Ricky Garduno and untimely deaths.

This was supposed to be posted last night, but I felt like I didn't have the energy to make the post on this topic conclusive to anything. I still can't make it conclusive today, but I think that's kind of the point. So don't expect to learn anything from this I guess.

Yesterday was all about untimely deaths. And recognizing that nobody is spared. Even myself, if ever events decided it.

My brother was driving me to the bus stop. A crazy fast, colossal truck wooshed by us, honking me to full-awakeness. And as I've been somehow doing a lot lately, I imagined the outcome of an instance wherein it didn't just zoom past us, but kind of hit us, causing a domino effect or whatever, ultimately just crushing us and killing us.

I thought about my boyfriend, and how I would really hate myself if I had to leave that way. I was suddenly reminded of his brother, who died in an accident a couple years ago, and in a weird way I felt again the shock that I oddly felt when I'd just heard of the story and imagined it. If I, who never even met him, feel so much frustration over what happened, like I can't accept that it happened, what more for my baby who knew him all his life? The thought of making him feel that way again, left by someone closest to him, it just made me worry about where he would get his reasons for living if I suddenly die. I know that he would, eventually, but just the thought of the initial hurt was enough to make me hate myself for that event. Which didn't even happen.

Sorry about that. That was dark, but it's honestly what went through my mind. That happens sometimes. Dunno what it is, maybe a little bit of this?:

These are screencaps from the latest episode of Family Guy. Coincidentally, it was what really triggered this post last night. After the show was over, this slide was shown:

As always, when I see something like this and the person who just died looks young, I read up about them. Young people dying just sets off an alarm in me, like I immediately need to see an explanation. Maybe it's a self-bracing thing. I guess I want to know about things that could kill me before I'm ready. Maybe I want to see how the factors aren't the same for me, or at least gather up more note-to-selfs towards avoiding that path.

I never knew Ricky before that episode and this whole post might seem obnoxious to anyone who did. But after googling his name, and reading the first two results, my heart ached for him. He was apparently in so much pain. And unlike a lot of the (possible)suicides I've heard of, he wasn't someone who just gave up. He tried to get up on his feet. He tried to fight. People saw him struggle. But somehow, a foolish act one night took his life. I don't know if it was on purpose... One of his friends made an illustration saying something about how she doesn't want to believe he really wanted to kill himself.. that he just "went down a gray path and.. stopped being careful, you know?" And I totally get that. Whatever the actual act was.

"Suicide by omission".. I get it.

Whether it be by being so weak inside that one cannot look after himself anymore, or a blink of an eye that was less than careful, the point is that things just happen. Things just happen sometimes. Not for a reason. And I really believe that. I believe that "the reasons" are just ways to look at the bright side, which is nice. But in the end, nothing can really prepare us. Nothing can be calculated to guess a certain result. Life is unpredictable.

Some people might ask, "then why try to control things if at anytime, things can happen to fuck you up?" But I'd really rather take advantage of whatever I can grab by myself. Whatever I want to control, I'll control. I won't let the fear of death stop me. I don't want to live as if I'm just a death waiting to happen. I already am, but I'm also a life that is already happeNING. If I die tomorrow, at least I will die while I'm alive.