Thursday, February 9, 2012

depersonalising personal problems

talking knees of friendship hehe
If there's one thing I've learned about personal problems, it's that it actually only brings about trouble if you take them too personally. Even in the most intimate of relationships, you can't go to battle with both your mind and your heart. You must keep your heart to yourself and tackle with only your brain in tow.

Many times now, I've made the mistake of feeling too much while talking something out (with someone close to me that is). I think it's something I got from my mother. In some relationships it's very hard to not feel emotionally invested in arguments or discussions. Sometimes because it can't be helped, or you feel somehow obliged to feel and appear emotionally driven in the argument, lest you make your mom or lover or best friend feel that you don't really care about them.

But I say, go ahead! Feel free to appear like you don't care. Risk it. What you gain is a calmer state of mind, and ultimately a clearer approach to the actual problem. It's a problem, fix it. Don't just dramatize. It's not a play. Even if you look cold during the argument, after you succeed in actually fixing it, and explain your intention afterwards, I think the other party should really appreciate and recognize how much effort that took, and how it really proves that you're sincere and that you care enough about them and in fixing the problem. And if they don't, well, you know you did the right thing.

To depersonalise a personal problem is tricky. It takes control, an assertive calm, and most of all, it really tests how much you care. In a non-personal, selfish (as in, focusing on one's personal logic) state of mind, you are free to walk away and not compromise when you see it fit. It shows the real value you put on things. In a messier, more emotionally-driven argument, we spout many illogical crap like "So you mean you don't love me?", just general obviously excessive accusations and whatnot, which are, in all their forms, (and there are many) just a way to measure how much the other person cares. To push an all-or-nothing button, hoping to send them into panic mode thinking they might lose you at that very moment. In which point it would be mean for them to say anything other than "No of course I love you" or whatever the right answer is. Some obvious, unneccessary blurtation that does little to nothing about the problem. They are trapped. And ironically less sincere feelings are actually expressed. We start learning to recite what is wanted to be heard to the point that they sometimes feel like chores instead of loving statements.

This is a practice that I've always applied in regular discussions etc, but I have found, now that I've got a relationship that is more intimate in its nature, that this is harder to apply. In E and mine's relationship, even though I am the more open, accepting, tolerant one, I am also the emotional/less-logic-driven one, especially in more personal matters. I am lucky to have found a partner who is a bit better at stepping away from "feelings" when a real discussion is being held. It has so far allowed me to revert back into that state of mind-over-matter even in really intimate discussions. At times I feel sad when E does this, but in the end, after the discussion is settled, I always end up appreciating him a lot more for doing just that. By sticking to his guns he encourages the relationship to be between two sincere people, clueless as he may be about this fact  (I think XD) :) Granted, there is still a balance to be achieved between both of us (we're on opposite extremes there somehow) but I appreciate that he is complimentary to me and always grounds me by being himself when I get too emotionally involved in a discussion.

I guess, this summation of a lesson is also a way of thanking him disguised (or multi-tasking?) as musings and learnings written on a little blog that nobody reads :3

No comments:

Post a Comment