Monday, December 28, 2015

A Christmas C..error. A Christmas Horror Story.

404 Error. I missed.. How many days? Four days. Yes.


It got hectic, and we all know how easily I get overwhelmed! (I mean you probably didn't actually know that, but now you do)

I'll be honest, this Christmas hasn't been the best so far.

  • I did my best to help out and plan meal ideas and do a lot of the grocery shopping, but we didn't end up cooking a lot of what we planned and we actually just slept on Christmas Eve instead of having a Noche Buena because we had to go to a reunion really early the next day.
  • Sansa got sick on Christmas Eve so I had a hard time sleeping because my anxiety-riddled brain was screaming "SHE IS GOING TO DIE WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING SHE WILL NOT MAKE IT ON HER BIRTHDAY" Which by the way THANKS A LOT BRAIN.
  • So I woke up super early on Christmas day with barely any sleep because I thought we were leaving at 6am AND I had to check if Sansa was better/ still alive D:
  • She was fine, but I was already dressed and so I stayed downstairs even though apparently nobody else was ready :( and I REALLY wanted to stay in bed when my alarm went off so that made me feel really bad...And I didn't want to go back upstairs and have to be called downstairs again when they are ready because I'd be so tired and I didn't want to be blamed when I was ready before the others were
  • But my little cousin decided that it was time to experiment on how sensitive my hearing is ("How noisy can I get without her waking up? *BANGS TOYS TOGETHER FOR NO GOOD REASON*" Answer: I heard EVERYTHING and kept asking him to stop but somehow he kept going. Blame it on Christmas cheer! *bah humbug*) so I didn't even get to catch up on a little sleep while waiting for everyone else.
  • On the ride there, it was too hot and noisy and cramped in the truck so even though I closed my eyes it was impossible to really sleep
  • When we arrived, I couldn't function well even though I was so excited to meet my little cousins. I tried REALLY HARD but I could feel my eyeballs trying to roll back into my skull the whole time and I was pretty loopy so I stayed in the shaded hut instead of outside with people. So I couldn't take too many pictures waaaah.
  • When we got home, we still couldn't really do a real Christmas dinner because everyone was tired!!!!! And we had to prepare for the smaller gathering on the next day!!!

So yeah, on Christmas night, I was trying to keep it together, but I was super stressed by not being prepared for the next day, and too disappointed in being too tired to be fully awake during the 24th and 25th, that I ended up just bawling my eyes out to Beardy who also admitted that he didn't have the greatest time (we tried to Skype his family on the Eve but the connection was being poopy so it was a bit short and it was difficult to hear each other :'c, but luckily we got to have a second call with Anne and it was really nice! But like me he was a bit run down and rushed and clueless about how to celebrate because we didn't have our time in our own hands)

An actual photo of me and Beardy on Christmas night
But you know what? I felt a lot better after crying. I didn't realise how much I needed to just admit that I wasn't having fun, and that I was being really stressed. I have been trying to suppress it because it was Christmas and trying my hardest to have a good attitude, to not be a grinch, but I realised that suppressing this wouldn't make it disappear. But maybe expressing it would. And it did! Sharing it with Beardy brought us closer, and made me feel like someone understood. That it was okay and understandable to feel the way I did, considering what had happened, and I wasn't being crazy. 

After that, things were better. I had a slightly better night even though it was still short, but it was restful enough that I managed to still help out in the house while we had guests, talk to people (although not as much as I'd have liked!) and be really attentive to the kids (I just want them to have good memories of Christmas, okay?! While having fun is still the only thing expected of them this season!)... At the end of that day, I was still reaaaally tired, but had less frustrations about how things went.

(I didn't get to attend to my little cousin who stole Christmas just yet, but the good thing about him living here is that I had time to make up for it... Which I did today! We made popsicles, played with cars, puzzles and bubbles, and talked a lot. After a bit of guilt-tripping because I've lost my will to try with him recently, I decided to change my attitude about him being a difficult child, and try to change my approach to positively influence him again and make him feel secure. Because insecure children are more difficult and become insecure adults!)

So yes! That's why I missed five days! I'd feel bad about it, but I think I reached my quota for things to feel bad about and actually don't mind it as much as I minded having a tiring Christmas so far. And and and! There were also good things about it:

  • I got a couple of really nice presents
  • I feel proud for not disappointing my mom for once by helping a lot even though I was more tired than I could even believe
  • I moved on from feeling horrible really quickly and therefore have reason to believe that I'm becoming more emotionally resilient
  • I met my uncle from Canada again, and his family for the first time!
  • I managed to get presents for my family even though I thought I'd be too broke to manage it this year.. with a lot of help from Beardy!
  • Even though one of them cried a lot when it was time to go home, I feel good about letting my nieces play Minecraft on my computer and painting their nails for them all preedy. I know that it looked like I fussed over them too much and I know that carrying my computer around and setting it up wherever my nieces wanted to play, and designing their nails when everyone else was just chilling and being festive looked very tedious and like I spoil them, but I just don't want them to lose their festive Christmas feels too early. I know they were excited about those two things before coming to our house, and I didn't want to disappoint them because disappointment really sucks, and I sure knew it firsthand that day. I just want to protect them from that when I have the energy to. 
  • I was prepared and didn't really expect that much from Christmas; I was sober enough to not be too disappointed whenever plans didn't push through; I just broke down mostly from me not being super awake the whole time, but I feel like I had a healthy expectation which made it easier. Honestly, even if things went the same way, I wouldn't be so sad if I wasn't so tired because I'm sure I would have had the energy to come up with something to make it better.
  • I learned things that are super important: One, sleeplessness depresses me and tires me too much for it to be worth waking up too early or staying up later than needed. And two, even if I'm at my worst shape, I can still manage to work hard at things I decide are important. Which are the people I love. 

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