Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Do your way through change

My journey towards changing myself into my ideal self (not there yet, but I’m continuously progressing) reminds me a lot of the process of acting. Not in that it’s fake. Most people brush over the fact that to be a convincing actor, you don’t simply pretend. You have to be convinced yourself.

To portray a character, one does not need to understand or justify the frame of mind of the person they will portray. They simply need to internalize the character. To absorb the character enough that their movements and reactions come from a sincere, organic, spontaneous place rather than having to process and analyze the situation before deciding to react a certain way.

Real change is something you can't think your way through in. You have to do your way though. Thinking helps, and it can help A LOT, but until you close the gap between thinking and doing, it won't yield the results you want.

Very recently, something just clicked in me. Some separating sheath dissolved between me and who I want to be. Suddenly, I wasn’t trying anymore. I just became.

It’s so hard to explain and identify, but it undeniably happened.

I’m not saying I’m perfect now, or that I’ve done what I want to be doing in my life. But that I now feel capable of what I want to do. There’s no longer a disconnect between how I want to act and how I’m really acting.

Often I watch myself before I react, and this often ends up with me reacting in the ‘coolest’ way possible. I didn’t want to appear too impressed, too pushy, too whatever else. I subconsciously kept judging myself. But who’s really watching? The people who prioritize what appears cool? They’re probably paralyzed in the same shell that I was in.

Maybe I was slightly depressed and am now healed. Whatever it is, I’m glad to be here, and I’m glad to feel primal, instinctive, and real.

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