Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Middle-Firsthalf-Life crisis

It's weird to realise that what's stopping me from doing things I want to do is not caring enough. Not feeling enough. Not being restless, antsy, emotional about it enough. In one word, not being driven enough.

Maybe this self-loathing I feel right now will someday drive me. I'm hoping not. I want to be driven by love, wonder, excitement. But it's either it's not working right now, or I don't actually have enough of it.

I guess I just have to keep squeezing for now. Maybe something will click as I force things, and be better at working hard, maybe even enjoy it, and then it won't be so scary anymore.

I wish there was a textbook for this kind of thing. I know the point is that I have to write it, but right now I don't know where to start. I hope that sooner or later this period will feel distant and silly to me. I don't want to assume wrongly but I feel like I'm on my way there.

Here's to a year of results, trying harder, and being both kinder and more stern with myself. Sometimes you can't have the first without the second.

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