Monday, February 13, 2012

Emotional Expansion

I'm sure this has been said before, and in my life I've found it to be personally true. The more room your heart has for sadness, the more room it has for joy. Now unfortunately this also goes the other way around. When I started to allow myself to feel more, I felt more of EVERYTHING.

I laugh easier, I cry easier... I cry when I watch Ellen and she gives really cool nice deserving people stuff they need, I cry sometimes when I stare at my baby brother and think about how he isn't a baby anymore and how someday I'll be moving in a house away from him... I cry when I see mindblowingly cute furry animals.

Personally, however, feeling genuine sadness over something after a long time of feeling like I had no genuine feelings, actually felt happy in a way. I felt like a fuller human being. I felt that I cared for something, meaning I had precious stuff in my life. Call it crazy, but we all know that life isn't really black and white anyway, even though it may seem easier to look at it as so.

I guess I've grown out of a phase within this past year. A phase of teenage-idgaf-ity. During that phase it just felt like I was so above the stuff that used to bother me, because I felt that found something constant within myself. And it made difficult situations so much easier. But after a while I started feeling like I was numb. And clearly it wasn't something I wanted if I wasn't comfortable.

It's not a very consistent thing. Some days are more emotional than others. And I still get days wherein I just do not give a damn about the usual things people worry about in life. But it's a kind of indifference that feels good, and enlightened instead of bereft of any sympathy or emotion. It's a kind of no-care that just feels like I ACTUALLY care, I'm just not WORRIED is all. :)

So yeah, as usual, it's constantly changing but there are just some things that you can never totally unlearn. They stick to you and become a part of your inner compass :)

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