Eve

It's time for a change. I can see my pattern unfolding once again in this very blog. I have three unpublished drafts staring at me. Three unpolished "gems". I have an ideal in mind, and then I refuse stuff that I feel aren't "it" until refusal becomes what it's all about. A habit. Refusal to perform. To just do the work. Resistance, mighty resistance.

What was supposed to be a hands-on, honest to the core, insightful scrapbook has been reduced to the occasional musing about a lesson learned.. And it's usually only on the mind level. Fuck that. Seriously. That's been my problem for so long. I'm not going to settle comfortably right at the plateau of disappointment. This was supposed to be about body/soul level learning! Not about tight-assed paragraph forming (those were only supposed to come once in a while, when inspiration strikes). This is supposed to be a place where I go beyond the words and honestly try to paint a picture of life and growth as it happens. Dirty gem-cleaning and all included.

So where does this leave us? Well for one thing, I will have more personal stuff to share. I'm not sure where the point was that I got really sidetracked from my vision for this blog. I guess I was avoiding it due to fear of facing who I really am. This blog was really supposed to be about ME, essentially. But naturally I pushed it away from me. Depersonalized it. Afraid of leaving my mark. A behaviour that isn't totally new to me. As I begin to be more accepting of myself, a notion that is surprising to me because I guess I didn't sense the difference between openness and realness, I begin to realize how much out of touch I have been with my true self. I always looked outside to determine how to behave. I always tried to blend in one way or another. This isn't all bad, and I'm not saying I'll stop doing that. In fact at times, it's a really useful skill and a good talent to possess. But what has changed is that I'm starting to find and commit to who I am now. 

It's a very interesting area to inspect. First of all it's something I've always "known" was there. So it's a really funny and curious, the thought that I've actually never seen it before. It's as if I took it for granted. It's like suddenly noticing that you're breathing. You've always done it involuntarily, so it's weird to suddenly feel yourself willing every inhale to happen.

I have my boyfriend to thank for this discovery, on some level. He's the one person I know that is somehow the opposite of me: He's irrevocably himself. He can't (not a self-righteous "doesn't".. he literally CAN'T.) like stuff by default because it's socially acceptable. It always has to go through his own personal filter before his brain categorizes it under pass or fail. I never met a human like him before. It was all so new to me, this level of literally-personal taste. I guess, through some weird form of emotional/mental osmosis, and in a funny paradoxical rhetoric of fate (read: my over-adaptabilityness) it rubbed off on me. Or more likely, I subconsciously started considering this "me"-being hiding somewhere inside myself, who is non-negotiably herself and herself only. In knowing her I'm starting to find that I've got nothing real to lose by sticking to stuff closer to home, because I have a polestar in the form of her. I have a default setting. I already exist. As me. Flexibility is great and sometimes it's the one way to go, but lately it's become apparent that time is finite, and as one human being, this only makes me able to walk forward in time ONCE. My openness is good for synergy, but in synergy I do not have to BE others, I only need to be WITH them as efficiently as possible.

Sorry about my delay, universe. I'm just starting to realize how I'm myself and stuff. That Mulan song really hit it spot on kinda. I don't even fully recognize my own likeness in mirrors and photographs yet. I'm only coming to terms with all of this. But thanks for letting me know, and thanks for staying so weird and mysterious to me. It'd be boring otherwise.

Anyway, this post is called Eve, and yes, it isn't only about this personal eve of mine, but CHRISTMAS EVE! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! 

I thought long and hard about wearing my holiday outfit, I was half-thinking I should maybe save it for New Year, but Christmas won so this was what I wore tonight:

 In the spirit of Christmas honesty, (on Christmas you tell the truth), I would like to explain that these pictures that I took of myself make me look thin-ish. And I guess that's also how I see myself when I look at the mirror. But other angles in candid positions show me otherwise:

I'm clearly on the big side, especially around my arms. This isn't body-bashing, I'm just plainly saying that I'm not comfortable with this yet. I would like to get muuuch fitter. I've actually lost a bit of weight lately believe it or not. I've also started to eat a bit less. Pictures like this snap me out of the premature complacency slightly-looser clothes have been giving me. That's a good thing for my journey to realness. I can use all of the reality-checks I can get.

What's really cool is that mama gave me a juicer. I was like a child getting her first barbie. I will love making healthy stuff with this. I might also try to do a juice cleanse (proper one, not starving one).. I'm so excited about it, she looks like a little spaceship :3 I'm calling her Hannah. Cos that's soooo a vegan hippie girl name.

Sorry. Spirit of the night and wine is lulling me. To go. to. bed

It's playtime. :)

It's somehow became a trend in everything I read lately: what people regret when they're dying. It showed up in the book I just read, It showed up blogposts and facebook newsfeed updates. All from different people. We are mortal beings. We will die someday. What we have here in front of us, the Now, is all we have at any given time. And one day we won't be conscious of it anymore. We will become unconscious earth matter again. Wasting time is a greater sin than wasting electricity, money, water, anything at all.

Something happened in first period made me disappointed in myself today. It made it so clear how I've let many things that are so near to me slip by. But I'd dare say that actually feeling disappointed by something like that is a HUGE improvement on my part. Because I see now, clearly, how things can be really better. Why it's important to try. Why it's not a big waste of energy. I see that picture in my head, I see what I'm missing. And it all came to me before it's too late.

I feel my higher Self calling out to me, telling me it's time for another paradigm shift.. (I hear Scott Pilgrim in my head: "One of your famous paradigm shifts?")

When I came home, I was so set on making things right. I had a flash of a magical feeling of presence during third period while watching a documentary about Global Warming and I was planning to use it to its full potential. But somehow the afternoon turned into playtime with my nieces. First I was teaching my 8-y/o niece new french words (she likes making me teach her some french that I learn from class) and my 3-y/o niece kept piping in and so I let her join us. Then it turned into a wonderful wonderful time. We practiced handshakes, little tickling rhymes, and other games. Then we pretended to be animals. I was so fully immersed in these activities, fully going for it, ignoring whatever it was in my head that was making me a bit embarrassed about how silly I was being. The distinction between the adult and the children disappeared. All that was left were three children, just one "leading" with more experience and knowledge under her belt. But all of the things we were doing were not below me at all. We were equals.

It's time to look at independent life as one huge playground.

Why? I just put some things together, very recent things (as if the universe was singing me a song), and it all made sense:

1. It's useless to aim for "adultness". Because what is an adult anyway? Weren't we all kids at some point? What makes a kid any less of a human being than a fully grown human being apart from the fact that a child is new and has less responsibilities? I've always felt insecure about the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in a really childlike mindset. This has caused a lot of fear and resistance on my part. But I've now come to terms with the fact that there's nothing wrong with feeling like a kid having adult experiences. That maybe it's not me being a child. It's just who I really am, and that's okay. A person is a person is a person. I should apply the respect I have for children (trying to talk to them as equals instead of manipulating them with my advantages in practical knowledge and experience) to my own self. I am me no matter what age I am and I don't need to act in a way that isn't me.
2. Playtime creates REAL dreams, goals, aims, personalities. I know that treating life like it's playtime and to not take it seriously seems irresponsible. But when I really think about it, when I used to play games as a kid, when I pretended I was a doctor, a mom, a talented violin player, in my head, it was pretty darn serious business. It felt important. It was just pretend, but I really lived and was present in those "characters" much more than I ever have been in my real adult life so far. Playtime generates REAL, USABLE LIFE ENERGY. And if I employ the same enthusiasm and presence to my life now, there will be far more resistance and more enjoyment in every step I take.
3. It's all about self-validation. If this is what works for me, then I should use it! Awakening the child in me shakes off A LOT of the inhibition. It feels good being able to let go of all my preconceptions about how I should act. Or how I need to do things. Nobody else really knows what they're doing anyway.

Isn't this a more exciting concept anyway? Being a kid doing adult stuff? Having fun, doing what you want, but also KNOWING what you're doing and having the liberty to decide?

I agree. It definitely is. And if immersing myself in this paradigm shift is really all it takes for me to make the most of the time I've got left than isn't that just a classic case of "Back to Basics"? Ah well. I never would have really understood its importance the easy way.

The maintenance is just about as hard as the repair.

The teeniest tiniest push in the form of disorganized environment (having my nieces around or not having my planner around) sends me totally off-course! The first step that I always feel is crucial before I work on anything is organizing stuff around me, having the things I need already there, and the things I don't out of sight. But this sometimes is also my biggest enemy. I'm distracted even in this step and end up prolonging the process even more.

My book came in the mail recently.. It was less technical than I expected and a little too flowery than what I was hoping for BUT it stays true to what Esquire said about it. It really is a kick in the ass. It leaves you with ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE to be the piece of lazy lardmatter that you are. I can't say it makes you DO things, but it absolutely makes you realize that it's all in your hands. I haven't finished it yet and already it's put me into action in my poetry and writing. Too bad that's not what I really should be busy with yet.

PRIORITIES, B. PRIORITIES.

In other news, this weekend has been about nursing one of my famous bed-riddenning periods and making time to accompany my mom shopping and stuff. I felt kind of bad when, I suggested going to Divi and got her excited about it, then I told her I can't go cos of a shoot. So when the opportunity arrived, because I realised I wasn't ready and therefore postponed, I didn't let my period stop me from going with her. Best decision of the year. She ended up buyin me some really awesome shoes, a couple watches, organizer boxes and shorts. Going with her was the only thing I did to deserve that?!?! Aren't mothers awesome? :) (It's also worth to note that the Sausage McMuffin she got me (and my bro) for breakfast was really good. It reminds me of Burger Shop 2, and now that I know how good it is the game will surely give me more of the munchies the next time I play it.) I ended up using up my whole allowance for the week, but oh well. I still have some money saved and they were all pretty good buys.

(click images for descriptions. you will be redirected to my tumblr to view these.)

Alright well, I don't think I should linger here, got stuff to do, way behind of a lot of things, so bye!

Sticking to it

"Once you learn how to quit, it becomes a habit."-Lombardi, Vince

I saw a guy walk down the corridor on Friday wearing a shirt with these words on it. I was sat on the side of the corridor waiting for the people still inside the classroom at about 11:15 to get out so I can get in for my 11:30 French class. My gaze lingered long after I've managed to actually read the words (he was walking after all) absorbing what that moment, seeing those words, just meant to me. And it did mean something to me. I usually scoff at anyone wearing any shirt with some unfunny/non-awe-inspiring/tacky quote on it but I've actually never read that quote before (I had to Google to find out who said it) and although it's not actually the most insightful thing I've ever read (there are far too many quotes in that nature, a lot of stuff out there far more striking) it actually did apply to me. I felt a light pang of guilt as I stopped looking at the guy's shirt and back to the floor.

(I WILL try to work on my parenthesis addiction do not worry)

Since my main vision for this blog is me sharing my .."story" from inaction to action and whatever comes after (I'm trying to make this sound as less narcissistic as possible, bear with me) I think it's only fit to introduce the antagonist of the story. But for the sake of avoiding the blame game, and knowing ultimately that we are all our own worst enemies in the fight of becoming -and the resistance to it-, let's call it the conflict of this story instead:

My inability to commit to anything.

And it's not so much looking at something I'm currently in the middle of and deciding "this is boring I don't want to do this anymore", but more of unconsciously swerving off the road and enjoying drawing donuts on the grass with my bicycle wheels, totally forgetting about what I'm supposed to be doing.

Same principle with entering a room and forgetting what you were meaning to retrieve by going there the second you walk in the door. The feeling of purpose stays there, bugging you: "THERE IS SOMETHING I TOTALLY NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW!!" but the object of that feeling somehow gets flushed by Jorge (little janitor guy in my head that keeps sweeps my immediate memory clean) down the toilet.

It wasn't always this way, I spent quite a few years trying to relax. I freaked out a lot when I was younger. I would dare say I was a bit of an over-achiever. Kind of. And I guess I've successfully relaxed myself during my college years. But with a price. Not much, if at all, achievements. But because of the chillax thing that wasn't much of a problem or cause for anxiety. I felt solid. One with the universe, Enlightened and all of that new-age crap. Until I started comparing myself to people that have "changed" so muuch. Then a dear friend made me realize that it only looks that way from the outside. I changed SO MUCH on the inside. And if we put two and two together maybe I grew up just as much as they did. But I started with internal battles instead of the outside. And boy was there a lot to change in my perceptions and motivations. I actually feel like I see the world now. And that I've gained a better understanding of things. Everything is so simple, and that's nice.

But see, when it comes to REAL ACTION (that yield tangible results), I've conditioned myself so much to let go that it keeps happening by default. I rationalize, put off, procrastinate, all in the subconscious impulse to feel okay. But recent events, a certain person in particular, had made me realize how boring that is and how much I'd rather take the bad with the really good rather than investing everything on being stable and safe in the middle.

My paradigm changed on that, but putting those words into actions is a different story. I'm still crossing that bridge right now as we speak.

I've read a lot of productivity and self-improvement tips, advice, and techniques in my long path of finding myself in my college years (has yielded a lot of eye-rolling, mostly on my part which can be disturbing), and I've learned that there is no way around consistency. There is a way around focus, there is a way around efficiency, there is a way around calmness, inspiration, motivation, creativity. But when it comes to sticking to things, there are no shortcuts. There may be techniques that will remind you to do stuff when you intended to, but in the end,  you just have to actually DO the stuff. I find this very hard because of my "out of mind, out of responsibility" default setting, which is great for peace of mind, but in life we have to keep improving, people. I feel ready to take on more than just my emotional well-being and calmness.

So yeah. There's me coming clean with my creativity's arch-enemy. Working my way through it, folks.

Five Favorite Things Friday!! V.2 (University Life Edition)

Look, look, I know it's a Sunday but it was the first week of classes and the pressure and exhaustion has gotten to me and I just had to hit the sack "early" friday night and have been making miniature sets with my crew today. And I wrote this list down while I was in the library friday morning, so it counts!

This week it's all about uni life because I just survived my first school week of my last semester in uni :)


1) Snacking
I am a heavy girly. This isn't a complaint or self-depreciation but simply a fact. I'm 5'4 and 130-140 pounds. I've got a wide frame, and I have a considerable amount of pooch at my belly. Therefore I benefit from anything that makes me stop stuffing my tummy too much. Snacking helps in this regard, especially for someone like me who has a schedule that is continuous. I didn't opt to have a lunch break this semester. I eat little amounts every three hours or so of anything at all. I eat like a hotdog and a bite of egg, or a banana and water before I leave my aunt's house where I stay during school days. Then around 11 o'clock I eat a single serving of Hello Panda or something. I eat mentos when I get sleepy in class, and then I eat a full dinner. Now of course my choices still need improvement, I don't really eat very healthy things but portion control is also an accomplishment!

Snacking > Eating three meals because: if I wait till I'm free to eat a full meal I usually feel hungry by then and tend to eat more.

Snacking = more yummyness, less calories, less stomach stretching, more munching! All goood.


2) Socks


This may sound like a weird one, and maybe it is, but let me explain: I walk a lot around campus, and my feet are annoyingly sensitive! Luckily I've invested (well my mom has I guess) on lots of pairs of new socks recently. And well I guess I've also worn my chucks in finally :) So now they're comfier.

Thanks to socks I was able to wear my shoes all four days instead of alternating with flip flops (:c) like before.

3) My foldable water anti-bottle.

source

It's very handy and I love how I can just chuck it in my bag when I'm done with it and it barely occupies any space. And I like having water around me at all times. I don't feel like I always have to buy refreshments. Saves money and lets me avoid unhealthier options.

4)My iPod
Walking just isn't the same without my background music. I love listening to stuff I just downloaded :)

5)Facial Moisturizer with sunscreen

I use this one.

It lets me feel good about what I'm doing to my body by walking in the sun without feeling bad about what I'm doing to my skin by walking in the sun.

In other news, last 11/11/11, the boyfriend has announced that he has already bought the tickets to come visit me next summer! Yup. Mother has been less than enthusiastic about the idea of having my boyfriend come live with us for two whole months, but I trust that my good boy will win her over.

In other other news, today my crew and I have started making sets for my film together. They are staying over the whole weekend. I hope we finish a huge chunk of the work this weekend.

I'm exhausted, but I feel that things are happening, and that feels nice. :)

An Open Letter to MRT Commuters

(inspired by the post made by Miss Cat Triviño, which you can view here)

I'll make this short and sweet and simple, which is actually the point I will get to at the end of the day:

Let the passengers in the train alight first before you squeeze yourself in.

That's it! Amazingly simple right? But I've used the MRT quite a lot of times, and after all of the agitation and furiousness had melted away, I slowly just found myself highly (and sometimes quite sadly) amused by how completely LUDICROUS this behaviour is.

REALLY? You really believe the train is going to close right after it opens that you feel the need to push everyone inside BACK IN before they even get the chance to *gasp* HEAVEN FORBID, CLEAR A SPACE FOR YOU!!! OH NO!

Are you so set in getting a seat that it somehow suddenly makes sense to outrun the people inside the train wanting to come out? You do realize that you're not competing with them right? I mean they are facing the other way. Do you also force new trash into your waste bin and pull out the old trash one by one? Cos it's the same logic kind of.

It's SO BLEEPIN' SIMPLE. We were all born to discern this! While I'm at it, let me add:

1. When someone goes to the platform right in front of the landing, you FOLLOW BEHIND THEM. You don't go beside them in football-defense mode inching your way to the door to get ahead of them. You're both getting in, and if not, that person reserves more of a right than you since they were there first! COMMON SENSE.
2. Full things need to be emptied to carry more stuff.
3. Friction decreases speed. The less space there is inside to move about, THE LONGER IT WILL TAKE FOR EVERYONE TO GET OUT/GET IN and therefore, the longer it will take you to get to your destination.

Let the passengers in the train alight first before you squeeze yourself in.

Note to Self V.1 (the PLASM troubleshooting technique)

Dear B,

You are such a scatterbrain. I understand though that when you feel drained, you find it easier to go on autopilot. For example, whenever you've just come home from school and are looking for something, you often open every zipper and look everywhere "instinctively" instead of just taking a moment to think about where it is and taking it. This is bad because you lose more time and energy by doing this. Your brain doesn't necessarily wear your body out if you think a little bit more about things, in fact your brain will thank you for the much needed exercise. Face it, you're past 20 and it's not getting any younger. Remember that episode on Discovery or Nat Geo about brain plasticity? You're not a kid anymore. Your child prodigy days are over and you slacked off towards the end. It's high bleepin' time you made up for that, which you already know, but have a hard time doing something about.

You need something that's easy to absorb and digest to keep you on track. I know how you've been reading lots of books and articles to help yourself, but you have NO WILLPOWER WHATSOEVER and when you're in that autopilot vegetable state, there's little hope for comprehension of any long-winded statement or wisdom nugget to put you back on track. You just do what you do when you do what you do. (QED, you use that statement a lot. More than you should.)

Well, we (you and me, which is.. really just me :c) deviced a five-step, single-word "mantra" for you to remember. A whole method condensed into bite-sized words, aimed to make functionality more accessible to you. Or us. Or me. (:c)

Oh, and look! I just wrote them down right now and realized that the five initials of the words actually form the word "Plasm". (kind of nothing short of perfect I guess for brain-exercising and retention of plasticity cos according to this, "plasm", coming from the word "plasma", means "to mold" in latin.) I actually thought of this a while ago, just the main germ of it, though. You already know this, cos you were there too, but well in case your/our/my(that sounds crazy) memory needs refreshing:

I was in the middle of an autopilot fit, and much worse, I was already aware of it and panicking. When this happens I usually end up talking to myself. And I did. I heard myself say "OKAY, SHUSH. Stop. Aim. Fire." as if I was talking about shooting targets. First I thought: "Bea get a grip wtf are you talking about you sound crazy etc etc etc." Then I realized that in a way, it wasn't so crazy. I was shooting items off of to-do lists. I suddenly realized the hidden wisdom behind the word Troubleshooting (okay, it was probably not hidden at all, but well, as life has taught me many times, to learn on the think-level is different from learning on the do-level). 

Now B, here are the complete steps of your new mantra(I HOPE YOU USE IT):

1. Pause. Stop yourself dead on your tracks the second you observe yourself going on autopilot. It's hard to take action right away when you're at it, so your first step is achieving non-action. Be still. When you realise you're going the wrong way you have to stop before you turn back. Stop, relax, recollect yourself. But only for a second. Once you're there,
2. Look. Observe the problem or situation ahead. What are you doing exactly? Where are you in the process? What is its significance? What's the problem? What needs solving? What is your goal? Imagine it clearly and
3. Aim. What should you be doing to get there? Where do you need to go? Begin with the end in mind. Plan the steps. For a big project, plot your save points. Build a map of action. This is where "work smart, not hard" comes in. It doesn't matter how many bullets you get off if they're all aimless. Don't waste your ammo. Be precise. Try to make every action count.
4. Shoot. Put your plans and ideas into action. Always the step you miss, but your chances are higher when you combine it with the rest of this method. Just DO THE WORK.
5. Maintain. Do it again. Make it a habit. This is your biggest problem area so far. You do it right the first few times, but you don't keep at it. Don't stop shooting until the zombie is dead. Then start shooting the next upcoming zombie. This step makes this whole method come full circle. This step reminds you that you can, and must keep going. This tells you, after you become productive, to stay productive. This is the clasp that keeps the bracelet from falling off. This is th-you probably get it by now. 

Again: Pause, Look, Aim, Shoot, Maintain. I hate to be so anal about it, but to change stubborn people like you takes a lot of creativity.