The passage of time. Or maybe more like your passage within it.
Time flies, they say, when you're having fun. And time supposedly goes faster for you as you get older. As you notice and remember patterns from every day life, repeat sensations will start to feel like your brain just skimming a page, never letting your consciousness settle or find a home within the moments. And in the end, you look back, and much of it would feel like you just floated by, with your senses numbed. Tewwifying!
A couple nights ago, I walked home on my usual route, and a thought made me freeze: This street I'm walking on feels suspiciously shorter. Am I letting "the Now" slip by too fast? Am I skimming this page of my life?
When things like that happen, I like to recall what it was like to be a child, to have every sight, scent, and sound assault me. So vivid, my days felt like dreams within dreams, and every sunset would feel like saying goodbye to a good friend. I try to conjure that up in me, with varying results.
These days, they feel more and more like missed chances with encounters of smiling strangers. We could have been friends, but I didn't quite get to know who you were, Day, or what we could have been. So bye I guess.
This pattern recognition thing, although I'm sure it helps us function easier from day to day, sometimes feels like a bubble suit acting like a barrier between me and the world. As more patterns form, it's as if the bubble crystallizes, letting me feel less and less, separating me from the world.
Except when I'm scared shitless.
I realized, while walking that night, that it wasn't that I was savoring my walks more in the past. It was more because I always felt like something was going to hurt or kill me, and I've grown out of that somewhat.
Now that I have less travel anxiety, I could function like most folks during transit or on foot. I'll sort of just go my way automatically and think about something far far away in my head, and that probably makes things feel shorter.
I feel more safe now, and that's a good thing.
But for other things in life, too much safety, too much of the same, not taking risks... It can make time feel so short.
Are we always going to go through hardships that feel drawn on, only to find that once we've reached the resolution of our challenges, time will slip by beyond the finish line?
I'm still holding on to a hope that I can keep things fresh without having to resort to risky behavior.
But a comforting thought that I get from all of this is that: Right now, I'm in the thick of figuring things out. And it will feel slow, and at times, it will feel like things aren't changing and can never be the way I hope them to be. But even though I'm challenged and I find myself anxious and fearful a lot of the time, I'm at least in a safe place where I can grow, I am cared for, and I have people to talk to. That's far better than where I used to be, and I have hope that my challenges will evolve and change, but I will always be able to step back once in a while to see, smell, feel all of it in all its glory.
I will always remember in gratitude the things I used to be unable to filter out, and in the future, when I'm over my current ones, the things I still can't filter out to this day: all my over-analyzed interactions, my illogical fears, all the times I think I come off too strange...
Someday that might change, but I won't forget that it did. And so time will slow down in reverence, and I will be able to stop and stare in wonder at all the beautiful ways that a person can evolve within a lifetime.
Except when I'm scared shitless.
I realized, while walking that night, that it wasn't that I was savoring my walks more in the past. It was more because I always felt like something was going to hurt or kill me, and I've grown out of that somewhat.
Now that I have less travel anxiety, I could function like most folks during transit or on foot. I'll sort of just go my way automatically and think about something far far away in my head, and that probably makes things feel shorter.
I feel more safe now, and that's a good thing.
But for other things in life, too much safety, too much of the same, not taking risks... It can make time feel so short.
Are we always going to go through hardships that feel drawn on, only to find that once we've reached the resolution of our challenges, time will slip by beyond the finish line?
I'm still holding on to a hope that I can keep things fresh without having to resort to risky behavior.
But a comforting thought that I get from all of this is that: Right now, I'm in the thick of figuring things out. And it will feel slow, and at times, it will feel like things aren't changing and can never be the way I hope them to be. But even though I'm challenged and I find myself anxious and fearful a lot of the time, I'm at least in a safe place where I can grow, I am cared for, and I have people to talk to. That's far better than where I used to be, and I have hope that my challenges will evolve and change, but I will always be able to step back once in a while to see, smell, feel all of it in all its glory.
I will always remember in gratitude the things I used to be unable to filter out, and in the future, when I'm over my current ones, the things I still can't filter out to this day: all my over-analyzed interactions, my illogical fears, all the times I think I come off too strange...
Someday that might change, but I won't forget that it did. And so time will slow down in reverence, and I will be able to stop and stare in wonder at all the beautiful ways that a person can evolve within a lifetime.
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