It's time for a change. I can see my pattern unfolding once again in this very blog. I have three unpublished drafts staring at me. Three unpolished "gems". I have an ideal in mind, and then I refuse stuff that I feel aren't "it" until refusal becomes what it's all about. A habit. Refusal to perform. To just do the work. Resistance, mighty resistance.
What was supposed to be a hands-on, honest to the core, insightful scrapbook has been reduced to the occasional musing about a lesson learned.. And it's usually only on the mind level. Fuck that. Seriously. That's been my problem for so long. I'm not going to settle comfortably right at the plateau of disappointment. This was supposed to be about body/soul level learning! Not about tight-assed paragraph forming (those were only supposed to come once in a while, when inspiration strikes). This is supposed to be a place where I go beyond the words and honestly try to paint a picture of life and growth as it happens. Dirty gem-cleaning and all included.
So where does this leave us? Well for one thing, I will have more personal stuff to share. I'm not sure where the point was that I got really sidetracked from my vision for this blog. I guess I was avoiding it due to fear of facing who I really am. This blog was really supposed to be about ME, essentially. But naturally I pushed it away from me. Depersonalized it. Afraid of leaving my mark. A behaviour that isn't totally new to me. As I begin to be more accepting of myself, a notion that is surprising to me because I guess I didn't sense the difference between openness and realness, I begin to realize how much out of touch I have been with my true self. I always looked outside to determine how to behave. I always tried to blend in one way or another. This isn't all bad, and I'm not saying I'll stop doing that. In fact at times, it's a really useful skill and a good talent to possess. But what has changed is that I'm starting to find and commit to who I am now.
It's a very interesting area to inspect. First of all it's something I've always "known" was there. So it's a really funny and curious, the thought that I've actually never seen it before. It's as if I took it for granted. It's like suddenly noticing that you're breathing. You've always done it involuntarily, so it's weird to suddenly feel yourself willing every inhale to happen.
I have my boyfriend to thank for this discovery, on some level. He's the one person I know that is somehow the opposite of me: He's irrevocably himself. He can't (not a self-righteous "doesn't".. he literally CAN'T.) like stuff by default because it's socially acceptable. It always has to go through his own personal filter before his brain categorizes it under pass or fail. I never met a human like him before. It was all so new to me, this level of literally-personal taste. I guess, through some weird form of emotional/mental osmosis, and in a funny paradoxical rhetoric of fate (read: my over-adaptabilityness) it rubbed off on me. Or more likely, I subconsciously started considering this "me"-being hiding somewhere inside myself, who is non-negotiably herself and herself only. In knowing her I'm starting to find that I've got nothing real to lose by sticking to stuff closer to home, because I have a polestar in the form of her. I have a default setting. I already exist. As me. Flexibility is great and sometimes it's the one way to go, but lately it's become apparent that time is finite, and as one human being, this only makes me able to walk forward in time ONCE. My openness is good for synergy, but in synergy I do not have to BE others, I only need to be WITH them as efficiently as possible.
Sorry about my delay, universe. I'm just starting to realize how I'm myself and stuff. That Mulan song really hit it spot on kinda. I don't even fully recognize my own likeness in mirrors and photographs yet. I'm only coming to terms with all of this. But thanks for letting me know, and thanks for staying so weird and mysterious to me. It'd be boring otherwise.
Anyway, this post is called Eve, and yes, it isn't only about this personal eve of mine, but CHRISTMAS EVE! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
I thought long and hard about wearing my holiday outfit, I was half-thinking I should maybe save it for New Year, but Christmas won so this was what I wore tonight:
I'm clearly on the big side, especially around my arms. This isn't body-bashing, I'm just plainly saying that I'm not comfortable with this yet. I would like to get muuuch fitter. I've actually lost a bit of weight lately believe it or not. I've also started to eat a bit less. Pictures like this snap me out of the premature complacency slightly-looser clothes have been giving me. That's a good thing for my journey to realness. I can use all of the reality-checks I can get.
What's really cool is that mama gave me a juicer. I was like a child getting her first barbie. I will love making healthy stuff with this. I might also try to do a juice cleanse (proper one, not starving one).. I'm so excited about it, she looks like a little spaceship :3 I'm calling her Hannah. Cos that's soooo a vegan hippie girl name.
Sorry. Spirit of the night and wine is lulling me. To go. to. bed