Goals (When You're Exceptionally Bad at Keeping Them)

You know what, I try to be a very decent human being. I try to be nice, kind, helpful. But when it comes to following through with my own plans, I'm completely the most terrible person in the world. If there ever was a Bad Place like in the TV show The Good Place, that's what I'd go to the Bad Place for. Disobeying myself, when I only had my best interest in mind. (Mama, if you're reading this, don't feel too bad. It wasn't just you when I was growing up. I never listen to myself either.)

I'm a huge fan of planners, planning systems, goal setting strategies, spreadsheets, totally interested in setting goals. Yes. A hobby I've loved since 2007 when I went to college and used my very first planner. Setting goals? Sign me right up and I'll even sticker-bomb the borders. But actually doing what's on the list? Bye.

This JanJan Comics character is me, 100%:

"I've listed all the things that need to be done."
"I don't want to do them anymore."
Facebook: JanJan Comics

I've tried different ways to keep myself motivated. I've tried setting Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic/Relevant, Time-Bound Goals. Tried. Now that I'm older and wiser *cough*, I realise that I was built to be kind of very incompatible with this model, personality-wise. The way I think is not solid at all, it's more like water. It molds itself to whatever the vessel is, and with no vessel, it seeps through cracks, and spreads everywhere, getting everything wet, until my goal metastasizes into a bunch of things that are all it, but not really it at all. So Specific and Measurable is out of the question. Attainable and Realistic/Relevant? I question myself far too much to trust my justifications about anything when I write the goals, and always end up challenging my past self. Reality kind of keeps changing depending on my mood, and Time-Bound.... Well. I've spent the last 15 years of my life pushing deadlines and I've become too desentisized. My feeling of time is so warped and needs a lot of help, even now.

So like any self-respecting, aging maturing human would do, I stopped trying to act like my personality is super fluid and flexible funky fresh, and accepted that, partly, the fluidity of my personality itself is the fixed part of my personality that is too set in stone, that I need to revise. What a paradox.

I started accepting that things need to be simpler, much much simpler, for me to even remember them. So I changed my style completely and brought things down to just the essentials. Instead of a long list of specific goals every year that I always end up looking at and feeling badly about, I write attitudes that need to be changed in me (those were always easier for me to do weirdly enough), usually healthier ways to relate to stress. Hehe. As an anxious person, this has helped me a lot.

Then I just started using my planner to remind myself of things that absolutely need to be done, instead of peppering it with a bunch of aspirational stuff like "write a... song..?"... It helps a lot that I have a day job and really have things to put into my calendar. It helps a lot to just simply be able to tick boxes.

I've also known for a while that when motivation does fly by for whatever reason, you need to hop right on that elusive beast and hold on for dear life. So I've always been waiting...

Though sometimes, inspiration or motivation is so distracting and possessing that it's hard to stay accountable with any written goal

Sometimes, it's a near-death experience, sometimes, even scraping your knee (happened to me one time. I was SO motivated for the next few months), and sometimes it's just a new year coming by.

This year end is particularly significant to me. We are having our wedding on the first day of the year, (more on that in a separate post, maybe) and it's the beginning of a new decade. Objectively, that doesn't mean anything, but there are just things like that that I choose to ascribe meaning to, for the sake of fun and a semblance of "meaningfulness" in life.

While getting ready one day, I came across this video from Lavendaire, and a certain magical set of different conditions (the fact that I had just had coffee and L-theanine, it was the end of the month and it was time to start December on my planner, etc etc etc) just did the thing  for me, and I felt the dragon coming towards my way. So I HOPPED ON OBVIOUSLY

Again, it took a very particular set of conditions, and it was really mostly luck. But I was inspired enough to make brand-new-spanking goals, and for the FIRST TIME in a LONG TIME, they actually feel tailored to me. They are "S-M-A-R-T" yet fit my personality.

If you're as bad at accomplishing goals as I am, Lavendaire has a bunch of very helpful tips in the video I linked. But basically, here are the ones that helped me the most, or at least my interpretation of them:

1. Start Small: Attainable and Realistic shouldn't mean "technically possible" to you, if you're like me at all. it should mean "I'm likely going to be able to push myself to do that, the way I am now, even under bad conditions"... Therefore, instead of saying "I'll do 10 pushups every morning" I'm starting with "I'm going to move every morning, even if it's just stretching. I'll do what feels good." That may seem too small, but it's still an improvement from what I normally do. Build a ladder. Don't attempt to do parkour if you're not the type.

2. Build Momentum: The small mini-goals shouldn't be random. R means Relevant or Realistic, not Random. Even though they're small, they should be the mini-version of what you eventually want to do. In my case, my big goal is "to have discipline, consistency, and accountability" because all the things I've been trying to chase and failing to all this time, namely mental and physical health, a calmer disposition, being able to start and finish passion projects, all hinge on the premise that I would be able to keep doing things I set out to do, and build habits that I am able to sustain often, if not daily.

3. Chunk Actions Together: Chunking is a memory technique where you put stuff together with a thing you know you'll remember or something you'll do anyway. Like putting your inhaler next to your car keys because you know you can't leave without your keys.

Planning the actions to meet my goals has always been my biggest goal-setting roadblock. I'm too impulsive and my days are too unstructured, even with a job, that I find it hard to put action items within the day and follow them. This time around, the idea of a "Morning Routine" had been on the front of my mind because it's so trendy in the self-improvement world, and I thought, what better way to chunk things together than to put all my small goals together in the morning? I've been needing motivation to get off the bed when I wake up anyway. So this makes it Attainable and Realistic to me. And if I get a task done at the start of the day, I start off every day feeling accomplished. This also gives it a Time-Bound element.

4. Tracking: I've NEVER.. And I repeat,  N E V E R been able to track anything successfully in my life. Not once have I ever filled out a monthly tracker in my Bullet Journal, and I know I'll probably miss some days on the current one I started. But to me, tracking doesn't have to be a physical, complete record of my actions (especially because that's going too far into the edge of my Attainable zone). Tracking to me is just a way to keep myself accountable, and to me, a visual prompt, as long as I can easily see it when I need to, can do it.

So out of cardboard, I created a list of my simple Morning Routine that I made that ticks all the small habits that I want to build up on. Every morning, I can look at this to track if I'm done for the morning, before heading out.

I might write about this on a separate post, too. Again, Maaaybee

Now I've been somewhat successful so far .but I have yet to see what happens once I come back to regular work days. My goals are very small, yes. It may look like I'm going too easy on myself, but really. I've been at the other end of it when I let momentary ambitiousness or impatience of past-me's set booby traps for lazy present-me to fall into.

What's important to me is that the changes last. Because I've made it clear to myself that my goal is to build habits, and an attitude that is more consistent and accountable with things. The intensity of the habits are not what's important for now. It's building the muscles that I'll need to eventually accomplish my goals. That's the plan, anyway.

I'm hoping to remember to update this space after a couple of weeks to see if I get to keep at this, or if I revise anything. Right now I feel like coming back here to write about these changes I'm trying out. But I'm trying to go easy on adding more goals to fail at. So I won't add this to my list, and just hope I remember anyway, and find time to write. That way, it's like a bonus. Hehe. (I could also chunk it with my journalling habit, who knowss)

See you again soon, Maybe!

Starting Where You Are

There are many ways to do the right things. Many means to go about accomplishing a certain end. When we seek for help in accomplishing our goals, or in creating a more favorable situation for ourselves, we are faced with a million choices when it comes to  H O W  T O  G E T  T H E R E.

"There" usually being:

• better health
• better living situation
• a more fulfilling career path

Et cetera. There could be a thousand versions of even this list if we're being honest, but here let's just call them General Things to be Better at. That doesn't really work. How about Betterment Goals. I don't like how that sounds either. But this illustrates my point. Words can fail. 

The main focus of whatever journey you take on in getting yourself somewhere better in life, in whatever form "Being Better" would manifest in your imagination, should be 

W H E R E V E R  Y O U  A R E.

 R I G H T  H E R E

R I G H T  N O W.

And this is why many self-betterment guides would start with you listing your own answers to their questions. And yes, I am not here to discount you searching for those guides. In fact, depending on your personality, it might be better to look for more than one "guru" or whatever you want to call it, so that you can curate whatever resonates in your life in particular from many different sources, and make the roadmap you eventually follow your very own.

We like learning from others because we like information already processed and laid out for us to take in. This is easier than having to start from scratch, scrambling to find crumbs that will lead us to the bread, trying to find all the ingredients on our own. This is why we have grocery stores. I think I need to eat soon. I'm getting a little sidetracked.

Anyway, this is not a bad thing. This really does help. What I want to emphasize though, is that we should not be so naive and think that betterment ends in that learning. We take many things in. We make it our own. We share how we made it our own. Maybe more people will find it resonate better. They will take some of it in, just like how we took from others. Then they will make it their own.

Words do not contain the entirety of meaning. Other people can not provide the secrets to your success. Something has to come from you.

And yes, a lot of it relies on luck. But your luck improves when you improve your striving in finding these answers.

So, let me ask you a bunch of questions:

1. Outlook: Do you think you have a positive one? When you think about your day upon waking up in the morning, how do you feel? What causes anxiety in you? What causes joy? Do you notice yourself feeling one more often than the other? Why do you think so? Are you okay with that? (Like I wake up meh most mornings, but I'm cool with it. I think it's just how I am and it's fine) And if you're not, is there anything within your power that you can change?
2. The Good: What's already working out? This is important. What do you like that you don't really want to change in yourself, your living situation, your habits? You don't have to change everything. Maybe you don't even have to change very much. Honestly you don't even have to change at all. Let's be real. Your life your rules.
3. The Bad: But if there are things that aren't working out, maybe take some time to look at them. There are things that don't work out that are too uncomfortable to even acknowledge so we fail to realize that there's something there that we can actually control. But then there are things that we feel we have no power over. For those things, is it possible to tell someone? "Misery loves company" and this isn't just a sadistic urge that humans have for no reason. When we find others with the same problems, we are able to pick each other's brains about possible solutions. There's another one, "Two heads are better than one". Maybe there's something you're not seeing that someone's who's gone through the same thing knows about. That was a long painful sentence to read and I apologize.
4. The Ugly: Let me just talk about that word, Ugly. It has a bad rep. But I love it. I'm part of the niche crowd that uses it with a sense of endearment. Much of my hang-ups in life, I solved by changing my relationship with Ugly. More than my sense of self-worth ceasing to depend on my outward appearance, I see ugly as a sign of progress. Ugly is something that's on its way towards becoming. It's finding one's way. It's not incomplete, it's just in the process, and that's what life is. It's only complete when it ends. And So I Therefore Conclude: Ugliness and Beauty is like Life and Death. Polar opposites that are unalienable from each other. Just like.. well, poles. 

          So. In your life, what's being completed? What's in the middle of the process; something you started but haven't finished? Something you like but isn't "quite there yet"? And maybe, how do we look at it differently? As you being a Real Live Person, in the middle of figuring things out?

So there are questions for today. Maybe we ask them every now and then. This can be a model we use everyday when we meditate in the morning, or this could be just a one time thing. It's a dish I've made from ingredients I've taken from different sources that I have now served to you. Maybe you take something out from it, or maybe you just eat and run, and burn off all of the energy. But that's your process. Make it yours. As for me, I'm done with this one, and hoping to make more in the future.

Now, lunch.

Chasing The Present

photo: mine from Christmas Day. heheh.

Why is it so hard to stay present in our own lives?

It's probably not because of a lack of being reminded of it. We get reminded of it all the time, and yet, like being told to put sunscreen on, it soon becomes like background noise. Something you expect to hear, and agree to, it's just hard to apply it to your life. But why?

I'm guessing a lot of it is because of the fact that even though there are so many ways to put it into words (eg. live in the now, YOLO, be here now, wherever you are, there you are, be present, etc), as a concept, it has an odd ability to stay just a bit out of grasp, even after you understand it one time.

Because it's a way to be and to do things, not an activity in itself.

We can never hand out how to be present in specific, all-encompassing terms. We can only talk about what it could feel like, what it could cause, things that could probably help get us there.

It's not a one-size-fits-all type of deal. Everyone will have a different level of openness to the present that could give them the most benefit, and everyone would respond very differently to different ways to achieve this mental state.

However. it's a little bit easier to notice a severe lack of it.

We lack presence when we feel time go really fast. It means we spent a lot of time in our heads and have come back to our surroundings on a much later date or hour than we expected it to be. When we are riddled with regret, we know that we were stuck back in the past for a little bit. When everything around us seems dull compared to our dreams, we know we spent too much time imagining the future instead of being here, to make the future happen.

I guess what I'm saying is... being in the present moment is a little bit like happiness - it is best to approach it calmly, with open eyes and an open mind, and allowing it to fall into your hands. When you chase it, you lose it. Because it doesn't come from anywhere else but inside yourself.

See, it's hard to not sound mystical when trying to explain it!

But as I've said, a little bit more openness is helpful. And quite worth it, once you get to a point where it comes a lot easier. But things get a bit weird when what you need to be open to is not to do something more, but to do something less. To stop trying so hard.

Here are the personal tools I use when I attempt to pull myself back into here and now. I hope you find them helpful, if you feel open enough to receive them:

• Stop trying to be present. When you are fully present and are used to the sensation, it should not feel like trying at all. If it feels like trying at first, that's okay. But don't try too hard. You'll lose the calm required, and you'll use up will power that you could use for other things that let you function in your life. It's alright, we are humans and we need thinking about the past and future to make sense of our surroundings and lives. The key is to just stay open and to not get lost in these thoughts, so we can let the present flow, and be at peace with whatever comes.
• Let go of worry. A nice albeit morbid activity that I've recently embraced is to think about the impermanence of life and our eventual death, or Memento Mori. The first time I came across the idea, though. I internally flinched, because I thought I could never really think about death without feeling haunted by it. I can't not worry about it. But that actually goes against what Memento Mori is trying to achieve. Reminders of how short life is are not there to make us worry about it, which would take us away from the present, but to make us accept what's there at the end, and so we end up valuing what's here, now, even more. "Death is there, not here. Let there take care of itself, and let me take care of here."
• Be curious. Perhaps the most natural way to be in a state of flow. Follow your curiosity, and for any other old thing that you need to deal with, be genuinely curious about that. We often take curiosity for granted, as if it's something that can only occur spontaneously, but it can be helped along by a little effort from ourselves. It can be what makes a boring, soul-sucking errand turn into an interesting, complicated and stimulating activity. This is the only thing in this list that doesn't ask you to stop doing something, and that's what makes it the most important one. Avoiding things will never be as effective as simply replacing them with something better (even with diets!). And so never forget this most important step.

Avoiding Post-Shopping Guilt: Money Can't Buy Happiness... Unless...

Now that Christmas gift shopping craziness is over and we get a few sober days before the January sales, I decided to reflect a bit on the significance of shopping and spending in our lives. You know, to arm you for January!

January Sales: For people who don't mind stocking up really early for next Christmas.
Photo from Reuters

Have you played SimCity before? In that game, you create cities and assign spaces for industrial, commercial and residential buildings. And you could lose major happiness points from residents if there is an imbalance between the three. That's right, the city people become sad and might even leave if they don't have enough good places to shop. At first, I found that really weird if it's meant to be based on real life tendencies! But that's probably partly because I'm more of a DIY kind of person. I try to make things if I can, instead of buying right away. Unless it takes too much time and effort, or worse, when it's more expensive to buy the materials needed to make them than to just buy them in the store! But then I realised that those commercial spaces probably include not only places to shop for things, but maybe arcades, restaurants, spas, basically consumerist spaces where the Sims can buy not only things, but experiences, too. And science supports the idea that for most people, spending on experiences is the way to get the most happiness from your money.

That being said, I genuinely do enjoy spending money on things. But only if they meet a certain number of requirements that ensure that the act of buying them wouldn't infringe on things I find are more important to me, personally. I find that we are happier when our actions successfully represent our personal ideals, and that encompasses our shopping habits too, as trivial as it may seem!

One of my favorite authors, Gretchen Rubin, wrote in her book The Happiness Project that money can't buy happiness, but it sure influences it a lot. When we are able to put our money where our real interests are, or where we truly believe it is needed, or into things that make us grow as people, or even simply towards things we truly enjoy and use, then money can really help make us happier people.

All that being said, here is the mental list of requirements I usually find myself weighing in my brain whenever I am faced with the option to buy something:

1. Is the value it will add in my life proportional to its price, relative to the current amount of money in my possession?

There are three things there that need consideration there, and in equal amounts.

It's not as simple as just asking myself "is it worth the price?". I need to make sure I'm getting something I want, and to look at how much money I have at my disposal, and not get swayed just because something is cheaper than it usually is! For example, look at this large collection of stylish footwear for women at ZALORA. There is a very thoughtful option at the top to browse discounted items, or to arrange them by price. Use things like that to your advantage by using it to filter things that are outside of your current budget, rather than aimlessly browsing anything that's cheap! The value it adds to your life is as important as how much money you're saving by getting something at a lower price point. Remember that the things we buy stay with us for a long time, and so we need to keep this in mind when we get something on sale. A slightly more expensive shoe that gets a lot of usage and love in its life is a far better buy than a cheap one that doesn't suit any of your clothes or is uncomfortable. Just make sure you won't go broke buying it.

2. Am I going to use it enough to justify the space/effort/maintenance it may require?

There are things that seem like a good idea, until you have to build a shed in your garden to store them. Or until you realise how easily it can be damaged by humidity if you don't keep cleaning twice every other full moon under midnight dew. As much as our consumerist ways as a species makes us believe that we need a separate peeler for a specific vegetable, or five different black dresses for different types of parties, there are very few things we actually need in life, and the rest are mere wants in varying degrees. These degrees vary from person to person, and it's important to know yourself well enough to know when you actually want something enough that you wouldn't randomly stumble upon it a year from now wondering why you forgot about it and which lucky person in your life you could hand it down to. So that they can be the ones abandoning it in a shelf somewhere.

"Now where the hell is that yellow cherry tomato bisector"

3. Do I need to buy it now?

There are things we will eventually need to buy, but not right now. We will run out of toilet paper one day, but we don't need to keep 30 packs of nine at all times. Or, we will need to get a nice dress for our cousin's wedding, but maybe not while he is still 13 years old. There is probably going to be another nice dress to find down the 15-odd year long road. These are severe examples, but just remember to consider timing whenever you feel like splurging on a deal that feels like it's once-in-a-lifetime. There is only so much space in our houses, and when they get cramped, our brains get cramped too. Also, the excitement of acquiring things tend to wear down with time. Best to be able to use things we buy right when we still feel great and excited about them!

And if the answer happens to be yes, then of course, JUST!!!!! DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is Shia LaBeouf and he approves of you buying the thing.

This is my personal list, based on my own priorities. Feel free to make your own! Just make sure that you make your money work for you, and not the other way around.

Things I Learned From Marie Kondo's Book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

I finished listening to the audio version of this book while playing Minecraft a few weeks ago, during my slump (I use this word so much in my blog that it probably belongs in the header somewhere). As lazy and messy as I naturally am, I have always been very interested and excited by the prospect of organizing things. In fact, when I'm not ailed by my seemingly chronic low energy, I do a pretty good job at fixing, tidying, and organizing things. At least I think so, and Beardy would agree! Although he might not be the best judge of that because he normally can't tell the difference unless it's drastic. :o)

One thing I've learned, though, is that you don't get from a normal cluttered hum-drum room or house to one worthy of being in a magazine just by shuttling all your belongings from here to there and chucking them into boxes and cabinets - you actually have to get rid of stuff for your space to truly feel tidy.

But these few things usually trouble me when I attempt to tidy up: 

1. I have a lot of anxiety about parting with things as I have the tendency to be very sentimental.
2. I have a lot of guilt about throwing things in the trash because I don't exactly know where everything ends up *insert picture of Smokey Mountain and audio clip of O Fortuna here*
3. As sort of an effect of #2, I always have SO MANY IDEAS about how to recycle everything!!!
4. I like displaying cute things around me and sometimes the things pile up and end up hiding less-desirable things behind/under/inside them (I LIKE DECORATIVE CANS AND BOXES :c) and so my things eat up a lot more space than they should.

But boy oh boy did this book help me deal with these feelings! What I really appreciated about this book, apart from the clever and simplified ideas, was that it not only told you what to do (which everyone has their own way of doing things in the end anyway) but how do deal with the feelings that normally come up when we part with things. In fact, the whole philosophy behind this book is centered on how you feel - specifically, about what sparks joy.

It won't ask you to tick boxes of qualifications for a thing to be deemed worthy of keeping. It simply asks you to hold each thing you have and contemplate on whether it sparks joy or not. And if it's something you truly need, but it doesn't exactly spark any joy (for example, if you're a medical student you probably have a buttload of books.. Hi Jess c;), it asks you to contemplate on the importance it has in your life and to appreciate the role it plays, so that you change your mental relationship with it into a positive one. Then it ends up sparking joy, as well.

What it comes down to, basically, is for us to Mindfully Own Things, so that we don't passively accumulate things over time and rather make it so that our belongings change with us, grow with us, and don't weigh us down. In this way, every single thing becomes useful and important, we know where everything is, and we have space to let our minds breathe in our dwellings. Also, it's much easier to re-decorate with less things in the way.

So for my four stumbling blocks, here are the lessons that the book has offered me to overcome them:

1. Anxiety about parting with things- KonMari confronts us about the real reason why we keep things, and the true purpose of things and how we can part with things once they serve their purpose. She suggests that when we hold on to these things we are weighing ourselves down by holding on to the past and instead encourages us to cherish the present, and our present relationships. An example that really struck me was about how we hold on to gifts or letters out of guilt even when they no longer suit us even though the people who have given them have probably forgotten about them, or holding on to letters from people we've fallen out with, even though they probably don't remember anything about what they wrote and probably don't feel the same way anymore.
2. Guilt about trash- Well, actually, this book's attitude towards trash probably hinges on a more effective waste disposal system in Japan because the throwing-away part in this book is as simple as just putting them in trash bags and promptly taking them outside before anyone who'd want to dig through it in your family could see. Although, the whole part about the true purpose of things has made me ready to part with much more things than I normally would be, especially when they could do better if given away, or even, yes, ending up where the trash goes - because they're valuable as picking items (This sounds really problematic because it's usually kids who do this here in the Philippines. It's a sad reality that I do not condone at all, but it's really the best option for these unusable items :c Feel free to suggest better options, if any.)
3. Recycling- The book makes a good point that basically goes: "When though? I mean really.." when it uses the example of people keeping reference materials for finished classes under the pretense that they will want to read through it again one day. The reality is that we would likely only want to read through a couple of those things or even forget we even have them, so as for me, I probably would only be able to do some of these recycling projects, and forget about the rest. So I should either get with the crafting soon, or just ditch the project.
4. My Penchant for Cute Clutter and Sneaky Storage- The book turns the old saying "A place for everything, and everything in its place" into "A purpose for everything, and everything in its place." It asks us to avoid "storage solutions" that actually just give us places to hide things we don't know what to do with. Honestly, this is the hardest part. I have numerous small containers for numerous small things. The situation is especially dire on my desk. The technique of dumping everything in a single pile and sorting every single thing makes it so that there's less chances of me keeping duplicates of things, and I will get to see all of the containers and... maybe get rid of the ones that aren't cute anymore due to rusting or wear and tear. Luckily, KonMari doesn't actually have anything against having decorations, as long as they all, individually spark joy. So that actually wouldn't be so hard.

"Do I find this knick-knack or doodad as cute as Marie Kondo?" If the answer is yes, then I can keep it.

I'm excited and to be honest quite nervous about doing it, because I still am not 100% sure about how to move the things I purge along, and I'm going to face a lot of internal struggling when it comes to things that can still be fixed!

I'm planning to buy a huge sturdy box for the stuff I'm going to donate, and plan out my purge on a free weekend. I'm going to be documenting it, of course! I wonder when though, because I kind of need a huge amount of energy to do this!

PS: Go here for an Illustrated Guide to KonMari style folding. It's really simple, but once you read/listen to the book you'll realise how important that is!

How to get over an extremely embarassing memory

Do you have one of those?

It's been years since you've, I dunno, accidentally overstayed your welcome on stage during a speech that went completely off-topic but you couldn't stop even as you were already aware it wasn't going anywhere, which makes it worse because you were completely aware of how awkward the moment is for everyone else and waiting yourself for it to stop but you keep talking and talking and *forcefully pries self away from sticky, personal memory of gradeschool election speech during campaign*...

Let's try that again.

Do you have that single memory, or maybe even a couple dozen if you're more like me, that pops up every now and then in your head while you lie awake at night, seemingly with the sole purpose of making your heart race with embarrassment, rendering you tired and yet too awake now and unable to sleep?

Now listen closely because I have a way to help you, but there is one crucial condition:

It has to be something you consider to be a secret.

Maybe you've told someone before, but it should be one of those cases where you feel that you could have but you can't actually remember it anymore, or if you do, the memory is so vague and you don't really remember much detail.

Oh wait, another thing: It has to have happened a loooong time ago. Something you're not currently suffering some consequences from. It has to be a torment that is completely psychological.

Today I told Beardy an extremely embarassing thing that happened to me in freshman year. At first, I didn't want to tell him. But after realizing that I've never it to anyone before, (I wasn't even aware I've never told anyone before today, it just always felt natural to bury it as deep as possible) I thought that it might help. We might share a couple laughs about it, he might tell me "that ain't too bad" or I could maybe free myself of some guilt I wasn't aware I had by confessing it to someone close to me and seeing them still want to be associated with me.

So after a long build-up to the main story, I had a fully-attentive Beardy on Google Hangout excitedly staring and smiling at our Facebook message window, completely unaware that that was it. That was my unclimactic story. He expected something more embarrassing, I suppose. Or at least something phrased more climatically? And I guess I did expect that reaction. Looking at the story objectively, it actually was, as some people would say, ain't no thang. But it was the feeling associated with the memory, and what it meant to me, that has allowed it to torment me for so long.

To be honest, this is not a sure-fire tried-and-tested solution. In fact, I've yet to test it. But I theorize that in memories like these, the thing that torments us is not the memory itself, but more of our associated feelings with it. We have literally practiced being really good at feeling bad about it that it doesn't need a trigger anymore. We're doing it to ourselves. Look ma, no hands!

How it works is really simple: You take the old, blurry memory which embarrasses you, and de-weaponize the only potent thing about it (yor feelons and mental associations) by replacing it with new ones. Chances are, if you create a new associated memory there by telling a loved one, the memory of you telling it to someone will re-frame the way you see the instance. Because the act of you telling it is more recent, AND has more positive emotional associations. So you will start remembering the memory the way you told it to the person! Which usually is lighter on the heart because embarrassing things tend to draw laughter when shared. Or at the very least, someone will ask "What? That was it?!" and you'll be more convinced that it wasn't really so bad at all.

How to not F*ck Relationships Up

 (not just on Valentine's, but for the whole year!)

The most festive title for the most festive of occasions!

        For two people who share a lot in common or understand each other and love and respect each other very deeply anyway, for love to work is natural. What really happens when shit hits the fan is that we get in the way. We weatherproof, we get greedy, we get needy, we worry, we blame, we overthink... We create all of the batshit craziness that ends up spoiling all the fun.

        These are things I've learned and am still learning about relationship maintenance. A lot of this was inspired by an article I found in Reader's Digest back when I was single, awkward and forever alone (I was around 15) Being the big emosh-fixer that I am, I somehow felt the need to remember the information even though it didn't apply to me yet. I read the article over and over, flipping back and forth, absorbing all I can, and I even took notes in my cellphone. I felt like it was my duty to keep this treasure that I found (seriously, it felt really precious and revolutionary to me) and if I die single and never get to use it for my own life, I could always comfort my friends with it when they are in the middle of hard times. Little did I know that very shortly I would have found the magic of internet archives and it would be available online anyway.

       

          Anyway, time has fermented the teachings in me, and through osmosis they have been reduced to simpler, easier to remember nuggets of wisdom that have either become natural to me, or more accessible to remember. I'm now going to simplify the best things that I learned and lived, and share them:

1) Blame is Lame

Optimism: Because anything can go wrong if you set your mind to it.

       Intimate relationships. They are sensitive. When we become so attached to a particular person, we start to become dependent on them. They are suddenly responsible for our whole emotional well-being. We identify to them, and when they fail to give us something we think we need from them, we freak out. Calmeth thine teats. Take a step back brosef, and understand that sometimes we need to ASK for things. Not in a "WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE THIS" kind of way, but in a "You know what? I would like it if you..." Because let's face it. Most of the population is not psychic. Instead of freaking out and blaming your partner for their shortcomings (or whatever else goes wrong in your life, like your toilet not flushing) give them a gentle poke towards the right direction (okay, not necessarily the "right" direction especially if you're kind of a psycho, but towards whatever you feel you might need.).. This way, with some hope, and time, and some laws of nature, your partner will get to know you better and better and feel encouraged to do it whenever s/he does something right. I don't want to sound like I'm comparing people to dogs but, positive reinforcement, man. (great. now I sound like a speciesist. Whatever.)

If you try to change each other by scolding and complaining, you will already feel like you failed at something. It just sucks the fun out of everything. We start feeling insecure now, and stupid, and in some cases, we start looking for other people who will give that great feeling again, the one we felt at the start, when our loved one made us feel good about ourselves. Rather than pure evil. 

You keep hurting meee. You keep hurting mee!

2) See the Good.

Extreme Grammar Nazis: The new cat ladies

    It only makes sense to be right if it betters the situation. OR if you're in a debate in national TV or something. And even in that situation I think the same goes. I would still want the (for example) politician who can make the world a better place to be the one regarded as "right". I'm not saying we should let each other get away with everything. I'm just saying that, in our individual quests for justice I hope we don't fail in the quest for happiness. And joy. And joyness. I don't see the sense in being right if it antagonizes my loved one senselessly.

Instead of looking at it as "you're right I'm wrong" or "I'm wrong you're right" let us focus on just "how do we make this work for both of us?" Think win-win. The question of wrongness or rightness is just a matter of pride, mostly. Feel free to consider each other's opinion, and be honest with what you really THINK is correct instead of what you WANT to be correct. Think in third person. Now, this is very sensitive and difficult at times. For example, when one is like, TOTALLY in the wrong, and one is in the right but a very gentle person? Would it be good if the gentler person yielded to the psycho one? Not really. So this really only works with people who are in it together and understand and respect each other. So, if you're reading this and you want to implement it, it's really a lot more beneficial if you let your partner read it too. *cough*

See the general good, the universal good, and what's good in your partner. That's really all that matters. The good stuff. Look at the stuff you LIKE about them. Because if you focus on the bad... Little things become really bad stuff and... You'll get a hurricane on your face.

3) It's the Little Things

Cheesiness: Not so disgusting when you're both guilty of it. PS: Hi hairy arms :p~

     Be silly. leave them notes. They don't have to be overtly cheesy or romantic, they can be just hilarious. And it would still be sweet, because no matter what it says, what it says under the lines is simple: "I thought of you." Making our presence felt as much as we can can mean everything to our partners. Even if its just putting the blanket over their sleeping bodies, leaving a text, cleaning the toilet, whatever floats your boat, when the person feels like you thought of them even when you weren't around them, it makes it clear to them that you're CHOOSING to be with them. You're not just stuck in something you signed up for in the start and don't really want anymore, you're not just comfortable and used to the routine of it all, you're really there and you love them, and you're choosing them again and again everyday.

Have a lovely Valentine's day (or night c;)

Tips towards sticking to your New Year goals

If you're like most people around my age, you probably have stopped believing in New Year Resolutions. Resolutions are like promises, they bind you into a fabrication of a future (which, as we have established, is never in your hands until it stops being the future and starts being the present anyway) while doing almost NOTHING to help you achieve those outcomes. It's all just pressure man. You don't need that!

A better thing to list down when a New Year starts, are goals. Detailed, realistic, time/measurement-bound goals. And, more importantly, What separates the two (because it's certainly not the words themselves, which basically means the same thing) is how a "goal" implies that it's an end point of a process that has a middle. And it doesn't have the stigma attached to the word "resolution". Let's face it, wording is a big thing. Not everybody is willing to look beyond their own personal word associations. Even though in a perfect world, people would try to understand the intent behind the word, practically speaking, it's more convenient to use new words for new positive associations. That being said, if the word "goal" feels binding to you as well, you don't have to use it! You don't even have to use just a word. You can use something as long as: "How I want to live my life in 2012". It's just once a year after all.

What makes resolutions fail? Don't be too hard on yourself, it's not you. Okay, it kind of is, but it's not your incapability to reach them, but probably your method of creating them in the first place. And of course, there's life. What you should focus on isn't being perfect, but getting better all the time. Always be aware of how you're getting better. It's usually enough. :) Acknowledge your accomplishments, be they big or little.

Here are some tips to help you stick to your goals! These aren't meant to sound preachy, but it's things I try to remind myself with, and at the very least they make me feel better. They help me go beyond feeling that I've reached a dead end.

1. Write things you REALLY want to accomplish. Real desire binds more efficiently than any piece of paper can. Imagine yourself accomplishing the thing, and imagine the good things it will bring to your life. If this doesn't get you excited, maybe you don't really want it. If you're one of those people that can't really think of anything but would like to make a change by giving this a try (for some odd reason..) Start by observing your life and how you feel about it. If you feel like something is missing, start there. Write what you don't like about it, and look for a counterattack. If you're perfectly pleased, then good for you! Maintain your outlook. (Actually if you are, you're probably not reading this so....)
2. Write them somewhere you always see. Like your bathroom mirror (tip: whiteboard marker!) or desk, or closet door. Not as a way of feeding yourself guilt if it doesn't get accomplished but as a friendly reminder. If you think about it, hidden resolutions will give you more guilt because by the time you find them again, you've already forgotten what you were supposed to do and you're already off-track! Again, the key is to remember that setting goals is not a way to police yourself into accomplishing stuff, but to guide yourself towards those things. Be your own friend.
3. Begin with the end in mind. Build a process. Especially if it's a big goal or a complex one, like losing weight. Think of what you want, then what you need to have it, and what you need to do. If you can't really imagine it happening yet, save it for later after you've thought about the how's more. The first steps will come clearer that way. List these things down and save them in a file on your desktop, or a notebook you always bring with you. And don't skimp on reminding yourself! put little notes of encouragement in your planner or whatever. If you have the time or are really serious about these things (like I kinda am), Thinksimplenow.com had a REALLY AWESOME METHOD that I used and I really feel like it's given me more direction in general. What I liked about it is how it really gets to the core and soul of things. It really helped me remember what I wanted in life before I became a bit more cynical or disheartened with age. And how it makes you list down the why and how of your goal, so that you're not stuck looking at it scratching your head saying "Yeah, but how?", and so that you always remember your initial motivations. It also makes you list what facet of your life it benefits, to enable you in monitoring how balanced all the important stuff are.
4. Remember that a year has 12 months, 52 weeks and 365 days. No matter how invincible the clean slate of a new year makes you feel, we are still bound by time. So if your goals don't really come with their own due date (ex: graduation, best friend's bridal shower), make your own. Make your goals measurable, so that you can reward yourself accordingly. You can do this as loosely or specifically as you like, as long as your goals are really achievable in a year's time! Otherwise you might stress yourself out or set yourself up for disappointment.
5. Feel free to follow your heart! If even with your initial reasons in front of you, you don't feel like doing something anymore (ex: skydiving just somehow STOPPED seeming so exciting), update your list! Remember that this is all about YOU, NOW. Whenever the Now is. 
6. Keep track of your progress. Have a weekly or bi-monthly check-up on yourself and your goals, or keep a journal, or have a silent staring marathon with your bathroom mirror list, reviewing where you are now. 
7. Keep yourself excited! Read blogs about people with the same challenges, or read success stories, anything to make you feel good and happy about taking this journey. Because no matter what the bad days might tell you, what you're doing is a very brave thing. You trying to be better is what life is all about! Make sure you feel as good about it as you deserve to be!

Note to Self V.1 (the PLASM troubleshooting technique)

Dear B,

You are such a scatterbrain. I understand though that when you feel drained, you find it easier to go on autopilot. For example, whenever you've just come home from school and are looking for something, you often open every zipper and look everywhere "instinctively" instead of just taking a moment to think about where it is and taking it. This is bad because you lose more time and energy by doing this. Your brain doesn't necessarily wear your body out if you think a little bit more about things, in fact your brain will thank you for the much needed exercise. Face it, you're past 20 and it's not getting any younger. Remember that episode on Discovery or Nat Geo about brain plasticity? You're not a kid anymore. Your child prodigy days are over and you slacked off towards the end. It's high bleepin' time you made up for that, which you already know, but have a hard time doing something about.

You need something that's easy to absorb and digest to keep you on track. I know how you've been reading lots of books and articles to help yourself, but you have NO WILLPOWER WHATSOEVER and when you're in that autopilot vegetable state, there's little hope for comprehension of any long-winded statement or wisdom nugget to put you back on track. You just do what you do when you do what you do. (QED, you use that statement a lot. More than you should.)

Well, we (you and me, which is.. really just me :c) deviced a five-step, single-word "mantra" for you to remember. A whole method condensed into bite-sized words, aimed to make functionality more accessible to you. Or us. Or me. (:c)

Oh, and look! I just wrote them down right now and realized that the five initials of the words actually form the word "Plasm". (kind of nothing short of perfect I guess for brain-exercising and retention of plasticity cos according to this, "plasm", coming from the word "plasma", means "to mold" in latin.) I actually thought of this a while ago, just the main germ of it, though. You already know this, cos you were there too, but well in case your/our/my(that sounds crazy) memory needs refreshing:

I was in the middle of an autopilot fit, and much worse, I was already aware of it and panicking. When this happens I usually end up talking to myself. And I did. I heard myself say "OKAY, SHUSH. Stop. Aim. Fire." as if I was talking about shooting targets. First I thought: "Bea get a grip wtf are you talking about you sound crazy etc etc etc." Then I realized that in a way, it wasn't so crazy. I was shooting items off of to-do lists. I suddenly realized the hidden wisdom behind the word Troubleshooting (okay, it was probably not hidden at all, but well, as life has taught me many times, to learn on the think-level is different from learning on the do-level). 

Now B, here are the complete steps of your new mantra(I HOPE YOU USE IT):

1. Pause. Stop yourself dead on your tracks the second you observe yourself going on autopilot. It's hard to take action right away when you're at it, so your first step is achieving non-action. Be still. When you realise you're going the wrong way you have to stop before you turn back. Stop, relax, recollect yourself. But only for a second. Once you're there,
2. Look. Observe the problem or situation ahead. What are you doing exactly? Where are you in the process? What is its significance? What's the problem? What needs solving? What is your goal? Imagine it clearly and
3. Aim. What should you be doing to get there? Where do you need to go? Begin with the end in mind. Plan the steps. For a big project, plot your save points. Build a map of action. This is where "work smart, not hard" comes in. It doesn't matter how many bullets you get off if they're all aimless. Don't waste your ammo. Be precise. Try to make every action count.
4. Shoot. Put your plans and ideas into action. Always the step you miss, but your chances are higher when you combine it with the rest of this method. Just DO THE WORK.
5. Maintain. Do it again. Make it a habit. This is your biggest problem area so far. You do it right the first few times, but you don't keep at it. Don't stop shooting until the zombie is dead. Then start shooting the next upcoming zombie. This step makes this whole method come full circle. This step reminds you that you can, and must keep going. This tells you, after you become productive, to stay productive. This is the clasp that keeps the bracelet from falling off. This is th-you probably get it by now. 

Again: Pause, Look, Aim, Shoot, Maintain. I hate to be so anal about it, but to change stubborn people like you takes a lot of creativity.

How to keep the bathroom floor* dry when you shower. For slobs like me Vol.1 (Plus really cool hair-washing tips, you're welcome.)

Here at B's How-To Factory, not only is she concerned in sharing with you the bigger how-to's that she discovers in life as she finds them, but also the little things that make trivial day-to-day stuff a bit better, one way or another. (Along with taking the piss and making other random lists just because she can.)

Today she has found herself needing to shower in her mother's bathroom once more, for she is still out of shampoo in her own bathroom. Ah, yes my friends: B lives at home. She lives there with her mom, two older brothers, and one younger brother who is still in school like she is.  This isn't a very odd predicament where she is from. Now that we have got that little bit of information out of her, because boy oh boy isn't it exciting when bloggers divulge a bit of personal information here and there, we shall now make her stop referring to herself in third person because let's face it, she is the only one writing this (and reading this kind of) after all.

So yes, as I was saying, I was going to take a shower in my mother's bathroom. And I guess, because I've been on a journey of only learning NOW how to really pick up after myself, (yes, after 21 years folks) I somehow, in the middle of rinsing, came up with the amazing idea that maybe I didn't have to mop the floor with my used clothes this time (too graphic for you? I really do that). Usually after I shower, I get the floor very wet because of having to walk across the bathroom to even dry myself. I was somehow especially conscientious today and thought maybe there was *gasp* ..another way..

Maybe I should just ....not wet the floor* in the first place??!!

*with "bathroom floor", i meant the space of floor that goes beyond what is meant to be used for showering and bathing. Of course there is nothing that can be done for the space right below the showerhead. I apologize for every single one of you who came here looking for a magic trick. I'm sure a lot of you did because this is the internet. Don't worry, maybe in the future I'll eventually do a post about magic tricks, this is a how-to blog after all (albeit a very personal one)..I guess keep an eye on it and you'll find out!

How to Not Wet the Floor in the First Place:

1. Keep your "tools" within reach.



source



 Before you shower, place the towel/s you will be using somewhere in arm's reach from where you're showering without having to step out from the assigned showering area. Do this with use of a towel rack if you have one that is near the shower, or even a dry sink.



2. Minimize the damage
   

   

   He's letting the curtain do all the caring for him.

   Limit the amount of water that splashes outside the assigned area WHILE you shower. Of course a lot of us don't even really notice this, but here are a few tips that might be useful:
1. Invest in a shower curtain if your showering area isn't enclosed. In my particular case I don't actually have a shower curtain in my own bathroom, but what I do instead is to make sure the showerhead isn't facing too far away, and that the water projectile is aimed at the tub, where I shower. In this particular instance where I've done it successfully however, it was because my mom's shower area is enclosed. Heh.
2. Be mindful of what you're doing. While getting yourself squeaky clean, it's not only good to be mindful because of the dry-floor benefits. You are also more likely to be able to apply these nice showering tips:
1. Rinse shampoo and conditioner with cold water to seal cuticles for healthier shinier hair!
2. Shampoo near the scalp starting from the nape (to prevent hairloss where it's visible), condition near the ends (that's where hair usually gets dry cos it's farther from sebum-producing roots).
3. ....That's.. it, actually.



3. Calm down.
   

   

   Boob-shaped gel dispensers highly unrecommended for floor dryness. This is a guy who is too excited in the shower if I ever saw one.

   Don't get too excited to step out of the showering area. I know it's part of routine and it's a method that's tricky to not snowball into, but it's crucial in our important work of floor-dryness. (Please stop looking at the boobs now) It's also part of why it's good to be mindful of what we're doing most of the time. (This isn't only a good idea in terms of showering. I once got hit in the eye with a bamboo stick during dance practice because my dance partner's mind was somewhere else during rehearsal. We were supposed to make the sticks hit each other [her attacking, me shielding] and make a loud noise, so she whacked it full force towards me.. a count too early. Don't worry, my eye is intact. My face cushioned the blow. I had a slash-shaped bruise for two weeks. It's been five years and I still remember. Do you want to be someone a random blogger mentions in an unnecessar[il]y long parenthesis because of not paying attention ESPECIALLY when you absolutely had to? I didn't think so.) 



4. Imagine A Portal.

   

   Enter a world of dryness.. Hm. That somehow didn't sound as appealing as I thought it would.

   Imagine an invisible vertical border that separates the inside of the shower area to the rest of the bathroom. Every time a part of you passes the border, you have to take measures with your magic tools that will enable you to enter this magical world of dryness. What I'm simply trying to describe here is the method of drying parts of yourself as you cross the border. Personally, I squeezed excess water from my hair and wrapped it with a towel first because it's freakishly long and therefore hold a lot of moisture, then I dried my body with a separate towel, and lift the first foot, dry it up to the leg, and put it down. Then I do the same to the other foot while keeping it in the border, then pull it out and put it down when it's dry.

Et Voila! You now know how to use other people's bathrooms without pissing them off about slippery wet floors! Your roomate-able points have just increased! 

You're welcome.