it's not about me. it's not about you.

in this production that is life, where we make scripts out of ideas and perform our humanity by sharing ourselves and our work, some of us will choose to be on camera, to be under the spotlight, to be the ones on the stage.

some will choose to stay backstage, behind the camera, working their magic from behind the shadows: their work doesn't have their faces on them, and we critique their work without making it personal.

but a lot more of us will choose to be part of the audience.

the audience plays a crucial part in any performance - we are the ones with enough distance from the productions to be able to objectively critique them. we are not operating on the survival mode level of "the show must go on" and are able to keep our wits about us. sometimes too much wit, that we forget to empathize with the performers in their heavy costumes under the hot spotlight.

we are the lucky ones able to just sit down and digest whatever's offered, and to place judgement. we don't feel the frantic energy behind the production that might make our opinions about inauthentic props and bad makeup feel very petty and unjust.

oftentimes, we forget that this is a privilege we receive by taking on this more passive role.

when you are onstage, people can hear you more, but you are also given fewer chances to be wrong. each failure, each misstep, can taint your name and even remove you from the stage, if it gets too bad.

we are all people, when stripped of our roles: we have preconceived notions, biases, unkind thoughts, misdirected emotions...

but when we only operate in the realm of ideas, and not so much in the realm of action, we are safe to think wrongly of things at first. our silence becomes a safety net for peoples' perception of us. we can try again, change ourselves, and choose to just show up when we're better. someday...

as i get older, i try harder to remember this, and to remind myself to look at everyone, whether they be actors in the spotlight, crew members behind the scaffolds, or vocal audience members, as parts of one whole. it is this one whole, this production, that needs to be critiqued. to be improved upon.

what is it to be human? what are we imparting to this world? where are we going?

i see no harm in criticizing points of view, in fact, it's crucial. but i find it important to remember that it's not about individual vendettas, that everyone comes from some place when forming their ideas about the world. it's all about trying to tip the scale, not writing someone off because they had a bad day, chose the wrong word once, or had a fuzzy brain day, like i'm having today as i write this.

(but of course, there will be those who will repeatedly resist any efforts people around them to put them on track, those who probably need some time off and take some time alone. i am not talking about those people. sometimes some people just need to SIT. DDOOWWWNN for a bit.)

i keep getting creative blocks whenever i get new ideas. i can never put anything forward because i fear being criticized in this way. i find the warm safety of my silence to be nice and familiar for little old low-impact me.

but i'm thinking that maybe if i am able to offer myself this same kindness, it wouldn't be so bad. i will just have to ignore the little nonconstructive audience member voices in my head, and accept that when you're ~in there~, you will be imperfect, you will make mistakes, but you will exercise the muscle of being out there, and little glimpses of what's right will eventually outshine the parts that are wrong, or awkward, or poorly done.

so, here's to me having to write sentences without capitalization because it ruins my flow and i'd rather write ugly than not write at all.

here's to me probably having a few typos or grammatical errors in here somewhere that i probably won't see until someone points it out because i don't want to risk not wanting to post this at all by reading back too many times (please do tell me if you find any! i'd appreciate it.)

here's to making mistakes on stage, in front, out loud, on camera, here's to exposing myself and to accepting that sometimes, audience members can forget to be kind, but that i don't have to be unkind to myself too.

here's to deciding to fill in one role fully instead of mentally splitting myself into all roles at all times, running the risk never getting anything done as a result.

here's to less of me, and more of what i want to bring forward.

here's to less of you, and more of our interaction and its effects.

here's to the production we are creating together.

may we be both grittier yet kinder somehow.

Tourists in Santa Rosa

It used to be so empty here.

We moved here in 1996 feeling like we were leaving reality behind. After us kids almost being run over by cars just outside of our house in AAVA, my parents felt like it was a good move to go down to Santa Rosa. Fewer cars, clean air, the promise of a brand new city going about things right. No more congested roads, no oversaturation, enough green around all the buildings.

Over the years, we were able to see things slowly being built, and it was really nice. Things we used to need to go to Alabang for, we can now get here. But something went wrong along the way after 20 years, and now, every Christmas season, our main arteries, the main roads of access to our homes, become as clogged as the arteries of many people during this festive time of the year.

I'm sure there's something to be said here about excess, and our weakness when it comes to fads, even when they're not really special, or even downright inconvenient. There is nothing down here in Santa Rosa that the swarming crowds can't find in their respective hometowns, but the idea that it's greener here, and that it's a hidden secret, or that there are fewer people: paradoxically, everything that their coming here in droves cancels out.

But that's not what I'm here to write about.

Every time I've gone out recently, I've come across behaviour that I'm not used to seeing here back home. Behaviour that's expected whenever I'm out in Manila: Reckless driving, people getting into your personal space, not flushing in public toilets, littering, etc. 

And I get it: it's easy to blame things on tourists. I have to admit I always assume that those people aren't locals. It's hard to believe that locals would treat their own home like a dump. But I also feel like that's a dangerous attitude to have.

Anywhere you go, the more people there are, the less mindful they are of their surroundings.

The first paper cup on the ground triggers ten more. It's just easier to do the lazy thing when it's been done before, and there are more chances of people doing the first shitty thing, the more people there are.

What I'm saying is, maybe let's just all take responsibility. Thinking that we're any different or better than people from other places by default make us no better than the Trumps of the world. 

I'm still pretty sure tourists are less likely to care for a place than locals, but it would be bad to blame any individual for having come from anywhere they come from. It would be best to assume that people occupying a place just act in response to what they view as the default, and the more people there are, the worse the default seems to be. Crowds are just messy, and the fewer people there are, the more pristine your surroundings look. The more likely everyone is to take care of it and keep it that way.

There is still a lot to be said about what could be changed by the developers, the government, the powers that be, because they certainly could have avoided this unnecessary influx of tourists that our city is not prepared to handle, but for us who don't have a say, we should just keep choosing to inspire good behaviour in each other by setting an example. Aim to improve apparent defaults.

Clean up after ourselves, and even for others (if we're lucky enough to find the rare trashcans) spare a little spritz from your poo-fume bottle if the toilets are a little stanky, let people through in passage ways, keep right, keep your voice down in restaurants, smile at people, say thanks, even help out a lost tourist!

I'm hopeful that things will slowly improve, but we have to work as a unit. "Tourists" will take care of our place if as locals, we suggest the good behaviour strongly enough, and make it very apparent as The Thing To Do. Hating on them does nothing. Just makes us have a false sense of entitlement. We are lucky to have found this place, and have all come from other places. Some, very recently! Let's just all be better, kinder, more proactive about our behaviour in public.

Or we can just stay home.

Avoiding Post-Shopping Guilt: Money Can't Buy Happiness... Unless...

Now that Christmas gift shopping craziness is over and we get a few sober days before the January sales, I decided to reflect a bit on the significance of shopping and spending in our lives. You know, to arm you for January!

January Sales: For people who don't mind stocking up really early for next Christmas.
Photo from Reuters

Have you played SimCity before? In that game, you create cities and assign spaces for industrial, commercial and residential buildings. And you could lose major happiness points from residents if there is an imbalance between the three. That's right, the city people become sad and might even leave if they don't have enough good places to shop. At first, I found that really weird if it's meant to be based on real life tendencies! But that's probably partly because I'm more of a DIY kind of person. I try to make things if I can, instead of buying right away. Unless it takes too much time and effort, or worse, when it's more expensive to buy the materials needed to make them than to just buy them in the store! But then I realised that those commercial spaces probably include not only places to shop for things, but maybe arcades, restaurants, spas, basically consumerist spaces where the Sims can buy not only things, but experiences, too. And science supports the idea that for most people, spending on experiences is the way to get the most happiness from your money.

That being said, I genuinely do enjoy spending money on things. But only if they meet a certain number of requirements that ensure that the act of buying them wouldn't infringe on things I find are more important to me, personally. I find that we are happier when our actions successfully represent our personal ideals, and that encompasses our shopping habits too, as trivial as it may seem!

One of my favorite authors, Gretchen Rubin, wrote in her book The Happiness Project that money can't buy happiness, but it sure influences it a lot. When we are able to put our money where our real interests are, or where we truly believe it is needed, or into things that make us grow as people, or even simply towards things we truly enjoy and use, then money can really help make us happier people.

All that being said, here is the mental list of requirements I usually find myself weighing in my brain whenever I am faced with the option to buy something:

1. Is the value it will add in my life proportional to its price, relative to the current amount of money in my possession?

There are three things there that need consideration there, and in equal amounts.

It's not as simple as just asking myself "is it worth the price?". I need to make sure I'm getting something I want, and to look at how much money I have at my disposal, and not get swayed just because something is cheaper than it usually is! For example, look at this large collection of stylish footwear for women at ZALORA. There is a very thoughtful option at the top to browse discounted items, or to arrange them by price. Use things like that to your advantage by using it to filter things that are outside of your current budget, rather than aimlessly browsing anything that's cheap! The value it adds to your life is as important as how much money you're saving by getting something at a lower price point. Remember that the things we buy stay with us for a long time, and so we need to keep this in mind when we get something on sale. A slightly more expensive shoe that gets a lot of usage and love in its life is a far better buy than a cheap one that doesn't suit any of your clothes or is uncomfortable. Just make sure you won't go broke buying it.

2. Am I going to use it enough to justify the space/effort/maintenance it may require?

There are things that seem like a good idea, until you have to build a shed in your garden to store them. Or until you realise how easily it can be damaged by humidity if you don't keep cleaning twice every other full moon under midnight dew. As much as our consumerist ways as a species makes us believe that we need a separate peeler for a specific vegetable, or five different black dresses for different types of parties, there are very few things we actually need in life, and the rest are mere wants in varying degrees. These degrees vary from person to person, and it's important to know yourself well enough to know when you actually want something enough that you wouldn't randomly stumble upon it a year from now wondering why you forgot about it and which lucky person in your life you could hand it down to. So that they can be the ones abandoning it in a shelf somewhere.

"Now where the hell is that yellow cherry tomato bisector"

3. Do I need to buy it now?

There are things we will eventually need to buy, but not right now. We will run out of toilet paper one day, but we don't need to keep 30 packs of nine at all times. Or, we will need to get a nice dress for our cousin's wedding, but maybe not while he is still 13 years old. There is probably going to be another nice dress to find down the 15-odd year long road. These are severe examples, but just remember to consider timing whenever you feel like splurging on a deal that feels like it's once-in-a-lifetime. There is only so much space in our houses, and when they get cramped, our brains get cramped too. Also, the excitement of acquiring things tend to wear down with time. Best to be able to use things we buy right when we still feel great and excited about them!

And if the answer happens to be yes, then of course, JUST!!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is Shia LaBeouf and he approves of you buying the thing.

This is my personal list, based on my own priorities. Feel free to make your own! Just make sure that you make your money work for you, and not the other way around.

The Inner Lives of Strangers

A picture I took out my window yesterday while the rain was pouring. I snapped it just as this person was walking by and thought it looked a bit like something off of a Ghibli film.

I enjoy people-watching. And I know many other people who enjoy it too. I think it's natural for people to come into a somewhat voyeuristic trance when doing this, and sort of feel detached from their surroundings, as if they are looking into a glass window. It can be fun to be curious, to wonder about where everyone comes from, how they find the weather, who they love, and if they are happy.

But every so often, there is a risk of this detachment turning into something a bit more cynical, and it's as if we are looking into a glass bowl instead, with puny mindless fish inside. We are tempted to fancy our lives and minds more complex and colorful than theirs, simply because of the context we see them in. I come across posts online that on the surface seem to be helpful and insightful, asking for the reader to keep their eyes off their phones, to rush less and enjoy their surroundings, unlike the zombies in the picture with their eyes glued to their phones (non-verbatim of course). Just because everyone around you is rushing around, or doing common things, doesn't mean you are alone among mindless creatures of passive, mundane existence.

I believe there is a danger to painting with very broad brushes when we look at others in their unguarded moments. Any bitter sentiment stemming from feeling like everybody is dull more likely stems from an issue we have to deal with in ourselves, rather than the actual people around us that trigger these feelings. It reflects our own limited perspective, or perhaps imagination, when it comes to the complexity of life outside of our own immediate awareness.

It can be very helpful to approach thinking about the inner lives of strangers with suspended judgement, and more curiosity instead. Helpful not only for the people in question so that we may be kinder to them, but also, and this is true even if we never even interact with them; to our own peace of mind. Because we then feel less loneliness in being our complicated selves, when we realize that there are so many various interesting lives that we are not living, and we can only witness through being open to others when we interact with them. 

3 Simple Ways in Which We: Can Be Kinder To One Another

art: charlavail

Correct People Without Shaming Them - Because we all start ignorant at some point about the things we know today. As much as many things may feel like "common sense", much of these things are common sense through the information spreading and raising awareness, and not because we were born with it from the start. The next time someone says something ignorant, attempt to correct behaviour without shaming them, because antagonistic information is often ignored. It is easier to swallow truth when it feels like it comes from your side, and not a way to attack your personhood. As much as it may be tempting to act high and mighty, we must put ourselves in the other person's shoes, for someday we might come across something we are ignorant about and wish people could be more understanding of us. 

One can see clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.

Cut People Some Slack About How They Look - A lot of meanness can stem from people being too preoccupied about people's appearances. As much as we seem to be hardwired as a species to let appearances influence the way we treat others, human agency obliges us to act above our instincts and to try and be open to seeing the beauty in others beyond what our eyes can see. Some put too much correlation between a person's care in their appearance and their care in the people around them, or even their job. So they might see an unkempt person as apathetic or lazy, and inversely, they might think that people who are well-dressed and well-kept are superficial. The problem does not lie in what society prefers between the two, but rather in its tendency to make appearances be evidence of what a person is like, when the only thing that sets well-dressed people apart from other people is their active interest in dressing well. This also applies to elements in our appearance that are out of our control - our weight, our complexion, our height, our disposition and natural inclination to smile or frown, and whatever else. We must try and see beyond what our eyes can see and therefore give ourselves a chance to interact with others deeply.

Refrain from being mean to people based on what little you know about them; even (or especially) people you think you know well. - All of us have inner struggles we wish other people would take into account when interacting with us in a way we are uncomfortable with. The world would be better off if we all tried to remember that when we deal with others. Sometimes the harsh criticism we throw at people's faces because we think they deserve it could just be the last straw that makes them break down, because they have been dealing with something we knew nothing about.

It's easy to apply this to interactions with people we barely know, because there is less incentive for us to devote so much energy in pulling them apart. In our close relationships however, we assume we know a lot about our loved ones, so we might feel like we are in a good position to be a judge. But this is where a lot is at stake. We can deeply wound people we are close to, and like it or not, there are still some things that we will not know about them simply because we are not them. In fact, they might already be self aware and trying to be better, in which case, the best thing we can offer is emotional support. So it is safe to assume that we need to be kind, even when we criticise for what we feel is a good reason. Throw unnecessary meanness out the window, because when we are able to guide people towards what's best for them without breaking their spirit, then we build trust, instead of a wall of defensiveness.

There will be times where we will have to criticise and fight in order to stand up for a common good-for bigger things, for our countries, the world, the galaxy, THE UNIVERSE?!?!?!!?!
...But in dealing with the people we have in our lives, we can really use trying to be more caring and foster a cooperative, nurturing environment so that when that time comes, we can come together easier. When we are kind, it becomes easier to educate each other, inform each other, care for one another, and come together for common goals that benefit everyone. This is really the simplest, easiest golden rule to live by. It's so simple that it sounds silly, but I think that's part of the point:

A Spoiler-free Review of Netflix's Jessica Jones

Beardy and I had recently watched the first season of Jessica Jones. Now, I'm not a big Marvel fan, but I have to admit that I fell in love with the show pretty quickly. Let me state, without spoiling anything (I really want everyone to see it!), the reasons why.

1. Okay, obvious selling point first. Jessica is played by Krysten Ritter, who has been a huge girl crush of mine since the first time I saw her in a film. To be honest though, I hadn't even heard of the show before Beardy started watching the first episode, but once I realised it was her, you bet your butt I sat down and watched the damn show. And even with how much I already like Ritter, I was genuinely impressed by her performance in this role. So different from all of her other sassy sarcastic perky roles. Okay, it's actually still sassy and sarcastic, just not perky. But far from simply taking the perkiness away, it is replaced by a very palpable, believable darkness that makes you really hurt for Jessie, and so you root for her intensely as well.

2. It is so inclusive to LGBT and POC, but without being so heavy-handed that it undermines its own effort. This show is inclusive to non-straight relationships and people of color without wagging it around your face. It just does it, and does it well. It does it believably, respectfully, and so matter-of-factly that I actually didn't notice until I thought about evaluating it.

3. Talking about "Because it's 2015", it's quite gender-equal, especially for a Superhero-themed show. Maybe we can expect it from the showrunner herself being female, but it totally manages to avoid being a sausage party without losing the awesome action and gore elements that are cruicial to the story. Many of the main characters are women who hold their own, and men aren't reduced to two-dimensional characters either. The baddies are called out for inexcusable behaviour instead of insultingly implying that it's natural for men to act like pigs.

4. Kilgrave (Killgrave) is a terrifyingly good villain. Among my own reasons, very few aren't mentioned in this link (beware of spoilers though!). For people who don't want to be spoiled, I'll say this: Kilgrave is so complex, so mysterious, so unexpected, and the way he is revealed little by little in the show gives a sense of horror much akin to Lovecraft's style of omitting detail to terrify. And when everything comes into plain view, it makes an excellent social commentary about control, morals, and perspective. Among many other things.

5. Emotionally riveting character relationships, and character development. The dynamic between the characters are so engaging, and relatable at times. You will not be able to help sympathising with everyone, even with the reaaaaaaaaaaaaally annoying upstairs neighbor. They're not lazy with humanising the characters. They have inner struggles that show up every now and then and make them vulnerable in different ways. The show does not try to blind you with BOOM BOOM POW Michael Bay-levels of conflict and special effects. You feel the wounds, physical and emotional. You feel the characters feel for each other, you feel them hate each other. You feel the fear and discomfort that the abusive relationships stir up in their throats. And when two lonely characters get a moment of mutual understanding, you can't help but feel the love, and what it means to them.

Overall, I really cannot recommend this show enough. I only hope the next season is as amazing as the first, and that this show goes on for many many good seasons.

What Love Could Feel Like

Guess what! Beardy and I are celebrating our Fifth Year Anniversary today!!! Yes, five whole years of being in each other's lives. It's a little crazy to think about! To celebrate, we filmed a vlog together doing The Boyfriend/Relationship Tag:

And on my own, I want to share some insights that I've gathered and observed to be things that need the most sharing from people who have experienced a nurturing, stable kind of love to people who are looking, or have been perhaps going after the kind of love that isn't really what they want in the end. In things that are common among us humans, we need to have a better line of communication in order to guide each other. That's what I think.

And love is a pretty common goal in people's lives. Humans are vastly preoccupied with romantic love. Not everyone, of course - but a lot of us are. We can philosophize about why this is so, but for most of us it's a very real, very deep-seated need, and done the right way, it can do a lot of good to a person. But it's as if we are used to being preoccupied with only the stage where it is sought, and when we have it, we are preoccupied with fixing it because a lot of the love we find is broken. I observe this a lot in the way that we often speak about love. How it feels. How it hurts. It's lead me to think that maybe we are made to have the wrong expectations about what it is, what it should be. I feel like maybe in a large extent, we are being made to look for the wrong kind of feeling in our search for love. I sure had the wrong expectations before befriending Beardy. I was looking for, and kept crashing head-on towards an idea of it that was simply unsustainable. Luckily, even without realising it at the time, starting a friendship with Beardy five years ago today eventually led me away from a long, painful path towards a really nice easy-going one so that I could, you know... Start worrying about other things. Life is about so much more than finding a partner after all.

Like being able to act like dumdums together once you've found each other.

Love shouldn't feel like competing to be the best one around in order to deserve being loved. It should feel secure, like the decision has been done. You should treat each other in a way that makes you feel confident and secure in your relationship. It shouldn't feel like a constant competition, like you always have something to prove. You should be able to show your whole self, not just the best parts. To be accepted for the good and bad, and to accept your partner wholly as well.

Love shouldn't be something we brace ourselves for, and reserve our strength for, but rather, something that gives us strength, and is a safe place to rest in in times where we are weak. Love should give us strength, not take it away from us. Yes, sometimes challenges may come that will need us to be strong, but it shouldn't come from the way we treat each other. I've observed that some people in relationships tend to fight and bicker a lot - about things big or small, and I think this causes a lot of lovers to have their guards up when they are around each other. I think it should feel like you are coming from the same place from every time you wind down, and face the same direction out to the world, together. The space you create should feel safe and nurturing, not like a battlefield.

Love shouldn't feel like the goal, the happy ending. It should feel like a beginning. It should improve your life in many ways, and not be the end goal. It should be a source of your energy, and the light to your way for the rest of your life.

Why "doing what you love" isn't just self-indulgence

There recently had been backlash towards the "Do What You Love" philosophy, the way of thinking that promotes pursuing your passion instead of financial pursuits or prestige. This way of thinking had been deemed classist and inconsiderate of people who simply cannot live day to day without juggling three jobs to make ends meet, or people who are locked down in their jobs because of loan debt or other crises, among others.

For the most part, I agree. The backlash, as I understand it, targets people who offhandedly attempt to suggest that doing what you love is possible for anyone, and people who don't do what they love are somehow wrong or at fault for having the lives that they do. This is not true at all - it is short-sighted and simply obnoxious to try and prescribe this to everyone and anyone who is unhappy without looking at their particular situation. 

However, for people who do have the ability to choose, I do think that there are colossal merits to trying to pursue this ideal. I feel that too many people feel as if pursuing their passions is somehow self-indulgent, just because not everyone else is given the same opportunity as they are.

I think this way of thinking helps those people just as much as eating all of the food on your plate when you were a child helps all the starving children in the world...

Hint: it does not...

It just makes you guilty, and possibly nauseous.

“I really believe that the world needs more people working on things they love.” 

-Arriane Serafico

When we do something that we love, we simply have more spirit fuel to try and do this thing in the best way we can, and for longer. And we are more likely to be spiritually awake when we do things we love rather than when we do things we feel obliged to do that we dislike. When I say spiritually awake, I mean that state of genuine engagement with your work where you are more likely to think creatively, to think of the moral implications of the work you put out, to feel involved in this work, and to feel like it is something you will be proud of putting forth into the world, when you're at the end of your life. Instead of feeling like a passive cog or gear in a machine that you have no real control over.

Disclaimer: When I say love, I don't mean simple enjoyment, which can fade after your calling becomes your job or when the going gets tough. I mean love as in fierce love - when you believe in your heart of hearts in the value of something, and you treasure it no matter what; much like the love we have for people in our lives.

Of course, it is possible as the intelligent and dynamic beings that we are, to simply choose to have this mindset, to be spiritually awake, in whatever it is that we are already doing. So if you're in a particular occupation or field right now that you don't really particularly despise, but you wouldn't say that it has really been "what you always wanted to do" either, if you're somewhere in between, then give passion a real shot in whatever it is! Get obsessed with it. Learn more about it. Try to see if you can be more passionate in whatever it is that you do everyday, and heighten the experience! And if you are already in there but have lost your passion, try to get it back. Remember, it goes both ways: Do what you love, love what you do.

But if you are, like me, at a place in your life where you're just about to choose what it is that you'll be doing, give yourself a favor and truly consider work that will make this passion occur spontaneously. Skip a step. Get to that place where you can be passionate and therefore make better work that much quicker. It will not only be a favor to you in this way, but clearly, through playing to your passions, (which would then through sheer force of love and will, be your strengths) a favor to whoever it is you would be serving through your work. 

Here is a video from The School of Life (a recent gem I discovered!) that attempts to guide one in one's pursuit of finding fulfilling work. I'm in the process of applying this advice myself, and found it very refreshing and comforting, so I want to share it with you, because I'm grateful that you're here reading my blog, which is currently where my passion is. Haha!

Hope to see you again here soon.

in the flowery flux

our lives are in a constant state of comings and goings. potential transformations start as a single pioneering bud in the landscapes of our being; some die out but some just spread like wildfire, forever changing the landscape with the bright colors of their opening buds: changing who we are, or how we see everything, or both. but even these things are subject to change. 


Yesterday i had the privilege of bonding with Carmen. We talked about general life stuff over homemade pudding milk iced tea. We even got to use the tarot cards and they were entertaining as usual.

We almost did our default activity of watching something on the laptop, but instead we just sat there, talking, and we were glad we did. We talked about how different we were, and how different our conversations sounded, the way we handled things and our emotions was different, apart from the unavoidable change in the content of our conversations, as we're graduates now, trying to establish what we'll do in our lives, instead of hormonal teenagers.

just leavin this here as a reminder of the nice cool bedweather the day we hung out and also because flower sheets are pretty (.. and goes with the theme haha)

There were a couple of moments while I was making the tea where Carmen said she was mesmerised by watching, and it brought my attention to how peaceful life is lately. Maybe it's our efforts at living in the present more, or the fact that we're in steady places in our lives, or a combination of both. But it was nice to be around someone who wants the same things and desires to interact with the world the same way as I do. I'm very thankful to have managed to keep a nice handful of friends with me from childhood. Those who I've managed to link arms with admist the waves of change. If there's one thing I would have wanted my younger self to know when I was in my troubled years, it's that I don't need much to be happy. I don't need dozens of friends, just a few that are honest, kind, loving and open to knowledge. I don't need to be perfect, I just have to be doing things I love regularly, and get better at them as a result. I don't need to the best at anything, I just need to keep trying. And all I need to have a good time is good company.

carmen left her hairtie so i let miaumiau hold it. carmen gave her to be as a xmas gift ^^

our lives are in a constant state of comings and goings. pieces of us will thrive and pieces of us will die. it's all about favoring the pieces we prefer through establishing the idyllic environment that will enable these pieces to thrive.

How We Do (best friend edition)

My friends just went home, man was that evening awesome or what.

This was the documentary we ended up watching out of a list I looked at online. Carmen asked if I had any documentaries on architecture history, and I didn't but I said I'd look for one and I made her check out the list I found, she picked four, and this was the one I was able to download. It was super inspiring and engaging. Kinda cool that they end up delving into film: Carmen and Aizel are from Interior Design and Architecture, while Pia and I are from Media Studies and Film. Woah.

I made popcorn before it ended and we watched the first episode of Broad City afterwards. The popcorn didn't last very long though. Maybe like three minutes. Haha.

It's a nice show, I think I'll keep watching it. I just decided to try it out yesterday and started downloading last night, it's pretty cool that I got to see it first with my friends. It's like, about girls who are not cookie-cutter in their girl-ness, much like all four of us. So yeah that was cool.

Afterwards, We had a photoshoot. We talked about the need for new pictures together, especially for our private FB group's page cover, and tonight was the perfect chance for it, even though the weather is melting our faces off and the fact that we can't stop laughing at everything is not helping at all.

Carmen internalizing for the shoot. "Uma-aura" as these other two described it

TEST SHOT!

Numerous failed shots followed..

We just SOMEHOW can't stop laughing..

Carmen is holding it together so much better than all of us..

Not always though

We ended up going for this one. I'll probably make an edited version but man it's late, these'll do for now.

We had some iced tea spiked with this weird alcohol thing I got from a wedding; none of us know what it is..

After burning more calories by laughing, I made them watch My Mad Fat Diary!!! And they LOOVED it!!!

More than I thought they would :3 So happeh.

So yeah that was a great night. I can't bring myself to sleep!

Last workday of the week Bea, Go go go! To bed.

One Year For Each Hour in a Day

Still talking about my birthday here (haha) this time I want to share the lovely night I had with three of my closest bestest buddies. My family didn't end up coming to movie night but it went really well regardless.

Actually I think it would have been too warm and hectic in the house if they actually came! Only having four people over apart from my family gave me the chance to give them my full attention. It was lovely preparing food I love, showing fantastic animated films on a huge screen, popcorn all to ourselves, ah it was nice. I want more nights like this.

My two best bros arrived first. I popped some corn and Sansa, Aizel, Carmen and I sat and watched Epic. I was a bit distracted for a lot of the film eating and preparing plates and stuff but it was a great movie! Touching, cute, funny.

This was the AV setup: just a projector from my mom's office (thank you!) hooked to the laptop, and some really loud speakers hooked to the laptop and propped up on a couch or on the floor...

And an electric fan that had the sole purpose of keeping the projector cool the whole time :p

I was super excited about this setup and it was a great success, the video quality was great and the audio was great... The living room was a perfectly cozy setting (even though it was a little warm because it's at the height of summer) and I think that white screen looks really pretty on the curtain rod... 

Jeren and Mio came soon after.. It was hard to take a picture of these two! It was dark in the living room of course, and Mio was really the life of the party running around and just enjoying himself, so pictures were often blurry! I was super glad to have these two around. They are just an adorable mom-and-babyboy duo.

By the time we were watching Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, I was already settled enough to really enjoy it. I kinda think I should have switched the order around because I'd already seen this before ^^ Maybe I should have played this while I was scurrying around and played Epic when I already could sit down to fully enjoy it haha.

Mio is so hilarious. These pictures are super cute. What an adorable curious little puffin.

I was super proud of the foodstuff, even the plates! These are picnic plates we have just hanging out back, and the forks are an accidental match. I just asked if we had plastic forks and yes we did and they matched perfectly. The white penne dish is a recipe of my own (tuna, mushroom, bell pepper! super good.) and the simple spaghetti is a readymade sauce I love (no shame) and then patties. AND SUCH AWESOME GARLIC BREAD. I'm so happy about 39-peso buy1 take1 baguettes from Shop Wise!!! I just finely crushed some garlic, mixed them in a tub of spreadable butter, cut up the baguette and slathered a thin spread in all the slits. it was heavenly.

Mio's favorite was definitely the popcorn, though. I wish I had a picture of him with the bucket on his lap XD

I decided to make this semi-good gif out of bad photos so you can get the general idea of what it was like... Super accurate too, what with Mio and Jeren being blurry because of Mio being supercharged! Hehe. I love these peeples.

Told you Mio is blurry in pictures XD Camera can't handle such speed!

Mio loooved Sansa! I'm very pleased about how Sansa acted around my guests. Very polite and sweet. Although a bit overwhelmed by Mio's supercharged energy! Not something she's used to, this one:

PANDABUTT :3

Here are Aizel and Carmen being entertained by Mio. Jeren is a supermom now :) I seriously admire her, she can totally keep up with Mio! When Mio bumped his head, we were all like *GASP* but Jeren just very calmly opened the freezer, took out a cold compress and pressed it against his head. Woahhhh~ She explained that she doesn't react when he hurts himself so he won't be embarrassed, and true enough, Mio just got up and played again like nothing happened. Super cool.

Here are the cuuute gifts I received on my birthday! The warmest, cutest, me-est hand drawn card, a pink lipstick (I have been looking for one!), and The Te of Piglet. Aizel was suuper sweet; we saw this book in a bargain section and I really really wanted it, but I didn't buy it because of limited funds.. But she apparently went back there and DUG THROUGH ALL THE BOOKS TO FIND IT AGAIN so she can give it to me :')

Isn't it cute how everything is blue and white in this picture? :3 (with a little pink..)

This year I am happy about a lot of things. I feel the me-est that I've ever felt, I feel like a solid me. That might sound like a bunch of jibberish, but I truly feel thankful for it. I've shed so much pain, so much anxiety, so much insecurity that I've carried during the past years. It's a constant climb, but at this stage, I feel like my state of mind is cooperating with me just a little bit more.

I celebrated small, but it was very meaningful and true. I watched things I genuinely like, ate food I genuinely love, with people (and a dog) I genuinely wanted to be around me.

If this is a taste of what the rest of my year will be like, then bring it on, 24! <3

How We Do

More on My Weird Family from last night!

Last night we celebrated my aunt's "17th anniversary of (her) 40th birthday" as we call it, and it was so much fun! There was a videoke set-up at the front of the house, which proved to be a somewhat bad idea because we had a little bit too much fun with it :p (Good thing nobody called the cops on us)

cuteness tootness

It all started really tame. There were tables set up all pretty, some pretty food, and more importantly, we were all sober.

magically, all of the celebrant's siblings came in red! UNPLANNED!

mom leading the prayers as per yoush

my uncle is even reiki-ing the food with magic prayer hands. the works

minicupcakes and yema~

my lovely nieces and trish showing her cute lego creation

I only remember my cousin Biboy taking out the alcohol, then my brother letting me try the scotch, then I made myself a Jack&Coke, then I decided to wind down with some cake and peach tea.. Then somehow I guess the Jack started to kick in as I stared at my third saucer of cake

"Pink... tea.. so.. pretty.."

Then boom. Our collective minds just imploded.

...I don't even remember what they were singing here. But I took videos of my family going wild during Bohemian Rhapsody and Bagsakan.

...Speaking of "bagsakan",

Even when I was tipsy this confused me!

Anyway, I kept thinking about how Beardy would react if he witnessed all of the crazy stuff going down. He'd probably be overwhelmed. It's thinking about stuff like that that makes me realise how strange my family must seem to outsiders XD Beardy said the idea of drinking with your parents in parties is very peculiar to him, and somehow even if I could make that observation myself, I didn't really see it that way before he told me! My family is kinda weird! But that's how we do :)