Brighter

"I had everything I could possibly

want -yet I was failing to appreciate it. Bogged down in

petty complaints and passing crises, weary of struggling

with my own nature, I too often failed to comprehend the

splendor of what I had. I didn't want to keep taking these

days for granted. The words of the writer Colette had

haunted me for years: 'What a wonderful life I've had! I only

wish I'd realized it sooner.' I didn't want to look back, at the

end of my life or after some great catastrophe, and think,

'How happy I used to be then, if only I’d realized it.' "

                                                              -Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

     I suddenly see things in a better light, and I realize that I've forgotten how to be thankful for what I have.

To really be thankful.

      I know I should be, I know I'm lucky, all things considered, but I've been so focused on feeling inadequate and sorry for myself that it's as if I believe I've been dealt a bad card in life.

Observing Emmy makes me learn a lot of things. I never thought I'd say this during the days when we were starting and I felt we were so different, but there are things about him I really aspire to be like in my own life.

My Tonkatsu-makin baby. Watch the tray on the chair. it's fun to see the stuff appear and disappear.

     I feel like I'm always having to TELL myself to be content, but I'm always in a state where I'm looking for more. It's never enough. I'm always wanting something more. Something different. He's actually the opposite of that.

     He doesn't really try to be anything but himself. He might complain about things around him, and be wary of more things than I am, but when it comes to actually living his life, he's actually pretty easy-going. He knows what he likes, and it is what he has. He's actually very contented.

Meanwhile I'm always complaining about how I don't do enough, or how I'm too lazy, or bla bla bla bla bla.

I guess I've never really learned my lessons as well as I wished. (See? That statement itself is about discontent)

Ah well. I'm still learning. And it's always a good thing to be self-aware.

For the meantime, here are things in my life right now that I am happy about:

1. My mom let me get the lamp that caught my eye (my whole being really) when Carmen, Pia and I went to True Value T.T... It looks like the Pixar one! Luxo! I named her Pixie :)
2. Low calorie milkshakes that deserve their own post ;)
3. The fact that considering everything, My life is pretty good.
1. I have friends and family who love me
2. I have the means to take care of myself (eat healthy food, go to the gym etc)
3. I have access to pretty good reads (just now I downloaded a book I wanted to buy earlier)
4. All this without even a job. My mother takes care of me even though I've extended my stay in college for too long. I have the means even though I didn't work to earn it. 
5. Even with that, I have ideas, and have time to think them through
6. I always get second chances.
7. My boyfriend and I will be able to live like a normal couple for almost two whole months very soon!
1. And we actually are in love
2. And he takes care of me the best he can
3. And we dream of living our lives together and we're up-front about it which is a HUUUGE thing for me. I've always felt like I was always a dirty little secret before I met him. And now I'm someone's only one :) There are a lot of things to work out, but overall I think this is a pretty good deal!

I hope this light doesn't fade out too soon. I hope it stays this clear to me, how lucky I actually am.