In the silence of pondering the past, there is a lot of clarity available that is simply difficult to access when we are out there living our lives. Some degree of automation - passiveness to scripts, patterns and muscle memory - is simply a natural thing that comes with being human. It is something we evolved into to be able to survive better. Now, after we have made a life for ourselves where we don't really need that to survive, it is still there, looming and sometimes causing more harm than good, but we constantly learn to deal with it. We just haven't evolved beyond it yet as a species.
Of course that is me speaking practically, and at the end of the day, our will has developed to be bigger than our nature can currently contain, and we will always feel the pull towards overcoming that. Towards being in complete control - and that too, is natural. When the need for something is too big for what the current state of nature can contain - that is where change arises. That is how we came to be as we are through eons of evolution.
On a more personal note, I've been trying to seize the reins on this blog too - on all of my interests, really. I'm still grasping on anything that can make me feel more functional and productive in a way that makes me happy. I just want to get into a comfortable space where I'm constantly moving forward. But of course... Sloth. It's a tale as old as time... "It's just so much easier to sleep for ten hours every day and just stare into nothing to recuperate from that" ...There is no real excuse. But at the same time, I'm not going to whip myself raw with regret.
I still feel the spark, and I do believe I am constantly improving in one way or another, in many aspects of my life. The most important thing I've been learning is how to be kind. To myself and others. And I feel freer because of it. I feel that lately I am able to communicate myself a lot better than I have in many, many years. And I am hoping to bridge the gap for people who were like me when I was in that dark tunnel of anxiety and disconnection from the world and words, so that they can come out to a more comfortable place for them too. When I was there it was difficult to accept advice from people who make everything seem so effortless when it comes to speaking out and dealing with other people. I found them... a little scary. Sometimes I still do... An awkward moment of silence or a fraction of a second's worth of a look on someone's face can be enough to make me want to disappear and remove myself to stop inconveniencing them and to stop causing myself stress. But lately I've been learning to ride that uncomfortable wave and just send myself some reassurance instead. I'm hoping my years of social anxiety have provided me enough insight that I may be a gentler figure people like me might be more inclined to gravitate towards so we can help each other branch out a little more.
How I will do that I'm not completely sure yet, but I'm more and more sure everyday and even if it's just a fraction of an inch forward, it's still progress and I'm really done with pressuring myself with arbitrary deadlines. Even if I just fall dead one day without doing anything amazing, it's not like someone's keeping score. All that matters is that I'm happy while I'm alive.
PS: I just filled this with some images I took that I find particularly calming or soothing, no real connection whatsoever and not even really recent pics except for the first one which was from our SG TRIPPP which I am going to write about one of these days, I'm just going to upload the pictures.