Wheezy Waiter's Ten Minute Rule ... AMPLIFIED

How to Stop Procrastinating With The 10 Minute Rule

I'm going to do an experiment on myself. 

It is currently March 31 as I write part 1 of this whole thing. But I am going to do this challenge for the next day, and update this post with another post. A post-post-post.

If I remember.🤷

So, if you can't or don't want to watch the video attached, Craig's rule goes like this:

If there is something you have been having a hard time habitualizing in your life, that means, a good habit probably (hopefully...? otherwise .. why?), then tell yourself you'll just do it for 10 minutes, and then you can stop. That supposedly should:

1. Take some pressure off

2. If you get in the zone, and then have to stop, then you'll probably crave more. 

He actually times himself doing the things and forces himself to stop.

I'm tweaking my version a little bit, because of the "Be Bea" rule, which is to adapt every advice to my own personality, guided by the self-awareness that I've been trying to develop keenly over the past decade or so. (I got this from Gretchen Ruben. Her rule is "Be Gretchen" obviously. Just like the concept, the name should change to yours! be! your! self!)

So here are my tweakies:

1. If the action is important for someone else (like deadlines for work) I will not stop myself after 10 minutes, and then reward myself after to replace the supposed "craving" that stopping should develop (here I'm applying the Reward aspect of habit formation according to James Clear). If the action is just for me, then I will stop.

2. This part is more crucial for me - the flip side! These days I am actually never bored. As an introvert, I enjoy time at home far too much and can find myself drawing, playing guitar, cleaning, cooking, eating, playing games, or watching videos, or reading the news, or watching videos about games, or listening to news playing in the background while playing, or eating while watching something, or reading something while listening to something (which I keep pausing because I keep missing things, obviously - I do these on autopilot so most of them are very dumb things to do) or playing a game while playing Info Videos about the same game in the background so I don't know if I'm actually being hit by Zombies or it's just the video in the background so I go on split-screen mode and the computer gets fried and spazzes out and lags just when an actual Zombie is around.

Wasn't that super aggravating to read? That's what my brain is like every day these days. So as I was SAYINGGGG, the second tweak is that when a craving for a net-negative* action arises, I will tell myself "I will do it AFTER ten minutes" and do something relatively more useful for ten minutes. (*net-negative because I don't feel like any of these enjoyable activities are inherently negative! They are just easy to do in excess~ which makes them ultimately nega)

3. I will not use a timer, because knowing myself, the hassle will prevent me from trying at all. I have a huge clock in my tiny apartment, and a clock on my screens. And two watches I can see. Dassit.

Now it will actually not be so easy to decipher if a craving is pushing me to do a negative action when it arises all the time, so it helps to list down which things I consider to be possibly damaging for the rest of the day:

1. Gaming
2. YouTube (unless it's for a particular specific purpose and not entertainment)
3. Snacks (unless I'm really actually hungry)
4. Scrolling through any social media feed.

I can replace them with positive or neutral tasks:

1. Cleaning
2. Drawing
3. Writing
4. Exercising
5. Anything Creative Really

So I will update you tomorrow! Ok Go

Merry Memories (Broke on Christmas? Here are free gifts that keep on giving.)

I used to be super excited about Christmas every year. To me, there was nothing quite like that old-school, no-school, cool breeze, christmas lights, crushing on someone in church feeling (haha). A time to get patted on the back for making food even if it's just potato salad and jello, or other very inconvenient holiday recipes that only a couple of your brothers try with you, like cold hot chocolate, pumpkin spice latte, or a ridiculous amount of fudge. Just fudge... not even put on top of anything. Just out of a microwavable container. Why not. (Yikes, young me.)

But there was also that feverish excitement that I look back on now with a sort of muted horror. The "Department Store Christmas" type of excitement. A heady feeling when going down a street of shops that are lit with a string of fairy lights, speakers blaring with increasingly annoying Christmas songs. Okay, even until now, the Christmas lights, I still get it... They're just undeniably pretty to me. But just like that desire to eat fudge out of a tub, I remember having an unhealthy excessive relationship with spending money on a bunch of small things to "give to people" around the holidays. And I remember all the gifts that I receive, how I genuinely feel nice when I receive them because someone thought of me, but then... Never actually really use. Then I wonder how many of the gifts I give other people they actually use, and when they do, only keep out of guilt.

Ok. Whoever is reading this, if I have given you something in the past that you're only keeping because I gave it to you... PLEASE GET RID OF IT! Give it away! Throw it (responsibly) ! Sell it if it's even possible, I don't want you to keep it just because I might look for it. I won't! It's ok! I don't remember it anymore!)

Every Christmas, a bunch of people buy a bunch of stuff for a bunch of other people, and people just keep accumulating more and more things! But most people don't need more things!!! What does that tell you?! I'm getting sweaty just thinking about it. And I just took a bath!

So here are a few thoughts, and please read my disclaimer at the end:

1. What if instead of spending money, we learned how to really spend time with people in our life? Do we still know how to have a real conversation? Our phones make it easy to be around people without really being with them. We take some people in our life for granted because they're "always around", that one day, we realize we have no ideas about their aspirations, struggles, what they like, what they are like, how they feel about certain things. We can spend years living with people and not really know them at all. Do something with someone, have a nice talk about something interesting to the both of you.

2. What if instead of paying big bills for fancy dinners, we learned how to pay attention? To truly notice when someone does something for us, when someone makes an effort in their outfit or their home. When someone looks sad, or even happy, to ask them to tell you the story behind why. To really listen when the story is told, not just as a chance to give an opinion, but to take the opportunity to get to know someone better, and then maybe to share some part of yourself as well. This is the kind of gift that will still matter no matter how many Christmases pass.

3. What if instead of giving a bunch of last-minute, barely thought-out gifts, we learned how to better give thanks? Think of the people who have always been there, show them your appreciation. Getting appreciation is one of those timeless gifts that stand the test of time. People might take it for granted that others know they're doing a good job. But sometimes it needs to be said. A nice thank you note with a little drawing might probably be kept longer than a random shiny thing you find in a department store. And it would cost less, too.

When we try to rethink the holidays this way, instead of collecting things, we collect memories. When I write down my Gratitude Log for the day, it is rare for me to write about a material thing. Because at the end of the day, the materials don't matter as much as the experience. And even when they do, it's the experience of them that stays with you.

To summarize here's a Hallmark-y doodlydoo I made with PicMonkey because I felt clever at 12am last night :

Trololol.

Things weigh you down, and they rot, and they accumulate, then you need to get rid of them, and you'll always want more. Memories can be kept with you, they take no physical space. They don't need a box or a bag that ends up in a landfill or eaten by some poor turtle in the ocean that will haunt your feed one day. Feeling connected with others is often free, and is a lasting gift.

But ON THAT NOTE, I am also compiling a list of gifting guidelines for myself that feel more "aligned" to post-department store Christmas me. Again I might post it here, who knowwwwssss?

Pay attention to my posts to find out. Haha.

disclaimer: if things are toxic at home or in family gatherings, it is not your responsibility to power through interactions that leave you in pain if people in your life are not checking themselves or are being intentionally hurtful. If people are toxic you are absolutely allowed to cope with a device and try to get by with just minimal civil interaction. Take care of yourself! 

Goals (When You're Exceptionally Bad at Keeping Them)

You know what, I try to be a very decent human being. I try to be nice, kind, helpful. But when it comes to following through with my own plans, I'm completely the most terrible person in the world. If there ever was a Bad Place like in the TV show The Good Place, that's what I'd go to the Bad Place for. Disobeying myself, when I only had my best interest in mind. (Mama, if you're reading this, don't feel too bad. It wasn't just you when I was growing up. I never listen to myself either.)

I'm a huge fan of planners, planning systems, goal setting strategies, spreadsheets, totally interested in setting goals. Yes. A hobby I've loved since 2007 when I went to college and used my very first planner. Setting goals? Sign me right up and I'll even sticker-bomb the borders. But actually doing what's on the list? Bye.

This JanJan Comics character is me, 100%:

"I've listed all the things that need to be done."
"I don't want to do them anymore."
Facebook: JanJan Comics

I've tried different ways to keep myself motivated. I've tried setting Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic/Relevant, Time-Bound Goals. Tried. Now that I'm older and wiser *cough*, I realise that I was built to be kind of very incompatible with this model, personality-wise. The way I think is not solid at all, it's more like water. It molds itself to whatever the vessel is, and with no vessel, it seeps through cracks, and spreads everywhere, getting everything wet, until my goal metastasizes into a bunch of things that are all it, but not really it at all. So Specific and Measurable is out of the question. Attainable and Realistic/Relevant? I question myself far too much to trust my justifications about anything when I write the goals, and always end up challenging my past self. Reality kind of keeps changing depending on my mood, and Time-Bound.... Well. I've spent the last 15 years of my life pushing deadlines and I've become too desentisized. My feeling of time is so warped and needs a lot of help, even now.

So like any self-respecting, aging maturing human would do, I stopped trying to act like my personality is super fluid and flexible funky fresh, and accepted that, partly, the fluidity of my personality itself is the fixed part of my personality that is too set in stone, that I need to revise. What a paradox.

I started accepting that things need to be simpler, much much simpler, for me to even remember them. So I changed my style completely and brought things down to just the essentials. Instead of a long list of specific goals every year that I always end up looking at and feeling badly about, I write attitudes that need to be changed in me (those were always easier for me to do weirdly enough), usually healthier ways to relate to stress. Hehe. As an anxious person, this has helped me a lot.

Then I just started using my planner to remind myself of things that absolutely need to be done, instead of peppering it with a bunch of aspirational stuff like "write a... song..?"... It helps a lot that I have a day job and really have things to put into my calendar. It helps a lot to just simply be able to tick boxes.

I've also known for a while that when motivation does fly by for whatever reason, you need to hop right on that elusive beast and hold on for dear life. So I've always been waiting...

Though sometimes, inspiration or motivation is so distracting and possessing that it's hard to stay accountable with any written goal

Sometimes, it's a near-death experience, sometimes, even scraping your knee (happened to me one time. I was SO motivated for the next few months), and sometimes it's just a new year coming by.

This year end is particularly significant to me. We are having our wedding on the first day of the year, (more on that in a separate post, maybe) and it's the beginning of a new decade. Objectively, that doesn't mean anything, but there are just things like that that I choose to ascribe meaning to, for the sake of fun and a semblance of "meaningfulness" in life.

While getting ready one day, I came across this video from Lavendaire, and a certain magical set of different conditions (the fact that I had just had coffee and L-theanine, it was the end of the month and it was time to start December on my planner, etc etc etc) just did the thing  for me, and I felt the dragon coming towards my way. So I HOPPED ON OBVIOUSLY

Again, it took a very particular set of conditions, and it was really mostly luck. But I was inspired enough to make brand-new-spanking goals, and for the FIRST TIME in a LONG TIME, they actually feel tailored to me. They are "S-M-A-R-T" yet fit my personality.

If you're as bad at accomplishing goals as I am, Lavendaire has a bunch of very helpful tips in the video I linked. But basically, here are the ones that helped me the most, or at least my interpretation of them:

1. Start Small: Attainable and Realistic shouldn't mean "technically possible" to you, if you're like me at all. it should mean "I'm likely going to be able to push myself to do that, the way I am now, even under bad conditions"... Therefore, instead of saying "I'll do 10 pushups every morning" I'm starting with "I'm going to move every morning, even if it's just stretching. I'll do what feels good." That may seem too small, but it's still an improvement from what I normally do. Build a ladder. Don't attempt to do parkour if you're not the type.

2. Build Momentum: The small mini-goals shouldn't be random. R means Relevant or Realistic, not Random. Even though they're small, they should be the mini-version of what you eventually want to do. In my case, my big goal is "to have discipline, consistency, and accountability" because all the things I've been trying to chase and failing to all this time, namely mental and physical health, a calmer disposition, being able to start and finish passion projects, all hinge on the premise that I would be able to keep doing things I set out to do, and build habits that I am able to sustain often, if not daily.

3. Chunk Actions Together: Chunking is a memory technique where you put stuff together with a thing you know you'll remember or something you'll do anyway. Like putting your inhaler next to your car keys because you know you can't leave without your keys.

Planning the actions to meet my goals has always been my biggest goal-setting roadblock. I'm too impulsive and my days are too unstructured, even with a job, that I find it hard to put action items within the day and follow them. This time around, the idea of a "Morning Routine" had been on the front of my mind because it's so trendy in the self-improvement world, and I thought, what better way to chunk things together than to put all my small goals together in the morning? I've been needing motivation to get off the bed when I wake up anyway. So this makes it Attainable and Realistic to me. And if I get a task done at the start of the day, I start off every day feeling accomplished. This also gives it a Time-Bound element.

4. Tracking: I've NEVER.. And I repeat,  N E V E R been able to track anything successfully in my life. Not once have I ever filled out a monthly tracker in my Bullet Journal, and I know I'll probably miss some days on the current one I started. But to me, tracking doesn't have to be a physical, complete record of my actions (especially because that's going too far into the edge of my Attainable zone). Tracking to me is just a way to keep myself accountable, and to me, a visual prompt, as long as I can easily see it when I need to, can do it.

So out of cardboard, I created a list of my simple Morning Routine that I made that ticks all the small habits that I want to build up on. Every morning, I can look at this to track if I'm done for the morning, before heading out.

I might write about this on a separate post, too. Again, Maaaybee

Now I've been somewhat successful so far .but I have yet to see what happens once I come back to regular work days. My goals are very small, yes. It may look like I'm going too easy on myself, but really. I've been at the other end of it when I let momentary ambitiousness or impatience of past-me's set booby traps for lazy present-me to fall into.

What's important to me is that the changes last. Because I've made it clear to myself that my goal is to build habits, and an attitude that is more consistent and accountable with things. The intensity of the habits are not what's important for now. It's building the muscles that I'll need to eventually accomplish my goals. That's the plan, anyway.

I'm hoping to remember to update this space after a couple of weeks to see if I get to keep at this, or if I revise anything. Right now I feel like coming back here to write about these changes I'm trying out. But I'm trying to go easy on adding more goals to fail at. So I won't add this to my list, and just hope I remember anyway, and find time to write. That way, it's like a bonus. Hehe. (I could also chunk it with my journalling habit, who knowss)

See you again soon, Maybe!

Starting Where You Are

There are many ways to do the right things. Many means to go about accomplishing a certain end. When we seek for help in accomplishing our goals, or in creating a more favorable situation for ourselves, we are faced with a million choices when it comes to  H O W  T O  G E T  T H E R E.

"There" usually being:

• better health
• better living situation
• a more fulfilling career path

Et cetera. There could be a thousand versions of even this list if we're being honest, but here let's just call them General Things to be Better at. That doesn't really work. How about Betterment Goals. I don't like how that sounds either. But this illustrates my point. Words can fail. 

The main focus of whatever journey you take on in getting yourself somewhere better in life, in whatever form "Being Better" would manifest in your imagination, should be 

W H E R E V E R  Y O U  A R E.

 R I G H T  H E R E

R I G H T  N O W.

And this is why many self-betterment guides would start with you listing your own answers to their questions. And yes, I am not here to discount you searching for those guides. In fact, depending on your personality, it might be better to look for more than one "guru" or whatever you want to call it, so that you can curate whatever resonates in your life in particular from many different sources, and make the roadmap you eventually follow your very own.

We like learning from others because we like information already processed and laid out for us to take in. This is easier than having to start from scratch, scrambling to find crumbs that will lead us to the bread, trying to find all the ingredients on our own. This is why we have grocery stores. I think I need to eat soon. I'm getting a little sidetracked.

Anyway, this is not a bad thing. This really does help. What I want to emphasize though, is that we should not be so naive and think that betterment ends in that learning. We take many things in. We make it our own. We share how we made it our own. Maybe more people will find it resonate better. They will take some of it in, just like how we took from others. Then they will make it their own.

Words do not contain the entirety of meaning. Other people can not provide the secrets to your success. Something has to come from you.

And yes, a lot of it relies on luck. But your luck improves when you improve your striving in finding these answers.

So, let me ask you a bunch of questions:

1. Outlook: Do you think you have a positive one? When you think about your day upon waking up in the morning, how do you feel? What causes anxiety in you? What causes joy? Do you notice yourself feeling one more often than the other? Why do you think so? Are you okay with that? (Like I wake up meh most mornings, but I'm cool with it. I think it's just how I am and it's fine) And if you're not, is there anything within your power that you can change?
2. The Good: What's already working out? This is important. What do you like that you don't really want to change in yourself, your living situation, your habits? You don't have to change everything. Maybe you don't even have to change very much. Honestly you don't even have to change at all. Let's be real. Your life your rules.
3. The Bad: But if there are things that aren't working out, maybe take some time to look at them. There are things that don't work out that are too uncomfortable to even acknowledge so we fail to realize that there's something there that we can actually control. But then there are things that we feel we have no power over. For those things, is it possible to tell someone? "Misery loves company" and this isn't just a sadistic urge that humans have for no reason. When we find others with the same problems, we are able to pick each other's brains about possible solutions. There's another one, "Two heads are better than one". Maybe there's something you're not seeing that someone's who's gone through the same thing knows about. That was a long painful sentence to read and I apologize.
4. The Ugly: Let me just talk about that word, Ugly. It has a bad rep. But I love it. I'm part of the niche crowd that uses it with a sense of endearment. Much of my hang-ups in life, I solved by changing my relationship with Ugly. More than my sense of self-worth ceasing to depend on my outward appearance, I see ugly as a sign of progress. Ugly is something that's on its way towards becoming. It's finding one's way. It's not incomplete, it's just in the process, and that's what life is. It's only complete when it ends. And So I Therefore Conclude: Ugliness and Beauty is like Life and Death. Polar opposites that are unalienable from each other. Just like.. well, poles. 

          So. In your life, what's being completed? What's in the middle of the process; something you started but haven't finished? Something you like but isn't "quite there yet"? And maybe, how do we look at it differently? As you being a Real Live Person, in the middle of figuring things out?

So there are questions for today. Maybe we ask them every now and then. This can be a model we use everyday when we meditate in the morning, or this could be just a one time thing. It's a dish I've made from ingredients I've taken from different sources that I have now served to you. Maybe you take something out from it, or maybe you just eat and run, and burn off all of the energy. But that's your process. Make it yours. As for me, I'm done with this one, and hoping to make more in the future.

Now, lunch.

it's not about me. it's not about you.

in this production that is life, where we make scripts out of ideas and perform our humanity by sharing ourselves and our work, some of us will choose to be on camera, to be under the spotlight, to be the ones on the stage.

some will choose to stay backstage, behind the camera, working their magic from behind the shadows: their work doesn't have their faces on them, and we critique their work without making it personal.

but a lot more of us will choose to be part of the audience.

the audience plays a crucial part in any performance - we are the ones with enough distance from the productions to be able to objectively critique them. we are not operating on the survival mode level of "the show must go on" and are able to keep our wits about us. sometimes too much wit, that we forget to empathize with the performers in their heavy costumes under the hot spotlight.

we are the lucky ones able to just sit down and digest whatever's offered, and to place judgement. we don't feel the frantic energy behind the production that might make our opinions about inauthentic props and bad makeup feel very petty and unjust.

oftentimes, we forget that this is a privilege we receive by taking on this more passive role.

when you are onstage, people can hear you more, but you are also given fewer chances to be wrong. each failure, each misstep, can taint your name and even remove you from the stage, if it gets too bad.

we are all people, when stripped of our roles: we have preconceived notions, biases, unkind thoughts, misdirected emotions...

but when we only operate in the realm of ideas, and not so much in the realm of action, we are safe to think wrongly of things at first. our silence becomes a safety net for peoples' perception of us. we can try again, change ourselves, and choose to just show up when we're better. someday...

as i get older, i try harder to remember this, and to remind myself to look at everyone, whether they be actors in the spotlight, crew members behind the scaffolds, or vocal audience members, as parts of one whole. it is this one whole, this production, that needs to be critiqued. to be improved upon.

what is it to be human? what are we imparting to this world? where are we going?

i see no harm in criticizing points of view, in fact, it's crucial. but i find it important to remember that it's not about individual vendettas, that everyone comes from some place when forming their ideas about the world. it's all about trying to tip the scale, not writing someone off because they had a bad day, chose the wrong word once, or had a fuzzy brain day, like i'm having today as i write this.

(but of course, there will be those who will repeatedly resist any efforts people around them to put them on track, those who probably need some time off and take some time alone. i am not talking about those people. sometimes some people just need to SIT. DDOOWWWNN for a bit.)

i keep getting creative blocks whenever i get new ideas. i can never put anything forward because i fear being criticized in this way. i find the warm safety of my silence to be nice and familiar for little old low-impact me.

but i'm thinking that maybe if i am able to offer myself this same kindness, it wouldn't be so bad. i will just have to ignore the little nonconstructive audience member voices in my head, and accept that when you're ~in there~, you will be imperfect, you will make mistakes, but you will exercise the muscle of being out there, and little glimpses of what's right will eventually outshine the parts that are wrong, or awkward, or poorly done.

so, here's to me having to write sentences without capitalization because it ruins my flow and i'd rather write ugly than not write at all.

here's to me probably having a few typos or grammatical errors in here somewhere that i probably won't see until someone points it out because i don't want to risk not wanting to post this at all by reading back too many times (please do tell me if you find any! i'd appreciate it.)

here's to making mistakes on stage, in front, out loud, on camera, here's to exposing myself and to accepting that sometimes, audience members can forget to be kind, but that i don't have to be unkind to myself too.

here's to deciding to fill in one role fully instead of mentally splitting myself into all roles at all times, running the risk never getting anything done as a result.

here's to less of me, and more of what i want to bring forward.

here's to less of you, and more of our interaction and its effects.

here's to the production we are creating together.

may we be both grittier yet kinder somehow.

Emotional Minimalism

What if you could declutter your feelings?

What if you could look over the stock of emotional reactions you keep around, decide which ones to keep, and which ones aren't serving you anymore, and let them go?

Sure you can't toss people out in your life, there will always be bad apples in your circles, maybe even your family, but what if you can toss out the guilt, shame, undeserved care, or any other feeling associated with them that doesn't do anyone any good?

What if you can free yourself from the insecurity of not being as good as you want to be, and make some space to stock up on feeling excited about how much you can improve instead? After all, minimalism isn't about merely having less, but rather having what is essential, and forgoing everything else.

What if you could accept and recognize the effect of toxic people on you and decide not to feel obliged to impress them, and allow yourself to keep a civil, safe distance?

The thing is, you can. Sure, it's not an exact analogy: there is no before-and-after picture you can take, and it cannot be done over one long holiday. Emotions are habits, not things, and saying they're easy to quit is like saying beating addiction is as simple as just not buying cigarettes anymore.

Most days it would feel like giving away old clothes, only to find them back in your closet the next day. Emotions are clothes, if clothes were alive and could crawl.

Emotional decluttering feels more like training a muscle. You'll have to do it regularly, but there will always be an improvement, and it should only get easier over time.

And the way to start is to stop and decide to be aware of what you have in there in the first place. A lot of objectivity, a listening ear from a friend, maybe even a bit of journalling, but the most important thing is to choose to be aware of how you feel from now on.

Know that your emotions don't have to BE you. You don't have to let the monstrous black tides that wash over you pull you away into an endless sea of hopelessness or anger. You are more like a shelf, and emotions are the books you put into it. And sure, the longer you keep some books in there, the more they're going to look like they're part of that shelf, and the shelf won't ever be the same without them. That's all fine and good if you're keeping good classics in there that remind you of how to strive in life, and how to create and keep joy. How to love, or feel grateful, so sure keep those. But if they're shitty novels or gossip rags, would the shelf never being the same be such a bad thing?

It's hard, and it will take time. But it's a choice you can always make.

And again, Minimalism is not about having the least possible amount, but about having less of what you don't need, and more of what is essential. So perhaps, replacing the bad with the good will do you more favors than just trying to create a void and resisting the icky feelings when they come. Build the habit of hopping onto a happier train of thought instead of boring a hole into an awkward memory of a moment that you can't change.

There is loads of good advice out there about the hows of it all, but the most important part is to remind yourself that it's an option. There is a different way to live. There is a way to think kinder, that is, thinking in a way that is kinder to yourself, and this will allow you to also be kinder to others.

Since we're welcoming a new year soon, perhaps it would be a good time to start.

Tricycle Therapy aka Dealing with my Demons in the Dark

Coming home today I had a nice talk with Beardy. It was one of those talks where what you say just unfolds by itself, sort of a live epiphany in front of a one-man audience.

It helped that we were in the dark, in a cramped tricycle, loud motor running, me buzzed from sitting all day making* art. I felt like bursting, and was in a safe space to do so.

I told him about how I think I've been avoiding being "seen" for a long time, because I wasn't comfortable with myself.

Being "seen" as in leaving any sort of impression. At first I claimed that I didn't want to leave any strong impression on anyone, and so I feel scared when people seem to get a whiff of my critical/agit side (I attempt to mask this by showing my kooky/awkward side so people know I don't bite) but I suddenly realised that I was trying to not make ANY impression at all.

Thus I had an aversion to speaking my mind without being asked (by name, not as part of a crowd), or to volunteer for things, or to make friends with people I liked or admired.

But recent developments had made it so that I've been spending more time with those people, and so it's becoming very unlikely for them to not have any impression of me. And so this provided a stark contrast from how things were just a year ago, which made the reasons, I guess, bubble up to the surface.

let's provide a visual! the oil = deep seated issues. they were stuck to the bottom when i was socially empty and friends = water!! 

It's because I have an ideal self, and I know I'm far from being her as of yet.

My ideal self would be kind enough to speak her mind, ask questions when in doubt of what someone says, but sound calm and reassuring enough that the person wouldn't feel attacked. But that takes a lot of nerve. It takes a very calm person. And I'm typically a very nervy person.

I get too nervous when speaking up around people because I'm overly either sensitive or imaginative about what they would think or how they'd feel of/about what I say.

It's kind of funny to realise this now, at a point in my life where I've supposedly very decidedly stopped caring what other people think about me. But now I realise that that only goes as far as my appearance. I don't care about being ugly, fat, or hairy. But I do care about being kind.

Beardy reassured me that it's already a lot for me to be so ambitious about being a better person, instead of being too happy about who I already am. I told him I admired him and others, who felt comfortable to be seen as who they are. Comfortable about people knowing their impatience, pickiness, all of their glorious idiosyncrasies, but he said he admired that I'm aware of mine and would like to improve upon them instead of settling.

I'm realising that perhaps I've reached the point of no return. There are things to be worked on that could only be worked on under the lamplight of the company of other people. I may feel like I got it together when I'm alone or unstimulated, when my mental, emotional and physical energies are untapped and thus feel abundant. I did feel like I was searching for a "flowier" state of being, rather than the safe and stagnant shell I felt I was in. Maybe I'm here now. Maybe this is how it will feel for a while.

I will feel more watched, my palms and feet will be sweaty, but I'd be learning and relating to other people more, at an exponential rate. I will feel misunderstood, I will feel scared about perhaps having said the wrong thing, but this way, I'd be able to reach and help more people, with whatever I'm called out to do. I'd be nervous because I care, and uncomfortable like I'm in a tricycle.

And maybe sometimes, that's the kindest thing to be.



 (*term used loosely: our mentor tells it's just copying because the composition is directed) 

💫2016: slow, subtle, steady af.✨ (my 2016 year review using pages from The Giving Journal)

Now, I know, I know... When it comes to the state of the world, "slow, subtle, steady af" is nowhere near applicable for describing the year that was. It was a rough ride. But looking at it through a more personal, introspective set of eyes, that was how my personal development in life was like this past year.
I used a CBTL Giving Journal in 2016 and it had these cutesy pages that I had fun filling out, and now that it's 2017 I'm using them to get a feel of my progress, to remember where I was at at the start:

Late in 2015, subject to numerous tiring bus rides, I had a lot of time to think of a way to picture how I wanted 2016 to go. What steps I wanted to take. That was when I got the inspiration to imagine my life as a flower:

I imagined:

1. that in the first quarter, I'd be preparing a good foundation for myself through good health and a saner state of mind (the roots of the plant, but i called it seeds for the sake of the pattern -.-).
2. In the second quarter, I'd be aiming for better structure, and an upwards movement kinda feel through a stable job and habits that I hoped would be automated thereafter (stalks),
3. the third quarter was going to be when my efforts in making regular output were going to be refined and focused into the channels where I'd find myself gravitating more towards, so that
4. in the fourth quarter, after concentrating my energy on those, I'd acquire the blooms, or in other words, I was going to have everything I do "pay off" in the end.

Of course that didn't go exactly as planned. I unexpectedly found a real life job I actually liked going to, and so that occupied me. That being said, I still managed to make it halfway through the flower thing. I felt healthier because I was more active and slept better, my work makes me feel involved and improved me in aspects I wanted to improve on. I was just really ready for feeling rooted and stable, I guess. But in my opinion, I didn't get to do much of gearing towards personal projects, and I think that's vital for me to feel truly balanced.

BUT if I may, past Bea, there's something I'd like to change in that whole flowchart/metaphor thingy you got there:

I think the fourth one was a bit too focused on receiving things, like I needed success to be guaranteed. Blooms shouldn't be about things that are not in my hands, methinks. It should just be about me being able to look back into what I worked on and feel like I finished things I started. But I still like the part where I say something to the effect of "to know how to introduce myself to strangers." I think blooming should also be about getting a better sense of my identity through things I've done, so that's staying.

So I only made it to the halfway point of the marathon, but I'm still much better off from where I'm started, so I'm really happy! Aim for the stars, make it to the moon, I guess.

That being said, "my 2016 life mantra" in the CBTL Giving Journal guided me quite well:

I grew in so much ease (I guess it pays off to take things slow), much more ease than I thought was possible. And indeed, it was through being kinder to myself (and others - tension arises when we assume the worst of people who hurt us, and love blooms when we give them a chance)...

So! Good improvements:

• I've been taking on more things than I'm used to for work, and I'm staying afloat! It's done my confidence a lot of good. I used to think I had no perseverance. But I'm learning that I just need people around me sometimes, and that accountability works on me.
• Managing that by finally, finally being able to naturally apply the "one thing at a time" thing that I've always been trying to learn how to do (I say this time and time again - it's one thing to know something, and another thing to apply. Think of that the next time you nag someone or yourself.). I can actually stop worrying once I decide that it's not time for it yet; such a big relief!
• Being more open about my flaws, being able to dissect my own behaviour and change. A lot of people are good at seeing other people's flaws, but it takes a certain level of perseverance to see your own flaws and not be defensive about them. I've always admired people who can do that and in turn create wonderful things with that self-awareness, and I feel like I'm slowly getting there. Makes me happy. (And relieved!) It also allows me to get closer to people easier.
• I'm getting a little better at hushing that negative voice in my brain! Sure, I look crazy at times because sometimes I tell it to stop out loud, but hey, whatever works, right?
• I sleep at night and wake up in the morning regularly now. It's kind of a huge deal.
• I can moderately extrovert a bit more than before. Still wrecks me with anxiety from time to time, especially when I have a lot on my plate, but I'm managing!

And here are the things that need improvement:

• WRITE THINGS DOWN AND DON'T LOSE THEM AND ACTUALLY READ THEM AGAIN PLEASE?! So many missed opportunities for blog posts and fiction and whatnot.
• Speaking my mind about a risky thing without getting scared/shaking/feeling like my throat is full of ice
• Working on personal projects for real this time outside of work
• More balance between trusting myself and honing the mindset that allows me to feel accountable enough to meet that trust
• I'd also like if there was less automatic negative self-talk to hush in the first place
• More physical activity!!!

Goodbye, 2016. Was nice knowing you!

Schooled!: Things of Note

Just giving you a peek of what life has been like at work:

Right before classes started, the teachers had a nice little art workshop together. I took home a few cards from a watercolor exercise and used it to cover my work notebook, where I jot down random things. The school hosts many talks, workshops, even yoga classes, mostly for free. This is something very striking that I found about my new place of work. It's a school that values the personal development (and well-being) of the teachers just as much as it does for the students, and that's saying a lot, because I find that it cares much, much more about the kids than most schools I've come across in my life.

Birthdays are a big thing in Kindergarten. Here is the very first birthday wreath I've ever made, for a four-year-old. I try to pattern them according to the celebrant's age.

Hi Mom (one hand set-up ftw \m/ i'm holding the ball in my elbow-pit)

Aside from ~homemakin~, Kindergarten in my school requires a lottt of crafting! 

*palpability of excitement is OVER 9000*

We make toys for open-ended play, decorative crafts, puppets and props for story time, etc! I'm learning the very basics of crochet and knitting for now, but one night I was feeling ambitious and took on a SNOWFLAKE!

wet + stretch technique for taut and alive isnofleks

It was a success, but of course I don't remember how to do it anymore. I can only do it while watching the video. huahuahua. (Which I wanna do soon because CHRISTMAS!)

I also made a very simple (and admittedly very cartoony) but cute monkey for a puppet show we had recently and that was super rewarding:

Ooh-ooh, Ahh-ahh..ng cuute!

I may have always thought of myself as someone who was crafty and creative or whatever, but it's dawned on me often that although I have many creative ideas, I rarely am able to finish actual work, and this job really allows me to practice more, because somehow, being tasked to finish work, or to create output puts less pressure on making the work perfect, because it's less ~personal~, and it just needs to fit certain requirements that are specified. And in turn, being used to making more work also makes even the more personal work easier, because I'm already in the practice of Doing rather than Overthinking. It's really nice.

But aside from finish-able projects, there is also plenty of room for free playing, and not just for the kids! I also find myself playing around a lot more, and getting back in touch with what doing things for fun is like. Often in my adult life, I've found myself stuck in having to make everything I create mean something, or serve a purpose. There wasn't much free energy flowing outward from me, and I feel like it coagulated somehow and corked my energy in, even when I actually needed it. But my job somehow unstuck me from that somewhat! It put the focus out of my head and into my hands. It strengthens what I believe they refer to as my "Will".

None Some of Your Beeswax

Some of free-playing can be very soothing. There's an activity that our main teacher uses to calm the kids down if we have time before Story Time - everyone gets a ball of beeswax and just molds it into whatever. Beeswax, if you don't already know, isn't exactly as soft as play-dough. You have to be both slower and but more deliberate with it. It's done to make the kid's fingers stronger and to sort of herd their energies inwards rather than outwards. It helps them sit down and focus.

ma lidol ocdapus

The toys in the classroom are mostly wood, rope, cloth, and metal. Raaaaaaaaaarely plastic, and little paint. It makes the children's play-world less bright and deafening. The textures are tame and more like nature. And dolls are used to encourage empathy and gentleness.

The kids love tying things together with rope, building structures like houses, shops, and cars. Big ones, with chairs and some wooden skeletal components, often using colorful cloth for walls and roofs (more like pretty canopies). One time we even found them with an island kitchen layout, while one of the girls recreated my story table of The Three Little Pigs, and performed it super well, too! We thought it was reminiscent of our school café!

Early in the mornings, they only play with the "small toys" and during that time, they learn how to share, to borrow, to negotiate with train cars, train tracks, blocks, et cetera (with varying results). I think social manners are so important to establish early on for balanced and confident people (being someone who was super awkward and shy for most of my life), and it's really nice that the school puts that forward. Here is a "car parking building" the kids made next to a train track:

I'm really happy to find myself in a job where I really feel like I'm helping people. And on a more selfish level, a job where I'm not encouraged to put the job before my sanity or health, and where in fact I am encouraged to take care of those things. I remember being told during my interview that I "need to sleep enough for this job"... I came from a call center, so hearing that was as touching as it was confusing for me. They actually care about you (?!!?!?), not just what you can do for them.

I'm putting this picture of our daily fruit box because it's cute. And because I love that they encourage children to love fruit.

The school really feels like a community to me, and I didn't expect it to come to us this way, but that's exactly what Beardy and I wanted to have just a year ago, aside from a place of our own. We wanted to find our own community, with people who were a little more like us. 

This picture is special to me, I made vegan patties, lemonade, and a vegetarian potato salad for a birthday I co-prepped with my co-assistant teacher!! ♥

I'm glad that it's happening to a certain extent, and I just hope it gets even better from here. 

When Inspiration Gets... Scary.

A lot of the time when I get artist's blocks, I would offhandedly claim that I lack inspiration. "I need to get inspired!" I would think to myself, often writing "Get inspired!" on my daily checklists as a reminder to not wait for it to come and go looking for it instead.

But lately I've been noticing something happen a lot.. Something very curious and unexpected. I find myself being very inspired very often... And it doesn't make me feel better.

Instead it makes me feel scared, overwhelmed, and instead of adding clarity to the mess of bobbing ideas in my dirty bathtub of a mind it feels as if it just adds more noisy rubber duckies in the mix, squeaking, squawking, demanding my attention.

Listing ideas usually help, even if only to calm the anxiety symptoms these moments cause. Enabling me to try and lure the rubber duckies to form a straight line so I can deal with them one by one. (Sorry, I'm a little stuck in my rubber duckie metaphor.)

So I've had a change in priorities. Now I'm more about learning how to compile ideas that come up and being able to organize them in such a way that I can understand in the future. But the most important part that I'm dealing with is the one in which I have the most trouble with - following through. 

I'm trying to train my mind into finding it natural to actually work on things which feels sooo different from the imagining part. Coming up with ideas is something I'm alright at, it feels easy and natural, I can plan extensively in my head, come up with ways to do things... But once I need to execute, I'm like, wat is dis.

i actually just made this in memegenerator high five

Inspiration is useless if no work is created. It's merely a first step. Still, it's a thing that I lacked that I'm glad to have found. It's a step up. A box checked off. And that's what I want all of this to be about - not being perfect, just being better all the time.

What eases me to think about is the thought that I'm not failing anyone else as much as I'm failing myself.

Just kidding, that doesn't really comfort me much.

But it shifts my feelings of having to appear alright to wanting to just be alright. To allow myself to be in the thick of the struggle, to get my hands dirty, get embarassed, fail, be rejected, and hopefully after everything, learn things I can use as I go along.

So yeah. That's where I am right now.

Knowing my faults is key.

Post-Romantic Love Conquest: The Dreamiest Life

Valentine's Day amiright?? All the love-themed memeing has got me thinking and reflecting about love in my own life, and what my love "conquest" is going to be now that I'm A-OK in the romantic love aspect.

A lot of us grow up thinking that we are to search life looking for that other person to complete us, and V-day is supposedly about that kind of love. Recently though, I find that people are more sensible about it being a commercial holiday and have decided to own it instead and put their own spin: it's morphed to become a holiday that's about just love itself, and we express it to people who are important to us, not necessarily just our lovers or crushes. Our friends, parents, siblings, even our pets! Personally, I've been spending the past Valentine's Days with either my friends or my family. And now that Emmy and I are actually together on Valentine's Day for the first time?...

 We both spent it with my family. Haha!



I got to try Umenoya for the first time - it's located in the Microtel by Windham hotel that Emmy's family stayed in two Christmasses ago (woah! I almost said "last Christmas", how fast time flies!) Only my mom has tried it before in my family.

I had a Nigiri set meal as usual, and I find this place to be REALLY GOOD. The fish was fresh. The Uni was clean on the palette and service was nice. My mom opted for a private seating room - the kind where you can put your feet down into the floor - not sure what the terminology is! It has interesting decor, but it's muted compared to Ryuma, which is more kitsch. It was more relaxing and intimate. And the prices are lower, at least for the meal I got.

Emmy and I got a picture taken at the entrance - this was where we dropped his family off after New Year's Eve - it was very bittersweet for me. 

The day after Valentine's, we remembered that we had downloaded Sense and Sensibility in January so that it could be our special V-day movie. We figured it was never too late, and since our Mondays are free for now we had a nice Film/Show watching day complete with Mcdo and the long-awaited V-day Bob's Burgers episode.

Today though, I decided to openly ponder, through writing, about my current love conquest. And that is the search for my own ideal life. I want to take a few moments to fangirl over not my dream boy or girl, but my dream life... Aaaaaah.

And because most of pondering occurs in lists, let me list down the aspects of this dream life in bullet points!

• I want a creative life - It seems like it should be obvious that a creative person automatically will have a creative life, but as I grow older it takes more effort to seek creative activities actively. I want to spend more time deliberately painting, drawing, crafting, generally working with my eyes and hands, alone or with friends! My best friends and I have been discussing activities that can make this happen in a communal kinda way, because everything good is better when shared.
• I want to get back with music, and to stay together with it - because it's been hard for me to write songs lately, I've stepped back from singing and playing at all, and that's super strange! Especially since, like I told Emmy a few weeks ago, music used to be what I identified with when I was younger. When I self-identified, I would say "I'm a singer and a songwriter". And for years now, that hasn't been true, and it feels very bizarre and surreal how far away I feel from that person now. I know people change, and if I've naturally moved on as a person to something else then I'd be fine with that, but recently I've been itching to come back to that. It's not gone from me. It's still inside, wanting to come out. I just haven't taken the chance to have a real go at it again.
• I want a lifestyle change!!! - I want to take charge of my daily habits even more.

1. I want to wake up earlier and sleep more soundly, 
2. I want to eat less meat and dairy, and more whole foods, and to drink more water 
3. I want to move moderately and regularly, and form fitness habits that work for my lifestyle (I don't like pushing too hard, I don't want to have to go somewhere else to do it, I like dancing)
4.  I want to use my time more actively rather than passively. Less browsing, more editing videos, writing content, practicing my skills in those areas, and in art and music! And French.
5. I want to be more mindful of my belongings and have less unaccounted-for stuff in my place.
6. I want to start saving for my future and my creative projects. I'm currently in the process of finding a job that suits me, and I gave myself an ultimatum that if I don't find anything else, I will do what I used to do: be a call center agent! Scary! But I found a place that seems less stressful, and again that's just my option for when I don't find anything more suitable.

I've been going towards the right direction but very slowly, and it's a forward-and-back-again kind of process. But once Emmy and I move into our own place, I'm looking forward to really dive into it face-first! That being said, even now that we're still living in my room all of the time, I can still do a few of these changes:

1. Using my free time more purposefully. I'm still struggling at this bigtime, as can be seen through my very sparse posting habits here and on YouTube, but I'm sure I'll get a hang of it, I just have to keep at it everyday. 
2. I'm going to have a major decluttering session! I'm going to apply the KonMari Method (with alterations) to the things in my room, so that when I move into a new space, I will feel like a NEW WOMAN. whoo. It will also help me worry less about the attic caving in from the weight in my room. Haha.
3. Less-intense diet changes. We have trouble keeping our ideal diets when we live with other people, and end up eating McDonald's a lot! But even though we can't make our own food, I've kept on pulling my intake into the reasonable side, which was greatly helped by my #eatmindfully project last year. To be honest, I've been eating a little more, but it's still under control B-) And we still keep our owl water cups handy all the time!
4. Very easy exercise! A little goes a really long way for me. Just 12 reps of weighed squatting leaves me sore for a couple of days! Then I can go again. And I really feel improvements right away. It's pretty nice.
5. Keep learning about how to make things happen. I know I say this all the time, but Gretchen Rubin books are so effective and helpful to me. I love that she takes into account everyone's idiosyncrasies and real data, statistics, and sprinkles personal accounts and accounts of real people in the mix. It's just... So easy to understand and doesn't ring my "THIS IS BS" alarms. Right now I'm reading Better Than Before, which I was thinking about preordering on her website, thinking it might take a while to get here, but suddenly found on a shelf in the bookstore with the minimalistic original cover that I really like!!! Anyway, it's teaching me how to prioritize and effectively attempt change, so that's exciting because I can really use the guidance.

So yeah! A creative, functional, healthy life! So dreamy!!! I hope I make it werqq this year!

Spiralling into inaction thru spiralling into chronic imagination

ALRIGHT. Since I've been finding it hard to sit my butt down and write a proper post and consequently forgot to update this blog about my channel's first vlog (?!?!?!?!?) Let me attempt to gather myself today and do just that.

There. now that's that out of the way...

I have big plans for this year. I'm attempting to veer closer to the edge of my comfort zone (and maybe even... step on the line??? possibly.. step... OUT? of it???! even??) and even though I saw January come and go without much of my plans really working, I'm still daring, still trying, still figuring out what works for me and how I can trick myself into making things happen because I have the worst attention span.

I feel like I have short term memory a lot. It's hard to see my whole life in one picture in my brain, it's always in bits and pieces and I lose touch of what I need to accomplish a lot because of this. 

It seems that the more plans i have in place, the less I get done! Perhaps I can use the fact that we have a dying dog and a sick dog as an excuse, but I spend far too much time playing Neko Atsume and watching YouTube to even buy that.

No, there is no excuse. The explanation though? I had a fuzzy brain for days and have sort of settled into the type of lifestyle that it causes. I can't latch on (focus my attention) to creative activities, except when it's in an erratic and impulsive way instead of an organized scheduled one.

So, things I can't do at the moment:

1. edit things
2. focus on tedious attention-requiring tasks (but some of them that can fall into this category can help if i do them impusively! see below)
3. write in a calculated manner
4. mentally connect ideas from different days into working tasks without INTENSE EFFORT
5. in the same manner, coming back to a task that takes time again and again with breaks in between is really hard ~ once i do something else, i am repelled by coming back to what i need to finish.
6. COME BACK TO MY PLANS AND DO THEM?!

But! things I #1 can do / #2 am doing / #3 should do more of:

1. deep cleaning, any cleaning, organizing, chores (they clear my head and help me get back to doing meaningful things)
2. impulsive writing (what i'm doing right now!)
3. imaginative activities, in short!! bursts!!! (also what i'm trying right now)
4. physical tasks (if i am caffeinated enough and have an electric fan facing me to cool me off cos it feels like i'm a hamster and am constantly shaking slightly and creating heat and have sweaty pits)
5. impulsively singing and turning my life into a musical because it releases tension i get from trying to focus (only counts as a #1&2 this is useless and annoying but i'm turning into Linda Belcher AAALRRIIIIIGHT)
6. DEEP TALKS AND LIKE THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WANNA DO AND STUFF (also writing things in parentheses too much)

So since I have a video series lined up about PURGING MY THINGS anyway i might just shoot the timelapse parts where i show some of the action happening while I'm in this neurotic state. And then I'll do the rest when I'm back in fighting form. Also I'm going to keep "scribing" with my journal and planners to help ground me and remind me of things I need to do. Even though it takes so much effort to focus on that too!

Also yesterday I had a very fruitful date with my Frond Carmen in which we brainstormed about projects of a personal and collaborative and speculative nature. I'm excited about those, but I need to plot them properly in my planners! I HOPE I FIND THE FOCUS TO DO SO

So yeah. I'm just going to work with what I have right now, because it's the best thing to do given the circumstances. I can't keep waiting for the composed, coherent, functional me to surface before I make anything because it's starting to be clear that if I do that, I won't be showing the whole picture. And the point of all this documenting and reflecting that I'm doing with my blogging and vlogging projects is to be honest with myself, and to whoever tunes in, so that I can paint an honest picture of struggles that people like me face everyday, and how I make things work, when I do. I don't want to give people who might need whatever help or insight i can offer the impression that anything is effortless, or a straight line going up, when you climb uphill these things.

And because there's a severe lack of visuals in this here blog post let me impulsively reward you with a taste of my very raw Photoshopping skills. With a takoyaki border. It's what we ate while discussing things yesterday. Hahaha.

 God it was so good.

Trying to be who we want to be.

This is a human. An imperfect, asymmetrical, beautiful, lovely mess. 

Perhaps one of the biggest obstacles that come in the way of change in our lives is our lack of self-awareness. We all have a perception of ourselves that is more complete in terms of knowing our thoughts, our intentions, fears, and wants, but we see all of these as somewhat default reactions and ways of being.

We generally gain clarity in understanding most things we encounter in life by way of comparing and contrasting them with other things. When it comes to people around us, we are able to view them as they appear and place them beside each other in our minds, to make sense of what they are like: "Gina is a shy person while Linda is very comfortable around people." But most people see themselves as neither shy nor social until they are told. They just interact with the outside world in a way that feels like the only way they can. Their default. And because we all experience our lives and who we are from inside, it's quite a different thing to get to know ourselves.

When we grow into adults, we are given insight as to what types of personalities might do better or find it easier in life and we try to adjust ourselves accordingly. And yet, many of our efforts fail due to a sneaky tendency to assume that once we know how we should be, then we are already how we should be.

Some of the people who say "don't judge" a lot actually do a lot of premature judging themselves. Some people who keep telling other people how to be healthier are smokers.
Some people who complain about a lack of discipline in society can't even put their trash where it belongs.

It should do us some good to accept by default that we are imperfect, flawed, and learning. To try and observe ourselves as we live our lives and not as how we think we should live our lives. Even living needs practice when you put a set of values in the mix.

I am very humbled whenever I take a good look at myself. With all my learning, I'm still a very new, very elementary, very lost n00b. I know of many methods in productivity, health, business, that I know work, but I still find hard to apply anything well, because everyone's different, and will come across different things in their journey, and will have to adjust accordingly. Personally, I have a low attention span, and a great longing for habits but I am simultaneously allergic to them. I get impatient with myself and am prone to self-loathing, but I try to just learn something new about myself that might make it easier next time. And it always gets a little better next time. But I still have a long way to go.

When I try to change, I take it slow. I don't expect myself to be able to do it well right away. Because that's just not how it works. Learning takes time: nobody can say they know how to paint well just because they watched someone else do it. They have to take the time and make an effort to get there.

And they have to be ready to face the truth about where they are right now. Not to wallow about being really bad at the thing they want to be good at, but to know that there's still some-a-ways to go. I know that this quote from Ira Glass has been circulating a lot, and I'm pretty sure you've already read it in its original context:

Now try to think about this, but about how you live your life. 

About how much you want to be someone who does good in the world.

There is a gap between your understanding of what a good person is, and what you are able to bring to the table right now.

You will have to keep trying, but once you try enough, you can get there.

Just keep being honest with yourself.