Schooled!: Things of Note

Just giving you a peek of what life has been like at work:

Right before classes started, the teachers had a nice little art workshop together. I took home a few cards from a watercolor exercise and used it to cover my work notebook, where I jot down random things. The school hosts many talks, workshops, even yoga classes, mostly for free. This is something very striking that I found about my new place of work. It's a school that values the personal development (and well-being) of the teachers just as much as it does for the students, and that's saying a lot, because I find that it cares much, much more about the kids than most schools I've come across in my life.

Birthdays are a big thing in Kindergarten. Here is the very first birthday wreath I've ever made, for a four-year-old. I try to pattern them according to the celebrant's age.

Hi Mom (one hand set-up ftw \m/ i'm holding the ball in my elbow-pit)

Aside from ~homemakin~, Kindergarten in my school requires a lottt of crafting! 

*palpability of excitement is OVER 9000*

We make toys for open-ended play, decorative crafts, puppets and props for story time, etc! I'm learning the very basics of crochet and knitting for now, but one night I was feeling ambitious and took on a SNOWFLAKE!

wet + stretch technique for taut and alive isnofleks

It was a success, but of course I don't remember how to do it anymore. I can only do it while watching the video. huahuahua. (Which I wanna do soon because CHRISTMAS!)

I also made a very simple (and admittedly very cartoony) but cute monkey for a puppet show we had recently and that was super rewarding:

Ooh-ooh, Ahh-ahh..ng cuute!

I may have always thought of myself as someone who was crafty and creative or whatever, but it's dawned on me often that although I have many creative ideas, I rarely am able to finish actual work, and this job really allows me to practice more, because somehow, being tasked to finish work, or to create output puts less pressure on making the work perfect, because it's less ~personal~, and it just needs to fit certain requirements that are specified. And in turn, being used to making more work also makes even the more personal work easier, because I'm already in the practice of Doing rather than Overthinking. It's really nice.

But aside from finish-able projects, there is also plenty of room for free playing, and not just for the kids! I also find myself playing around a lot more, and getting back in touch with what doing things for fun is like. Often in my adult life, I've found myself stuck in having to make everything I create mean something, or serve a purpose. There wasn't much free energy flowing outward from me, and I feel like it coagulated somehow and corked my energy in, even when I actually needed it. But my job somehow unstuck me from that somewhat! It put the focus out of my head and into my hands. It strengthens what I believe they refer to as my "Will".

None Some of Your Beeswax

Some of free-playing can be very soothing. There's an activity that our main teacher uses to calm the kids down if we have time before Story Time - everyone gets a ball of beeswax and just molds it into whatever. Beeswax, if you don't already know, isn't exactly as soft as play-dough. You have to be both slower and but more deliberate with it. It's done to make the kid's fingers stronger and to sort of herd their energies inwards rather than outwards. It helps them sit down and focus.

ma lidol ocdapus

The toys in the classroom are mostly wood, rope, cloth, and metal. Raaaaaaaaaarely plastic, and little paint. It makes the children's play-world less bright and deafening. The textures are tame and more like nature. And dolls are used to encourage empathy and gentleness.

The kids love tying things together with rope, building structures like houses, shops, and cars. Big ones, with chairs and some wooden skeletal components, often using colorful cloth for walls and roofs (more like pretty canopies). One time we even found them with an island kitchen layout, while one of the girls recreated my story table of The Three Little Pigs, and performed it super well, too! We thought it was reminiscent of our school café!

Early in the mornings, they only play with the "small toys" and during that time, they learn how to share, to borrow, to negotiate with train cars, train tracks, blocks, et cetera (with varying results). I think social manners are so important to establish early on for balanced and confident people (being someone who was super awkward and shy for most of my life), and it's really nice that the school puts that forward. Here is a "car parking building" the kids made next to a train track:

I'm really happy to find myself in a job where I really feel like I'm helping people. And on a more selfish level, a job where I'm not encouraged to put the job before my sanity or health, and where in fact I am encouraged to take care of those things. I remember being told during my interview that I "need to sleep enough for this job"... I came from a call center, so hearing that was as touching as it was confusing for me. They actually care about you (?!!?!?), not just what you can do for them.

I'm putting this picture of our daily fruit box because it's cute. And because I love that they encourage children to love fruit.

The school really feels like a community to me, and I didn't expect it to come to us this way, but that's exactly what Beardy and I wanted to have just a year ago, aside from a place of our own. We wanted to find our own community, with people who were a little more like us. 

This picture is special to me, I made vegan patties, lemonade, and a vegetarian potato salad for a birthday I co-prepped with my co-assistant teacher!! ♥

I'm glad that it's happening to a certain extent, and I just hope it gets even better from here. 

Life Update: Teacher Sophie?!

OH. MY. GOD.

I can't believe a full five months have passed since I was last here! What happened?! *shock emoji*

Well, a couple of things:

• Beardy and I moved out of my family home and into a nice little studio apartment nearby (so I get to go home a lot to see Sansa! haha) and we're loving it here.
• He and I got a job in an awesome school in the area (such a relief not having to commute to Manila for work!) And he still has his position from last year, so he currently teaches in two schools on alternate week days, while I have a full time job as a PRESCHOOL TEACHER!!!

*CUE CONFETTI*

I finally get to check that one off of my list of "dream jobs" :) The kids call me Teacher Sofie (Sofia is one of my birth names, while the nickname I've gone by since I was a baby actually isn't? Just a name my mom really liked), and often it's spelled with a "ph" by my colleagues, which I oddly prefer now. The kids can't really tell because they aren't at the age yet where they're taught to spell. Because it's a progressive school! A wonderful progressive school that prioritises the wellbeing and freedom of the younglings over ticking off checklists and getting ahead in terms of academics. Which sounded great to me.. and it is!!!

Anyway, I have a lot of good things to say about the school and I will in a seperate post, probably. For now, I just want to do a little update about things that happened in the past months while I've been gone:

We settled in! Moved our stuff in, bought a pan and a pot, color coordinated a lot (mostly green and blue for everything with minimal additions of red/purple!) and arranged stuff the best way we can in our tiny home. I love calling it tiny home, especially cos I recently started watching a lot of minimalism/minimal living type of videos around the time we moved. We aren't exactly living in a trailer in a forest with minimal electricity; in fact I think we're living quite comfily since we have a common pool outside and we use a/c, but it helped me a lot in acquiring less stuff, owning more mindfully, and detaching from my possessions.

This isn't our house, just the view out our window. It's a tiny room but with a BIG VIEW and that's a nice metaphor about our life right now I guess haha.

But that doesn't mean though that I live in a space that's dull! I still like creating small spaces of interest in the room. But the things I use are usually cheap, recycled, and/or multipurpose. This noteboard on the fridge came from the bottom of a cake box. Can you see the faces Beardy drew on the dino magnets? Hehehehe

Beardy's 26th Birthday!! We had a simple yet special one since it's our first on our own. Just a nice home-cooked meal (greek chicken and veg, tzatziki, tapenade, pan fried pita bread -all from scratch!-, and fresh Moroccan mint tea!) and his favorite Purple Oven brownies :)

Paradores Del Castillo in Taal has such an adorable turquoise/aqua motif!!!

Ihaw Boodle meal at Don Juan Boodle House

Last month, Beardy's family visited us again!!! But this time, it was for two whole weeks!!! It was super nice, even though Beardy and I still had to go to work. We did get to go away for a whole weekend together, it was to Taal and Anilao, Batangas. The weather did not let up, but neither did our spirits! We made up for the bad weather and power outages with boardgames and whatnot. It was such a nice thing to be with them so often, and they were so game for everything! We often would squish ourselves inside a single tricycle to go out for dinner haha. I miss them already.

Eagle Point. We didn't get to swim in the ocean though, just the pool. But we stared at it a lot. The waves were crazy but beautiful haha.

 We also had a nice lunch at Angelfields with my family one day and that was also nice because we were all complete and it's such a beautiful place!

I sadly only managed to take a picture of the tarragon tea. haha! But isn't it pretty? I had soup and a sandwich.

Edit: I forgot to add three events!!!:

1. Beardy and I also had our 70th monthsary! Isn't it crazy how fast time flies? We had dinner at Ziggurat. Cos it's our fave, and it's just downstairs.

(Fun fact: Ziggurat follows us around. When we stayed in makati for 10 days, we were looking for a good restaurant nearby and found out that the #1 Tripadvisor restaurant was just a short walk away from the AirBnb we booked. Then when we moved in this apartment, we noticed there was one downstairs! Whuuut. Too lucky.)

2. My aunt had her 60th bday this month! And our family had a bowling tournament. It was really fun, we don't usually actually do things for parties other than eat, drink and sit around so that was a really nice change. Hope we do more fun stuff from now on! ♥

Some pics from my tita Del's FB:

3. Also, our old neighbors/childhood friends from Alabang came by our house!! It's been YEARS since we were last together! The kuyas of the group live in Vegas now and they visited because their grandma (who we all call Nanay) passed away.

This was us in 1992:

And 24 whole years later!!!!:

Lastly, but very important!!!! Carmen and Aizel FIIIINALLY got to see our new place! Pia still hasn't due to BPO scheduling (huhu) but it was so cool to have them over. We had rumcokes and chats up on the roof while families flew kites, enjoyed the view, and I cooked them dinner! We had a bit of a giggle about how adult it seemed to host a dinner for your friends at your own place. It felt really cool but also made us feel really old haha! We all have new jobs right now and it just felt like a nice stopover before starting a looong road trip in our lives. They're both in Makati but I really hope we get to do it again really soon. With Pia.

So that's more or less my life right now. Just trying to make it work. The first few months have been very draining energy-wise and thus I didn't get to keep up with Youtube and this blog, but as I get more of a hang of my new job I imagine to be able to juggle it with my other interests on the side! Soon I'll be practicing guitar again, I'll certainly be on here more, and who knows, maybe I'll get to upload videos on Youtube again. I DON'T KNOW!! Isn't that great!! The world is so big and full of possibilities.

Spiralling into inaction thru spiralling into chronic imagination

ALRIGHT. Since I've been finding it hard to sit my butt down and write a proper post and consequently forgot to update this blog about my channel's first vlog (?!?!?!?!?) Let me attempt to gather myself today and do just that.

There. now that's that out of the way...

I have big plans for this year. I'm attempting to veer closer to the edge of my comfort zone (and maybe even... step on the line??? possibly.. step... OUT? of it???! even??) and even though I saw January come and go without much of my plans really working, I'm still daring, still trying, still figuring out what works for me and how I can trick myself into making things happen because I have the worst attention span.

I feel like I have short term memory a lot. It's hard to see my whole life in one picture in my brain, it's always in bits and pieces and I lose touch of what I need to accomplish a lot because of this. 

It seems that the more plans i have in place, the less I get done! Perhaps I can use the fact that we have a dying dog and a sick dog as an excuse, but I spend far too much time playing Neko Atsume and watching YouTube to even buy that.

No, there is no excuse. The explanation though? I had a fuzzy brain for days and have sort of settled into the type of lifestyle that it causes. I can't latch on (focus my attention) to creative activities, except when it's in an erratic and impulsive way instead of an organized scheduled one.

So, things I can't do at the moment:

1. edit things
2. focus on tedious attention-requiring tasks (but some of them that can fall into this category can help if i do them impusively! see below)
3. write in a calculated manner
4. mentally connect ideas from different days into working tasks without INTENSE EFFORT
5. in the same manner, coming back to a task that takes time again and again with breaks in between is really hard ~ once i do something else, i am repelled by coming back to what i need to finish.
6. COME BACK TO MY PLANS AND DO THEM?!

But! things I #1 can do / #2 am doing / #3 should do more of:

1. deep cleaning, any cleaning, organizing, chores (they clear my head and help me get back to doing meaningful things)
2. impulsive writing (what i'm doing right now!)
3. imaginative activities, in short!! bursts!!! (also what i'm trying right now)
4. physical tasks (if i am caffeinated enough and have an electric fan facing me to cool me off cos it feels like i'm a hamster and am constantly shaking slightly and creating heat and have sweaty pits)
5. impulsively singing and turning my life into a musical because it releases tension i get from trying to focus (only counts as a #1&2 this is useless and annoying but i'm turning into Linda Belcher AAALRRIIIIIGHT)
6. DEEP TALKS AND LIKE THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WANNA DO AND STUFF (also writing things in parentheses too much)

So since I have a video series lined up about PURGING MY THINGS anyway i might just shoot the timelapse parts where i show some of the action happening while I'm in this neurotic state. And then I'll do the rest when I'm back in fighting form. Also I'm going to keep "scribing" with my journal and planners to help ground me and remind me of things I need to do. Even though it takes so much effort to focus on that too!

Also yesterday I had a very fruitful date with my Frond Carmen in which we brainstormed about projects of a personal and collaborative and speculative nature. I'm excited about those, but I need to plot them properly in my planners! I HOPE I FIND THE FOCUS TO DO SO

So yeah. I'm just going to work with what I have right now, because it's the best thing to do given the circumstances. I can't keep waiting for the composed, coherent, functional me to surface before I make anything because it's starting to be clear that if I do that, I won't be showing the whole picture. And the point of all this documenting and reflecting that I'm doing with my blogging and vlogging projects is to be honest with myself, and to whoever tunes in, so that I can paint an honest picture of struggles that people like me face everyday, and how I make things work, when I do. I don't want to give people who might need whatever help or insight i can offer the impression that anything is effortless, or a straight line going up, when you climb uphill these things.

And because there's a severe lack of visuals in this here blog post let me impulsively reward you with a taste of my very raw Photoshopping skills. With a takoyaki border. It's what we ate while discussing things yesterday. Hahaha.

 God it was so good.

When Love Comes First

When love comes first,

"Don't leave without me" will be met with "Why would I?".

"Sorry I'm like this." would be answered with "No need to apologise, I understand it must be hard."

You wouldn't have to ask to be considered in their life decisions, you just automatically are.

You wouldn't feel dry and used, and every bit of love you give is replaced by love from them.

You wouldn't need to choose between being perfect or being left alone. They stay by your side, fights, warts, and all.

There are people out there who put love first. These people exist, and in more numbers than you think is possible right now, when you have given yourself so freely to people who just take your love for granted.

These are people who grew up in love, who had doting parents listen to every word when they were just learning to speak, jumbling their words and finding it hard to explain anything. They were taught to give, to understand, to not compare and compute the value of people. They were brought up without judgement by the adults they trusted with their innocence and vulnerabilities.

To these people, reciprocity of love is natural. They will care for you back if you show them love and attention. At the very least, they will not feel entitled to taking it all from you when they cannot give it back. And when they can, they give it a hundred percent.

And for people like us who feel yearning for this kind of love, who feel like we can love so much more than we have been given a chance to, to love better than we could imagine right now due to sheer lack of examples... we only need to stop settling for less. We need to learn to love ourselves so much that being treated less than with love, kindness, and tenderness will not look like a normal tolerated thing, but something that we simply cannot stand for and will have to move on from. We need to make the act of letting love come first the most natural thing there is, until it's the default of our world.

This was where I was five years ago, realising I was Beardy's girlfriend over Facebook haha, and funnily enough it was also where we were last night with friends! :p

Five years ago today, on the 22nd of December in 2010, Beardy and I made our relationship "official" between ourselves, after about 1 & 3/4 months of talking and sharing our lives online. I didn't know how transformative this relationship was going to be in my life. At the time it just felt very natural to call it a relationship because we felt naturally connected and committed to seeing the thing we had between us grow. Beforehand, I've had bad experiences of caring for people too much, who didn't really care about me the same way. I really had a warped perception of relationships and was going about things the wrong way until I lucked out and met him. We started out as just friends, until realising we were what the other was looking for, even if we didn't know it at first. I used to think he was an exception in the way he handles love but I sincerely hope and believe that there are many people out there who love like we do, and it's just not a thing that people are used to looking for (even me!).  I hope that the people I care for, at the very least, find a love that really works for them and fulfills them and lifts them up, and is plainly and simply reciprocal without needing mental justifications. I believe that whoever can love fully, deserves to be given that love back, and relationships like that can really emanate a love of love not only between the two people, but all around them, too. I'd like to live in a world with a lot of that!

Five Friday Favorites

Here are some recently acquired/crafted/appreciated things that puts a smile to my face / have been making my life better. For good vibes, cos it's Friday!

Pretty Journals

I've been on the lookout for a journal for a while now and I recently found this really cute one; a simple watercolor woosh-y washy design with purple detail. I know I wanted it to be in the purple/blue color scheme to be calming because I intended to write on it before bed. Of course, I just write on it whenever in reality :D The floral one is a notebook where Beardy and I just write letters to each other. It's meant to evoke the feelings from when receiving letters from each other was the only way we could communicate. I don't know, it's kinda romantic. :)

Tin Lid Magnet Mount

I really felt bad when I didn't have a use for these lids. There are four tins and I used just one lid and stacked the other three under so these were left without a purpose! Until I got the idea to stick them onto this blank space on my wall because I was desperate for a way to use some cute magnets I got. And now the blank space is used! I like sticking stuff on it like paintings and stuff :)

Water Heater

This plug-and-heat thingy is a lifesaver. We've been having water pressure problems, and water doesn't eat in our room when there's not enough pressure. And if you know Beardy well you'd know that he can't bathe if the water isn't hot. This heats water SUPER FAST. It's so awesome! Just plug and drop it!

My Most Favorite Owl Mug

I have two of these but this one keeps the contents cool faaaar longer than the other one. I think it's that thick double wall. We have been looking for a twin so that we can both have one to keep water in the room, but we haven't found one that's as cute at this one :)

 WiFi Extender!!

Okay, this has been here for a while. We get bad WiFi reception from the router downstairs so Emmy had the brilliant idea to get an extender! Now I can use the internet anywhere in my room! You don't understand! I used to have to stay near the door to use the internet or just keep lugging my laptop up and down the stairs to get stable internet everyday. This just makes life so much better.

Taking time to appreciate the small things has really made me happier overall. Try it! Just focus on the little things that make life better, stare at pretty things more, and don't be ashamed that they are little things. If they make you happy, then that makes them great!

What Love Could Feel Like

Guess what! Beardy and I are celebrating our Fifth Year Anniversary today!!! Yes, five whole years of being in each other's lives. It's a little crazy to think about! To celebrate, we filmed a vlog together doing The Boyfriend/Relationship Tag:

And on my own, I want to share some insights that I've gathered and observed to be things that need the most sharing from people who have experienced a nurturing, stable kind of love to people who are looking, or have been perhaps going after the kind of love that isn't really what they want in the end. In things that are common among us humans, we need to have a better line of communication in order to guide each other. That's what I think.

And love is a pretty common goal in people's lives. Humans are vastly preoccupied with romantic love. Not everyone, of course - but a lot of us are. We can philosophize about why this is so, but for most of us it's a very real, very deep-seated need, and done the right way, it can do a lot of good to a person. But it's as if we are used to being preoccupied with only the stage where it is sought, and when we have it, we are preoccupied with fixing it because a lot of the love we find is broken. I observe this a lot in the way that we often speak about love. How it feels. How it hurts. It's lead me to think that maybe we are made to have the wrong expectations about what it is, what it should be. I feel like maybe in a large extent, we are being made to look for the wrong kind of feeling in our search for love. I sure had the wrong expectations before befriending Beardy. I was looking for, and kept crashing head-on towards an idea of it that was simply unsustainable. Luckily, even without realising it at the time, starting a friendship with Beardy five years ago today eventually led me away from a long, painful path towards a really nice easy-going one so that I could, you know... Start worrying about other things. Life is about so much more than finding a partner after all.

Like being able to act like dumdums together once you've found each other.

Love shouldn't feel like competing to be the best one around in order to deserve being loved. It should feel secure, like the decision has been done. You should treat each other in a way that makes you feel confident and secure in your relationship. It shouldn't feel like a constant competition, like you always have something to prove. You should be able to show your whole self, not just the best parts. To be accepted for the good and bad, and to accept your partner wholly as well.

Love shouldn't be something we brace ourselves for, and reserve our strength for, but rather, something that gives us strength, and is a safe place to rest in in times where we are weak. Love should give us strength, not take it away from us. Yes, sometimes challenges may come that will need us to be strong, but it shouldn't come from the way we treat each other. I've observed that some people in relationships tend to fight and bicker a lot - about things big or small, and I think this causes a lot of lovers to have their guards up when they are around each other. I think it should feel like you are coming from the same place from every time you wind down, and face the same direction out to the world, together. The space you create should feel safe and nurturing, not like a battlefield.

Love shouldn't feel like the goal, the happy ending. It should feel like a beginning. It should improve your life in many ways, and not be the end goal. It should be a source of your energy, and the light to your way for the rest of your life.

Inside Out and how Empathy lets Joy "Grow Up" (and its parallelisms with Hector and the Search for Happiness)

*slight spoiler warning*

Inside Out reminds me of Hector and the Search for Happiness.

In this film, Simon Pegg's character Hector starts out pretty unhappy even though he is quite well off. He feels very meh about his very comfortable, "tidy" life. He is a psychiatrist and he listens to his clients' stories with emotional detachment. He tries to find meaning in his life and goes traveling, being the privileged individual who can afford it that he is.

I highly recommend this film for good vibes, by the way.

There is a moment in this film that keeps coming back to Hector, when he finds himself under Tibetan prayer flags, and he hears a voice saying that it takes all of the different colors. It takes all colors.

In Inside Out, this concept is illustrated through the five emotions in Riley's head. At first, it seems as though Joy is the only positive, functional emotion. I'll try not to spoil Hector, but at the end of both movies, the lesson is clear: processing, or working with the other seemingly negative emotions is the way to sustain Joy's functionality. We should not suppress "negative" things, but deal with them and let them allow us to empathise with each other, so that happiness can have meaning. 

As children, for us who are privileged enough in terms of where we live, our world is kept small and simple. At this stage, it is easy and natural for Joy to be the only emotion we come across often. But as we grow up, our world becomes bigger. We are made to deal with a lot of uncomfortable changes in our own lives, and we see the state of the rest of humanity. We also hopefully start to understand other people better, and we are pressured more to take other peoples' feelings into account. A lot of people cannot choose to live without these negative feelings as a result of their life's circumstances, or mental/psychological capabilities, or the experiences they've had.

Even though Inside Out and Hector demonstrate the same concept in very different life stages, both stories put Joy in charge, and allow her to work with the others. Joy is in charge, because it motivates us to keep going on so that we can make things better.

 Both stories attempt to teach the lesson that a meaningful life, one we can be happy to look back on, requires us to be open to all emotions and not suppress pain and discomfort when they come. Processing and going through all of them together, "all the colors", and not clinging too much to joy and comfort so much that it loses all meaning. 

Joy in itself is a dead end, if we don't put it in context with the other emotions. We need to use joy to propel us to ease each others' pain, and our own.. But only after we open our eyes and hearts to find out where that pain is.

Movie Rating: 4 STARS. Really cool, but makes me really want a sequel to feel like it's enough.