the lovely way there

written @ midnight before easter

today was lovely.

i woke up to the sound of my brother knocking on my door, telling me that mama said we're going out to eat and shop at Paseo. It was my older brother's birthday recently and because he wasn't home the entire time, mama wanted to take advantage of the weekend to buy him something nice.

We had brunch at Cafe Breton. The ambiance and the food was lovely. I didn't bring my camera, and I don't regret it one bit. At times like this a good camera phone would be handy, because I'm simply not willing to lug a giant camera around and ruin the moments as they come. I kept thinking about Emmy and how interesting he would find the place to be, being an actual Breton himself XD I imagined him picking the menu apart... He certainly wouldn't miss the "Bon apetit" on the very cover ^^

We went around to look for jeans for Nikko, but the heat was unbearable and we ended up just getting some groceries (in my case, going around and around and around looking at interesting stuff at True Value after showing them where the dog food was), deciding to just do the jeans shopping tomorrow. However, on the way home Nikko asked mama if she could just treat him with the game he wanted to buy in the first place XD

She agreed, so after going home, Nikko and Monji went back to paseo to buy rice and Nikko's computer game.

Shortly afterwards, Fr. Ernie and a friend of his arrived to have lunch at our place. I prepared a simple salad for them. And then shortly before them leaving came some of our relatives who wanted to go to Tagaytay, who ended up just staying over!


I set myself to write ten pages each day from Today 'till Thursday, but obviously this first day didn't really go as planned. I spent most of the afternoon hanging out with the kids, who I wished, but didn't think, were coming. The teens and adults of my generation hung out at the balcony to drink in a circle.

(from abbie's IG tengs abi)

I joined them too, for a little while, but I mostly just feasted on the snacks and gulped a bit of sprite-vodka and had some laughs and weird discussions about hilarious and inappropriate stuff before I was asked to watch over the kids who wanted to come back upstairs to my room... I love these kids (and it felt weird to drink at a time like this anyway) so of course I came upstairs with them again, and hung out some more. In case you have NO IDEA what "fun stuff" a 22-year old can possibly do with a 5, 9 and 13 year old, there's a lot!:

• weird, surprisingly dangerous bowling with 2L mtn dew bottles and a stuffed soccerball
• a lot of Flow Free (a game which Nica, the 5 y/o was FREAKISHLY good at!)
• while talking about A LOT OF STUFF
• potential creepy, ghostly scenarios
• life in general
• hilarious stuff that happened to us in school (im so happy i can remember a lot from gradeschool)
• embarassing stuff that happened to us in school
• hilarious everything else (kids are funny okay)
• adventure time of course
• some brilliant drum-tap-thing with pens
• drawings

So yeah! Now my room looks like this:

(eep im so happy about the way this nook turned out! there's like, a pathway for the bathroom door haha)

I went downstairs to check on Sansa and saw her in her cage, lying on her back, stretching her front paws towards me like a baby reaching up to be carried. Haha! It was so freakin cute and hilarious, I wish I took a picture! After realising that the belly rubs weren't making her fall asleep, I decided to let her out and rubbed her belly after making her lie down on one of her usual spots beside a sofa. She still wasn't feeling sleepy. She followed me around for a bit as I poked at things in the kitchen and made myself some tea, and then she went to the rug and peed properly. As if it wasn't enough, I opened the side door and she went out to poo at her spot outside!!!! I had applause go off in my head I was so happy!

GOOD GIRL!

And so yeah, even though I probably won't finish 10 pages before I sleep today, sitting here in my spot (well, lying down on my belly right now), thinking about the wonderful day that just came and went, I can't help but feel calmer and not too focused on my ultimate dream of graduating so much that I lose sight of what's important in life and the little dreams that keep coming true every day.

Great family day full of fun activities, having my nieces and youngest cousin around to play and have fun with, seeing my older cousins have so much fun together by just sitting in a circle, having a room I love to bits, being able to borrow a laptop 24/7 even after losing my own, great food, being able to eat healthily even though I'm stressed (fruits in a blender a-plenty), having the special gugo bark shampoo my mom gave me (thank you so much mama) after finding out that my hair was falling out due to stress work SO FREAKISHLY WELL, having an inside dog that is so awesome and loves me so much ~~~ the journey towards the goal certainly is lovely.

It just feels that being able to graduate isn't really for me anymore, because I'm really fine. This life is good to me. Finishing school would be a way to give back to my mom, who has provided me with everything I need and so much more. And that's what should drive me. It's the least I could do, to make her proud.

I really hope I make it!!! Please send me ALL of the good vibes you can muster. I really need them!

xxx

PS: these kids are funny even while asleep. two are sleep-talkers and one is a snorer. hahahaha

like fire

these are the kinds of days where two showers are necessary

and sometimes not even enough

when you wonder if you've been eating more than your share

because you've bloated, and then you realise it's the heat

and that you're expanding

you're pieces of matter after all,

even though sometimes you forget

it's not pretty

to be in between two sizes

you've been here before

a nine year old

feeling sexless and free

only to come home to a mother telling you 

that you need to wear something under your shirt

because your breasts betray the youth 

that has been everything you knew

up to that point

and here you are again

wondering about the next shape you'll take

it's days like these where you try to escape your body

sleeping more often than usual

mind racing, impossible to pin down

to the one task you know you need to commit to

if you're ever to leave this phase

you're hot, molten metal

but your final form is still

peaceful, purposeful

solid enough to permeate 

and to leave a mark.

the sun is testing you

and there is no way out of the heat

for now

to be enlightened, is to be lit

bright enough

to see through the shadow of the discomfort

emanating from the same source

could it be??? (a day-in-a-life liveblog of a day of potential)

7:30 

I'm about to have a normal, productive day after so long?

It's seven-thirty folks, and I've been awake for three and a half hours.

I've jotted down some notes, ate (AND COOKED) breakfast, fed the dog, had coffee and tea and have entertained myself with some youtube.

Look at my sexy suggestive breakfast:

dat face tho

10:30

(Three hours, a few more youtube videos, a "bit" of Tumblr, an actual bit of note-taking and a lot of puppy cuddling later:)

i found a marker and marked my skin, starting with the crown's bigger gem and got carried away much like Ice King's very own lack of struggle against his slow descent to dementia, letting too much time pass again without making much value from it

have i gone too far

yes i believe that i have gone too far

11:00 

snacktime, or maybe just plainly, my second meal of the day, and my mug expressing my sadness because beardy finally went to sleep.

a bunch of dandelion furballs dancing in the air after brushing my dog's fur a bit.. dogs are a wonderful addition to a family and everyone's voices turn musical, their disposition happy and light whenever the dog is in their presence, greeting them with overflowing cuteness, tails wagging in the air, never attempting to stifle excitement over seeing their favorite human.. and at this age of three months everyone is Sansa's favorite human. furry/beardy adorable pups and boys are time vacuums. i must resist.

setting an intention to make noon time count. but a dip in energy approaches. will i make it without being lulled into half-asleep automatic procrastination? (or napping)

maybe exercise will help?

tip: don't touch your face after drawing a penguin on the palm-side of your thumb.

3:00

i cooked this days ago. i'm kinda proud of it

few pages read, lunch, exercise (kinda), yeah.

4:00

doodled, notes, made coffee to stay awake, took a nap. Whoops.

5:00

"Sansaah!" *sits*

woke up, ate pizza, cookie, and the coffee that has already become cold. more puppy lovin.

6:30

End note: I didn't get to do as much as I'd have liked, but the night is long and the fight isn't over! And it's still a lot more than I've been doing lately. Will attempt to sleep "early" tonight and to wake up early tomorrow to have another go at normalcy.

★

Once Upon A Time there was a dog named after a brand of watches

Swatch was the very first dog I ever knew.

She was a very sweet, motherly Japanese Spitz and had kind eyes and the calmest disposition any of our dogs ever had.

She was a year older than me so I had known her "forever" when we lost her.

My dad would let the three dogs come out as a pack, and they would usually return home together. 

One day when I was maybe eleven or twelve, Swatch didn't come back with the others.

I cried a lot and waited for her to come back for a long time. The new year came and I remember crying because I remembered her and somehow understood that she wouldn't come back again. My dad held me and consoled me. He said maybe she didn't want me to see her die because she was already very old. He said it's the new year and I should welcome it with a happy disposition to make way for more happy things.

I don't remember her being very sick before wandering off, but today I wondered and searched, and was moved by the following text that I found:

Dogs wander off to die because of a left-over pack instinct from the wolves. The scent of a dying or dead animal attracts carrion hunters, like vultures and coyotes. Larger, more dangerous predators, like bears, are then attracted by the blood that is exposed by the scavengers. Even if a larger predator isn't attracted, other wolves may smell the blood and begin a territory war if the deceased wolf's pack is small.

Therefore, the dying wolf will separate himself from the pack, in order to protect that pack and its territory.[x]

When I grew older, I accepted that that was just wishful thinking, that she simply got lost, maybe taken by strangers, or whatever. I now know that letting them out on their own without supervision was irresponsible. But maybe there was some truth in it after all.

Swatch was the first family member I ever lost, and she taught me about loving and losing, and appreciating the good memories instead of focusing on the loss. A few years after, I lost other dogs, and even a few very dear people in my life. Including my dad.

shoe cuddles

Now that we have Sansa in our family, I feel reconnected with Swatch. She has the same gentle look in her eyes and the same color of fur, save for her beige blotches. This is the first time for me to have a dog in my family come after I've learned a bit more about the proper way to treat and understand dogs (and possibly the last dog ever before I move out). I'm afraid that it may be a long way until I develop enough confidence in myself to remedy our relationship with our other three dogs (they're treated well and fed well, but we don't get to walk them and train them) but for now, as selfish and self-centered as the reasons may be, I feel like I'm finally atoning for the neglect I couldn't help but allow towards all the dogs we've had by taking care of her the best I can.

all retch and no vomit... MORTAL COMBAAT

here you are, facing your one last big opponent

you do some jumping jacks, 

breathe deeply,

and pump yourself up to fight

..to this song in particular

and you do achieve the energy you felt you needed

yes

you feel ready

to take on this enormous task

you decide to start

and

and

get sidetracked about 10394 times and end up doing very mundane things with all the energy you gathered

please tell me i'm not the only one who has this problem

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING GRADUATE T.T

❀ positive thought processes to be thunkin ❀

being inspired by awesome/pretty local people

case in point: sarah meier, sanya smith (she is so cool + pretty, and i'm not over the fact that my best friend's sister once thought i looked a bit like her:)

finding something to like about people i don't (or didn't, in second case) particularly like

case in point: selena gomez (see picture below) and olivia wilde (view this photoset for the best twitter comeback i've ever seen)

i love her hair, sunnies, and clothes in this pic

my puppy being the fluffiest funniest kookiest puppy in all the laand ~ ♡

this is her official sexy/wise yoda face

✿~my sweet baby giiirl ~✿
(she's actually quite a rascal)

bryarly and charlie (chraryarly?? ☹) bein the superest and cutest couple in this video:

speaking of couples i'm also particularly appreciative of the fact that beardy and i are still getting better at being together somehow! and i'm still getting to love him more everyday, and my heart grows more and more squishy at the thought of him and our future together, and it's becoming easier to talk about that future in fact, because it feels real and i want it to be real and it's not hard to believe it can become real, and i think that's the best part in all of that.

me getting back on "the horse" regarding singing and music and writing songs and stuff

i'm starting to like my voice again, and i feel like singing a lot more and maybe working on getting in the songwriting zone more often! this may mean many things, like maybe i can upload new stuff on my new youtube channel like:

and other very engaging activities that will make me feel alive again such as art and proper documentation of these activities too

but of course i'm putting everything on hold for now.. the #1 positive thought/dream thing on my mind right now is:

graduating!!!

I really want it! And although it's already march and I've yet to finish my paper, I feel motivated and not let down by myself. I guess the fact that this is the one last push before FREEDOOOOM keeps me from lamenting how long it's taken me (and I do mean long.)

So yeah. I hope you, reader, whoever you are, also take some time out of your day today to think of things that make you feel happy, things that drive you, things that fuel your lust for life, and all that good stuff!

What are your happy thoughts? What are you grateful about? It doesn't have to be big! Like, maybe you're happy about a certain favorite food being present in your fridge right now. I don't know, but I'm sure you'll find something!

It's always a choice and I hope you choose to:

☆☆☆

❄ explain what crinkles are ♨

(x)

• Him: whats a crinkle again ? a biscuit ?
• Me: like a cookie/brownie thing.
• Me: like a cookie and brownie had prom sex
• Him: hahaha
• Me: and threw the baby in a powdered sugar dumpster
• Him: is that the thing with the funny surface that you explained to me when i was there ?
• Me: haha! yes i think. if you remember cracks on the surface then yes
• Him: yes thats the one

EDIT: I read this today.. it's been a while since I've read a motivational article that actually does it for me! what do you think?

the zone

feel the motions, the stress
do not escape just yet.

feel the fear
and ride it

and gain a sense of calm in a higher sense

let your heart pump wildly, and be glad: it's shouting that it's alive

not going anywhere is the only thing to fear.

⍟ freedom on friday ⍟

freedom from the bad feelings ~ i'm having a good day so far, considering how i've been feeling lately. i gave sansa a bath and brushed her fur, have been eating healthy delicious food, listening to nice music, playing jacksmith and even doing some work!

Zzzz... (taken in Pangasinan)

i don't know if it's just me but my dog seems to reflect my general state of being at any time. she's calm when im calm and she goes craaaazy when i'm frustrated! even though i try to control how i act around her. i guess some things can't be hidden that well, at least from our body language reading pets. honestly though it may all be just a coincidence. im sure she gets cray cray when she's alone.

i might be completely late to the party but last night i enjoyed playing around with pixect. i needed a way to show beardy this cute memory "stick" mama gave me:

of course when i saw the different effects i couldnt help but use them unnecessarily.

☠ ☪reepypie ☠

♡ bvttface ♡

so yeah, slowly but surely i see myself feeling better and being better in the days to come. i see myself beating my demon (kinky) and graduating and making things and selling them and making people happy or at least smile n say "aw das cute"... then a bit later on finding a job and working and saving more than i spend that would be nice.

it's just one demon cos it's just the paper. the paper has been my demon for a long time. im going to beat it. just beat it..

denenenen, denenent  tent

PUPPIES!

on February 25 came not just one, but two pups in our house.

two adorable poodle-chihuahua mix puppies.

my uncle bought one so two were delivered, and they both stayed in our house for a week.

one was black with very interesting white/brown details on her coat, and the other was white with off-white spots here and there.

in my head i started calling them obvious names, flower or skunk (she looked like flower from Bambi), and mallow. strictly because of their coats.

when they came to our house, my uncle was still deliberating which one to pick. i posted pictures on facebook, and flower caught his eye, as she caught everyone else's because of her beautiful pattern. i, however, felt that i wanted to become a very good owner to whichever pup will be hours and therefore felt the pressure to keep the less-energetic puppy, to be sure that i would be able to handle her. and that was mallow. mellow mallow.

i loved them both, though :)

pretty equally.

when my uncle made his decision, i felt obliged to take more pictures of flower

because she'd be leaving soon and ohmy god look at how cute!

but soon after she did, mallow had a lot of phototimes too.

in the end, my cousin, who is flower's forever-master, named her Baji.

As for mallow, my family agreed to my suggestion Sansa.

I thought about it because it sounds like what she looks like, and the way they fought reminded me of Sansa and Arya from GoT.

Sansa has her naughty moments, but overall she is very mellow and loving and makes EVERYONE smile. Even strangers! We took her to Pangasinan and she behaved very well during the long car rides and more-or-less follows us around off-leash in public (the leash still scares her so she won't follow if we put it on her)

As for Baji, my cousin is a teenage boy so I'm guessing he can handle her energy (just don't leave her alone in the crate and let her settle somewhere because she can scream like she's being murdered!) . And she's very smart and quick to pottytrain while she was here (Sansa still needs a little more time) so I'm sure they will love her :)

So there. A very long hiatus but very cute puppy pics so I hope you forgive me.

comical

(uncredited, from Tumblr. not my artwork)

'da pressionnns

it has come to my attention, that although episodic at most, i might be suffering some kind of depression.

i never formally considered it or acknowledged it, partly because i don't live in a place where it's considered a legitimate disease you can be cured of, and partly because it felt like i'd be giving myself an excuse.

both of these are still true, and i still don't feel like i deserve any help.

and it's not like i've been diagnosed by a professional.

i've just been dealing with the same thing for a prolonged period of time, read statements, and found things that rang true to me which i won't discuss because i would sound very whiny and annoying to myself.

but the thought of telling anyone for the purpose of getting myself properly tested just seems weak, shameful, and if i don't particularly "pass", embarassing. so i probably won't do it.

so i don't know if acknowledging the possibility of it really means anything.

but here we are.

it's like constantly being in shallow water

you can't rest or you'll drown

if you've gotten a sense of desperation in my attempts at helping myself, it would not be completely amiss.

don't worry about me though, 

i'll always get my head up every once in a while

and that's all you really need to keep living.