We're almost halfway through 2013? Huh.

I feel that I sit here waiting for something to happen and yet when things are happening it still feels like nothing is happening. I have two hypotheses regarding why this is:

• We don't recognize when things happen because our perspective of happenstance as we imagine it is a voyeuristic one and we just need to change our way of looking at the present moment into a more positive one/ first-person perspective
• There is a certain kind of happening that I am inwardly craving for that hasn't happened yet

Maybe the act of mentally tilting forward a bit is needed to keep moving forward? Like a Segway.

But in retrospect, a lot happened in April and these first few days of May. At least a lot compared to the time before that. I finished my thesis and graduated, turned 23, started making stuff again, and we went out a lot more than usual:

graduation dinner @Comida China de Manila. Sansa got to run around off-leash becoz private room

we have the cutest parents

beech day (and night) #1

me this mornin: ready n armed for some mornin beechin

sum byutiful ledies. with my explosion of a face

afterwerds we went to Bag of Beans for nommage

before and during nommage. a wild nica appears ~~

after lunch today

(btw thanks to my tito leo and ate ling ling for the pictures!)

But maybe that's the thing. To be able to feel like much happened, I always have to mentally consider how much less happened before. On its own, my year hasn't really been very eventful. But dissecting that thought process even further, I feel the need to explore what my definition of eventful is. I feel that I measure my life a lot in comparison to other people lately. I've been feeling very insecure. I should probably calm down and accept that there's just a lot of talented people that I know and that nobody's laughing at me for not being able to be as good as them. Just me. Which has to stop, too.

I feel that a bit part of growing up in my case has been learning to know that people don't pay as much attention to me as I fear. If I laugh at embarrassing things I do, they will laugh with me. They don't care about me enough to focus on criticizing me. Deep inside, everyone just wants to get along.

Anyway, this month I have tasks to tick off my to-do list. And I'm sure that even when I finish them, I will not particularly feel like I did SO MUCH and that I FINISHED something. It will just feel like there's nothing overdue. At least that's how graduating felt.

My To-Do List for May:

• medical check-ups
• some girly maintenance tasks
• learn to drive
• get serious with yoga again
• start either losing fat or gaining muscle or both
• learn tarot
• finish two books

But maybe that was because graduating was like paying off a debt, and these next steps I take are more like creating some savings. It's adding something to my life instead of just leveling a negative feeling. 

I have hope.

the lovely way there

written @ midnight before easter

today was lovely.

i woke up to the sound of my brother knocking on my door, telling me that mama said we're going out to eat and shop at Paseo. It was my older brother's birthday recently and because he wasn't home the entire time, mama wanted to take advantage of the weekend to buy him something nice.

We had brunch at Cafe Breton. The ambiance and the food was lovely. I didn't bring my camera, and I don't regret it one bit. At times like this a good camera phone would be handy, because I'm simply not willing to lug a giant camera around and ruin the moments as they come. I kept thinking about Emmy and how interesting he would find the place to be, being an actual Breton himself XD I imagined him picking the menu apart... He certainly wouldn't miss the "Bon apetit" on the very cover ^^

We went around to look for jeans for Nikko, but the heat was unbearable and we ended up just getting some groceries (in my case, going around and around and around looking at interesting stuff at True Value after showing them where the dog food was), deciding to just do the jeans shopping tomorrow. However, on the way home Nikko asked mama if she could just treat him with the game he wanted to buy in the first place XD

She agreed, so after going home, Nikko and Monji went back to paseo to buy rice and Nikko's computer game.

Shortly afterwards, Fr. Ernie and a friend of his arrived to have lunch at our place. I prepared a simple salad for them. And then shortly before them leaving came some of our relatives who wanted to go to Tagaytay, who ended up just staying over!


I set myself to write ten pages each day from Today 'till Thursday, but obviously this first day didn't really go as planned. I spent most of the afternoon hanging out with the kids, who I wished, but didn't think, were coming. The teens and adults of my generation hung out at the balcony to drink in a circle.

(from abbie's IG tengs abi)

I joined them too, for a little while, but I mostly just feasted on the snacks and gulped a bit of sprite-vodka and had some laughs and weird discussions about hilarious and inappropriate stuff before I was asked to watch over the kids who wanted to come back upstairs to my room... I love these kids (and it felt weird to drink at a time like this anyway) so of course I came upstairs with them again, and hung out some more. In case you have NO IDEA what "fun stuff" a 22-year old can possibly do with a 5, 9 and 13 year old, there's a lot!:

• weird, surprisingly dangerous bowling with 2L mtn dew bottles and a stuffed soccerball
• a lot of Flow Free (a game which Nica, the 5 y/o was FREAKISHLY good at!)
• while talking about A LOT OF STUFF
• potential creepy, ghostly scenarios
• life in general
• hilarious stuff that happened to us in school (im so happy i can remember a lot from gradeschool)
• embarassing stuff that happened to us in school
• hilarious everything else (kids are funny okay)
• adventure time of course
• some brilliant drum-tap-thing with pens
• drawings

So yeah! Now my room looks like this:

(eep im so happy about the way this nook turned out! there's like, a pathway for the bathroom door haha)

I went downstairs to check on Sansa and saw her in her cage, lying on her back, stretching her front paws towards me like a baby reaching up to be carried. Haha! It was so freakin cute and hilarious, I wish I took a picture! After realising that the belly rubs weren't making her fall asleep, I decided to let her out and rubbed her belly after making her lie down on one of her usual spots beside a sofa. She still wasn't feeling sleepy. She followed me around for a bit as I poked at things in the kitchen and made myself some tea, and then she went to the rug and peed properly. As if it wasn't enough, I opened the side door and she went out to poo at her spot outside!!!! I had applause go off in my head I was so happy!

GOOD GIRL!

And so yeah, even though I probably won't finish 10 pages before I sleep today, sitting here in my spot (well, lying down on my belly right now), thinking about the wonderful day that just came and went, I can't help but feel calmer and not too focused on my ultimate dream of graduating so much that I lose sight of what's important in life and the little dreams that keep coming true every day.

Great family day full of fun activities, having my nieces and youngest cousin around to play and have fun with, seeing my older cousins have so much fun together by just sitting in a circle, having a room I love to bits, being able to borrow a laptop 24/7 even after losing my own, great food, being able to eat healthily even though I'm stressed (fruits in a blender a-plenty), having the special gugo bark shampoo my mom gave me (thank you so much mama) after finding out that my hair was falling out due to stress work SO FREAKISHLY WELL, having an inside dog that is so awesome and loves me so much ~~~ the journey towards the goal certainly is lovely.

It just feels that being able to graduate isn't really for me anymore, because I'm really fine. This life is good to me. Finishing school would be a way to give back to my mom, who has provided me with everything I need and so much more. And that's what should drive me. It's the least I could do, to make her proud.

I really hope I make it!!! Please send me ALL of the good vibes you can muster. I really need them!

xxx

PS: these kids are funny even while asleep. two are sleep-talkers and one is a snorer. hahahaha

⍟ freedom on friday ⍟

freedom from the bad feelings ~ i'm having a good day so far, considering how i've been feeling lately. i gave sansa a bath and brushed her fur, have been eating healthy delicious food, listening to nice music, playing jacksmith and even doing some work!

Zzzz... (taken in Pangasinan)

i don't know if it's just me but my dog seems to reflect my general state of being at any time. she's calm when im calm and she goes craaaazy when i'm frustrated! even though i try to control how i act around her. i guess some things can't be hidden that well, at least from our body language reading pets. honestly though it may all be just a coincidence. im sure she gets cray cray when she's alone.

i might be completely late to the party but last night i enjoyed playing around with pixect. i needed a way to show beardy this cute memory "stick" mama gave me:

of course when i saw the different effects i couldnt help but use them unnecessarily.

☠ ☪reepypie ☠

♡ bvttface ♡

so yeah, slowly but surely i see myself feeling better and being better in the days to come. i see myself beating my demon (kinky) and graduating and making things and selling them and making people happy or at least smile n say "aw das cute"... then a bit later on finding a job and working and saving more than i spend that would be nice.

it's just one demon cos it's just the paper. the paper has been my demon for a long time. im going to beat it. just beat it..

denenenen, denenent  tent