Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Year's End, Wit's End, Bell End.

Ah, here it is. The year's end. Two things happen at this time, and as much as they contradict each other, they always come in tandem:

  1. People start giving up on things they resolved to do this year
  2. People start making new resolutions for the next year
As for me, I've tried enough times to know well enough that the typical kind of New Year resolution making is just not a thing that works for me, but I still use the pumped-up feeling that new years give me psychologically to push myself to dust myself off and try again.

But I don't limit myself to just the start of the year. At the rate in which I stumble in my life, that simply would be unsustainable and I'd become a pile of self-loathing mudslosh. No, in fact, I'm doing another Aaliyah right now as I write this, because after a few weeks of hitting my post goals, one night of merriment has thrown me off! Yes, I've been doing well, posting once every two days to make up for the lull in November which was already a re-do of a failed re-do in the first place, but on the weekend it all went to shit.
I love my family though. They are a trip.
Here is what happened. We had a family gathering set for Saturday, and instead of just forgetting my responsibilities, I decided to plan ahead and be ready to make a post whilst away. At first I was even going to bring my laptop but at the last minute I decided pakdatshet and decided to do all my blogging on my phone, since I use it for my #EatMindfully posts anyway. And then I left my phone at home! I managed to salvage my food post by using Beardy's phone and posting it the next day, but by the time I was home and needing to make a quick post the alcohol in my system from the night before had already made me a sad, tired, loopy mess and I just wasn't feeling it. Hard drinking and I are not very good friends and we have not met for a while so I was pretty weak. I like beer and wine but I rarely drink for the sake of being drunk, which is the type usually done in Filipino gatherings. Unfortunately, the alcohol is usually really strong and not very tasty, and it makes me feel icky the next day. So I missed my personal deadline, and that in turn made it a bit emotionally daunting to try a day later. I'm really the easiest person to discourage at times.

But! Here I am. After a pep-talk with Emmy I decided to just talk about my process honestly instead of avoiding writing at all because of how shitty I feel. Feel too shitty to write something good? Write about feeling shitty instead to move on, then go back to normal programming. Yas. Good. So where was I ~

Ah yes, I'd like to discuss my "why". Why do I bother trying? What makes me feel like I should go on? It's not like people rely on my posts and can't go on without them. In fact, only a handful of people even see them.

Well, it's a matter of principle at this point. I'm making a conscious decision to do what fulfills me as a person. Writing and creating content is something that I'm truly passionate about, but I never gave it a real shot, never really stuck to it. I was too afraid to fail on my own. But now I feel like I have nothing to lose. Also, I want to come at the end of the 90 days and be able to tell myself that I started something, and I finished it! I've always pegged myself as someone who doesn't finish things she's started, and I want that to change. And how do I change that belief? By proving to myself that I can finish what I start. I need so much more than ever to trust and believe in myself. So that I could exert myself more creatively and be less defensive in my actions. I NEED SELF-CONFIDENCE!!!

Me on Christmas trying to make this work without losing my Christmas cheer
or rather my ..Christmas chill
So yeah, even though it might have sounded like I don't believe in resolutions (I do! - It just depends from person to person and how realistically you plan your actions), I actually think it's something that shows an admirable thing about being human - we always have hope. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy dose of it every now and then.

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