First of all I want to apologize: I have been postponing things left and right, trying to move at my own pace. Not that I insist on it, I just can't somehow hurry! I get distracted and get moments of temporary non-awareness of my "situation". Maybe it's denial. I never want to tell myself that something is really bad, especially when I've come out safe too many times from situations where I save myself just in the nick of time. Or maybe it's my shy awareness of THAT. That's not something that I can easily tell people. It sounds deluded. And maybe it is, but only when I compare myself to my colleagues, who obviously have it figured out better than I do. At least they all have the same thing figured out.
Aizel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that I have to postpone again today. I still need to finish things that I need to be able to go there in the first place. Things that "should have been finished weeks ago". At least when I listen to the voice in me that's hurrying myself to look okay. I know that I overcompensate for people. I don't want them to panic for me. And I don't want to waste their time! Wasting my time is fine, it's my time... But to waste other people's time is something I don't think I can really forgive myself for.
I have a weird pace. It works for me, so that's good. But I can't make people go with it, especially when they only want to help. I don't want to pay them by making their lives harder... And to be honest, if that gives me more things to do, it's only things I DESERVE to be put on my plate. My friends, who have done nothing but to offer their time and talents for me, don't NEED to be doing these for me. Nothing's in it for them but to see me graduate. :) This thought alone makes me feel very grateful and loved, and is enough to give me strength to carry on by myself from here.
Sooooo yeah! I've more or less maxed out my veg time and should keep shuffling from here 'till graduation time. Calmly, I hope. *fingers crossed*
Cottleson, Cottleson, Cottleson Pie.
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