Monday, April 9, 2012

What do I become now?

School's over.


I mean unless I ride a wild whim somewhere down the road and enroll myself in a special class (likely) that involves writing notes and doing homework instead of doing workshop-type activities (unlikely), classrooms, teachers, homework, all of that stuff is now part of history in my book.

I am no longer a student. When people ask me what I do, I won't be able to say "I'm studying" anymore. Nope. I mean, okay, maybe I still tiptoe around it and say "I'm a graduating student", which is half true. I kind of delayed it again to have until October to finish everything (typical). But I don't go to class anymore. So I'm not exactly studying in school anymore.

So what am I now?

I don't know about you, but as for career paths, I'm actually one of those people who have too much to choose from. And I'm just gonna go ahead and stop you before you strangle me for being full of myself 'cause let me tell you: It's a problem.

Being interested in a hundred things doesn't actually give you a hundred jobs to choose from. It just makes you want to do a bajillion things but gives you zero focus for any of them. Everything's just too interesting that you can't stay put anywhere doing any single thing.

Now that I'm in my twenties, it's started to become really clear that I'm becoming what my mom has always warned me I had the potential to be.

"Jack of all trades, master of none."

When I was younger, that had always annoyed me. Why couldn't she be encouraging instead of pouring hot water on my dreams all the time? But I guess I missed the real lesson that had to be taken from all of that.

My mom is a great woman, with a lot of wisdom to share. The problem is that I guess we don't exactly have the same language. So all I could take from what she was saying was "Stick to one thing." and naturally I tilted towards the defensive, my whole being screaming: I CAN'T HELP IT, IT'S WHO I AM! But now that I am older I realize that there is a different way to understand what she was trying to say. She didn't really say this exactly, but if I was more positive in my absorption of her "nagging" I could have just read that as:

"Stick to each interest long enough to master them before starting something else."

I don't know what it is about moms and daughters that make them so volatile and defensive against each other, but I really want to be beyond whatever that is because I believe that personally, my mom and I have so many stuff that we can share with each other and help each other with. Like this. If I wasn't so broken inside and hurt about stuff she said and instead open and accepting (I'm not sure where it came/comes/is coming from. Maybe a lack of positive reinforcement growing up resulting to a low self-esteem or confidence in the goodness of her intentions towards me, which is a depressing thought but needs to be addressed at least privately within myself so I can get over it maybe. Actually, can everyone stop for a minute and just click that link? Let's make the world a better place by raising happy children.) and more importantly, if I tried to build up the advice she gives to create something useful for myself instead of always trying to go against it, then maybe I could have grown up feeling really close to her, benefited from the wisdom in her experiences, aaaaaaaaand felt more confident about growing up. Because I swear I still don't feel a day over seventeen.

These days I'm just trying to get things together, very slowly. I'm in the middle of cleaning and fixing my room, getting stuff together to start the job I applied for as an online-based English tutor, re-remembering all the things I wanted to do when this time came that I am no longer ridden with school problems, and generally trying to get myself excited about life.

High on the list is the cleaning thing, because I find that clutter does not help my situation at all. And everyone knows what a time-waster it is when you realise you need something and you don't know where it is and you have to dig through tonnes of stuff to even get to it. The tonnes of stuff also distract you so it's like a doublewhammy.

As for now I have my coffee with me, a water, which is a sign that I'm still taking care of myself, and even though my room is still messy, I've become trigger-happy again, which is a sure sign of life.

Looking more forwardly to life I am.

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