You are not a fantasy. You are an experience.

Don't look at mirrors to find your worth

You were not born to be

eternally striving

to be easier to look at

Your eyes were meant to look

asymmetrical

and outward, into the world

to find things that give you life

Your knees needn't be smooth

to prop you up

into greater heights

and bruise and bleed

into greater strength

Your body was not meant

to be stuffed into tight spaces

and to be hidden in the dark

to stay porcelain, and unexposed, and brittle

You were meant to move,

to laugh with your mouth open

to love with eyes intent

and not looking down on your feet

Let us be with you

through the spilling of your soul

let any image of you fall to the wayside

of the life you live

Just something I'm writing to myself, (and people like me) for those dark moments where I feel ugly, ungraceful, awkward and unlikeable, and needing to clam up, hide, and basically cease to be in the presence of people I want to befriend but find intimidating because I feel bad about myself. Or those times where I feel bad for having dirty nails and unkempt hair because I've been busy and too tired to fuss over myself more. I'm slowly finding out that: 1. Creating something is more valuable than how you look while making it, get your hands dirty! who cares. & 2. Warmth is usually very contagious and the world has more kindness to give if you're only able to be more open to receive it.

The Art of Doing

This pool is just two floors away from me, but in the 3-4 months that I’ve lived here I’ve only used it about 3-4 times as well. Sometimes we do get things that we want handed to us, and still find ourselves unable to let ourselves enjoy them. Having Things isn’t worth much without the skill of Experiencing.

And yes, I’ve found that Experiencing is a life skill. It takes skill to recognize opportunities when they come, to do things that make us feel good and be better, and to have the will to go for them.

Many times, I see the logical value of taking advantage of valuable free experiences, but somehow in my heart I feel uncomfortable about doing so. My usual default reasons are social stress and transportation, and yet, even without those things being in the way, I find it hard to reach out and do things.

I’m sure there’s some inner work to do here, and I do feel like I’m doing that inner work. It’s slow, but I feel like I’m moving towards the right direction.