The older I get the more I wanna write

 to write lives i've never lived

and slowly feel like i'm never going to be able to live

i want to write about a woman that does everything and has all the energy in the world

and constantly gives

someone who takes care of their dad on his deathbed and lets him tell them his life story before he passes on

my body is so tired, though i may be so young 

there are stories i want to write that hopefully will pull me towards themselves

the un-impossible ones

creativity is a salve to my soul - a placebo in place of worlds lost, a preview to worlds that can still be, just not right now.

I've wasted so much time

but in a way, if i write

I might gain more timelines to live lives that are not mine

it's not about me. it's not about you.

in this production that is life, where we make scripts out of ideas and perform our humanity by sharing ourselves and our work, some of us will choose to be on camera, to be under the spotlight, to be the ones on the stage.

some will choose to stay backstage, behind the camera, working their magic from behind the shadows: their work doesn't have their faces on them, and we critique their work without making it personal.

but a lot more of us will choose to be part of the audience.

the audience plays a crucial part in any performance - we are the ones with enough distance from the productions to be able to objectively critique them. we are not operating on the survival mode level of "the show must go on" and are able to keep our wits about us. sometimes too much wit, that we forget to empathize with the performers in their heavy costumes under the hot spotlight.

we are the lucky ones able to just sit down and digest whatever's offered, and to place judgement. we don't feel the frantic energy behind the production that might make our opinions about inauthentic props and bad makeup feel very petty and unjust.

oftentimes, we forget that this is a privilege we receive by taking on this more passive role.

when you are onstage, people can hear you more, but you are also given fewer chances to be wrong. each failure, each misstep, can taint your name and even remove you from the stage, if it gets too bad.

we are all people, when stripped of our roles: we have preconceived notions, biases, unkind thoughts, misdirected emotions...

but when we only operate in the realm of ideas, and not so much in the realm of action, we are safe to think wrongly of things at first. our silence becomes a safety net for peoples' perception of us. we can try again, change ourselves, and choose to just show up when we're better. someday...

as i get older, i try harder to remember this, and to remind myself to look at everyone, whether they be actors in the spotlight, crew members behind the scaffolds, or vocal audience members, as parts of one whole. it is this one whole, this production, that needs to be critiqued. to be improved upon.

what is it to be human? what are we imparting to this world? where are we going?

i see no harm in criticizing points of view, in fact, it's crucial. but i find it important to remember that it's not about individual vendettas, that everyone comes from some place when forming their ideas about the world. it's all about trying to tip the scale, not writing someone off because they had a bad day, chose the wrong word once, or had a fuzzy brain day, like i'm having today as i write this.

(but of course, there will be those who will repeatedly resist any efforts people around them to put them on track, those who probably need some time off and take some time alone. i am not talking about those people. sometimes some people just need to SIT. DDOOWWWNN for a bit.)

i keep getting creative blocks whenever i get new ideas. i can never put anything forward because i fear being criticized in this way. i find the warm safety of my silence to be nice and familiar for little old low-impact me.

but i'm thinking that maybe if i am able to offer myself this same kindness, it wouldn't be so bad. i will just have to ignore the little nonconstructive audience member voices in my head, and accept that when you're ~in there~, you will be imperfect, you will make mistakes, but you will exercise the muscle of being out there, and little glimpses of what's right will eventually outshine the parts that are wrong, or awkward, or poorly done.

so, here's to me having to write sentences without capitalization because it ruins my flow and i'd rather write ugly than not write at all.

here's to me probably having a few typos or grammatical errors in here somewhere that i probably won't see until someone points it out because i don't want to risk not wanting to post this at all by reading back too many times (please do tell me if you find any! i'd appreciate it.)

here's to making mistakes on stage, in front, out loud, on camera, here's to exposing myself and to accepting that sometimes, audience members can forget to be kind, but that i don't have to be unkind to myself too.

here's to deciding to fill in one role fully instead of mentally splitting myself into all roles at all times, running the risk never getting anything done as a result.

here's to less of me, and more of what i want to bring forward.

here's to less of you, and more of our interaction and its effects.

here's to the production we are creating together.

may we be both grittier yet kinder somehow.

Hey Questioner Artists! Perfect is the Enemy of Good: When Self-Doubt & Perfectionism get in the way of Creating

If you read back in my blog even a little bit, you'd notice many times where I allude to writing more from then on and then stopping after a couple weeks of doing so.

I get cold feet when I start writing, and I'm always trying to fight against it but it seems that I always know the perfect thing to say to stop myself from making progress:

The information is probably going to be inaccurate. I'll miss some important detail and fail to get my point across. Why bother?

Oh it's a sensitive issue, I don't want to offend anybody.

There is no way anybody's going to find this interesting enough to read.

I'm pretty sure I've said this before in one way or another. It's too redundant.

I don't know what to write right now so instead of staying on the page to figure that out I'll go and watch/read something to occupy that void I feel that could really only be filled by me writing and not this thing I'm about to watch/read.

I'm not in the zone just yet so I'm going to passively wait for the zone to come to me while distracting myself from the zone instead of staying in this blank page a.k.a. just putting myself in the zone like seriously it's so simple why do I keep doing this....

I've been catching up on Gretchen Rubin's Happier podcast because I finally stumbled on a note I wrote a while ago (I'm really bad at actually reading my notes-to-self as much as I keep writing new ones) to watch out for her episode on Questioners - the type I identify with within her Four Tendencies framework, which attempts to categorize people based on how they respond to things they are expected to do. Here is the basic summary of it on her site:

• Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations
• Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations
• Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves
• Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike

For a while I started doubting if I was indeed a Questioner and not a Rebel instead, because I seem to keep failing to follow my own expectations even after I've convinced myself about why I'm doing them the first time (read: previous parenthesis!). I sleep, wake up, then poof! My mood is the captain of the ship again.

But now I realise that it's not because I want to be disobedient to myself, or that I want to be in charge of each moment as they come - it's because for some strange reason, I somehow lose touch of my reasoning very easily in the face of more immediate concerns, often fear and anxiety. Honestly, I'm hoping it's just a case of me having established bad habits so strongly that it's hard to start new ones without having a strong external reset signal for them, like a renovation, a new house, a near-death experience (please don't let it get to that Bea!) ?!?!

Anyway, the conclusion that seems to make sense to my questioning self after having listened to the podcast is that I can combat these unhelpful rationalizations with some helpful ones! Here are some I've compiled:

1. When speaking about something I care about and I'm doubting the thoroughness and carefulness of my work- This whole thing does not rely on me, I am just one person speaking their mind who might touch just a couple of others. Inaccuracies, or left-out sentiments are just an edit or a comment away should they arise.
2. When I irrationally fear a backlash in spite of not having enough readers for that to happen anyway- It's highly unlikely, and if it even happens, that's a good thing! That means you have readers who are engaged enough to respond. And you can always respond back, and you've grown in such a way where you are able to argue amicably. Use that skill, trust it, develop it! Use it or lose it! That's the point of social media anyway.
3. When I am tempted to forgo talking about my own very messy experiences, and attempt to just relay good advice instead of talking about my own journey - Being honest and genuine is more important than being correct, because there are a lot of people far more qualified to speak to specialized information than me. That's not my job here. My job here is to be me and to speak about what I experience, and yes I can sprinkle my theories here and there, but I have to show my flaws too. I need to be open about how messy the journey is for people who might have the same problems. Showing my weaknesses and vulnerability in light of what I am trying to change will be more helpful and insightful than purified advice that has been heard many times. That's how I learn, through watching other flawed people overcome things, and that's how I can most effectively teach anything, too, if at all.

These are the things that apply to me for my internet spaces (YouTube and this blog) where I'm attempting to both document and make sense of my own life. If it does not apply to what you're trying to do, the guidelines in making counter-rationalizations is to lay everything out when you're in a state of analysis paralysis, and take only the parts that stir you to action, and focus on those. And if you're as forgetful as me, make a system where you are reminded of those helpful, actionable rationalizations when you need them.

Spiralling into inaction thru spiralling into chronic imagination

ALRIGHT. Since I've been finding it hard to sit my butt down and write a proper post and consequently forgot to update this blog about my channel's first vlog (?!?!?!?!?) Let me attempt to gather myself today and do just that.

There. now that's that out of the way...

I have big plans for this year. I'm attempting to veer closer to the edge of my comfort zone (and maybe even... step on the line??? possibly.. step... OUT? of it???! even??) and even though I saw January come and go without much of my plans really working, I'm still daring, still trying, still figuring out what works for me and how I can trick myself into making things happen because I have the worst attention span.

I feel like I have short term memory a lot. It's hard to see my whole life in one picture in my brain, it's always in bits and pieces and I lose touch of what I need to accomplish a lot because of this. 

It seems that the more plans i have in place, the less I get done! Perhaps I can use the fact that we have a dying dog and a sick dog as an excuse, but I spend far too much time playing Neko Atsume and watching YouTube to even buy that.

No, there is no excuse. The explanation though? I had a fuzzy brain for days and have sort of settled into the type of lifestyle that it causes. I can't latch on (focus my attention) to creative activities, except when it's in an erratic and impulsive way instead of an organized scheduled one.

So, things I can't do at the moment:

1. edit things
2. focus on tedious attention-requiring tasks (but some of them that can fall into this category can help if i do them impusively! see below)
3. write in a calculated manner
4. mentally connect ideas from different days into working tasks without INTENSE EFFORT
5. in the same manner, coming back to a task that takes time again and again with breaks in between is really hard ~ once i do something else, i am repelled by coming back to what i need to finish.
6. COME BACK TO MY PLANS AND DO THEM?!

But! things I #1 can do / #2 am doing / #3 should do more of:

1. deep cleaning, any cleaning, organizing, chores (they clear my head and help me get back to doing meaningful things)
2. impulsive writing (what i'm doing right now!)
3. imaginative activities, in short!! bursts!!! (also what i'm trying right now)
4. physical tasks (if i am caffeinated enough and have an electric fan facing me to cool me off cos it feels like i'm a hamster and am constantly shaking slightly and creating heat and have sweaty pits)
5. impulsively singing and turning my life into a musical because it releases tension i get from trying to focus (only counts as a #1&2 this is useless and annoying but i'm turning into Linda Belcher AAALRRIIIIIGHT)
6. DEEP TALKS AND LIKE THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WANNA DO AND STUFF (also writing things in parentheses too much)

So since I have a video series lined up about PURGING MY THINGS anyway i might just shoot the timelapse parts where i show some of the action happening while I'm in this neurotic state. And then I'll do the rest when I'm back in fighting form. Also I'm going to keep "scribing" with my journal and planners to help ground me and remind me of things I need to do. Even though it takes so much effort to focus on that too!

Also yesterday I had a very fruitful date with my Frond Carmen in which we brainstormed about projects of a personal and collaborative and speculative nature. I'm excited about those, but I need to plot them properly in my planners! I HOPE I FIND THE FOCUS TO DO SO

So yeah. I'm just going to work with what I have right now, because it's the best thing to do given the circumstances. I can't keep waiting for the composed, coherent, functional me to surface before I make anything because it's starting to be clear that if I do that, I won't be showing the whole picture. And the point of all this documenting and reflecting that I'm doing with my blogging and vlogging projects is to be honest with myself, and to whoever tunes in, so that I can paint an honest picture of struggles that people like me face everyday, and how I make things work, when I do. I don't want to give people who might need whatever help or insight i can offer the impression that anything is effortless, or a straight line going up, when you climb uphill these things.

And because there's a severe lack of visuals in this here blog post let me impulsively reward you with a taste of my very raw Photoshopping skills. With a takoyaki border. It's what we ate while discussing things yesterday. Hahaha.

 God it was so good.

impulsive "honest-to-blog*" life update for other night owls

isn't it funny how much we change as people throughout our lives? how much of the stuff we thought were the shit just kinda make us cringe and toss around at night? in my case it was how much of what i wrote i derived from the movies i watched, which had very particular language that i couldn't really possibly do that without sounding obvious (*Juno, 2007). luckily i didn't try to get away with that or anything, i pointed to them as much as i could. heck, in my previous about page, i took a .gif from Scott Pilgrim, which was where i got the previous blog title from, "Getting A Life."

i recently had a branding overhaul though - okay, maybe tweak is more proportionate to the intensity - over here and that's gone now. what's left is what i hope would be something more central to just me as a person and the messages i want to send out rather than some big event where i get a life; because how daunting is that?! does that mean i don't have one? maybe i'm fine just sitting here and slowly becoming okay with who i am, you know? so yeah now this blog, like my other social media, will simply be called beawilderment.

now, on to other life things...

recently i started shooting a collaborative video project with friends and it felt really good and natural to be tinkering around with video editors. it felt good immersing myself in something i enjoy, even if it's just for fun. or maybe, because it's just for fun. and it sure doesn't hurt that i get to do it with friends.

quote based on a facebook post by Tara Stiles

other than that, on days where i feel like it, i paint and draw, usually words. i'm still not immersed in it as much as i want to be because i usually don't feel like i'm in the right shape for it somehow, or it's too hot in my room, or my back hurts, or it's too hot in my room.. 

it's usually because it's too hot in my room.

but it's been easier to be fully immersed in the little things that make life good. noticing little things when i'm outside that look beautiful. the way people dress, plants, animals, food, architecture... and interactions with people i love. and finding little cheap stuff i want or need like shampoo, cleaning fluids, or pencil cushions, pictured above.

anyway, i just felt chatty and like maybe i want to just take time to share a tiny bit of life on here off-script. since i've decided to really give this a shot i've been feeling somewhat stiff and formulaic and therefore don't really get to do much posting because i have stuff lined up that stress me out. hahaha. too much pressure. so silly. anyway, i'll try to do "organic" things like this apart from conceptual stuff just so i keep myself in the mood for it.

anyway, if you happen to have clicked on this and read through everything, thanks! hope to see you here more often.

Two-faced Hope

Each day is like a bite-sized summary of how my life has been as a whole (at least, so far). I entered this world with my eyes full of stars, with my head held high. My conviction and confidence clear and solid and easy to see. But that was back when the world around it was still hazy, and I understood little. A hazy, misty, blissful, blue dawn. I was a streak of black ink; brazen, bold, standing out. But the background doesn't stay hazy for very long in anyone's life.

We start learning things; seeing the world around us. How big it is, how small we are.. How little we can change. What's worse, it becomes clear how hard it is to stay in control as we grow up and build habits, good and bad. And how much of living can become automatic and prescribed and inauthentic.

 The world is coming clearer to me in streaks. A sunset so full of color and vibrancy. My voice, once so strong, turns into an uneasy whisper. My hopes become like smoke, dull among the brightness of all life. 

They say happiness is all about managed expectations. And my hopes were too high yet empty. I dreamt of ziplines so high that where I am now, starting from the ground to make mounds from the ground to step on instead, seems so unexciting. But mounds of dirt can make hills, and maybe even mountains someday. Mounds of dirt are what makes ziplines even possible.

I was too sure in my blindness, too complacent in that hazy view, that now that things are clearer, the vibrancy of the vast sky brings me fear. I don't want to be afraid. Instead of being weak and quiet smoke, I want to become a cloud. To ride the sunset and to be a part of the vibrancy itself.

A homebody's home-buddies. (Cute .gifs ahead!)

I discovered that my s4 (mom's hand-me-down, thank you so much Mama, changed my life) has this really cool camera mode called "Animated Photo" which essentially, makes gifs by picking areas in the picture you want to move while leaving the rest stationary. Only catch is, The output files are freakin' huge! So you might have to wait a bit for these to load. Leave them in the background or something!

This was the very first one I made with it and it's made me want to go to the beach or some other body of water so I can make more water .gifs! They are so relaxing. Although maybe not like this, from a tap. Makes me feel a bit anxious actually, especially with the recent water shortages. SOMEONE TURN IT OFF OH MY GOD.

This one I find to be super cute. It captures my little cousin Fheebo in his element. Bubbles make him scream and squeal. He's too excited about them! I love the way he pokes them mid air. bluplupblubup. blup blup.. blup blup!

Shortly after Fheebo's bubbles ran out, my brother Jaro comes home and Sansa excitedly welcomes him. Jaro, being the smart psychologist that he is, decides to wait until she calms down before acknowledging her. Luckily it happens within the 5-second window that the cam mode allows and I get to capture it! I love that she just plops down in front of him even though she's still really excited. 

"OKAY OKAY I'M CALM I'M CALM!!! PET ME NOW PLEEEASE ASDKJASFKAJL"

Anyway I'm officially a homebody now that I've quit my tutoring job, but weirdly enough, I've been going out a lot more ever since! I've been trying to be more outgoing and less... afraid of everything. I'm going to just immerse myself into music, art and introspective writing (and other things those things inspire) during this time while waiting for ~the big move~ which I might talk about later. I might need some spending money though, so I still have motivation to create stuff! Anyone of you who like my stuff at this beginner stage of style-discovery (haha it seriously surprises me that people like them at times, but in a really good way!), you can send me a message or email if you want a handwritten quote, an artwork or anything like that! I'm going to pour myself into just this. Just being this, just doing what I love doing. See where it goes from there. Start where I already am.

I'll try to be here a lot more too, this is where I want everything compiled after all! Because where else would they be if not here? (Tumblr, probably if I'm being honest.)

Old Lady Dreams

My brother and I were browsing a department store, when this lady with short, gray hair and a bright flowing yellow skirt caught my eye. She seemed so interesting and cool and full of energy and smiles. I told my brother "that's what I want to be like when I'm older." and he replied with something really weird and funny:

I don't know which aunt or family friend of ours starred in whatever memory he has that gave him that weird association, but in any case, I was like, shit yeah I want to grow older like that. (as you can see, I later attempted to draw her when we got back home).

But after came a more serious thought, which I also shared to him. In a normal lifespan, we spend about half of it "old". That is, what society seems to signify as old. I'd rather look forward to that time and prepare for it, and celebrate it when it comes, rather than hold on to my youth so dearly, fearing it passing me by. It's coming anyway.

Because I have to admit, especially because I'm about to turn 25, I have been freaking out. I've been feeling like I'm reaching the age where people should have already had the time of their life, become successful, reaping the seeds they have sown, just chilling 'till they can chill no more (or.. chill forever, I guess *shudders*)... As if things will only count if I do them while I'm young.

I guess common entertainment media is partly to blame, like you rarely see protagonists be older than 35 in settings where the goal is success in one's career. Models are usually really young. And people who are my age, compared to me, seem so, so... adult. But mostly, I just never thought of deciding not to buy into that. To decide, hey what if I just try to defy what's expected from older people?

When I had that thought at the store, I somehow felt like I really understood how vast the portion of what's to come that is still in my hands is.
Yes, I'm going to start ageing (it's already started) but I don't need to just lie here and take it. I'm still early enough in the game that if I play my cards right, I can still prolong the time where I can be physically active, and maybe have a budding career in children's books, at, say, age 50, who knows?

In any case, I'm just going to put all the energy and focus I can muster to this present moment, whatever age I'm in, instead of losing some of it by scattering it around dreadful worries about the future and whatnot. I'll probably get better use of it that way.

quick nail art tip

Last night i felt like fiddling with my nails.. (do any of you ever get that ~itch~ to do your nails? no? am i being weird?) only problem was i already love my current nail color..  In any case, i figured out a way to get a nail art fix without removing my current polish.

The pictures aren't very good as they were taken pre-cleanup and look messy (tip: taking a shower after polish had dried cleans it right off) but I think you get the idea. I took these photos in a rush because it was an impulse kind of thing!

 If you like this look anyway, feel free to follow through these simple step by step instructions!

Note: I already had nail polish on, so put and dry your bottom colors on if you haven't already, before the stripping part. I only did my ring nail (and my thumb on impulse) and it was already in a different color (black with blue glitter) beforehand.

Tape Pattern Nail Art

1. As with anything, the first step is to gather what you need.

Scissors and Tape

 I use some regular scissors and this blue tape I got years ago; you can use any regular scotch tape that doesn't stick too much and leave residue. this one peels clean off, i like it! the color is like paint tape but it's more like thin plastic.

And your preferred nail polish, of course :)

Here we have my favorite Super Nova from Bobbie, and the lilac polish I got a while ago from Caronia, a nice bright blue from Face Shop, and a colorless top coat, from Caronia again.

Try to pick very liquid polish formulas! No thick or gummy formulas because it will be a mess when you peel the tape off.

*tip: for glitter x regular patterns, it's better to use the glitter polish as the bottom color as this leaves no risk for glitter pieces being caught by the tape and messing up the lines.


2. You will need to prepare the tape strips ahead because it can be annoying to fiddle with scissors with wet nails. You have to get the scissorwork out of the way.

Cut the tape into thin strips

It will depend on the pattern you like, but it's generally a good idea to cut even widths. In my case, i found it a bit hard (Brooklyn Nine Nine was very distracting) so I cut much more than I needed and paired off equal ones to make a varying pattern. try to cut them as parallel as you can.

3. Apply tape strips in desired pattern !!!

Apply the strips, leaving space for the top polish.

Remember that the spaces you will tape over will be the spaces in your bottom polish that will show up. So in the case of glitter polish, you can maybe pick areas with the best looking glitter and move your pattern around to show it ^w^

The pattern I wanted was a V pattern, so I paired off even strips and applied them one by one, center first, making sure that the angles are perpendicular and aligned so that the two strips look like one V. Push down up to the edges of your nails. The tape needs to be laid flat all across your nail for it to work like a stencil. Otherwise, polish would seep under. Try to also apply the strips as parallel as possible. Unless, of course, you don't want a parallel design. (Who knows! Could work.)

4. Apply your top color onto the spaces between the lines

Try to apply it smoothly, unlike the sleepy sloppy genius that I was last night.

5. Peel off the strips to reveal pattern!

Before the polish dries, peel off the strips. 

This needs to happen before it dries, because you don't want the liquid particles to form an emotional bond with each other and try to stick together when you peel their friends off with the tape. It will make your nails really messy and it will be very sad to watch them be pulled apart.

You can opt to now apply top coat - it will make the edges smoother and in the case of glitter polish, it will enhance the sparkles!

There you go ~ I hope you give this a try. There are many different patterns you can do and you can use more than one color. Make sure to link me to the pictures if you do!

a look back at my fantastic week

i got my camera back on monday, and also had some pampering done before meeting Carmen for some burgers! i didn't get to bring my camera along but we had a nice time just sitting outside in Nuvali enjoying awesome burgers at half off and talking about GETTING SERIOUS about some things..

i'm a bit worried about Brother's Burgers, it feels a lot like they're about to close shop. i hope they just manage to bring the prices down and stay, but that might be unlikely. in any case YUMMMM

on tuesday and wednesday i stayed home and worked out to jillian michael's 30 day shred..

the first day was too tough and i didn't get to do all of it, but the second day was easier. i lasted throughout the video but didn't do ALL the moves, i rested my arms for a couple of seconds at times. but I FINISHED IT and that's a huge improvement from the first day for me so whatever. my friends and i are getting into being healthy and physically active lately [well i guess we all have for a while, but only lately has it felt like a together thing], so it's nice to have people to talk to about it. we're also all trying to stay creative and active and productive. there's a lot of really awesome energy when i'm with them. i also have been making a point of taking care of myself better by moisturising, pampering myself, and cleaning my room more often! it's better to keep doing it often than like, planning to do a BIG CLEANING DAY, it's a good mindset i think to not believe something is done, when it's something that needs to be habitual like cleaning, being healthy and showering lol

on thursday Carmen, Aizel and I had a late celebration for Carmen's passing of the BOARD EXAMSSS and her birthday. We went to her house to eat, watch a movie, and hang out... and draw a mural on her garden wall.. which lasted for only a few seconds before getting rained on XD None of us were truly upset. How very zen.

getting some inspiration for our wall-chalking while snacking on some papaya and mango

watching Drinking Buddies with kimchi and nori potato chips and wine

afternoon pasta slash late lunch

porno de mercedes

my contribution in the works

making a mess. we knew it was going to rain [look at the ground in the background - it was a rainy type of day] but we wanted to try anyway. lesson learned, fun had, art captured through pictures anyway.

workstation

the finished product - most of it anyway; i realise the bottom part is cut off a bit..

on friday Carmen and I met Jess at their house and we hung out at their village's pool. it was fun hanging out with Mio too! Jess had to do makeup on a kid and left us for a bit while we swam but we got to have some spaghetti together. it was a really nice picnic!

finally we went to quezon province yesterday. it was at 4am and i took the opportunity to pull my bedtime up again by agreeing to go ~ that's right, i picked the harder option to better myself! *self high-five* 

IT WAS COMPLETELY DARK when my family came by and picked us up

i've been sleeping late for most of the week and i didn't want to stay on that road long, especially because it makes me super unproductive and because E is COMING IN 8 DAYS and we have to make the most of it. so i didn't sleep at all after coming home from Jess' and just WEENT.

...which made for very blurry photos of the unfortunately very beautiful sky at the start cos i couldn't control my arms much

but i managed to take SOME ok photos of the ride going there... the actual ride was much more beautiful though. :)

during the trip i noticed that my niece Trish has been videotaping everything lately and kind of murmuring at her tablet's mic... influenced by watching youtube vlogs perhaps.

i didn't really know where we were going exactly when i agreed to go, and i never asked. only that it was in quezon province. so imagine my surprise when i saw this:

it's like an open field, partly uphill exhibition of biblical events depicted in statues. at the very top is a huuuge monument of jesus in a pose very much like the famous brazilian one... catholics [or even non-religious tourists like me] can walk around and then climb up in a zig-zag pattern towards the big jesus.. and i guess if you reach it you can make a wish. i think.

trish at the foot of the uphill part, probably recording me while i took her picture

we didn't know it was in a zig-zag pattern though, so we didn't make it to the top due to the scary view when you're in the middle part. there's no railing acting as a physical barrier between you and rolling down the hillside like a bowling ball, and even though that's highly unlikely, the view wasn't very comforting. but i think that's part of the whole endeavor.

i could have gone on for the thrill, but Abbie has an even more legit fear of heights compared to me and neither of us slept at all so i didn't see the point in risking whatever could have happened XD

and we had fun at the garden of eden/noah's ark part anyway

some biblical n00dz

yep, a lottt of fun.

chillin in the van almost weeping to The Weepies. felt so emosh during this song and just wanted to hold my bf idek yy

we did a lottt of just waiting in the van that day, as the elders did more church stuff and met relatives, which was completely fine by me as i was zombie-like and enjoyed my grand uncle's van's aircon a lot. so i just took lots of naps. and we had buko shake!!

my tata albert our host and visitor at the same time haha

we also had lunch at this odd place that had just a lot of murky water all around us and then a mini zoo and the weirdest statue fountain ever

fheebo and tita baby

my uncles kept pokin' fun at the sign because nobody will want to fall from the zipline even if it's free

there were some reallly nice filipino treats at the entrance and they were still hot and scrummptious since we came so early everywhere we went that day

pilipit - a rice flour and squash funnel cake with coco jam goo

buchi - a firmer version of mochi covered with sesame seeds and filled with hopia filling type stuff; this one's ube [purple yam]

ate serves em up onto banana leaves

i bought a cup from the coffee vendo to go with em while waiting for the actual food - no photos tho v^^

i didn't get to take pics of the actual main food, but there was this salad made from a kind of ferny plant that i liked, luckily my mom found some so i had some again tonight.

i do have this picture though:

''It's not going anywhere...'' - Mr. Fischoeder; Bob's Burgers

it would have already still look quite startling if the penis fountain was working, but out of context and just looking like it's randomly standing there with an erect penis in front of a koi pond... it looked quite ridiculous XD what a delight.

so yeah i had the bestest best week i could have ever asked for, i love getting to see my friends so often and going out with family and working out and just SEIZING THE DAY.. i've always known what that meant but i never really felt like i lived that way on my own without an institutional body like school or church demanding it from me... so this felt really good, like taking control of my life somehow..

i'm going to try to get a lot of indoor-activities done in the coming week while staying active and ready to go out if need be; the week after that, BEARDY WILL BE HERE YAYYYY

now let's finalize this post with fheebo's adorable face again:

i'm going to have to learn to make smaller posts and more often instead of huge bomb posts like this, but for now, thank you for taking the time to read anyway :) i appreciate the dozen or so of you. haha.

have GREAT week! happy sunday!

ps. donut wory i shal remove da blue neil polesh soon