Nugget

when something goes wrong, do something within your power to actively make something go right.
this life is yours to make happen.


Think of your experience as a sheet of aluminum. when punches hit you and dents your surface, punch back up to make it even again. Doing something to make something better will make up for the shitty feelings, and good mood is key to doing things inspiredly.

Live life on purpose.

Trusting the Process

..But taking (the right kinds of) action, will.


Here's my meditation topic for everyone today!

Personally my hard drive just died so I will be living a highly offline life until I get to buy a new one (I'm broke so who knows when that will be) and I will be trying to use this time to immerse myself in the present, rooting myself into all the power available to me and and relishing the change I should be able to be responsible of if I just trusted the process and stop letting my idea of the future ruin the present. 


To me this means trusting the process for the meantime, knowing that I will ultimately an outcome that (more or less) matches the efforts I give. And allowing myself to feel peachy and positive for the meantime because good vibes can only influence towards the neutral or the positive.


These have been recurring topics in the various media I've been coming across. Don't you just love it when things around you seem to align to teach you a single lesson? Usually it takes an open attitude to witness "magic" of this kind. It's really just you coming into awareness of what you already know.

Have a good week everyone!

xxx
B

Things that engaged me today

• Futurama
• Natasha Allegri's blog (she's from Adventure Time)
• Cake (the band)

Stagnant but I think I should take note of things that get my attention. There might be a pattern there somewhere, or a clue to what I can do that I'll enjoy.

But I'm quite positive that my laptop is making delayed gratification foreign to me. It's too easy to keep busy!

Reading:

• The Happiness Project

This is all for now.

I want to learn to fight

There's no glory in my safety here
With comforts trickling, slowly, but steadily
That I am never starved.

(Or: I feel like I'm smooching off of my mum for I am without a job, but living comfortably and have extended my stay in college)

I want to throw myself into a pit of wolves
To fight and give myself no choice
I know that a warrior is hiding inside
Even if once pampered, I am extracted from the cushion under my behind.

(Or: Maybe if I just threw myself on the field my survival instinct would actually kick in like it always has? Then I just wanted an excuse to mention my butt.)

But even in my desperation I see
that summoning danger will only serve me until the throbbing in my chest
the rush of my pulse
has calmed

(Or: The survival thingy only lasts for a while, and so does the sense of fulfillment that comes with it. I need to do something I really love. Faking it doesn't work well for me. Or at the very least, it doesn't last long. Also, I had a heart time figuring out when to end the lines. Obviously)

I want to fight, but I want to feel like I'm fighting for a reason.

(Or: ...Actually that one was pretty straightforward.)

((except for fighting, I don't actually like fights. I'm a pasa-fish. Pacifist. Pacific fish..))

Drowsy

I really have to train myself to leave the bed when I wake up at the right hour.

To be fair I've been woken up a couple of times before it was time, either by bad dreams or the way my blinds were smashing against the wall (it has been very windy lately.) Once a little after 4am, then 7:30. I finally woke up properly at 8:30, which is just to say that the bed didn't feel like quicksand anymore and my head didn't feel like it was being sunk into it by an anvil, but I still stayed in bed when that happened, stared at my sweetheart's skype window, and fell asleep again for another hour. And woke up. And slept again for another hour.

So I still ended up getting up at 10:30 and it's pretty much been a lazy day.

Along with the feeling of victory that comes with not seeing two digits in the clock when I wake up (read: 6:00-9:00 instead of 10:00 onward), is a kind of fear that makes me want to fail at waking up early. It's like I can't deal with the weight of having regular hours because I won't have an excuse anymore. So in a way, even though I profess disliking them, my insomnia and broke-ness are things that I rely on. They're excuses I can use to cover my ass when I feel inadequate.

But this is a fear I have to face eventually. What if things work out? And if they don't, what if it just takes time practice that I haven't had the patience for?

So Note To Self for tomorrow morning:

Pull yourself up from the bed when it's time, go to the bathroom and wash the sleep inertia away.
There is more sleep to be had: at night. And a lot of living to be done this morning.


Random factoid: I love using yellow highlighter in real life. So I might start doing it here, too.

PS: im drowsy and had every intention to skip gym today.

but one text from aizel asking what time we’re going changed my mind.

Lesson: go to the gym with good friends

Nuggets

Once in a while I will not have a topic but would still have something to say.

Hence the birth of "Nuggets" in my blog. They will be little pieces of random information or updates that I would like to share.

Let us commence:

I was two pounds off. I weighed myself again earlier, and apparently I actually lost two pounds! So I replaced the 144 with 142 and it felt good man. Good day at the gym earlier. Got there earlier than my friends so I had a lot of time done. A lot of time, but not much intensity, which was intended. But maybe, who knows, I might eventually wish to stay for a shorter period of time there and would want to amp up the intensity to make up for it. But realistically, no. I enjoy being there with my friends. xD It's only gonna be for a month anyway. It will go by fast.

I wore my tankini set. Hah. This is not going to happen again. My thighs kept rubbing against each other too much. (Don't worry, I wore my PE shorts going there. I didn't take em off 'till I was working out)

Do u liek my dolan faec

Failed attempt at home-officing. Last night, I had every intention to start waking up early, sit myself down on my desk and get shit done within pre-scheduled hours. Get a routine of productivity going. Even wrote it on my planner. Unfortunately I stayed up all night watching The Switch, which I actually enjoyed! Damn my relentless procrastination skills! Rotten Tomatoes gave it a bad grade, though. Which I understand.  But I enjoyed it a lot. Anyway. I'm sleepy now so I might try again tomorrow!


22 Days until Emmy comes! I'm excited but anxious about feeling a bit unprepared??? I mean, I still have school stuff to do, but I dunno, sometimes I just feel like I'm just making it up, that I'm not really unprepared. I'm just insecure about myself! Pretty sure it'll be okay.

Sure and Slow and Slow and Sure

When I started going to the gym I decided I wanted to have a record of my weight and measurements so I could see my progress and decide if I'm doing enough in the gym or not.

I put it on my bathroom wall because I was sure that if it was tucked away in some little notebook I will forget about updating it, or feel lazy about getting the pen, opening, etc etc. In my bathroom I already have my whiteboard markers and erasers set up all visible on top of my mirror, so it was very easy to access and use, and whatever I write on the walls are instantly visible to me.

My first goal really is to firm back up for the swimsuit I bought and liked on me in April. Second is getting in a good shape and state of body (regular heart rate, feeling strong and firm), and lastly, to lose some actual weight, but I'm in no real hurry for that.

It's true what they say about how misleading weight is. It's not necessarily good to obsess over what the scale says. The scale won't tell you your body composition, so you can be in fact healthy and gaining muscle but feeling bad because you're getting heavier, or feeling good about losing weight, but be actually losing muscle, which helps you burn fat overall and keeps you healthy and strong. 

That's why when I saw that my weight stayed the same when I've been to the gym (doing aerobics and "pumping iron" as they call it) three times last week and have done some cardio at home, I felt really good!

And true enough, when it came down to actual inches, my body was changing :) I lost an inch or a half here and there.

And bonus, I like how I look in my April bikini again!

Scuse the dirty mirror. And scuse me. I derped.

Note how I didn't say "I look good" but rather "I like how I look" ..That's what it's all about now. That's how it should be for everyone, honestly.

I decided to be brave and take pictures so I can see my body change, too. I didn't take a picture at the start which is sad, because I was really flabby and even though it would have been gross, I'd feel really good seeing that and this^ side by side.

But I just feel good right now to be in that body, without anything to compare from the past. This, right here, right now, is satisfactory to me.

Now, I know how this isn't really anything amazing or extraordinary. Some people lose like, ten pounds in a week! Those really determined people. But what I tried to focus on personally, was an activity level I could keep up for long. I'd hate to push myself to uncomfortable levels only to flake at it eventually and get back to a bad shape (in my mind, too)...

I'm just focusing on getting some activity in my day, and that's what it's all about. Finding a personal way to be healthy. For me it's just about moderation. Not a month-long weightloss program, but a lifestyle change.

Note: See how my thigh somehow measured bigger? Haha. Weird. But that was last night, and actually, last night, my boob area was the same but it shrunk when I woke up. (which i've been wishing for) and my thigh came back to size. hahahaha. strangeness. Maybe my body settled while I was asleep? XD

Low-Cal Frappe Recipes (40-60 calories)

I'm generally trying to stay in shape these days. My lifestyle makes it easy to balloon to 200lbs if I don't watch what I eat and move around.

Even so, I was still able to let myself have a frozen hot chocolate and a coffee frappuccino, respectively, like once a day for two days without guilt tripping afterwards. (Or bloating, which is great!)

If I'd bought myself a frappuccino from Starbucks (I usually get a caramel one) it would have easily set me back by 430 calories in my daily allowance. 380 calories if I'd gotten a chocolate one; easily 400 if I asked for mint syrup like I usually do.

But with very little changes, I easily made a coffee frappe with only around 95* calories in it, and that's only because I tried to experiment by putting some cream in it (didn't really do it any favors. I wouldn't do it again). If I hadn't done that, It would have only had 40. CALORIES. IN IT. For serious. The chocolate one had around 50-60*.

So. Let's get to HOW you actually make these. It's actually a no-brainer, you just need to not have a craving that can't wait, because it needs a while to freeze. Or better yet, freeze it ahead of time before you even want one so whenever you do, you can just wait for it to thaw a bit and pop it in the blender.

You only need:

• a few hours (I like it when the center is still liquid because it's so much easier to blend. This takes about 4-5 hours)
• a blender
• milk (i use 1-2 tablespoons of evaporated milk)
• 1 packet of a zero-calorie sweetener (I recommend stevia. Any zero-cal sweetener will do, but Stevia is like the most alkaline sweetener you can get, and it's natural)
• Your choice dose of coffee or 1 tablespoon cocoa powder

Coffee Frappe:

1. Take a big glass/tumbler, put some water in it.
2. Work the coffee machine. I leave the strength of the coffee to your personal preference, but I usually use two scoops (around tablespoon-sized scoops) of unground beans or one heaping spoonful of ground coffee. (You can also just use instant coffee and hot water. Basically, just make yourself some black coffee.)
3. Put a packet of stevia or splenda or whatever sweetener you're using in the glass (if you're using instant, just put it in with the sweetener)
4. Pour the coffee (water if using instant) in and stir.
5. Swig a bit of evaporated milk in it (I usually end up using 1-2 tablespoons)
6. Pop it in the freezer

Frozen Hot Chocolate:

1. Put a tablespoon of cocoa powder (I use Goya baking cocoa powder) and contents of a packet of Stevia in your big glass/tumbler.
2. Add hot water and stir.
3. Add evaporated milk.
4. Pop in the freezer.

After a few hours, it will mostly be frozen. The difficult part is getting to take it off the glass. I usually take it out while the center is still liquid so I just crack the center with a spoon, pour the liquid into the blender, and crack and pull the frozen stuff until they're all in the blender. If left overnight, it might be completely frozen, in which case, just wait for a few minutes till the outside is liquid enough that you can drop it all in the blender.

The liquid part helps to blend the thing smoothly, but if you have too much liquid, it won't really end up in a frappe-like consistency. I usually like mint in my drink, and that actually helps blend it smoother, but you don't have to put mint syrup if you don't like it. Whatever. Your choice. That's the best thing about making your own frappe, you can put whatever YOU want in it.

You can add whipped cream if you want, but personally the froth that forms on top after blending is kind of enough? hahahaha. Whipped cream adds 15 calories for every 2tbsp.

There you go! Pop a straw in and enjoy <3

Right now I'm settling for this iced coffee because I woke up late, was in the mood for a liquid drink and I can't wait too long to have my coffee because I have enough sleeping problems as it is. hehe. It's basically the same recipe, I just added ice instead of freezing and blending.

(I personally use loose measurements because I hate being too caught up with numbers, but I use equal or less than the listed measurements.)

*calorie breakdown:

Coffee Frappuccino: Coffee: 0cal | Stevia: 0cal | Evaporated Milk: 40cal (2tbsp) | Total: 40 calories

Frozen Hot Chocolate: Cocoa Powder: 10cal (1tbsp) | Stevia: 0cal | Evaporated Milk: 40cal (2tbsp) | Mint Syrup: 5cal** | Total: 56 calories

**Check your mint syrup's Nutritional Facts! It may be different from mine. Mine has 61 calories every 2cl and I used a little swig, which is about a tablespoon. (61cal/200ml  is .305 cal per ml. 1tbsp = 15 ml. .305 x 15 = 4.575. I'm not really anal about these things for myself haha, but I don't want to give unreliable numbers in my blog especially if the reader is really watching their intake.)

Brighter

"I had everything I could possibly

want -yet I was failing to appreciate it. Bogged down in

petty complaints and passing crises, weary of struggling

with my own nature, I too often failed to comprehend the

splendor of what I had. I didn't want to keep taking these

days for granted. The words of the writer Colette had

haunted me for years: 'What a wonderful life I've had! I only

wish I'd realized it sooner.' I didn't want to look back, at the

end of my life or after some great catastrophe, and think,

'How happy I used to be then, if only I’d realized it.' "

                                                              -Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

     I suddenly see things in a better light, and I realize that I've forgotten how to be thankful for what I have.

To really be thankful.

      I know I should be, I know I'm lucky, all things considered, but I've been so focused on feeling inadequate and sorry for myself that it's as if I believe I've been dealt a bad card in life.

Observing Emmy makes me learn a lot of things. I never thought I'd say this during the days when we were starting and I felt we were so different, but there are things about him I really aspire to be like in my own life.

My Tonkatsu-makin baby. Watch the tray on the chair. it's fun to see the stuff appear and disappear.

     I feel like I'm always having to TELL myself to be content, but I'm always in a state where I'm looking for more. It's never enough. I'm always wanting something more. Something different. He's actually the opposite of that.

     He doesn't really try to be anything but himself. He might complain about things around him, and be wary of more things than I am, but when it comes to actually living his life, he's actually pretty easy-going. He knows what he likes, and it is what he has. He's actually very contented.

Meanwhile I'm always complaining about how I don't do enough, or how I'm too lazy, or bla bla bla bla bla.

I guess I've never really learned my lessons as well as I wished. (See? That statement itself is about discontent)

Ah well. I'm still learning. And it's always a good thing to be self-aware.

For the meantime, here are things in my life right now that I am happy about:

1. My mom let me get the lamp that caught my eye (my whole being really) when Carmen, Pia and I went to True Value T.T... It looks like the Pixar one! Luxo! I named her Pixie :)
2. Low calorie milkshakes that deserve their own post ;)
3. The fact that considering everything, My life is pretty good.
1. I have friends and family who love me
2. I have the means to take care of myself (eat healthy food, go to the gym etc)
3. I have access to pretty good reads (just now I downloaded a book I wanted to buy earlier)
4. All this without even a job. My mother takes care of me even though I've extended my stay in college for too long. I have the means even though I didn't work to earn it. 
5. Even with that, I have ideas, and have time to think them through
6. I always get second chances.
7. My boyfriend and I will be able to live like a normal couple for almost two whole months very soon!
1. And we actually are in love
2. And he takes care of me the best he can
3. And we dream of living our lives together and we're up-front about it which is a HUUUGE thing for me. I've always felt like I was always a dirty little secret before I met him. And now I'm someone's only one :) There are a lot of things to work out, but overall I think this is a pretty good deal!

I hope this light doesn't fade out too soon. I hope it stays this clear to me, how lucky I actually am.

The quitter who never quits.

The one thing I never quit at is trying again.

I may be a natural at not following through, but I always try to follow-up.

I get tired of things easily, but I'm always keen on making things interesting again.

I let myself fall a lot of times, and just stand up again. Even literally at times.

In this way, I'm a quitter who never quits.

JuneGymmin

Tomorrow, (or later on today rather, as alas, my insomnia has kicked in again) Aizel and I are going to our local gym to enroll for a month.

Yep, I'm finally giving up on the idea that no, no, my room can be conducive to exercise with the right amount of willpower! Because 1) I've two months of inactivity to disprove that it's not going to happen, much less in this weather and I'd rather sleep fat than sleep in a stinky room and 2) I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I actually have none of this so-called willpower and I can only succeed by tricking and trapping myself into doing things. Oh what a healthy relationship we have, Self. 22 years of this. True love.

There's three of us who have decided in my closest circle of friends to get fit together and enroll in the same gym (there's only four of us, Carmen won't be joining because uhm, she's already fit as it is) so that's a huge incentive and motivation for me. I'm not a very social person but I love the few real friends I have dearly and they do charge my soul quite deeply so I think having them there to look forward to will be a good thing.

I'll only be in there for a month to get back to my firmer shape I had in April which was thanks to my Aerobics PE class:

I feel a bit bad because when I put that bikini on I had a whole body acceptance stint about how I never thought I could wear string bikinis and now I can so even though I'm chubby I'm happy and it's not about being thin anymore. But as it appears, it may not be about being thin, but it IS about being firm, and around that time I was previously moving a lot (it was only a month after school ended) and had actually firmed up without me really noticing. And now I'm actually flabby again. My I measured my breasts and they are now C-cups and cannot be held as prettily as they were held by the bikini in that picture!

In short, I have to make movement a routine one way or another, even if the routine will have to change every now and then because I somehow hate routines from a deep crevice in my soul that I cannot get to just yet.

So while I'm waiting for my lionbear to get here, I have one month of gymming, and when he gets here we'll be walking around a lot and travelling, and he isn't quite a foodie like me and I've got a very adaptive personality so I'm guessing  I won't be binge eating while he's around. I don't have a plan yet for after he goes back to France but I'll cross that bridge when I get there because honestly I don't even want to think about that time yet and being apart from him again and such.

I just hope that by that time my stomach has already shrunk and I simply won't feel like eating so much anymore. I should also probably work on eating less sweet food to restore my tongue's sensitivity to it.

Meaning more of these babies! Just strawberries, grapes, and water. No sugar. Yummy anyway!

See? When you have zero willpower, you can find ways around things by tricking yourself. Strategy, man.

Anyway, I leave you now with a little materialistic fitness wishlist I'm not really determined to accomplish because I have what I need, really. I just like lusting over things so sue me. :3

1. Loose fit tank tops with big arm holes


I've always had a thing for big armholes because I have a big upper body and it's not very comfortable on the pits when the garment is touching it. And big arm holes just look better on my body shape. And look cute when your sports bra in a contrasting color peeks up from your rib cage  heuheu. I also like it to drop straight down from the peak of my jugs because I don't want my curves or lack of them to distract me in my moves.
This one is from Nike but I actually would prefer to just go to a clothing surplus store nearby because I can get ones just as cute for like a sixth of the price for a Nike one or less.

2. Sport bras - Again these are Nike's but the really cheap ones I saw when I bought the bikini would do. I just hope they're still on sale if I ever come back. Sigh.            
3. 600-1000ml non-drip waterbottle - This one's a water bobble. Innit cute? PE has made me learn that 600-650 ml bottles hold just enough water for me. Enough to quench my thirst without being too bulky. But I'm willing to amp it up to a liter just to make sure I drink enough everyday. 
4. Happy Trainers - I want trainers in a color that will put me in a good mood when I look down at my feet. Like these ones.

Mini-reflection for today: As it stands, it seems that I'm wired to not keep things up. But I keep on trying, and that's something right?

Mkay, that's all. It's really late (/early in the morning) Bye. :)

In Waiting (a.k.a. My "Story")

We are always getting ready to live but never living. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

that bookmark I'd made had been there for quite a while already

I'm finally really reading the first book from the Dark Materials set my sweet Lionbear had sent me for my birthday... last year... (I know, shame on me) and have been loving it.

The fiery of the child Lyra is contagious, or at least intoxicating enough that I feel it awakens some old, sleeping fire hiding inside me. I feel like I've been living in Mrs. Coulter's flat, deluding myself that I'm undergoing preparation for a big adventure that I actually won't be included in. But instead of being deceived by a malevolent mother, I've been packing winter clothes and memorizing constellations as a game of pretend or as a way to procrastinate because I'm too damn scared, or have zero willpower to actually go North.

All my life has a rehearsal. My extensive extracurricular record in grade-high school made me feel like I've reserved a seat in greatness. That I've reserved a right to just let things happen to me in college. Well, turns out that college doesn't really bother much with delegation. In the same way that knowledge wasn't spoon-fed like it was in high school, tasks weren't either.

I only had to answer to my own planner, to tasks I wrote with my own hands.

In a big way this was liberating, and I admit I enjoyed being a wallflower very much. I would do my duties, but not very well and was less than eager to take on more than what is needed. I was rarely absorbed in my tasks but have found subtler sources of fulfillment that I maintain were just as valuable.

I instead became obsessed with lists, and positivity, and changing how I see things, and dreaming about the many things I could do now that I've been liberated from many limiting thoughts.

I would start some of them, but ultimately shift from one goal to another, so I didn't really get to build anything of importance on the outside. Be that as it may, I feel that I have expanded inside.

But this doesn't remove me from the fact that I haven't created much, and the things I did create were birthed from a very distracted, weak, hesitant and confused place. Like trying to douse a fire by letting a soft mist graze by the air around it.

At first I tried to tell myself that the pain came from denied pride, that I just no longer had the badges I once wore to assure me of my value, and I reassured myself that this was a good thing. I lost any desire to appear great to my peers. I stopped caring much about appearing talented or enigmatic. I did not want to make myself heavy with earthly attachments. But as the time passed, dreams were listed, hopes were hung, and the pain of having become a nobody apparently had never ceased completely and had caught my foot in the end. I felt that I failed in a way that I cannot deny any more. It was there when I looked around me, making me feel like my heart is being yanked to stand on its side. I couldn't understand it. Was it shame? Was it envy? But I can say now with much clarity: It was guilt.

By looking outside and deciding that there was much of very usual human things that I didn't want to take part of, I actually denied myself the joy of doing things I wanted to do. I became crippled by a strange fear that was so strong but very subtle that I couldn't even tell it was there. But I submit to forgive myself when I feel this guilt simply because at those times when it happened, I WAS crippled. And you can't blame a cripple for not joining a race.

But I willingly lost myself in observing the world. I crippled myself. I tried to be so small, so malleable, so invisible, that life could pass by like wind and I would remain unhurried, unworried, and unchanged. But sensitive and more aware of my inner being.

I'd done that, and I'd succeeded, but lost the ability to function with the world. I became as detached to the outside as I felt attached to the inside. And as I grow older and start to need my legs again to run with the tide, I'm then left wiggling myself through. In other words I honestly feel like I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

Life inside my head is vivid, intricate. Everything makes sense one way or another. But once I need to express it, I become lost. I do not know how to function. I can dream the nicest dreams, plan the best plans, scheme nice strategies to make things work better for everyone, but I have nothing to show for it because I function quite horribly. I'm L A Z Y. What good are my dreams if I just sleep all the time?

So my youth was practice, and I did well. And college was a time for reflection, something crucial for endurance in prolonged activity, but I'd overdone my stay and missed so many opportunities (or at least that's how I feel when I compare myself to others, which is rarely a good idea)...

And each time I try to catch up, it was an effort to lunge forward, to do overdue things quickly and hastily to get to my intended state at this age.

In other words, my actions have betrayed my inner purpose, and the biggest lesson of all:

The present moment is all there is.

There are so many levels to this, so many ways you can swallow it, so many ways you can wear it, so I forgive myself for missing it one way or another when I need it, even when I've read it so many times.

The best way to deal with waiting is to get busy in it. This is a moment as good as any other.

imgsource: cafernon@deviantart

Be so very absorbed in creating greatness that you won't have any time to mourn the lack of it.

Waiting is only wasted time when you forget that you are in it, and therefore stand still.

If I should have one regret, after all of this wasted time, it would be that I didn't fully learn early enough how to enjoy myself. It's the core of all great things. Enjoyment is passion, excitement, and absorption in your tasks. But I'm still in the process of learning how to do that properly, and I'll be directly contradicting it if I even start considering regretting things.

zeroing in on the enemy

I believe that there is a solution for everything, and that's completely why I even have a sliver of faith left for myself.
But to find the solution we must first find the problem.

Not the problem as in "I'm not productive" but as in the reason why this is so.

It's funny that it's come to me so late but one day I absorbed what my problem was.

I say "absorbed" because on so many levels, I've already known it. But it wasn't wired deeply yet.

Anything you want to achieve takes time. Not time to come to you, but time to give on your part.

Time to focus on it, to do actual things that lead to its completion. What you do with your time day by day shall determine what you will get out of life. It's so depressingly simple.

But to me it requires the accomplishment of some things easier said than done:

1. Stepping back from potent, well-assimilated habits that work together and make me snowball from one activity to another without even thinking about it
2. "Weaning" myself properly and rewiring my state of mind to be satisfied with less stimulation but more absorption in whatever the activity is.
3. Having clear goals and visions
4. Constantly doing work that leads towards them
5. A way to make myself do this EVERY SINGLE DAY. Without fail. Or at least able to recover quickly after slip-ups.

i think i should put up a framed paper saying "Where are you" facing my bed. So I'll have to reflect on where I am and where I'm going everyday. Or something. I dunno, I'll prolly ignore it.

Wreckage

I heard someone in a movie say yesterday that you can't be a failure if you didn't even try to start with.

That it makes you worse than a failure.

I'm going to be honest. I'm essentially lost at the moment. I'm met with regret left and right. I get nightmares about it.

• when people my age (or younger, or just a bit older) seem to have their lives all figured out
• when i think about school (i get nightmares about homework that hasn't been done or classes that need to be taken)
• when i realise how old i am (this, Emmanuel assures me is silly, he says 22 is young and i have a lot of time to get it together. But my own expectations of myself shoot me to the ground.)

But when I try to think about how it could have been if I'd done things differently,

• if i'd striven more to be like the people i was around
• if i tried to make them like me more
• if i tried to push myself harder to meet expectations

i think i'd still be as miserable, but even worse, i'd have lost myself in the process.

I believe, or at least want to believe, that no matter how happy, content, or well-adjusted people look from the outside, they all have struggles, and weaknesses, more or less in equal measurements (if such things can even be measured.)

And I hope, with a bit of desperation, that this path is my path, and I will make it mine very soon.

I'm haunted by time, and how I'm spending it. It seems like I'm only a starter. It's so hard to stick to doing things, and therefore in improving oneself. The bigger picture is a bit clear from here, but the details are lost on me and the hours I spend everyday do not make me feel like I'm moving towards a direction I want to move towards.

Maybe from a different angle, or from a greater distance from the situation, I'm actually getting there slowly.

But I don't want to give myself this resolve if it's only going to make me be complacent again.

Freshman -15

Yup, freshman NEGATIVE fifteen.

i regret not having a copy of this photo but it was my lowest weight.

I lost 17 pounds during my first year of college. I lived in a dorm, was usually walking to my classes instead of riding jeeps (buildings are so far away from each other) and not very friendly. I rarely went out to eat. I only ate the three meals served in the dining hall and usually missed breakfast 'cause I like sleeping in. I wasn't very excited about the whole college thing. I felt like nobody was worth much of my time. Don't worry if this sounds really bitchy to you. I suffered the consequences alright. But at the same time I'm not sure I mind, because although I degenerated socially, I do believe I grew a lot inside. And usually I was just resisting the "suck up" culture. Social climbing makes my skin crawl. I'm not ashamed of that.

My brother is losing his appetite. Not in a scary unhealthy way, he's just eating like a normal healthy person now whereas he usually eats more like a grizzlybear; not as much as my older brothers, though.

I was like Hah! Maybe you're more like me! I lost my appetite during my first year. It came back in the third year though. I said as I patted my belly.

But he seems more excited than I am. I was very reluctant to go to college. Jaro is passive, but he rarely resists the flow. Maybe he'll do better than I did. At least I hope so.