Conscious Consuming of Creation

"Do or do not. There is no try."

All my life I imagined myself to be "a Creator".

I'd create crafts, songs, and stories. Whatever can be made by a human, I wanted to figure out how to make myself. I'd tinker with things, watch "How it's made" videos. I always wished that I could grow up to be a person that made things. I didn't have a clear idea about what specific thing, though. I sort of imagined I'd do many different things at once.

Now that I'm an adult (I'm 29 today!) I've let that slide willingly towards the sidelines. Graciously and consciously. In fact, it was just a few days ago when I actually decided. For too long now, it felt like the universe was pulling an unwilling me towards that decision, but a couple days ago, I sat down on the bed, demanded Beardy's attention, and declared it: "I'm going to start and chill about pressuring myself so much to do something on the side!"

 Since I started teaching, I feel myself pulled towards too many directions, wanting teaching to be the steady thing that will allow me to do "what I'm really about" (whatever that was!) during my free time. Well, that turned out to not be very easy when you're an amateur at the "steady thing". This "steady thing" now needs to be my focus, so that it would actually be steady, as I found that it's the one that gives me a feeling of purpose, and it does give me the opportunity to be very creative. I want to be good at this.

Like any naive young creative person, I suppose, (I hope! but really I was a lot more stubborn than my peers) I started out quite frenetic, unstructured, angsty, and untethered in my creative life. There was just too much to fix within myself. It had often felt like my life as an artist was the human equivalent of a plastic bag that had holes on it, filled with different colors of paint, and the color just had to burst out of it towards any direction. I had a lot inside, and sometimes the outcome was beautiful, but I was not in control.

Now I am deciding that as I try to be better as a teacher, I will sit down and enjoy Creation. Meaning, I want to sit down and consume what other Creators have made! When I was in college, my angsty nature somehow made it hard for me to open up and be vulnerable to other people's works. There will be times where a piece (art, music, a film, a building) would touch me, but now that I know myself better, I can read my past self actually building up a wall as soon at that happens. I felt too much like I had something to prove, when all I had to do was to sit down and be real. I couldn't be real. There was just too much to take, and not enough of me to take it.

Now I feel more whole as a person, I'm able to truly relax and be vulnerable in the presence of art. I am able to truly lose myself, let go of my ego, and just witness things, and I think that's important. I was wrong when I was young to think that you are either a creator or an audience. Oftentimes, it's being a good audience member that allows creators to create well. Consuming creation is the way to connect to humanity itself, to get truly inspired, and when needed, to create something that there is a void of. You cannot fill the gaps when you don't stare at the wall with the cracks.

So with this newfound mission, to be more human, by witnessing humanity's creation, I am going to start a series called.... *drumroll* WTF! What The Fuss.

I am going to review shows, books, movies, any sort of media, business, building, concept, any Creation that has captured people's fancy, and my awareness as an effect, to see What The Fuss is all about. I am not going to pretend to be a professional critic or anything, this is really just me writing about my experience of things, so I can literally review anything, for the sake of being more mindful of my experience of Life.

I am a human Being, I think this is what that is about. More than just creating, witnessing. Taking it all in. Living. In a state of peace, and no longer in the state of feverish longing. I will either do things, or not do things, and follow Yoda's advice. I want to worry less about what I am not doing, and just do it, or forget about it, until it is time to do it. We spend so much time worrying about doing. What about just being? :) Feeling! Sensing! Eating! Sleeping! I'm getting sidetracked again by my very humanly urges! Help me! aaaaaaaaa

Ok. I'm still here. So that's it for me for now. What's weird is that now that I've chilled about creating, I've been feeling more creative than usual! Proving the previous point I made. Ah well. Let's just see how it goes. Going with the flow now. And right now the flow tells me: "Time to end this post, Bea."

I'll see you next time! On the first WTF post! Soon, friends!