When Inspiration Gets... Scary.

A lot of the time when I get artist's blocks, I would offhandedly claim that I lack inspiration. "I need to get inspired!" I would think to myself, often writing "Get inspired!" on my daily checklists as a reminder to not wait for it to come and go looking for it instead.

But lately I've been noticing something happen a lot.. Something very curious and unexpected. I find myself being very inspired very often... And it doesn't make me feel better.

Instead it makes me feel scared, overwhelmed, and instead of adding clarity to the mess of bobbing ideas in my dirty bathtub of a mind it feels as if it just adds more noisy rubber duckies in the mix, squeaking, squawking, demanding my attention.

Listing ideas usually help, even if only to calm the anxiety symptoms these moments cause. Enabling me to try and lure the rubber duckies to form a straight line so I can deal with them one by one. (Sorry, I'm a little stuck in my rubber duckie metaphor.)

So I've had a change in priorities. Now I'm more about learning how to compile ideas that come up and being able to organize them in such a way that I can understand in the future. But the most important part that I'm dealing with is the one in which I have the most trouble with - following through. 

I'm trying to train my mind into finding it natural to actually work on things which feels sooo different from the imagining part. Coming up with ideas is something I'm alright at, it feels easy and natural, I can plan extensively in my head, come up with ways to do things... But once I need to execute, I'm like, wat is dis.

i actually just made this in memegenerator high five

Inspiration is useless if no work is created. It's merely a first step. Still, it's a thing that I lacked that I'm glad to have found. It's a step up. A box checked off. And that's what I want all of this to be about - not being perfect, just being better all the time.

What eases me to think about is the thought that I'm not failing anyone else as much as I'm failing myself.

Just kidding, that doesn't really comfort me much.

But it shifts my feelings of having to appear alright to wanting to just be alright. To allow myself to be in the thick of the struggle, to get my hands dirty, get embarassed, fail, be rejected, and hopefully after everything, learn things I can use as I go along.

So yeah. That's where I am right now.

Knowing my faults is key.

Things I Learned From Marie Kondo's Book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

I finished listening to the audio version of this book while playing Minecraft a few weeks ago, during my slump (I use this word so much in my blog that it probably belongs in the header somewhere). As lazy and messy as I naturally am, I have always been very interested and excited by the prospect of organizing things. In fact, when I'm not ailed by my seemingly chronic low energy, I do a pretty good job at fixing, tidying, and organizing things. At least I think so, and Beardy would agree! Although he might not be the best judge of that because he normally can't tell the difference unless it's drastic. :o)

One thing I've learned, though, is that you don't get from a normal cluttered hum-drum room or house to one worthy of being in a magazine just by shuttling all your belongings from here to there and chucking them into boxes and cabinets - you actually have to get rid of stuff for your space to truly feel tidy.

But these few things usually trouble me when I attempt to tidy up: 

1. I have a lot of anxiety about parting with things as I have the tendency to be very sentimental.
2. I have a lot of guilt about throwing things in the trash because I don't exactly know where everything ends up *insert picture of Smokey Mountain and audio clip of O Fortuna here*
3. As sort of an effect of #2, I always have SO MANY IDEAS about how to recycle everything!!!
4. I like displaying cute things around me and sometimes the things pile up and end up hiding less-desirable things behind/under/inside them (I LIKE DECORATIVE CANS AND BOXES :c) and so my things eat up a lot more space than they should.

But boy oh boy did this book help me deal with these feelings! What I really appreciated about this book, apart from the clever and simplified ideas, was that it not only told you what to do (which everyone has their own way of doing things in the end anyway) but how do deal with the feelings that normally come up when we part with things. In fact, the whole philosophy behind this book is centered on how you feel - specifically, about what sparks joy.

It won't ask you to tick boxes of qualifications for a thing to be deemed worthy of keeping. It simply asks you to hold each thing you have and contemplate on whether it sparks joy or not. And if it's something you truly need, but it doesn't exactly spark any joy (for example, if you're a medical student you probably have a buttload of books.. Hi Jess c;), it asks you to contemplate on the importance it has in your life and to appreciate the role it plays, so that you change your mental relationship with it into a positive one. Then it ends up sparking joy, as well.

What it comes down to, basically, is for us to Mindfully Own Things, so that we don't passively accumulate things over time and rather make it so that our belongings change with us, grow with us, and don't weigh us down. In this way, every single thing becomes useful and important, we know where everything is, and we have space to let our minds breathe in our dwellings. Also, it's much easier to re-decorate with less things in the way.

So for my four stumbling blocks, here are the lessons that the book has offered me to overcome them:

1. Anxiety about parting with things- KonMari confronts us about the real reason why we keep things, and the true purpose of things and how we can part with things once they serve their purpose. She suggests that when we hold on to these things we are weighing ourselves down by holding on to the past and instead encourages us to cherish the present, and our present relationships. An example that really struck me was about how we hold on to gifts or letters out of guilt even when they no longer suit us even though the people who have given them have probably forgotten about them, or holding on to letters from people we've fallen out with, even though they probably don't remember anything about what they wrote and probably don't feel the same way anymore.
2. Guilt about trash- Well, actually, this book's attitude towards trash probably hinges on a more effective waste disposal system in Japan because the throwing-away part in this book is as simple as just putting them in trash bags and promptly taking them outside before anyone who'd want to dig through it in your family could see. Although, the whole part about the true purpose of things has made me ready to part with much more things than I normally would be, especially when they could do better if given away, or even, yes, ending up where the trash goes - because they're valuable as picking items (This sounds really problematic because it's usually kids who do this here in the Philippines. It's a sad reality that I do not condone at all, but it's really the best option for these unusable items :c Feel free to suggest better options, if any.)
3. Recycling- The book makes a good point that basically goes: "When though? I mean really.." when it uses the example of people keeping reference materials for finished classes under the pretense that they will want to read through it again one day. The reality is that we would likely only want to read through a couple of those things or even forget we even have them, so as for me, I probably would only be able to do some of these recycling projects, and forget about the rest. So I should either get with the crafting soon, or just ditch the project.
4. My Penchant for Cute Clutter and Sneaky Storage- The book turns the old saying "A place for everything, and everything in its place" into "A purpose for everything, and everything in its place." It asks us to avoid "storage solutions" that actually just give us places to hide things we don't know what to do with. Honestly, this is the hardest part. I have numerous small containers for numerous small things. The situation is especially dire on my desk. The technique of dumping everything in a single pile and sorting every single thing makes it so that there's less chances of me keeping duplicates of things, and I will get to see all of the containers and... maybe get rid of the ones that aren't cute anymore due to rusting or wear and tear. Luckily, KonMari doesn't actually have anything against having decorations, as long as they all, individually spark joy. So that actually wouldn't be so hard.

"Do I find this knick-knack or doodad as cute as Marie Kondo?" If the answer is yes, then I can keep it.

I'm excited and to be honest quite nervous about doing it, because I still am not 100% sure about how to move the things I purge along, and I'm going to face a lot of internal struggling when it comes to things that can still be fixed!

I'm planning to buy a huge sturdy box for the stuff I'm going to donate, and plan out my purge on a free weekend. I'm going to be documenting it, of course! I wonder when though, because I kind of need a huge amount of energy to do this!

PS: Go here for an Illustrated Guide to KonMari style folding. It's really simple, but once you read/listen to the book you'll realise how important that is!

Inside Out and how Empathy lets Joy "Grow Up" (and its parallelisms with Hector and the Search for Happiness)

*slight spoiler warning*

Inside Out reminds me of Hector and the Search for Happiness.

In this film, Simon Pegg's character Hector starts out pretty unhappy even though he is quite well off. He feels very meh about his very comfortable, "tidy" life. He is a psychiatrist and he listens to his clients' stories with emotional detachment. He tries to find meaning in his life and goes traveling, being the privileged individual who can afford it that he is.

I highly recommend this film for good vibes, by the way.

There is a moment in this film that keeps coming back to Hector, when he finds himself under Tibetan prayer flags, and he hears a voice saying that it takes all of the different colors. It takes all colors.

In Inside Out, this concept is illustrated through the five emotions in Riley's head. At first, it seems as though Joy is the only positive, functional emotion. I'll try not to spoil Hector, but at the end of both movies, the lesson is clear: processing, or working with the other seemingly negative emotions is the way to sustain Joy's functionality. We should not suppress "negative" things, but deal with them and let them allow us to empathise with each other, so that happiness can have meaning. 

As children, for us who are privileged enough in terms of where we live, our world is kept small and simple. At this stage, it is easy and natural for Joy to be the only emotion we come across often. But as we grow up, our world becomes bigger. We are made to deal with a lot of uncomfortable changes in our own lives, and we see the state of the rest of humanity. We also hopefully start to understand other people better, and we are pressured more to take other peoples' feelings into account. A lot of people cannot choose to live without these negative feelings as a result of their life's circumstances, or mental/psychological capabilities, or the experiences they've had.

Even though Inside Out and Hector demonstrate the same concept in very different life stages, both stories put Joy in charge, and allow her to work with the others. Joy is in charge, because it motivates us to keep going on so that we can make things better.

 Both stories attempt to teach the lesson that a meaningful life, one we can be happy to look back on, requires us to be open to all emotions and not suppress pain and discomfort when they come. Processing and going through all of them together, "all the colors", and not clinging too much to joy and comfort so much that it loses all meaning. 

Joy in itself is a dead end, if we don't put it in context with the other emotions. We need to use joy to propel us to ease each others' pain, and our own.. But only after we open our eyes and hearts to find out where that pain is.

Movie Rating: 4 STARS. Really cool, but makes me really want a sequel to feel like it's enough.

like fire

these are the kinds of days where two showers are necessary

and sometimes not even enough

when you wonder if you've been eating more than your share

because you've bloated, and then you realise it's the heat

and that you're expanding

you're pieces of matter after all,

even though sometimes you forget

it's not pretty

to be in between two sizes

you've been here before

a nine year old

feeling sexless and free

only to come home to a mother telling you 

that you need to wear something under your shirt

because your breasts betray the youth 

that has been everything you knew

up to that point

and here you are again

wondering about the next shape you'll take

it's days like these where you try to escape your body

sleeping more often than usual

mind racing, impossible to pin down

to the one task you know you need to commit to

if you're ever to leave this phase

you're hot, molten metal

but your final form is still

peaceful, purposeful

solid enough to permeate 

and to leave a mark.

the sun is testing you

and there is no way out of the heat

for now

to be enlightened, is to be lit

bright enough

to see through the shadow of the discomfort

emanating from the same source

❀ positive thought processes to be thunkin ❀

being inspired by awesome/pretty local people

case in point: sarah meier, sanya smith (she is so cool + pretty, and i'm not over the fact that my best friend's sister once thought i looked a bit like her:)

finding something to like about people i don't (or didn't, in second case) particularly like

case in point: selena gomez (see picture below) and olivia wilde (view this photoset for the best twitter comeback i've ever seen)

i love her hair, sunnies, and clothes in this pic

my puppy being the fluffiest funniest kookiest puppy in all the laand ~ ♡

this is her official sexy/wise yoda face

✿~my sweet baby giiirl ~✿
(she's actually quite a rascal)

bryarly and charlie (chraryarly?? ☹) bein the superest and cutest couple in this video:

speaking of couples i'm also particularly appreciative of the fact that beardy and i are still getting better at being together somehow! and i'm still getting to love him more everyday, and my heart grows more and more squishy at the thought of him and our future together, and it's becoming easier to talk about that future in fact, because it feels real and i want it to be real and it's not hard to believe it can become real, and i think that's the best part in all of that.

me getting back on "the horse" regarding singing and music and writing songs and stuff

i'm starting to like my voice again, and i feel like singing a lot more and maybe working on getting in the songwriting zone more often! this may mean many things, like maybe i can upload new stuff on my new youtube channel like:

and other very engaging activities that will make me feel alive again such as art and proper documentation of these activities too

but of course i'm putting everything on hold for now.. the #1 positive thought/dream thing on my mind right now is:

graduating!!!

I really want it! And although it's already march and I've yet to finish my paper, I feel motivated and not let down by myself. I guess the fact that this is the one last push before FREEDOOOOM keeps me from lamenting how long it's taken me (and I do mean long.)

So yeah. I hope you, reader, whoever you are, also take some time out of your day today to think of things that make you feel happy, things that drive you, things that fuel your lust for life, and all that good stuff!

What are your happy thoughts? What are you grateful about? It doesn't have to be big! Like, maybe you're happy about a certain favorite food being present in your fridge right now. I don't know, but I'm sure you'll find something!

It's always a choice and I hope you choose to:

☆☆☆

planning meals and monthly resolutions

sorry i missed a day and that the updates i do manage are boring. it's dawn and i've just backed a bunch of my files up onto my external hard drive. this whole thing with my pc dying really threw me off (almost literally dying. slowly losing its functions and running on life support which is at the moment two fans i've just stopped using headphones because the fact that i can only operate on safe mode removes the need for me to remedy its cracked audio).

however, i think that it's actually helping me in the grander scheme of things like family life and resolutions.

i had so many posts thought up but i couldn't poo them out because i'm very easily distracted and like i said, the thrown off thing. that + too much sensory stimulation caused by a lot of home improvements, crafts, and thinking  up of life changes i want to make for the year = one very scatterbrained blogger. however i am in some level convinced that it's possible to revert the magnifying-glass power of excitement from escaping from a task to escaping INTO the task. i've done it before. it's just too easy to do the former and very easy to switch back into it. a high level of vigilance is required for me to really engage my mind into things. however, lately, i am able to battle higher levels of resistance with much more ease so i guess in a way i'm improving.

....yes i'm compensating not being able to upload anything with sorta-relevant google images.

a couple of updates:

• we now have two helpers! my mom's boss very suddenly had them sent over. i know i said something about us taking after the home ourselves, but that's quickly turning into me not having time for much else in my life at this critical stage, so it's fine. i made a point to be very warm and friendly to them so we're all comfortable, and they feel okay with asking me stuff so the house runs smoothly. i'm still mostly in charge of orienting them and planning the food and generally still kind of looking after stuff (at least during hours where i'm awake~ sadly, i've reverted to my natural night owl pattern, but i'll fix that before monday) but it's really nice to be able to focus a bit more on personal tasks! the higher level of activity that i've acquired that has just recently been unneeded for housework has spilled over to be used on me-stuff. perfect timing because i'm at that stage of getting out of school and starting to find my calling and all.
• I made resolutions and I wanted to share them to you:

Following the Happiness Project method, I created some themed-per-month resolutions. Only, instead of aiming at happiness, I aimed for general change for the better. The goal here is to simply be my ideal self (happiness included too of course).

I merged this method with the resolutions method that I used from Think Simple Now which I've mentioned in a couple of past posts. The result is a bunch of daily resolutions oriented towards monthly themes guided by a self-diagnosis of what to improve on.

For this month, the theme is to jumpstart the year. Here's the portion from my text file:

January

Theme: Get on track (high yield action plan to jumpstart the year)

·        Meditate (on goals, feeling good, connectedness, creativity, confidence)

o   Why: mindset is everything

o   Category: everything

·        Work on thesis

o   Why: it’s life’s next step

o   Category: financial stability, lifestyle, connections

·        Do something creative

o   Why: to get in touch with myself

o   Category: art and creativity, health and wellness, inspiration

Book to finish: the happiness project

the three bulleted items are my daily resolutions. They generally are tangible steps that can lead to the theme for the month. I have a small planner that I'm using as both my resolutions tracker and sort of a journal. In The Happiness Project, Gretchen speaks of keeping a one-sentence journal, where you are to write the one happiest moment of the day. I'm thinking of incorporating that into my small planner because the space for each day is very conducive to this task.

As you can see, and with every monthly theme, I have a "book to finish". this is because I want to read about ten books this year. This makes sure that I do. This year I wanted to:

• read more books
• see more films
• eat more veggily

I tried to match the books with the monthly themes, and serendipitously, the two books that I've left unfinished from the past year ( The Happiness Project and Subtle Knife) match the themes for January and February,  and in the appropriate length too: The Happiness Project is nearly finished and I'm just past half-way with Subtle Knife. This allows me to adjust slowly, practicing reading faster in the span of three months.

So far, the resolution that's hardest to do every day is of course to focus on my thesis, while the easiest is to do something creative every day. Today I almost didn't make it, because I decided that today will be the day that I do my first challenging origami (I bought some for this specific purpose) and ended up being very intimidated before I even started.

because JESUS CHRIST.

Luckily, i came up with an idea. Since I had to do a meal plan anyway (actually a reason why the thought of doing confusing, time consuming paper magic didn't seem so wise) I decided to creatively allow myself to stick with that topic and drew some drafts of a layout for a meal/recipe planner notebook thingy that I thought up. so there! I at least crossed off one item off the list.

There. A big long one. With pictures. *pats self on the back* Pretty good for blogging in Safe Mode.

the n00b advantage

I've always been vocal about being a fan of Cesar Millan. I even dedicated a campaign proposal project in school to his philosophies. Today I watched an episode of the Dog Whisperer that pulled on my heartstrings a lot of different ways.

First of course, the main story of the episode and the basis for the episode title, there was Gotti and his late owner Jimmy who was a great follower of Cesar (from afar) and looked up to him in the way he trained Gotti. 

Cesar came over to his bereaved family months after Jimmy died to rehabilitate Gotti, who was already used to the techniques from Jimmy because Jimmy watched Cesar so closely when he was still alive. By this time Daddy had already passed away, and Cesar noted that Gotti has similar behaviours to Daddy. Jimmy's sister emotionally expressed that she felt really honoured by Cesar's comment, (and to be honest I felt emotional too) and felt proud that Jimmy seemed to have done things right with Gotti. Like Cesar said, it was like he met Jimmy in spirit, and he was very much still alive through his legacy in raising Gotti.

Second, there was the story of Madison and her owner Adrianna. Madison's only real behaviour problem was how she jumps at people when she greets them. At 150 pounds, it proved to be a bit serious after Adrianna's dad sustained a neck injury and had to wear a neck brace. Adrianna seemed to be aware from the start that she had problems asserting herself, specifically in terms of personal space. She grew up with a twin sister and never had to familiarize herself with owning it. She said she "wasn't good" at it, because of this fact.

Cesar and Daddy

But Cesar digressed and said (this is paraphrased from memory):

That's good! To me, all I see is possibility. ‘Cos you don’t know how to do it wrong! You’ve never tried it. It’s a blank canvass.

That hit me on the head like a bottle of cold water on a hot, sweaty day. Unexpected, eventually what you needed in the first place, and ultimately refreshing.

I realised that there are probably many things in life that I put myself down about, but have never actually tried to know for sure. Selling, working in a professional environment (that isn't run by my mom that is), croquet, tennis, writing a book, even the big things, like running a business!

There are so many things too, that I felt like I've tried and failed at, when I in fact haven't given them a real good try and can't possibly judge myself on them fairly. So much things that I've mentally sorted as "not my thing" when I've in fact not really given them a good go to be sure. And they're things that I find really interesting so it's not like there's no reason to try!

What I do know I'm not very good at is constancy and determination. I definitely know how to do those wrong. But the fact that this comes from knowing something changes my paradigm: Maybe I can change the way I know about them, and get a way that will work for me! Cesar had certainly changed many people who knew very well how to do stuff wrong. It's harder and needs more repetition, but not impossible.

But first I need to focus and re-frame the way I think about the things that I'm "bad" at but haven't really tried. Who knows, maybe I'm actually good at them.

First things on my list:

1. making documentaries
2. doing citations
3. finishing college

Okay okay, I admit I kinda molded that to my current needs but.. It's hard to focus on much else. But hey, I'm usually bad at that so that's a good thing!

Blog Love v.1

Okay I know that I keep getting stuck with just volume one's of everything for now. I suck at routines. This time I'm not going to try and make this a weekly thing, We know how well that went the last time I tried...

But yeah, right now I just feel like sharing to you blogs I frequent a lot. All pictures are taken from their blogs, all linked up so feel free to click away and start loving them as much as I do <3

1)Tiny Tangerines

Kelly Anne is a twenty-something crafter mom. Her babies have the cutest names! I've been following her for a long time on tumblr now. I just love her, her style, her outlook on life, her ADORABLE family and creations :3 She makes the cutest hats, bows, headbands, and she always rocks adorable nail art (and fierce mermaid/fairy hair).

"You're obsessed with that woman!" 

- My boyfriend's actual words one day I showed him like, three separate pics from Kelly Anne's tumblr.. woops!

2)Delirious Rhapsody

Deanna also runs a mom blog (don't judge me) and she has two adorable little redheaded boys. She updates frequently which I love but also makes her blog a bit addicting! I love reading her posts cos she seems so honest and real, and although I'm not a mom, very relatable.

3)Chocablog

I love reading the reviews on this site. I don't really buy a lot of chocolate and I try to not eat so much either but I'm really a chocogirl at heart. The writers are really good and describe stuff in a way that makes me feel like I'm tasting them too. :> They also post recipes, which is special. I'm totally thankful for that.

4)Think Simple Now

At last.. Mah main squeeze! Haha, in all seriousness I think it's obvious that I get a lot of life fuel from this site. I love it to bits and often mention it. It provides a good mental-emotional sorting out for anyone who is looking for some. I highly recommend it.

I also want to add His Black Dress, which I only found today. 

In Michael Spookshow's own words, he's: 

"Just a spooky boy in a skirt who loves alt fashion. I'm here to sabotage social perceptions about what men should and shouldn't wear, and I'm doing it in a smokin' pair of heels, baby!"

I know some of you might think I'm only mentioning it for the shock value, but honestly, he's REALLY GOOD at this. I'm actually learning a bit about layering and stuff. I'm usually just a sneakers and shorts kinda girl. Looking at his clothes makes me feel like I can be a bit bolder, too. Maybe :p

And who doesn't love a little middle-finger-upping towards society? I think it is a bit queer that girls can wear men's clothes without having to be labelled gay while men can't do the same. I mean, I'm not under the illusion that crossdressing for both sexes should be the norm, but the few men that want to wear women's clothes should really be left to their own choices. 

It would be a pity to force jeans on those amazing legs. He wears heels better than I do.

Ricky Garduno and untimely deaths.

This was supposed to be posted last night, but I felt like I didn't have the energy to make the post on this topic conclusive to anything. I still can't make it conclusive today, but I think that's kind of the point. So don't expect to learn anything from this I guess.

Yesterday was all about untimely deaths. And recognizing that nobody is spared. Even myself, if ever events decided it.

My brother was driving me to the bus stop. A crazy fast, colossal truck wooshed by us, honking me to full-awakeness. And as I've been somehow doing a lot lately, I imagined the outcome of an instance wherein it didn't just zoom past us, but kind of hit us, causing a domino effect or whatever, ultimately just crushing us and killing us.

I thought about my boyfriend, and how I would really hate myself if I had to leave that way. I was suddenly reminded of his brother, who died in an accident a couple years ago, and in a weird way I felt again the shock that I oddly felt when I'd just heard of the story and imagined it. If I, who never even met him, feel so much frustration over what happened, like I can't accept that it happened, what more for my baby who knew him all his life? The thought of making him feel that way again, left by someone closest to him, it just made me worry about where he would get his reasons for living if I suddenly die. I know that he would, eventually, but just the thought of the initial hurt was enough to make me hate myself for that event. Which didn't even happen.

Sorry about that. That was dark, but it's honestly what went through my mind. That happens sometimes. Dunno what it is, maybe a little bit of this?:

These are screencaps from the latest episode of Family Guy. Coincidentally, it was what really triggered this post last night. After the show was over, this slide was shown:

As always, when I see something like this and the person who just died looks young, I read up about them. Young people dying just sets off an alarm in me, like I immediately need to see an explanation. Maybe it's a self-bracing thing. I guess I want to know about things that could kill me before I'm ready. Maybe I want to see how the factors aren't the same for me, or at least gather up more note-to-selfs towards avoiding that path.

I never knew Ricky before that episode and this whole post might seem obnoxious to anyone who did. But after googling his name, and reading the first two results, my heart ached for him. He was apparently in so much pain. And unlike a lot of the (possible)suicides I've heard of, he wasn't someone who just gave up. He tried to get up on his feet. He tried to fight. People saw him struggle. But somehow, a foolish act one night took his life. I don't know if it was on purpose... One of his friends made an illustration saying something about how she doesn't want to believe he really wanted to kill himself.. that he just "went down a gray path and.. stopped being careful, you know?" And I totally get that. Whatever the actual act was.

"Suicide by omission".. I get it.

Whether it be by being so weak inside that one cannot look after himself anymore, or a blink of an eye that was less than careful, the point is that things just happen. Things just happen sometimes. Not for a reason. And I really believe that. I believe that "the reasons" are just ways to look at the bright side, which is nice. But in the end, nothing can really prepare us. Nothing can be calculated to guess a certain result. Life is unpredictable.

Some people might ask, "then why try to control things if at anytime, things can happen to fuck you up?" But I'd really rather take advantage of whatever I can grab by myself. Whatever I want to control, I'll control. I won't let the fear of death stop me. I don't want to live as if I'm just a death waiting to happen. I already am, but I'm also a life that is already happeNING. If I die tomorrow, at least I will die while I'm alive.

Listomania

Lists: Think less of them, and see the manifestations grow. Like a riot, like a riot, oh!
(Plus points if you smirked at that)

The new year has clocked in and everyone's talking about resolutions, or not having them. I've jotted down quite a few things myself, but they're motivators, not resolutions. Everyday I will try to be better. It's not just something for new year's!

Things to be excited about for 2012:

1. Graduating! Even if some complications turn up for my March graduation, I can still get my diploma on September / October because I've already taken all of my subjects! So whatever happens, this is the year I become done with school :)
2. My boyfriend visiting me for the first time!.. Yeah, yeah, say what you want about "internet" relationships but we're making it work so far, we treat each other better than most couples I know, and we've been together for more than a year now! Also he's spending his birthday here awww <3
3. Travelling the around the country with him! We're going around to see stuff, most of which even I haven't seen yet so it will be new to both of us! Newer to him than me though, obviously :p
4. Losing weight. Nope I'm not dismayed by the idea of exercise and eating "less" (I prefer to call it eating "better") It's just that I realized that I'm ending everything in exclamation marks and I'm starting to annoy myself!


5. Being able to choose what to do with my time. This way, I can:
1. Set aside time for things like : meditation, reading, creative time (sewing, crafting, singing, writing, practicing guitar and keyboard), "home office" hours (in which I attempt and succeed, even if in small dosages only, to start generating income), and exercise.
2. Regularly pick up after myself, clean my room, do chores, cook food, all the good domestic stuff. Trainin to be a work-from-home kinda person hahaha. It's the new thing isn't it?
3. Go out and explore new possibilities. It will be nice to not be chained to a primary priority you definitely cannot say no to, even if I eventually find myself in some desk job.. I want to treat life like an adventure and go see places and meet people with similar interests.
4. Monitor my family's diet. It would be nice to be able to contribute positively to my whole family's overall health. My mother, who is the only other person in the family interested in being healthy, simply cannot fit it in her schedule to really sit down and make recipes for every day! Busy woman. So I want to be the nutrition guy. hahah. Maybe eventually we'll all start doing physical activities together like walking outside, or walking the dogs, which brings me to the next one:
5. Take care of Seeker. We have three dogs in the house, and Seeker is somehow the one who's "mine." He's the last descendant of our great motherdog Swatch; her great-grandson. I named him after Harry Potter's quidditch position when the first movie came out. I don't know why I didn't name him Snitch instead because he's golden and it sounds more doglike, but I don't regret it much because I like what the name Seeker implies :) I think I'm a natural Seeker in life and I'm getting sidetracked here. As I was saying before I got rudely interrupted by my flashbacks and musings, I want to be able to give him baths and walk him. My older brother is a bit hard-headed about taking care of his adorable dog Mozart, and although we tell him all the time, I think nothing is better than walking the walk instead. (Thank you Modern Family for this lesson.)
6. Designing a planner for 2013. ;)
7. Learning new things :D With time and youth in my hands, I want to make sure I make the most out of my first year out of school. I'll never stop learning, and hopefully, I'll never stop being curious.

I feel that my outlook in life is so much more positive now that I'm out of my teens. Let's hope it lasts and that it eventually pushes me out of my "lost" phase! I honestly still don't know what to do! But now I'm excited about instead of dreading the outcome.

And now, annoying preachy-hallmark card-moment time!

To all of you,(I'm really only mostly speaking to myself, as is the same for this whole blog) Enjoy this year! Set goals, be excited, but be easy on yourself, and make health and your mood your first priority! Don't worry too much about running out of time to the point where you forget what you need it for. (hint: living a GOOD+HAPPY life) Or end up shortening the time you do have because stress kills, you know.

Laugh often, love fully, treat every circumstance in life as if you chose it yourself. Treat everything that comes your way as if it's good news or at the very least, an opportunity to grow. In the end, it's all just a ride. Don't let it get to you! Don't take yourself so seriously. Take it easy and the universe will reflect your attitude back to you. Life is a big game of pretend that everyone is playing, so play! And have fun. :)

It's playtime. :)

It's somehow became a trend in everything I read lately: what people regret when they're dying. It showed up in the book I just read, It showed up blogposts and facebook newsfeed updates. All from different people. We are mortal beings. We will die someday. What we have here in front of us, the Now, is all we have at any given time. And one day we won't be conscious of it anymore. We will become unconscious earth matter again. Wasting time is a greater sin than wasting electricity, money, water, anything at all.

Something happened in first period made me disappointed in myself today. It made it so clear how I've let many things that are so near to me slip by. But I'd dare say that actually feeling disappointed by something like that is a HUGE improvement on my part. Because I see now, clearly, how things can be really better. Why it's important to try. Why it's not a big waste of energy. I see that picture in my head, I see what I'm missing. And it all came to me before it's too late.

I feel my higher Self calling out to me, telling me it's time for another paradigm shift.. (I hear Scott Pilgrim in my head: "One of your famous paradigm shifts?")

When I came home, I was so set on making things right. I had a flash of a magical feeling of presence during third period while watching a documentary about Global Warming and I was planning to use it to its full potential. But somehow the afternoon turned into playtime with my nieces. First I was teaching my 8-y/o niece new french words (she likes making me teach her some french that I learn from class) and my 3-y/o niece kept piping in and so I let her join us. Then it turned into a wonderful wonderful time. We practiced handshakes, little tickling rhymes, and other games. Then we pretended to be animals. I was so fully immersed in these activities, fully going for it, ignoring whatever it was in my head that was making me a bit embarrassed about how silly I was being. The distinction between the adult and the children disappeared. All that was left were three children, just one "leading" with more experience and knowledge under her belt. But all of the things we were doing were not below me at all. We were equals.

It's time to look at independent life as one huge playground.

Why? I just put some things together, very recent things (as if the universe was singing me a song), and it all made sense:

1. It's useless to aim for "adultness". Because what is an adult anyway? Weren't we all kids at some point? What makes a kid any less of a human being than a fully grown human being apart from the fact that a child is new and has less responsibilities? I've always felt insecure about the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in a really childlike mindset. This has caused a lot of fear and resistance on my part. But I've now come to terms with the fact that there's nothing wrong with feeling like a kid having adult experiences. That maybe it's not me being a child. It's just who I really am, and that's okay. A person is a person is a person. I should apply the respect I have for children (trying to talk to them as equals instead of manipulating them with my advantages in practical knowledge and experience) to my own self. I am me no matter what age I am and I don't need to act in a way that isn't me.
2. Playtime creates REAL dreams, goals, aims, personalities. I know that treating life like it's playtime and to not take it seriously seems irresponsible. But when I really think about it, when I used to play games as a kid, when I pretended I was a doctor, a mom, a talented violin player, in my head, it was pretty darn serious business. It felt important. It was just pretend, but I really lived and was present in those "characters" much more than I ever have been in my real adult life so far. Playtime generates REAL, USABLE LIFE ENERGY. And if I employ the same enthusiasm and presence to my life now, there will be far more resistance and more enjoyment in every step I take.
3. It's all about self-validation. If this is what works for me, then I should use it! Awakening the child in me shakes off A LOT of the inhibition. It feels good being able to let go of all my preconceptions about how I should act. Or how I need to do things. Nobody else really knows what they're doing anyway.

Isn't this a more exciting concept anyway? Being a kid doing adult stuff? Having fun, doing what you want, but also KNOWING what you're doing and having the liberty to decide?

I agree. It definitely is. And if immersing myself in this paradigm shift is really all it takes for me to make the most of the time I've got left than isn't that just a classic case of "Back to Basics"? Ah well. I never would have really understood its importance the easy way.