Wreckage

I heard someone in a movie say yesterday that you can't be a failure if you didn't even try to start with.

That it makes you worse than a failure.

I'm going to be honest. I'm essentially lost at the moment. I'm met with regret left and right. I get nightmares about it.

• when people my age (or younger, or just a bit older) seem to have their lives all figured out
• when i think about school (i get nightmares about homework that hasn't been done or classes that need to be taken)
• when i realise how old i am (this, Emmanuel assures me is silly, he says 22 is young and i have a lot of time to get it together. But my own expectations of myself shoot me to the ground.)

But when I try to think about how it could have been if I'd done things differently,

• if i'd striven more to be like the people i was around
• if i tried to make them like me more
• if i tried to push myself harder to meet expectations

i think i'd still be as miserable, but even worse, i'd have lost myself in the process.

I believe, or at least want to believe, that no matter how happy, content, or well-adjusted people look from the outside, they all have struggles, and weaknesses, more or less in equal measurements (if such things can even be measured.)

And I hope, with a bit of desperation, that this path is my path, and I will make it mine very soon.

I'm haunted by time, and how I'm spending it. It seems like I'm only a starter. It's so hard to stick to doing things, and therefore in improving oneself. The bigger picture is a bit clear from here, but the details are lost on me and the hours I spend everyday do not make me feel like I'm moving towards a direction I want to move towards.

Maybe from a different angle, or from a greater distance from the situation, I'm actually getting there slowly.

But I don't want to give myself this resolve if it's only going to make me be complacent again.