Tuesday, November 20, 2012

reviving gratitude for today

     The sad part of being constantly free is the tendency to forget how lucky one is to be this way. I tend to forget, not just how lucky I am, but how many things I am free to do exactly. I neglect the possibilities that are open to me. I somehow don't see them anymore.

    When I didn't have my own laptop, I would fantasize about downloading all of the films, music, and series I could. I reached that point when my mom replaced her laptop and passed it on to me, and although I did get to build an archive of media, my attitude towards movies had changed after a few years, especially after being "a film major". Now it's as if watching a movie is a thing to be ticked off of my to-do list. I somehow hesitate to start when it's a movie I feel I "need" to see. I'm more inclined to watch senseless things randomly, like last night when someone gave me a movie title, not even something critically acclaimed, but I impulsively downloaded it and watched it, no problem.

     Is this my tendency to avoid things that I think are good for me? I think so. But to this point I don't know what causes this.

Maybe I want to save the best things for when I'm a better person? What does that tell me? I guess I'm not treating myself the way I should. I don't give myself the best I can. I know what's good for me, but I somehow avoid em. What's that all about? Do I think I'm not worthy at this point for better things because I'm not better? But see, I know that letting myself experience the better things will make ME better.

Today I wished for time for my future self. I wished that my future self would have enough time, even as she works, and travels maybe 6 hours every day, to read, to paint, to learn things, and to broaden herself. Then I realize, what am I doing? I have time now. What am I doing with that?

     I keep projecting things unto the future. I'm 22 and still disconnected to my projections as a 17 year old. Soon I'll be 27 thinking about what the hell I've done with those five years after I've thought about these things I want to do. I don't need to be clairvoyant to see this. I merely need to keep up this attitude.

No longer. All I will ever have is today.

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