Thursday, September 13, 2012

making an effort

Here's some ambient music for while you're reading this post. Heheheheh

A while ago I posted about not letting happiness depend on the people on your life. Not expecting or wanting them to be anything more then selfish, so that you can focus on feeling good on your own, instead of secretly expecting things from them.

Plant your OWN garden and decorate your OWN soul...instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. ~ Veronica A. Shoffstall
But I didn't get to write about the flipside of the whole thing. The reason why I wrote about that was because my life journey has lead me to learn that when people say "You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.", it applies to more than just everyday annoyances and simple who-does-what or work methods. It also applies to friendships, and the art of nurturing them. That was the part where I decided to deal with the fact that I can't change my friend into being a better friend to me.

I was at a time where I felt abandoned by her. But deciding to stop caring what she does didn't stop me from being nice to her and making an effort to be present.

Saying that the world will be a better place if people stopped expecting other people to be gracious and caring to them doesn't mean that it would be a better place if people stopped being gracious and caring to other people. It would make the world cold and emotionless.

(Disclaimer: There are moments where voicing out your neglected needs in a relationship, instead of silently focusing on the fact that they are neglected, is better when you can't ignore them. It may bring to your friend's/lover's attention something that has actually been a blind spot for them and may give them a chance to make things better. The people who won't even bat an eyelash or try to are not worth your tears.)

If everyone was giving but expected nothing in return, what a sane world it would be.

Make an effort for the people you want to keep in your life, because as much as you'd like to believe they'll keep the light on for you, even if they do, they will naturally feel less close to you. Especially when there's other people around who care for them just as much as they do.

It's not so much about growing apart, but human nature and common sense. You stop making an effort, you stop getting results. You stop talking to them, you stop knowing about them. You stop acting interested in them, they stop thinking you like them. And what are friends other than people who like each other?

Don't rely too much on catching up. Don't be too sure that one day you'll spend the whole afternoon together and it would be like nothing changed. Don't let people happen to you. Don't be too stuck up, saying it's not your style to be consistent, or caring, or to answer when someone calls. When you ignore someone, it's not as simple as not doing something towards the good of the relationship. You actually do something towards the friendship's deterioration by omission. When you say it's not your thing to be a good friend, you're making it so that it won't be your thing to have friends.

Make an effort. Not because you read it here, but because you want to keep the people you love close.

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