Eve

It's time for a change. I can see my pattern unfolding once again in this very blog. I have three unpublished drafts staring at me. Three unpolished "gems". I have an ideal in mind, and then I refuse stuff that I feel aren't "it" until refusal becomes what it's all about. A habit. Refusal to perform. To just do the work. Resistance, mighty resistance.

What was supposed to be a hands-on, honest to the core, insightful scrapbook has been reduced to the occasional musing about a lesson learned.. And it's usually only on the mind level. Fuck that. Seriously. That's been my problem for so long. I'm not going to settle comfortably right at the plateau of disappointment. This was supposed to be about body/soul level learning! Not about tight-assed paragraph forming (those were only supposed to come once in a while, when inspiration strikes). This is supposed to be a place where I go beyond the words and honestly try to paint a picture of life and growth as it happens. Dirty gem-cleaning and all included.

So where does this leave us? Well for one thing, I will have more personal stuff to share. I'm not sure where the point was that I got really sidetracked from my vision for this blog. I guess I was avoiding it due to fear of facing who I really am. This blog was really supposed to be about ME, essentially. But naturally I pushed it away from me. Depersonalized it. Afraid of leaving my mark. A behaviour that isn't totally new to me. As I begin to be more accepting of myself, a notion that is surprising to me because I guess I didn't sense the difference between openness and realness, I begin to realize how much out of touch I have been with my true self. I always looked outside to determine how to behave. I always tried to blend in one way or another. This isn't all bad, and I'm not saying I'll stop doing that. In fact at times, it's a really useful skill and a good talent to possess. But what has changed is that I'm starting to find and commit to who I am now. 

It's a very interesting area to inspect. First of all it's something I've always "known" was there. So it's a really funny and curious, the thought that I've actually never seen it before. It's as if I took it for granted. It's like suddenly noticing that you're breathing. You've always done it involuntarily, so it's weird to suddenly feel yourself willing every inhale to happen.

I have my boyfriend to thank for this discovery, on some level. He's the one person I know that is somehow the opposite of me: He's irrevocably himself. He can't (not a self-righteous "doesn't".. he literally CAN'T.) like stuff by default because it's socially acceptable. It always has to go through his own personal filter before his brain categorizes it under pass or fail. I never met a human like him before. It was all so new to me, this level of literally-personal taste. I guess, through some weird form of emotional/mental osmosis, and in a funny paradoxical rhetoric of fate (read: my over-adaptabilityness) it rubbed off on me. Or more likely, I subconsciously started considering this "me"-being hiding somewhere inside myself, who is non-negotiably herself and herself only. In knowing her I'm starting to find that I've got nothing real to lose by sticking to stuff closer to home, because I have a polestar in the form of her. I have a default setting. I already exist. As me. Flexibility is great and sometimes it's the one way to go, but lately it's become apparent that time is finite, and as one human being, this only makes me able to walk forward in time ONCE. My openness is good for synergy, but in synergy I do not have to BE others, I only need to be WITH them as efficiently as possible.

Sorry about my delay, universe. I'm just starting to realize how I'm myself and stuff. That Mulan song really hit it spot on kinda. I don't even fully recognize my own likeness in mirrors and photographs yet. I'm only coming to terms with all of this. But thanks for letting me know, and thanks for staying so weird and mysterious to me. It'd be boring otherwise.

Anyway, this post is called Eve, and yes, it isn't only about this personal eve of mine, but CHRISTMAS EVE! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! 

I thought long and hard about wearing my holiday outfit, I was half-thinking I should maybe save it for New Year, but Christmas won so this was what I wore tonight:

 In the spirit of Christmas honesty, (on Christmas you tell the truth), I would like to explain that these pictures that I took of myself make me look thin-ish. And I guess that's also how I see myself when I look at the mirror. But other angles in candid positions show me otherwise:

I'm clearly on the big side, especially around my arms. This isn't body-bashing, I'm just plainly saying that I'm not comfortable with this yet. I would like to get muuuch fitter. I've actually lost a bit of weight lately believe it or not. I've also started to eat a bit less. Pictures like this snap me out of the premature complacency slightly-looser clothes have been giving me. That's a good thing for my journey to realness. I can use all of the reality-checks I can get.

What's really cool is that mama gave me a juicer. I was like a child getting her first barbie. I will love making healthy stuff with this. I might also try to do a juice cleanse (proper one, not starving one).. I'm so excited about it, she looks like a little spaceship :3 I'm calling her Hannah. Cos that's soooo a vegan hippie girl name.

Sorry. Spirit of the night and wine is lulling me. To go. to. bed

It's playtime. :)

It's somehow became a trend in everything I read lately: what people regret when they're dying. It showed up in the book I just read, It showed up blogposts and facebook newsfeed updates. All from different people. We are mortal beings. We will die someday. What we have here in front of us, the Now, is all we have at any given time. And one day we won't be conscious of it anymore. We will become unconscious earth matter again. Wasting time is a greater sin than wasting electricity, money, water, anything at all.

Something happened in first period made me disappointed in myself today. It made it so clear how I've let many things that are so near to me slip by. But I'd dare say that actually feeling disappointed by something like that is a HUGE improvement on my part. Because I see now, clearly, how things can be really better. Why it's important to try. Why it's not a big waste of energy. I see that picture in my head, I see what I'm missing. And it all came to me before it's too late.

I feel my higher Self calling out to me, telling me it's time for another paradigm shift.. (I hear Scott Pilgrim in my head: "One of your famous paradigm shifts?")

When I came home, I was so set on making things right. I had a flash of a magical feeling of presence during third period while watching a documentary about Global Warming and I was planning to use it to its full potential. But somehow the afternoon turned into playtime with my nieces. First I was teaching my 8-y/o niece new french words (she likes making me teach her some french that I learn from class) and my 3-y/o niece kept piping in and so I let her join us. Then it turned into a wonderful wonderful time. We practiced handshakes, little tickling rhymes, and other games. Then we pretended to be animals. I was so fully immersed in these activities, fully going for it, ignoring whatever it was in my head that was making me a bit embarrassed about how silly I was being. The distinction between the adult and the children disappeared. All that was left were three children, just one "leading" with more experience and knowledge under her belt. But all of the things we were doing were not below me at all. We were equals.

It's time to look at independent life as one huge playground.

Why? I just put some things together, very recent things (as if the universe was singing me a song), and it all made sense:

1. It's useless to aim for "adultness". Because what is an adult anyway? Weren't we all kids at some point? What makes a kid any less of a human being than a fully grown human being apart from the fact that a child is new and has less responsibilities? I've always felt insecure about the fact that I feel like I'm stuck in a really childlike mindset. This has caused a lot of fear and resistance on my part. But I've now come to terms with the fact that there's nothing wrong with feeling like a kid having adult experiences. That maybe it's not me being a child. It's just who I really am, and that's okay. A person is a person is a person. I should apply the respect I have for children (trying to talk to them as equals instead of manipulating them with my advantages in practical knowledge and experience) to my own self. I am me no matter what age I am and I don't need to act in a way that isn't me.
2. Playtime creates REAL dreams, goals, aims, personalities. I know that treating life like it's playtime and to not take it seriously seems irresponsible. But when I really think about it, when I used to play games as a kid, when I pretended I was a doctor, a mom, a talented violin player, in my head, it was pretty darn serious business. It felt important. It was just pretend, but I really lived and was present in those "characters" much more than I ever have been in my real adult life so far. Playtime generates REAL, USABLE LIFE ENERGY. And if I employ the same enthusiasm and presence to my life now, there will be far more resistance and more enjoyment in every step I take.
3. It's all about self-validation. If this is what works for me, then I should use it! Awakening the child in me shakes off A LOT of the inhibition. It feels good being able to let go of all my preconceptions about how I should act. Or how I need to do things. Nobody else really knows what they're doing anyway.

Isn't this a more exciting concept anyway? Being a kid doing adult stuff? Having fun, doing what you want, but also KNOWING what you're doing and having the liberty to decide?

I agree. It definitely is. And if immersing myself in this paradigm shift is really all it takes for me to make the most of the time I've got left than isn't that just a classic case of "Back to Basics"? Ah well. I never would have really understood its importance the easy way.

The maintenance is just about as hard as the repair.

The teeniest tiniest push in the form of disorganized environment (having my nieces around or not having my planner around) sends me totally off-course! The first step that I always feel is crucial before I work on anything is organizing stuff around me, having the things I need already there, and the things I don't out of sight. But this sometimes is also my biggest enemy. I'm distracted even in this step and end up prolonging the process even more.

My book came in the mail recently.. It was less technical than I expected and a little too flowery than what I was hoping for BUT it stays true to what Esquire said about it. It really is a kick in the ass. It leaves you with ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE to be the piece of lazy lardmatter that you are. I can't say it makes you DO things, but it absolutely makes you realize that it's all in your hands. I haven't finished it yet and already it's put me into action in my poetry and writing. Too bad that's not what I really should be busy with yet.

PRIORITIES, B. PRIORITIES.

In other news, this weekend has been about nursing one of my famous bed-riddenning periods and making time to accompany my mom shopping and stuff. I felt kind of bad when, I suggested going to Divi and got her excited about it, then I told her I can't go cos of a shoot. So when the opportunity arrived, because I realised I wasn't ready and therefore postponed, I didn't let my period stop me from going with her. Best decision of the year. She ended up buyin me some really awesome shoes, a couple watches, organizer boxes and shorts. Going with her was the only thing I did to deserve that?!?! Aren't mothers awesome? :) (It's also worth to note that the Sausage McMuffin she got me (and my bro) for breakfast was really good. It reminds me of Burger Shop 2, and now that I know how good it is the game will surely give me more of the munchies the next time I play it.) I ended up using up my whole allowance for the week, but oh well. I still have some money saved and they were all pretty good buys.

(click images for descriptions. you will be redirected to my tumblr to view these.)

Alright well, I don't think I should linger here, got stuff to do, way behind of a lot of things, so bye!