Tuesday, September 18, 2012

holding yourself accountable doesn't work

without displacing your debilitating deep-seated beliefs.

In trying to be an over-all better person, I've been finding myself face-butting the same obstacles over and over again. I just devolve into doing the same bad stuff I did before the life change, because I wasn't vigilant enough to see through some of my brain's sneaky ways. Some beliefs are already impulses; hard to detect and blow up. They're already habits. Mannerisms. Sometimes as difficult to change as intentionally changing the way you laugh. They beat with your heart and ride in your blood. You have to catch them again and again and again, and willingly change them, a number of times that I personally am having trouble believing I can keep up with.

These are some beliefs I recently discovered I actually had:

  1. I only start things and flake out so why bother or ruin the fun of the present moment (the present moment being something a lot of fun but not gratifying like watching cartoons)
  2. Immediate gratification is the shortcut to happiness why bother taking the long route
  3. I'll never be really happy, only momentarily so why bother
Oh bother.

I have all of the reasons to believe otherwise, and when I catch myself at these thought patterns I usually can firmly say I am wrong. However, everything else, like what I do, how I feel, tell me that I still inwardly hold these beliefs. Subconsciously. They are the way I function by default. And the following beliefs support those bigger ones:

  1. Ah it's okay to rest once I've done good. Stopping the good action is a way of rewarding oneself.
  2. If I shuffle around and do random things based on my mood I'm sure I'll keep progressing in life ^^
  3. This action right here even though not urgent nor important, boosts my mood, so it's good to do it.
Once again I know how dumb these statements are. Especially when written down.

And I know how many people have taught that changing your beliefs is one of the most important steps. Unfortunately, just looking at me tells you that there's a road there that you can only discover and tread and solve alone.

 It's not really about learning anymore. It's a big, dirty, messy process of detecting the belief as it comes and physically forcing myself to build different habits. The task suddenly looks bigger and more daunting. Like trying to learn how to draw with my left hand when my right hand is just much more stronger and more coordinated. And it's too easy to just block everything out and keep doing what I've always been doing. But I already know how ugly the end of that road is.

Ah growing up is hard.

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