a late-night letter to myself

dear self. i am sorry. 

i’m sorry for being so lazy all this time. for not trying hard enough. i know i was overwhelmed, but there was still an untapped margin of possibility that i absolutely wasted somewhere there. i’m somehow sure of it. i’m sorry things always felt too unclear and so i stayed put, and so now you’re stuck here trying to make everything happen all at once. sorry for not taking care of you for so many years, sorry that it’s still hard to do now. but i’m trying and i’m better at it than i’ve ever been. sorry for being too preoccupied with getting better that i failed at just being as good as i am, sorry for not realising that was where i needed to be. sorry for trying to ignore it because i felt i needed to be much better than i already was. sorry i don't know where we need to go from here. sorry i don't know yet what to do with all of the expiring potential, all the unrealised ideas, sorry i didn't know how to talk to people that could have helped us realise them. 

and self, i forgive you. 

i forgive you for being just you and nothing more. i forgive you for just not having the energy to do things well sometimes. i forgive you because you are now trying to, anyway, no matter how bad the outcome is. i forgive you for being tired. i forgive you for doubting. i forgive you for not pushing too hard because you wanted to protect me. i forgive you for worrying too much sometimes. i forgive you for being awkward. for not knowing what to say or do around other people. for saying embarrassing things that you can't take back now. for being acting like a fool. 

But most of all, thank you. 

Thank you for keeping on working on me, to get me to level 2, even when people were nagging me about not being on level 4 at this point. Especially when it's me who does it. Thank you for trying to progress, no matter how slow. Thank you for earnestly searching for truth, no matter how dark, hard, or melancholic the journey has been. Thank you for keeping your eyes open, allowing me to see a larger world, even though it made me feel very small. Thank you because being small takes some weight off my shoulders. Thank you for sticking around and being stubborn about finding happiness. Thank you for trying. No matter what happens in the end.