Be whole.

Sometimes people are BUTTHOLES.

No need to put it kindly, we're all adults here.

Essentially, people are wired to be selfish. Even selflessness is selfish. What? You put other people before yourself? That's nice. You must feel pretty good about yourself. Great job. But in the end it's all about feeling good about yourself. Not feeling guilty. Feeling like you've done enough. Treading the earth with a light conscience.

Everybody wants to be a cat.
Cats know where it's at
See this cat? He doesn't give a fuck.
We all don't give a fuck.
The difference is cats are straightforward about it.

I was feeling very lonely this week. I felt like I was out of touch with people. I looked for company. It didn't come from the people I wanted it to come from. But it came.

I'm getting quite distracted here because I want to dance to the music I'm listening to and I'm quite disoriented as always but I will TRY to make this one make sense.

There was a point somewhere where I realized that longing for company was dumb. Like wildfire, a way of connecting flowed out of me in a way I haven't felt for the longest time. It was like I felt nobody really cared, so I stopped caring. I just did what I want. I talked to people I wanted to talk to, I said what I wanted, and they could do what they want, say what they want, or even ignore me if they wanted, because I did what I wanted to do, and they are none of my business anymore. I'M my business. Being nice to them is my business. But if they wanted to be assholes to me, that's their own life's journey. I shouldn't take anything personally. Whatever.

Quite ironically, I felt my relationships become more genuine, and I found the people who really gave a fuck about me. And I loved the people I loved in a realer way. I feel like my relationships that were thriving were genuine and the connections were real and not trying to become anything "ideal".. They just were what they were. Pure, organic, just the way nature intended.

Example, I felt free enough to like stuff my boyfriend hated, and I didn't cringe as much as stuff he liked that I hated. (Emmy you can see me bobbing  my head but you have no idea I'm listening to Black Eyed Peas. HAHAHA.. Nah you're actually too focused on looking for a gift for my mum B-) ..or being a Ravenclaw UGH /end commentary)

And in the end, the differences actually seemed to matter less.

It's hard to explain, but if there's a lesson I would like to take from this, it's this:

DEAR BEA.

Be happy IN yourself, WITH yourself. Learn to be happily alone. Be a hedonist. Not in a way that harms other people, not in a way that is disrespectful of other people, but in a way that puts feeling good FIRST.

Look, I'm not saying stop caring. I'm just saying care about yourself more and put your focus there. When you long for the company of people, you pour your life energy outwards, making it disperse into (frankly,) a void, instead of using it to build yourself from the inside.

If it feels like people are slipping away, LET THEM SLIP AWAY. People are erratic beings. They will usually come back eventually (I mean, if they felt like it). Just calm your tits and focus on yourself. What do YOU want to do today? What's something you'd like to do right now that will make you grow as a person?

Be nice, be respectful, be friendly. But when people are being jerks, after the initial sting, DROP IT.

You don't need to mourn them. You don't need to feel bad. It's not about you. It doesn't mean you're not worth it. It just means that YOU ARE NOT THEIR PRIORITY RIGHT NOW. And that's okay.

Paranoia is a sign that you have been resisting the flow of life. You have built a vacuum of bad possibilities by not working towards the good ones! Now stop worrying about earthquakes and car accidents and getting arrested or people seeing you naked and start CREATING things and building yourself.

The more you worry about other people, the less you are sure with who you are.

Fuck "cool", fuck "pretty", fuck "important", fuck "appropriate".

Stop living according to the past. Look forward.

Like what you like. Be as you are. Like what you are. Be sincere. Be authentic.

DO YOU. BE YOU. BE WHOLE.