Ligaments

Past looking outside, telling yourself their lives look better when you're looking in from windows they created, remembering when you had something like they had and were unhappy, because it wasn't your life you were living, and if you had what they had, you won't be happy as they are, because happiness can only be found when you live a life you wanted to create.

Past looking inside, cradling your wounds, so that rather than healing, they stay healthy and fresh and bleed, and past learning that wounds heal better when you run against the wind, and that scabs go away eventually.

You're in the middle of inside and outside, the rubbery fiber holding together muscle and bone, allowing movement and creating purpose. You're about to create a life you can be happy to live. You're creating yourself, as who you will become to the world and to memory, you're molding something that is real, and tangible in nature, something that creates mountains and not something that just fills up empty holes in the plain of your life. Something that creates texture in your world, so that when you touch the globes made in your life's image, you feel under your fingers, a terrain that's unique, and although the bumps are sometimes created by the wounds turning into scars themselves, something yours.

Past thinking, past contemplating. Past hesitating and comparing.

Now, where to start?

Please mean something.

I'm doing a lot of planning.

Typical, but this is my actual occupation right now. I don't have to be doing anything else. I'm not in school and I quit my job. This is all I'm doing and I hope it will mean something when 2015 rolls in. I'm taking it slow at this stage, but I know that if I really decide to pursue this path, being an entrepreneur, the tides will be rougher. But I'm hoping I'd have built a lot of muscle by that time to hold on to the raft (...or the yacht, really. If I'm going to be totally ambitious.. amiriiiiiiigh).

I'm thinking not only about possible ventures but about optimizing my daily life. I'm aiming at geting focus, strength and motivation by controlling daily activities like sleep, eating, and physical activity (and yoga- which is a physical activity but also a little bit more than that). Much as I feel bad because I'm totally starting at 0 and there's no telling if I'll even get anywhere with this, (huge chance I'll fail and will still be at zero after a few months) I feel grateful that I have time to think things through.

There are gaps between constant moments of feeling inadequate and sorry for myself where I still see the light and I get to smooth my own ruffled feathers, remembering that there's still hope if I look hard enough, and the fact that if now is all that really exists, life is pretty awesome. It's hard, but I'm getting over my sadness. I'm getting over my fears. I'm getting over self-sabotage.

Plus I gained weight and it doesn't bother me at all. I think that's pretty remarkable.

ur a weaner i'm a weaner

the special re-appearance of breakfast tea has graced us this morning

I'm weaning myself off of coffee for a couple of days.

it just seems like it's not really working anymore, i think my threshold makes it so that a cup just helps me get by instead of making my more energetic. so i want to make my threshold lower by drinking tea for now.

I'm also weaning off of filling my stomach so much that my food disappears before i can even taste it and i'm left TOO FULL after every meal. i'm pretty sure it's not good for me. and i don't even enjoy it.

i just want to feel more energetic and light and balanced and in control and aware of my body. i mean right now i feel heavy and like jello because of yoga moosle pain but in the long term. yoga will make me feel lighter. baby steps.

stars spiders salads

last night i was lying down on our living room floor bonding with sansa. at one point i was completely still, seized by the sight of the starry cloudless sky. i stared and stared, and noticed that what?? Are the stars moving?? I was convinced it was an illusion because as much as I know stars move in the sky throughout the night:

Wojciech Toman

...I didn't think it was observable through naked eyes! But apparently if you're still enough, it is. I made sure I wasn't just imagining it by using one corner of the window as sort of a finish line for one of the stars that was already near it anyway. It took a long time (I was getting so restless, even the slightest movement of my head would have ruined the experiment!), but the little guy made it, closing off the last millimeter and disappearing behind the railing.

In other news, I found a web so tiny and delicate in our living room and decided to remove it so the spider will be encouraged to make one somewhere else that is not in plain sight and dangerous when it comes back.. I checked to see if it hasn't already caught food and didn't see any so I thought it wasn't impolite.

But then when I had carefully done it the spot (that you can see in the photo below) started moving. I thought it was just dust or something. but it was the actual spider! I spooked the poor thing..

Oops.

But that is SUPER TINY I had no idea it was a spider! I thought maybe that's just what webs look like :( Poor guy. That must've been his first web or something! No wonder they've stopped eating mosquitoes, leaving them alive and free to suck on our blood.

Lastly, I've been enjoying having honey at home because HONEY MUSTARD DRESSING!!!

my huge sweet lunch salad. that thing is huge.

I don't regret forgetting I know how to make it sometimes because whenever I remember that I do, the joy I feel is indescribable.

But where are my potatoes???

Middle-Firsthalf-Life crisis

It's weird to realise that what's stopping me from doing things I want to do is not caring enough. Not feeling enough. Not being restless, antsy, emotional about it enough. In one word, not being driven enough.

Maybe this self-loathing I feel right now will someday drive me. I'm hoping not. I want to be driven by love, wonder, excitement. But it's either it's not working right now, or I don't actually have enough of it.

I guess I just have to keep squeezing for now. Maybe something will click as I force things, and be better at working hard, maybe even enjoy it, and then it won't be so scary anymore.

I wish there was a textbook for this kind of thing. I know the point is that I have to write it, but right now I don't know where to start. I hope that sooner or later this period will feel distant and silly to me. I don't want to assume wrongly but I feel like I'm on my way there.

Here's to a year of results, trying harder, and being both kinder and more stern with myself. Sometimes you can't have the first without the second.

Playing with myself

No, shh. I heard what I said. Don't even.

I just played a game of chess with myself.

On the palm of my hand. No seriously, this chess set is so adorable and tiny, I can play the game against myself on my hand. Here's another photo with an AA battery for size comparison:

While Beardy was here I really looked around for a tiny magnetic chess set and was so happy when we found one, only to realise nobody's going to play with me when he left.

I thought about doing this before, but I just thought it was impossible to play with myself. Until I tried it. And you know what? I enjoyed it! And I finished my first game!

The down side is that it's hard to make long-term schemes. Cos I have to sort of clear my head everytime I switch sides. Oh well. Better than just staring at the thing all sad cos it's so cute but I can't use it.

In case you were wondering who won, I did. Yay! (I wasn't kidding when I said I'd find any excuse to feel good about myself)

Me: Black won!

Him: Haha, congrats.

Him: And sorry for your defeat.

He gets it.

update

Hi there! I updated my sidebar and changed my url. My sidebar still thinks I'm 22 and I'm almost 24, so. As for the URL, the old one was really just something random I thought of and I felt like i needed something more personal and cohesive with my other platforms. so dar yu go.

I feel like time has stopped for me since 2009. Things just haven't been changing much. Or maybe that has something to do with how the social networking platforms I've been using since then haven't changed like they kept changin in years before that. Maybe in my head there's a pre-facebook and post-facebook partition that works as a yardstick for how fast time has been passing. 

Or maybe that's really just how real life is like after school.

Today I ate french toast and shared it with Sansa before giving her a bath. She likes her water warm and she has started to be more accustomed to the hair dryer. Dare I say she might actually even like it. I understand though because it keeps her warm. She does hide her face away from it though, which I think is cute.

I'm starting to draw again, but mostly I've been doing a lot of reflecting about my life.. and playing Big Farm.

random diary entry

My friend Mr.Danger

Yeah I somehow only like drawing faces of real people now. Might be a phase, or a start of something that's going to be my "thing", in any case, I need a LOT of practice. I actually think I'm getting worse haha. BUT I'm getting quicker. I think. I don't really measure, I just like feeling good about myself.

That's it for now, just trying to sort my life out. I wonder what's next for me.