Saturday, November 19, 2011

Sticking to it

"Once you learn how to quit, it becomes a habit."-Lombardi, Vince

I saw a guy walk down the corridor on Friday wearing a shirt with these words on it. I was sat on the side of the corridor waiting for the people still inside the classroom at about 11:15 to get out so I can get in for my 11:30 French class. My gaze lingered long after I've managed to actually read the words (he was walking after all) absorbing what that moment, seeing those words, just meant to me. And it did mean something to me. I usually scoff at anyone wearing any shirt with some unfunny/non-awe-inspiring/tacky quote on it but I've actually never read that quote before (I had to Google to find out who said it) and although it's not actually the most insightful thing I've ever read (there are far too many quotes in that nature, a lot of stuff out there far more striking) it actually did apply to me. I felt a light pang of guilt as I stopped looking at the guy's shirt and back to the floor.

(I WILL try to work on my parenthesis addiction do not worry)

Since my main vision for this blog is me sharing my .."story" from inaction to action and whatever comes after (I'm trying to make this sound as less narcissistic as possible, bear with me) I think it's only fit to introduce the antagonist of the story. But for the sake of avoiding the blame game, and knowing ultimately that we are all our own worst enemies in the fight of becoming -and the resistance to it-, let's call it the conflict of this story instead:

My inability to commit to anything.

And it's not so much looking at something I'm currently in the middle of and deciding "this is boring I don't want to do this anymore", but more of unconsciously swerving off the road and enjoying drawing donuts on the grass with my bicycle wheels, totally forgetting about what I'm supposed to be doing.

Same principle with entering a room and forgetting what you were meaning to retrieve by going there the second you walk in the door. The feeling of purpose stays there, bugging you: "THERE IS SOMETHING I TOTALLY NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW!!" but the object of that feeling somehow gets flushed by Jorge (little janitor guy in my head that keeps sweeps my immediate memory clean) down the toilet.

It wasn't always this way, I spent quite a few years trying to relax. I freaked out a lot when I was younger. I would dare say I was a bit of an over-achiever. Kind of. And I guess I've successfully relaxed myself during my college years. But with a price. Not much, if at all, achievements. But because of the chillax thing that wasn't much of a problem or cause for anxiety. I felt solid. One with the universe, Enlightened and all of that new-age crap. Until I started comparing myself to people that have "changed" so muuch. Then a dear friend made me realize that it only looks that way from the outside. I changed SO MUCH on the inside. And if we put two and two together maybe I grew up just as much as they did. But I started with internal battles instead of the outside. And boy was there a lot to change in my perceptions and motivations. I actually feel like I see the world now. And that I've gained a better understanding of things. Everything is so simple, and that's nice.

But see, when it comes to REAL ACTION (that yield tangible results), I've conditioned myself so much to let go that it keeps happening by default. I rationalize, put off, procrastinate, all in the subconscious impulse to feel okay. But recent events, a certain person in particular, had made me realize how boring that is and how much I'd rather take the bad with the really good rather than investing everything on being stable and safe in the middle.

My paradigm changed on that, but putting those words into actions is a different story. I'm still crossing that bridge right now as we speak.

I've read a lot of productivity and self-improvement tips, advice, and techniques in my long path of finding myself in my college years (has yielded a lot of eye-rolling, mostly on my part which can be disturbing), and I've learned that there is no way around consistency. There is a way around focus, there is a way around efficiency, there is a way around calmness, inspiration, motivation, creativity. But when it comes to sticking to things, there are no shortcuts. There may be techniques that will remind you to do stuff when you intended to, but in the end,  you just have to actually DO the stuff. I find this very hard because of my "out of mind, out of responsibility" default setting, which is great for peace of mind, but in life we have to keep improving, people. I feel ready to take on more than just my emotional well-being and calmness.

So yeah. There's me coming clean with my creativity's arch-enemy. Working my way through it, folks.

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