Bea Visits Beardy's Homeland (France Vol.1)

So last March I wrote this kind of weird post without really touching upon what it was even about. Then I left the blog for almost five months, (which is typical!!) but now that I have some time during which I am intentionally avoiding doing any work/thinking about work to refresh my brain cells, I decided to finally write a bit about MY VACATION IN FRANCE!!!

Now this is just going to be a summary, but I already know it might be a little long. I'll try not to ramble too much and let the pictures do most of the talking, but knowing myself, this might still end up being very wordy, (I mean just this bit explaining is already unnecessarily wordy) so strap yourself in, get an iced coffee, maybe put some music in the background, I don't know man it's your life!!! 

There's already like an 80% chance that you know why I went there. I assume you come from Facebook, which would mean you might know me personally, and might know that that's where Em -I mean Beardy (he's called Beardy here you guys! Shh!)- is from. But here are some things you might not know about this trip:

1. It's actually only my FIRST time going there. Beardy so far had been the sole crosser of seas in our relationship until then. FOR FIVE HUNDRED YEARRRRS!!!
2. I've tried and failed before to go, and that's what that last weird post was about! I was then awaiting my Visa application results! Haha.
3. The first time I attempted to go was in 2014, when the macaron fad had just reached the Ph. And to make things fun, I decided to do a Macaron Strike! Where I managed to refrain from ever trying one before I could go to France and eat one there.

And no, I did not go to Ladurée in Paris to make that happen; we have a branch of that here in Makati. My first macaron (my first six if we're being honest) was procured from a Carrefour, which we don't have in the Philippines. I wasn't really expecting to like them, it was more for the principle of it. The symbolism of it. But hey they were good! Much more interesting that what I had imagined (glorified meringue sandwiches with filling).. They were chewy on the inside and the fillings were really nice. They're not just pretty to look at! Sorry I misjudged you, macarons.

Much of our 7-week vacation was spent just chilling at their home in Brittany, like we used to do the first years that he visited me here. We played lots of board games, played music together with his sister, cooked and ate a lot of nice food, taking scenic walks, and whatever else.

A lot of the time, I was sick while I was there. I unfortunately got a bad case of the coughies shortly before leaving, and the cold/dry environment wasn't too kind to that. It lasted for weeks! And so I wasn't very energetic and needed a lot of rest. But it was still really lovely to be with his family in a mostly relaxed environment! Eating breakfast together while watching birds outside, making LOTS of tea, drinking beer and eating various numnums by a fire (it was still cold enough to merit that in a Breton spring apparently!)... like the sweetest cherry tomatoes I've ever had in my life!

The difference in the general climate is pretty striking:

• You can have a sunroof in your car or room and NOT turn your room or car into a deadly oven
• Room temperature water is cold. You don't need to refrigerate water.
• I can wear makeup without feeling disgusting after a couple hours
• I can put oil in my hair without it turning into a swampy mess
• Everything keeps a lot better without so much humidity. Not just food - buildings, towels, dishes, very old books, everything looked newer than they actually were. So it's not just that we're lazy in taking care of our buildings and artefacts here I guess. Climate plays a very important role in preserving culture. Welp. Wind it back a bit there Bea.
• It's SO MUCH HARDER TO GET UP IN THE MORNING

• The sun sets around 9pm. This made such a huge difference for me. I often feel like the day is over when the sun is down, and would feel sad during evenings here because everything just feels more dangerous in the dark, and if you weren't done it's like everything you're going to do after the sun sets is already LATE. But when the sun sets at 9pm, it's like just in time for bed, and it felt like I could live the waking hours to the fullest. I wasn't chasing the sun.
• I wore the same clothes over and over because I didn't really sweat in them much.
• People are always feeling the weather out, and if it got warm or sunny, people make a point to go outside. To walk instead of driving everywhere. To eat in the patio instead of inside. Here it's as if because there's always a high probability of it being too hot or wet to be outside, even when it's nice and cloudy/cool/dry, we are not programmed to take advantage of that anymore. We stay inside anyway. We wait to be picked up at the entrance of stores even when it's cloudy enough to walk the grocery cart to our cars. I really learned to appreciate good weather now when I experience it. And I love it that I'm not always cold here in the Philippines. I understand Beardy a lot better now when it comes to that.

One of the first days in Brittany. It was warm enough to eat outside so we did, but you bet I braved the cold in the shade just so the sun won't burn my retinas!

A couple of people enjoying the sun in Pont-Aven

• It can be very cold but also blindingly bright at the same time!!!

*ngiting nakakasilaw nasisilaw*

Really all of this I could have guessed myself but it was still quite an experience actually living it. Like being in Paris. It's such a tourist trap, such a filmic destination, so well-covered in books, films, pictures... It was the France I "knew" before I ever went. But it's SO different from the rest of the country! I never imagined that the feeling I'd have upon arriving in Paris was... STRESS! Because I've been spoiled for weeks in the countryside where there's nature, cute animals, and few cars before I went to the bustling city. It was really fun though! And quite the funny feeling seeing the sights with my own two eyes.

Here we see some youths having a classic Parisian picnic in front of the Eiffel Tower. Imagine being a teenage tourist on a trip with your friends doing this with no shame and maybe even a bit of pride! Youth is a wonderful thing.

The Louvre pyramids... FROM INSIDE THE MUSEUM! Before taking an exhausted nap. A guard totally let us. It was right front of him.

Taking a picture in front of the Centre Pompidou for my best friend ♥

MONT MARTRE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! Look at that golden morning glow.♥

THE SMELL OF OIL PAINTS IN THE MORNING IS ALMOST BETTER THAN THE SMELL OF FRESH BAGUETTES TO ME please don't tell Beardy I said that. It's blasphemous to the French. 

Shakespeare and Co, with some English(?) buskers on the side

So that's me meeting the side of France that I was expecting to meet. In the next post I'll be covering the summary of the unexpected side of France I saw, and in the future, more detailed stuff about all of the small trips that we took. Hope to see you here again! Thanks for your time! Hope you enjoyed your coffee!

💫2016: slow, subtle, steady af.✨ (my 2016 year review using pages from The Giving Journal)

Now, I know, I know... When it comes to the state of the world, "slow, subtle, steady af" is nowhere near applicable for describing the year that was. It was a rough ride. But looking at it through a more personal, introspective set of eyes, that was how my personal development in life was like this past year.
I used a CBTL Giving Journal in 2016 and it had these cutesy pages that I had fun filling out, and now that it's 2017 I'm using them to get a feel of my progress, to remember where I was at at the start:

Late in 2015, subject to numerous tiring bus rides, I had a lot of time to think of a way to picture how I wanted 2016 to go. What steps I wanted to take. That was when I got the inspiration to imagine my life as a flower:

I imagined:

1. that in the first quarter, I'd be preparing a good foundation for myself through good health and a saner state of mind (the roots of the plant, but i called it seeds for the sake of the pattern -.-).
2. In the second quarter, I'd be aiming for better structure, and an upwards movement kinda feel through a stable job and habits that I hoped would be automated thereafter (stalks),
3. the third quarter was going to be when my efforts in making regular output were going to be refined and focused into the channels where I'd find myself gravitating more towards, so that
4. in the fourth quarter, after concentrating my energy on those, I'd acquire the blooms, or in other words, I was going to have everything I do "pay off" in the end.

Of course that didn't go exactly as planned. I unexpectedly found a real life job I actually liked going to, and so that occupied me. That being said, I still managed to make it halfway through the flower thing. I felt healthier because I was more active and slept better, my work makes me feel involved and improved me in aspects I wanted to improve on. I was just really ready for feeling rooted and stable, I guess. But in my opinion, I didn't get to do much of gearing towards personal projects, and I think that's vital for me to feel truly balanced.

BUT if I may, past Bea, there's something I'd like to change in that whole flowchart/metaphor thingy you got there:

I think the fourth one was a bit too focused on receiving things, like I needed success to be guaranteed. Blooms shouldn't be about things that are not in my hands, methinks. It should just be about me being able to look back into what I worked on and feel like I finished things I started. But I still like the part where I say something to the effect of "to know how to introduce myself to strangers." I think blooming should also be about getting a better sense of my identity through things I've done, so that's staying.

So I only made it to the halfway point of the marathon, but I'm still much better off from where I'm started, so I'm really happy! Aim for the stars, make it to the moon, I guess.

That being said, "my 2016 life mantra" in the CBTL Giving Journal guided me quite well:

I grew in so much ease (I guess it pays off to take things slow), much more ease than I thought was possible. And indeed, it was through being kinder to myself (and others - tension arises when we assume the worst of people who hurt us, and love blooms when we give them a chance)...

So! Good improvements:

• I've been taking on more things than I'm used to for work, and I'm staying afloat! It's done my confidence a lot of good. I used to think I had no perseverance. But I'm learning that I just need people around me sometimes, and that accountability works on me.
• Managing that by finally, finally being able to naturally apply the "one thing at a time" thing that I've always been trying to learn how to do (I say this time and time again - it's one thing to know something, and another thing to apply. Think of that the next time you nag someone or yourself.). I can actually stop worrying once I decide that it's not time for it yet; such a big relief!
• Being more open about my flaws, being able to dissect my own behaviour and change. A lot of people are good at seeing other people's flaws, but it takes a certain level of perseverance to see your own flaws and not be defensive about them. I've always admired people who can do that and in turn create wonderful things with that self-awareness, and I feel like I'm slowly getting there. Makes me happy. (And relieved!) It also allows me to get closer to people easier.
• I'm getting a little better at hushing that negative voice in my brain! Sure, I look crazy at times because sometimes I tell it to stop out loud, but hey, whatever works, right?
• I sleep at night and wake up in the morning regularly now. It's kind of a huge deal.
• I can moderately extrovert a bit more than before. Still wrecks me with anxiety from time to time, especially when I have a lot on my plate, but I'm managing!

And here are the things that need improvement:

• WRITE THINGS DOWN AND DON'T LOSE THEM AND ACTUALLY READ THEM AGAIN PLEASE?! So many missed opportunities for blog posts and fiction and whatnot.
• Speaking my mind about a risky thing without getting scared/shaking/feeling like my throat is full of ice
• Working on personal projects for real this time outside of work
• More balance between trusting myself and honing the mindset that allows me to feel accountable enough to meet that trust
• I'd also like if there was less automatic negative self-talk to hush in the first place
• More physical activity!!!

Goodbye, 2016. Was nice knowing you!

Life Update: Teacher Sophie?!

OH. MY. GOD.

I can't believe a full five months have passed since I was last here! What happened?! *shock emoji*

Well, a couple of things:

• Beardy and I moved out of my family home and into a nice little studio apartment nearby (so I get to go home a lot to see Sansa! haha) and we're loving it here.
• He and I got a job in an awesome school in the area (such a relief not having to commute to Manila for work!) And he still has his position from last year, so he currently teaches in two schools on alternate week days, while I have a full time job as a PRESCHOOL TEACHER!!!

*CUE CONFETTI*

I finally get to check that one off of my list of "dream jobs" :) The kids call me Teacher Sofie (Sofia is one of my birth names, while the nickname I've gone by since I was a baby actually isn't? Just a name my mom really liked), and often it's spelled with a "ph" by my colleagues, which I oddly prefer now. The kids can't really tell because they aren't at the age yet where they're taught to spell. Because it's a progressive school! A wonderful progressive school that prioritises the wellbeing and freedom of the younglings over ticking off checklists and getting ahead in terms of academics. Which sounded great to me.. and it is!!!

Anyway, I have a lot of good things to say about the school and I will in a seperate post, probably. For now, I just want to do a little update about things that happened in the past months while I've been gone:

We settled in! Moved our stuff in, bought a pan and a pot, color coordinated a lot (mostly green and blue for everything with minimal additions of red/purple!) and arranged stuff the best way we can in our tiny home. I love calling it tiny home, especially cos I recently started watching a lot of minimalism/minimal living type of videos around the time we moved. We aren't exactly living in a trailer in a forest with minimal electricity; in fact I think we're living quite comfily since we have a common pool outside and we use a/c, but it helped me a lot in acquiring less stuff, owning more mindfully, and detaching from my possessions.

This isn't our house, just the view out our window. It's a tiny room but with a BIG VIEW and that's a nice metaphor about our life right now I guess haha.

But that doesn't mean though that I live in a space that's dull! I still like creating small spaces of interest in the room. But the things I use are usually cheap, recycled, and/or multipurpose. This noteboard on the fridge came from the bottom of a cake box. Can you see the faces Beardy drew on the dino magnets? Hehehehe

Beardy's 26th Birthday!! We had a simple yet special one since it's our first on our own. Just a nice home-cooked meal (greek chicken and veg, tzatziki, tapenade, pan fried pita bread -all from scratch!-, and fresh Moroccan mint tea!) and his favorite Purple Oven brownies :)

Paradores Del Castillo in Taal has such an adorable turquoise/aqua motif!!!

Ihaw Boodle meal at Don Juan Boodle House

Last month, Beardy's family visited us again!!! But this time, it was for two whole weeks!!! It was super nice, even though Beardy and I still had to go to work. We did get to go away for a whole weekend together, it was to Taal and Anilao, Batangas. The weather did not let up, but neither did our spirits! We made up for the bad weather and power outages with boardgames and whatnot. It was such a nice thing to be with them so often, and they were so game for everything! We often would squish ourselves inside a single tricycle to go out for dinner haha. I miss them already.

Eagle Point. We didn't get to swim in the ocean though, just the pool. But we stared at it a lot. The waves were crazy but beautiful haha.

 We also had a nice lunch at Angelfields with my family one day and that was also nice because we were all complete and it's such a beautiful place!

I sadly only managed to take a picture of the tarragon tea. haha! But isn't it pretty? I had soup and a sandwich.

Edit: I forgot to add three events!!!:

1. Beardy and I also had our 70th monthsary! Isn't it crazy how fast time flies? We had dinner at Ziggurat. Cos it's our fave, and it's just downstairs.

(Fun fact: Ziggurat follows us around. When we stayed in makati for 10 days, we were looking for a good restaurant nearby and found out that the #1 Tripadvisor restaurant was just a short walk away from the AirBnb we booked. Then when we moved in this apartment, we noticed there was one downstairs! Whuuut. Too lucky.)

2. My aunt had her 60th bday this month! And our family had a bowling tournament. It was really fun, we don't usually actually do things for parties other than eat, drink and sit around so that was a really nice change. Hope we do more fun stuff from now on! ♥

Some pics from my tita Del's FB:

3. Also, our old neighbors/childhood friends from Alabang came by our house!! It's been YEARS since we were last together! The kuyas of the group live in Vegas now and they visited because their grandma (who we all call Nanay) passed away.

This was us in 1992:

And 24 whole years later!!!!:

Lastly, but very important!!!! Carmen and Aizel FIIIINALLY got to see our new place! Pia still hasn't due to BPO scheduling (huhu) but it was so cool to have them over. We had rumcokes and chats up on the roof while families flew kites, enjoyed the view, and I cooked them dinner! We had a bit of a giggle about how adult it seemed to host a dinner for your friends at your own place. It felt really cool but also made us feel really old haha! We all have new jobs right now and it just felt like a nice stopover before starting a looong road trip in our lives. They're both in Makati but I really hope we get to do it again really soon. With Pia.

So that's more or less my life right now. Just trying to make it work. The first few months have been very draining energy-wise and thus I didn't get to keep up with Youtube and this blog, but as I get more of a hang of my new job I imagine to be able to juggle it with my other interests on the side! Soon I'll be practicing guitar again, I'll certainly be on here more, and who knows, maybe I'll get to upload videos on Youtube again. I DON'T KNOW!! Isn't that great!! The world is so big and full of possibilities.

When Love Comes First

When love comes first,

"Don't leave without me" will be met with "Why would I?".

"Sorry I'm like this." would be answered with "No need to apologise, I understand it must be hard."

You wouldn't have to ask to be considered in their life decisions, you just automatically are.

You wouldn't feel dry and used, and every bit of love you give is replaced by love from them.

You wouldn't need to choose between being perfect or being left alone. They stay by your side, fights, warts, and all.

There are people out there who put love first. These people exist, and in more numbers than you think is possible right now, when you have given yourself so freely to people who just take your love for granted.

These are people who grew up in love, who had doting parents listen to every word when they were just learning to speak, jumbling their words and finding it hard to explain anything. They were taught to give, to understand, to not compare and compute the value of people. They were brought up without judgement by the adults they trusted with their innocence and vulnerabilities.

To these people, reciprocity of love is natural. They will care for you back if you show them love and attention. At the very least, they will not feel entitled to taking it all from you when they cannot give it back. And when they can, they give it a hundred percent.

And for people like us who feel yearning for this kind of love, who feel like we can love so much more than we have been given a chance to, to love better than we could imagine right now due to sheer lack of examples... we only need to stop settling for less. We need to learn to love ourselves so much that being treated less than with love, kindness, and tenderness will not look like a normal tolerated thing, but something that we simply cannot stand for and will have to move on from. We need to make the act of letting love come first the most natural thing there is, until it's the default of our world.

This was where I was five years ago, realising I was Beardy's girlfriend over Facebook haha, and funnily enough it was also where we were last night with friends! :p

Five years ago today, on the 22nd of December in 2010, Beardy and I made our relationship "official" between ourselves, after about 1 & 3/4 months of talking and sharing our lives online. I didn't know how transformative this relationship was going to be in my life. At the time it just felt very natural to call it a relationship because we felt naturally connected and committed to seeing the thing we had between us grow. Beforehand, I've had bad experiences of caring for people too much, who didn't really care about me the same way. I really had a warped perception of relationships and was going about things the wrong way until I lucked out and met him. We started out as just friends, until realising we were what the other was looking for, even if we didn't know it at first. I used to think he was an exception in the way he handles love but I sincerely hope and believe that there are many people out there who love like we do, and it's just not a thing that people are used to looking for (even me!).  I hope that the people I care for, at the very least, find a love that really works for them and fulfills them and lifts them up, and is plainly and simply reciprocal without needing mental justifications. I believe that whoever can love fully, deserves to be given that love back, and relationships like that can really emanate a love of love not only between the two people, but all around them, too. I'd like to live in a world with a lot of that!

HELP ME I am TOO OLD.

Hello. I'm a twenty-five year old, able-bodied female person who has always felt too old.
Not old, I'm not old, I know I'm still in the young end of the human age spectrum, but I feel too old for where I am in my life right now:

I'm a person who lives at home, is technically unemployed, not famous, not rich, no patents, no published work, nothing.

It's been easy to tell myself "You just have to get a job, any job, be 'of use to.. whoever, society? sure' and you'll feel good." for most of my adult life; heck, it's been easy for most people who find out about my situation to tell me that. But see, I did work for a while, and I didn't feel like I was of use to anyone, I felt like my purpose in both the jobs I had was lubrication in human form, just letting the gears of the machine work smoother, not really making any changes, just making things easier for "the man", totally out of touch with what that man is even trying to make happen. Is he trying to nuke North Korea? Is he trying to bulldoze more homeless shelters for Trump? Realistically, he's just another guy who has a lot of money, or a bunch of guys who have a lot of money- trying to keep himself from making less money. I've lost myself there. Just --Whatever it was, I was keeping the gears from rusting and grinding.

So I saved money from both jobs, and up to this point, I've been trying to figure out what it is that could actually make me of use to society -that is, cause change in a way that I actually want to be responsible for.

Some of this has been searching for jobs that are more engaging (yes, I'm still on the lookout for that possibility), some of it has been thinking of business ideas because I ultimately want to work for myself, some of it has been trying to figure out what skills I need to gain in order to get to a place of doing what I want to do, and admittedly, a lot of it had just been living life normally as a stay-at-home person - exploring things online, entertaining and educating myself, cleaning, cooking, trying not to freak about about how slow things are progressing.

In all of these, an important and kind of funny thing I realised is how important it is to, and forgive me for how cheesy this sounds, actually know and accept yourself  before coming into your own and presenting your ideas to the world. I realised how much I have been censoring myself and trying to "prune" myself before letting myself grow to my full potential, and how limiting that has become to me.

I decided to write this now to come clean about all of my insecurities - to lay it all out there - to give context for the existence of this blog and to let you know that there is a human behind all of these. An incredibly, disastrously flawed one. And so, this won't be written like an article like my recent posts. This will just be me baring myself to you, to humanise this corner of space that I have made for myself here in the vast interspacewebs.

First, the thing in the title that was definitely not meant to mislead you - I am insecure about my age relative to where I am in life. Whenever I see people who have done more by now and are younger than me (and there are many of them - I started feeling this way at FOURTEEN for godssake) I always manage to wonder if it's too late to start anything by now and I should just find a desk job and not look left and right and try to forget about all of my old passions. 

Today though, I found out that Bunny Meyers from YouTube (grav3yardgirl) started vlogging at 25 - MY AGE! In her 5-year YouTube anniversary video, she said she was a "late bloomer" and my bitter brain was like "She probably meant starting at 21 or something and you're already four years down the road from there, hun" But I googled her age, and nope. Born in 1985. I know how silly the next part is going to seem, I know how crazy I sound, but I actually, literally TEARED UP from relief. It felt like once again my existence has been validated by this lady - the first time was when I started watching her and saw how delightfully weird she was and I felt quite okay about myself and started letting myself be myself more. Yes I just said myself three times, Beardy. Four times now. Sorry. Love you, *kiss*

Every time I fail to convince myself that age is just a number from now on, I'm going to tell myself that I've been half-assing my whole life, so when it comes to self-actualisation, my real age is only twelve and a half. So I could just shut up about being too old, and get immersed in things as openly as I did when I was 12 and just starting to learn how to play guitar.

I was having a good skin day the other day so. *feelin myself*

Second, I fear that I'm too out of touch with what used to be my natural talents - and yes this is sort of still the first point, because it has to do with my age and how I didn't form the right habits in my formative years when it comes to harnessing my skills and whatnot, but it deserves its own spot because it's just HORRIBLE. I am so afraid of not being able to write songs anymore, not being able to learn new software that would allow me to digitally draw again. Not being able to dance well anymore because of my hip problem. So many fears! But recently (and yes, all of the points here are going to come with reassurances because this blog is about being encouraging to oneself and others, after all) I've been successfully maintaining two habits- eating moderately and cleaning regularly - for a long time now, so I have some ammo against my own brain telling me I can't create any new habits~!!! >.< Shuddup brain. You know nothin. Or.. enough. You know enough, so stop doubting yourself, shh.

Third, I don't know if I'm likeable enough. To be listened to, for my opinions to be valued, to simply get enough hits online when I publish my content! Okay, maybe that last one is more about marketing knowledge, but you get the point. And this is the bottom line to many smaller insecurities that I could have considered as separate: my looks, my tone, how dumb I come across... I'm putting them all here because essentially they are just about being received positively after I put myself out there. The only reassurance I have for this point is the hunch I have that it simply does not matter. That's one good thing about growing older, I guess. Things become less and less about what people think about me, but rather my experience of life. I just want to give this a shot man, and if it fails, if nobody ends up reading anything I write, then I'd know for sure that it just wasn't there for me. I'd prefer not having to live my life wondering.

So there it is. Right now, I'm still figuring myself out, yes, but at the same time, I've finally come to the realisation that this is just simply not meant to end! I'm never going to come to a point where I've figured myself out, where it's done, a thing of the past. I'm one of those things that Elizabeth Gilbert calls "hummingbirds".. People who live through life going from one thing to another. My life simply is about figuring things out. This blog is where I document myself figuring things out too, and sharing things along the way. Nothing is final and unchangeable here. I know that things I feel today will evolve, and maybe I'll regret many things I say from now, much like I regret many things I said when I was younger. That's just how life is. And I'm far too old to keep resisting. ;)

What Love Could Feel Like

Guess what! Beardy and I are celebrating our Fifth Year Anniversary today!!! Yes, five whole years of being in each other's lives. It's a little crazy to think about! To celebrate, we filmed a vlog together doing The Boyfriend/Relationship Tag:

And on my own, I want to share some insights that I've gathered and observed to be things that need the most sharing from people who have experienced a nurturing, stable kind of love to people who are looking, or have been perhaps going after the kind of love that isn't really what they want in the end. In things that are common among us humans, we need to have a better line of communication in order to guide each other. That's what I think.

And love is a pretty common goal in people's lives. Humans are vastly preoccupied with romantic love. Not everyone, of course - but a lot of us are. We can philosophize about why this is so, but for most of us it's a very real, very deep-seated need, and done the right way, it can do a lot of good to a person. But it's as if we are used to being preoccupied with only the stage where it is sought, and when we have it, we are preoccupied with fixing it because a lot of the love we find is broken. I observe this a lot in the way that we often speak about love. How it feels. How it hurts. It's lead me to think that maybe we are made to have the wrong expectations about what it is, what it should be. I feel like maybe in a large extent, we are being made to look for the wrong kind of feeling in our search for love. I sure had the wrong expectations before befriending Beardy. I was looking for, and kept crashing head-on towards an idea of it that was simply unsustainable. Luckily, even without realising it at the time, starting a friendship with Beardy five years ago today eventually led me away from a long, painful path towards a really nice easy-going one so that I could, you know... Start worrying about other things. Life is about so much more than finding a partner after all.

Like being able to act like dumdums together once you've found each other.

Love shouldn't feel like competing to be the best one around in order to deserve being loved. It should feel secure, like the decision has been done. You should treat each other in a way that makes you feel confident and secure in your relationship. It shouldn't feel like a constant competition, like you always have something to prove. You should be able to show your whole self, not just the best parts. To be accepted for the good and bad, and to accept your partner wholly as well.

Love shouldn't be something we brace ourselves for, and reserve our strength for, but rather, something that gives us strength, and is a safe place to rest in in times where we are weak. Love should give us strength, not take it away from us. Yes, sometimes challenges may come that will need us to be strong, but it shouldn't come from the way we treat each other. I've observed that some people in relationships tend to fight and bicker a lot - about things big or small, and I think this causes a lot of lovers to have their guards up when they are around each other. I think it should feel like you are coming from the same place from every time you wind down, and face the same direction out to the world, together. The space you create should feel safe and nurturing, not like a battlefield.

Love shouldn't feel like the goal, the happy ending. It should feel like a beginning. It should improve your life in many ways, and not be the end goal. It should be a source of your energy, and the light to your way for the rest of your life.

Best way I could have ended/started a year..

With Beardy of course!!!

Our first and only us-sie XD This thumb-face selfie thing keeps happening. XD I can't help it sometimes! This was his beard before I trimmed it - one of our many firsts!!!

But that's not all.. I spent it with his family too! One of his sisters, and both of his parents came over to spend time with us. It was unbelievably lovely.

This was our first Christmas and New Year (not to mention actual anniversary, too) together, so I'd say it was pretty special, but that would be a gross understatement. And I didn't even know it would happen when we parted this summer.

There are honestly no words to describe how wonderful it was. But I still want to mark the occasion on this space of mine in the internet, by posting pictures from E's papa's camera. I'm still waiting on more from Anne's camera (I'm very excited to see them!! I noticed they have awesome natural talent in capturing the right moments in pictures) so this likely won't be the last photo throwback I'm going to make for those wonderful few days.

On the 27th we had our Christmas family reunion, and it was a lot of fun! we all wore red, green or white and we played games.  Most importantly, we got to introduce E's family to my extended family, and it was really nice and fun. Here are more pictures:

People in red

People in green

Our beauuutiful moms and aunt

These two pictures are really amazing to me. I don't know who took it, or how they did it, but they really found a way to make the kids comfortable :)

This one really looks like she's waiting for snow XD Only, there's never any here of course!

Tito boyet butchering the poor piggy

Beardy butchering the poor Sansa haha

J'adore cette photo :> Beardy has told me how much closer he feels now to my mom and he likes it and she likes it and i love it :D This was when he was asked to make a speech for the Champagne, I think. (actual Champagne! I don't think we've ever had that in our family XD Just sparkling wine. Which is delicious too but still.)

Beardy and me participating in Christmas games in our respective Christmas hats! As you can see, Tito Leo, as per usual, cracks everyone up. Including adorable Beardy.

Beardy's first time participating in our family videoke sessions! I'm so happy about how festive he was that day. I didn't even tell him to wear that hat, he initiated it! (He brought it from work!)

After the Christmas reunion, I went with Beardy and his family (which I feel is part of my family now, too!) to a couple of getaways: one day we went to Intramuros and Rizal Park, and the following day we went to Matabunkay to spend two days at the beach!

I really like these pictures Papa Eric took of us in St.Augustine :)

Matchy-matchies!!

I took this! :D My new-found familyyy ~

Dinner again at home :) I can really tell how much our parents like each other, they really spend all night talking together!

After snorkelling in Matabunkay :D so many fishies! I will really treasure this memory forever. It was perfect.

I'm so happy I still got to play with sand even if our time was short!

a couple of goofy waterbabies

Taal on our way back :D

New Year's Eve was also really nice and peaceful and happy ~ We hunted for fireworks and didn't really get to do a proper count down but kissed and hugged anyway :D

Me looking like I've had enough cake even though I'm only just starting to slice it!!!
I kinda like this picture, I look fat but I don't mind it, it looks happy to me (look at how tiny my baby Beardy looks with his cute smile) And I'm wearing earrings that Maman Noëlle gave me for Christmas :3

Walking through Paseo on the night, seeing if we want to spend the countdown in the party they had, but deciding to spend it with each other instead ~ we still had a mini dance party by ourselves though!

like dis.

It was the shortest stay Beardy has ever had with me but also somehow the most meaningful, with many many many firsts for us... I was able to have a Christmas exchange gift in his family's hotel room with them, seated all together and that's something he's always told me about and I'm so happy to have experienced it with them. There are so many more, on the last day of 2014 we even wrote down all of the firsts we had in a list... There's 17 things in there right now and I don't even think we remembered everything. I'm so happy with him, and now I've fallen in love with his family too. I always somehow knew I'd love them, but I was still taken off-guard. And I know my family was, too. :D

Anyway, I'm so happy everything happened even though it was too short and I now miss him terribly again, but I know we'll be together very soon later this year, and probably for good! So I'm not taking it too hard. :)