Sunday, December 25, 2011


It's time for a change. I can see my pattern unfolding once again in this very blog. I have three unpublished drafts staring at me. Three unpolished "gems". I have an ideal in mind, and then I refuse stuff that I feel aren't "it" until refusal becomes what it's all about. A habit. Refusal to perform. To just do the work. Resistance, mighty resistance.

What was supposed to be a hands-on, honest to the core, insightful scrapbook has been reduced to the occasional musing about a lesson learned.. And it's usually only on the mind level. Fuck that. Seriously. That's been my problem for so long. I'm not going to settle comfortably right at the plateau of disappointment. This was supposed to be about body/soul level learning! Not about tight-assed paragraph forming (those were only supposed to come once in a while, when inspiration strikes). This is supposed to be a place where I go beyond the words and honestly try to paint a picture of life and growth as it happens. Dirty gem-cleaning and all included.

So where does this leave us? Well for one thing, I will have more personal stuff to share. I'm not sure where the point was that I got really sidetracked from my vision for this blog. I guess I was avoiding it due to fear of facing who I really am. This blog was really supposed to be about ME, essentially. But naturally I pushed it away from me. Depersonalized it. Afraid of leaving my mark. A behaviour that isn't totally new to me. As I begin to be more accepting of myself, a notion that is surprising to me because I guess I didn't sense the difference between openness and realness, I begin to realize how much out of touch I have been with my true self. I always looked outside to determine how to behave. I always tried to blend in one way or another. This isn't all bad, and I'm not saying I'll stop doing that. In fact at times, it's a really useful skill and a good talent to possess. But what has changed is that I'm starting to find and commit to who I am now. 

It's a very interesting area to inspect. First of all it's something I've always "known" was there. So it's a really funny and curious, the thought that I've actually never seen it before. It's as if I took it for granted. It's like suddenly noticing that you're breathing. You've always done it involuntarily, so it's weird to suddenly feel yourself willing every inhale to happen.

I have my boyfriend to thank for this discovery, on some level. He's the one person I know that is somehow the opposite of me: He's irrevocably himself. He can't (not a self-righteous "doesn't".. he literally CAN'T.) like stuff by default because it's socially acceptable. It always has to go through his own personal filter before his brain categorizes it under pass or fail. I never met a human like him before. It was all so new to me, this level of literally-personal taste. I guess, through some weird form of emotional/mental osmosis, and in a funny paradoxical rhetoric of fate (read: my over-adaptabilityness) it rubbed off on me. Or more likely, I subconsciously started considering this "me"-being hiding somewhere inside myself, who is non-negotiably herself and herself only. In knowing her I'm starting to find that I've got nothing real to lose by sticking to stuff closer to home, because I have a polestar in the form of her. I have a default setting. I already exist. As me. Flexibility is great and sometimes it's the one way to go, but lately it's become apparent that time is finite, and as one human being, this only makes me able to walk forward in time ONCE. My openness is good for synergy, but in synergy I do not have to BE others, I only need to be WITH them as efficiently as possible.

Sorry about my delay, universe. I'm just starting to realize how I'm myself and stuff. That Mulan song really hit it spot on kinda. I don't even fully recognize my own likeness in mirrors and photographs yet. I'm only coming to terms with all of this. But thanks for letting me know, and thanks for staying so weird and mysterious to me. It'd be boring otherwise.

Anyway, this post is called Eve, and yes, it isn't only about this personal eve of mine, but CHRISTMAS EVE! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! 

I thought long and hard about wearing my holiday outfit, I was half-thinking I should maybe save it for New Year, but Christmas won so this was what I wore tonight:

 In the spirit of Christmas honesty, (on Christmas you tell the truth), I would like to explain that these pictures that I took of myself make me look thin-ish. And I guess that's also how I see myself when I look at the mirror. But other angles in candid positions show me otherwise:

I'm clearly on the big side, especially around my arms. This isn't body-bashing, I'm just plainly saying that I'm not comfortable with this yet. I would like to get muuuch fitter. I've actually lost a bit of weight lately believe it or not. I've also started to eat a bit less. Pictures like this snap me out of the premature complacency slightly-looser clothes have been giving me. That's a good thing for my journey to realness. I can use all of the reality-checks I can get.

What's really cool is that mama gave me a juicer. I was like a child getting her first barbie. I will love making healthy stuff with this. I might also try to do a juice cleanse (proper one, not starving one).. I'm so excited about it, she looks like a little spaceship :3 I'm calling her Hannah. Cos that's soooo a vegan hippie girl name.

Sorry. Spirit of the night and wine is lulling me. To go. to. bed

Thursday, December 8, 2011

It's playtime. :)

It's somehow became a trend in everything I read lately: what people regret when they're dying. It showed up in the book I just read, It showed up blogposts and facebook newsfeed updates. All from different people. We are mortal beings. We will die someday. What we have here in front of us, the Now, is all we have at any given time. And one day we won't be conscious of it anymore. We will become unconscious earth matter again. Wasting time is a greater sin than wasting electricity, money, water, anything at all.

Something happened in first period made me disappointed in myself today. It made it so clear how I've let many things that are so near to me slip by. But I'd dare say that actually feeling disappointed by something like that is a HUGE improvement on my part. Because I see now, clearly, how things can be really better. Why it's important to try. Why it's not a big waste of energy. I see that picture in my head, I see what I'm missing. And it all came to me before it's too late.

I feel my higher Self calling out to me, telling me it's time for another paradigm shift.. (I hear Scott Pilgrim in my head: "One of your famous paradigm shifts?")

When I came home, I was so set on making things right. I had a flash of a magical feeling of presence during third period while watching a documentary about Global Warming and I was planning to use it to its full potential. But somehow the afternoon turned into playtime with my nieces. First I was teaching my 8-y/o niece new french words (she likes making me teach her some french that I learn from class) and my 3-y/o niece kept piping in and so I let her join us. Then it turned into a wonderful wonderful time. We practiced handshakes, little tickling rhymes, and other games. Then we pretended to be animals. I was so fully immersed in these activities, fully going for it, ignoring whatever it was in my head that was making me a bit embarrassed about how silly I was being. The distinction between the adult and the children disappeared. All that was left were three children, just one "leading" with more experience and knowledge under her belt. But all of the things we were doing were not below me at all. We were equals.

It's time to look at independent life as one huge playground.

Why? I just put some things together, very recent things (as if the universe was singing me a song), and it all made sense:

  1. It's useless to aim for "adultness". Because what is an adult anyway? Weren't we all kids at some point? What makes a kid any less of a human being than a fully grown human being apart from the fact that a child is new and has less responsibilities? I've always felt insecure about the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in a really childlike mindset. This has caused a lot of fear and resistance on my part. But I've now come to terms with the fact that there's nothing wrong with feeling like a kid having adult experiences. That maybe it's not me being a child. It's just who I really am, and that's okay. A person is a person is a person. I should apply the respect I have for children (trying to talk to them as equals instead of manipulating them with my advantages in practical knowledge and experience) to my own self. I am me no matter what age I am and I don't need to act in a way that isn't me.
  2. Playtime creates REAL dreams, goals, aims, personalities. I know that treating life like it's playtime and to not take it seriously seems irresponsible. But when I really think about it, when I used to play games as a kid, when I pretended I was a doctor, a mom, a talented violin player, in my head, it was pretty darn serious business. It felt important. It was just pretend, but I really lived and was present in those "characters" much more than I ever have been in my real adult life so far. Playtime generates REAL, USABLE LIFE ENERGY. And if I employ the same enthusiasm and presence to my life now, there will be far more resistance and more enjoyment in every step I take.
  3. It's all about self-validation. If this is what works for me, then I should use it! Awakening the child in me shakes off A LOT of the inhibition. It feels good being able to let go of all my preconceptions about how I should act. Or how I need to do things. Nobody else really knows what they're doing anyway.

Isn't this a more exciting concept anyway? Being a kid doing adult stuff? Having fun, doing what you want, but also KNOWING what you're doing and having the liberty to decide?

I agree. It definitely is. And if immersing myself in this paradigm shift is really all it takes for me to make the most of the time I've got left than isn't that just a classic case of "Back to Basics"? Ah well. I never would have really understood its importance the easy way.

Monday, December 5, 2011

The maintenance is just about as hard as the repair.

The teeniest tiniest push in the form of disorganized environment (having my nieces around or not having my planner around) sends me totally off-course! The first step that I always feel is crucial before I work on anything is organizing stuff around me, having the things I need already there, and the things I don't out of sight. But this sometimes is also my biggest enemy. I'm distracted even in this step and end up prolonging the process even more.

My book came in the mail recently.. It was less technical than I expected and a little too flowery than what I was hoping for BUT it stays true to what Esquire said about it. It really is a kick in the ass. It leaves you with ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE to be the piece of lazy lardmatter that you are. I can't say it makes you DO things, but it absolutely makes you realize that it's all in your hands. I haven't finished it yet and already it's put me into action in my poetry and writing. Too bad that's not what I really should be busy with yet.


In other news, this weekend has been about nursing one of my famous bed-riddenning periods and making time to accompany my mom shopping and stuff. I felt kind of bad when, I suggested going to Divi and got her excited about it, then I told her I can't go cos of a shoot. So when the opportunity arrived, because I realised I wasn't ready and therefore postponed, I didn't let my period stop me from going with her. Best decision of the year. She ended up buyin me some really awesome shoes, a couple watches, organizer boxes and shorts. Going with her was the only thing I did to deserve that?!?! Aren't mothers awesome? :) (It's also worth to note that the Sausage McMuffin she got me (and my bro) for breakfast was really good. It reminds me of Burger Shop 2, and now that I know how good it is the game will surely give me more of the munchies the next time I play it.) I ended up using up my whole allowance for the week, but oh well. I still have some money saved and they were all pretty good buys.

(click images for descriptions. you will be redirected to my tumblr to view these.)

Alright well, I don't think I should linger here, got stuff to do, way behind of a lot of things, so bye!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Sticking to it

"Once you learn how to quit, it becomes a habit."-Lombardi, Vince

I saw a guy walk down the corridor on Friday wearing a shirt with these words on it. I was sat on the side of the corridor waiting for the people still inside the classroom at about 11:15 to get out so I can get in for my 11:30 French class. My gaze lingered long after I've managed to actually read the words (he was walking after all) absorbing what that moment, seeing those words, just meant to me. And it did mean something to me. I usually scoff at anyone wearing any shirt with some unfunny/non-awe-inspiring/tacky quote on it but I've actually never read that quote before (I had to Google to find out who said it) and although it's not actually the most insightful thing I've ever read (there are far too many quotes in that nature, a lot of stuff out there far more striking) it actually did apply to me. I felt a light pang of guilt as I stopped looking at the guy's shirt and back to the floor.

(I WILL try to work on my parenthesis addiction do not worry)

Since my main vision for this blog is me sharing my .."story" from inaction to action and whatever comes after (I'm trying to make this sound as less narcissistic as possible, bear with me) I think it's only fit to introduce the antagonist of the story. But for the sake of avoiding the blame game, and knowing ultimately that we are all our own worst enemies in the fight of becoming -and the resistance to it-, let's call it the conflict of this story instead:

My inability to commit to anything.

And it's not so much looking at something I'm currently in the middle of and deciding "this is boring I don't want to do this anymore", but more of unconsciously swerving off the road and enjoying drawing donuts on the grass with my bicycle wheels, totally forgetting about what I'm supposed to be doing.

Same principle with entering a room and forgetting what you were meaning to retrieve by going there the second you walk in the door. The feeling of purpose stays there, bugging you: "THERE IS SOMETHING I TOTALLY NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW!!" but the object of that feeling somehow gets flushed by Jorge (little janitor guy in my head that keeps sweeps my immediate memory clean) down the toilet.

It wasn't always this way, I spent quite a few years trying to relax. I freaked out a lot when I was younger. I would dare say I was a bit of an over-achiever. Kind of. And I guess I've successfully relaxed myself during my college years. But with a price. Not much, if at all, achievements. But because of the chillax thing that wasn't much of a problem or cause for anxiety. I felt solid. One with the universe, Enlightened and all of that new-age crap. Until I started comparing myself to people that have "changed" so muuch. Then a dear friend made me realize that it only looks that way from the outside. I changed SO MUCH on the inside. And if we put two and two together maybe I grew up just as much as they did. But I started with internal battles instead of the outside. And boy was there a lot to change in my perceptions and motivations. I actually feel like I see the world now. And that I've gained a better understanding of things. Everything is so simple, and that's nice.

But see, when it comes to REAL ACTION (that yield tangible results), I've conditioned myself so much to let go that it keeps happening by default. I rationalize, put off, procrastinate, all in the subconscious impulse to feel okay. But recent events, a certain person in particular, had made me realize how boring that is and how much I'd rather take the bad with the really good rather than investing everything on being stable and safe in the middle.

My paradigm changed on that, but putting those words into actions is a different story. I'm still crossing that bridge right now as we speak.

I've read a lot of productivity and self-improvement tips, advice, and techniques in my long path of finding myself in my college years (has yielded a lot of eye-rolling, mostly on my part which can be disturbing), and I've learned that there is no way around consistency. There is a way around focus, there is a way around efficiency, there is a way around calmness, inspiration, motivation, creativity. But when it comes to sticking to things, there are no shortcuts. There may be techniques that will remind you to do stuff when you intended to, but in the end,  you just have to actually DO the stuff. I find this very hard because of my "out of mind, out of responsibility" default setting, which is great for peace of mind, but in life we have to keep improving, people. I feel ready to take on more than just my emotional well-being and calmness.

So yeah. There's me coming clean with my creativity's arch-enemy. Working my way through it, folks.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Five Favorite Things Friday!! V.2 (University Life Edition)

Look, look, I know it's a Sunday but it was the first week of classes and the pressure and exhaustion has gotten to me and I just had to hit the sack "early" friday night and have been making miniature sets with my crew today. And I wrote this list down while I was in the library friday morning, so it counts!

This week it's all about uni life because I just survived my first school week of my last semester in uni :)

1) Snacking
I am a heavy girly. This isn't a complaint or self-depreciation but simply a fact. I'm 5'4 and 130-140 pounds. I've got a wide frame, and I have a considerable amount of pooch at my belly. Therefore I benefit from anything that makes me stop stuffing my tummy too much. Snacking helps in this regard, especially for someone like me who has a schedule that is continuous. I didn't opt to have a lunch break this semester. I eat little amounts every three hours or so of anything at all. I eat like a hotdog and a bite of egg, or a banana and water before I leave my aunt's house where I stay during school days. Then around 11 o'clock I eat a single serving of Hello Panda or something. I eat mentos when I get sleepy in class, and then I eat a full dinner. Now of course my choices still need improvement, I don't really eat very healthy things but portion control is also an accomplishment!

Snacking > Eating three meals because: if I wait till I'm free to eat a full meal I usually feel hungry by then and tend to eat more.

Snacking = more yummyness, less calories, less stomach stretching, more munching! All goood.

2) Socks

This may sound like a weird one, and maybe it is, but let me explain: I walk a lot around campus, and my feet are annoyingly sensitive! Luckily I've invested (well my mom has I guess) on lots of pairs of new socks recently. And well I guess I've also worn my chucks in finally :) So now they're comfier.

Thanks to socks I was able to wear my shoes all four days instead of alternating with flip flops (:c) like before.

3) My foldable water anti-bottle.

It's very handy and I love how I can just chuck it in my bag when I'm done with it and it barely occupies any space. And I like having water around me at all times. I don't feel like I always have to buy refreshments. Saves money and lets me avoid unhealthier options.

4)My iPod
Walking just isn't the same without my background music. I love listening to stuff I just downloaded :)

5)Facial Moisturizer with sunscreen

I use this one.

It lets me feel good about what I'm doing to my body by walking in the sun without feeling bad about what I'm doing to my skin by walking in the sun.

In other news, last 11/11/11, the boyfriend has announced that he has already bought the tickets to come visit me next summer! Yup. Mother has been less than enthusiastic about the idea of having my boyfriend come live with us for two whole months, but I trust that my good boy will win her over.

In other other news, today my crew and I have started making sets for my film together. They are staying over the whole weekend. I hope we finish a huge chunk of the work this weekend.

I'm exhausted, but I feel that things are happening, and that feels nice. :)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

An Open Letter to MRT Commuters

(inspired by the post made by Miss Cat Triviño, which you can view here)

I'll make this short and sweet and simple, which is actually the point I will get to at the end of the day:

Let the passengers in the train alight first before you squeeze yourself in.

That's it! Amazingly simple right? But I've used the MRT quite a lot of times, and after all of the agitation and furiousness had melted away, I slowly just found myself highly (and sometimes quite sadly) amused by how completely LUDICROUS this behaviour is.

REALLY? You really believe the train is going to close right after it opens that you feel the need to push everyone inside BACK IN before they even get the chance to *gasp* HEAVEN FORBID, CLEAR A SPACE FOR YOU!!! OH NO!

Are you so set in getting a seat that it somehow suddenly makes sense to outrun the people inside the train wanting to come out? You do realize that you're not competing with them right? I mean they are facing the other way. Do you also force new trash into your waste bin and pull out the old trash one by one? Cos it's the same logic kind of.

It's SO BLEEPIN' SIMPLE. We were all born to discern this! While I'm at it, let me add:

  1. When someone goes to the platform right in front of the landing, you FOLLOW BEHIND THEM. You don't go beside them in football-defense mode inching your way to the door to get ahead of them. You're both getting in, and if not, that person reserves more of a right than you since they were there first! COMMON SENSE.
  2. Full things need to be emptied to carry more stuff.
  3. Friction decreases speed. The less space there is inside to move about, THE LONGER IT WILL TAKE FOR EVERYONE TO GET OUT/GET IN and therefore, the longer it will take you to get to your destination.

Let the passengers in the train alight first before you squeeze yourself in.

Note to Self V.1 (the PLASM troubleshooting technique)

Dear B,

You are such a scatterbrain. I understand though that when you feel drained, you find it easier to go on autopilot. For example, whenever you've just come home from school and are looking for something, you often open every zipper and look everywhere "instinctively" instead of just taking a moment to think about where it is and taking it. This is bad because you lose more time and energy by doing this. Your brain doesn't necessarily wear your body out if you think a little bit more about things, in fact your brain will thank you for the much needed exercise. Face it, you're past 20 and it's not getting any younger. Remember that episode on Discovery or Nat Geo about brain plasticity? You're not a kid anymore. Your child prodigy days are over and you slacked off towards the end. It's high bleepin' time you made up for that, which you already know, but have a hard time doing something about.

You need something that's easy to absorb and digest to keep you on track. I know how you've been reading lots of books and articles to help yourself, but you have NO WILLPOWER WHATSOEVER and when you're in that autopilot vegetable state, there's little hope for comprehension of any long-winded statement or wisdom nugget to put you back on track. You just do what you do when you do what you do. (QED, you use that statement a lot. More than you should.)

Well, we (you and me, which is.. really just me :c) deviced a five-step, single-word "mantra" for you to remember. A whole method condensed into bite-sized words, aimed to make functionality more accessible to you. Or us. Or me. (:c)

Oh, and look! I just wrote them down right now and realized that the five initials of the words actually form the word "Plasm". (kind of nothing short of perfect I guess for brain-exercising and retention of plasticity cos according to this, "plasm", coming from the word "plasma", means "to mold" in latin.) I actually thought of this a while ago, just the main germ of it, though. You already know this, cos you were there too, but well in case your/our/my(that sounds crazy) memory needs refreshing:

I was in the middle of an autopilot fit, and much worse, I was already aware of it and panicking. When this happens I usually end up talking to myself. And I did. I heard myself say "OKAY, SHUSH. Stop. Aim. Fire." as if I was talking about shooting targets. First I thought: "Bea get a grip wtf are you talking about you sound crazy etc etc etc." Then I realized that in a way, it wasn't so crazy. I was shooting items off of to-do lists. I suddenly realized the hidden wisdom behind the word Troubleshooting (okay, it was probably not hidden at all, but well, as life has taught me many times, to learn on the think-level is different from learning on the do-level). 

Now B, here are the complete steps of your new mantra(I HOPE YOU USE IT):

  1. Pause. Stop yourself dead on your tracks the second you observe yourself going on autopilot. It's hard to take action right away when you're at it, so your first step is achieving non-action. Be still. When you realise you're going the wrong way you have to stop before you turn back. Stop, relax, recollect yourself. But only for a second. Once you're there,
  2. Look. Observe the problem or situation ahead. What are you doing exactly? Where are you in the process? What is its significance? What's the problem? What needs solving? What is your goal? Imagine it clearly and
  3. Aim. What should you be doing to get there? Where do you need to go? Begin with the end in mind. Plan the steps. For a big project, plot your save points. Build a map of action. This is where "work smart, not hard" comes in. It doesn't matter how many bullets you get off if they're all aimless. Don't waste your ammo. Be precise. Try to make every action count.
  4. Shoot. Put your plans and ideas into action. Always the step you miss, but your chances are higher when you combine it with the rest of this method. Just DO THE WORK.
  5. Maintain. Do it again. Make it a habit. This is your biggest problem area so far. You do it right the first few times, but you don't keep at it. Don't stop shooting until the zombie is dead. Then start shooting the next upcoming zombie. This step makes this whole method come full circle. This step reminds you that you can, and must keep going. This tells you, after you become productive, to stay productive. This is the clasp that keeps the bracelet from falling off. This is th-you probably get it by now. 
Again: Pause, Look, Aim, Shoot, Maintain. I hate to be so anal about it, but to change stubborn people like you takes a lot of creativity.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Five Favorite Things Friday!

I guess it's time that I make a weekly theme post? I also want to eventually do the fitness friday thing, but maybe I can just do both bi-monthly cos I'm a greedy b-turd. But for now Fridays will be for Five Favorite things! Because I loved the Sound of Music and thinking of my favorite things works really well for me in terms of improving my mood.

1. Mentos!

Doodoodoodoodoodoo, doo waaaaaaah~It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life.. With Mentos fresh and full of life! Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, WITH MENTOS FRESH AND FULL OF LIFE! Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, fresh goes better with Mentos fresh and full of life! Mentos: The Freshmaker.

My earliest memory of mentos was staying in some lovely hotel (shangri-la is my best guess) and my mom handing me TWO TUBES of Mentos, telling me that I shouldn't eat them too fast. One spearmint and one peppermint. And I loved them all my life.

It's not a very constant love affair, I sometimes forget about them, but when I remember them and eat them again after a long hiatus, they make me feel really tingly inside! Just yesterday I bought a bag of mini mentos because I just wanted some laying around in case I felt like having them. The smaller tubes help me take control of the situation more, the other time my mom bought four big (regular) tubes of Mentos, I pringled the shit out of two whole tubes in one day. (Popped and didn't stop)

2. Scott Pilgrim
I just find the whole thing really cute, I watched the movie again, which is saved in my "U R MY FAVE" folder, and I felt the urge to download ALL THE COMICS and ran with it.

Now, I know how painfully typical it is to identify with Ramona Flowers, but I'm owning it because:

  1. She is so cute, and M.E. Winstead's broad shoulders (at least next to Michael Cera) make me feel confident about my manly ones. Also I remember my friend Pia comparing me to her in her Sky High days, I guess because of her huge eyes and stuff. Now, I don't have any illusions about that being true at all, but it was still flattering.
  2. The name Ramona. I'm kind of a daddy's girl and my dad's name was Ramon. So Ramona is like.. A girl Ramon? And she's like, a "ninja courier" and I'm so asian and ..Courier is my favorite font and stuff? Yeah. It totally makes sense.
  3. Her clothes are so my thing. I love that whole look. And that exact shade of nailpolish she was wearing in this scene? I've had it since last christmas B-) Way before I even saw the movie, not to mention I've always loved blue hair. So yeah. I'm not fighting my Ramona fangirlism.

    My clothes, still on the floor from when i tore them all of in once piece, cartoon-style.

3.This video! Precious family.

To any of you who haven't heard, Jimmy Kimmel, on his show, challenged parents to trick their kids into thinking that they ate all of their Halloween candy. This video is a crowd favorite, and also my personal favorite among all of the entries!! This twosome is just the sweetest two little boys I've ever seen! The older brother CJ is so calm, collected, smart, and mature for his age. Jake is super cute and sounds like Huey, Dewey or Louie Duck!

But the cutest thing about this video, and I'm sure that a lot of people share this opinion with me, is how this family treats each other. It's very clear that the mom raised the kids well with how they talk to her and to each other. CJ is more worried about mom having a bellyache than losing the actual candy, explaining that he enjoys the act of Trick or Treating more than the candy itself. They respect her when she says something (follows instantly when she asks them to do something, like stop jumping on the couch), but also feel confident enough to express their disapproval and to reason with her. My favorite moment is at 2:18 where little jake tries to add two and two and his hand puts up four fingers but he can't say the number. CJ comes to his rescue and whispers "four" but he mimics too early and thought he said five, so he says five. CJ charmingly smiles, apologizes and reassures his brother saying "It's actually four, but Jake you were so close."

4.Murdering Fruits in the Blender
Great alternative to softdrinks, not that I'll ever go cold turkey on Coke. luhh dat isht.

When my mom called me one day, telling me that she'd be going to the grocery on her way home, she asked me if I needed anything, and I requested if she could buy some mixed greens and/or frozen berries for smoothies. She brought home 2 kilograms of frozen strawberries and two bags of other assorted berries. Ever since then we have been putting the blender to regular use, just making ourselves fruity smoothies and juices. And it's actually very filling to be honest. :) And healthy obviously.

5. Childhood snacks!

You know, the sort that we used to always bring to school for snack time. Juices in Tetra Packs, Japanese sticks with dipping cream, wafers... Today I had some blissful moments eating my strawberry Yan Yan and some tetra pack blueberry yoghurt drink!

What are your Five Favorite Things of the week? List them down, let them make you feel all tingly inside!

Friday, November 4, 2011

Be good to yourself, everyone else will follow.

this post is text-heavy so i'm making up for it with a screenshot of the hottest cop ever (and i dont even like cops)

Rhodes: We're not all bad.
Annie: (starts engine, doesn't hear) What?
Rhodes: (tries to talk louder)I just sa--.. We're not all bad.
Annie: Oh, yeah.
Rhodes: Actually the rest of them are, but not me. I'm the best of them.
Annie: Kay, thank you.
Rhodes: Anyway.. (waves)
Annie: (driving away) Thank you!

Isn't Nathan Rhodes just a dreamboat? Vulnerable, genuine, caring, sweet, funny, but can also be at-your-face when you need a good slappin on the butt. ....A good ol' G-RATED slapping on the butt.

Bridesmaids Poster

My best friend Carmen visited me two days ago after a long dry season in our friendship and we ended up watching Bridesmaids, laughing our lungs out, and having squeal fits over Officer Rhodes, played by "the Irish Seth Rogen": Chris O'dowd (tell me i'm not the only one that noticed this). I'd already seen and enjoyed it (IMMENSELY) before and thought of C instantly since it was about girls and best-friendships and changes and all.

I'll be honest here, I have been feeling very hopeless about my friendships lately, or well, the days preceding that day I finally got to see C again.  I thought it was already at the point of no return with my old friends, her included. And it wasn't an issue of replacement with new friends. I simply just felt that I had NO real friends anymore. We consider each other best friendssesses, and we are, but in reality we don't get to see each other much. With graduating students, when it comes down to juggling school that can possibly ruin your life (or at least your confidence in it) if you don't do it right, and friends that will love you no matter what you do, maintaining your relationship with the latter just gets pushed and pushed for later.

In the end, all of the bad stuff I felt seemed very silly when we hung out again. I know she sort of feels a bit silly too, I know that the idea of our relationship's ultimate eventual demise has crossed and bothered her mind, like it did mine (we talked about it). In the end, I realized that if everyone saw through each other's eyes and grew relationships that somehow seem to dissolve egos in a magical way, a safe "place" where you know that you are loved and accepted and understood, (and if not, acknowledged and sincerely welcomed to explain yourself) then nobody will ultimately feel abandoned. They will understand what causes people's shortcomings towards them and will eventually play on their loved one's side against the problem, instead of on their own side against their loved ones and whatever is "wrong" with them. It's impossible to hold a grudge in relationships that are so open and sincere and open to vulnerability, and I'm so lucky to have people in my life, a lover and a best friend that I can be like that with.

It's easy to generalize a bunch of things when you come across ONE EXAMPLE of it that affects you in a big way, especially negatively. This doesn't only apply to situations and things as described above, but also to people. One man who's abandoned your mother and siblings becomes another man that abandons you and your kids, therefore all men are a ticking time bomb, waiting for the first chance to explode into coldness, disinterest, confusion, boredom, and to start something with "someone new". And well, always being the "someone old" can be pretty sickening, that the easiest route to feeling okay again is to just console yourself with the thought that all of men are like that. Or worse, that something is wrong with you and you're just not lovable in "that way". Exactly in the way we judge one person's symptom as representative of their whole being, even though we haven't given them a real chance to show us what that is, we also generalize certain groups of people in the way they deal with things.

To be honest, I don't think the similarities are intrinsic to them. If you'll allow me, I'd like to go out on a limb and infer that it's our uncalled-for defenses that make the symptoms repeat themselves over and over. We protect ourselves from feeling a certain horrible feeling again, and this is only natural. But as we do these weather-proofing things (example: giving too much so that someone would keep loving you, trying to "catch" someone before they do something bad) we generally just give off a vibe of detachment from each other.

Another thing we might consider is the idea that when we get treated the same way over and over again, maybe it's because the previous devaluing has made us devalue ourselves, and as a result we act as if we're not worth what we're worth, and most importantly, we associate and surround ourselves with the same kind of relationships. And sometimes the wrong kind of people. (I don't mean "wrong kind" as if there's actually a wrong kind of person, because like I said everyone just has their own struggles that only they can see, but in this life we only have so little time and it's not our job to fix everybody we meet or wait for everybody to change. The right kind of person is somebody who compliments you wherever you are in your life's journey. All I'm saying is: Cover your own ass before you try covering anyone else's.)

This whole post (which has gotten very long I apologize) is for the good ones, and the ones that can't find them. We should never make ourselves believe that the good ones don't exist, lest they actually come along and we won't be able to notice them. You'll never know who might pull up in a cop car being all Irish and cute and creampuff-loving and offering you baby carrots. (I'm talking to you, Annie. You lucky baker.)

But even more important than finding good ones out there to fulfill holes in ourselves, we should look inwards and find the good one inside of us. We should look at ourselves with the same mercy and empathy that we'd offer for anyone that we have that certain unconditional love for. Stop waiting for your wholeness to come from somebody else and grow it within you. Raise your self-value until you get to that place wherein you feel rightfully entitled to claim what you feel you deserve. And I'm partly, if not mostly talking to myself here. Stop acting as if everything is trying to get away from you and just BE someone so happy that it makes people happy to be around you.

PS: I hope everyone who's reading this has seen Bridesmaids already, and if not, well I hope this makes you check it out. As a film critic, I'd say it was ok, but as a Bea, I say it's really hilarious and combo-punches all that gut-busting Kristen Wiig humor with the fact that the film actually makes you think.

Monday, October 31, 2011

How to keep the bathroom floor* dry when you shower. For slobs like me Vol.1 (Plus really cool hair-washing tips, you're welcome.)

Here at B's How-To Factory, not only is she concerned in sharing with you the bigger how-to's that she discovers in life as she finds them, but also the little things that make trivial day-to-day stuff a bit better, one way or another. (Along with taking the piss and making other random lists just because she can.)

Today she has found herself needing to shower in her mother's bathroom once more, for she is still out of shampoo in her own bathroom. Ah, yes my friends: B lives at home. She lives there with her mom, two older brothers, and one younger brother who is still in school like she is.  This isn't a very odd predicament where she is from. Now that we have got that little bit of information out of her, because boy oh boy isn't it exciting when bloggers divulge a bit of personal information here and there, we shall now make her stop referring to herself in third person because let's face it, she is the only one writing this (and reading this kind of) after all.

So yes, as I was saying, I was going to take a shower in my mother's bathroom. And I guess, because I've been on a journey of only learning NOW how to really pick up after myself, (yes, after 21 years folks) I somehow, in the middle of rinsing, came up with the amazing idea that maybe I didn't have to mop the floor with my used clothes this time (too graphic for you? I really do that). Usually after I shower, I get the floor very wet because of having to walk across the bathroom to even dry myself. I was somehow especially conscientious today and thought maybe there was *gasp* ..another way..

Maybe I should just ....not wet the floor* in the first place??!!

*with "bathroom floor", i meant the space of floor that goes beyond what is meant to be used for showering and bathing. Of course there is nothing that can be done for the space right below the showerhead. I apologize for every single one of you who came here looking for a magic trick. I'm sure a lot of you did because this is the internet. Don't worry, maybe in the future I'll eventually do a post about magic tricks, this is a how-to blog after all (albeit a very personal one)..I guess keep an eye on it and you'll find out!

How to Not Wet the Floor in the First Place:

  1. Keep your "tools" within reach.
  2. source

     Before you shower, place the towel/s you will be using somewhere in arm's reach from where you're showering without having to step out from the assigned showering area. Do this with use of a towel rack if you have one that is near the shower, or even a dry sink.

  3. Minimize the damage
    He's letting the curtain do all the caring for him.
    Limit the amount of water that splashes outside the assigned area WHILE you shower. Of course a lot of us don't even really notice this, but here are a few tips that might be useful:
    1. Invest in a shower curtain if your showering area isn't enclosed. In my particular case I don't actually have a shower curtain in my own bathroom, but what I do instead is to make sure the showerhead isn't facing too far away, and that the water projectile is aimed at the tub, where I shower. In this particular instance where I've done it successfully however, it was because my mom's shower area is enclosed. Heh.
    2. Be mindful of what you're doing. While getting yourself squeaky clean, it's not only good to be mindful because of the dry-floor benefits. You are also more likely to be able to apply these nice showering tips:
      1. Rinse shampoo and conditioner with cold water to seal cuticles for healthier shinier hair!
      2. Shampoo near the scalp starting from the nape (to prevent hairloss where it's visible), condition near the ends (that's where hair usually gets dry cos it's farther from sebum-producing roots).
    3. ....That's.. it, actually.

  4. Calm down.
    Boob-shaped gel dispensers highly unrecommended for floor dryness. This is a guy who is too excited in the shower if I ever saw one.
    Don't get too excited to step out of the showering area. I know it's part of routine and it's a method that's tricky to not snowball into, but it's crucial in our important work of floor-dryness. (Please stop looking at the boobs now) It's also part of why it's good to be mindful of what we're doing most of the time. (This isn't only a good idea in terms of showering. I once got hit in the eye with a bamboo stick during dance practice because my dance partner's mind was somewhere else during rehearsal. We were supposed to make the sticks hit each other [her attacking, me shielding] and make a loud noise, so she whacked it full force towards me.. a count too early. Don't worry, my eye is intact. My face cushioned the blow. I had a slash-shaped bruise for two weeks. It's been five years and I still remember. Do you want to be someone a random blogger mentions in an unnecessar[il]y long parenthesis because of not paying attention ESPECIALLY when you absolutely had to? I didn't think so.) 

  5. Imagine A Portal.
    Enter a world of dryness.. Hm. That somehow didn't sound as appealing as I thought it would.
    Imagine an invisible vertical border that separates the inside of the shower area to the rest of the bathroom. Every time a part of you passes the border, you have to take measures with your magic tools that will enable you to enter this magical world of dryness. What I'm simply trying to describe here is the method of drying parts of yourself as you cross the border. Personally, I squeezed excess water from my hair and wrapped it with a towel first because it's freakishly long and therefore hold a lot of moisture, then I dried my body with a separate towel, and lift the first foot, dry it up to the leg, and put it down. Then I do the same to the other foot while keeping it in the border, then pull it out and put it down when it's dry.

    Et Voila! You now know how to use other people's bathrooms without pissing them off about slippery wet floors! Your roomate-able points have just increased! 

    You're welcome.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Putting myself on a "diet".

I've been all over Tumblr lately, scanning through the fitblrs that I followed recently. When I started thinking about wanting to fix up my diet and activity levels in alignment with my goals, to be honest I wasn't feeling very enthused. In my mind, I was looking forward to it, but was missing that real KICK in the gut that tells you you're really up for it. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Anyway, looking at other people's progress really did it for me. Also, habitually reading REAL ADVICE FROM REAL EXPERTS(I'm not being paid for any of my links so you know I genuinely was influenced by these people) really got me hyped up about it. Nothing like too-obvious marketing schemes to get me all soft and turned off about fitness. I really didn't like the idea of short, get-results-quick diets, I can never get myself to trust them because of what I know now: Long term results are a result of long term changes. You can't expect to stay fit if you go back to eating junk after a crash diet. What you put inside manifests in your appearance, and that's not magic. It's math. Cause and effect. Burn less than you consume*, and you build a pile of interest in body lard.

*more or less, although that's not all that there is to it! when it comes to long term health, especially

A real expert will also tell you, and I'm saying real expert here as somebody who sees the bigger picture. Some people out there really know what it takes to stay looking fit but they seem kind of obsessed with it, and are thus not really healthy in the fullest sense of the word. A real expert will tell you that what really matters is health, not appearance. Not numbers, but how you feel inside. A real expert will let you focus on balance, and ask you to be good to yourself above anything else.

I thought of something I'd like to call the Feel Good Diet, but I can't because someone apparently called their book that already. But hey, if you promise not to tell anyone,,,,,

This is how it goes:

  1. I'll try to keep a supply of fruits and veggies and tea available for breakfast and lunch, and eat those by default. I will make those more available, because out of sight, out of mind. And honestly, the last thing you wanna be doing on a groggy morning is to toil and stare at food you shouldn't eat (and, after 15 minutes of walking past, end up eating anyway. and then some.). I'll satisfy myself with nutritious food before I even run to a whole bowl of ice cream in desperation caused by deprivation. No rules here, but there's a hierarchy.  For example, at breakfast I'll aim for raw vegan (fruit smoothies, or fruits, tea) and if not (I'm on a student budget and can only eat what's available usually), I can have something that's processed or cooked like oatmeal or cereal or baked sweet tomato or something, but still vegetarian, then eggs, and at the very bottom is eggs and meat. Why? Not because I'm an animal activist, not because I believe everything I've read in Skinny Bitch, but because it doesn't make me feel good, which is kind of the point.
  2. If I honestly actually CRAVE for anything, I'll go eat it. Slowly. And with each bite I'll linger and enjoy all of the different tastes, and after each bite I'll pause and ask myself if I actually want another. I'll stop when the craving has been satiated. I'll stop if I don't crave it anymore. Maybe I'll keep it for later, or maybe I'll give it to someone else. The point is to only eat bad stuff when I enjoy every morsel, instead of aiming to finish a serving. I can eat a serving of healthy food freely because they're good for me. It might seem like too much work to think about EVERY SINGLE BITE (or spoonful, whatever applies. sometimes a spoonful = 2 bites), but I believe that if I keep that up in a long enough time to create a path in my brain (21 days), my brain will pick it up and start doing the rejecting of the next bite that I don't want on its own. I'd get used to refusing what I don't want in the first place, and that's big for a compulsive eater. That's why we even get fat. We hit a slippery slope and go "oh well, I already started eating this cake, might as well finish all the portions" Mind you, this forming-a-habit thing applies to almost everyone. The brain responds to repetitive, rewarded acts (google: dopamine). And your reward will be how good you feel afterwards.
  3. I won't blacklist anythingI can eat ANYTHING if I wanted to. I believe that most of the time, when we snack mindlessly, we don't really enjoy the food. We just enjoy and maintain the feeling of taking and tasting and chewing, even to the point where we can barely even taste what we're eating. So I'll try to keep that distinction and only eat what I enjoy. What I feel will do my body good, or sends my tongue on some magical adventure. If you think about it, when you eat a large serving of fries, for example, the level of enjoyment doesn't really match the actual simplicity of the taste. it's salt and potatoes, but due to conditioning, we feel the need to eat so much of it. What I'm trying to do is to get myself used to the healthy stuff, and fill myself with those, and to enjoy myself more with the more indulgent stuff, which, I think, will ultimately lead me to eating less of it. It will also repair my taste that has been desentisized by food that is too sweet or salty.
  4. This last one I've known for quite a while but still find difficult to do at times because of the condition of life we're in where we're well-oiled gears in some sort of consuming machine. We don't really put our attention to the present moment. This will be a good exercise for me, then. I will engage all of the senses while eating. This leads to me eating slower, with amplified reactions. More enjoyment for less calories over time. More awareness of the Now.
A couple of years ago I went vegetarian for two months and I noticed my tastes radically change. Crap I used to eat really started to taste a bit like crap, and enjoying healthy stuff became natural.

Another thing I have a problem with is the guilt associated with not finishing everything. This was also addressed by Margaret Cho's "Fuck It" Diet, which I REALLY recommend for anyone who's feeling desperate. I'm not even just talking to the overweights. Anorexics, I'm talking to you too. When I read that I eventually reached the point that (honestly I thought I read it there, but reviewing it now, it's not there. It's my own brainabrain's doing) you're not wasting anyone's efforts, like harvesting grains of rice, by not eating everything, because you already paid for what you took. Nobody's gonna take money from them because someone down the line, some end user didn't eat the last spoonful. And the reason why farmers farm is because of money. The big men got paid whatever lump of interest they applied on top of those farmers' grains of rice too, and that's all that matters to them. Don't obesify yourself over it. Or better yet, just STOP HEAPING THE GODDAMNED PLATE

What I took most from that article is how giving yourself freedom and love is the best way to getting over bad relationships with food. It's either you hate yourself for eating, or you feel like you're deprived so you get a lot of it, and quick. I've noticed that when I'm in a healthy relationship with food, I find it easier to hide the second kitkat back into the wrapping paper and save it in my bag for later. And that gives me a reward at the end of the day, when I can actually use the chocolate pick-me-up.

Another person who deserves thanks is JennaMarbles. When she did that video about her diet and exercise, the pressure that I didn't even know was on me about the vegetarian/vegan label was lifted off. I don't need to commit to NEVER EATING MEAT EVER or reach phony status, because I EAT vegetarian/vegan food, and it doesn't have to be a label as in I AM this or that. Don't make it weird. I somehow always felt weird about that anyway. I wanna eat vegan because it gives me, personally, more energy and makes me feel great. And in the end that's what's food is all about before it got blown up to this whole... moral debate. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about animal rights and humane farming conditions, but I mean, if I kill my chicken in a moral way please let me eat it. Animals eat animals too, you know.

Anyway, as usual this post was too long and I totally worship you if you finished it at all. I'm now going to live life and actually try to apply all of what I've written now. That's why I wrote it. To keep myself accountable, cos here this is for anyone to see (my boyfriend especially). Not that it's that hard to do. How hard should it really be to love yourself?


Well, Hi! .. I guess..
Holy christ, this is a big thing! I'm starting a brand-spankin' new blog, and I'll be honest: I feel very self conscious about this opening for some reason. These will be the first words! This will be the first entry! Aaaaaargh! 

...Oh no I've blown it! Aaaargh!

There. Now that that's out of the way I can work on making it better from now on. Can't disappoint them later on if you start out from the bottom.

I started this blog wanting to kind of record my way up from the huge slump I've had since freshman year of college. Yep. I get dreams sometimes, kinda nightmarish ones, I'm in my high school with my friends, and it dawns on all of us that we're about to graduate high school! This will all be over soon! Everything we've ever known, we'll have to leave behind. The buildings, the hangouts, the campus that feels like home.. (I have been going there since I was six) We're leaving all of it and starting new lives apart. Then I wake up and realize that there's nothing to worry about, it's already been done. I'm actually just about to graduate from COLLEGE in a few months*.

*it actually took two more years.

Oh. Thanks, Real Life, for consoling me. I guess...

While struggling (with myself) to complete my thesis, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and troubleshooting about my life, where I want it to go, and who I want to be. All of this made way for this nifty little baby right here:

With the help of the article Design your Life by Tina Su on, I was able to kind of organize in my head and pinpoint where I really want my attention and energy to go from now on. I listed out what is most important to me, and how I feel about these specific facets at the moment. This way, when I make my resolutions or goals or generally decide on what to do next, I have this to guide me and help me aim my efforts to results that will actually make me feel happy.

Don't get me wrong, this doesn't solve everything. I still have to work on whatever I want to achieve. Some of us just need a stronger push than others, and I'm waaaay past the stage of denying that I'm one of those people. I need constant motivation and discipline, which I've honestly been trying to give myself all these years, it's worked out for the most part in consoling me and keeping my head under water, but that's not how I want to live my life. I want something more than just realizing it's okay even if I fail.

So here's to the start of a new blog, and hopefully a new lifestyle.

And yeah, duh, here's to hope itself. Us grouches need a load of that.