Friday, May 3, 2013

We're almost halfway through 2013? Huh.

I feel that I sit here waiting for something to happen and yet when things are happening it still feels like nothing is happening. I have two hypotheses regarding why this is:

  • We don't recognize when things happen because our perspective of happenstance as we imagine it is a voyeuristic one and we just need to change our way of looking at the present moment into a more positive one/ first-person perspective
  • There is a certain kind of happening that I am inwardly craving for that hasn't happened yet
Maybe the act of mentally tilting forward a bit is needed to keep moving forward? Like a Segway.

But in retrospect, a lot happened in April and these first few days of May. At least a lot compared to the time before that. I finished my thesis and graduated, turned 23, started making stuff again, and we went out a lot more than usual:

graduation dinner @Comida China de Manila. Sansa got to run around off-leash becoz private room
we have the cutest parents

beech day (and night) #1
me this mornin: ready n armed for some mornin beechin
sum byutiful ledies. with my explosion of a face

afterwerds we went to Bag of Beans for nommage
before and during nommage. a wild nica appears ~~
after lunch today
(btw thanks to my tito leo and ate ling ling for the pictures!)

But maybe that's the thing. To be able to feel like much happened, I always have to mentally consider how much less happened before. On its own, my year hasn't really been very eventful. But dissecting that thought process even further, I feel the need to explore what my definition of eventful is. I feel that I measure my life a lot in comparison to other people lately. I've been feeling very insecure. I should probably calm down and accept that there's just a lot of talented people that I know and that nobody's laughing at me for not being able to be as good as them. Just me. Which has to stop, too.

I feel that a bit part of growing up in my case has been learning to know that people don't pay as much attention to me as I fear. If I laugh at embarrassing things I do, they will laugh with me. They don't care about me enough to focus on criticizing me. Deep inside, everyone just wants to get along.

Anyway, this month I have tasks to tick off my to-do list. And I'm sure that even when I finish them, I will not particularly feel like I did SO MUCH and that I FINISHED something. It will just feel like there's nothing overdue. At least that's how graduating felt.

My To-Do List for May:
  • medical check-ups
  • some girly maintenance tasks
  • learn to drive
  • get serious with yoga again
  • start either losing fat or gaining muscle or both
  • learn tarot
  • finish two books
But maybe that was because graduating was like paying off a debt, and these next steps I take are more like creating some savings. It's adding something to my life instead of just leveling a negative feeling. 

I have hope.

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