Nugget

when something goes wrong, do something within your power to actively make something go right.
this life is yours to make happen.


Think of your experience as a sheet of aluminum. when punches hit you and dents your surface, punch back up to make it even again. Doing something to make something better will make up for the shitty feelings, and good mood is key to doing things inspiredly.

Live life on purpose.

Trusting the Process

..But taking (the right kinds of) action, will.


Here's my meditation topic for everyone today!

Personally my hard drive just died so I will be living a highly offline life until I get to buy a new one (I'm broke so who knows when that will be) and I will be trying to use this time to immerse myself in the present, rooting myself into all the power available to me and and relishing the change I should be able to be responsible of if I just trusted the process and stop letting my idea of the future ruin the present. 


To me this means trusting the process for the meantime, knowing that I will ultimately an outcome that (more or less) matches the efforts I give. And allowing myself to feel peachy and positive for the meantime because good vibes can only influence towards the neutral or the positive.


These have been recurring topics in the various media I've been coming across. Don't you just love it when things around you seem to align to teach you a single lesson? Usually it takes an open attitude to witness "magic" of this kind. It's really just you coming into awareness of what you already know.

Have a good week everyone!

xxx
B

Things that engaged me today

• Futurama
• Natasha Allegri's blog (she's from Adventure Time)
• Cake (the band)

Stagnant but I think I should take note of things that get my attention. There might be a pattern there somewhere, or a clue to what I can do that I'll enjoy.

But I'm quite positive that my laptop is making delayed gratification foreign to me. It's too easy to keep busy!

Reading:

• The Happiness Project

This is all for now.

I want to learn to fight

There's no glory in my safety here
With comforts trickling, slowly, but steadily
That I am never starved.

(Or: I feel like I'm smooching off of my mum for I am without a job, but living comfortably and have extended my stay in college)

I want to throw myself into a pit of wolves
To fight and give myself no choice
I know that a warrior is hiding inside
Even if once pampered, I am extracted from the cushion under my behind.

(Or: Maybe if I just threw myself on the field my survival instinct would actually kick in like it always has? Then I just wanted an excuse to mention my butt.)

But even in my desperation I see
that summoning danger will only serve me until the throbbing in my chest
the rush of my pulse
has calmed

(Or: The survival thingy only lasts for a while, and so does the sense of fulfillment that comes with it. I need to do something I really love. Faking it doesn't work well for me. Or at the very least, it doesn't last long. Also, I had a heart time figuring out when to end the lines. Obviously)

I want to fight, but I want to feel like I'm fighting for a reason.

(Or: ...Actually that one was pretty straightforward.)

((except for fighting, I don't actually like fights. I'm a pasa-fish. Pacifist. Pacific fish..))

Drowsy

I really have to train myself to leave the bed when I wake up at the right hour.

To be fair I've been woken up a couple of times before it was time, either by bad dreams or the way my blinds were smashing against the wall (it has been very windy lately.) Once a little after 4am, then 7:30. I finally woke up properly at 8:30, which is just to say that the bed didn't feel like quicksand anymore and my head didn't feel like it was being sunk into it by an anvil, but I still stayed in bed when that happened, stared at my sweetheart's skype window, and fell asleep again for another hour. And woke up. And slept again for another hour.

So I still ended up getting up at 10:30 and it's pretty much been a lazy day.

Along with the feeling of victory that comes with not seeing two digits in the clock when I wake up (read: 6:00-9:00 instead of 10:00 onward), is a kind of fear that makes me want to fail at waking up early. It's like I can't deal with the weight of having regular hours because I won't have an excuse anymore. So in a way, even though I profess disliking them, my insomnia and broke-ness are things that I rely on. They're excuses I can use to cover my ass when I feel inadequate.

But this is a fear I have to face eventually. What if things work out? And if they don't, what if it just takes time practice that I haven't had the patience for?

So Note To Self for tomorrow morning:

Pull yourself up from the bed when it's time, go to the bathroom and wash the sleep inertia away.
There is more sleep to be had: at night. And a lot of living to be done this morning.


Random factoid: I love using yellow highlighter in real life. So I might start doing it here, too.

PS: im drowsy and had every intention to skip gym today.

but one text from aizel asking what time we’re going changed my mind.

Lesson: go to the gym with good friends

Nuggets

Once in a while I will not have a topic but would still have something to say.

Hence the birth of "Nuggets" in my blog. They will be little pieces of random information or updates that I would like to share.

Let us commence:

I was two pounds off. I weighed myself again earlier, and apparently I actually lost two pounds! So I replaced the 144 with 142 and it felt good man. Good day at the gym earlier. Got there earlier than my friends so I had a lot of time done. A lot of time, but not much intensity, which was intended. But maybe, who knows, I might eventually wish to stay for a shorter period of time there and would want to amp up the intensity to make up for it. But realistically, no. I enjoy being there with my friends. xD It's only gonna be for a month anyway. It will go by fast.

I wore my tankini set. Hah. This is not going to happen again. My thighs kept rubbing against each other too much. (Don't worry, I wore my PE shorts going there. I didn't take em off 'till I was working out)

Do u liek my dolan faec

Failed attempt at home-officing. Last night, I had every intention to start waking up early, sit myself down on my desk and get shit done within pre-scheduled hours. Get a routine of productivity going. Even wrote it on my planner. Unfortunately I stayed up all night watching The Switch, which I actually enjoyed! Damn my relentless procrastination skills! Rotten Tomatoes gave it a bad grade, though. Which I understand.  But I enjoyed it a lot. Anyway. I'm sleepy now so I might try again tomorrow!


22 Days until Emmy comes! I'm excited but anxious about feeling a bit unprepared??? I mean, I still have school stuff to do, but I dunno, sometimes I just feel like I'm just making it up, that I'm not really unprepared. I'm just insecure about myself! Pretty sure it'll be okay.

Sure and Slow and Slow and Sure

When I started going to the gym I decided I wanted to have a record of my weight and measurements so I could see my progress and decide if I'm doing enough in the gym or not.

I put it on my bathroom wall because I was sure that if it was tucked away in some little notebook I will forget about updating it, or feel lazy about getting the pen, opening, etc etc. In my bathroom I already have my whiteboard markers and erasers set up all visible on top of my mirror, so it was very easy to access and use, and whatever I write on the walls are instantly visible to me.

My first goal really is to firm back up for the swimsuit I bought and liked on me in April. Second is getting in a good shape and state of body (regular heart rate, feeling strong and firm), and lastly, to lose some actual weight, but I'm in no real hurry for that.

It's true what they say about how misleading weight is. It's not necessarily good to obsess over what the scale says. The scale won't tell you your body composition, so you can be in fact healthy and gaining muscle but feeling bad because you're getting heavier, or feeling good about losing weight, but be actually losing muscle, which helps you burn fat overall and keeps you healthy and strong. 

That's why when I saw that my weight stayed the same when I've been to the gym (doing aerobics and "pumping iron" as they call it) three times last week and have done some cardio at home, I felt really good!

And true enough, when it came down to actual inches, my body was changing :) I lost an inch or a half here and there.

And bonus, I like how I look in my April bikini again!

Scuse the dirty mirror. And scuse me. I derped.

Note how I didn't say "I look good" but rather "I like how I look" ..That's what it's all about now. That's how it should be for everyone, honestly.

I decided to be brave and take pictures so I can see my body change, too. I didn't take a picture at the start which is sad, because I was really flabby and even though it would have been gross, I'd feel really good seeing that and this^ side by side.

But I just feel good right now to be in that body, without anything to compare from the past. This, right here, right now, is satisfactory to me.

Now, I know how this isn't really anything amazing or extraordinary. Some people lose like, ten pounds in a week! Those really determined people. But what I tried to focus on personally, was an activity level I could keep up for long. I'd hate to push myself to uncomfortable levels only to flake at it eventually and get back to a bad shape (in my mind, too)...

I'm just focusing on getting some activity in my day, and that's what it's all about. Finding a personal way to be healthy. For me it's just about moderation. Not a month-long weightloss program, but a lifestyle change.

Note: See how my thigh somehow measured bigger? Haha. Weird. But that was last night, and actually, last night, my boob area was the same but it shrunk when I woke up. (which i've been wishing for) and my thigh came back to size. hahahaha. strangeness. Maybe my body settled while I was asleep? XD