Latenight Musings on a Friday - Humanity, Flaws, Just being.

Staying sane and grounded in life depends on such a delicate balance between trying the best you can but also not being too hard on yourself. I've been thinking a lot about missed opportunities, and the way everything somehow seems clearer just when it becomes too late to do anything about them, and I realized a sad but ultimately reassuring thing: this is what being human is like.

In the silence of pondering the past, there is a lot of clarity available that is simply difficult to access when we are out there living our lives. Some degree of automation - passiveness to scripts, patterns and muscle memory - is simply a natural thing that comes with being human. It is something we evolved into to be able to survive better. Now, after we have made a life for ourselves where we don't really need that to survive, it is still there, looming and sometimes causing more harm than good, but we constantly learn to deal with it. We just haven't evolved beyond it yet as a species.

Of course that is me speaking practically, and at the end of the day, our will has developed to be bigger than our nature can currently contain, and we will always feel the pull towards overcoming that. Towards being in complete control - and that too, is natural. When the need for something is too big for what the current state of nature can contain - that is where change arises. That is how we came to be as we are through eons of evolution.

On a more personal note, I've been trying to seize the reins on this blog too - on all of my interests, really. I'm still grasping on anything that can make me feel more functional and productive in a way that makes me happy. I just want to get into a comfortable space where I'm constantly moving forward. But of course... Sloth. It's a tale as old as time... "It's just so much easier to sleep for ten hours every day and just stare into nothing to recuperate from that" ...There is no real excuse. But at the same time, I'm not going to whip myself raw with regret.

I still feel the spark, and I do believe I am constantly improving in one way or another, in many aspects of my life. The most important thing I've been learning is how to be kind. To myself and others. And I feel freer because of it. I feel that lately I am able to communicate myself a lot better than I have in many, many years. And I am hoping to bridge the gap for people who were like me when I was in that dark tunnel of anxiety and disconnection from the world and words, so that they can come out to a more comfortable place for them too. When I was there it was difficult to accept advice from people who make everything seem so effortless when it comes to speaking out and dealing with other people. I found them... a little scary. Sometimes I still do... An awkward moment of silence or a fraction of a second's worth of a look on someone's face can be enough to make me want to disappear and remove myself to stop inconveniencing them and to stop causing myself stress. But lately I've been learning to ride that uncomfortable wave and just send myself some reassurance instead. I'm hoping my years of social anxiety have provided me enough insight that I may be a gentler figure people like me might be more inclined to gravitate towards so we can help each other branch out a little more.

How I will do that I'm not completely sure yet, but I'm more and more sure everyday and even if it's just a fraction of an inch forward, it's still progress and I'm really done with pressuring myself with arbitrary deadlines. Even if I just fall dead one day without doing anything amazing, it's not like someone's keeping score. All that matters is that I'm happy while I'm alive.

PS: I just filled this with some images I took that I find particularly calming or soothing, no real connection whatsoever and not even really recent pics except for the first one which was from our SG TRIPPP which I am going to write about one of these days, I'm just going to upload the pictures.

inkscapades

Hiya guys! It's meeeeeeeeee

I told you I'd tell you more about inkstuff so here I am :)

I went to a workshop on October 10, a calligraphy class. I decided to go because I wanted to exert myself more artistically - I've sort of been on this personal quest to re-ignite my passion for stuff I like to do and stuff.

The workshop was held by inkscribbler (refer to the links on the folder!) and it was very nice, relaxed, and inspiring. There were other creative women in the room and I think it paid off just to be in the same space as these women. Changed my energy for sure, for the next weeks after.

thanks inkscribbler!!

After the class I bought some additional nibs pictured below, and then I went to National Bookstore and got a brushpen just because I thought I wouldn't find them locally and even told one of my workshopmates about that fact, then I suddenly found brush pens at the bookstore!!! (I think I even saw her there but I wasn't sure, her back was turned and she was walking away and you know how socially awkward I am)

the middle one is the free one  ; i bought the other two :)

I found another bottle of ink that's been in our house for a long time from when my older brothers did calligraphy in high school. It's nice because one of the nibs needs a thicker consistency, and the old one has gone a bit thick. I also mixed up some water and poster paint to have a red "ink"

And I also made this bluish green one which I've transferred somewhere else since.

My brother has since passed the nib and holder they used in highschool to me:

I've been doodling and practicing and it feels great and relaxing and rewarding and nice.

see the tiny paper? look down!

I've also been trying to write longer stuff, I know it might wear my nibs out but I like the practice.

I wrote this one while watching Kiki's Delivery Service. It's funny cos it's kind of how I feel about calligraphy. It's that thing I'm doing to ease my mind and to feel good and creative. I feel in my zone lately, so at least for me, this truly is good therapy.

Adventure Time and Other Cute Room Things tour

Just wanted to do a quick photopostin of the cute things I have in my room and my mini adventure time collection!

Remember my little friend? He reminds me of Steven Universe sometimes cos his LED light looks like a crystal gem and because when I use this dragon flashdisk on his hand he looks like Steven from the kitten hands episode!! My brother loves that show.

I've been collecting silica packets from snackstuff because I read somewhere that they might be good to keep in one's camera bag, but because camera bag is in the laundry/had been dusty, they've just been propped on my camera pillow until I got the idea of keeping them in this really cute translucent pouch I never had a real use for. I love that it's completely breathable and perfect for the purpose. I also cut the corners of the packets to round them up - they kept poking me and snagging! wasn't nice. I can't really speak for the benefits of this tip yet, but better safe than smoggy.

I just finished a mega-cleaning of my desk! Rearranged so much stuff, I've got so many cups and jars and boxes and stuff, and it looks like a mess but I usually know where to get anything and where everything goes, much more now that I've arranged them to be more effective. Still looks messy though! But I love it.

I bought the gemlike magnets I always see at Sleepcare! Gourdo's has been on sale all month and they had them in the Alabang branch half off. I'm hoping I can go back this weekend cos turns out, I want more haha. 

They came with this metal panel that I stuck to my desk "wall" with thumb tacks so it can be a magnet board! NEAT! I've been meaning to frame this picture of Emmy in colonial Philippines garb but this works just as well - that cardboard frame thing came with the copy when it was given to us . 

That postcardy thingy is part of a series - on the same trip where I got the magnets, I also bought some kiddie coloring pens, the really cheap ones and I drew a whole lot with them and made postcards inspired by the stuff I saw in bookstores when we were out

These are the ones I made for my best friends. The leftmost one was clearly the first haha.

This postcard/ art bug kind of got inspired in part by the calligraphy class I took last October 10. I'll be writing more about my ink adventures on the next post! Meanwhile this is my improved set-up for my inks and nibs:

I keep my nibs in the panda's head and my inks in this newly-freed container which used to contain very random odds and ends. I put those things where they belong and now this is free for my calligraphy ink supplies. I also keep some watered-down paint in it to use with my nibs :D

And noooow, my Adventure Time thingies

Emmy let me take all the available ones because he is the best boyfriend

My BMO and Ice King notebooks - my favorites from the first and second collections of the Moo promo :D

And I didn't stop there! I even saved the milk boxes, cut em, cleaned them, and now they're cute additions to my white house minicabinet :) Functional too, you can keep hairpins in them or something.

This one's not part of the collection obviously, although it looks like it could be an Ooo tree. It's the paperclip fountain I made - a nice way to allow myself to choose what color of paperclip I want and getting it easier instead of having to shake the bottle for the right color to come out! This inspired me to do a video on it, but it kinda seems too easy to warrant its own video? But I can probably use the practice, so I'll look into it!

Anyway that's today's mini room tour, I might make more of these because they are fun and I like my room a lot! *carful bea ur inner hikikomori is showing*

SEEYA LATER DUDES!

quick nail art tip

Last night i felt like fiddling with my nails.. (do any of you ever get that ~itch~ to do your nails? no? am i being weird?) only problem was i already love my current nail color..  In any case, i figured out a way to get a nail art fix without removing my current polish.

The pictures aren't very good as they were taken pre-cleanup and look messy (tip: taking a shower after polish had dried cleans it right off) but I think you get the idea. I took these photos in a rush because it was an impulse kind of thing!

 If you like this look anyway, feel free to follow through these simple step by step instructions!

Note: I already had nail polish on, so put and dry your bottom colors on if you haven't already, before the stripping part. I only did my ring nail (and my thumb on impulse) and it was already in a different color (black with blue glitter) beforehand.

Tape Pattern Nail Art

1. As with anything, the first step is to gather what you need.

Scissors and Tape

 I use some regular scissors and this blue tape I got years ago; you can use any regular scotch tape that doesn't stick too much and leave residue. this one peels clean off, i like it! the color is like paint tape but it's more like thin plastic.

And your preferred nail polish, of course :)

Here we have my favorite Super Nova from Bobbie, and the lilac polish I got a while ago from Caronia, a nice bright blue from Face Shop, and a colorless top coat, from Caronia again.

Try to pick very liquid polish formulas! No thick or gummy formulas because it will be a mess when you peel the tape off.

*tip: for glitter x regular patterns, it's better to use the glitter polish as the bottom color as this leaves no risk for glitter pieces being caught by the tape and messing up the lines.


2. You will need to prepare the tape strips ahead because it can be annoying to fiddle with scissors with wet nails. You have to get the scissorwork out of the way.

Cut the tape into thin strips

It will depend on the pattern you like, but it's generally a good idea to cut even widths. In my case, i found it a bit hard (Brooklyn Nine Nine was very distracting) so I cut much more than I needed and paired off equal ones to make a varying pattern. try to cut them as parallel as you can.

3. Apply tape strips in desired pattern !!!

Apply the strips, leaving space for the top polish.

Remember that the spaces you will tape over will be the spaces in your bottom polish that will show up. So in the case of glitter polish, you can maybe pick areas with the best looking glitter and move your pattern around to show it ^w^

The pattern I wanted was a V pattern, so I paired off even strips and applied them one by one, center first, making sure that the angles are perpendicular and aligned so that the two strips look like one V. Push down up to the edges of your nails. The tape needs to be laid flat all across your nail for it to work like a stencil. Otherwise, polish would seep under. Try to also apply the strips as parallel as possible. Unless, of course, you don't want a parallel design. (Who knows! Could work.)

4. Apply your top color onto the spaces between the lines

Try to apply it smoothly, unlike the sleepy sloppy genius that I was last night.

5. Peel off the strips to reveal pattern!

Before the polish dries, peel off the strips. 

This needs to happen before it dries, because you don't want the liquid particles to form an emotional bond with each other and try to stick together when you peel their friends off with the tape. It will make your nails really messy and it will be very sad to watch them be pulled apart.

You can opt to now apply top coat - it will make the edges smoother and in the case of glitter polish, it will enhance the sparkles!

There you go ~ I hope you give this a try. There are many different patterns you can do and you can use more than one color. Make sure to link me to the pictures if you do!

Coincidences be Puzzling

When Emmy was still here this summer, we looked for jigsaw puzzles that we could put together well, together. We were getting really into playing games -real games-, not computer ones. In fact, when I cleaned up a bunch of my stuff recently, I managed to fill a whole plastic crate thing with game stuff we used like the card games he's left behind, among many other things, like the scrabble game we bought together while he was here.  I also added in the crossword book I've had since I was little that's mostly unanswered. We took to giving it a go when we ran out of games, which happened since we played a lot, especially during times when the internet or even electricity was out of order.

I really feel grateful that he encourages things like this to bond over that allows us to connect by actually disconnecting -from the internet, or even watching films, even though that's usually nice. There's something endearing and refreshing about doing activities one would have done if they were back again in the 90's, tactile things that require focus, interaction, and well.. allows eyes to rest from constant strain from using the computer.

We never really found a good jigsaw puzzle while he was here, they were either too easy, or too expensive. Sometimes, you'd find one with a price you'd almost be willing to spend - if it wasn't so ugly.

So when I walked around National Bookstore (unsurprisingly) and saw a 500 PIECE puzzle worth only 134 pesos, i knew it was a rare, amazing deal. ESPECIALLY since the images were not ugly. I wasn't even particularly looking for a puzzle at the time! It was a magical moment.

Two in particular caught my attention. One was a saily ship and the other one was a painting of a nice house with lots of flowers that reminded me a lot of What Dreams May Come which I'd just rewatched the day before. The house reminded me more of myself while the ship reminded me of Emmy... He LOVES big boats. Also I'd mistaken the flag to be french because it was so small on the image. I decided to take the ship. First, it was much more challenging because of the amount of space that was just basically sky and sea (I had a rare mood of bravery) Second, it makes sense to get the one that reminds me of Emmy since I don't think I'd have noticed it had he not inspired me to look for puzzles!

(Third, there was only one of this and two of the other one... I actually might come back to try and get it too.)

When I got home, I told him the great news and showed him a picture of the box.

He then asked me if I could see the name... That's when I realised it might have not been a French ship after all. I suddenly noticed additional insignia on the tiny liddol flag on the illustration. I told him it looks something like... "CVAVATEMOC". My slight disappointment was short-lived, however, when I found out that the reason he asked me was because it looked familiar...

...because he had been on this very ship before.

How in the~

..................................

HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!?!?!

So not only did I chance upon a really good puzzle with a really good price that reminded me enough of Emmy to be perfect for the purpose of coping with not having him here to play games with, the ship in the damn photo had to actually even be a ship that he had actually been on before when he was little.

for contrast, here's an angle wherein the flag is super huge for a change

It's called Cuauhtemoc and it's Mexican. But since thinking it's French sold me on it, it's kind of serendipitous that I had a colorblind moment.

I've been having a grand ol' time piecing it together so far. It's my VERY FIRST ADULT SIZED JIGSAW PUZZLE. I've never even done a hundred piece puzzle before, not even a fifty piece one. So this is kinda huge for me. Literally too. For a sedentary person though puzzles can be a bit of a work out I now realise. But that might just be due to my decision to do everything on the floor.

Had an uncanny coincidence like this happened years ago, I know how I would have reacted, what I would have thought. I would have immediately thought something magical or otherwordly was orchestrating it... But now that I've grown up (yes, grown up enough for a grown up puzzle!) I can see that coincidences are amazing on their own. Dare I say, they are even more amazing because  they are random. As my former superstitious self, I would have looked for signs to believe something is right for me, and when I get signs, I ask for signs to tell me that they mean what I hope they mean.

 But now I take "signs" like these to be things that make real things extra good... Coincidences are not a means to an end anymore but their very own amazing wonderful magical selves. I already know what my relationship means to me. I already know we will both stay together for as long as we can. And our chances at making it depend on just luck, circumstance, and mostly our own will and doing. Just like any other couple. I don't need signs. But surprises like these are welcome. And will most likely be framed in our living room in the future.

i get by with a little help

Ahh, I've missed this feeling. Being newly showered after the sweat, grime, and heat of a day well spent with great friends.

me before leaving home today!

It's not something I thought I'd miss.. To be honest I never really paid attention to it. But my body recognized the feeling. I guess it enjoyed it a lot before even though my mind never took notice until now.

My friends and I scheduled a McDonald's get-together today; I'm sure you've heard that Twister Fries are back, and I really wanted some. And I also missed my friends quite a bit, so I thought... why not just go there and eat twister fries together rather than ordering for delivery and eating alone, since two of them lived near where McDonald's is anyway!

I wanted to sing to my McSpicy and Twister Fries. Oh how I've missed them so.

(and i felt the exact same way about my friends, to be honest. Even Carmen who I just hung out with a week ago.)

It was super fantastic. Afterwards, Pia finally got to bring us to the Café she's been wanting to show us for such a long time. You Got Baked. It was better than expected.

Nice atmosphere, nice books, and it was kinda cute to me that the girly cafe had boys behind the counter. They were nice and smiley and actually fit the ambiance very well XD Then, of course, ISAW! Duh. Haha. I guess it's unconventional to eat streetfood after a meal and dessert, but, where would you put streetfood in the sequence anyway? it's its own thing. just kidding. logically it probably should have been first.

We talked about everything from personal stuff, what's to come soon in our lives, to stuff that made us cry/choke in laughter to great big world issues that little ol us feel too small in the world to change, but we still felt inspired and empowered by each other to try. It sure does help that I have such inspiring friends ~ for example, Aizel just got a design approved for the electronic shuttle buses in Makati! I feel so freakin proud and happy for her :) the whole concept of electronic shuttle buses is so important and revolutionary in my opinion, so the fact that she can take part in it is such a huge thing.

it was bitin -we certainly felt supercharged and still yearnin for more brainstormin', but since we've all agreed to regularly meet for collaborative activities, projects, short side ventures (that Pia had wittily coined OJT - "own job training" XD)  and self-managed skill classes (we're gonna teach each other stuff! how cool!!) then we'll all surely be together again for more of these electric, productive, empowering moments.

I might manage to take more pictures next time.

in the flowery flux

our lives are in a constant state of comings and goings. potential transformations start as a single pioneering bud in the landscapes of our being; some die out but some just spread like wildfire, forever changing the landscape with the bright colors of their opening buds: changing who we are, or how we see everything, or both. but even these things are subject to change. 


Yesterday i had the privilege of bonding with Carmen. We talked about general life stuff over homemade pudding milk iced tea. We even got to use the tarot cards and they were entertaining as usual.

We almost did our default activity of watching something on the laptop, but instead we just sat there, talking, and we were glad we did. We talked about how different we were, and how different our conversations sounded, the way we handled things and our emotions was different, apart from the unavoidable change in the content of our conversations, as we're graduates now, trying to establish what we'll do in our lives, instead of hormonal teenagers.

just leavin this here as a reminder of the nice cool bedweather the day we hung out and also because flower sheets are pretty (.. and goes with the theme haha)

There were a couple of moments while I was making the tea where Carmen said she was mesmerised by watching, and it brought my attention to how peaceful life is lately. Maybe it's our efforts at living in the present more, or the fact that we're in steady places in our lives, or a combination of both. But it was nice to be around someone who wants the same things and desires to interact with the world the same way as I do. I'm very thankful to have managed to keep a nice handful of friends with me from childhood. Those who I've managed to link arms with admist the waves of change. If there's one thing I would have wanted my younger self to know when I was in my troubled years, it's that I don't need much to be happy. I don't need dozens of friends, just a few that are honest, kind, loving and open to knowledge. I don't need to be perfect, I just have to be doing things I love regularly, and get better at them as a result. I don't need to the best at anything, I just need to keep trying. And all I need to have a good time is good company.

carmen left her hairtie so i let miaumiau hold it. carmen gave her to be as a xmas gift ^^

our lives are in a constant state of comings and goings. pieces of us will thrive and pieces of us will die. it's all about favoring the pieces we prefer through establishing the idyllic environment that will enable these pieces to thrive.