it takes effort to be effortless

it's a big fat paradox, but adult life has taught me that paradoxes consist a lot of the biggest truths in life.

this particular one hit me while i was in the shower today, deliberately showering in the dark, so that i can block out mental chatter, close my eyes, and reframe my thinking so that i can proceed to work calmly instead of in a forced manner.

don't try to study, i told myself. just become a studious person. by which of course i meant, that instead of forcibly and begrudgingly pushing myself to doing things that feel unnatural, i should internalize the character of a person who does not need to be forced to do these tasks.

it takes effort to be deliberately effortless. when rachel ray or jamie oliver make 30-minute or 15-minute meals, they don't simply hack into it out of nowhere after getting out of bed, they prepare the ingredients beforehand, set up the kitchen a certain way, pre-plan fast ingredients into the recipes, so on and so forth.

Seems backwards, doesn't it? If it takes effort, then it can't be called effortless.

After four hours of deliberating, Mary Kate finally finds the perfect "I just pulled random stuff out of my closet and put them on" look.

Well, the trick is devoting effort towards a different direction. To plan action in an efficient way, so that you end up working smart, instead of hard.

to effectively be able to go through life in an easy breezy covergirl manner, you have to step back too, and not just walk forward. slowly and steadily. you know how they say that "life is a marathon, not a race"... You have to stop every once in a while to change tires or whatever to stay in shape and in the game for longer.

That's the piece of the puzzle that takes a back seat in a lot of the stuff I used to read about mind power and the like. Beware of anything you read that makes change sound like magic. It is like flipping a switch, but you have to translate the change in your mind onto your life on your own. There is still some work to be done after you've flipped that switch. So don't get so disheartened right away. Mind power does exist. But you have to put it to use practically.

But that's my personal experience. I'm no expert.

How about you guys? Do you ever take time to recollect yourself before you go through a big undertaking? Or are you effortlessly effortless? Can you just plow on without too much thinking/meditating beforehand and still produce great results? (I want to think that time will come eventually that I'll be able to be that way. Momentum and stuff.)

Anyway.


Life Updates:

• In a few days, a new puppy will be arriving to our house! it's a chipoo, that is, a chihuahua poodle mix, and I'm weirdly so excited to potty train it! haha.
• I've finally kinda started on my paper. But things have yet to become intense! But at least I'm starting a lot earlier than I normally would have. (which is too little too late)
• In case I haven't announced it yet, Beardy has already bought his plane ticket for June! YAY!
• Eldest brother had been doing a lot of decorating and our house feels more and more like a home.
• Going out to buy groceries still makes me feel very happy.
• I recently subscribed to this site after reading an article that was very enjoyable. :)

when you open your heart

when you open the door to expose your hurting

you become a vacuum for change and healing.

it's nice to feel unafraid, content and ready once in a while. especially when you've been feeling stuck in the opposite for so long.

to get back on my feet

to write songs again, to sing again, to play again, to paint again,

to get back in touch with my old strengths

and let them play with my new ones

my stronger mind, my greater sense of sympathy, my calmer state of being

the new ability to pause and pull my attention inwards instead of scaring myself with what's temporary outside

and to learn to do all this while being able to respond better to what the present moment calls for

this is my mission for now.

i want to put everything together and to come out wholler

it will always be a working progress, but it's not about getting there, but always being on the way

____

i bought watercolor pencils and have been practicing a little. but of course i can't really allow myself to get well into it until i'm freed of my real responsibilities. i'm gonna try getting back into singing and writing songs and whatnot, too. :)

look at some silly valentines with bad drawings i made with teh colored pencils yo

sorry bout all the greyness, i don't have photoscape to make things better

bye now

Don't be a victim.

nobody’s stopping you from expressing your thoughts. 

everyone has pain

and everyone who can express their pain have done their share of trying to find the words. 

just because you haven’t found yours doesn’t mean you can sit there and blame everyone else.

they struggled too. they fought too.

just try harder.

bolentimes day

hello! how has everyone's day(s?) been? (what's the proper form of that? everyone is a lot of people, who each have their own day, but in essence it is just the same day. this is a serious question. halp my engrish prease.)

today, i watched Ella Enchanted on DVD, and I began to watch The Prince and Me, but I wasn't feeling in the mood to watch something I've already seen... Until I switched to cable and saw 50 First Dates was on, and found myself watching it 'till the end.. heh. favorites.

we had dinner out with my family. we ended up eating at Royal Carribean where I usually go with friends, because there was nowhere else!!! every restaurant was full! and we have LOADS of choices here where i live.

i'd post pictures but, the fact that i can only use my laptop on safe mode puts me off >.< i should probably schedule times to borrow my mom's. for blogthings, photo archives, and to type down thesis stuff.

this was my face tho

aaaah my thesis! halp!

ill be okay.. i'll be okay.. i'll be okay...

i feel very erratic, unfocused and a little crazy. but i'm feeling very okay and like i'll eventually get in the zone. yoga helps a lot! mah badeh feels nice and tingly. and i feel myself improve every class! i can do the full bridge pose without assistance again! it's been years since i've done that. my valentines project went smoothly, and now i only have my thesis to attend to.. until my friend starts with hers because i'm assistant director in that film. what an honor!

i'll graduate, i'll graduate, i'll graduate.

:D

*crosses fingers reaaaally tight*

seriously though i think i'm going a little crazy. you should see me when i'm alone in my room! i keep singing jibberish D: but i'm theorizing that if i regress to a childlike mumbling state maybe it will spark my creativity? children are creative right, that's their thing? anyway i painted something.. but again i can't show them right now

AGH THIS HAS BEEN A WORTHLESS "UPDATE" BYE OKAY

i sold out!

hihi :) my best friend had reserved the last box ^^

(warning: i will just be gushing about the whole experience in this post XD don't expect much)

i'm very pleased with this project. my goals were realistic and i reached them, and it makes my heart feel really good! it did a lot of good stuff for my self esteem. as someone who always starts stuff and never finishes them, this makes me feel like a changed person, even though i only earned a few pesos and it was a small project to begin with. the important thing is, i had a vision, i followed it, and i actually believe in my product! and i enjoy doing every step! from melting, tempering, buttering the molds, putting in the fillings, unmolding, to wrapping them all up with foil, crepe paper and stickers! i even enjoyed assembling the boxes!

when people receive them, they tell me "ang laki pala!" (i didn't know they were this big!) and it puts a smile on my face to know that they felt that they got more than they expected to get! and it makes me feel really nice when they tell me they like it after they've tried them!

sigh. that's all. :)

house on a hill

i want a house

on a hill

the hill will house a garage and a workshop inside

and outside it will be our own little world

grass will grow all over it, with a winding path: stairs that lead to the gate of our house.

as you walk up the stairs you will see crops, a bunny pen,

and an island to have tea

surrounded by moving water, with vine crawling up its pillars.

at the side, where the water falls, there will be windows looking into the room inside

and it will look like hobbits live inside.

up the stairs behind the house, there will be a nice view

of whatever place we choose to live in

there will be space for me to meditate or do yoga

and more space to have tea with people we love

soon i'll plan the house itself, but for now i like the idea of the little hill. i might change my mind one day, but i have years and years to decide what my house will look like. 

my eyes hurt, i've been playing too much Papa's Hotdoggeria, but I've also touched my thesis (FINALLY) and only have two-three boxes left to sell of my Vday chocolates. :)

they haven't been selling like pancakes or anything, it's just that i made the sane decision to stick to a very small stock and, as i just learned, people tend to like buying gifts in bulk.

I learned a lot during this project, and have a few more lined up for this year to make up for how I can't really take a real job right away.

       This month my resolutions are framed around the theme "Be Responsible":

1. do your to-do list for the day
2. drop worthless preoccupations
3. wake up in the morning

so far, i'm doing well than i did last month. number 2 is a bit hard, especially because the definition of "worthless" isn't specific. i decided to listen to my inner compass. i do stop enjoying procrastinating after a while, even when it's a very enjoyable activity. once it doesn't make me happy anymore, it's worthless.

are any of you following any "resolutions" this year? i personally decided i can afford to make something rigid because i don't dwell much on "failures" (i rarely even call anything a failure) and i'm a very unstructured person. I can imagine how people who can function normally can't be bothered with added pressures in their life.

Do you have any goals set this year? Or resolutions? Or a bucketlist? I'd love to know :)

this is what has been going on

yup, i actually did it..

like i'd previously announced, i've "set up shop" kinda, and made the first batch of my chocolate candy hearts! i tried to be clever with this one, matching the fillings and the names. i hope people appreciate it ^^

so far i don't have a lot of likes on my page yet, but that's the reason why i planned very limited stocks for this project. i just want to sell all of the four small batches by the time valentine's day rolls in.

for now i'm using store-bought chocolate, but i'm really looking into making my OWN base chocolate! wouldn't that be fun?? i bought myself a break-off bar mold too, for non-seasonal stuff if i ever decide to do that. (i'll just make a small batch and keep the pictures on my site)

i need to learn how to get a bigger following. the scary thing about this is that it's going to be about relationship marketing, because the products i have in mind are so different from each other and random. i'll have to practice internet social skills and all that. but it's a good platform for learning i guess :) 

i feel like such a beginner but at the same time i feel like i'm more reasonable at tackling this this time around. i planned more and wrote stuff down more to make sure there's not a lot of surprises.

I honestly need to get more serious about my thesis paper though. March is approaching! it's so embarassing how long it's taken me to get on it :( but well. regret serves no one.