. This is easier than having to start from scratch, scrambling to find crumbs that will lead us to the bread, trying to find all the ingredients on our own. This is why we have grocery stores. I think I need to eat soon. I'm getting a little sidetracked.

Anyway, this is not a bad thing. This really does help. What I want to emphasize though, is that we should not be so naive and think that betterment ends in that learning. We take many things in. We make it our own. We share how we made it our own. Maybe more people will find it resonate better. They will take some of it in, just like how we took from others. Then they will make it their own.

Words do not contain the entirety of meaning. Other people can not provide the secrets to your success. Something has to come from you.

And yes, a lot of it relies on luck. But your luck improves when you improve your striving in finding these answers.

So, let me ask you a bunch of questions:

1. Outlook: Do you think you have a positive one? When you think about your day upon waking up in the morning, how do you feel? What causes anxiety in you? What causes joy? Do you notice yourself feeling one more often than the other? Why do you think so? Are you okay with that? (Like I wake up meh most mornings, but I'm cool with it. I think it's just how I am and it's fine) And if you're not, is there anything within your power that you can change?
2. The Good: What's already working out? This is important. What do you like that you don't really want to change in yourself, your living situation, your habits? You don't have to change everything. Maybe you don't even have to change very much. Honestly you don't even have to change at all. Let's be real. Your life your rules.
3. The Bad: But if there are things that aren't working out, maybe take some time to look at them. There are things that don't work out that are too uncomfortable to even acknowledge so we fail to realize that there's something there that we can actually control. But then there are things that we feel we have no power over. For those things, is it possible to tell someone? "Misery loves company" and this isn't just a sadistic urge that humans have for no reason. When we find others with the same problems, we are able to pick each other's brains about possible solutions. There's another one, "Two heads are better than one". Maybe there's something you're not seeing that someone's who's gone through the same thing knows about. That was a long painful sentence to read and I apologize.
4. The Ugly: Let me just talk about that word, Ugly. It has a bad rep. But I love it. I'm part of the niche crowd that uses it with a sense of endearment. Much of my hang-ups in life, I solved by changing my relationship with Ugly. More than my sense of self-worth ceasing to depend on my outward appearance, I see ugly as a sign of progress. Ugly is something that's on its way towards becoming. It's finding one's way. It's not incomplete, it's just in the process, and that's what life is. It's only complete when it ends. And So I Therefore Conclude: Ugliness and Beauty is like Life and Death. Polar opposites that are unalienable from each other. Just like.. well, poles. 

          So. In your life, what's being completed? What's in the middle of the process; something you started but haven't finished? Something you like but isn't "quite there yet"? And maybe, how do we look at it differently? As you being a Real Live Person, in the middle of figuring things out?

So there are questions for today. Maybe we ask them every now and then. This can be a model we use everyday when we meditate in the morning, or this could be just a one time thing. It's a dish I've made from ingredients I've taken from different sources that I have now served to you. Maybe you take something out from it, or maybe you just eat and run, and burn off all of the energy. But that's your process. Make it yours. As for me, I'm done with this one, and hoping to make more in the future.

Now, lunch.

State of Flow Through Sushi Go!

if you think these spreads are too lucky to be unstaged... you would be right.

Today, Beardy and I played Sushi Go!

It was the weekend, we felt like we deserved to do fun things after a tiring week, and since there were enough days between today and the next work day, I actually could relax into it, and my panicky "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE FUN" mode was completely off.

It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed trying for a change, to do some of the shuffling and dealing of the cards, and adding of points. Something I always let Beardy do because he does it faster and more efficiently, and we often play with friends and not just the two of us, so I don't want to take other people's time. But today was all about just enjoying ourselves, and Beardy is like a very supportive father when it comes to me trying to do it on my own, no matter how embarassingly slow.

Afterwards, I had some very queer feels, which I shared with him: That was relaxing, but also exciting! ("Just like Japan!" I had to say, not only because of Sushi, but because this day we're also trying to sort out the itinerary for the trip we'll take there in May)

Relaxing and Exciting.. Two things that don't normally come together for me. I'm either relaxed and therefore kind of demotivated to do anything but lay around, or excited, and therefore agitated and leaving nice wads of hair all over the floor.

But I think that's what the ideal state of flow is supposed to feel like.

It's easy to know how one should be like, to know about a state of mind, or a state of heart, but to truly be able to be there, in that state of mind or state of heart is really the only way one can be familiarized with in in such a way that can make it easier to recognize and therefore capture, or inhabit more often.

And when it clicked, when I recognized it as it happened, I thought, could I try and inhabit this state when creating art? When writing songs, playing, singing, when writing creatively?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to just write and create, without thinking about results, but just to create in order to improve, to go through the sensation of discomfort when something isn't panning out easily, when the words don't come, without letting the desire to correct myself absolutely engulf the whole experience?

So I thought of writing this, here, now. Hoping that I could inhabit all of the "This, Here, Now"'s of my life with more ease, more clarity, lightness, and me-ness. 

it's not about me. it's not about you.

in this production that is life, where we make scripts out of ideas and perform our humanity by sharing ourselves and our work, some of us will choose to be on camera, to be under the spotlight, to be the ones on the stage.

some will choose to stay backstage, behind the camera, working their magic from behind the shadows: their work doesn't have their faces on them, and we critique their work without making it personal.

but a lot more of us will choose to be part of the audience.

the audience plays a crucial part in any performance - we are the ones with enough distance from the productions to be able to objectively critique them. we are not operating on the survival mode level of "the show must go on" and are able to keep our wits about us. sometimes too much wit, that we forget to empathize with the performers in their heavy costumes under the hot spotlight.

we are the lucky ones able to just sit down and digest whatever's offered, and to place judgement. we don't feel the frantic energy behind the production that might make our opinions about inauthentic props and bad makeup feel very petty and unjust.

oftentimes, we forget that this is a privilege we receive by taking on this more passive role.

when you are onstage, people can hear you more, but you are also given fewer chances to be wrong. each failure, each misstep, can taint your name and even remove you from the stage, if it gets too bad.

we are all people, when stripped of our roles: we have preconceived notions, biases, unkind thoughts, misdirected emotions...

but when we only operate in the realm of ideas, and not so much in the realm of action, we are safe to think wrongly of things at first. our silence becomes a safety net for peoples' perception of us. we can try again, change ourselves, and choose to just show up when we're better. someday...

as i get older, i try harder to remember this, and to remind myself to look at everyone, whether they be actors in the spotlight, crew members behind the scaffolds, or vocal audience members, as parts of one whole. it is this one whole, this production, that needs to be critiqued. to be improved upon.

what is it to be human? what are we imparting to this world? where are we going?

i see no harm in criticizing points of view, in fact, it's crucial. but i find it important to remember that it's not about individual vendettas, that everyone comes from some place when forming their ideas about the world. it's all about trying to tip the scale, not writing someone off because they had a bad day, chose the wrong word once, or had a fuzzy brain day, like i'm having today as i write this.

(but of course, there will be those who will repeatedly resist any efforts people around them to put them on track, those who probably need some time off and take some time alone. i am not talking about those people. sometimes some people just need to SIT. DDOOWWWNN for a bit.)

i keep getting creative blocks whenever i get new ideas. i can never put anything forward because i fear being criticized in this way. i find the warm safety of my silence to be nice and familiar for little old low-impact me.

but i'm thinking that maybe if i am able to offer myself this same kindness, it wouldn't be so bad. i will just have to ignore the little nonconstructive audience member voices in my head, and accept that when you're ~in there~, you will be imperfect, you will make mistakes, but you will exercise the muscle of being out there, and little glimpses of what's right will eventually outshine the parts that are wrong, or awkward, or poorly done.

so, here's to me having to write sentences without capitalization because it ruins my flow and i'd rather write ugly than not write at all.

here's to me probably having a few typos or grammatical errors in here somewhere that i probably won't see until someone points it out because i don't want to risk not wanting to post this at all by reading back too many times (please do tell me if you find any! i'd appreciate it.)

here's to making mistakes on stage, in front, out loud, on camera, here's to exposing myself and to accepting that sometimes, audience members can forget to be kind, but that i don't have to be unkind to myself too.

here's to deciding to fill in one role fully instead of mentally splitting myself into all roles at all times, running the risk never getting anything done as a result.

here's to less of me, and more of what i want to bring forward.

here's to less of you, and more of our interaction and its effects.

here's to the production we are creating together.

may we be both grittier yet kinder somehow.

Tourists in Santa Rosa

It used to be so empty here.

We moved here in 1996 feeling like we were leaving reality behind. After us kids almost being run over by cars just outside of our house in AAVA, my parents felt like it was a good move to go down to Santa Rosa. Fewer cars, clean air, the promise of a brand new city going about things right. No more congested roads, no oversaturation, enough green around all the buildings.

Over the years, we were able to see things slowly being built, and it was really nice. Things we used to need to go to Alabang for, we can now get here. But something went wrong along the way after 20 years, and now, every Christmas season, our main arteries, the main roads of access to our homes, become as clogged as the arteries of many people during this festive time of the year.

I'm sure there's something to be said here about excess, and our weakness when it comes to fads, even when they're not really special, or even downright inconvenient. There is nothing down here in Santa Rosa that the swarming crowds can't find in their respective hometowns, but the idea that it's greener here, and that it's a hidden secret, or that there are fewer people: paradoxically, everything that their coming here in droves cancels out.

But that's not what I'm here to write about.

Every time I've gone out recently, I've come across behaviour that I'm not used to seeing here back home. Behaviour that's expected whenever I'm out in Manila: Reckless driving, people getting into your personal space, not flushing in public toilets, littering, etc. 

And I get it: it's easy to blame things on tourists. I have to admit I always assume that those people aren't locals. It's hard to believe that locals would treat their own home like a dump. But I also feel like that's a dangerous attitude to have.

Anywhere you go, the more people there are, the less mindful they are of their surroundings.

The first paper cup on the ground triggers ten more. It's just easier to do the lazy thing when it's been done before, and there are more chances of people doing the first shitty thing, the more people there are.

What I'm saying is, maybe let's just all take responsibility. Thinking that we're any different or better than people from other places by default make us no better than the Trumps of the world. 

I'm still pretty sure tourists are less likely to care for a place than locals, but it would be bad to blame any individual for having come from anywhere they come from. It would be best to assume that people occupying a place just act in response to what they view as the default, and the more people there are, the worse the default seems to be. Crowds are just messy, and the fewer people there are, the more pristine your surroundings look. The more likely everyone is to take care of it and keep it that way.

There is still a lot to be said about what could be changed by the developers, the government, the powers that be, because they certainly could have avoided this unnecessary influx of tourists that our city is not prepared to handle, but for us who don't have a say, we should just keep choosing to inspire good behaviour in each other by setting an example. Aim to improve apparent defaults.

Clean up after ourselves, and even for others (if we're lucky enough to find the rare trashcans) spare a little spritz from your poo-fume bottle if the toilets are a little stanky, let people through in passage ways, keep right, keep your voice down in restaurants, smile at people, say thanks, even help out a lost tourist!

I'm hopeful that things will slowly improve, but we have to work as a unit. "Tourists" will take care of our place if as locals, we suggest the good behaviour strongly enough, and make it very apparent as The Thing To Do. Hating on them does nothing. Just makes us have a false sense of entitlement. We are lucky to have found this place, and have all come from other places. Some, very recently! Let's just all be better, kinder, more proactive about our behaviour in public.

Or we can just stay home.

Emotional Minimalism

What if you could declutter your feelings?

What if you could look over the stock of emotional reactions you keep around, decide which ones to keep, and which ones aren't serving you anymore, and let them go?

Sure you can't toss people out in your life, there will always be bad apples in your circles, maybe even your family, but what if you can toss out the guilt, shame, undeserved care, or any other feeling associated with them that doesn't do anyone any good?

What if you can free yourself from the insecurity of not being as good as you want to be, and make some space to stock up on feeling excited about how much you can improve instead? After all, minimalism isn't about merely having less, but rather having what is essential, and forgoing everything else.

What if you could accept and recognize the effect of toxic people on you and decide not to feel obliged to impress them, and allow yourself to keep a civil, safe distance?

The thing is, you can. Sure, it's not an exact analogy: there is no before-and-after picture you can take, and it cannot be done over one long holiday. Emotions are habits, not things, and saying they're easy to quit is like saying beating addiction is as simple as just not buying cigarettes anymore.

Most days it would feel like giving away old clothes, only to find them back in your closet the next day. Emotions are clothes, if clothes were alive and could crawl.

Emotional decluttering feels more like training a muscle. You'll have to do it regularly, but there will always be an improvement, and it should only get easier over time.

And the way to start is to stop and decide to be aware of what you have in there in the first place. A lot of objectivity, a listening ear from a friend, maybe even a bit of journalling, but the most important thing is to choose to be aware of how you feel from now on.

Know that your emotions don't have to BE you. You don't have to let the monstrous black tides that wash over you pull you away into an endless sea of hopelessness or anger. You are more like a shelf, and emotions are the books you put into it. And sure, the longer you keep some books in there, the more they're going to look like they're part of that shelf, and the shelf won't ever be the same without them. That's all fine and good if you're keeping good classics in there that remind you of how to strive in life, and how to create and keep joy. How to love, or feel grateful, so sure keep those. But if they're shitty novels or gossip rags, would the shelf never being the same be such a bad thing?

It's hard, and it will take time. But it's a choice you can always make.

And again, Minimalism is not about having the least possible amount, but about having less of what you don't need, and more of what is essential. So perhaps, replacing the bad with the good will do you more favors than just trying to create a void and resisting the icky feelings when they come. Build the habit of hopping onto a happier train of thought instead of boring a hole into an awkward memory of a moment that you can't change.

There is loads of good advice out there about the hows of it all, but the most important part is to remind yourself that it's an option. There is a different way to live. There is a way to think kinder, that is, thinking in a way that is kinder to yourself, and this will allow you to also be kinder to others.

Since we're welcoming a new year soon, perhaps it would be a good time to start.

Tricycle Therapy aka Dealing with my Demons in the Dark

Coming home today I had a nice talk with Beardy. It was one of those talks where what you say just unfolds by itself, sort of a live epiphany in front of a one-man audience.

It helped that we were in the dark, in a cramped tricycle, loud motor running, me buzzed from sitting all day making* art. I felt like bursting, and was in a safe space to do so.

I told him about how I think I've been avoiding being "seen" for a long time, because I wasn't comfortable with myself.

Being "seen" as in leaving any sort of impression. At first I claimed that I didn't want to leave any strong impression on anyone, and so I feel scared when people seem to get a whiff of my critical/agit side (I attempt to mask this by showing my kooky/awkward side so people know I don't bite) but I suddenly realised that I was trying to not make ANY impression at all.

Thus I had an aversion to speaking my mind without being asked (by name, not as part of a crowd), or to volunteer for things, or to make friends with people I liked or admired.

But recent developments had made it so that I've been spending more time with those people, and so it's becoming very unlikely for them to not have any impression of me. And so this provided a stark contrast from how things were just a year ago, which made the reasons, I guess, bubble up to the surface.

let's provide a visual! the oil = deep seated issues. they were stuck to the bottom when i was socially empty and friends = water!! 

It's because I have an ideal self, and I know I'm far from being her as of yet.

My ideal self would be kind enough to speak her mind, ask questions when in doubt of what someone says, but sound calm and reassuring enough that the person wouldn't feel attacked. But that takes a lot of nerve. It takes a very calm person. And I'm typically a very nervy person.

I get too nervous when speaking up around people because I'm overly either sensitive or imaginative about what they would think or how they'd feel of/about what I say.

It's kind of funny to realise this now, at a point in my life where I've supposedly very decidedly stopped caring what other people think about me. But now I realise that that only goes as far as my appearance. I don't care about being ugly, fat, or hairy. But I do care about being kind.

Beardy reassured me that it's already a lot for me to be so ambitious about being a better person, instead of being too happy about who I already am. I told him I admired him and others, who felt comfortable to be seen as who they are. Comfortable about people knowing their impatience, pickiness, all of their glorious idiosyncrasies, but he said he admired that I'm aware of mine and would like to improve upon them instead of settling.

I'm realising that perhaps I've reached the point of no return. There are things to be worked on that could only be worked on under the lamplight of the company of other people. I may feel like I got it together when I'm alone or unstimulated, when my mental, emotional and physical energies are untapped and thus feel abundant. I did feel like I was searching for a "flowier" state of being, rather than the safe and stagnant shell I felt I was in. Maybe I'm here now. Maybe this is how it will feel for a while.

I will feel more watched, my palms and feet will be sweaty, but I'd be learning and relating to other people more, at an exponential rate. I will feel misunderstood, I will feel scared about perhaps having said the wrong thing, but this way, I'd be able to reach and help more people, with whatever I'm called out to do. I'd be nervous because I care, and uncomfortable like I'm in a tricycle.

And maybe sometimes, that's the kindest thing to be.



 (*term used loosely: our mentor tells it's just copying because the composition is directed) 

💫2016: slow, subtle, steady af.✨ (my 2016 year review using pages from The Giving Journal)

Now, I know, I know... When it comes to the state of the world, "slow, subtle, steady af" is nowhere near applicable for describing the year that was. It was a rough ride. But looking at it through a more personal, introspective set of eyes, that was how my personal development in life was like this past year.
I used a CBTL Giving Journal in 2016 and it had these cutesy pages that I had fun filling out, and now that it's 2017 I'm using them to get a feel of my progress, to remember where I was at at the start:

Late in 2015, subject to numerous tiring bus rides, I had a lot of time to think of a way to picture how I wanted 2016 to go. What steps I wanted to take. That was when I got the inspiration to imagine my life as a flower:

I imagined:

1. that in the first quarter, I'd be preparing a good foundation for myself through good health and a saner state of mind (the roots of the plant, but i called it seeds for the sake of the pattern -.-).
2. In the second quarter, I'd be aiming for better structure, and an upwards movement kinda feel through a stable job and habits that I hoped would be automated thereafter (stalks),
3. the third quarter was going to be when my efforts in making regular output were going to be refined and focused into the channels where I'd find myself gravitating more towards, so that
4. in the fourth quarter, after concentrating my energy on those, I'd acquire the blooms, or in other words, I was going to have everything I do "pay off" in the end.

Of course that didn't go exactly as planned. I unexpectedly found a real life job I actually liked going to, and so that occupied me. That being said, I still managed to make it halfway through the flower thing. I felt healthier because I was more active and slept better, my work makes me feel involved and improved me in aspects I wanted to improve on. I was just really ready for feeling rooted and stable, I guess. But in my opinion, I didn't get to do much of gearing towards personal projects, and I think that's vital for me to feel truly balanced.

BUT if I may, past Bea, there's something I'd like to change in that whole flowchart/metaphor thingy you got there:

I think the fourth one was a bit too focused on receiving things, like I needed success to be guaranteed. Blooms shouldn't be about things that are not in my hands, methinks. It should just be about me being able to look back into what I worked on and feel like I finished things I started. But I still like the part where I say something to the effect of "to know how to introduce myself to strangers." I think blooming should also be about getting a better sense of my identity through things I've done, so that's staying.

So I only made it to the halfway point of the marathon, but I'm still much better off from where I'm started, so I'm really happy! Aim for the stars, make it to the moon, I guess.

That being said, "my 2016 life mantra" in the CBTL Giving Journal guided me quite well:

I grew in so much ease (I guess it pays off to take things slow), much more ease than I thought was possible. And indeed, it was through being kinder to myself (and others - tension arises when we assume the worst of people who hurt us, and love blooms when we give them a chance)...

So! Good improvements:

• I've been taking on more things than I'm used to for work, and I'm staying afloat! It's done my confidence a lot of good. I used to think I had no perseverance. But I'm learning that I just need people around me sometimes, and that accountability works on me.
• Managing that by finally, finally being able to naturally apply the "one thing at a time" thing that I've always been trying to learn how to do (I say this time and time again - it's one thing to know something, and another thing to apply. Think of that the next time you nag someone or yourself.). I can actually stop worrying once I decide that it's not time for it yet; such a big relief!
• Being more open about my flaws, being able to dissect my own behaviour and change. A lot of people are good at seeing other people's flaws, but it takes a certain level of perseverance to see your own flaws and not be defensive about them. I've always admired people who can do that and in turn create wonderful things with that self-awareness, and I feel like I'm slowly getting there. Makes me happy. (And relieved!) It also allows me to get closer to people easier.
• I'm getting a little better at hushing that negative voice in my brain! Sure, I look crazy at times because sometimes I tell it to stop out loud, but hey, whatever works, right?
• I sleep at night and wake up in the morning regularly now. It's kind of a huge deal.
• I can moderately extrovert a bit more than before. Still wrecks me with anxiety from time to time, especially when I have a lot on my plate, but I'm managing!

And here are the things that need improvement:

• WRITE THINGS DOWN AND DON'T LOSE THEM AND ACTUALLY READ THEM AGAIN PLEASE?! So many missed opportunities for blog posts and fiction and whatnot.
• Speaking my mind about a risky thing without getting scared/shaking/feeling like my throat is full of ice
• Working on personal projects for real this time outside of work
• More balance between trusting myself and honing the mindset that allows me to feel accountable enough to meet that trust
• I'd also like if there was less automatic negative self-talk to hush in the first place
• More physical activity!!!

Goodbye, 2016. Was nice knowing you!

The Art of Doing

This pool is just two floors away from me, but in the 3-4 months that I’ve lived here I’ve only used it about 3-4 times as well. Sometimes we do get things that we want handed to us, and still find ourselves unable to let ourselves enjoy them. Having Things isn’t worth much without the skill of Experiencing.

And yes, I’ve found that Experiencing is a life skill. It takes skill to recognize opportunities when they come, to do things that make us feel good and be better, and to have the will to go for them.

Many times, I see the logical value of taking advantage of valuable free experiences, but somehow in my heart I feel uncomfortable about doing so. My usual default reasons are social stress and transportation, and yet, even without those things being in the way, I find it hard to reach out and do things.

I’m sure there’s some inner work to do here, and I do feel like I’m doing that inner work. It’s slow, but I feel like I’m moving towards the right direction.

Schooled!: Things of Note

Just giving you a peek of what life has been like at work:

Right before classes started, the teachers had a nice little art workshop together. I took home a few cards from a watercolor exercise and used it to cover my work notebook, where I jot down random things. The school hosts many talks, workshops, even yoga classes, mostly for free. This is something very striking that I found about my new place of work. It's a school that values the personal development (and well-being) of the teachers just as much as it does for the students, and that's saying a lot, because I find that it cares much, much more about the kids than most schools I've come across in my life.

Birthdays are a big thing in Kindergarten. Here is the very first birthday wreath I've ever made, for a four-year-old. I try to pattern them according to the celebrant's age.

Hi Mom (one hand set-up ftw \m/ i'm holding the ball in my elbow-pit)

Aside from ~homemakin~, Kindergarten in my school requires a lottt of crafting! 

*palpability of excitement is OVER 9000*

We make toys for open-ended play, decorative crafts, puppets and props for story time, etc! I'm learning the very basics of crochet and knitting for now, but one night I was feeling ambitious and took on a SNOWFLAKE!

wet + stretch technique for taut and alive isnofleks

It was a success, but of course I don't remember how to do it anymore. I can only do it while watching the video. huahuahua. (Which I wanna do soon because CHRISTMAS!)

I also made a very simple (and admittedly very cartoony) but cute monkey for a puppet show we had recently and that was super rewarding:

Ooh-ooh, Ahh-ahh..ng cuute!

I may have always thought of myself as someone who was crafty and creative or whatever, but it's dawned on me often that although I have many creative ideas, I rarely am able to finish actual work, and this job really allows me to practice more, because somehow, being tasked to finish work, or to create output puts less pressure on making the work perfect, because it's less ~personal~, and it just needs to fit certain requirements that are specified. And in turn, being used to making more work also makes even the more personal work easier, because I'm already in the practice of Doing rather than Overthinking. It's really nice.

But aside from finish-able projects, there is also plenty of room for free playing, and not just for the kids! I also find myself playing around a lot more, and getting back in touch with what doing things for fun is like. Often in my adult life, I've found myself stuck in having to make everything I create mean something, or serve a purpose. There wasn't much free energy flowing outward from me, and I feel like it coagulated somehow and corked my energy in, even when I actually needed it. But my job somehow unstuck me from that somewhat! It put the focus out of my head and into my hands. It strengthens what I believe they refer to as my "Will".

None Some of Your Beeswax

Some of free-playing can be very soothing. There's an activity that our main teacher uses to calm the kids down if we have time before Story Time - everyone gets a ball of beeswax and just molds it into whatever. Beeswax, if you don't already know, isn't exactly as soft as play-dough. You have to be both slower and but more deliberate with it. It's done to make the kid's fingers stronger and to sort of herd their energies inwards rather than outwards. It helps them sit down and focus.

ma lidol ocdapus

The toys in the classroom are mostly wood, rope, cloth, and metal. Raaaaaaaaaarely plastic, and little paint. It makes the children's play-world less bright and deafening. The textures are tame and more like nature. And dolls are used to encourage empathy and gentleness.

The kids love tying things together with rope, building structures like houses, shops, and cars. Big ones, with chairs and some wooden skeletal components, often using colorful cloth for walls and roofs (more like pretty canopies). One time we even found them with an island kitchen layout, while one of the girls recreated my story table of The Three Little Pigs, and performed it super well, too! We thought it was reminiscent of our school café!

Early in the mornings, they only play with the "small toys" and during that time, they learn how to share, to borrow, to negotiate with train cars, train tracks, blocks, et cetera (with varying results). I think social manners are so important to establish early on for balanced and confident people (being someone who was super awkward and shy for most of my life), and it's really nice that the school puts that forward. Here is a "car parking building" the kids made next to a train track:

I'm really happy to find myself in a job where I really feel like I'm helping people. And on a more selfish level, a job where I'm not encouraged to put the job before my sanity or health, and where in fact I am encouraged to take care of those things. I remember being told during my interview that I "need to sleep enough for this job"... I came from a call center, so hearing that was as touching as it was confusing for me. They actually care about you (?!!?!?), not just what you can do for them.

I'm putting this picture of our daily fruit box because it's cute. And because I love that they encourage children to love fruit.

The school really feels like a community to me, and I didn't expect it to come to us this way, but that's exactly what Beardy and I wanted to have just a year ago, aside from a place of our own. We wanted to find our own community, with people who were a little more like us. 

This picture is special to me, I made vegan patties, lemonade, and a vegetarian potato salad for a birthday I co-prepped with my co-assistant teacher!! ♥

I'm glad that it's happening to a certain extent, and I just hope it gets even better from here. 

Life Update: Teacher Sophie?!

OH. MY. GOD.

I can't believe a full five months have passed since I was last here! What happened?! *shock emoji*

Well, a couple of things:

• Beardy and I moved out of my family home and into a nice little studio apartment nearby (so I get to go home a lot to see Sansa! haha) and we're loving it here.
• He and I got a job in an awesome school in the area (such a relief not having to commute to Manila for work!) And he still has his position from last year, so he currently teaches in two schools on alternate week days, while I have a full time job as a PRESCHOOL TEACHER!!!

*CUE CONFETTI*

I finally get to check that one off of my list of "dream jobs" :) The kids call me Teacher Sofie (Sofia is one of my birth names, while the nickname I've gone by since I was a baby actually isn't? Just a name my mom really liked), and often it's spelled with a "ph" by my colleagues, which I oddly prefer now. The kids can't really tell because they aren't at the age yet where they're taught to spell. Because it's a progressive school! A wonderful progressive school that prioritises the wellbeing and freedom of the younglings over ticking off checklists and getting ahead in terms of academics. Which sounded great to me.. and it is!!!

Anyway, I have a lot of good things to say about the school and I will in a seperate post, probably. For now, I just want to do a little update about things that happened in the past months while I've been gone:

We settled in! Moved our stuff in, bought a pan and a pot, color coordinated a lot (mostly green and blue for everything with minimal additions of red/purple!) and arranged stuff the best way we can in our tiny home. I love calling it tiny home, especially cos I recently started watching a lot of minimalism/minimal living type of videos around the time we moved. We aren't exactly living in a trailer in a forest with minimal electricity; in fact I think we're living quite comfily since we have a common pool outside and we use a/c, but it helped me a lot in acquiring less stuff, owning more mindfully, and detaching from my possessions.

This isn't our house, just the view out our window. It's a tiny room but with a BIG VIEW and that's a nice metaphor about our life right now I guess haha.

But that doesn't mean though that I live in a space that's dull! I still like creating small spaces of interest in the room. But the things I use are usually cheap, recycled, and/or multipurpose. This noteboard on the fridge came from the bottom of a cake box. Can you see the faces Beardy drew on the dino magnets? Hehehehe

Beardy's 26th Birthday!! We had a simple yet special one since it's our first on our own. Just a nice home-cooked meal (greek chicken and veg, tzatziki, tapenade, pan fried pita bread -all from scratch!-, and fresh Moroccan mint tea!) and his favorite Purple Oven brownies :)

Paradores Del Castillo in Taal has such an adorable turquoise/aqua motif!!!

Ihaw Boodle meal at Don Juan Boodle House

Last month, Beardy's family visited us again!!! But this time, it was for two whole weeks!!! It was super nice, even though Beardy and I still had to go to work. We did get to go away for a whole weekend together, it was to Taal and Anilao, Batangas. The weather did not let up, but neither did our spirits! We made up for the bad weather and power outages with boardgames and whatnot. It was such a nice thing to be with them so often, and they were so game for everything! We often would squish ourselves inside a single tricycle to go out for dinner haha. I miss them already.

Eagle Point. We didn't get to swim in the ocean though, just the pool. But we stared at it a lot. The waves were crazy but beautiful haha.

 We also had a nice lunch at Angelfields with my family one day and that was also nice because we were all complete and it's such a beautiful place!

I sadly only managed to take a picture of the tarragon tea. haha! But isn't it pretty? I had soup and a sandwich.

Edit: I forgot to add three events!!!:

1. Beardy and I also had our 70th monthsary! Isn't it crazy how fast time flies? We had dinner at Ziggurat. Cos it's our fave, and it's just downstairs.

(Fun fact: Ziggurat follows us around. When we stayed in makati for 10 days, we were looking for a good restaurant nearby and found out that the #1 Tripadvisor restaurant was just a short walk away from the AirBnb we booked. Then when we moved in this apartment, we noticed there was one downstairs! Whuuut. Too lucky.)

2. My aunt had her 60th bday this month! And our family had a bowling tournament. It was really fun, we don't usually actually do things for parties other than eat, drink and sit around so that was a really nice change. Hope we do more fun stuff from now on! ♥

Some pics from my tita Del's FB:

3. Also, our old neighbors/childhood friends from Alabang came by our house!! It's been YEARS since we were last together! The kuyas of the group live in Vegas now and they visited because their grandma (who we all call Nanay) passed away.

This was us in 1992:

And 24 whole years later!!!!:

Lastly, but very important!!!! Carmen and Aizel FIIIINALLY got to see our new place! Pia still hasn't due to BPO scheduling (huhu) but it was so cool to have them over. We had rumcokes and chats up on the roof while families flew kites, enjoyed the view, and I cooked them dinner! We had a bit of a giggle about how adult it seemed to host a dinner for your friends at your own place. It felt really cool but also made us feel really old haha! We all have new jobs right now and it just felt like a nice stopover before starting a looong road trip in our lives. They're both in Makati but I really hope we get to do it again really soon. With Pia.

So that's more or less my life right now. Just trying to make it work. The first few months have been very draining energy-wise and thus I didn't get to keep up with Youtube and this blog, but as I get more of a hang of my new job I imagine to be able to juggle it with my other interests on the side! Soon I'll be practicing guitar again, I'll certainly be on here more, and who knows, maybe I'll get to upload videos on Youtube again. I DON'T KNOW!! Isn't that great!! The world is so big and full of possibilities.